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Previously on Two and a Half Men....
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I think you should move in.
3
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You bet your ass
you're not gonna do it.
4
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I'm moving in with Lyndsey.
5
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Alan
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Lyndsey and I
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have decided to live together.
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Well, here we are.
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00:00:14,198 --> 00:00:15,261
Final good-bye.
10
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One can only hope.
11
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Alan?
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Melissa?
13
00:00:19,460 --> 00:00:20,293
I've missed you.
14
00:00:20,294 --> 00:00:21,896
So, seeing anybody?
15
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Nope. You?
16
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No.
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Alan?
I'll explain later.
Hey, Charlie.
18
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Don't worry, I'm still
moving in with Lyndsey.
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This will just be
my pied-à-terre.
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I'm sorry I have to go.
Me, too.
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I mean that you have to go,
not that I have to go.
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Why would I have to go?
I live here.
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Can we do this again?
24
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Again?
25
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Well, maybe you can do it
again, but men are different.
26
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I mean another time.
27
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:50,182
Oh, oh, sure. Why not?
28
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I live here.
29
00:00:51,316 --> 00:00:53,449
Okay. Bye.
30
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Bye.
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-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
32
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All right, I know what
you're going to say.
33
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I don't think you do.
34
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It was wrong.
I'm cheating on Lyndsey.
35
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I'm lying to Melissa...
36
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No, no, no, no, no.
37
00:01:07,566 --> 00:01:10,034
What I was going to say is,
you don't live here.
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You moved out!
Ah...
39
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Not officially.
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I never actually made it
to Lyndsey's house.
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Speaking of which,
I should get going.
42
00:01:17,341 --> 00:01:18,841
Alan, Alan, listen to me.
43
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If you screw this up
with Lyndsey, you're
going wind up back here.
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And you need
to understand something.
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There is no back here.
46
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I got it, got it.
47
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You know,
it was a crazy impulse.
48
00:01:27,315 --> 00:01:29,349
Old girlfriend--
it was a one time thing.
49
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Uh, well, technically
it was a two time thing.
50
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The second one
was in the shower.
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Well, that is where
you've been practicing.
52
00:01:40,194 --> 00:01:41,461
You know,
53
00:01:41,462 --> 00:01:44,596
you have to admit this is a very
curious turn of events.
54
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I mean, seven years ago
I arrived on this very doorstep
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heartbroken and alone.
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And you had chicks
coming out the kazoo.
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(chuckles)
58
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Now look at us.
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The student has become
the master.
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Arrigato, sensei.
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00:02:01,516 --> 00:02:02,482
Ow!
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00:02:02,483 --> 00:02:05,485
You're welcome, grasshopper.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
64
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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
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♪ Two and a Half Men 8x03 ♪
A Pudding-Filled Cactus
Original Air Date on October 4, 2010
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♪ Men. ♪
67
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Lyndsey, you in here?
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LYNDSEY:
What took you so long?
69
00:02:18,737 --> 00:02:20,538
I was getting worried.
70
00:02:20,539 --> 00:02:22,541
Oh, well, saying good-bye
to Charlie turned out
71
00:02:22,542 --> 00:02:24,910
to be tougher than
I thought it was going to be.
72
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He didn't want to see
his baby brother go.
73
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You're kidding.
Nope.
74
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,283
You know, Charlie may
be prickly and crusty
75
00:02:31,284 --> 00:02:33,819
on the outside, but inside,
he's all soft and gooey.
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Kind of like
a pudding-filled cactus.
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00:02:37,957 --> 00:02:40,091
Well, I'm glad
you're back,
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(singsongy): because I have
a moving in present for you.
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Oh, great.
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(whispers): Please don't be sex,
please don't be sex.
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Ta-da!
82
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Oh, boy, sex.
83
00:02:54,239 --> 00:02:56,474
I sent the kids to the movies,
84
00:02:56,475 --> 00:02:58,509
so it's just you and me.
85
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So no interruptions.
86
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Goody.
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Come on, unwrap your present.
88
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All right, um,
but how about, uh,
89
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:08,688
we make this one
about your pleasure?
90
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:09,789
Aren't you in the mood?
91
00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,624
Of course I'm in the mood.
92
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I'm a man.
93
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Men are always in the mood.
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Mmm, sex.
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Shh, shh, shh.
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How about we do
the first one fast,
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and the second one
nice and slow.
98
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Second one...
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Oh, yay.
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♪ Men. ♪
101
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End of an era,
huh, Charlie?
102
00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:35,982
Yep.
103
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From now on,
no brother, no nephew.
104
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Just the sounds of the ocean
105
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punctuated by the soft voices
of prostitutes
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lying about the enormity
of my sexual organ.
107
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You do know how
to paint a picture.
108
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What can I say--
I have the heart of a poet.
109
00:03:53,165 --> 00:03:56,568
Unfortunately, the rest of you
is a drunken scumbag.
110
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Cheers.
111
00:04:02,842 --> 00:04:04,643
Ah.
Ah.
112
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:07,313
ALAN:
Hello?
113
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Don't move, don't breathe.
114
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Charlie? Berta?
115
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Oh, there you are.
116
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Um, listen,
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I know I said it was a one
time thing with Melissa,
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but she called and wanted to see
me and I just couldn't say no.
119
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So she's coming here?
120
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This is where I live.
121
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You know, as far as
she's concerned.
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Could you excuse
me for a minute?
123
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Take your time.
124
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Thank you.
125
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Come, let's talk.
126
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Okay...
Are you insane?!
127
00:04:42,651 --> 00:04:44,285
Have you lost your mind?!
128
00:04:44,286 --> 00:04:45,586
I know, I know it's crazy.
129
00:04:45,587 --> 00:04:46,921
I know my future
is with Lyndsey,
130
00:04:46,922 --> 00:04:48,555
but I have so much chemistry
with Melissa.
131
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You can't keep this up!
132
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Don't I know it.
Last time I was with Melissa,
133
00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,059
I had to fake an orgasm
with Lyndsey.
134
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,260
What?!
135
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:55,796
How does a man
fake an orgasm?
136
00:04:55,797 --> 00:04:57,430
(erotic moaning)
137
00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:58,498
Ah! Ah! Ah...!
138
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,601
I get it. I get it.
I get it.
139
00:05:00,602 --> 00:05:01,835
(yelling)
140
00:05:01,836 --> 00:05:03,904
Please. Please,
I'm begging you.
141
00:05:03,905 --> 00:05:06,473
(doorbell rings)
Oh.
142
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:07,740
Okay, that's Melissa.
143
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,208
No, Alan, this ends now.
144
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:10,609
I swear, last time.
145
00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:11,677
Oh, you got any Viagra?
146
00:05:11,678 --> 00:05:12,679
What?!
147
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,047
Not for now--
148
00:05:14,048 --> 00:05:16,683
for when I go home to Lyndsey,
so I don't to, you know,
149
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:18,084
(yelling)
150
00:05:21,823 --> 00:05:25,026
God, I missed you.
I missed you, too.
151
00:05:25,027 --> 00:05:26,294
Hey, Charlie.
152
00:05:26,295 --> 00:05:27,795
Hey.
153
00:05:29,465 --> 00:05:31,299
I know a guy.
154
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:34,469
Ten grand, you'll never
have to see Zippy again.
155
00:05:34,470 --> 00:05:35,937
Ten grand?
156
00:05:35,938 --> 00:05:40,274
Actually he charges $500,
but there's a finders fee.
157
00:05:40,275 --> 00:05:42,009
♪ Men. ♪
158
00:05:42,010 --> 00:05:44,112
Alan, dinner's
on the table.
159
00:05:44,113 --> 00:05:45,513
Coming.
160
00:05:45,514 --> 00:05:47,949
You're a great cook,
Mrs. MacElroy.
161
00:05:47,950 --> 00:05:50,017
Jake, I told you,
call me Lyndsey.
162
00:05:50,018 --> 00:05:51,018
Yes, ma'am.
163
00:05:51,019 --> 00:05:52,820
You are such a sweetie.
164
00:05:52,821 --> 00:05:54,989
You could learn something
from him.
165
00:05:54,990 --> 00:05:55,957
Suck up.
166
00:05:55,958 --> 00:05:58,526
Suck up with a drumstick.
167
00:05:58,527 --> 00:06:00,962
Hey, I noticed this old pipe
on the mantle. It's a beauty.
168
00:06:00,963 --> 00:06:02,230
Oh, it was my grandfather's.
169
00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:05,432
Oh, wow. They don't make 'em
like this anymore.
170
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:06,701
(as Bing Crosby):
Hello, boys.
171
00:06:06,702 --> 00:06:08,269
How about a little
orange juice with
your dinner?
172
00:06:08,270 --> 00:06:10,537
♪ Ba-ba-ba-bom. ♪
173
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,372
Is he high?
174
00:06:12,373 --> 00:06:13,940
I wish.
175
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,542
I love a man with a pipe.
176
00:06:16,344 --> 00:06:17,811
You should get some tobacco
for it.
177
00:06:17,812 --> 00:06:20,479
Your dad's gonna smoke
a dead guy's pipe.
178
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,281
Yeah, well, at least
he didn't get hair plugs
179
00:06:22,282 --> 00:06:23,982
and ralph on my babysitter
like your dad.
180
00:06:23,983 --> 00:06:25,851
Ow!
181
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:26,952
Ow!
182
00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:28,486
Now boys,
behave yourselves,
183
00:06:28,487 --> 00:06:32,056
or I'll pull out
my ba-ba-ba-belt.
184
00:06:32,057 --> 00:06:34,025
Alan, sit down.
185
00:06:34,026 --> 00:06:35,327
White meat or dark meat?
186
00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:38,230
I'll take a...
♪ Ba-ba-ba-breast. ♪
187
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,699
Is that supposed
to be somebody?
188
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:40,767
(normal voice):
It's Bing Crosby.
189
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,669
Oh.
190
00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:45,639
Who?
191
00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:47,375
Bing Crosby.
The black guy with the sweater.
192
00:06:47,376 --> 00:06:49,010
He used to have a TV show.
193
00:06:49,011 --> 00:06:51,881
That's Will Smith, dumbass.
194
00:06:53,750 --> 00:06:55,117
♪ Men. ♪
195
00:06:55,118 --> 00:06:57,186
(doorbell rings)
196
00:07:03,460 --> 00:07:07,397
Huh. That's weird.
197
00:07:07,398 --> 00:07:09,332
(doorbell rings)
198
00:07:09,333 --> 00:07:12,135
What the hell?
199
00:07:15,707 --> 00:07:17,675
Hey, Charlie.
200
00:07:17,676 --> 00:07:20,143
Oh, boy.
201
00:07:20,144 --> 00:07:23,513
Isn't this nice--
eating together
as a family?
202
00:07:23,514 --> 00:07:25,816
(as Bing Crosby):
It certainly is, Mother.
203
00:07:25,817 --> 00:07:28,452
Maybe afterwards we can gather
around the fireside
204
00:07:28,453 --> 00:07:30,487
and sing a song or two.
205
00:07:31,423 --> 00:07:34,258
Seriously, Alan,
that's not funny anymore.
206
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:36,827
And don't call me "Mother."
207
00:07:36,828 --> 00:07:39,030
(normal voice):
Sorry.
208
00:07:39,031 --> 00:07:40,765
("Up, Up and Away"
ringtone playing)
209
00:07:40,766 --> 00:07:44,669
And in this house, we don't talk
on the phone during dinner.
210
00:07:44,670 --> 00:07:45,903
Oh, right, yeah.
211
00:07:45,904 --> 00:07:49,273
Terrific rule, but, uh,
but I just have to take this.
212
00:07:51,143 --> 00:07:53,845
Hey, Charlie, what's up?
213
00:07:55,114 --> 00:07:57,915
Oh... Oh, she's there now?
214
00:07:57,916 --> 00:08:00,385
Well, what do you want me
to do?
215
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,955
We're all going to die, Charlie.
216
00:08:03,956 --> 00:08:07,525
No, no, no,
don't send her over here!
217
00:08:07,526 --> 00:08:09,227
No, I'll be right there.
218
00:08:09,228 --> 00:08:11,061
Just give me a minute.
219
00:08:15,066 --> 00:08:16,699
Okay, let me tell
you something.
220
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:18,801
This is now
my house, too.
221
00:08:18,802 --> 00:08:21,170
If I want to talk on the phone,
I'm gonna talk on the phone.
222
00:08:21,171 --> 00:08:23,439
What's wrong with you?
Don't you nag me, woman.
223
00:08:24,241 --> 00:08:25,307
Where are you going?
224
00:08:25,308 --> 00:08:28,343
I'm going to take a drive
and cool off...
225
00:08:28,344 --> 00:08:30,145
Mother.
226
00:08:32,982 --> 00:08:35,651
♪ Men. ♪
227
00:08:35,652 --> 00:08:37,619
Here you go.
Thanks.
228
00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:40,122
Doesn't Alan usually come home
right after work?
229
00:08:40,123 --> 00:08:41,190
Usually.
230
00:08:41,191 --> 00:08:42,858
Hope he didn't get
into an accident.
231
00:08:42,859 --> 00:08:44,961
Nah, I'm not that lucky.
232
00:08:44,962 --> 00:08:47,163
How can you say that?
233
00:08:47,164 --> 00:08:48,698
I'm just stating a fact.
234
00:08:49,634 --> 00:08:50,867
Charlie,
I'm home from work.
235
00:08:50,868 --> 00:08:51,835
Melissa?
236
00:08:51,836 --> 00:08:53,270
What the heck.
237
00:08:53,271 --> 00:08:56,673
I wanted to surprise you,
but you were so late,
238
00:08:56,674 --> 00:08:57,708
we started to worry.
239
00:08:57,709 --> 00:09:00,043
She's using the royal "we."
240
00:09:00,878 --> 00:09:02,545
I would have
been home earlier,
241
00:09:02,546 --> 00:09:05,048
but we had, uh,
a situation at the office.
242
00:09:05,049 --> 00:09:06,216
Oh, no.
243
00:09:06,217 --> 00:09:07,984
What happened?
244
00:09:10,087 --> 00:09:14,624
Um, well, I, uh, uh,
lost a patient.
245
00:09:14,625 --> 00:09:16,692
Oh, my God, someone died?
246
00:09:16,693 --> 00:09:17,960
Oh, no, no, no.
247
00:09:17,961 --> 00:09:20,163
Uh, not, you know,
lost like died.
248
00:09:20,164 --> 00:09:23,365
Uh, more like,
uh, uh, misplaced.
249
00:09:23,366 --> 00:09:25,267
Oh, thank goodness.
250
00:09:25,268 --> 00:09:26,869
Yeah.
CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan?
251
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:27,970
Yeah?
252
00:09:27,971 --> 00:09:29,805
I'm just wondering--
253
00:09:29,806 --> 00:09:33,642
how does a chiropractor
misplace a patient?
254
00:09:36,847 --> 00:09:38,314
Good question.
255
00:09:38,315 --> 00:09:39,850
I thought so.
256
00:09:40,719 --> 00:09:44,555
Well, uh, uh,
he's an elderly fellow
257
00:09:44,556 --> 00:09:47,692
who in addition to scoliosis,
258
00:09:47,693 --> 00:09:51,129
uh, also has dementia.
259
00:09:51,130 --> 00:09:54,366
So I-I just spent
the last hour and a half
260
00:09:54,367 --> 00:09:56,301
driving up and down
Ventura Boulevard
261
00:09:56,302 --> 00:09:59,337
looking for a, you know,
shirtless, hunched over
80-year-old man.
262
00:10:00,705 --> 00:10:02,573
Found quite a few.
263
00:10:02,574 --> 00:10:05,942
But none of them were mine.
264
00:10:05,943 --> 00:10:08,044
So he's still out there?
265
00:10:11,015 --> 00:10:12,348
Yeah.
266
00:10:13,484 --> 00:10:15,352
Did you call the police?
267
00:10:17,655 --> 00:10:19,290
Yes, Charlie, I did.
268
00:10:19,291 --> 00:10:21,726
What did they say?
269
00:10:21,727 --> 00:10:25,764
They thanked me for my help,
270
00:10:25,765 --> 00:10:27,332
and, uh, told me to go home
271
00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:28,967
and let them do their job.
272
00:10:28,968 --> 00:10:31,269
So, uh, so here I am-- home.
273
00:10:31,270 --> 00:10:33,271
Better late than never.
274
00:10:33,272 --> 00:10:36,374
Oh, please, you've never
given never a chance.
275
00:10:36,375 --> 00:10:37,575
Do you mind?
276
00:10:37,576 --> 00:10:39,777
Actually I do.
I thought I made that clear.
277
00:10:39,778 --> 00:10:41,011
All right, all right.
278
00:10:41,012 --> 00:10:43,246
Melissa, we can't
do this anymore.
279
00:10:43,247 --> 00:10:45,348
I agree.
You do?
280
00:10:45,349 --> 00:10:48,217
Yes. I think I should
move in here with you.
281
00:10:48,218 --> 00:10:49,251
Here?
282
00:10:49,252 --> 00:10:50,419
Here?
283
00:10:50,420 --> 00:10:53,121
Why don't we talk about it
after we make love.
284
00:10:53,122 --> 00:10:54,589
Uh, okay.
285
00:10:56,660 --> 00:10:58,961
It could work.
286
00:10:58,962 --> 00:11:01,763
♪ Men. ♪
287
00:11:03,457 --> 00:11:04,858
♪ Men. ♪
288
00:11:04,859 --> 00:11:06,059
(both moan)
289
00:11:06,060 --> 00:11:08,127
Okay, I'm just gonna go home
and get some things.
290
00:11:08,128 --> 00:11:09,361
I'll be back
in a little while.
291
00:11:09,362 --> 00:11:11,630
Great.
(chuckles)
292
00:11:16,769 --> 00:11:18,302
That's really getting annoying.
293
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:20,504
Do me a favor,
talk me through this.
294
00:11:20,505 --> 00:11:22,206
Excuse me?
295
00:11:22,207 --> 00:11:23,741
What's your strategy?
296
00:11:23,742 --> 00:11:26,444
'Splain it to me, Lucy!
297
00:11:26,445 --> 00:11:30,315
Okay, admittedly, I may have
overplayed my hand a little.
298
00:11:30,316 --> 00:11:31,650
A little?
299
00:11:31,651 --> 00:11:34,353
You're living with Lyndsey
and you asked Melissa
300
00:11:34,354 --> 00:11:37,090
to move in here!
301
00:11:37,091 --> 00:11:38,691
Yeah, I got to work on that.
302
00:11:38,692 --> 00:11:39,959
So, listen,
303
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,163
when Melissa comes back,
make some sort of excuse. Uh...
304
00:11:43,164 --> 00:11:45,032
Oh, what, you mean like "I was
cruising Ventura Boulevard
305
00:11:45,033 --> 00:11:47,234
for an old,
shirtless hunchback"?
306
00:11:47,235 --> 00:11:49,570
Yeah, not my finest moment.
307
00:11:49,571 --> 00:11:51,338
You're experienced
at that kind of thing.
308
00:11:51,339 --> 00:11:53,374
No, no, I'm experienced
at promiscuity.
309
00:11:53,375 --> 00:11:54,808
This is polygamy.
310
00:11:54,809 --> 00:11:57,744
And frankly, I find it
extremely distasteful.
311
00:11:57,745 --> 00:12:00,381
Oh, oh, this you find
distasteful?
312
00:12:00,382 --> 00:12:03,550
The man who was asked to leave
Bangkok for moral turpitude
313
00:12:03,551 --> 00:12:06,888
finds this distasteful?
314
00:12:06,889 --> 00:12:08,690
That was a
misunderstanding.
315
00:12:08,691 --> 00:12:09,724
Mmm.
316
00:12:09,725 --> 00:12:10,659
I had no idea
317
00:12:10,660 --> 00:12:12,661
it was an
endangered species.
318
00:12:12,662 --> 00:12:15,363
Well, nothing I'm doing
requires a ten-day quarantine
319
00:12:15,364 --> 00:12:17,065
and a series of rabies shots.
320
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:20,035
Oh. Hello.
321
00:12:20,036 --> 00:12:21,937
Oh, Mom, thank
God you're here.
322
00:12:21,938 --> 00:12:24,273
Your sarcasm is unappreciated,
Charlie.
323
00:12:24,274 --> 00:12:26,609
No, no, really. You
got to talk to Alan
324
00:12:26,610 --> 00:12:28,310
and tell him not to screw
up this thing with Lyndsey.
325
00:12:28,311 --> 00:12:30,146
Who's Lyndsey?
My girlfriend.
326
00:12:30,147 --> 00:12:31,680
You have a girlfriend?
327
00:12:31,681 --> 00:12:32,915
He moved in
with her.
328
00:12:32,916 --> 00:12:35,484
You moved in with
a girlfriend?
329
00:12:35,485 --> 00:12:37,553
Yeah, and he's cheating on
her with his ex-girlfriend,
330
00:12:37,554 --> 00:12:39,988
and he invited that
one to move in here.
331
00:12:39,989 --> 00:12:42,157
When were you planning
to tell me all this?
332
00:12:42,825 --> 00:12:43,759
We're telling
you now.
333
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:44,760
So as usual,
334
00:12:44,761 --> 00:12:45,928
I'm the last to know.
335
00:12:45,929 --> 00:12:47,663
Mom, Mom, focus.
336
00:12:47,664 --> 00:12:48,998
He moved out.
337
00:12:48,999 --> 00:12:51,167
After seven years of putting
up with him and his kid,
338
00:12:51,168 --> 00:12:52,135
he finally moved out.
339
00:12:52,136 --> 00:12:53,537
And I need him
to stay out.
340
00:12:53,538 --> 00:12:55,205
So Jake is gone, too?
341
00:12:55,206 --> 00:12:56,974
No one thought to call me.
342
00:12:56,975 --> 00:12:59,710
Okay, as usual,
you're just useless.
343
00:13:01,379 --> 00:13:03,848
Alan, this can't go on
any longer.
344
00:13:03,849 --> 00:13:05,783
You have to choose between
Lyndsey and Melissa,
345
00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:07,217
and you have to choose now.
346
00:13:07,218 --> 00:13:10,153
You're right, you're right.
347
00:13:10,154 --> 00:13:12,689
What to do?
348
00:13:12,690 --> 00:13:14,925
When did he start
smoking a pipe?
349
00:13:14,926 --> 00:13:17,094
I don't know.
This is new.
350
00:13:17,095 --> 00:13:19,029
(cell phone chimes)
That's probably Lyndsey.
351
00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:20,297
Which one
is Lyndsey?
352
00:13:20,298 --> 00:13:21,598
The one he moved in with.
353
00:13:21,599 --> 00:13:22,666
What's wrong
with her?
354
00:13:22,667 --> 00:13:25,035
Single mom, teenage son.
355
00:13:25,036 --> 00:13:26,469
So desperate?
356
00:13:26,470 --> 00:13:29,873
Like a goldfish
in a leaky bag.
357
00:13:29,874 --> 00:13:31,108
Oh, my God.
358
00:13:31,109 --> 00:13:34,678
(chuckles):
Lyndsey is apologizing to me.
359
00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:35,946
Says she was wrong.
360
00:13:35,947 --> 00:13:37,047
About what?
361
00:13:37,048 --> 00:13:39,783
What difference does it make?
362
00:13:39,784 --> 00:13:42,218
I won an argument with a woman.
363
00:13:42,219 --> 00:13:45,421
Which is why
she's the gal for you.
364
00:13:45,422 --> 00:13:46,589
Go to her.
365
00:13:46,590 --> 00:13:48,257
Love her, cherish her.
366
00:13:48,258 --> 00:13:49,758
I don't know.
367
00:13:49,759 --> 00:13:52,528
Okay, then take her for granted
and treat her like crap
368
00:13:52,529 --> 00:13:54,095
until she hangs herself,
but go!
369
00:13:54,096 --> 00:13:56,131
What about Melissa?
370
00:13:56,132 --> 00:13:57,265
You have to break that off.
371
00:13:57,266 --> 00:13:58,399
You're right, you're right.
372
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,568
I have to step up and be a man.
373
00:14:00,569 --> 00:14:01,536
What are you doing?
374
00:14:01,537 --> 00:14:03,337
I'm telling Melissa it's over.
375
00:14:03,338 --> 00:14:06,073
With a text?
376
00:14:06,074 --> 00:14:09,744
Well, I'm putting
a little sad face at the end.
377
00:14:11,447 --> 00:14:16,318
All right, well, uh,
guess it's time to go home
378
00:14:16,319 --> 00:14:17,786
and come clean with Lyndsey.
379
00:14:17,787 --> 00:14:19,422
No, no, no. No coming clean.
380
00:14:19,423 --> 00:14:22,859
Unless you're
banging Mr. Bubble.
381
00:14:24,695 --> 00:14:26,896
But I-I don't want
to build our new life together
382
00:14:26,897 --> 00:14:27,997
on a foundation of lies.
383
00:14:27,998 --> 00:14:29,832
Oh, yes, you do.
384
00:14:30,967 --> 00:14:32,701
Listen to
your mother.
385
00:14:33,970 --> 00:14:35,170
Trust me.
386
00:14:35,171 --> 00:14:38,206
No good ever comes
from revealing an indiscretion.
387
00:14:38,207 --> 00:14:39,507
And you know this how?
388
00:14:39,508 --> 00:14:41,342
I'd rather not say.
389
00:14:41,343 --> 00:14:44,111
Wait, so you're saying
when you were married...
390
00:14:44,112 --> 00:14:47,348
Whoa, whoa, when did everything
become about me?
391
00:14:47,349 --> 00:14:48,916
When we were born.
392
00:14:48,917 --> 00:14:50,618
Hey, don't get me
started on that.
393
00:14:50,619 --> 00:14:53,221
My episiotomy still itches.
394
00:14:56,025 --> 00:15:00,429
My point, Alan, is, it is
not fair to ease your conscience
395
00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:02,765
by dumping your sins
on the woman you love.
396
00:15:02,766 --> 00:15:04,534
Yeah, Alan,
don't be selfish.
397
00:15:04,535 --> 00:15:05,501
(cell phone chimes)
398
00:15:05,502 --> 00:15:08,271
(groans)
What now?
399
00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:09,539
Oh.
400
00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:11,942
Melissa's not taking it well.
401
00:15:11,943 --> 00:15:15,613
"I hate you, you
stupid cork soaker"?
402
00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:18,049
Auto spell check.
403
00:15:18,050 --> 00:15:20,718
Anyway... I got to go.
404
00:15:20,719 --> 00:15:22,387
Bye, Mom.
405
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:26,057
(sighs)
406
00:15:26,058 --> 00:15:28,192
Okay, we dodged a bullet.
407
00:15:28,193 --> 00:15:29,961
Yep. So now
that he's gone,
408
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:32,030
what are you gonna do
with that empty room?
409
00:15:32,031 --> 00:15:34,032
Uh, why do you ask?
410
00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:36,668
I was just thinking, it
might be nice to spend
411
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,936
the occasional weekend
here on the beach.
412
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:44,441
Oh, darling, you
should see your face.
413
00:15:44,442 --> 00:15:46,643
(laughs)
414
00:15:46,644 --> 00:15:49,146
♪ Men. ♪
415
00:15:49,147 --> 00:15:50,780
Hey.
416
00:15:50,781 --> 00:15:52,849
Oh, thank God you're back.
417
00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:54,517
Sorry I stormed
off like that.
418
00:15:54,518 --> 00:15:57,086
No, no, you had every right.
419
00:15:57,087 --> 00:15:59,755
I'm sorry I treated you like you
were some kind of houseguest.
420
00:15:59,756 --> 00:16:01,623
That's okay,
I'm used to it.
421
00:16:01,624 --> 00:16:04,325
Seven years with Charlie,
a dozen years with Judith
422
00:16:04,326 --> 00:16:06,428
and all that time
with my mom.
423
00:16:06,429 --> 00:16:08,896
Well, from now on,
this house is your home.
424
00:16:08,897 --> 00:16:11,032
And if you want to talk
on the phone during dinner,
425
00:16:11,033 --> 00:16:12,568
you just go right ahead
and do it.
426
00:16:12,569 --> 00:16:14,236
Really?
427
00:16:14,237 --> 00:16:16,806
Can I hang my chiropractor of
the year plaque on the wall?
428
00:16:16,807 --> 00:16:17,907
Of course.
429
00:16:17,908 --> 00:16:18,942
In the living room?
430
00:16:18,943 --> 00:16:20,210
Wherever you want.
431
00:16:20,211 --> 00:16:22,546
Charlie made me hang
it in my bathroom.
432
00:16:22,547 --> 00:16:24,115
Well, I'm not Charlie.
433
00:16:24,116 --> 00:16:26,284
And I'm proud you're
chiropractor of the year.
434
00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:29,720
Oh, oh, not this
year, uh, 2002.
435
00:16:29,721 --> 00:16:32,223
After that, they tightened
up the voting rules.
436
00:16:32,224 --> 00:16:36,127
So, uh, what about
acidophilus milk?
437
00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:37,228
What about it?
438
00:16:37,229 --> 00:16:39,231
I like it.
Then we'll get it.
439
00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:41,233
And I can keep it
in the refrigerator?
440
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:42,468
Where else would you keep it?
441
00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:44,236
Charlie made me keep
all my dairy products
442
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,371
in an ice chest
in the garage.
443
00:16:46,372 --> 00:16:47,773
That's terrible.
444
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,808
I lost so much cheese.
445
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:52,644
Oh, honey.
446
00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:54,213
Well, this is your home now.
447
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,649
And you can put your cheese
wherever you want.
448
00:16:56,650 --> 00:16:59,318
Can I sing show
tunes in the shower?
449
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:01,187
Charlie didn't let you
sing show tunes?
450
00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:02,222
No, that was my mother.
451
00:17:02,223 --> 00:17:04,558
Said I was effeminate
enough already.
452
00:17:04,559 --> 00:17:08,195
Well, as far as I'm concerned,
you are all man.
453
00:17:08,196 --> 00:17:09,963
Oh, Lyndsey.
454
00:17:09,964 --> 00:17:11,298
You're too good to me.
455
00:17:11,299 --> 00:17:13,500
Oh, it's only
what you deserve.
456
00:17:13,501 --> 00:17:14,735
(chuckles)
457
00:17:14,736 --> 00:17:17,771
Okay, I-I can't live
with this guilt.
458
00:17:17,772 --> 00:17:19,340
I have to confess
something.
459
00:17:19,341 --> 00:17:20,341
What?
460
00:17:20,342 --> 00:17:21,575
Okay.
461
00:17:21,576 --> 00:17:24,277
Uh, a few days ago, I-I ran
into an ex-girlfriend,
462
00:17:24,278 --> 00:17:26,213
who I had a lot
of chemistry with.
463
00:17:26,214 --> 00:17:27,581
And you had sex with her.
464
00:17:27,582 --> 00:17:29,016
Let me finish.
465
00:17:31,653 --> 00:17:33,154
No.
466
00:17:35,357 --> 00:17:38,226
I-I did not have
sex with her.
467
00:17:38,227 --> 00:17:39,794
Then why do you feel guilty?
468
00:17:39,795 --> 00:17:43,565
Uh, well, after
I ran into her,
469
00:17:43,566 --> 00:17:47,437
I, uh, uh, I-I
found myself,
470
00:17:47,438 --> 00:17:50,974
uh, fantasizing
a-about her.
471
00:17:50,975 --> 00:17:53,243
Fantasizing? That's it?
472
00:17:53,244 --> 00:17:54,445
That's it.
473
00:17:54,446 --> 00:17:56,580
Uh, and nothing crazy,
just straight missionary.
474
00:17:56,581 --> 00:18:00,718
Sweetie, we all fantasize.
475
00:18:00,719 --> 00:18:03,554
Every time I go to the car wash,
I imagine myself
476
00:18:03,555 --> 00:18:06,624
being bent over a soapy BMW
by a man with calloused hands
477
00:18:06,625 --> 00:18:07,792
and no green card.
478
00:18:07,793 --> 00:18:09,027
Really?
479
00:18:09,028 --> 00:18:10,061
Every time?
480
00:18:10,062 --> 00:18:12,497
It's not always a BMW.
481
00:18:12,498 --> 00:18:13,699
Come on, let's go to bed.
482
00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:16,268
(chuckles):
Sí, señorita.
483
00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:17,769
Don't ruin it.
484
00:18:25,846 --> 00:18:28,147
♪ Men. ♪
485
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:30,316
(doorbell rings)
486
00:18:33,888 --> 00:18:36,490
Oh, crap.
487
00:18:40,462 --> 00:18:42,430
Where is he?
I don't know.
488
00:18:42,431 --> 00:18:44,966
I'm gonna give you
one last chance.
489
00:18:44,967 --> 00:18:46,234
Where is he?
490
00:18:46,235 --> 00:18:48,403
I'm sorry.
I don't...
491
00:18:48,404 --> 00:18:50,171
(screams)
492
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:52,507
(gasping)
493
00:18:53,742 --> 00:18:57,011
(groaning)
494
00:18:57,012 --> 00:18:59,580
What's going on?
495
00:18:59,581 --> 00:19:02,482
She kneed me in the nuts.
496
00:19:02,483 --> 00:19:03,850
What'd you do to her?
497
00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,085
Nothing.
498
00:19:05,086 --> 00:19:06,320
What'd he do to you?
499
00:19:06,321 --> 00:19:08,555
He won't tell me
where his brother is.
500
00:19:08,556 --> 00:19:09,522
I can't.
501
00:19:09,523 --> 00:19:10,757
I'm not a rat.
502
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:13,459
What are you going to do
to Alan when you find him?
503
00:19:13,460 --> 00:19:15,428
Oh, same thing I did
to Charlie, but worse.
504
00:19:15,429 --> 00:19:16,596
He's at Lyndsey's.
505
00:19:16,597 --> 00:19:18,998
1182 Bonnie Meadow Drive.
506
00:19:20,267 --> 00:19:22,502
Sherman Oaks, big blue house.
507
00:19:22,503 --> 00:19:24,170
Uh-oh.
508
00:19:24,171 --> 00:19:25,705
(groans)
509
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:28,141
(retching)
510
00:19:29,843 --> 00:19:31,477
I'm sorry, Charlie.
511
00:19:31,478 --> 00:19:34,114
(groaning)
512
00:19:34,115 --> 00:19:36,650
Oh, stop whining.
513
00:19:36,651 --> 00:19:39,386
On some level,
I'm sure you had it coming.
514
00:19:42,258 --> 00:19:43,892
♪ Men. ♪
515
00:19:43,893 --> 00:19:45,393
So I was
thinking of
516
00:19:45,394 --> 00:19:47,595
turning that little
storage room into a den.
517
00:19:47,596 --> 00:19:49,664
You know, kind
of a man cave.
518
00:19:49,665 --> 00:19:51,532
Whatever you want, sweetie.
519
00:19:51,533 --> 00:19:52,767
Really?
Mm-hmm.
520
00:19:52,768 --> 00:19:55,970
So I can get a flat
screen, maybe a wet bar?
521
00:19:55,971 --> 00:19:58,807
If that's what it takes
to make you happy here.
522
00:19:58,808 --> 00:20:01,509
Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.
523
00:20:01,510 --> 00:20:03,178
Enough talking.
524
00:20:03,179 --> 00:20:05,179
Let's make love in our home.
525
00:20:05,180 --> 00:20:07,481
Oh, yes, our home.
526
00:20:07,482 --> 00:20:08,515
(both chuckle)
527
00:20:08,516 --> 00:20:11,151
(both moaning)
528
00:20:12,954 --> 00:20:15,356
Do you smell
something burning?
529
00:20:15,357 --> 00:20:17,591
♪ Men. ♪
530
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,010
Here you go.
531
00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:23,246
Thank you.
532
00:20:23,247 --> 00:20:24,714
How are you feeling?
533
00:20:24,715 --> 00:20:28,519
I think she punched my right nut
up into my rib cage.
534
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:29,954
Poor baby.
535
00:20:29,955 --> 00:20:31,822
You want Mommy
to take a look?
536
00:20:31,823 --> 00:20:33,524
No, thanks.
537
00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:35,759
I have seen them before.
538
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:37,161
I know.
539
00:20:37,162 --> 00:20:40,064
I imagine they're hanging
a lot lower now.
540
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,135
Right back
at ya, Mom.
541
00:20:44,136 --> 00:20:47,505
Touché, darling.
542
00:20:55,780 --> 00:20:59,450
You will never guess
what happened.
543
00:20:59,451 --> 00:21:03,820
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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