1
00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:05,595
Some side effects include headaches,
blurred vision, and high blood pressure.
2
00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:08,149
Ask your doctor if it's right for you.
3
00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:10,038
- Dad?
- Yeah?
4
00:00:10,200 --> 00:00:13,317
Do you suffer
from erectile dysfunction?
5
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:17,711
Well, Alan? Do you?
6
00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:23,951
Jake, wh... What do you know
about erectile dysfunction?
7
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,310
It's something to do
with your penis, right?
8
00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:28,795
- Right.
- And they say one out of three guys...
9
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:32,396
...gets it, and mine's fine,
so it's gotta be one of you.
10
00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:37,035
- I'm fine.
- Not me, l...
11
00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:39,471
So, what are the pills for?
12
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:43,315
Well, what they do, Jake, is that
they... They dilate the blood vessels...
13
00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:47,155
...which allows more blood
to easily flow to certain...
14
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:49,032
They're boner pills, Jake.
15
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,670
To get them,
or to make them go away?
16
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:55,478
To get them. Go get ready for bed.
17
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:58,353
What's the point?
They're not good for anything.
18
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:02,998
You ever try any of those drugs?
19
00:01:03,200 --> 00:01:06,112
Once or twice.
Out of curiosity, not necessity.
20
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,956
- What did you think?
- Not my thing.
21
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:13,193
It's like corking the bat.
You?
22
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:17,956
Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted.
More sex with me that lasted longer.
23
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:26,190
Hello. Oh, hey, Eric. Hiya.
What's happening, boyfriend?
24
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,790
Oh, you're terrible. Do you kiss
your mother with that mouth?
25
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:33,839
So, what's up? Saturday?
Let me check my book.
26
00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:39,078
Saturday is marvelous.
27
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:44,076
How dressy? Eveningwear,
or California casual?
28
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:47,750
Oh, goody. An excuse to shop.
Like I need one.
29
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,992
Okey-dokey, artichokey. Ciao for now.
30
00:01:55,800 --> 00:01:57,791
- What?
- Something you wanna tell me?
31
00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:01,311
That? Oh, that's Eric.
He's the head of a big ad agency.
32
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,597
- Throws a lot of jingle work my way.
- He wouldn't be gay, would he?
33
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,360
What difference does it make?
A person's sexuality...
34
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,717
...is a personal thing. It has no
relevance in the business world.
35
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,758
- But he is gay.
- Oh, yeah.
36
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:17,158
You know, it's okay
to call them queer again.
37
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,791
Good to know. Good to know.
38
00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:23,919
Would it fair to assume that
you've led him to believe that...
39
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,036
...you are of a similar persuasion?
40
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:30,518
Not deliberately.
I kind of sort of backed into it.
41
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:34,235
- Excuse me?
- Okay. Poor choice of words.
42
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:39,472
When we first met, I found myself falling
into his... What do you call it?
43
00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:40,999
Futon?
44
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:43,674
No, no, his manner
of expressing himself.
45
00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:46,115
Tone, gestures.
Like talking to a Southerner...
46
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:50,478
...you start saying "y'all" and
"grits" and "tobaccy."
47
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:52,437
- Oh, Charlie.
- It's harmless.
48
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:55,319
He throws me work. I want
him to feel comfortable with me.
49
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,996
And how far do you go to
make him feel comfortable?
50
00:02:59,200 --> 00:03:02,988
Don't worry. I just sparkle a little bit.
I don't burst into flames.
51
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:08,951
- I don't know how you live with yourself.
- Actually, I don't live with myself.
52
00:03:09,160 --> 00:03:11,196
I have a significant other.
53
00:03:12,280 --> 00:03:13,554
- What?
- We're both invited...
54
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:15,631
...to a cocktail party Saturday night.
55
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,399
What?
56
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,996
- No. Absolutely not.
- Oh, come on.
57
00:03:28,160 --> 00:03:30,071
You always complain
we don't hang out.
58
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:33,158
I didn't mean I wanted to date you.
59
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,511
You don't think I'm gonna go to a gay
cocktail party stag, do you?
60
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:38,033
The way I sparkle?
61
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,198
I'm not going to be your gay lover
so you can make a few bucks.
62
00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:44,710
Okay, first of all, it's considerably
more than a few bucks.
63
00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,957
This man was responsible for almost
half my income last year.
64
00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:50,998
And that's the half
I didn't gamble away.
65
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:53,230
And second of all,
you're not just my lover...
66
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:56,073
...you're my life partner.
That makes you special.
67
00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:59,556
Forget it. It's immoral and deceitful,
and I don't want any part of it.
68
00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:02,314
What's the big deal?
Gay people pretend to be straight.
69
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,158
They don't wanna be discriminated.
70
00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:08,319
And neither do I. The minute this guy
finds out I'm a breeder, I'm history.
71
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,236
I don't care. If you wanna engage
in a fraudulent escapade...
72
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:15,034
...have one of your oafish poker
buddies be your partner.
73
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,596
You see? You see? Right there.
Escapade. Oafish.
74
00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,513
What poker buddy
of mine talks like that?
75
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,672
But you, a couple of squirts of
Paco Rabanne, you're good to go.
76
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:27,436
Having a reasonable
command of English...
77
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,909
...isn't the exclusive domain
of the gay community.
78
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,913
Listen to you.
You're just making my point.
79
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,469
Forget it. You're asking too much.
80
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:37,710
Oh, really?
81
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:42,317
Was it too much when you showed
up on my doorstep, looking for a place?
82
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:44,198
- Charlie.
- Too much when I took in...
83
00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,113
...your son on weekends and holidays?
- This isn't fair.
84
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:49,629
Too much when
I set up a college fund for Jake?
85
00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:52,673
- You set up a college fund for Jake?
- You bet I will.
86
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,472
Unless, of course, my income
were to suddenly decline.
87
00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,830
I can't believe you would sink so low.
88
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,434
To actually use emotional
and financial blackmail...
89
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:02,993
- You're both in my will.
- Really?
90
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:04,599
First thing Monday.
91
00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,951
All right. But I want it on the record...
92
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,111
...I'm doing this under protest.
- Noted.
93
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,430
If we're gonna be a couple,
I'm the husband.
94
00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,196
Well, who's gonna believe
you're the husband?
95
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,960
Of the two of us, I'm the
only one who's been a husband.
96
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,993
You really thought you were
the husband in your marriage?
97
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:29,278
Nevertheless, I'm going to be
the husband in this one.
98
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:34,271
Well, la-di-da.
99
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:39,356
- Thanks for babysitting, Rose.
- My pleasure.
100
00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,158
Where are you guys going?
101
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:42,878
To a little party.
102
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:45,794
And you're taking Alan
instead of a date?
103
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,474
Yeah, well, funny story about that.
104
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,234
Okay, let's get this over with.
105
00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,712
You're wearing that?
106
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:57,075
What's wrong with it?
You liked it in the store.
107
00:05:57,280 --> 00:05:58,872
It looked different in the store.
108
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,668
Well, it was on sale. I can't return it.
109
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:06,358
- Dad, can we order pizza for dinner?
- No. Eat something healthy.
110
00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,158
You want me to change, just tell me.
111
00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:09,918
- Don't change.
- You don't like it.
112
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,156
I didn't say that.
113
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:13,952
I think you look very nice, Alan.
114
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,958
Thank you. See?
That's all I needed to hear.
115
00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:20,550
- Well, you heard it. Now, come on.
- You know, I'm only doing this for you.
116
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,836
- I know.
- Could you show a little appreciation?
117
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,195
How about I show you a little
smack on the head?
118
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,193
That's your answer
for everything, isn't it?
119
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,354
What is that about?
120
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,956
I don't know, but one of them
suffers from erectile dysfunction.
121
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,870
Dad said we could order a pizza.
122
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:44,638
Would you please not walk so far in
front of me? I'm not your concubine.
123
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,074
I'm sorry.
124
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,271
What, are you ashamed of me?
125
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:50,554
A little bit.
126
00:06:57,240 --> 00:07:00,038
Oh, boy. Charlie, we need to talk.
127
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,595
For the last time, you look stunning.
128
00:07:02,800 --> 00:07:04,870
No, we... We need
to get our stories straight.
129
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,632
- What stories?
- We're a couple.
130
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,030
How long have we been together?
How did we meet?
131
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:12,550
Okay, fine. I met you in Thailand
and bought you from a guy.
132
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:16,790
I'm serious. If we're gonna pull this off,
we need to be convincing.
133
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,030
A favorite song?
Cute names for each other?
134
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,112
I mean, I don't even know if
we're dog people or cat people.
135
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:26,518
I forgot to tell you: The guy I bought you
from had your vocal chords removed.
136
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:31,511
- Charlie. I'm so glad you could make it.
- Oh, please. How could I not?
137
00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,109
And you must be Alan. Welcome.
138
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,191
I'm the husband.
139
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,513
No, he's not. Stop saying that.
140
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:43,070
Listen to you two ladies.
Come on. I'll get you a drink.
141
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:44,832
Appletinis.
142
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,951
So how did you lovebirds meet?
143
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,754
Funny you should ask.
We were at the Coffee Bean...
144
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:59,835
...you know, the one in Larchmont
Village, where the pastries are to die for.
145
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,276
Anyway, we both
ordered a soy latte...
146
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:09,151
...when the first one came up, we both
reached for it, and our hands touched.
147
00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,110
Oh, that is so romantic.
148
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,437
Yeah, it was one of those moments
that seems to go on forever.
149
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,113
Like this one.
150
00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:19,515
- Are you starting?
- No.
151
00:08:19,720 --> 00:08:22,951
Because I swear to God, I will walk
out that door and get in a cab.
152
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:27,632
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, what?
153
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,230
I'm sorry...
154
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,231
...pookie.
155
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,193
Finish your story, Alan.
156
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,956
Well, okay. So... So there we are...
157
00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:43,114
...our hands are touching, and we
look into each other's eyes...
158
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:46,716
...this one panics, spills coffee
over one of his hideous bowling shirts.
159
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:50,469
The only gay man in America
who dresses like Ralph Kramden.
160
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,111
To the moon, Alan.
161
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:57,990
Anyhoo, so I took him back to my
condo to "hand wash his shirt"...
162
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,310
...and, abracadabra,
hocus-pocus, here we are.
163
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:04,035
- That's a delicious story.
- Yeah, isn't it yummy?
164
00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:12,313
Yeah, it kills me every time.
165
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,320
There's someone you just
have to meet. Don't go away.
166
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:21,550
Okey-dokey, artichokey.
167
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,797
You've gotta pull back a little.
You're gonna set off the smoke alarm.
168
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,389
- What do you mean?
- I mean, if you flame any more...
169
00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:30,312
...you'll light the drapes on fire.
170
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,636
What about you?
"Okey-dokey, artichokey"?
171
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,234
What are you, the Jolly Gay Giant?
172
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:39,393
I want you both to meet someone
very special to me. Charlie, Alan...
173
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:42,711
...this is my very patient
and very forgiving ex-wife, Pamela.
174
00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:44,831
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
175
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,031
Hi. Wow, you were married?
176
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,435
It was before I'd gotten
a grip on my sexuality.
177
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,154
But not before you got
a grip on my cousin Walt.
178
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,910
Well, I can see why you
gave marriage a shot.
179
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,548
Pamela, you are a
breathtakingly beautiful woman.
180
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,432
Why, thank you, Charlie.
181
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,717
Why do all the cute ones
have to be married or gay?
182
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:07,156
Back off, sister. I caught this fish.
183
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:17,550
- Gonna tell me what's bothering you?
- Lf you don't know, no point discussing.
184
00:10:17,760 --> 00:10:19,239
Fine.
185
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,312
You ignored me the whole night.
186
00:10:24,080 --> 00:10:26,719
A party where I don't know anyone,
and you abandoned me.
187
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,388
Alan, listen closely.
188
00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:32,120
It wasn't a real date.
189
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,509
Not the point. I was stuck
playing truth or dare...
190
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,592
...with your friend Eric and nine
producers from Will & Grace...
191
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:41,672
...while you had a wonderful
time talking to his hot ex-wife.
192
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,871
- I was just being polite.
- Oh, please.
193
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:47,430
- I saw the way you were looking at her.
- What, I can't look?
194
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,835
Not when you're supposed
to be with me.
195
00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,031
How many appletinis
did you drink tonight?
196
00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:55,357
Never you mind about that.
So... So, what are you gonna do?
197
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,830
Out yourself as a straight man so you
can sleep with your little Pamela?
198
00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,237
No, no. That would mess
everything up with Eric.
199
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,155
Unless I convince him...
200
00:11:05,320 --> 00:11:08,312
...that she temporarily
flipped me back to the home team.
201
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:10,636
Oh, if you're gonna go, just go.
202
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,792
Alan, eat something.
Toast, a waffle. Anything absorbent.
203
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,877
Don't blame this on the liquor.
204
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,950
Okay, here's what I can do.
205
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,031
She and I are going
shopping tomorrow.
206
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,953
I'll tell her I'm bisexual,
and then make my move.
207
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:25,798
So you're gonna cheat on me?
208
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,433
No, that's not cheating.
209
00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:31,269
- How do you figure?
- Because we're not really gay.
210
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,593
Then how can you be bi?
211
00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:38,792
Shut up.
212
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,595
Okay, well, good night.
213
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:49,793
- Aren't you gonna ask?
- No. Jake told me.
214
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:56,836
Oh, this is a cute top.
215
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,912
I'm more a bottom man myself.
216
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:02,514
I'll bet you are.
217
00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,078
- Too slutty?
- Haven't you heard?
218
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,276
Slutty is the new black.
219
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:11,590
Oh, you.
220
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:17,075
Is there some special, young vagina
enthusiast you'll be taking that off for?
221
00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,078
I wish. Can you keep a little secret?
222
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,271
I'm keeping a big one right now.
223
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,948
I haven't been with a man
in almost a year.
224
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:27,754
Oh, no. Color me sympathetic.
225
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:31,032
I don't miss dating. That's lies and
pretense. I do miss the sex.
226
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:36,109
Really? Well, what, specifically,
do you miss? And tell me slowly.
227
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:40,879
The feel of a man's hot breath
on the back of my neck.
228
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:44,715
His rough hands pulling me
to him and just taking me.
229
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,235
Of course, I don't need to tell you.
230
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,959
No, but I'm so glad you did.
231
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:54,635
Isn't it funny that I can only be
this honest with a gay man?
232
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,677
Yeah, it's a riot.
233
00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,959
Straight men only want one thing, and
they'll tell any number of lies to get it.
234
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,993
- The dogs.
- Straight women are so competitive...
235
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,196
...they'll use anything
you say against you.
236
00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:08,277
The bitches.
237
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,756
Gay women only want one thing, and
they'll lie worse than straight men.
238
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,916
Strange, because
they've already got it.
239
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,634
Oh, you, come here.
240
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:21,271
Oh, that's the other thing about
gay men. You're so hilarious.
241
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,193
Yeah, we're like clowns
who smell nice.
242
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:28,271
You know, these are pretty.
243
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:35,109
It's pretty sheer. Eric hated it when he
could see my nipples. That a gay thing?
244
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:39,797
Well, I can't speak for the community,
but I myself am nutty for nipples.
245
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,592
Let's try it on.
246
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,273
Okey-dokey, artichokey.
247
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,911
All right. Hold this.
248
00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,752
Okay.
249
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,956
What do you think?
With or without the bra?
250
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,230
I don't know.
You're the one with nipple issues.
251
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,000
All right, then. Without.
252
00:13:57,440 --> 00:13:59,829
Yes. Definitely without.
253
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:01,793
Am I starting to sag?
254
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:05,430
What... I'm sorry,
were you talking to me?
255
00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:07,232
Am I hanging a bit low?
256
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:10,830
I don't know. Go like this:
257
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,352
- Now go like this:
- Stop it. Give me the blouse.
258
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:17,673
I am a woman, Charles.
259
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:19,796
- Wanna see my nipples?
- No.
260
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:21,752
Why not? You made me look at yours.
261
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:25,196
God, you are so frisky.
How does Alan ever put up with you?
262
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:27,550
How does his mother
put up with him?
263
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,193
Oh, boy.
264
00:14:29,400 --> 00:14:33,632
Charles, didn't I ask you to confine
your debauchery to outlet stores?
265
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:37,389
Pamela, this is my mother, Evelyn.
Mom, this is Pamela.
266
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:41,269
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. Your son is adorable.
267
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,273
That seems to be
the conventional wisdom.
268
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:48,035
I met him and his partner last night,
but we immediately hit it off.
269
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,953
- I'm sorry. His partner?
- Alan, his lover.
270
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:52,832
His lover?
271
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,351
God, I'm not outing you, am I?
272
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:59,479
Oh, no, no, no. Mom knows
all about me and Alan. Right, Mom?
273
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:04,991
Of course. Alan's almost
like a son to me.
274
00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:09,478
My ex's parents were not supportive
when he came out of the closet.
275
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,518
Oh, what a shame. What does he do?
276
00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:15,154
He's in advertising.
Charlie writes jingles for him.
277
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:20,195
Oh, I see. One hand
moisturizes the other.
278
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:25,552
No, the only time Charlie
was ever in the closet...
279
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,951
...was when he was a little boy
trying on my hats and underwear...
280
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:32,192
...belting out the entire score
of Hello, Dolly!
281
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,960
It was Mame, Mom.
282
00:15:35,160 --> 00:15:39,073
In fact, if anything, his lifestyle
has brought us even closer.
283
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:41,708
We cook together,
we shop together...
284
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,839
...we go to all kinds of parties
and charity events together.
285
00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:50,431
Come to think of it, I have entered us
in an Alzheimer's walkathon this Sunday.
286
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,113
Sunday isn't really good for me.
287
00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,918
But you will be there anyway...
288
00:15:54,080 --> 00:16:00,349
...because we support each other in all
our little causes, and you love me. Right?
289
00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,073
Right.
290
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,158
Say it.
291
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:10,112
I love you, Mom.
292
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:12,629
And I love you too.
293
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:14,392
Eight a.m. Sunday.
294
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:19,076
I'll buy us matching tracksuits.
It'll be cute.
295
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,239
- Lovely to meet you, Pamela.
- Bye.
296
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:27,519
If I didn't know you were gay, meeting
your mother would've convinced me.
297
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,638
Okay, that's it.
I can't do this anymore.
298
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:33,678
You can't stop shopping.
I've gotta find you something slutty.
299
00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,155
I've already got something
slutty in my pants.
300
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,555
- You're terrible.
- Pamela, listen to me.
301
00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:43,834
I'm not gay. I am completely,
100 percent, militantly heterosexual...
302
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:48,039
...and I find you incredibly attractive.
- Okay. I understand.
303
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:51,630
- You do?
- Of course. I went through this with Eric.
304
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,792
He wanted badly to be straight,
and he suffered so much before...
305
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,599
...he was able to finally accept
himself for who he is.
306
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:01,509
Oh, no. I accept myself for who
I am. I am a lying horndog.
307
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,513
- Charlie.
- Lf I were a straight man...
308
00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:07,240
...would you find me attractive?
- That's hypothetical.
309
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,789
Play along. Humor me.
If I were straight...
310
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,592
I'd do you in a heartbeat.
311
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,870
Oh, good. Come with me.
312
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:16,679
Charlie, don't do this.
You don't have to prove anything.
313
00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:18,791
Oh, but I do.
314
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,271
Now, come here.
315
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:25,909
You don't have to be
straight to be a good kisser.
316
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:29,277
I know, I know. Just wait.
317
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,357
Well...?
318
00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,751
Give me a minute. I'm under some
pressure here. I just saw my mother.
319
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,036
Would it help if you thought of Alan?
320
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,955
Oh, great. Why don't you just
roll up a newspaper and hit it?
321
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,997
Charlie, sweetheart, it's okay.
322
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:50,720
No, it's not. I am a straight man.
323
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:54,395
I've always been a straight man,
and I'll always be a straight man.
324
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:58,758
Well, you'll forgive me, darling,
but you seem to have a gay man's penis.
325
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,076
Come on, let's go look at shoes.
326
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:07,079
It's a straight man's penis.
It's just having a bad day.
327
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,070
- Hey.
- Oh, I thought you'd never come home.
328
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:13,832
- We have to talk.
- Not now.
329
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,956
I need to drink beer, scratch my ass...
330
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:19,032
...and watch a whole bunch
of girl-on-girl porn.
331
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:23,871
- Hello, Charlie.
- Eric. What are you doing here?
332
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:29,156
I came over to talk to you about a
new account, and you weren't here, so...
333
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:31,430
So he invited me to Big Sur
for the weekend.
334
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:34,599
It's not what it sounds like.
335
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:39,237
Yes, it is. He looked into my eyes,
told me I had a tight little breadbasket.
336
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:41,193
No.
337
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:44,989
Look, the other night at the party, there
was a lot of friction between you...
338
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,674
...and I'm really sorry.
339
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:51,555
Yeah, I'll bet you're really sorry.
340
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,036
How do you expect me
to keep working for you?
341
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,470
Gosh, I hope you will.
I'll make it up to you.
342
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:01,150
How? How could you possibly
make up for this incredible betrayal?
343
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:04,272
- I'll get you more money.
- Done. Get out.
344
00:19:05,080 --> 00:19:06,877
Bye, Alan.
345
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,399
Thanks for the sweater.
346
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:15,791
- He gave you a sweater?
- Cashmere. Very stylish. And thank you.
347
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:19,794
- For what? I didn't get you anything.
- You stood up for our relationship.
348
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:24,192
What relationship?
Alan, we're not gay.
349
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:28,156
No, but if we were, you wouldn't
let anybody steal me away.
350
00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,311
And I think that's sweet.
351
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:33,316
You need to stop this.
352
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:36,517
I was just trying to get more
money out of him, and that's all.
353
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:39,951
Whatever you say. Pookie.
354
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:44,436
Is the breadbasket
the front or the back?
355
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:48,639
- The back.
- Oh, good. It wasn't just a line.
356
00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:55,231
Pick it up, Charlie. We're lagging.
357
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,073
Gimme a break.
I haven't even been to bed yet.
358
00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,357
Well, perhaps it's time for you
to reexamine your club-hopping...
359
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,592
...popper-sniffing, disco lifestyle.
360
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:06,876
I explained about that.
361
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:11,511
It doesn't matter, darling.
You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it.
362
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,591
Subtitles by
SDI Media Group
363
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,751
[ENGLISH]
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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