1
00:00:13,151 --> 00:00:16,751
♪ Two and a Half Men 8x01 ♪
Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
Original Air Date on September 20, 2010
2
00:00:16,761 --> 00:00:20,761
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
3
00:00:21,819 --> 00:00:23,386
What the hell is that?
4
00:00:23,387 --> 00:00:24,655
Oh, sorry.
5
00:00:24,656 --> 00:00:27,557
I set my alarm so I could go
home before Jake wakes up.
6
00:00:27,558 --> 00:00:28,859
Turn it off!
7
00:00:30,361 --> 00:00:33,530
I'm trying, but
my arm's asleep.
8
00:00:36,084 --> 00:00:38,535
Aah. There. Whew.
9
00:00:38,536 --> 00:00:40,570
I can't believe
you have a watch alarm.
10
00:00:40,571 --> 00:00:41,672
Yeah, it's a Timex.
11
00:00:41,673 --> 00:00:43,757
Well, a really
nice knockoff.
12
00:00:43,758 --> 00:00:46,376
Even has indiglo.
See?
13
00:00:46,377 --> 00:00:49,513
Oh! Oh, for God's sake,
it's 6:00 a.m.
14
00:00:49,514 --> 00:00:51,214
Oh, I know, sorry.
15
00:00:51,215 --> 00:00:53,083
We agreed we don't want
our kids to know about us.
16
00:00:53,084 --> 00:00:54,468
Yeah, yeah, good-bye.
17
00:00:54,469 --> 00:00:55,802
Bye.
18
00:01:01,109 --> 00:01:03,310
Guess a little morning quickie
is out of the question.
19
00:01:03,311 --> 00:01:06,396
If you can do it
without waking me up.
20
00:01:09,350 --> 00:01:11,168
You're not really
thinking about it, are you?
21
00:01:13,437 --> 00:01:15,739
♪ Men. ♪
22
00:01:27,385 --> 00:01:28,635
Dear Lord.
23
00:01:28,636 --> 00:01:29,753
Charlie?
24
00:01:29,754 --> 00:01:30,971
Huh?
25
00:01:31,773 --> 00:01:33,223
You okay?
26
00:01:33,224 --> 00:01:35,425
Sure.
27
00:01:36,677 --> 00:01:38,478
Why do you ask?
28
00:01:38,479 --> 00:01:41,048
'Cause... you're passed out on
the stairs.
29
00:01:41,049 --> 00:01:43,900
Really?
30
00:01:49,023 --> 00:01:51,191
Oh, that's not good.
31
00:01:51,192 --> 00:01:54,077
How much did you have
to drink last night?
32
00:01:54,078 --> 00:01:56,279
Let's see...
33
00:02:10,545 --> 00:02:12,295
I don't know.
34
00:02:15,333 --> 00:02:19,386
I wonder how I got my pants off
over my shoes.
35
00:02:19,387 --> 00:02:22,639
Maybe you took your shoes off,
and then put them back on.
36
00:02:22,640 --> 00:02:24,391
Think it through, Alan.
37
00:02:24,392 --> 00:02:26,059
For what possible activity
38
00:02:26,060 --> 00:02:28,895
would I need my pants off
and my shoes on?
39
00:02:28,896 --> 00:02:30,063
I don't know.
40
00:02:30,064 --> 00:02:31,782
Chasing a reluctant hooker?
41
00:02:34,552 --> 00:02:36,753
Can't rule it out.
42
00:02:37,705 --> 00:02:39,823
So... where have you been?
43
00:02:39,824 --> 00:02:41,191
I was with Lyndsey.
44
00:02:41,192 --> 00:02:42,959
Who's Lyndsey?
45
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,377
Eldridge's mom.
46
00:02:45,296 --> 00:02:46,279
Who's Eldridge?
47
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:47,581
Jake's friend?
48
00:02:48,666 --> 00:02:50,033
Jake is my son.
49
00:02:50,034 --> 00:02:53,670
I know who Jake is.
50
00:02:53,671 --> 00:02:57,591
What I don't know is
where my pants are.
51
00:02:57,592 --> 00:02:58,975
Excuse me.
52
00:03:20,114 --> 00:03:22,999
Guess who had
a Cobb salad for dinner.
53
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:25,568
Charming. I'm, uh,
I'm going to go lay down.
54
00:03:25,569 --> 00:03:29,289
You know, Jake may not be the
brightest monkey in the meadow,
55
00:03:29,290 --> 00:03:31,458
but even he's going to
eventually figure out
56
00:03:31,459 --> 00:03:33,009
that you're banging
his buddy's mom.
57
00:03:33,010 --> 00:03:35,345
Don't worry. I'll tell him
when the time is right.
58
00:03:35,346 --> 00:03:36,412
And when is that?
59
00:03:36,413 --> 00:03:37,964
When I'm sure
that Lyndsey and I
60
00:03:37,965 --> 00:03:39,582
have built a solid relationship
that will last.
61
00:03:39,583 --> 00:03:40,934
In the meantime,
62
00:03:40,935 --> 00:03:42,886
I don't want to complicate his
friendship with Eldridge.
63
00:03:42,887 --> 00:03:44,521
Lyndsey's son, right?
64
00:03:44,522 --> 00:03:45,438
Right.
65
00:03:45,439 --> 00:03:47,224
Ha!
66
00:03:48,425 --> 00:03:50,110
Yeah. Yeah, very good.
67
00:03:50,111 --> 00:03:53,096
The point is, I haven't
said anything to Jake because
68
00:03:53,097 --> 00:03:55,198
in a lot of ways, he's
still a little boy.
69
00:03:55,199 --> 00:03:58,818
He's not very sophisticated when
it comes to adult sexual...
70
00:04:00,037 --> 00:04:01,905
...relationships.
71
00:04:08,162 --> 00:04:10,380
Yours?
72
00:04:12,533 --> 00:04:15,552
Alan, she's like, 16.
73
00:04:15,553 --> 00:04:17,704
And... again I ask--
74
00:04:17,705 --> 00:04:20,891
hoping I won't be
called to testify...
75
00:04:22,459 --> 00:04:23,560
Yours?
76
00:04:23,561 --> 00:04:26,179
No, she's coming
from Jake's room.
77
00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:27,898
Why would a girl
be leaving Jake's room
78
00:04:27,899 --> 00:04:28,965
at 7:00 in the morning?
79
00:04:28,966 --> 00:04:30,233
Why do you think?
80
00:04:30,234 --> 00:04:32,602
Oh, come on! He's 16!
81
00:04:32,603 --> 00:04:34,971
Not everybody waits till they're
a junior in college, Alan!
82
00:04:34,972 --> 00:04:38,658
A sophomore, and I still
wasn't emotionally ready.
83
00:04:38,659 --> 00:04:41,695
Well, obviously your kid's
a little more advanced.
84
00:04:41,696 --> 00:04:43,479
No. No, this
is unacceptable.
85
00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:46,666
He and I are going to
have to have a little talk.
86
00:04:52,656 --> 00:04:55,175
Maybe he can
give you some tips.
87
00:04:55,176 --> 00:04:57,594
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
88
00:04:57,595 --> 00:05:00,864
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
89
00:05:02,244 --> 00:05:03,294
♪ Men. ♪
90
00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:04,987
Unbelievable.
91
00:05:04,988 --> 00:05:07,839
My little boy spent
the night with two girls.
92
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:09,708
Two so far.
93
00:05:11,127 --> 00:05:12,160
What?
94
00:05:12,161 --> 00:05:13,712
We don't have
a final tally.
95
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:16,248
There might be more
clowns in that car.
96
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,200
You think?
97
00:05:18,201 --> 00:05:20,369
At this point,
anything's possible.
98
00:05:20,370 --> 00:05:22,087
There's only one
way to find out.
99
00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:23,088
Hang on, hang on.
100
00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:25,224
Come here.
101
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:27,125
Let's think
this through.
102
00:05:27,126 --> 00:05:28,310
What is there to think through?
103
00:05:28,311 --> 00:05:30,962
The possibility of my son
hosting an orgy?
104
00:05:30,963 --> 00:05:33,732
Now, not to be a stickler,
105
00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:37,552
but technically an orgy requires
a minimum of six participants.
106
00:05:37,553 --> 00:05:38,720
What?
107
00:05:38,721 --> 00:05:41,823
It goes... masturbation,
one-on-one, threesome,
108
00:05:41,824 --> 00:05:43,158
two couples swinging,
109
00:05:43,159 --> 00:05:45,911
two couples swinging
with a looky-loo, orgy's six.
110
00:05:46,696 --> 00:05:48,363
It frightens me
that you know that.
111
00:05:48,364 --> 00:05:50,499
Everybody knows that.
112
00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:53,485
Well, whatever you call it, it
needs to be nipped in the bud.
113
00:05:53,486 --> 00:05:56,255
Now we're talking three girls
and a guy named Bud.
114
00:05:57,823 --> 00:06:00,158
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
115
00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:01,826
What are you gonna do?
Punish him?
116
00:06:01,827 --> 00:06:03,929
Well, what do you want me
to do? Give him a merit badge?
117
00:06:03,930 --> 00:06:05,797
Well, it is quite
an accomplishment.
118
00:06:05,798 --> 00:06:07,299
This is not funny, Charlie!
119
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,383
Hey, I'm not laughing.
120
00:06:08,384 --> 00:06:10,001
The kid's doing
better than I am.
121
00:06:10,002 --> 00:06:12,003
I woke up on
the stairs alone.
122
00:06:12,004 --> 00:06:14,640
Oh, you're up.
123
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:16,775
These were in the mailbox.
124
00:06:18,895 --> 00:06:20,845
What the hell were they
doing in the mailbox?
125
00:06:20,846 --> 00:06:22,814
I don't know, but
there's postage on 'em.
126
00:06:28,905 --> 00:06:32,157
Well, I clearly had
a plan of some kind.
127
00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:34,192
What's everybody
doing up so early?
128
00:06:34,193 --> 00:06:36,795
We just saw two girls
sneaking out of Jake's room.
129
00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:37,829
Two?
130
00:06:37,830 --> 00:06:39,448
Two.
131
00:06:39,449 --> 00:06:41,366
Taterhead had a threesome?
132
00:06:43,002 --> 00:06:45,003
We don't know that.
133
00:06:45,004 --> 00:06:47,589
Maybe they were having an
all-night study session.
134
00:06:48,891 --> 00:06:51,259
My God, he had a threesome.
135
00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:53,929
Morning.
136
00:06:53,930 --> 00:06:55,681
Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
137
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:08,960
Hungry?
138
00:07:08,961 --> 00:07:10,145
Yep.
139
00:07:10,146 --> 00:07:10,996
Thirsty?
140
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,064
Mm-hmm.
141
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,148
Proud?
142
00:07:13,149 --> 00:07:15,066
What?
143
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:16,084
Ignore him.
144
00:07:16,085 --> 00:07:18,337
So, what'd you wind
up doing last night?
145
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:19,338
Nothin'.
146
00:07:19,339 --> 00:07:21,340
Nothing, you say.
147
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:23,542
So, just an evening
alone in your room.
148
00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:24,409
Pretty much.
149
00:07:24,410 --> 00:07:26,712
Quiet? Uneventful?
150
00:07:27,797 --> 00:07:29,014
Boring?
151
00:07:29,816 --> 00:07:30,782
I guess.
152
00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:33,301
Nothing I have
to clean up?
153
00:07:33,302 --> 00:07:36,588
Nope. Wait... I did
have a sandwich in bed.
154
00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,473
I knew it!
155
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,361
What are you talking about?
156
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:43,879
We saw the girls, Jake.
157
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:47,215
Well, this is awkward.
158
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:51,403
Two hotties, sneaking out of
your room. Up top, little stud!
159
00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:52,537
Charlie!
160
00:07:52,538 --> 00:07:54,456
This does not call
for a high-five.
161
00:07:54,457 --> 00:07:55,741
You're right.
162
00:07:55,742 --> 00:07:57,743
It's hugging time.
Come here, you dog.
163
00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:59,995
Stop it! Stop it!
Stop it.
164
00:07:59,996 --> 00:08:02,497
I want to know what those
girls were doing in your room.
165
00:08:02,498 --> 00:08:04,633
He told you: They were
making a sandwich.
166
00:08:04,634 --> 00:08:06,885
Would you please?!
167
00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:08,920
I am waiting for an answer.
168
00:08:08,921 --> 00:08:11,089
All right. Their names
were Tiffany and Joanne,
169
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:13,058
and they're from my school
and they're into surfing.
170
00:08:13,059 --> 00:08:16,061
Terrific. So what were
they doing in your room!?
171
00:08:16,062 --> 00:08:18,397
Hey, chill!
I'm gettin' to it.
172
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:19,347
Yeah, chill!
173
00:08:19,348 --> 00:08:20,799
He's gettin' to it.
174
00:08:22,151 --> 00:08:24,486
They were going to
sleep in their car so
they could hit the waves
175
00:08:24,487 --> 00:08:26,888
as soon as the sun came
up, and I said they
could crash here.
176
00:08:26,889 --> 00:08:28,190
So...
177
00:08:28,191 --> 00:08:29,441
nothing happened?
178
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,843
No, we're just friends.
I slept on the floor.
179
00:08:31,844 --> 00:08:33,862
Aww...
Aww...
180
00:08:33,863 --> 00:08:35,030
This is not "Aww."
181
00:08:35,031 --> 00:08:37,082
This is "Yay!"
182
00:08:38,050 --> 00:08:39,367
Yay.
Yay.
183
00:08:39,368 --> 00:08:42,020
So when I asked you about
last night, why did you lie?
184
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:44,473
It's usually
the simpler path.
185
00:08:44,474 --> 00:08:46,792
And, and why didn't you
ask permission
186
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:48,126
before asking
your friends over?
187
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:49,060
You weren't around.
188
00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:50,495
Where were you,
by the way?
189
00:08:54,016 --> 00:08:56,051
I went to the gym.
190
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:58,804
A little, little cardio, uh,
191
00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:00,939
spinning class,
light weights, uh,
192
00:09:00,940 --> 00:09:03,174
you know, I'm just into
maintenance, not bulking up.
193
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:04,893
Don't find that attractive.
194
00:09:04,894 --> 00:09:06,812
I prefer the lean, mean
swimmer's body.
195
00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:08,697
You know, like...
196
00:09:08,698 --> 00:09:10,198
Jesus.
197
00:09:10,199 --> 00:09:13,351
Nice, Alan.
Drag our Lord into it.
198
00:09:13,352 --> 00:09:15,821
Anyway, you still
could've called me.
199
00:09:15,822 --> 00:09:16,822
Or-Or asked your uncle.
200
00:09:16,823 --> 00:09:18,073
You didn't answer your phone,
201
00:09:18,074 --> 00:09:20,041
and Uncle Charlie was busy
trying to mail his pants.
202
00:09:20,042 --> 00:09:21,877
Oh good, good,
you saw that.
203
00:09:21,878 --> 00:09:23,912
Did I happen to mention
why I was doing it?
204
00:09:23,913 --> 00:09:25,029
Nope.
205
00:09:25,030 --> 00:09:26,331
And you didn't ask?
206
00:09:26,332 --> 00:09:29,134
Over the years I've learned
to look the other way.
207
00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:30,719
All right, all right, let's...
let's not get off-track here.
208
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:32,420
The important thing is
that if you're gonna
209
00:09:32,421 --> 00:09:34,639
have company,
you give one of us a heads-up.
210
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:35,874
Fine.
211
00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:36,925
Oh, hey, look.
212
00:09:36,926 --> 00:09:39,344
There's a note in my pocket.
213
00:09:43,099 --> 00:09:45,600
"Dear Inspected By Number 94...
214
00:09:45,601 --> 00:09:49,437
"It is with a heavy heart
that I write to you.
215
00:09:49,438 --> 00:09:54,860
"The zipper you signed off
on has snagged my ball sack.
216
00:09:57,697 --> 00:10:00,932
"Thank you for your prompt
attention to this matter.
217
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:04,786
Sincerely yours,
Charles Francis Harper."
218
00:10:05,922 --> 00:10:09,174
Well, that explains
the blood in my shorts.
219
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,928
I hope.
220
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:20,535
I've got a
little surprise for you!
221
00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:22,470
Well, I've got a--
222
00:10:22,471 --> 00:10:26,308
what I'm told is a perfectly
adequate surprise for you.
223
00:10:27,193 --> 00:10:29,694
You like?
224
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:31,930
Oh, yes.
225
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:34,933
Your surprise has greatly
enhanced my surprise.
226
00:10:36,285 --> 00:10:40,622
Oh, is that whipped cream, or
are you planning to shave me?
227
00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:43,241
I mean, y'know,
I'm fine either way.
228
00:10:43,242 --> 00:10:45,109
It's whipped cream, Alan.
229
00:10:45,110 --> 00:10:47,045
Oh, okay. Uh, fat-free?
230
00:10:47,046 --> 00:10:48,947
'Cause I'm trying
to cut down.
231
00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:52,951
Relax. You're not going to
be the one licking it up.
232
00:10:55,171 --> 00:10:56,388
Oh!
233
00:10:58,290 --> 00:10:59,558
Well, bon appetit.
234
00:11:02,127 --> 00:11:03,178
Ma!
235
00:11:03,179 --> 00:11:04,479
Damn.
236
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,881
Eldridge! Why aren't
you in school?
237
00:11:06,882 --> 00:11:09,084
It's a half day!
Teachers' conference.
238
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,485
How come I didn't
know about that?
239
00:11:10,486 --> 00:11:11,820
I don't know.
240
00:11:11,821 --> 00:11:13,738
Jake's gonna
stay for dinner, okay?
241
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:16,575
Uh... did he ask his dad?
242
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:19,244
Yes, Mrs. MacElroy,
he said it's fine.
243
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:21,112
No, he didn't, he's
totally lying!
244
00:11:21,113 --> 00:11:22,080
Shh!
245
00:11:22,081 --> 00:11:24,249
He's been lying
a lot lately.
246
00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:27,752
Boy, you try to bring a
kid up with some values.
247
00:11:27,753 --> 00:11:29,153
Hand me a tissue,
will you?
248
00:11:29,154 --> 00:11:31,790
The whipped cream's
dripping into my crack.
Okay.
249
00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:33,925
Want some pie?
250
00:11:33,926 --> 00:11:36,011
Sure. Got any
whipped cream?
251
00:11:36,012 --> 00:11:39,297
Usually we do.
252
00:11:39,298 --> 00:11:40,548
I don't see it.
253
00:11:40,549 --> 00:11:43,184
Man, we go through a lot of
whipped cream in this house.
254
00:11:55,031 --> 00:11:56,681
Was that my dad?
255
00:11:56,682 --> 00:11:58,650
♪ Men. ♪
256
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:04,124
♪ Men. ♪
257
00:12:14,521 --> 00:12:15,788
Hi.
258
00:12:20,443 --> 00:12:21,977
Hello.
259
00:12:23,296 --> 00:12:25,297
Did you know Rottweilers
are attracted
260
00:12:25,298 --> 00:12:26,782
to the scent
of whipped cream?
261
00:12:26,783 --> 00:12:28,968
Matter of fact,
I did know that.
262
00:12:28,969 --> 00:12:30,920
Mmm.
263
00:12:30,921 --> 00:12:31,870
I just
learned it.
264
00:12:31,871 --> 00:12:34,139
Mmm.
265
00:12:34,140 --> 00:12:35,307
Jake almost
caught me
266
00:12:35,308 --> 00:12:37,092
sneaking out of
Lyndsey's house.
267
00:12:37,093 --> 00:12:38,143
Really?
268
00:12:38,144 --> 00:12:39,094
Close call.
269
00:12:39,095 --> 00:12:40,396
One question.
270
00:12:40,397 --> 00:12:41,397
Yeah?
271
00:12:41,398 --> 00:12:42,765
Whose idea was it to
272
00:12:42,766 --> 00:12:44,683
spice things up
with a large dog?
273
00:12:44,684 --> 00:12:47,653
The dog was not
with us in bed.
274
00:12:47,654 --> 00:12:49,104
The dog was
being walked
275
00:12:49,105 --> 00:12:50,322
by a nine-year-old girl
276
00:12:50,323 --> 00:12:52,825
who was not quite capable
of holding onto the leash
277
00:12:52,826 --> 00:12:54,777
when he got
a whiff of
278
00:12:54,778 --> 00:12:57,496
my non-fat,
dairy-scented crotch.
279
00:12:57,497 --> 00:13:00,616
Okay. Okay.
280
00:13:00,617 --> 00:13:02,585
I'm not judging,
281
00:13:02,586 --> 00:13:05,871
but why was a nine-year-
old girl walking her dog
282
00:13:05,872 --> 00:13:06,872
through
Lyndsey's bedroom?
283
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:08,874
No. The girl
was on the street
284
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,175
with the dog.
285
00:13:10,176 --> 00:13:11,176
Oh.
Hmm.
286
00:13:11,177 --> 00:13:12,294
All right,
another question.
287
00:13:12,295 --> 00:13:13,712
I was on the street
288
00:13:13,713 --> 00:13:15,714
'cause I was sneaking
out of Lyndsey's house.
289
00:13:15,715 --> 00:13:17,049
Ah!
290
00:13:17,050 --> 00:13:18,917
You know, for
such a boring guy,
291
00:13:18,918 --> 00:13:21,303
you lead a very
complicated life.
292
00:13:22,606 --> 00:13:27,259
Yeah, it's a
paradox, isn't it?
293
00:13:28,478 --> 00:13:30,462
Iced tea?
294
00:13:30,463 --> 00:13:32,448
I decided when you
try to mail your pants
295
00:13:32,449 --> 00:13:34,116
to a garment
inspector in Malaysia,
296
00:13:34,117 --> 00:13:36,485
it's time to
quit drinking.
297
00:13:41,625 --> 00:13:43,292
Some might say that
day came and went
298
00:13:43,293 --> 00:13:45,711
when you gave
yourself that haircut.
299
00:13:48,381 --> 00:13:50,633
But good for you.
300
00:13:50,634 --> 00:13:52,134
Yep.
301
00:13:52,135 --> 00:13:54,553
Long overdue.
302
00:13:54,554 --> 00:13:55,787
You want a beer?
303
00:13:55,788 --> 00:13:57,590
You just said
you were quitting.
304
00:13:58,458 --> 00:14:00,259
I did. And I am.
305
00:14:00,260 --> 00:14:02,511
My drinking
days are over.
306
00:14:03,296 --> 00:14:05,097
See?
Beer.
307
00:14:09,185 --> 00:14:10,185
Hello?
308
00:14:10,186 --> 00:14:11,904
Uh... uh... in here!
309
00:14:11,905 --> 00:14:13,939
Ixnay on the
ottweiler-Ray!
310
00:14:13,940 --> 00:14:15,274
What?
311
00:14:15,275 --> 00:14:16,942
The oggy-day who tried
to ite-bay my alls-bay.
312
00:14:16,943 --> 00:14:18,243
Hey, buddy!
313
00:14:18,244 --> 00:14:20,145
I'm not
your buddy.
314
00:14:20,146 --> 00:14:20,946
What?
315
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:22,247
I just came to
get my stuff.
316
00:14:22,248 --> 00:14:23,949
I'm staying with Mom
and Herb from now on.
317
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:24,783
Why?
318
00:14:24,784 --> 00:14:26,118
I saw you sneaking out
319
00:14:26,119 --> 00:14:27,119
of Eldridge's house.
320
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:30,706
Oh, Alan, no!
321
00:14:30,707 --> 00:14:34,159
Are you crazy, having sex
with my best friend's mom?
322
00:14:34,160 --> 00:14:37,096
Shame on you!
323
00:14:37,097 --> 00:14:38,547
I had no
idea, Jake.
324
00:14:38,548 --> 00:14:40,799
I, I, I, I was
gonna tell you,
325
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:41,833
you know, eventually.
326
00:14:41,834 --> 00:14:43,435
You're such a liar.
327
00:14:43,436 --> 00:14:45,220
Oh, oh, oh, I'm a liar?
328
00:14:45,221 --> 00:14:47,806
What were you doing at
Eldridge's in the first place?
329
00:14:47,807 --> 00:14:50,893
You certainly didn't
ask permission from me!
330
00:14:52,062 --> 00:14:54,279
Attaboy.
331
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,281
Trying to take
the high road
332
00:14:56,282 --> 00:14:59,618
with a crotch full of whipped
cream and dog spittle.
333
00:14:59,619 --> 00:15:01,954
♪ Men. ♪
334
00:15:03,089 --> 00:15:04,873
Ah.
335
00:15:04,874 --> 00:15:07,526
You know, I feel a lot better
since I've stopped drinking.
336
00:15:10,413 --> 00:15:12,898
Yeah, we're all
proud of you.
337
00:15:12,899 --> 00:15:14,533
I have
more energy,
338
00:15:14,534 --> 00:15:16,251
I'm certainly
more clear-headed.
339
00:15:16,252 --> 00:15:17,469
In fact, the
only downside is
340
00:15:17,470 --> 00:15:19,254
I might have to put a
chip clip on my johnson
341
00:15:19,255 --> 00:15:21,840
to keep from
peeing my pants.
342
00:15:22,642 --> 00:15:24,226
I really screwed up, Charlie.
343
00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:26,378
I should've been honest
with Jake from the beginning.
344
00:15:26,379 --> 00:15:28,180
Just told him I was
seeing his friend's mother.
345
00:15:28,181 --> 00:15:30,933
Or, you could've not slept
with his friend's mother
346
00:15:30,934 --> 00:15:31,984
in the first place.
347
00:15:31,985 --> 00:15:33,602
Really?
348
00:15:33,603 --> 00:15:35,738
You're going to preach
sexual restraint to me?
349
00:15:35,739 --> 00:15:38,907
Let me explain
something to you, Alan.
350
00:15:38,908 --> 00:15:41,060
Jake expects me
to betray his trust.
351
00:15:41,061 --> 00:15:43,529
You, on the other hand, are
held to a higher standard.
352
00:15:43,530 --> 00:15:45,247
Is that so?
It is!
353
00:15:45,248 --> 00:15:47,399
You're like some
kind of right-wing,
354
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,084
pro-family
values senator,
355
00:15:49,085 --> 00:15:50,919
caught on his knees
in an airport toilet
356
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,388
with a
male hooker.
357
00:15:52,389 --> 00:15:55,174
Whereas I am a
well-known rascal.
358
00:15:56,342 --> 00:15:58,177
When I don't do
the wrong thing,
359
00:15:58,178 --> 00:15:59,628
people are
disappointed.
360
00:15:59,629 --> 00:16:02,080
Is that supposed to
make me feel better?
361
00:16:02,081 --> 00:16:04,133
No, the story was about me.
362
00:16:04,134 --> 00:16:06,185
God, you're such
a narcissist.
363
00:16:06,186 --> 00:16:09,354
You know what, I can't just
sit here and do nothing.
364
00:16:09,355 --> 00:16:11,423
I owe Jake an apology.
365
00:16:11,424 --> 00:16:13,525
You're going to Judith's?
I'll come with you.
366
00:16:13,526 --> 00:16:15,778
Why?
Why?
367
00:16:15,779 --> 00:16:17,813
You're my brother,
I want to support you.
368
00:16:17,814 --> 00:16:19,982
Really?
Nah, I'm just outta beer.
369
00:16:21,901 --> 00:16:24,119
But I do love that you
still fall for that.
370
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:27,372
♪ Men. ♪
371
00:16:27,373 --> 00:16:29,408
Well, I hope you're
proud of yourself.
372
00:16:29,409 --> 00:16:31,777
I am. I haven't
had a drink all day.
373
00:16:31,778 --> 00:16:33,579
She was talking
to me, Charlie,
374
00:16:33,580 --> 00:16:34,963
and no, I'm not.
375
00:16:34,964 --> 00:16:36,131
Okay, Millie's
finally asleep.
376
00:16:36,132 --> 00:16:39,718
Ooh, is
that real beer?
377
00:16:39,719 --> 00:16:40,886
Knock yourself out.
378
00:16:40,887 --> 00:16:43,555
Oh, thanks! I'm gonna regret
this in the morning.
379
00:16:45,124 --> 00:16:48,761
My God, Alan, I can't
believe you're sleeping
with Lyndsey MacElroy.
380
00:16:48,762 --> 00:16:50,962
You're sleeping with
Lyndsey MacElroy?
381
00:16:52,265 --> 00:16:53,899
My man!
382
00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:55,317
How could
you do that?
383
00:16:55,318 --> 00:16:56,485
Yeah, how?
384
00:16:56,486 --> 00:16:59,104
Don't leave
anything out.
385
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:00,773
Well, it just happened.
386
00:17:00,774 --> 00:17:03,242
Her son and Jake are friends,
which is how we met,
387
00:17:03,243 --> 00:17:04,810
and we, you know, hit it off.
388
00:17:04,811 --> 00:17:07,479
You don't sleep with
your son's friend's mother.
389
00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:08,580
No, no.
390
00:17:08,581 --> 00:17:11,283
You marry his pediatrician.
391
00:17:15,038 --> 00:17:18,207
He's got you
there, sweetie.
392
00:17:18,208 --> 00:17:20,526
You know, there's
a rumor going around
393
00:17:20,527 --> 00:17:22,594
that Lyndsey was in
a soft-core porn movie
394
00:17:22,595 --> 00:17:23,629
before she got married.
395
00:17:23,630 --> 00:17:24,930
Really? Which one?
396
00:17:24,931 --> 00:17:27,216
I don't know, but I've
been checking Cinemax
397
00:17:27,217 --> 00:17:28,283
every night for months.
398
00:17:28,284 --> 00:17:29,935
Oh, I love their stuff.
399
00:17:29,936 --> 00:17:31,019
It's classy, right?
400
00:17:31,020 --> 00:17:33,021
A little story,
nice lighting,
401
00:17:33,022 --> 00:17:36,441
and you never have to
see the guy's junk.
402
00:17:36,442 --> 00:17:38,076
What is
wrong with you?
403
00:17:38,077 --> 00:17:40,729
You don't like seeing
that stuff, either.
404
00:17:42,465 --> 00:17:44,199
I think that's
enough beer, sweetheart.
405
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,484
I'll get Jake.
406
00:17:45,485 --> 00:17:47,703
There you go, pal.
407
00:17:47,704 --> 00:17:49,688
Thanks, but you heard her.
I've had enough.
408
00:17:51,524 --> 00:17:54,910
Boy, oh, boy,
Lyndsey MacElroy.
409
00:17:54,911 --> 00:17:56,278
You are one lucky ducky.
410
00:17:56,279 --> 00:17:58,831
Yeah, she's very beautiful.
411
00:17:58,832 --> 00:18:00,833
You know, sometimes
I drive past her house
412
00:18:00,834 --> 00:18:03,302
and she's out watering her
lawn in her shorty shorts
413
00:18:03,303 --> 00:18:04,553
and her halter top.
414
00:18:04,554 --> 00:18:06,138
Cowabunga!
415
00:18:07,340 --> 00:18:09,174
No one wants
to talk to him,
416
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:11,059
but he's your father.
417
00:18:11,060 --> 00:18:12,644
Oh, hey, buddy.
418
00:18:12,645 --> 00:18:13,679
What do
you want?
419
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,848
What I want is to apologize
420
00:18:15,849 --> 00:18:18,066
for not telling you about
me and Eldridge's mom.
421
00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:19,852
You know, this is
between you guys.
422
00:18:19,853 --> 00:18:22,020
I'm just gonna go
take a hot shower.
423
00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:26,358
Eldridge doesn't want to
be friends with me anymore.
424
00:18:26,359 --> 00:18:29,077
Oh, I am so sorry.
But, but this can't
be the first time
425
00:18:29,078 --> 00:18:30,362
something like this
has happened.
426
00:18:30,363 --> 00:18:32,197
I mean, how many times
has your Uncle Charlie
427
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:33,248
slept with
somebody you knew?
428
00:18:33,249 --> 00:18:35,734
Yeah, but I expect
that from him.
429
00:18:35,735 --> 00:18:38,670
See, Alan? I'm Teflon.
430
00:18:39,973 --> 00:18:42,958
You're a perv,
is what you are.
431
00:18:44,410 --> 00:18:46,094
And it's not just that
you were sleeping with her,
432
00:18:46,095 --> 00:18:47,429
it's that you
lied to me about it.
433
00:18:47,430 --> 00:18:48,764
You're right.
434
00:18:48,765 --> 00:18:50,465
I should've told
you the truth.
435
00:18:50,466 --> 00:18:52,267
And, and Lyndsey
should've told Eldridge.
436
00:18:52,268 --> 00:18:54,519
But when it happened, we didn't
know if it would even last.
437
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,555
I just don't like you
keeping things from me.
438
00:18:56,556 --> 00:18:58,557
That's fair, and, and,
and I'll make you a deal.
439
00:18:58,558 --> 00:19:01,226
From now on, I will be
open and honest with you
440
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:02,527
and you'll do
the same with me.
441
00:19:02,528 --> 00:19:04,880
Deal?
I guess.
442
00:19:04,881 --> 00:19:06,281
Thanks.
443
00:19:06,282 --> 00:19:08,233
I have to go
finish my homework.
444
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,152
Okay. So, uh... I'll
see you this weekend?
445
00:19:10,153 --> 00:19:11,069
Sure.
446
00:19:11,070 --> 00:19:13,104
Great.
Love you, buddy.
447
00:19:13,105 --> 00:19:14,706
Don't push it, Dad.
448
00:19:15,541 --> 00:19:17,542
You're lucky
he's so forgiving.
449
00:19:17,543 --> 00:19:19,244
Takes after his mom, huh?
450
00:19:20,613 --> 00:19:22,948
Um, you know,
we should go.
451
00:19:23,750 --> 00:19:25,417
I gotta pee.
You mind, Judith?
452
00:19:25,418 --> 00:19:27,219
Just try to hit
the bowl this time.
453
00:19:27,220 --> 00:19:30,505
Don't worry, I only miss
when I've been drinking.
454
00:19:30,506 --> 00:19:33,792
I'll wait in the car.
455
00:19:33,793 --> 00:19:35,227
Hey, Judith?
456
00:19:36,312 --> 00:19:38,129
Is there surfing
around here?
457
00:19:38,130 --> 00:19:39,314
What are you talking about?
458
00:19:39,315 --> 00:19:40,549
We're 20 miles
from the beach.
459
00:19:40,550 --> 00:19:42,267
That's what I thought.
460
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:43,819
I am so proud of that kid.
461
00:19:43,820 --> 00:19:46,304
♪ Men. ♪
462
00:19:48,823 --> 00:19:50,440
Isn't this nice?
463
00:19:50,441 --> 00:19:52,943
The four of us sitting
down, having dinner.
464
00:19:52,944 --> 00:19:54,928
Open.
Honest.
465
00:19:54,929 --> 00:19:55,996
No secrets.
466
00:19:55,997 --> 00:19:57,781
Yeah.
Thrilling.
467
00:19:59,033 --> 00:20:00,417
So, Jake, your dad tells me
468
00:20:00,418 --> 00:20:02,252
you're getting into
the surfing scene?
469
00:20:02,253 --> 00:20:03,203
What do you mean?
470
00:20:03,204 --> 00:20:04,671
You know, uh,
Tiffany and Joanne.
471
00:20:04,672 --> 00:20:06,173
Oh, yeah.
Right.
472
00:20:06,174 --> 00:20:07,707
Tiffany and Joanne surf?
473
00:20:07,708 --> 00:20:10,710
Yes, Eldridge.
They surf.
474
00:20:12,029 --> 00:20:13,930
Charlie? Would you
like some pizza?
475
00:20:13,931 --> 00:20:15,565
No, thanks.
476
00:20:15,566 --> 00:20:17,801
I'm kinda on a health kick.
477
00:20:18,886 --> 00:20:21,421
Didn't you tell me
he quit drinking?
478
00:20:21,422 --> 00:20:23,673
He actually thinks he did.
479
00:20:27,678 --> 00:20:28,728
Hello?
480
00:20:28,729 --> 00:20:31,514
Oh, hey, Herb!
S'up?
481
00:20:31,515 --> 00:20:32,299
Really?
482
00:20:32,300 --> 00:20:34,234
Right now?
483
00:20:34,235 --> 00:20:36,519
Hang on.
484
00:20:40,825 --> 00:20:41,708
Are you sure?
485
00:20:41,709 --> 00:20:43,210
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
486
00:20:43,211 --> 00:20:44,794
Lyndsey?
487
00:20:44,795 --> 00:20:45,829
Hmm?
488
00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:47,530
Never mind.
489
00:20:47,531 --> 00:20:50,366
You're right, it's her!
490
00:20:51,252 --> 00:20:53,420
Okay, Herb. Thanks.
491
00:20:53,421 --> 00:20:55,639
Great. Have a nice shower.
492
00:21:01,746 --> 00:21:04,681
Boy, she sure does
like the whipped cream.
493
00:21:05,082 --> 00:21:08,158
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net