1
00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:01,900
♪ men. ♪
2
00:00:02,687 --> 00:00:04,008
Swordfish looks good.
3
00:00:04,132 --> 00:00:05,264
You eat a lot of fish.
4
00:00:05,364 --> 00:00:06,564
Aren't you worried
about mercury?
5
00:00:06,747 --> 00:00:09,647
Michelle, on the list of things
I expect to kill me
6
00:00:09,729 --> 00:00:12,002
mercury poisoning ranks
well below liver failure,
7
00:00:12,406 --> 00:00:14,270
struck by lightning and
heart attack during sex.
8
00:00:15,539 --> 00:00:17,773
Guess which one I'm rooting for.
9
00:00:17,774 --> 00:00:19,642
Charles?
10
00:00:20,510 --> 00:00:23,029
Speaking of things
I expect to kill me.
11
00:00:23,030 --> 00:00:25,815
What a lovely surprise.
12
00:00:25,816 --> 00:00:27,850
Michelle, this is
my mother Evelyn.
Mom, Michelle.
13
00:00:27,851 --> 00:00:30,119
Evelyn, it's a pleasure.
You have a wonderful son.
14
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:31,287
Yes, I do.
15
00:00:31,288 --> 00:00:34,023
But Charlie and Alan
must never learn of him.
16
00:00:34,891 --> 00:00:37,393
Before she kills,
she likes to torture.
17
00:00:38,395 --> 00:00:40,429
So, how did you two meet?
18
00:00:40,430 --> 00:00:42,632
Charlie asked me to look
at a little thing on his butt.
19
00:00:42,633 --> 00:00:44,100
Oh, smooth, Charlie.
20
00:00:44,101 --> 00:00:46,068
She's a dermatologist, Mom.
21
00:00:46,069 --> 00:00:48,604
Oh, a doctor?
22
00:00:48,605 --> 00:00:50,740
So you have access to Charlie's
medical records
23
00:00:50,741 --> 00:00:52,208
and still went out with him.
24
00:00:52,209 --> 00:00:55,611
Okay, nice to see you, Mom.
I don't want to keep you
25
00:00:55,612 --> 00:00:57,413
from whatever poor schmuck
you're here to meet.
26
00:00:57,414 --> 00:01:00,066
Sorry I'm late, Mom.
27
00:01:00,067 --> 00:01:02,952
How about that?
The poorest schmuck I know.
28
00:01:03,887 --> 00:01:05,788
Michelle, this is
my brother Alan.
29
00:01:05,789 --> 00:01:06,622
Alan, Michelle.
Hi.
30
00:01:06,623 --> 00:01:07,823
Nice to meet you.
31
00:01:07,824 --> 00:01:09,759
Would you like to join us?
32
00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:11,077
Sure.
33
00:01:11,078 --> 00:01:12,244
How sweet.
34
00:01:12,245 --> 00:01:13,262
Uh... waiter?
35
00:01:13,263 --> 00:01:15,965
I thought you liked me.
36
00:01:17,801 --> 00:01:20,636
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
37
00:01:20,637 --> 00:01:23,939
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
38
00:01:23,940 --> 00:01:27,259
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
39
00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:29,312
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... ♪
40
00:01:29,313 --> 00:01:32,014
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
41
00:01:32,015 --> 00:01:35,067
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
42
00:01:35,068 --> 00:01:38,988
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
43
00:01:39,188 --> 00:01:42,188
♪ Two and a Half Men 8x07 ♪
The Crazy Bitch Gazette
Original Air Date on November 1, 2010
44
00:01:42,388 --> 00:01:45,188
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
45
00:01:45,201 --> 00:01:47,036
♪ Men. ♪
46
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:50,168
Well, this is
very pleasant.
47
00:01:50,169 --> 00:01:52,737
The last time I met one of
Charlie's girlfriends,
48
00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:56,725
I was picking glitter off
my skin for a week.
49
00:01:56,726 --> 00:01:58,310
Oh, right, the 22-year-old
pole dancer.
50
00:01:58,311 --> 00:01:59,945
(grunts)
51
00:01:59,946 --> 00:02:02,280
Oh, don't get
the wrong idea.
52
00:02:02,281 --> 00:02:04,682
I mean, not every woman Charlie
dates is a stripper.
53
00:02:04,683 --> 00:02:05,984
I can't imagine
54
00:02:05,985 --> 00:02:07,919
you stripping,
for example.
55
00:02:09,455 --> 00:02:11,756
I mean,
I can imagine it.
56
00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:13,258
(growls)
57
00:02:20,216 --> 00:02:21,933
So what's the occasion
for you two?
58
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:22,968
No occasion.
59
00:02:22,969 --> 00:02:25,086
Can't a son invite
his mom to lunch?
60
00:02:25,087 --> 00:02:27,239
He needs money.
61
00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,908
No, no. But if you're lookin'
to give some away
62
00:02:29,909 --> 00:02:31,176
I'm not gonna
turn it down.
63
00:02:31,177 --> 00:02:33,445
You're a dermatologist.
64
00:02:33,446 --> 00:02:36,815
How do I get rid
of a 170-pound skin tag?
65
00:02:36,816 --> 00:02:40,085
Excuse me, 164.
66
00:02:40,086 --> 00:02:42,854
Really? That's the
part you object to?
67
00:02:42,855 --> 00:02:45,257
Would you like to be called
a 200-pound drunk?
68
00:02:45,258 --> 00:02:47,058
180.
See?
69
00:02:47,059 --> 00:02:49,611
Yeah, well, better a lush
than a leech.
70
00:02:49,612 --> 00:02:51,229
At least a leech
doesn't miss
71
00:02:51,230 --> 00:02:52,998
his mother's birthday
in a drunken blackout.
72
00:02:52,999 --> 00:02:54,666
Yes, but when the lush wakes up,
73
00:02:54,667 --> 00:02:57,135
he can buy her a nice gift
with his own money.
74
00:02:57,136 --> 00:02:59,287
He can, but he doesn't.
75
00:02:59,288 --> 00:03:00,455
He doesn't because
76
00:03:00,456 --> 00:03:02,090
you wouldn't appreciate
it anyway.
77
00:03:02,091 --> 00:03:03,842
Let's not start with
appreciation.
78
00:03:03,843 --> 00:03:05,210
Did I ever get a thank you
79
00:03:05,211 --> 00:03:08,296
for bearing you
and raising you
all by myself?
80
00:03:08,297 --> 00:03:10,465
Thank you, Mommy.
81
00:03:10,466 --> 00:03:12,100
Give it a rest.
82
00:03:12,101 --> 00:03:13,151
I'll write you a check.
83
00:03:13,152 --> 00:03:14,886
Thank you, Mommy.
84
00:03:14,887 --> 00:03:17,989
(sighs) Do you have
children, Michelle?
85
00:03:17,990 --> 00:03:19,691
I have a daughter.
86
00:03:19,692 --> 00:03:21,943
Isn't that nice?
87
00:03:21,944 --> 00:03:23,695
Has she ripped
your heart out yet?
88
00:03:23,696 --> 00:03:25,697
Not quite.
89
00:03:25,698 --> 00:03:26,931
Well, give her time.
90
00:03:26,932 --> 00:03:29,267
Children are God's
little way of
91
00:03:29,268 --> 00:03:31,703
punishing us for having sex.
92
00:03:33,272 --> 00:03:36,207
So, Michelle, you've met
my mom and my brother.
93
00:03:36,208 --> 00:03:37,842
Will you be breaking up
with me now
94
00:03:37,843 --> 00:03:39,811
or would you prefer
to wait till after lunch?
95
00:03:39,812 --> 00:03:41,346
I'll wait.
96
00:03:41,347 --> 00:03:42,714
I already ordered
the souffle
97
00:03:42,715 --> 00:03:44,616
and I understand
it's very good here.
98
00:03:44,617 --> 00:03:48,353
Oh, she's attractive,
successful and funny.
99
00:03:48,354 --> 00:03:50,488
So tell me, dear,
100
00:03:50,489 --> 00:03:52,357
why are you settling?
101
00:03:54,894 --> 00:03:57,162
♪ Men. ♪
102
00:03:58,965 --> 00:04:01,399
Mmm... wait, wait, wait.
103
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,268
Can I ask you a question?
104
00:04:03,269 --> 00:04:04,502
Sure.
105
00:04:04,503 --> 00:04:07,372
Have there been a lot
of women in this bed?
106
00:04:07,373 --> 00:04:10,025
Uh...
107
00:04:10,026 --> 00:04:13,345
actually in the bed?
108
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,380
Fewer than you'd think.
109
00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:16,981
Charlie...
110
00:04:16,982 --> 00:04:19,784
Listen, I'm not gonna
lie about who I am
111
00:04:19,785 --> 00:04:21,553
or where I've been,
112
00:04:21,554 --> 00:04:24,255
so don't ask unless
you really want to know.
113
00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:28,560
It doesn't matter.
114
00:04:28,561 --> 00:04:29,894
The past is the past.
115
00:04:29,895 --> 00:04:31,262
Agreed.
116
00:04:31,263 --> 00:04:32,430
Let's work on the present.
117
00:04:32,431 --> 00:04:33,632
Oh, goody, I love presents.
118
00:04:33,633 --> 00:04:34,966
(laughs)
119
00:04:34,967 --> 00:04:36,017
(knocking)
120
00:04:36,018 --> 00:04:37,135
JAKE:
Uncle Charlie?
121
00:04:37,136 --> 00:04:38,770
Busy, Jake.
122
00:04:38,771 --> 00:04:42,474
JAKE:
Oh, is Chelsea back?
123
00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:45,060
No, Jake.
124
00:04:45,061 --> 00:04:46,244
Mia?
125
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:50,215
No.
126
00:04:50,216 --> 00:04:53,918
The married stripper?
What's her name, Betsy?
127
00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:56,988
What do you need, Jake?
128
00:04:56,989 --> 00:04:58,390
Can I borrow your car?
129
00:04:58,391 --> 00:05:01,426
No, you can't borrow my hundred-
thousand-dollar Mercedes!
130
00:05:01,427 --> 00:05:03,128
Okay.
131
00:05:03,129 --> 00:05:04,996
Sorry about that.
132
00:05:04,997 --> 00:05:08,500
It's not another
hooker, is it?
133
00:05:10,469 --> 00:05:13,088
Excuse me.
134
00:05:16,342 --> 00:05:18,510
Here's the keys.
Go away.
Thank you.
135
00:05:20,746 --> 00:05:22,047
My nephew.
136
00:05:22,048 --> 00:05:24,482
Everyone's convinced
he's a freaking moron,
137
00:05:24,483 --> 00:05:28,353
but I'm starting
to think he's an evil genius.
138
00:05:30,523 --> 00:05:32,824
♪ Men. ♪
139
00:05:32,825 --> 00:05:34,926
Hey, did you hear
that noise last night?
140
00:05:34,927 --> 00:05:36,127
What noise?
141
00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:38,413
Around 2:00 or 3:00 in
the morning,
142
00:05:38,414 --> 00:05:39,898
I thought I heard a man crying.
143
00:05:39,899 --> 00:05:43,134
Oh, that's nothing.
That's just Alan.
144
00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:44,536
It's nothing?
145
00:05:44,537 --> 00:05:47,706
Yeah, he gets up in the middle
of the night to pee,
146
00:05:47,707 --> 00:05:50,975
then he can't get back to sleep,
so he masturbates.
147
00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:55,046
Then he starts crying.
148
00:05:56,615 --> 00:05:58,466
Oh, my God, that's awful!
149
00:05:58,467 --> 00:06:02,303
It's like the ocean.
I don't even hear it anymore.
150
00:06:04,190 --> 00:06:05,290
Hey, sorry I'm late.
151
00:06:05,291 --> 00:06:07,826
I stopped off and did
the shopping for the week.
152
00:06:10,479 --> 00:06:12,263
Michelle, this is
my housekeeper Berta.
153
00:06:12,264 --> 00:06:13,965
Berta, Michelle.
Hi.
154
00:06:13,966 --> 00:06:14,983
Nice to meet you.
155
00:06:14,984 --> 00:06:15,984
Planning a party?
156
00:06:15,985 --> 00:06:18,870
Every afternoon at 2:00.
157
00:06:18,871 --> 00:06:21,239
(chuckles) She's, she's kidding.
158
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:22,307
Right, Berta?
159
00:06:22,308 --> 00:06:25,410
Huh? Yeah, sure, why not?
160
00:06:25,411 --> 00:06:28,413
Can I go upstairs
and make your bed
161
00:06:28,414 --> 00:06:30,999
or are you guys just catchin'
your breath and rinsin' off?
162
00:06:32,668 --> 00:06:33,852
No, it's fine.
163
00:06:33,853 --> 00:06:35,987
We're just gonna go
for a walk on the beach.
164
00:06:35,988 --> 00:06:37,989
(laughs) Good one.
165
00:06:37,990 --> 00:06:39,958
Why is that funny?
166
00:06:39,959 --> 00:06:41,493
Last time this one was on
the beach
167
00:06:41,494 --> 00:06:42,994
was 'cause he fell off the deck.
168
00:06:44,997 --> 00:06:47,766
It wasn't his fault.
He was drunk.
169
00:06:49,068 --> 00:06:50,835
I'll go make your bed.
170
00:06:52,238 --> 00:06:54,706
She seems... nice.
171
00:06:54,707 --> 00:06:56,074
You think?
172
00:06:56,075 --> 00:06:58,243
'Cause she scares
the crap outta me.
173
00:06:58,244 --> 00:07:00,245
Well, then why don't you
get rid of her?
174
00:07:00,246 --> 00:07:02,981
Oh, no, no, no, no, I could
never fire her.
175
00:07:02,982 --> 00:07:04,282
I love her to death.
176
00:07:04,283 --> 00:07:05,884
Interesting.
177
00:07:05,885 --> 00:07:09,020
So, you love her
and yet she scares you?
178
00:07:09,021 --> 00:07:12,557
Little window
into ol' Charlie, huh?
179
00:07:13,425 --> 00:07:16,561
More like a garage door.
180
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,865
♪ Men. ♪
181
00:07:20,866 --> 00:07:23,301
Well, you've met
my family,
182
00:07:23,302 --> 00:07:25,503
you know all about my past,
183
00:07:25,504 --> 00:07:29,307
my fondness for...
things I'm fond of.
184
00:07:29,308 --> 00:07:30,742
Uh-huh?
185
00:07:30,743 --> 00:07:33,812
So... why are you still here?
186
00:07:33,813 --> 00:07:36,080
Come on, Charlie, I'm a realist.
187
00:07:36,081 --> 00:07:37,849
Nobody our age comes
without baggage.
188
00:07:37,850 --> 00:07:40,318
Well, yeah, but some people
might think
189
00:07:40,319 --> 00:07:43,788
that my baggage is...
extra icky.
190
00:07:43,789 --> 00:07:45,056
Extra icky?
191
00:07:45,057 --> 00:07:47,892
That's actually a quote
from a former girlfriend.
192
00:07:47,893 --> 00:07:51,462
Well, I think that a mature
relationship has got
193
00:07:51,463 --> 00:07:53,898
to be based on honesty
about our flaws.
194
00:07:53,899 --> 00:07:55,033
You know my flaws.
195
00:07:55,034 --> 00:07:56,401
Openness about our past.
196
00:07:56,402 --> 00:07:57,836
You know my past.
197
00:07:57,837 --> 00:07:59,671
And a willingness to forgive.
198
00:07:59,672 --> 00:08:01,306
I forgive you.
199
00:08:01,307 --> 00:08:03,408
(chuckles)
200
00:08:03,409 --> 00:08:06,110
I really like you, Michelle.
201
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:08,413
I really like you, too.
202
00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:12,917
ROSE:
Hi, Charlie.
203
00:08:15,621 --> 00:08:19,157
There might be one more thing
you should know about me.
204
00:08:20,693 --> 00:08:22,327
♪ Men. ♪
205
00:08:24,601 --> 00:08:26,185
♪ Men. ♪
206
00:08:27,221 --> 00:08:29,222
Rose, this is not a good time.
207
00:08:29,223 --> 00:08:30,674
I just want to talk to you.
208
00:08:30,675 --> 00:08:32,559
I'm sorry, Michelle, this'll
only take a minute.
209
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:33,260
Do I know you?
210
00:08:33,261 --> 00:08:34,728
Nope.
211
00:08:34,729 --> 00:08:35,929
Seriously, Rose, not now.
212
00:08:35,930 --> 00:08:37,397
How do you know
my na...?
213
00:08:37,398 --> 00:08:38,798
How does she
know my name?
214
00:08:38,799 --> 00:08:40,233
Long story.
Not really.
215
00:08:40,234 --> 00:08:42,335
Once you have
a license plate number,
216
00:08:42,336 --> 00:08:43,770
the rest is cake.
217
00:08:44,505 --> 00:08:46,206
Could you give us
a minute?
218
00:08:46,207 --> 00:08:48,375
No, she's not goin' anywhere.
219
00:08:48,376 --> 00:08:49,943
Charlie, who is this woman?
220
00:08:49,944 --> 00:08:51,044
Just a friend.
221
00:08:51,045 --> 00:08:53,613
Oh, I'm more than
a friend. We dated.
222
00:08:54,582 --> 00:08:57,117
Just once.
Eight years ago.
223
00:08:57,118 --> 00:08:58,702
You haven't seen her
in eight years?
224
00:08:58,703 --> 00:09:00,003
Well, no, no, no.
Not exactly.
225
00:09:00,004 --> 00:09:01,688
We stay in touch.
226
00:09:01,689 --> 00:09:03,056
You stalk me.
227
00:09:03,057 --> 00:09:04,624
Oh, please.
228
00:09:04,625 --> 00:09:07,227
Does a stalker
baby-sit his nephew?
229
00:09:07,228 --> 00:09:09,296
Does a stalker sleep
with his brother?
230
00:09:09,297 --> 00:09:11,498
Does a stalker's dad
sleep with his mother,
231
00:09:11,499 --> 00:09:14,067
who you met at lunch the other
day at Terrace Gardens?
232
00:09:14,068 --> 00:09:16,436
Have you been
following me?
233
00:09:16,437 --> 00:09:18,805
Not you.
234
00:09:18,806 --> 00:09:20,607
Okay Charlie, I'm
a little freaked out here.
235
00:09:20,608 --> 00:09:21,775
I'm going
to go home.
236
00:09:21,776 --> 00:09:23,693
What? Why?
237
00:09:23,694 --> 00:09:25,678
Nice officially
meeting you.
238
00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:27,347
Oh, come on,
Michelle, don't go.
239
00:09:27,348 --> 00:09:28,365
I'll get rid of her.
240
00:09:28,366 --> 00:09:29,366
No, no, no. No.
241
00:09:29,367 --> 00:09:31,234
Clearly, you have lots
to talk about.
242
00:09:31,235 --> 00:09:32,852
But what about all
that stuff you said?
243
00:09:32,853 --> 00:09:35,422
You know, baggage,
willingness to forgive?
244
00:09:35,423 --> 00:09:36,656
Obviously, I was wrong.
245
00:09:36,657 --> 00:09:37,991
Michelle.
246
00:09:37,992 --> 00:09:40,026
No, look. I could deal
with your mother,
247
00:09:40,027 --> 00:09:41,928
your brother, your nephew,
your housekeeper...
248
00:09:41,929 --> 00:09:44,230
Yeah, I know--
No, no, no.
I'm not done.
249
00:09:44,231 --> 00:09:45,632
Your drinking,
your gambling,
250
00:09:45,633 --> 00:09:46,766
your womanizing,
251
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:48,768
but I am not putting up
with your stalker.
252
00:09:48,769 --> 00:09:52,238
Really? That's where
you draw the line?
253
00:09:53,107 --> 00:09:55,308
Seems a little
arbitrary.
254
00:09:55,309 --> 00:09:57,577
Good-bye, Charlie.
255
00:09:57,578 --> 00:09:58,678
(door closes)
256
00:09:58,679 --> 00:10:00,347
I like her.
257
00:10:00,348 --> 00:10:03,283
She's feisty.
258
00:10:03,284 --> 00:10:05,218
That's it, Rose.
259
00:10:05,219 --> 00:10:07,153
This is the last straw.
260
00:10:07,154 --> 00:10:08,188
Really?
261
00:10:08,189 --> 00:10:10,090
That's where you draw the line?
262
00:10:10,091 --> 00:10:12,025
I really care
about this woman.
263
00:10:12,026 --> 00:10:13,326
I'm glad for you.
264
00:10:13,327 --> 00:10:14,444
No, you're not!
265
00:10:14,445 --> 00:10:16,396
You never are. You always do
everything you can
266
00:10:16,397 --> 00:10:18,565
to come between me and any woman
I'm serious about.
267
00:10:18,566 --> 00:10:20,700
Is that what you think
I'm doing?
268
00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:23,770
Of course that's what I think
you're doing; you just did it!
269
00:10:24,572 --> 00:10:26,456
You've been doing it
for eight years,
270
00:10:26,457 --> 00:10:27,674
and I'm sick of it.
271
00:10:27,675 --> 00:10:30,043
Now, get out.
272
00:10:30,044 --> 00:10:31,978
Okay, but you should know
that I didn't come over
273
00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:32,946
to ruin your date.
274
00:10:32,947 --> 00:10:34,481
Really?
Why did you come over?
275
00:10:34,482 --> 00:10:36,649
To tell you
that I'm getting married.
276
00:10:36,650 --> 00:10:39,686
I'm not marrying you,
Rose.
277
00:10:42,189 --> 00:10:44,257
Not you, silly.
278
00:10:44,258 --> 00:10:45,925
Manfred.
279
00:10:45,926 --> 00:10:47,293
Manfred?
280
00:10:47,294 --> 00:10:48,611
He's so wonderful.
281
00:10:48,612 --> 00:10:50,430
I can't wait for you
to meet him.
282
00:10:50,431 --> 00:10:53,833
Uh-huh.
Have you met him yet?
283
00:10:55,653 --> 00:10:57,470
You don't believe me?
284
00:10:57,471 --> 00:10:59,372
Well, of course
I don't believe you.
285
00:10:59,373 --> 00:11:01,708
All you've ever done is
manipulate and deceive me.
286
00:11:01,709 --> 00:11:03,710
Mm, fair point.
287
00:11:03,711 --> 00:11:05,311
But I am getting married
next Sunday,
288
00:11:05,312 --> 00:11:07,047
and I just wanted
to let you know
289
00:11:07,048 --> 00:11:08,381
before you heard it
somewhere else.
290
00:11:08,382 --> 00:11:11,351
Where else would I hear it?
291
00:11:11,352 --> 00:11:14,521
Society page of
The Crazy Bitch Gazette?
292
00:11:15,890 --> 00:11:17,824
Clearly, it was a mistake
coming over.
293
00:11:17,825 --> 00:11:20,727
I had no idea the news
would hit you this hard.
294
00:11:20,728 --> 00:11:23,196
Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm bowled over,
295
00:11:23,197 --> 00:11:26,166
I'm devastated, I can't
imagine life without you.
296
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:27,534
Good-bye.
297
00:11:27,535 --> 00:11:30,737
Last chance to kiss the bride.
298
00:11:35,776 --> 00:11:37,777
(knocking)
299
00:11:39,813 --> 00:11:41,281
What?
300
00:11:41,282 --> 00:11:44,851
I'm not sure how to get home
from this side of the house.
301
00:11:53,928 --> 00:11:55,562
♪ Men. ♪
302
00:11:55,563 --> 00:11:57,630
Hey, Michelle.
It's me again.
303
00:11:57,631 --> 00:11:59,566
Sorry for all the messages.
304
00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:01,434
Don't worry,
I'm not stalking you.
305
00:12:01,435 --> 00:12:03,169
(chuckles)
306
00:12:03,170 --> 00:12:04,504
Anyway,
307
00:12:04,505 --> 00:12:07,724
again, I am really sorry for
all the craziness last night,
308
00:12:07,725 --> 00:12:10,844
but, like you pointed out,
everybody's got baggage.
309
00:12:10,845 --> 00:12:12,712
Unfortunately, one piece of mine
310
00:12:12,713 --> 00:12:16,816
needs to be sedated
and institutionalized.
311
00:12:16,817 --> 00:12:18,318
Okay, call me.
312
00:12:18,319 --> 00:12:20,453
Kisses. (blows kisses)
313
00:12:22,323 --> 00:12:25,041
Kisses?
314
00:12:25,042 --> 00:12:28,661
If I was any fruitier,
I could open a Jamba Juice.
315
00:12:28,662 --> 00:12:30,413
Check it out.
316
00:12:30,414 --> 00:12:33,133
Rose's engagement announcement
is in the paper.
317
00:12:33,134 --> 00:12:35,368
Manfred Quinn?
318
00:12:35,369 --> 00:12:38,104
Says he's an important figure
in the fashion industry.
319
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:40,089
Eh, I still don't buy it.
320
00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:43,226
What do you mean?
It's right here
in the paper.
Oh, grow up.
321
00:12:43,227 --> 00:12:45,044
Do you have any idea
how many times
322
00:12:45,045 --> 00:12:46,646
I had that paper
print my obituary?
323
00:12:46,647 --> 00:12:48,515
Why would you do that?
324
00:12:48,516 --> 00:12:49,766
Lots of reasons.
325
00:12:49,767 --> 00:12:51,734
Gambling debts, angry husbands,
326
00:12:51,735 --> 00:12:54,287
sometimes just
to get a little me time.
327
00:12:54,288 --> 00:12:57,423
Well, real or fake, I'm a little
miffed I wasn't invited.
328
00:12:57,424 --> 00:13:01,628
How do you get invited
to a fake wedding, Alan?
329
00:13:01,629 --> 00:13:04,164
With a fake invitation.
330
00:13:04,165 --> 00:13:06,166
Obviously.
331
00:13:06,167 --> 00:13:09,636
How come Rose only shows up
when I'm in a good relationship?
332
00:13:09,637 --> 00:13:13,573
Where was she when I was dating
the manic-depressive Satanist?
333
00:13:13,574 --> 00:13:16,276
Or that chick
with all the knives?
334
00:13:16,277 --> 00:13:18,545
Don't forget
the pre-op lifeguard.
335
00:13:18,546 --> 00:13:20,847
Post-op. She was post-op.
336
00:13:20,848 --> 00:13:26,152
Really? Could've sworn I saw
a bulge in that bikini bottom.
337
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:28,388
The point is, it's like...
338
00:13:28,389 --> 00:13:30,690
it's like Rose has
some kind of sixth sense
339
00:13:30,691 --> 00:13:32,976
where she knows when
I'm about to be happy.
340
00:13:32,977 --> 00:13:36,062
It's not a sixth sense--
she follows you around
and watches your every move.
341
00:13:36,063 --> 00:13:37,730
For all we know,
the house is bugged
342
00:13:37,731 --> 00:13:39,232
and she's listening
to us right now.
343
00:13:39,233 --> 00:13:41,935
Hi, Rose.
344
00:13:41,936 --> 00:13:43,136
Yeah, well, if she is...
345
00:13:43,137 --> 00:13:45,405
she overplayed her hand
this time!
346
00:13:45,406 --> 00:13:48,841
And I'm not falling
for this wedding crap!
347
00:13:48,842 --> 00:13:52,979
But just in case, shouldn't
we get her a gift?
348
00:13:52,980 --> 00:13:54,747
What?
349
00:13:54,748 --> 00:13:56,449
(whispering): They're having
a sale at Williams-Sonoma.
350
00:13:56,450 --> 00:13:58,885
You want to go halvsies
on a silver pepper mill?
351
00:13:58,886 --> 00:14:01,821
No, I'm not going halvsies
on a silver pepper mill!
352
00:14:01,822 --> 00:14:04,524
Okay, then... okay,
how about a lovely ceramic
353
00:14:04,525 --> 00:14:07,677
cow-shaped creamer, handmade
by the Pennsylvania Dutch?
354
00:14:07,678 --> 00:14:10,063
No gifts.
Why not?
355
00:14:10,064 --> 00:14:11,931
'Cause there's no wedding!
356
00:14:11,932 --> 00:14:13,967
There's no wedding!
357
00:14:15,169 --> 00:14:18,271
Well, you do what you want,
Charlie Harper,
358
00:14:18,272 --> 00:14:21,774
but I, Alan Harper, am gonna
get Rose something really nice!
359
00:14:21,775 --> 00:14:26,980
Ooh, a set of faux-walnut
napkin rings, only $9.95.
360
00:14:26,981 --> 00:14:29,148
Add to cart.
361
00:14:30,951 --> 00:14:33,169
♪ Men. ♪
362
00:14:37,458 --> 00:14:39,092
(sighs)
363
00:14:39,093 --> 00:14:40,627
Surprise!
364
00:14:40,628 --> 00:14:43,162
Not really-- you called,
like, 11 times.
365
00:14:43,163 --> 00:14:45,531
These are for you.
366
00:14:45,532 --> 00:14:47,383
Thank you.
367
00:14:48,335 --> 00:14:50,503
It doesn't change anything.
368
00:14:50,504 --> 00:14:51,971
Oh, come on, Michelle,
369
00:14:51,972 --> 00:14:54,674
I can't help it if some
meaningless one-night stand
370
00:14:54,675 --> 00:14:57,043
from years ago is
still obsessed with me.
371
00:14:57,044 --> 00:14:59,879
It's not about her, Charlie,
it's about you.
372
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,849
Okay, I can't help it
if I'm so wonderful
373
00:15:02,850 --> 00:15:04,851
she's still
obsessed with me.
374
00:15:04,852 --> 00:15:06,452
That's not what I meant.
375
00:15:06,453 --> 00:15:08,454
Yeah, I didn't think so.
376
00:15:08,455 --> 00:15:10,757
The fact that you still
have a relationship with her
377
00:15:10,758 --> 00:15:13,693
after all this time
tells me that you have
real feelings for her.
378
00:15:13,694 --> 00:15:15,762
Okay, okay, maybe
we have developed
379
00:15:15,763 --> 00:15:18,564
some sort of friendship, but
that doesn't change the fact
380
00:15:18,565 --> 00:15:20,166
that on a very primal level
381
00:15:20,167 --> 00:15:22,218
the woman scares
the hell out of me.
382
00:15:22,219 --> 00:15:23,569
Listen to yourself.
383
00:15:23,570 --> 00:15:25,405
That's exactly what you said
about your housekeeper.
384
00:15:25,406 --> 00:15:27,340
You love her, but
you're scared of her.
385
00:15:27,341 --> 00:15:28,508
And having met your mother,
386
00:15:28,509 --> 00:15:30,410
I'm betting you're
scared of her, too.
387
00:15:30,411 --> 00:15:34,347
Well, yeah, but
I don't love her.
388
00:15:34,348 --> 00:15:36,015
Charlie...
389
00:15:36,016 --> 00:15:38,785
What are you trying to say,
I'm in love with Rose?
390
00:15:38,786 --> 00:15:40,420
You tell me.
391
00:15:43,991 --> 00:15:45,992
Bye, Charlie.
392
00:15:52,499 --> 00:15:55,134
Okay, I do love Berta.
393
00:15:55,135 --> 00:15:58,304
I suppose
I kind of love my mother.
394
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:00,039
Aw, crap.
395
00:16:01,925 --> 00:16:04,010
♪ Men. ♪
396
00:16:04,978 --> 00:16:07,480
So, today's
the big day, huh?
397
00:16:07,481 --> 00:16:09,215
What big day?
398
00:16:09,216 --> 00:16:10,583
Rose's wedding.
399
00:16:10,584 --> 00:16:12,985
Oh, please!
There's no wedding.
400
00:16:12,986 --> 00:16:14,153
You sure about that?
401
00:16:14,154 --> 00:16:15,938
Yeah, I'm sure.
402
00:16:15,939 --> 00:16:17,256
But what if you're wrong?
403
00:16:17,257 --> 00:16:18,307
What do you mean?
404
00:16:18,308 --> 00:16:20,643
I mean, would it make
a difference to you,
405
00:16:20,644 --> 00:16:22,028
knowing that cute little face
406
00:16:22,029 --> 00:16:24,230
will never pop up
over that railing again?
407
00:16:24,231 --> 00:16:26,566
That the one woman
who's always loved you
408
00:16:26,567 --> 00:16:30,703
and been there for you
is forever out of reach?
409
00:16:30,704 --> 00:16:32,605
Come on.
410
00:16:32,606 --> 00:16:34,290
Where are we going?
To the church.
411
00:16:34,291 --> 00:16:36,793
I'm gonna prove to you that
she's not getting married.
412
00:16:36,794 --> 00:16:38,077
Okay.
413
00:16:38,078 --> 00:16:40,346
Aren't we a little underdressed?
414
00:16:40,347 --> 00:16:41,947
There's no wedding.
415
00:16:41,948 --> 00:16:44,751
Last chance to go halvsies
on the napkin rings.
416
00:16:44,752 --> 00:16:46,803
There's no wedding.
417
00:16:46,804 --> 00:16:49,505
Only cost you 50 bucks.
418
00:16:49,506 --> 00:16:51,758
♪ Men. ♪
419
00:16:55,362 --> 00:16:57,363
You see? No wedding.
420
00:16:57,364 --> 00:16:59,499
You got X-ray vision?
421
00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:02,435
(scoffs) Come on,
I'll show you.
422
00:17:02,436 --> 00:17:05,271
Just heads up--
if there's no wedding,
423
00:17:05,272 --> 00:17:08,374
you're getting napkin rings
for Christmas.
424
00:17:09,443 --> 00:17:11,994
Go ahead, Alan, look.
425
00:17:11,995 --> 00:17:15,114
Tell me if you
see a wedding.
426
00:17:15,115 --> 00:17:17,517
I see a wedding.
427
00:17:17,518 --> 00:17:19,635
What?
428
00:17:19,636 --> 00:17:22,021
MINISTER:
...two persons present
now come to be joined.
429
00:17:22,022 --> 00:17:25,191
Rose and Manfred,
we are here to remember...
430
00:17:25,192 --> 00:17:26,893
Oh, my God.
431
00:17:27,761 --> 00:17:29,228
She's really doing it.
432
00:17:29,229 --> 00:17:31,030
Rose is getting married.
433
00:17:31,031 --> 00:17:32,832
It's not too late
to stop it.
434
00:17:32,833 --> 00:17:35,134
(sighs)
Don't be ridiculous.
435
00:17:35,135 --> 00:17:37,336
It's way too late.
436
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:44,210
Okay, $25 to split the gift--
and I'm losing money.
437
00:17:44,211 --> 00:17:46,212
...why this man and this woman
438
00:17:46,213 --> 00:17:48,714
should not be joined
in holy matrimony,
439
00:17:48,715 --> 00:17:53,352
let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.
440
00:17:53,353 --> 00:17:55,755
And we're clear.
441
00:17:55,756 --> 00:17:58,090
Yep, that
ought to do it.
442
00:17:58,091 --> 00:17:59,625
Thanks, Freddy.
443
00:17:59,626 --> 00:18:01,027
My pleasure.
444
00:18:01,028 --> 00:18:02,428
I guess.
445
00:18:10,537 --> 00:18:12,772
♪ Men. ♪
446
00:18:14,843 --> 00:18:16,010
Unbelievable.
447
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:18,814
Rose is actually married.
448
00:18:18,815 --> 00:18:21,566
(chuckles)
Mrs. Manfred Quinn.
449
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:23,835
(big sigh)
450
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,771
I see it now.
451
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:27,639
I love her.
452
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,208
I've always loved her.
453
00:18:30,209 --> 00:18:31,977
I'm sorry.
454
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,979
It's true what
they say, Alan.
455
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:36,782
You don't know what you
got until it's gone.
456
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:39,885
Well... you still got me.
457
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:43,989
You're not who they had
in mind when they said it.
458
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,627
I'll always
love you, Rose.
459
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,146
(smacks lips)
460
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,467
Mrs. Manny Quinn.
461
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,770
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
462
00:18:59,309 --> 00:19:02,236
♪ Men. ♪
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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