1
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Previously on
two and a half men:
Alan?
2
00:00:03,097 --> 00:00:06,573
Lindsey and I have decided to
live together.
3
00:00:07,305 --> 00:00:08,944
End of an era,
huh, Charlie?
4
00:00:09,126 --> 00:00:11,786
From now on,
no brother, no nephew.
5
00:00:12,311 --> 00:00:13,837
Just the sounds of the ocean
6
00:00:14,189 --> 00:00:15,812
punctuated by the soft voices
7
00:00:16,007 --> 00:00:19,210
of prostitutes lying about
the enormity of my sexual organ.
8
00:00:19,304 --> 00:00:21,054
Alan, dinner's
on the table!
9
00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:23,873
Hey, I noticed this
old pipe on the mantel.
10
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It's a beauty.
11
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Oh, it was my grandfather's.
12
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Oh, wow, they don't make 'em
like this anymore.
13
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So now that he's gone,
14
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what are you gonna do
with that empty room?
15
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Uh... why do you ask?
16
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I was just thinking,
it might be nice
17
00:00:35,737 --> 00:00:39,740
to spend the occasional
weekend here on the beach.
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Well, from now on,
this house is your home.
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-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
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Do you smell something burning?
21
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d Men. d
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00:01:02,481 --> 00:01:06,484
Whoo, what a day.
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00:01:06,485 --> 00:01:07,485
Mmm-hmm.
24
00:01:07,486 --> 00:01:10,621
Who could've seen
this one coming?
25
00:01:15,327 --> 00:01:17,962
Oh, please-- after
seven years, you know,
26
00:01:17,963 --> 00:01:19,497
I finally move out
of your house,
27
00:01:19,498 --> 00:01:22,616
and within two days,
I burn my new home down.
28
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You can't write
this stuff.
29
00:01:25,971 --> 00:01:31,559
I could if I used your skin for
paper and your blood for ink.
30
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,094
I just want you to know that as
soon as we get
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00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:35,729
the insurance money and repair
the fire damage,
32
00:01:35,730 --> 00:01:38,349
Lyndsey and the boys and I will
be out of your hair for good.
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00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:40,634
Unless, of course, you burn her
house down again.
34
00:01:40,635 --> 00:01:42,770
Funny.
35
00:01:42,771 --> 00:01:46,607
See? That's what we need at
times like this-- laughter.
36
00:01:50,078 --> 00:01:53,280
I'm gonna take that as laughter!
37
00:01:53,281 --> 00:01:56,149
Trust me, Eldridge is
a great kid,
38
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,918
and you're
gonna love Lyndsey.
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If you can open up
your mind just a little,
40
00:02:00,455 --> 00:02:02,640
you will really enjoy
having them here.
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00:02:02,641 --> 00:02:05,025
Damn it, Eldridge!
Why the hell did you try
42
00:02:05,026 --> 00:02:06,860
to flush a washcloth down
the toilet?!
43
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I'm not enjoying it yet, Alan.
44
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Charlie, you got a mop?
45
00:02:11,349 --> 00:02:12,933
Laundry room.
Thank you.
46
00:02:12,934 --> 00:02:14,018
Need any help, sweetie?
47
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No, but if I need my house
burned down again,
48
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I'll let you know.
49
00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:18,889
See? She is keeping
50
00:02:18,890 --> 00:02:22,009
a sense of humor about it.
51
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You've ruined my entire life,
you know that?
52
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You're right, I like her.
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00:02:26,865 --> 00:02:28,632
We've got a lot in common.
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d Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men d
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d Ah. d
d Men. d
d Men. d
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d Two and a Half Men 8x04 d
Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
Original Air Date on October 11, 2010
57
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d Men. d
58
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What do you want me
to tell you, Chris?
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If you want to see your son,
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00:02:43,142 --> 00:02:44,643
you're gonna have
to come to Malibu.
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Oh, grow up!
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You think I planned
to have the house burn down?
63
00:02:47,980 --> 00:02:48,980
It was an accident!
64
00:02:48,981 --> 00:02:52,150
It was, you know.
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Drop dead!
66
00:02:54,853 --> 00:02:58,373
Whoo, I'd say she's
a little miffed with your dad.
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00:02:58,374 --> 00:03:00,242
I'd say she wants to
tear him a new one.
68
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Hey! watch your language.
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What'd I say?
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New one.
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Mmm, honey, honey,
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uh, just a little heads up,
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um, the boys could
hear you out there.
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00:03:11,387 --> 00:03:13,705
I don't give a rat's ass
what they can hear!
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His father's a jerk and you
burned down my freakin' house!
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Our house.
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Dear God, stop talking.
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Aw, damn!
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Hey, Berta.
80
00:03:31,274 --> 00:03:32,724
Bet you're surprised
to see me back.
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It's my own fault.
I let myself believe.
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Well, I want you to meet
my girlfriend Lyndsey.
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And this is her son Eldridge.
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00:03:39,949 --> 00:03:42,334
And they're gonna be staying
with us for a little while.
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What'd he do, burn down
your house?
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It was an accident!
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Hello, everyone.
88
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I hope you all slept well.
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If there's anything I can do
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00:03:58,584 --> 00:03:59,968
to make your stay here
more comfortable,
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please be sure to tell me.
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00:04:01,187 --> 00:04:03,138
Thank you, Charlie.
That is so...
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00:04:03,139 --> 00:04:04,973
Uh! He doesn't mean it.
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00:04:06,676 --> 00:04:07,559
Hey, Uncle Charlie?
95
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:08,426
Yeah?
96
00:04:08,427 --> 00:04:09,728
You miss me?
97
00:04:14,066 --> 00:04:16,534
He missed me.
98
00:04:18,537 --> 00:04:20,772
d Men. d
99
00:04:21,824 --> 00:04:25,076
Honestly, I don't see why
you can't live here.
100
00:04:26,329 --> 00:04:27,945
You're kidding, right?
101
00:04:27,946 --> 00:04:29,014
There's no roof.
102
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So wear a hat.
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My great grandmother's
candlesticks.
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Oh, Lyndsey, I'm sorry.
105
00:04:37,056 --> 00:04:38,923
She smuggled these
out of Denmark
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00:04:38,924 --> 00:04:40,008
when the Nazis invaded.
107
00:04:40,009 --> 00:04:41,793
Really? Where'd she hide 'em?
108
00:04:41,794 --> 00:04:43,395
Charlie,
don't go there.
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00:04:43,396 --> 00:04:44,962
Oh, like I'm the only one?
110
00:04:44,963 --> 00:04:47,349
Look at the bright side.
111
00:04:47,350 --> 00:04:49,100
Even though we've lost
some material items,
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the important thing is
we're all safe
113
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and we've still got
each other, right.
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You're making
my skin crawl.
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Hey, guys... smile.
116
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It's for your Christmas card.
117
00:05:01,080 --> 00:05:03,948
All my stuff is wrecked.
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00:05:03,949 --> 00:05:04,783
Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
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Sorry isn't gonna bring back
120
00:05:06,202 --> 00:05:07,452
my guitar or my X-Box
121
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or the history paper
that's due tomorrow
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that I totally had finished.
123
00:05:11,540 --> 00:05:12,707
Where's Eldridge?
124
00:05:12,708 --> 00:05:14,809
He's drying out his weed
in the backyard.
125
00:05:14,810 --> 00:05:16,127
Weed?!
126
00:05:16,128 --> 00:05:18,096
Wii.
127
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Nintendo Wii.
128
00:05:19,164 --> 00:05:20,598
I better go help him.
129
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I could use a little
Wii right now.
130
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Is this my Armani jacket?
131
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Oh! Oh, yeah. You know,
132
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I don't know how that got in
with my things.
133
00:05:33,062 --> 00:05:34,312
I was gonna bring it back.
134
00:05:34,313 --> 00:05:35,363
But now that you're here,
135
00:05:35,364 --> 00:05:37,065
why don't you just take it
with you?
136
00:05:37,066 --> 00:05:38,149
Saves me the trip.
137
00:05:38,150 --> 00:05:40,652
You know what? Happy birthday.
138
00:05:42,655 --> 00:05:43,905
Not much of a birthday present.
139
00:05:43,906 --> 00:05:46,023
Ding-dong.
140
00:05:46,024 --> 00:05:47,742
Hi, neighbor.
141
00:05:47,743 --> 00:05:49,160
We saw your cars
out front.
142
00:05:49,161 --> 00:05:50,328
Hey, Judith.
143
00:05:50,329 --> 00:05:51,696
Incredible, huh?
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00:05:51,697 --> 00:05:54,866
Wow, this place is a wreck.
145
00:05:54,867 --> 00:05:57,469
But still livable.
146
00:06:00,005 --> 00:06:01,473
What are you gonna do?
147
00:06:01,474 --> 00:06:03,224
Well, till the place gets
fixed up,
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00:06:03,225 --> 00:06:05,009
we're all staying in Malibu
with Charlie.
149
00:06:05,010 --> 00:06:06,594
Really?
150
00:06:06,595 --> 00:06:07,762
All of you...
151
00:06:07,763 --> 00:06:10,315
at Charlie's?
What are you
smiling about?
152
00:06:10,316 --> 00:06:13,184
You know what
I'm smiling about.
153
00:06:13,185 --> 00:06:15,270
Well, I hope
the repairs go quickly
154
00:06:15,271 --> 00:06:17,272
so we get you back here
real soon.
155
00:06:17,273 --> 00:06:18,556
Thanks. I'm gonna miss
156
00:06:18,557 --> 00:06:20,325
your friendly face
every morning
157
00:06:20,326 --> 00:06:21,559
when I'm getting the paper.
158
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:22,727
Every morning?!
159
00:06:22,728 --> 00:06:24,028
Our schedules synch up
160
00:06:24,029 --> 00:06:25,897
when I'm doing my power walk.
161
00:06:29,401 --> 00:06:30,835
Power walk?
162
00:06:30,836 --> 00:06:32,253
What are you
smiling about?
163
00:06:32,254 --> 00:06:33,788
You know what I'm smiling about.
164
00:06:35,341 --> 00:06:38,242
Hey! My pipe survived!
165
00:06:38,243 --> 00:06:39,911
It's like a miracle.
166
00:06:42,247 --> 00:06:44,883
Filthy habit.
167
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d Men. d
168
00:06:49,622 --> 00:06:53,958
Oh, look, look, look--
The Towering Inferno is on.
169
00:06:58,597 --> 00:07:00,899
No?
170
00:07:02,785 --> 00:07:06,871
Oh! Stephen King's Firestarter.
171
00:07:08,374 --> 00:07:09,991
No?
172
00:07:09,992 --> 00:07:12,510
All right.
173
00:07:14,713 --> 00:07:18,583
How about Blazing Saddles?
174
00:07:22,505 --> 00:07:24,005
Too soon?
175
00:07:24,006 --> 00:07:26,474
You guys are no fun.
176
00:07:26,475 --> 00:07:28,510
I'm gonna call a hooker.
177
00:07:28,511 --> 00:07:31,646
Charlie, there's two
young boys in the house.
178
00:07:31,647 --> 00:07:33,264
Let 'em get their own hookers.
179
00:07:33,265 --> 00:07:35,066
Charlie, for God's sake.
180
00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:36,885
Don't worry.
I'm a responsible uncle.
181
00:07:36,886 --> 00:07:38,186
That's nice to know.
182
00:07:38,187 --> 00:07:40,638
I promise I'll get
a quiet prostitute.
183
00:07:40,639 --> 00:07:41,823
Believe it or not,
184
00:07:41,824 --> 00:07:43,525
that's a real concession
on his part.
185
00:07:43,526 --> 00:07:46,995
Now where is my phone?
186
00:07:46,996 --> 00:07:48,830
Oh, right, I must've left it in
187
00:07:48,831 --> 00:07:54,752
the charred-but-still-very-
livable remains of your house,
188
00:07:54,753 --> 00:07:56,404
which he burned down.
189
00:07:57,623 --> 00:07:59,490
You're gonna go
over there now?
190
00:07:59,491 --> 00:08:01,509
All my hooker numbers
are in that phone.
191
00:08:01,510 --> 00:08:03,177
So unless
you wanna have sex with me
192
00:08:03,178 --> 00:08:05,430
for $1,000 an hour,
I need the phone.
193
00:08:11,670 --> 00:08:14,505
You don't really think he'd
give me $1,000 an hour?
194
00:08:14,506 --> 00:08:17,292
If I were you, I'd get
the money up front.
195
00:08:20,412 --> 00:08:22,647
d Men. d
196
00:08:30,489 --> 00:08:34,525
Ah... there we are.
197
00:08:36,695 --> 00:08:39,664
d A-B-C-D-E-F-G-... d
198
00:08:39,665 --> 00:08:40,965
d H... d
199
00:08:40,966 --> 00:08:43,367
Hookers.
200
00:08:43,368 --> 00:08:47,672
Hookers, hookers, hookers...
201
00:08:48,757 --> 00:08:51,893
Lookin' for a quiet hooker.
202
00:08:51,894 --> 00:08:55,179
Ah, there we go: "Silent Betty""
203
00:08:56,799 --> 00:08:59,183
Not a lot
of coverage in here.
204
00:09:00,319 --> 00:09:01,486
Who the hell are you?
205
00:09:01,487 --> 00:09:02,854
Who the hell are you?
206
00:09:02,855 --> 00:09:06,107
You're right, let's just stay
mysterious strangers.
207
00:09:06,108 --> 00:09:08,192
This used to be my house,
you know.
208
00:09:10,145 --> 00:09:11,913
You the ex-husband?
209
00:09:11,914 --> 00:09:13,314
Chris MacElroy.
210
00:09:13,315 --> 00:09:14,332
Charlie Harper.
211
00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:16,751
Alan's brother.
212
00:09:16,752 --> 00:09:19,454
I don't usually
admit it, but yeah.
213
00:09:19,455 --> 00:09:21,789
What are you doing here, Chris?
214
00:09:21,790 --> 00:09:24,892
I wanted to see
what the damage was
215
00:09:24,893 --> 00:09:26,094
and just, you know, sit here.
216
00:09:26,095 --> 00:09:29,580
Try and figure out where
it all went wrong.
217
00:09:29,581 --> 00:09:31,299
What'd you come up with?
218
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:35,219
I probably shouldn't have banged
the babysitter.
219
00:09:35,220 --> 00:09:37,755
Yeah, that can do it.
220
00:09:39,108 --> 00:09:40,892
I did a babysitter once.
221
00:09:40,893 --> 00:09:43,427
My mom was furious.
222
00:09:44,947 --> 00:09:47,598
Wouldn't drive her home and
absolutely refused to pay her.
223
00:09:47,599 --> 00:09:49,817
Want a drink?
224
00:09:49,818 --> 00:09:52,153
Sure, why not?
225
00:09:53,939 --> 00:09:55,239
To babysitters.
226
00:09:59,111 --> 00:10:01,278
Is this a private party
or can anyone join?
227
00:10:01,279 --> 00:10:03,715
Hey, Herb!
Come on in.
228
00:10:03,716 --> 00:10:06,283
Hey, Chris,
long time no see.
229
00:10:06,284 --> 00:10:08,586
Likewise.
Grab a seat, have a drink.
230
00:10:08,587 --> 00:10:10,338
Oh, gee, I don't know.
231
00:10:10,339 --> 00:10:12,790
I told Judith I was
taking out the garbage.
232
00:10:13,976 --> 00:10:16,894
What the heck. I didn't say
where I was taking it.
233
00:10:20,649 --> 00:10:22,266
So you two guys
know each other?
234
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:23,351
Oh, you kidding?
235
00:10:23,352 --> 00:10:25,319
Chris is a legend in
this neighborhood.
236
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,372
What was she, like, 19?
237
00:10:27,373 --> 00:10:28,406
Twenty-two.
238
00:10:28,407 --> 00:10:30,575
Nevertheless, quite
an accomplishment.
239
00:10:32,978 --> 00:10:34,829
Hey, is she still
babysitting?
240
00:10:35,698 --> 00:10:37,115
'Cause we're looking
for somebody,
241
00:10:37,116 --> 00:10:39,283
and everybody Judith
interviews is fat and ugly.
242
00:10:39,284 --> 00:10:42,520
Take it from me, Herb, you're
better off with fat and ugly.
243
00:10:42,521 --> 00:10:45,373
Oh, I hardly think so.
244
00:10:45,374 --> 00:10:47,625
You'd really be willing
245
00:10:47,626 --> 00:10:49,727
to risk your marriage over
a cute young babysitter?
246
00:10:49,728 --> 00:10:53,381
I certainly wouldn't risk it
over a fat ugly one.
247
00:10:53,382 --> 00:10:56,333
Can't argue with that.
248
00:10:56,334 --> 00:10:58,102
d Men. d
249
00:11:00,532 --> 00:11:02,333
d Men. d
250
00:11:02,334 --> 00:11:03,818
I made us a snacky snack.
251
00:11:03,819 --> 00:11:05,336
Swell.
252
00:11:05,337 --> 00:11:08,206
We have onion dip
and cool ranch.
253
00:11:08,207 --> 00:11:09,991
Always good to have
a choice of dips.
254
00:11:09,992 --> 00:11:12,010
And I chose you.
255
00:11:14,046 --> 00:11:16,264
Zing!
256
00:11:18,851 --> 00:11:20,101
What are you doing?
257
00:11:20,102 --> 00:11:22,303
Just gettin' comfy.
258
00:11:22,304 --> 00:11:24,806
Snugglin' up on
the world's best pillow.
259
00:11:24,807 --> 00:11:27,976
Mmm!
260
00:11:35,150 --> 00:11:37,118
Whoa.
That was an accident, right?
261
00:11:37,119 --> 00:11:40,722
Sure...
262
00:11:40,723 --> 00:11:42,874
let's call it an accident.
263
00:11:43,876 --> 00:11:45,960
Hey, can you take me back
to Mom's?
Why?
264
00:11:45,961 --> 00:11:47,328
Eldridge is being a tool.
265
00:11:47,329 --> 00:11:49,964
Whoa!
266
00:11:49,965 --> 00:11:50,999
Dad!
267
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:52,583
It wasn't me, it was...
268
00:11:53,635 --> 00:11:56,203
Yeah, I'll take you
back to your mom's.
269
00:11:56,204 --> 00:11:57,221
Hey, Alan?
270
00:11:57,222 --> 00:11:58,222
What?
271
00:11:58,223 --> 00:12:00,541
Try not to burn down her house.
272
00:12:00,542 --> 00:12:01,843
Yeah, ha-ha.
273
00:12:01,844 --> 00:12:05,146
You might want to light some
matches while I'm gone.
274
00:12:07,866 --> 00:12:09,934
d Men. d
275
00:12:09,935 --> 00:12:11,736
So, Chris, what're you
up to these days?
276
00:12:11,737 --> 00:12:13,988
Not a lot.
After Lyndsey threw me out,
277
00:12:13,989 --> 00:12:15,940
I lost my job,
started drinking heavily
278
00:12:15,941 --> 00:12:18,443
and I just found out
I have a lump on my groin.
279
00:12:18,444 --> 00:12:21,412
Bad place
for a lump.
280
00:12:21,413 --> 00:12:22,697
Tell me a good place.
281
00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:25,333
Somebody else's groin.
282
00:12:29,038 --> 00:12:30,788
Touché.
283
00:12:32,541 --> 00:12:33,658
Boy, you make one mistake
284
00:12:33,659 --> 00:12:35,743
and you pay for it for the rest
of your life.
285
00:12:35,744 --> 00:12:37,512
You only did
the babysitter once?
286
00:12:37,513 --> 00:12:40,515
Oh, no, that was two years,
morning, noon and night,
287
00:12:40,516 --> 00:12:42,850
but I count it as one mistake.
288
00:12:43,719 --> 00:12:47,421
Maybe that's where
he got the lump.
289
00:12:48,657 --> 00:12:50,591
Did somebody order a pizza?
290
00:12:50,592 --> 00:12:53,895
Hey, it's my favorite pizza boy!
291
00:12:53,896 --> 00:12:55,646
I'm 38 years old, Mr. Harper.
292
00:12:55,647 --> 00:12:57,515
I have high blood pressure
and alimony payments.
293
00:12:57,516 --> 00:12:59,117
You got a lump on your groin?
No.
294
00:12:59,118 --> 00:13:00,601
Then don't complain.
295
00:13:02,121 --> 00:13:03,871
So what are
you people doing here?
296
00:13:03,872 --> 00:13:06,741
Having a lonely drink in memory
of our hopes and dreams
297
00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:08,326
that are now dead and buried.
298
00:13:08,327 --> 00:13:11,112
Oh.
299
00:13:11,113 --> 00:13:12,413
I'm in.
300
00:13:13,966 --> 00:13:16,250
d Men. d
301
00:13:16,251 --> 00:13:18,219
If it's all the
same to you,
302
00:13:18,220 --> 00:13:20,421
I'm gonna stay with
Mom for a little while.
303
00:13:20,422 --> 00:13:21,622
Come on, Jake,
304
00:13:21,623 --> 00:13:23,341
I know it's been
a little rocky lately,
305
00:13:23,342 --> 00:13:24,308
but things'll work out.
306
00:13:24,309 --> 00:13:27,478
Yeah, well, when
they do, call me.
307
00:13:27,479 --> 00:13:29,897
Hey, Mom.
What are you doing here?
308
00:13:29,898 --> 00:13:31,265
What is he he doing here?
309
00:13:31,266 --> 00:13:33,301
He wasn't getting along
with Lyndsey's son.
310
00:13:33,302 --> 00:13:34,368
Maybe that's because
311
00:13:34,369 --> 00:13:36,487
Lyndsey's son is
a degenerate pothead.
312
00:13:36,488 --> 00:13:37,855
He's not so bad.
313
00:13:37,856 --> 00:13:39,223
He just made some
bad choices.
314
00:13:39,224 --> 00:13:41,576
So did his mom.
315
00:13:43,412 --> 00:13:46,864
Yeah, well, you made
the same bad choice she did!
316
00:13:46,865 --> 00:13:49,066
Ha-ha!
317
00:13:55,490 --> 00:13:57,792
So Alan's, like, I don't know,
five, six years old,
318
00:13:57,793 --> 00:14:01,262
and I walk in his bedroom
and he's in there with the dog,
319
00:14:01,263 --> 00:14:03,548
and I start yelling,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no!
320
00:14:03,549 --> 00:14:04,599
Are you crazy?!
Stop that!"
321
00:14:04,600 --> 00:14:06,167
Looks up at me
and says "What?"
322
00:14:06,168 --> 00:14:08,269
I say, "Alan,
the dog is supposed
323
00:14:08,270 --> 00:14:10,004
to lick the peanut butter
off you."
324
00:14:13,942 --> 00:14:17,278
To this day,
I can't eat peanut butter.
325
00:14:17,279 --> 00:14:18,696
Hello?
326
00:14:18,697 --> 00:14:21,616
Hey, we were
just talking about you.
327
00:14:21,617 --> 00:14:23,568
All good, I hope.
328
00:14:23,569 --> 00:14:25,119
Oh, yeah, it was good.
329
00:14:26,905 --> 00:14:27,822
So, what's going on?
330
00:14:27,823 --> 00:14:28,956
Just having a drink
331
00:14:28,957 --> 00:14:30,408
with a few friends.
332
00:14:30,409 --> 00:14:32,160
Chris, I believe you know
my brother.
333
00:14:32,161 --> 00:14:34,862
The man who's banging your wife
and burned down your house.
334
00:14:35,497 --> 00:14:36,681
Hi.
335
00:14:38,167 --> 00:14:40,468
Pull up a chair.
Have a drink
336
00:14:40,469 --> 00:14:43,087
with your girlfriend's ex
and your wife's new husband.
337
00:14:44,539 --> 00:14:46,140
I just brought the pizza.
338
00:14:46,141 --> 00:14:48,509
I don't think I've slept
with anyone you know.
339
00:14:50,145 --> 00:14:51,762
Okay.
340
00:14:53,098 --> 00:14:55,049
Hey, you know
what I just realized?
341
00:14:55,050 --> 00:14:58,219
You three guys have
all slept with each other.
342
00:14:58,220 --> 00:15:00,404
What?
What?
With all due respect, Charlie,
343
00:15:00,405 --> 00:15:01,906
I think I'd remember that.
344
00:15:01,907 --> 00:15:04,575
No, no, think about it.
345
00:15:04,576 --> 00:15:07,228
They say that when you have sex
with someone,
346
00:15:07,229 --> 00:15:08,796
you're basically having sex
with everyone
347
00:15:08,797 --> 00:15:10,214
they've ever had sex with.
348
00:15:10,215 --> 00:15:14,068
Oh. I guess you and I have done
the dirty deed.
349
00:15:15,437 --> 00:15:18,456
Because of Judith,
not the peanut butter dog.
350
00:15:22,311 --> 00:15:23,844
You told them?!
351
00:15:23,845 --> 00:15:25,479
I tell everybody.
352
00:15:27,549 --> 00:15:28,549
Wait.
353
00:15:28,550 --> 00:15:31,085
So Herb has slept with Alan,
354
00:15:31,086 --> 00:15:33,588
and Alan has slept with Chris,
which means that...
355
00:15:33,589 --> 00:15:35,356
I've slept with Lyndsey!
356
00:15:35,357 --> 00:15:38,009
Yes!
357
00:15:39,478 --> 00:15:42,029
d Men. d
358
00:15:50,405 --> 00:15:52,206
Hello?
359
00:15:52,207 --> 00:15:55,026
How could you sleep with Herb?
360
00:15:55,027 --> 00:15:56,627
Alan, is that you?
361
00:15:56,628 --> 00:15:58,162
Who's Herb? Where are you?
362
00:15:58,163 --> 00:15:59,947
I'm in our house.
363
00:15:59,948 --> 00:16:01,332
What are you doing there?
364
00:16:01,333 --> 00:16:02,750
Because there's nowhere else
365
00:16:02,751 --> 00:16:05,036
for me to go
'cause you won't forgive me.
366
00:16:05,037 --> 00:16:07,004
Why won't you forgive me?
367
00:16:07,005 --> 00:16:08,556
You're drunk.
368
00:16:08,557 --> 00:16:11,559
Yeah, well, you farted at me.
369
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,261
Good-bye, Alan.
370
00:16:14,396 --> 00:16:15,646
Where's Jake?
371
00:16:15,647 --> 00:16:18,966
He left hours ago,
to get away from you.
372
00:16:18,967 --> 00:16:19,900
Where's Alan?
373
00:16:19,901 --> 00:16:22,069
He left to get away
from me.
374
00:16:22,070 --> 00:16:24,939
Where's what's-his-name?
375
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:26,524
The guy who owns
the house?
376
00:16:26,525 --> 00:16:30,361
He left to get away
from all of us.
377
00:16:31,980 --> 00:16:35,866
Hey, this is working out
pretty good, huh?
378
00:16:35,867 --> 00:16:39,787
You know,
I envy you guys.
379
00:16:39,788 --> 00:16:42,423
You've all been married,
have kids.
380
00:16:42,424 --> 00:16:44,542
Yeah, it didn't
end well,
381
00:16:44,543 --> 00:16:48,062
but for a moment in time, each
and every one of you experienced
382
00:16:48,063 --> 00:16:50,181
what it is to have a family,
383
00:16:50,182 --> 00:16:53,918
to give and receive
unconditional love.
384
00:16:53,919 --> 00:16:55,586
My marriage isn't over.
385
00:16:55,587 --> 00:16:58,322
Dude, you've been taking out
the garbage
386
00:16:58,323 --> 00:17:00,625
for two-and-a-half hours.
387
00:17:02,494 --> 00:17:06,113
I said it wasn't over,
I didn't say it was good.
388
00:17:07,566 --> 00:17:09,934
Really, Charlie,
you envy us?
389
00:17:09,935 --> 00:17:11,702
Oh, come on, look at me.
390
00:17:11,703 --> 00:17:12,953
What do I have?
391
00:17:12,954 --> 00:17:14,905
A big house on the beach,
392
00:17:14,906 --> 00:17:18,209
more money than I know
what to do with...
393
00:17:18,210 --> 00:17:22,496
and a cell phone full
of candid video of me
394
00:17:22,497 --> 00:17:24,682
having uninhibited sex with
beautiful women
395
00:17:24,683 --> 00:17:27,368
whose names I don't remember.
396
00:17:31,123 --> 00:17:34,809
I don't think
he envies us at all.
397
00:17:34,810 --> 00:17:38,012
Good catch, Herb.
398
00:17:38,013 --> 00:17:39,546
I gotta go pee.
399
00:17:39,547 --> 00:17:41,766
Oh, uh, bathroom's
right back there.
400
00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:44,385
I know where it is!
I used to live here.
401
00:17:44,386 --> 00:17:46,320
Right, right.
402
00:17:46,321 --> 00:17:48,189
That's a classy guy.
403
00:17:48,190 --> 00:17:51,725
Using the toilet in a house
with no plumbing.
404
00:17:51,726 --> 00:17:53,511
Where have you been going?
405
00:17:53,512 --> 00:17:55,162
Refrigerator.
406
00:17:56,598 --> 00:17:58,499
I filled the vegetable crisper.
407
00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:02,002
See? That's what I love
about you, Charlie.
408
00:18:02,003 --> 00:18:03,437
You're a maverick.
409
00:18:03,438 --> 00:18:07,241
I gotta start being
more mavericky-ky.
410
00:18:07,242 --> 00:18:10,177
Herb, where the
hell are you?!
411
00:18:10,178 --> 00:18:12,012
Maybe tomorrow.
412
00:18:13,682 --> 00:18:16,750
Hey, Lyndsey,
you'll never guess
413
00:18:16,751 --> 00:18:19,553
what we figured out
about you and me.
414
00:18:19,554 --> 00:18:21,755
Herb!
See ya soon.
415
00:18:22,974 --> 00:18:25,092
Alan, let's go home.
416
00:18:25,093 --> 00:18:27,428
You came to get me?
417
00:18:27,429 --> 00:18:28,446
Yeah.
418
00:18:28,447 --> 00:18:29,430
You forgive me?
419
00:18:29,431 --> 00:18:32,366
Well, I thought
about it and...
420
00:18:32,367 --> 00:18:33,434
Hey, Lyndsey.
421
00:18:33,435 --> 00:18:34,535
Chris.
422
00:18:34,536 --> 00:18:35,820
What are you doing here?
423
00:18:35,821 --> 00:18:38,656
Well, I came
to see the damage
424
00:18:38,657 --> 00:18:41,041
and I just started
thinking about us;
425
00:18:41,042 --> 00:18:42,743
what an idiot I was.
426
00:18:42,744 --> 00:18:44,745
You were, you know?
427
00:18:44,746 --> 00:18:47,081
I'd give anything to start over.
428
00:18:47,082 --> 00:18:48,632
Really?
429
00:18:48,633 --> 00:18:52,636
Uh, excuse me, but weren't you
about to forgive me?
430
00:18:52,637 --> 00:18:54,004
Can we go out someplace
431
00:18:54,005 --> 00:18:56,140
and have a cup of coffee
and maybe,
432
00:18:56,141 --> 00:18:57,641
I don't know, just talk?
433
00:18:57,642 --> 00:19:00,811
Babysitter.
434
00:19:02,431 --> 00:19:04,765
Well, I guess
435
00:19:04,766 --> 00:19:06,233
there's nothing
wrong with talking.
436
00:19:06,234 --> 00:19:07,601
That's great.
437
00:19:07,602 --> 00:19:10,154
I can't tell you how much
I've missed you and Eldridge.
438
00:19:10,155 --> 00:19:12,440
He really needs
a father, Chris.
439
00:19:12,441 --> 00:19:15,276
Uh, so I'll see you back
at the house, right?
440
00:19:17,696 --> 00:19:21,015
She left her kid there;
she's gotta come back.
441
00:19:21,016 --> 00:19:23,317
Would you come back
for that kid?
442
00:19:24,953 --> 00:19:27,588
She's never coming back.
443
00:19:30,342 --> 00:19:32,659
d Men. d
444
00:19:34,967 --> 00:19:36,300
d Men. d
445
00:19:37,653 --> 00:19:39,938
You know who you
remind me of, Alan?
446
00:19:39,939 --> 00:19:41,523
Job.
447
00:19:41,524 --> 00:19:42,824
Job from the Bible?
448
00:19:42,825 --> 00:19:45,243
How many Jobs you know?
449
00:19:45,244 --> 00:19:48,330
Job-- the guy God punishes
just for laughs.
450
00:19:48,331 --> 00:19:51,032
Mm! God punishes Job
to test his faith.
451
00:19:51,033 --> 00:19:52,867
Still funny.
452
00:19:54,737 --> 00:19:56,087
What time is it?
453
00:19:56,088 --> 00:19:57,589
A little after midnight.
454
00:19:59,408 --> 00:20:01,409
So much for that
30-minute guarantee.
455
00:20:01,410 --> 00:20:03,578
Good night, fellas.
456
00:20:03,579 --> 00:20:04,746
Good night, Gordon.
457
00:20:04,747 --> 00:20:06,014
Night, Gordon.
458
00:20:07,750 --> 00:20:11,136
So...
459
00:20:11,137 --> 00:20:13,288
Guess it's just
you and me, huh?
460
00:20:13,289 --> 00:20:16,258
Two guys sitting alone
in a burned-out house.
461
00:20:19,061 --> 00:20:21,563
Hey!
462
00:20:21,564 --> 00:20:23,264
Silent Betty! You made it!
463
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:25,900
See ya, Alan.
464
00:20:28,771 --> 00:20:32,940
Well, sure,
half and half sounds good.
465
00:20:39,348 --> 00:20:41,283
Huh.
466
00:20:41,284 --> 00:20:43,068
Maybe I am like Job.
467
00:20:46,389 --> 00:20:49,724
But I am not
gonna lose my faith!
468
00:20:59,151 --> 00:21:00,568
Aw, crap.
469
00:21:00,569 --> 00:21:04,037
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
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00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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