1
00:00:00,252 --> 00:00:01,452
♪ men. ♪
2
00:00:01,453 --> 00:00:03,321
(heavy breathing)
3
00:00:04,431 --> 00:00:07,931
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
4
00:00:08,373 --> 00:00:10,357
Sorry.
5
00:00:12,661 --> 00:00:14,678
It's okay, alan.
6
00:00:14,679 --> 00:00:17,481
I don't have to have an orgasm
every time we make love.
7
00:00:17,482 --> 00:00:19,116
I did my best.
8
00:00:19,117 --> 00:00:20,951
It's just that my sinuses
are a little blocked
9
00:00:20,952 --> 00:00:22,536
And I needed my mouth
for breathing.
10
00:00:22,537 --> 00:00:24,955
Don't worry about it.
You were great.
11
00:00:24,956 --> 00:00:26,140
"a" for effort.
12
00:00:26,141 --> 00:00:27,758
Yeah, but on my report card
13
00:00:27,759 --> 00:00:30,044
It's still going to
say "incomplete."
14
00:00:30,045 --> 00:00:31,161
Don't dwell on that.
15
00:00:31,162 --> 00:00:33,514
Let's just enjoy
being together.
16
00:00:33,515 --> 00:00:34,715
I am enjoying it.
17
00:00:34,725 --> 00:00:36,103
Whoa. Thirsty.
18
00:00:36,532 --> 00:00:38,566
I need to tell you something.
19
00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:39,868
Uh-huh.
20
00:00:39,869 --> 00:00:42,370
I think I love you,
Alan Harper.
21
00:00:42,371 --> 00:00:43,705
(gasps)
22
00:00:43,706 --> 00:00:45,123
(coughs)
23
00:00:45,124 --> 00:00:47,325
Did it go down
the wrong way?
24
00:00:47,326 --> 00:00:50,445
Yeah, that seems to be
the theme of the evening.
25
00:00:50,446 --> 00:00:52,881
(coughs)
26
00:00:53,966 --> 00:00:56,000
Are you going
to leave me hanging?
27
00:00:56,001 --> 00:00:59,671
You said it was okay.
You told me to stop.
28
00:00:59,672 --> 00:01:01,139
You know what I mean.
29
00:01:01,140 --> 00:01:03,007
I just told you
I love you.
30
00:01:03,008 --> 00:01:04,476
Oh, oh, that.
31
00:01:04,477 --> 00:01:07,011
Oh, well, you know,
it goes without saying
32
00:01:07,012 --> 00:01:09,230
that I feel the same way.
33
00:01:09,231 --> 00:01:10,798
Then say it.
34
00:01:10,799 --> 00:01:12,650
(scoffs) Okay.
35
00:01:12,651 --> 00:01:14,569
(high-pitched):
I love you, Lyndsey.
36
00:01:15,438 --> 00:01:17,489
Why?
37
00:01:19,658 --> 00:01:20,825
Why?
38
00:01:20,826 --> 00:01:22,627
What do you love about me?
39
00:01:22,628 --> 00:01:25,146
Oh, well, what's
not to love?
40
00:01:25,147 --> 00:01:29,534
You know, you're-you're
beautiful and-and-and
41
00:01:29,535 --> 00:01:33,221
strong and smart and sexy.
42
00:01:33,222 --> 00:01:35,423
Uh-huh.
43
00:01:36,492 --> 00:01:38,376
Uh, confident,
44
00:01:38,377 --> 00:01:42,163
um, loyal, thrifty.
45
00:01:43,599 --> 00:01:45,600
Clean.
46
00:01:45,601 --> 00:01:47,335
Yeah?
47
00:01:47,336 --> 00:01:49,670
Persistent.
48
00:01:49,671 --> 00:01:52,056
Well, why do you love me?
49
00:01:52,057 --> 00:01:54,609
I don't know, I just do.
50
00:01:55,478 --> 00:01:56,861
That's not fair.
51
00:01:56,862 --> 00:01:58,446
Why did I get the
essay question?
52
00:02:01,150 --> 00:02:02,350
I think you should move in.
53
00:02:02,351 --> 00:02:03,618
(choking)
54
00:02:06,122 --> 00:02:07,822
You want me to move in here?
55
00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:08,907
Why not?
56
00:02:08,908 --> 00:02:10,074
We love each other.
57
00:02:10,075 --> 00:02:12,360
Plus, our sons get along.
58
00:02:12,361 --> 00:02:14,078
They can walk
to school from here,
59
00:02:14,079 --> 00:02:15,730
Jake's mom lives
just down the street,
60
00:02:15,731 --> 00:02:17,799
and there's plenty of room
for him on weekends.
61
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:20,385
Sounds like you've been
giving this a lot of thought.
62
00:02:20,386 --> 00:02:21,536
I have.
63
00:02:21,537 --> 00:02:23,538
Is that why I got
an incomplete,
64
00:02:23,539 --> 00:02:24,806
'cause you were distracted?
65
00:02:24,807 --> 00:02:26,307
No.
66
00:02:27,143 --> 00:02:28,593
Oh.
67
00:02:28,594 --> 00:02:31,095
Can you think of any reasons
why we shouldn't live together?
68
00:02:31,096 --> 00:02:34,182
Uh, no,
not off the top of my head.
69
00:02:34,183 --> 00:02:36,601
Which you were staring at
for quite a while.
70
00:02:36,602 --> 00:02:39,821
(nervous chuckle)
71
00:02:41,774 --> 00:02:43,942
Look, I don't want
to back you into a corner.
72
00:02:43,943 --> 00:02:45,326
Why don't you
think about it.
73
00:02:45,327 --> 00:02:48,062
Yeah, yeah, why don't I sit
with it for a day or two.
74
00:02:48,063 --> 00:02:50,081
And you can think about
why you love me.
75
00:02:50,082 --> 00:02:52,333
Okay.
76
00:02:53,202 --> 00:02:54,252
Mm.
77
00:02:54,253 --> 00:02:57,839
Oh, I guess I should
be getting home soon.
78
00:02:57,840 --> 00:03:00,241
If you lived here,
you'd be home already.
79
00:03:00,242 --> 00:03:01,676
That's true.
80
00:03:01,677 --> 00:03:04,245
That's funny-- I always see
those signs on the freeway,
81
00:03:04,246 --> 00:03:06,247
"If you lived here,
you'd be home already""
82
00:03:06,248 --> 00:03:08,266
And, you know, I
can't help but think,
83
00:03:08,267 --> 00:03:10,768
if I lived there, I'd have
a big sign outside my window
84
00:03:10,769 --> 00:03:13,754
ruining my perfectly
good view of the freeway.
85
00:03:13,755 --> 00:03:15,807
And if you lived
next to the freeway,
86
00:03:15,808 --> 00:03:18,193
you wouldn't be
getting this.
87
00:03:19,028 --> 00:03:21,029
Mmm, mmm, hang on.
88
00:03:21,030 --> 00:03:22,897
Let's just wet
the ol' whistle.
89
00:03:22,898 --> 00:03:26,201
My mouth.
I'm talking about mouth.
90
00:03:26,202 --> 00:03:29,153
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
91
00:03:29,154 --> 00:03:32,156
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
92
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♪ Two and a Half Men 8x02 ♪
A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
Original Air Date on September 27, 2010
93
00:03:35,825 --> 00:03:37,042
Yeah, hi.
94
00:03:37,088 --> 00:03:40,223
I'm watching your commercial,
Cash for Gold,
95
00:03:40,224 --> 00:03:41,958
and you just showed a woman
96
00:03:41,959 --> 00:03:44,745
selling her wedding ring
for $500.
97
00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:46,596
No, I don't want to sell gold.
98
00:03:46,597 --> 00:03:48,364
I want to meet that woman.
99
00:03:48,365 --> 00:03:49,883
She's hot
100
00:03:49,884 --> 00:03:52,302
and we know her marriage
isn't working out.
101
00:03:52,303 --> 00:03:53,536
Hey.
102
00:03:53,537 --> 00:03:55,255
Call you back.
103
00:03:58,226 --> 00:04:00,143
You got any gold in your teeth?
104
00:04:00,144 --> 00:04:02,479
A little. Why?
105
00:04:02,480 --> 00:04:04,564
Just thinking.
106
00:04:06,951 --> 00:04:08,869
Lyndsey told me
she loves me tonight.
107
00:04:08,870 --> 00:04:09,936
Really? What'd you say?
108
00:04:09,937 --> 00:04:14,107
What could I say?
"I love you, too."
109
00:04:14,108 --> 00:04:15,525
Do you love her?
110
00:04:15,526 --> 00:04:16,793
Yeah, sure.
111
00:04:16,794 --> 00:04:18,561
What's not to love?
112
00:04:18,562 --> 00:04:19,746
Oh, I don't know.
113
00:04:19,747 --> 00:04:24,167
Her mood swings,
her idiot teenage son
114
00:04:24,168 --> 00:04:25,702
and the fact that you need
a muscle relaxer,
115
00:04:25,703 --> 00:04:28,572
a bottle of wine and
a jackhammer to get her off.
116
00:04:30,741 --> 00:04:34,410
Hey, I told you about that
in confidence.
117
00:04:35,246 --> 00:04:37,264
Who else is here?
118
00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:41,301
The same two people know.
119
00:04:41,302 --> 00:04:44,855
All right, well,
let's keep it that way.
120
00:04:44,856 --> 00:04:48,058
She also said she wants me
to move in with her.
121
00:04:48,059 --> 00:04:51,645
Is that forever
or just till you get her off?
122
00:04:51,646 --> 00:04:54,064
Charlie...
123
00:04:54,065 --> 00:04:55,431
You're right, you're right,
you're right,
124
00:04:55,432 --> 00:04:57,150
that's a distinction
without a difference.
125
00:04:57,151 --> 00:04:58,902
Are you listening to me?
126
00:04:58,903 --> 00:05:00,787
Lyndsey said she wants me
to move out of here
127
00:05:00,788 --> 00:05:02,272
and in with her.
128
00:05:02,273 --> 00:05:04,875
Oh, you were serious.
129
00:05:06,210 --> 00:05:07,544
Well, that's great.
Congratulations.
130
00:05:07,545 --> 00:05:09,079
When are you leaving?
131
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,181
I don't know.
132
00:05:11,182 --> 00:05:12,999
I told her I'd think about it.
133
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:14,334
What's to think about?
134
00:05:14,335 --> 00:05:16,253
She's a terrific gal and
she can make you happy.
135
00:05:16,254 --> 00:05:17,804
But you just said...
136
00:05:17,805 --> 00:05:20,140
Oh, please, that was
just me crackin' wise.
137
00:05:21,625 --> 00:05:24,127
Everybody's got
a little baggage.
138
00:05:24,128 --> 00:05:27,481
I drink and try to
mouth kiss hookers.
139
00:05:28,966 --> 00:05:32,435
You, you're cheap, annoying
and no one likes you.
140
00:05:32,436 --> 00:05:34,137
Lyndsey likes me.
141
00:05:34,138 --> 00:05:36,523
Which is why you should
move in with her.
142
00:05:36,524 --> 00:05:39,075
But this is my home,
I'm comfortable here.
143
00:05:39,076 --> 00:05:41,477
No, no, no, no,
this is my home...
144
00:05:42,813 --> 00:05:46,199
...and before you moved into
it, I was comfortable here.
145
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:49,652
Now, now, you always say that,
but you don't mean it.
146
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:51,321
Yes, I do.
147
00:05:51,322 --> 00:05:53,540
Why won't you ever believe me?
148
00:05:53,541 --> 00:05:55,592
Come on,
after all these years,
149
00:05:55,593 --> 00:05:57,511
you're saying you wouldn't
miss me if I was gone?
150
00:05:57,512 --> 00:06:01,181
I'm saying I'd very much
like the chance to find out.
151
00:06:01,182 --> 00:06:04,134
Please, Alan,
give me that chance.
152
00:06:04,135 --> 00:06:05,852
No, I don't think so.
153
00:06:05,853 --> 00:06:07,771
My relationship with Lyndsey
is fine the way it is.
154
00:06:07,772 --> 00:06:10,307
I can come and go as I please,
I have my own space...
155
00:06:10,308 --> 00:06:12,842
No, no, no, no, no,
you have my space.
156
00:06:12,843 --> 00:06:16,313
Also a distinction
without a difference.
157
00:06:16,314 --> 00:06:18,681
So that's it?
You're not leaving?
158
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:21,017
Like I said,
I'm comfortable here.
159
00:06:21,018 --> 00:06:23,453
Comfortable, huh?
160
00:06:23,454 --> 00:06:26,740
Okay, my path is clear.
161
00:06:29,544 --> 00:06:30,994
Oh.
162
00:06:30,995 --> 00:06:34,197
I can grow tomatoes
upside down.
163
00:06:35,967 --> 00:06:37,751
♪ Men. ♪
164
00:06:43,257 --> 00:06:44,307
(knocking on door)
165
00:06:44,308 --> 00:06:46,876
Hey, you awake?
166
00:06:46,877 --> 00:06:49,896
No, I can keep going.
167
00:06:49,897 --> 00:06:51,264
Alan. Alan.
168
00:06:52,250 --> 00:06:53,600
Oh, hi.
169
00:06:53,601 --> 00:06:55,051
What's up?
170
00:06:55,052 --> 00:06:56,019
I need a favor.
171
00:06:56,020 --> 00:06:57,821
Okay, sure. What is it?
172
00:06:57,822 --> 00:06:58,888
I got this girl upstairs
173
00:06:58,889 --> 00:07:01,041
and I need you
to take care of her bird.
174
00:07:01,042 --> 00:07:03,827
Okay, when you say "bird,"
175
00:07:03,828 --> 00:07:05,912
what exactly is it
you're referring to?
176
00:07:05,913 --> 00:07:08,365
Get your mind
out of the gutter.
177
00:07:09,667 --> 00:07:11,234
Her bird.
178
00:07:12,403 --> 00:07:13,620
Here.
179
00:07:13,621 --> 00:07:15,505
Guess what his name is.
180
00:07:15,506 --> 00:07:17,907
Mothra?
181
00:07:17,908 --> 00:07:19,259
Larry.
182
00:07:19,260 --> 00:07:20,794
Larry Bird?
183
00:07:22,513 --> 00:07:23,597
Get it?
184
00:07:23,598 --> 00:07:25,081
Chick's from Boston.
185
00:07:25,082 --> 00:07:26,582
Anyway, I'd put him
in the living room,
186
00:07:26,583 --> 00:07:28,184
but Larry didn't like
to be alone.
187
00:07:28,185 --> 00:07:31,304
Oh. Okay, I guess.
188
00:07:31,305 --> 00:07:32,522
Thanks.
189
00:07:32,523 --> 00:07:34,891
Oh, yeah, don't put your hands
near his face.
190
00:07:34,892 --> 00:07:36,192
And if you get up to pee,
191
00:07:36,193 --> 00:07:37,811
make sure you close
the bathroom door.
192
00:07:37,812 --> 00:07:39,195
Why?
193
00:07:39,196 --> 00:07:41,147
I don't know, he's got
this thing about penises.
194
00:07:41,148 --> 00:07:42,699
He thinks they're big worms.
195
00:07:44,235 --> 00:07:46,603
Or L.A. Lakers.
Good night.
196
00:07:49,206 --> 00:07:51,875
Good night.
197
00:08:02,136 --> 00:08:04,287
(squawks)
Spank me!
198
00:08:05,122 --> 00:08:07,040
What?
199
00:08:07,041 --> 00:08:10,226
I'm a bad girl, spank me!
200
00:08:10,227 --> 00:08:13,313
Oh, for God's sake.
201
00:08:13,314 --> 00:08:15,482
Too big, too big.
202
00:08:15,483 --> 00:08:18,318
All right, all right, Larry,
go to sleep.
203
00:08:18,319 --> 00:08:20,437
That's it, baby. Oh, yeah.
204
00:08:20,438 --> 00:08:22,322
You're the best.
205
00:08:32,199 --> 00:08:34,668
(urinating)
206
00:08:34,669 --> 00:08:36,953
(squawking)
207
00:08:36,954 --> 00:08:38,355
(Alan screams)
208
00:08:38,356 --> 00:08:40,674
Not a worm! Not a worm!
209
00:08:40,675 --> 00:08:43,460
♪ Men. ♪
210
00:08:43,461 --> 00:08:44,660
(laughing)
211
00:08:44,661 --> 00:08:46,096
And let me tell ya,
212
00:08:46,097 --> 00:08:48,348
it wasn't easy finding
a hooker with a big bird.
213
00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:51,468
Snakes, no problem.
They all got snakes.
214
00:08:51,469 --> 00:08:53,887
Shh, shh, shh,
here he comes.
215
00:09:00,778 --> 00:09:02,946
Thanks again
for watching Larry.
216
00:09:04,865 --> 00:09:08,401
I'd say bite me,
but that's been taken care of.
217
00:09:11,038 --> 00:09:13,689
Hey, I'm sorry if that
made you uncomfortable,
218
00:09:13,690 --> 00:09:16,793
but from time to time, I do
entertain women in this house.
219
00:09:16,794 --> 00:09:20,714
That thing tried to
re-circumcise me.
220
00:09:20,715 --> 00:09:24,367
Maybe that's why
they call it a cockatoo.
221
00:09:26,837 --> 00:09:28,972
I know what you're doing,
and it's not gonna work.
222
00:09:28,973 --> 00:09:32,041
What ever are you talking about?
223
00:09:32,042 --> 00:09:33,727
I tell you I'm not moving in
with Lyndsey
224
00:09:33,728 --> 00:09:36,396
'cause I'm comfortable here,
and three hours later
225
00:09:36,397 --> 00:09:39,649
you put a giant penis-eating
parrot in my room.
226
00:09:40,568 --> 00:09:43,052
And you think
there's a connection?
227
00:09:43,053 --> 00:09:45,989
(mocking tone):
Yes, I think
there's a connection.
228
00:09:49,777 --> 00:09:51,411
Damn it.
229
00:09:51,412 --> 00:09:53,246
How do you get a guy
to leave your house
230
00:09:53,247 --> 00:09:54,581
who doesn't want to go?
231
00:09:54,582 --> 00:09:57,450
Tell him you missed your period
and you're out of pot.
232
00:09:59,170 --> 00:10:01,737
Always worked for me.
233
00:10:02,673 --> 00:10:05,241
♪ Men. ♪
234
00:10:07,344 --> 00:10:11,264
CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan, how are you
with the jumble?
235
00:10:11,265 --> 00:10:13,299
Charlie?
236
00:10:13,300 --> 00:10:14,634
What are you doing in here?
237
00:10:14,635 --> 00:10:18,388
Right now, the jumble.
238
00:10:18,389 --> 00:10:20,673
O-L-C-U-D?
239
00:10:20,674 --> 00:10:22,809
Cloud!
240
00:10:22,810 --> 00:10:24,944
Cloud. Thank you.
241
00:10:24,945 --> 00:10:27,113
What are you doing
in my bathroom?!
242
00:10:27,114 --> 00:10:30,099
Not much yet,
but I have high hopes.
243
00:10:30,951 --> 00:10:33,620
Come on, Charlie,
this is ridiculous.
244
00:10:33,621 --> 00:10:35,104
Oh, I'm sorry.
245
00:10:35,105 --> 00:10:37,323
Am I making you
uncomfortable?
246
00:10:37,324 --> 00:10:39,459
Not enough to make me move in
with Lyndsey.
247
00:10:39,460 --> 00:10:41,077
Okay.
248
00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:52,005
How about now?
249
00:10:54,124 --> 00:10:56,176
♪ Men. ♪
250
00:10:56,177 --> 00:10:57,677
All right, bottom line,
what would it take
251
00:10:57,678 --> 00:10:59,462
to make you want to
move in with Lyndsey?
252
00:10:59,463 --> 00:11:02,182
For the last time, there is
no conceivable circumstance
253
00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:03,766
where I would entertain
leaving Malibu
254
00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:05,101
and moving in with Lyndsey.
255
00:11:05,102 --> 00:11:06,269
(doorbell rings)
256
00:11:06,270 --> 00:11:08,071
Next time you drop the
soap in the shower,
257
00:11:08,072 --> 00:11:10,907
I'm gonna forget
you're my brother.
258
00:11:10,908 --> 00:11:13,660
Jake, your father's here!
259
00:11:13,661 --> 00:11:14,944
Hello, Alan.
260
00:11:14,945 --> 00:11:16,496
Charlie. How's it going?
261
00:11:16,497 --> 00:11:17,497
Great.
262
00:11:17,498 --> 00:11:19,032
Did you hear
Lyndsey MacElroy
263
00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:20,533
invited Alan to
move in with her?
264
00:11:20,534 --> 00:11:21,584
What?
265
00:11:21,585 --> 00:11:22,652
She lives right down the street.
266
00:11:22,653 --> 00:11:24,287
I know. You and Alan
would be neighbors.
267
00:11:24,288 --> 00:11:25,388
Cool, huh?
Now, hang on.
268
00:11:25,389 --> 00:11:27,040
I didn't say I was gonna do it.
269
00:11:27,041 --> 00:11:28,691
You bet your ass
you're not gonna do it.
270
00:11:28,692 --> 00:11:31,177
I will not have my ex-husband
living down the street from me.
271
00:11:31,178 --> 00:11:33,763
So you're saying it would
make you uncomfortable?
272
00:11:33,764 --> 00:11:34,797
Uncomfortable?
273
00:11:34,798 --> 00:11:36,199
It would drive me crazy.
274
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,602
Jake, damn it,
get a move on!
275
00:11:39,603 --> 00:11:41,304
I'm moving in with Lyndsey.
276
00:11:41,305 --> 00:11:43,806
♪ Men. ♪
277
00:11:44,968 --> 00:11:47,470
♪ Men. ♪
278
00:11:48,238 --> 00:11:49,388
How's the pizza?
279
00:11:49,389 --> 00:11:50,489
Awesome.
JAKE:
Great.
280
00:11:50,490 --> 00:11:52,324
It's a new takeout place.
281
00:11:52,325 --> 00:11:53,659
A little more expensive,
282
00:11:53,660 --> 00:11:55,160
but it's worth it.
283
00:11:55,161 --> 00:11:57,663
LYNDSEY:
And for dessert, we have
red velvet cupcakes.
284
00:11:57,664 --> 00:11:59,064
Oh, man, those are my favorite.
285
00:11:59,065 --> 00:12:01,116
Hang on, Eldridge.
286
00:12:02,085 --> 00:12:04,787
Something's wrong here.
287
00:12:06,690 --> 00:12:08,958
Are you sending us
to military school?
288
00:12:08,959 --> 00:12:10,626
No.
289
00:12:10,627 --> 00:12:12,227
Of course not.
Why would you think that?
290
00:12:12,228 --> 00:12:13,345
I don't know.
291
00:12:13,346 --> 00:12:15,130
16 years of bargain
pizza with fake cheese
292
00:12:15,131 --> 00:12:17,516
and Sam's Club vanilla
wafers for dessert?
293
00:12:19,585 --> 00:12:21,520
I don't want to go
to military school.
294
00:12:21,521 --> 00:12:23,522
No one's going
to military school.
295
00:12:23,523 --> 00:12:26,809
But there is, uh, something
we wanted to talk to you about.
296
00:12:26,810 --> 00:12:28,978
Here it comes.
297
00:12:28,979 --> 00:12:30,479
Relax, it's good news.
298
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:31,697
Alan.
299
00:12:31,698 --> 00:12:33,999
All right, uh, as you both know,
300
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,768
uh, Lyndsey and I have been
dating now for six months.
301
00:12:36,769 --> 00:12:39,321
Oh, man, did he
knock you up?
302
00:12:39,322 --> 00:12:40,873
No.
303
00:12:40,874 --> 00:12:42,607
Just be quiet and listen.
304
00:12:42,608 --> 00:12:44,776
Anyway, uh, we've both grown
305
00:12:44,777 --> 00:12:46,779
very fond of each other
during that time.
306
00:12:46,780 --> 00:12:48,881
You are using
protection, right?
307
00:12:48,882 --> 00:12:51,000
That's none of your business,
308
00:12:51,001 --> 00:12:53,218
but I'm glad you're paying
attention in health class.
309
00:12:53,219 --> 00:12:55,454
Uh, but what
I'm trying to say
310
00:12:55,455 --> 00:12:57,723
is that Lyndsey and I
311
00:12:57,724 --> 00:12:58,874
have decided
312
00:12:58,875 --> 00:13:00,092
to live together.
313
00:13:01,978 --> 00:13:03,712
I don't think Uncle Charlie's
gonna like that.
314
00:13:03,713 --> 00:13:06,398
He's never been real pleased
that you and I moved in.
315
00:13:07,267 --> 00:13:08,867
Uh, no, no, no.
316
00:13:08,868 --> 00:13:11,170
We're going to live at
Lyndsey's and Eldridge's house.
317
00:13:11,171 --> 00:13:12,471
But I stay here, right?
318
00:13:12,472 --> 00:13:14,189
No. When you're not
at your mom's,
319
00:13:14,190 --> 00:13:15,324
you'll be with us.
320
00:13:15,325 --> 00:13:17,826
So, I'm losing
my weekend beach house?
321
00:13:17,827 --> 00:13:20,863
Yeah, but you're gaining
a whole family.
322
00:13:20,864 --> 00:13:22,981
I'd rather have
a weekend beach house.
323
00:13:22,982 --> 00:13:25,617
Do I have to share
my bathroom with him?
324
00:13:25,618 --> 00:13:26,785
Eldridge.
325
00:13:26,786 --> 00:13:28,037
What's wrong with sharing
a bathroom with me?
326
00:13:28,038 --> 00:13:29,204
I like my privacy.
327
00:13:29,205 --> 00:13:30,622
Yeah, we all know
what that's about.
328
00:13:30,623 --> 00:13:31,407
Jake!
329
00:13:31,408 --> 00:13:33,208
You're Mr. Whack-a-Mole, not me.
330
00:13:33,209 --> 00:13:35,094
Yeah, well, at least
I don't watch gay porn.
331
00:13:35,095 --> 00:13:37,463
That was a total accident!
332
00:13:37,464 --> 00:13:39,264
I don't want to
live with him.
333
00:13:39,265 --> 00:13:40,699
Well, you don't have to worry
about it, 'cause I'm not going.
334
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:42,418
Guys, guys, come on.
No!
335
00:13:42,419 --> 00:13:43,769
Forget it. I mean,
it's bad enough
336
00:13:43,770 --> 00:13:45,070
you're sleeping
with this loser.
337
00:13:45,071 --> 00:13:45,954
Eldridge!
338
00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:47,156
Are you calling my dad a loser?
339
00:13:47,157 --> 00:13:48,941
You call him a loser
all the time.
340
00:13:48,942 --> 00:13:50,442
He's my dad, I'm allowed.
341
00:13:50,443 --> 00:13:52,928
Uh, well, Jake, technically
you're not allowed.
342
00:13:52,929 --> 00:13:55,013
Is it okay for me to call
your mom what you call her?
343
00:13:55,014 --> 00:13:56,148
What do you call me?
ALAN:
Okay,
344
00:13:56,149 --> 00:13:57,399
we've gotten
off track here.
345
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:58,400
(chuckles)
346
00:13:58,401 --> 00:13:59,952
Uh, who's ready for cupcakes?
347
00:13:59,953 --> 00:14:01,737
Screw you and your cupcakes.
348
00:14:01,738 --> 00:14:02,955
Yeah.
349
00:14:07,693 --> 00:14:09,928
I'll just, uh,
take one for later.
350
00:14:12,031 --> 00:14:14,750
♪ Happy days are here again ♪
351
00:14:14,751 --> 00:14:17,803
♪ The skies above
are clear again ♪
352
00:14:17,804 --> 00:14:21,090
♪ I'm getting rid
of the queer again ♪
353
00:14:21,091 --> 00:14:23,642
♪ Happy days are here again ♪
354
00:14:23,643 --> 00:14:24,426
Hey.
355
00:14:24,427 --> 00:14:26,228
Hey there. Ho there.
356
00:14:26,229 --> 00:14:27,312
What are you doing?
357
00:14:27,313 --> 00:14:28,230
Just thought I'd help you
358
00:14:28,231 --> 00:14:29,481
get a jump on
the packing.
359
00:14:29,482 --> 00:14:30,649
Oh, oh.
360
00:14:30,650 --> 00:14:32,768
Well, you can unpack,
'cause I'm not leaving.
361
00:14:32,769 --> 00:14:33,936
What?
362
00:14:33,937 --> 00:14:35,237
No.
363
00:14:35,238 --> 00:14:37,239
The boys just won't
go along with it.
364
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:39,158
You're giving those two morons
a vote?
365
00:14:39,159 --> 00:14:40,742
It's too traumatic.
366
00:14:40,743 --> 00:14:42,411
You know, turning their lives
upside down.
367
00:14:42,412 --> 00:14:44,496
So? Let them be traumatized.
368
00:14:44,497 --> 00:14:47,449
That's the trouble with kids
these days, not enough trauma.
369
00:14:47,450 --> 00:14:48,834
Charlie, I'm sorry.
370
00:14:48,835 --> 00:14:51,003
I know you were looking forward
to having the house
371
00:14:51,004 --> 00:14:52,955
back to yourself,
but it's just not gonna happen.
372
00:14:52,956 --> 00:14:55,073
Oh, it's gonna happen.
373
00:14:55,074 --> 00:14:58,510
As God is my witness, and by all
that's holy, it's gonna happen.
374
00:14:58,511 --> 00:15:00,412
Amen.
375
00:15:00,413 --> 00:15:02,414
Keep packing.
376
00:15:07,871 --> 00:15:10,756
(sighs)
377
00:15:10,757 --> 00:15:13,275
He couldn't spell
"miscellaneous"?
378
00:15:13,276 --> 00:15:14,610
It's my life and my house.
379
00:15:14,611 --> 00:15:15,694
I don't need your permission.
380
00:15:15,695 --> 00:15:16,812
I don't care!
381
00:15:16,813 --> 00:15:18,280
I'll just go live
with Dad and Stephanie!
382
00:15:18,281 --> 00:15:19,448
Oh, won't that be nice.
383
00:15:19,449 --> 00:15:21,567
You'll be reunited
with your old babysitter.
384
00:15:21,568 --> 00:15:23,268
Excuse us. Walk.
385
00:15:23,269 --> 00:15:24,936
Dude.
Don't "dude" me.
386
00:15:24,937 --> 00:15:27,156
I'm in no mood
for "dude."
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
387
00:15:27,157 --> 00:15:30,108
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
388
00:15:31,911 --> 00:15:32,961
(turns off TV)
389
00:15:32,962 --> 00:15:34,663
Dude.
390
00:15:34,664 --> 00:15:36,615
Don't "dude" him, dude.
391
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:38,634
All right, what's this I hear
392
00:15:38,635 --> 00:15:40,118
about you guys not wanting
to live together?
393
00:15:40,119 --> 00:15:42,471
I want my privacy and...
I like it here.
I mean, come on...
394
00:15:42,472 --> 00:15:43,472
It was a rhetorical question!
395
00:15:43,473 --> 00:15:45,140
I don't give a rat's ass!
396
00:15:46,259 --> 00:15:50,229
Now, the happiness of
your parents is at stake here.
397
00:15:50,230 --> 00:15:52,648
So we're gonna reason
this out like adults,
398
00:15:52,649 --> 00:15:54,316
in the interest of all involved.
399
00:15:55,852 --> 00:15:58,820
Here's $500.
400
00:15:58,821 --> 00:16:00,689
Split it up any way you want.
401
00:16:00,690 --> 00:16:01,940
Nice.
Whoa.
402
00:16:01,941 --> 00:16:03,075
And that's just a down payment.
403
00:16:03,076 --> 00:16:04,443
There's extra hundred in it
for every month
404
00:16:04,444 --> 00:16:05,878
you keep my brother
out of my house.
405
00:16:05,879 --> 00:16:07,663
$100 a month?
406
00:16:07,664 --> 00:16:10,832
That's, like, $1,000 a year.
407
00:16:10,833 --> 00:16:12,584
Almost.
408
00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:15,837
Do we have a deal?
409
00:16:15,838 --> 00:16:17,172
Deal.
Deal.
410
00:16:17,173 --> 00:16:18,457
Great.
411
00:16:18,458 --> 00:16:22,344
I should write a book
on parenting.
412
00:16:24,130 --> 00:16:26,014
How are we supposed
to split this?
413
00:16:26,015 --> 00:16:27,566
I don't know, dude.
414
00:16:27,567 --> 00:16:31,186
No matter how I figure it,
there's gonna be one left over.
415
00:16:31,187 --> 00:16:33,305
♪ Men. ♪
416
00:16:33,306 --> 00:16:36,408
(piano playing
"Hit The Road Jack")
417
00:16:36,409 --> 00:16:39,528
♪ Hit the road, Jack,
and don't you come back ♪
418
00:16:39,529 --> 00:16:42,898
♪ No more, no more,
no more, no more ♪
419
00:16:42,899 --> 00:16:46,568
♪ Hit the road, Jack, and don't
you come back no more. ♪
420
00:16:46,569 --> 00:16:48,120
Okay, we're leaving.
421
00:16:48,121 --> 00:16:49,871
What you say?
422
00:16:49,872 --> 00:16:52,708
I said we're all packed
and we're leaving.
423
00:16:52,709 --> 00:16:54,376
I know, I know.
I heard you.
424
00:16:54,377 --> 00:16:56,578
I just never get
tired of hearing it.
425
00:16:57,413 --> 00:16:59,998
Jake, say good-bye
to your uncle.
426
00:16:59,999 --> 00:17:00,999
Bye.
427
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,368
Bye.
428
00:17:03,369 --> 00:17:05,304
That's it?
After all these years?
429
00:17:05,305 --> 00:17:07,806
Um, I had a good time here.
430
00:17:07,807 --> 00:17:08,807
Who wouldn't?
431
00:17:08,808 --> 00:17:10,225
It's a beach house in Malibu.
432
00:17:10,226 --> 00:17:12,210
That's what I told him.
433
00:17:13,346 --> 00:17:16,231
So I guess I'll see you
at your high school graduation.
434
00:17:16,232 --> 00:17:18,684
(chuckles):
Good one.
435
00:17:18,685 --> 00:17:20,185
I'll meet you
at Lyndsey's.
436
00:17:20,186 --> 00:17:21,436
Drive safe.
437
00:17:21,437 --> 00:17:23,405
(inhales deeply)
438
00:17:23,406 --> 00:17:24,773
Well, here we are.
439
00:17:25,992 --> 00:17:27,609
Final good-bye.
440
00:17:27,610 --> 00:17:30,612
One can only hope.
441
00:17:30,613 --> 00:17:32,781
Come here.
442
00:17:38,204 --> 00:17:39,237
You've been a good brother.
443
00:17:39,238 --> 00:17:40,739
You were here
when I needed you,
444
00:17:40,740 --> 00:17:42,341
and I will be forever
in your debt.
445
00:17:42,342 --> 00:17:45,677
So, it's official,
you're never paying me back.
446
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:50,515
Boy, we had some great times
447
00:17:50,516 --> 00:17:52,050
in this old place.
448
00:17:52,051 --> 00:17:54,586
You're walking
the wrong way, Alan.
449
00:17:54,587 --> 00:17:56,087
(chuckles)
450
00:17:56,088 --> 00:17:58,106
Remember when you set us up
with those two
451
00:17:58,107 --> 00:18:00,976
hot soap opera actresses,
and then we both got the flu?
452
00:18:00,977 --> 00:18:01,977
(laughs)
453
00:18:01,978 --> 00:18:03,312
Soap opera actresses...
454
00:18:03,313 --> 00:18:05,230
(harp plays)
455
00:18:05,231 --> 00:18:06,865
Nope. Doesn't ring a bell.
456
00:18:06,866 --> 00:18:08,099
Drive carefully.
457
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:09,284
Oh, come on.
458
00:18:09,285 --> 00:18:11,536
Um, how about when you found me
handcuffed to my bed
459
00:18:11,537 --> 00:18:14,105
wearing a bustier
and fishnet stockings?
460
00:18:14,106 --> 00:18:16,908
(harp plays)
461
00:18:16,909 --> 00:18:18,910
Sorry. Blanking on that, too.
462
00:18:18,911 --> 00:18:20,796
Well, yeah, but-but you got
to remember when we did the...
463
00:18:20,797 --> 00:18:22,414
Alan, Alan, Alan,
let me save you some trouble.
464
00:18:22,415 --> 00:18:24,616
My past is divided between
things I can't remember
465
00:18:24,617 --> 00:18:26,301
and things I don't want
to remember.
466
00:18:26,302 --> 00:18:28,119
And you're both.
467
00:18:29,955 --> 00:18:30,972
Right.
468
00:18:30,973 --> 00:18:33,141
Then, uh, wish me luck.
469
00:18:33,142 --> 00:18:35,510
You don't need luck.
470
00:18:35,511 --> 00:18:37,312
You guys were meant
for each other.
471
00:18:37,313 --> 00:18:40,482
In fact, let me start you off
on the right foot.
472
00:18:40,483 --> 00:18:41,516
Here's a
hundred bucks.
473
00:18:41,517 --> 00:18:42,818
Stop by the liquor
store on the way
474
00:18:42,819 --> 00:18:43,985
to your new home,
pick up a bottle
475
00:18:43,986 --> 00:18:45,070
of champagne to celebrate
with Lyndsey.
476
00:18:45,071 --> 00:18:47,022
(chuckles):
A hundred bucks?
477
00:18:47,023 --> 00:18:49,808
For that kind of cash,
I could get a very decent bottle
478
00:18:49,809 --> 00:18:52,027
of Chardonnay and still have
some walking around money.
479
00:18:52,028 --> 00:18:53,812
Get the champagne, Alan.
480
00:18:53,813 --> 00:18:56,114
Right. It's your money.
(chuckles)
481
00:18:56,115 --> 00:18:57,082
Exactly.
482
00:18:57,083 --> 00:18:58,983
We end as we began.
483
00:18:58,984 --> 00:19:02,704
All right, so, uh,
I guess I'll call you.
484
00:19:02,705 --> 00:19:03,705
Yeah.
485
00:19:03,706 --> 00:19:05,006
Make sure you leave a message.
486
00:19:05,007 --> 00:19:06,124
(laughs)
487
00:19:06,125 --> 00:19:07,592
See, that's what
I'm gonna miss.
488
00:19:07,593 --> 00:19:10,429
Th-the banter,
the good-natured ribbing, the...
489
00:19:15,334 --> 00:19:17,018
(sighs)
490
00:19:17,854 --> 00:19:21,056
I admit I had my doubts, Lord.
491
00:19:21,057 --> 00:19:25,009
But you have delivered me
unto the promised land.
492
00:19:25,010 --> 00:19:27,846
You're right,
I should change the locks.
493
00:19:29,682 --> 00:19:31,867
That's why you're the Lord.
494
00:19:33,703 --> 00:19:36,204
♪ Men. ♪
495
00:19:36,205 --> 00:19:39,825
Boy, I didn't even realize
they made wine in Oklahoma.
496
00:19:39,826 --> 00:19:41,543
That'll be $8.49.
497
00:19:41,544 --> 00:19:42,878
Mm. Here you are.
498
00:19:42,879 --> 00:19:44,763
That's a hundred-dollar bill.
499
00:19:44,764 --> 00:19:47,716
You owe me $91.51.
500
00:19:50,803 --> 00:19:51,837
Alan?
501
00:19:51,838 --> 00:19:53,605
Melissa?
502
00:19:53,606 --> 00:19:55,140
What a coincidence.
503
00:19:55,141 --> 00:19:56,591
Yeah! How have you been?
504
00:19:56,592 --> 00:19:57,709
Okay. You?
505
00:19:57,710 --> 00:19:59,144
Fine.
(chuckles)
506
00:19:59,145 --> 00:19:59,928
How's Jake?
507
00:19:59,929 --> 00:20:01,596
Oh, uh, he's good.
508
00:20:01,597 --> 00:20:02,314
Charlie?
509
00:20:02,315 --> 00:20:03,932
Ah, same old.
510
00:20:03,933 --> 00:20:05,767
(both laugh)
You look great.
511
00:20:05,768 --> 00:20:07,052
You, too. Gorgeous.
512
00:20:07,053 --> 00:20:08,052
Aw, thanks.
513
00:20:08,053 --> 00:20:09,354
(both chuckle)
514
00:20:09,355 --> 00:20:10,489
I've missed you.
515
00:20:10,490 --> 00:20:12,157
I've missed you, too.
516
00:20:12,158 --> 00:20:13,575
So, seeing anybody?
517
00:20:13,576 --> 00:20:15,410
Nope. You?
518
00:20:16,245 --> 00:20:18,163
No.
519
00:20:24,537 --> 00:20:26,488
♪ Men. ♪
520
00:20:27,478 --> 00:20:28,898
♪ Men. ♪
521
00:20:28,945 --> 00:20:30,478
Must be real important
522
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:33,565
for you to call me out in the
middle of the night like this.
523
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,450
You're doing God's work.
524
00:20:37,019 --> 00:20:38,519
Excuse me, pardon me.
525
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:39,854
Alan?
I'll explain later.
526
00:20:39,855 --> 00:20:40,855
Hey, Charlie.
527
00:20:40,856 --> 00:20:42,374
Hey.
528
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:45,377
Don't worry, I'm still
moving in with Lyndsey.
529
00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:47,412
This will just be
my pied-à-terre.
530
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,918
Uh, that's French
for "love shack."
531
00:20:56,889 --> 00:21:00,892
Okay, that's it.
Let me speak to your supervisor.
532
00:21:00,893 --> 00:21:04,813
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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