1
00:00:00,796 --> 00:00:02,196
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:08,665 --> 00:00:10,232
Yeah, I gotta tell ya,
3
00:00:10,233 --> 00:00:12,334
my brother does basically
the same thing
4
00:00:12,335 --> 00:00:14,336
in the shower every day
5
00:00:14,337 --> 00:00:20,075
and he has absolutely
no muscle tone in his arms.
6
00:00:20,076 --> 00:00:22,177
All right, I'm out of here.
Hold on a sec.
7
00:00:22,178 --> 00:00:24,363
What does this look
like to you, Berta?
8
00:00:24,364 --> 00:00:26,382
Your brother in the shower?
9
00:00:28,034 --> 00:00:30,452
You hear that?
It's not just me.
10
00:00:31,721 --> 00:00:34,790
Thanks, Berta.
I'll see you tomorrow.
11
00:00:34,791 --> 00:00:36,625
No, you won't.
12
00:00:36,626 --> 00:00:40,529
I told you, I'm going to a
family reunion for a few days.
13
00:00:40,530 --> 00:00:43,432
But what about me?
14
00:00:43,433 --> 00:00:45,867
All right,
15
00:00:45,868 --> 00:00:48,370
let's go through this
one more time.
16
00:00:52,208 --> 00:00:56,412
I arranged to have a friend
fill in for me.
17
00:00:56,413 --> 00:00:58,580
Her name is Esmerelda.
18
00:00:58,581 --> 00:00:59,898
I have given her
19
00:00:59,899 --> 00:01:01,617
detailed instructions
20
00:01:01,618 --> 00:01:03,552
about how you like things done
around here.
21
00:01:03,553 --> 00:01:06,105
Did you tell her to roll me over
on my stomach
22
00:01:06,106 --> 00:01:09,658
so I don't choke
on my own vomit?
23
00:01:09,659 --> 00:01:12,094
That's number one on the list.
24
00:01:12,095 --> 00:01:14,263
Is she hot?
25
00:01:14,264 --> 00:01:15,898
She was in the '70s.
26
00:01:15,899 --> 00:01:18,033
I guess it's better that way.
27
00:01:18,034 --> 00:01:21,036
Yeah, it's tough enough that
you and I have sexual tension.
28
00:01:22,972 --> 00:01:26,809
Oh, by the way, you
promised me vacation pay.
29
00:01:26,810 --> 00:01:29,378
Okay.
30
00:01:29,379 --> 00:01:32,131
How much did
we agree on?
31
00:01:32,132 --> 00:01:34,216
That looks about right.
32
00:01:34,217 --> 00:01:36,685
Bye.
33
00:01:36,686 --> 00:01:38,854
See you tomorrow.
34
00:01:42,992 --> 00:01:45,427
Uncle Charlie in there?
35
00:01:45,428 --> 00:01:46,495
Yep.
36
00:01:46,496 --> 00:01:47,763
Drunk?
37
00:01:47,764 --> 00:01:49,031
Hammered.
38
00:01:49,032 --> 00:01:50,332
You clean him out?
39
00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:53,285
Would I do that
to my little buddy?
40
00:01:53,286 --> 00:01:54,903
Thank you, Berta.
41
00:01:55,839 --> 00:01:58,273
All right, have a good
weekend, Uncle Charlie.
42
00:01:58,274 --> 00:02:01,176
Enjoy your family reunion.
43
00:02:01,177 --> 00:02:02,144
What?
44
00:02:02,145 --> 00:02:03,879
What?
45
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:04,913
You know, you still owe me
46
00:02:04,914 --> 00:02:06,248
for that pizza
from the other night.
47
00:02:06,249 --> 00:02:10,085
Oh, yeah, sorry.
48
00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:11,420
How much was it?
49
00:02:11,421 --> 00:02:12,654
That'll do it.
50
00:02:12,655 --> 00:02:15,290
Jake, let's go.
Your mom's outside.
51
00:02:15,291 --> 00:02:16,958
See ya,
Uncle Charlie.
52
00:02:16,959 --> 00:02:18,761
See ya, buddy.
53
00:02:18,762 --> 00:02:21,296
Thanks for the pizza.
54
00:02:21,297 --> 00:02:22,765
When did you guys have pizza?
55
00:02:22,766 --> 00:02:24,800
I have no idea.
56
00:02:27,504 --> 00:02:31,073
Hey, Charlie,
you remember Lyndsey?
57
00:02:31,074 --> 00:02:32,875
Nope.
58
00:02:35,779 --> 00:02:37,980
Hey, look.
59
00:02:37,981 --> 00:02:39,498
(chuckles)
60
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:46,205
I'm exercising.
61
00:02:47,423 --> 00:02:50,425
Oh, maybe you ought
to sit down for a minute.
62
00:02:50,426 --> 00:02:52,361
Good idea.
63
00:02:52,362 --> 00:02:54,763
I'm getting
a little dizzy.
64
00:02:54,764 --> 00:02:56,965
I hope I don't have
a heart problem.
65
00:02:56,966 --> 00:02:59,968
No, you have
a drinking problem.
66
00:02:59,969 --> 00:03:01,670
That's a relief.
67
00:03:01,671 --> 00:03:03,872
So who's this Lyndsey?
68
00:03:03,873 --> 00:03:08,577
You remember-- Lyndsey,
early 40s, blonde, pretty.
69
00:03:08,578 --> 00:03:10,679
No recollection.
70
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,314
I burned her house down.
71
00:03:12,315 --> 00:03:14,583
She left me, went back
to her ex-husband?
72
00:03:14,584 --> 00:03:16,852
Keep going.
73
00:03:16,853 --> 00:03:20,322
Nice, full, very natural
looking C-cup?
74
00:03:20,323 --> 00:03:22,574
Oh, right, Lyndsey.
75
00:03:22,575 --> 00:03:24,526
Here we go.
76
00:03:33,469 --> 00:03:34,937
What are you doing?
77
00:03:34,938 --> 00:03:36,238
Child-proofing you.
78
00:03:36,239 --> 00:03:37,806
Thank you.
79
00:03:37,807 --> 00:03:40,209
So you're-you're dating
80
00:03:40,210 --> 00:03:42,077
Lindsay Lohan?
81
00:03:42,078 --> 00:03:44,980
No, no, Lyndsey MacElroy.
82
00:03:44,981 --> 00:03:46,398
Anyway, she called
and apparently
83
00:03:46,399 --> 00:03:48,267
things aren't working out
with the ex-husband,
84
00:03:48,268 --> 00:03:49,935
and even though she
didn't exactly say she
85
00:03:49,936 --> 00:03:52,688
wanted to get back together, I
am going to meet her for dinner.
86
00:03:52,689 --> 00:03:53,956
Well, that's great.
Mm-hmm.
87
00:03:53,957 --> 00:03:55,190
Good for you.
88
00:03:55,825 --> 00:03:57,893
How do I look?
89
00:03:57,894 --> 00:04:01,864
Like Lance Armstrong
after a three-day drunk.
90
00:04:01,865 --> 00:04:03,699
Nice.
91
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:05,000
Mm-hmm.
92
00:04:05,668 --> 00:04:09,204
You are a good brother, Alan.
93
00:04:09,205 --> 00:04:11,273
Have some money.
94
00:04:11,274 --> 00:04:13,342
Thanks.
95
00:04:13,343 --> 00:04:15,427
If I were really
a good brother,
96
00:04:15,428 --> 00:04:17,279
I would stage
an intervention.
97
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,631
Thanks for the pizza.
98
00:04:32,996 --> 00:04:35,764
Eureka.
99
00:04:35,765 --> 00:04:38,367
I've invented
the drinking helmet.
100
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:42,167
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==
== for www.addic7ed.com ==
101
00:04:42,272 --> 00:04:44,806
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
102
00:04:44,807 --> 00:04:46,626
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
103
00:04:46,726 --> 00:04:49,826
♪ Two and a Half Men 8x09 ♪
A Good Time in Central Africa
Original Air Date on November 15, 2010
104
00:04:49,916 --> 00:04:51,951
♪ Men. ♪
105
00:04:55,222 --> 00:04:57,039
(sighs)
106
00:05:02,062 --> 00:05:03,512
Hello?
107
00:05:04,347 --> 00:05:06,549
(speaking Spanish)
108
00:05:12,055 --> 00:05:16,692
Oh, man, did I go
to Tijuana last night?
109
00:05:20,564 --> 00:05:23,449
Me... you...
110
00:05:23,450 --> 00:05:26,018
Not married, are we?
111
00:05:30,824 --> 00:05:32,625
I guess if the answer was yes,
112
00:05:32,626 --> 00:05:35,027
she wouldn't be polishing
the piano.
113
00:05:38,748 --> 00:05:41,200
Hey, Alan, quick question.
114
00:05:41,201 --> 00:05:42,701
Yeah?
115
00:05:42,702 --> 00:05:45,704
Who is that in
our living room?
116
00:05:45,705 --> 00:05:46,872
That's Esmerelda.
117
00:05:46,873 --> 00:05:48,908
Gonna need more.
118
00:05:48,909 --> 00:05:50,509
Berta's friend?
119
00:05:50,510 --> 00:05:51,510
Keep going.
120
00:05:51,511 --> 00:05:53,378
Berta went
to her family reunion.
121
00:05:53,379 --> 00:05:54,880
Esmerelda's filling in for her.
122
00:05:54,881 --> 00:05:59,551
Oh. It would have been nice
if she'd given me a heads-up.
123
00:05:59,552 --> 00:06:03,055
Aren't you going to ask me
about last night?
124
00:06:03,056 --> 00:06:04,773
Oh, yeah.
125
00:06:04,774 --> 00:06:08,277
What did I do last night?
126
00:06:08,278 --> 00:06:12,198
Somehow I spent
almost all my money.
127
00:06:12,199 --> 00:06:14,633
No, I meant
what I did last night.
128
00:06:14,634 --> 00:06:17,102
Oh. No.
129
00:06:17,103 --> 00:06:19,755
Lyndsey wants
to get back together.
130
00:06:20,707 --> 00:06:21,740
C-cups.
131
00:06:21,741 --> 00:06:23,976
Right. Lyndsey.
132
00:06:23,977 --> 00:06:26,245
She did split up
with her ex-husband Chris.
133
00:06:26,246 --> 00:06:28,597
Said she realized
she didn't want to go backwards.
134
00:06:28,598 --> 00:06:32,585
In what universe is dating you
not going backwards?
135
00:06:32,586 --> 00:06:35,921
I know. This guy must be
some kind of mess.
136
00:06:37,657 --> 00:06:40,025
Breakfast, Señor Harper?
137
00:06:40,026 --> 00:06:41,477
Why is she saying breakfast?
138
00:06:41,478 --> 00:06:43,262
Am I supposed to make her
breakfast?
139
00:06:43,263 --> 00:06:45,614
She'll make it for you.
140
00:06:45,615 --> 00:06:48,784
Try the huevos rancheros--
they're amazing.
141
00:06:48,785 --> 00:06:51,003
(speaking Spanish)
142
00:06:55,575 --> 00:06:57,042
Muy bien.
Gracias.
143
00:06:57,043 --> 00:07:00,212
Where did you learn
to speak Spanish?
144
00:07:00,213 --> 00:07:02,665
Junior high, high school,
college,
145
00:07:02,666 --> 00:07:05,918
two years of chiropractic school
in Mexico.
146
00:07:05,919 --> 00:07:08,320
You say that like
I'm supposed to know.
147
00:07:08,321 --> 00:07:11,090
You are supposed to know.
You're my brother.
148
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:36,615
(Esmerelda laughing)
149
00:07:36,616 --> 00:07:37,649
What's so funny?
150
00:07:37,650 --> 00:07:39,451
Are you talking about me?
151
00:07:39,452 --> 00:07:41,387
She says she likes your hat.
152
00:07:44,090 --> 00:07:46,342
♪ Men. ♪
153
00:07:47,344 --> 00:07:50,045
CHARLIE:
Alan! Come here, quick!
154
00:07:50,046 --> 00:07:53,899
Please God,
don't let it be a dead girl.
155
00:07:57,570 --> 00:07:59,238
What is it?
156
00:07:59,239 --> 00:08:01,640
Open my door and
tell me what you see.
157
00:08:01,641 --> 00:08:04,076
Why? What do you see?
158
00:08:04,878 --> 00:08:06,779
Just look.
159
00:08:06,780 --> 00:08:08,731
Are the flying monkeys back?
160
00:08:08,732 --> 00:08:10,883
Don't joke about that, Alan.
161
00:08:11,718 --> 00:08:13,736
Wow.
162
00:08:13,737 --> 00:08:15,054
Esmerelda did this?
163
00:08:15,055 --> 00:08:16,355
Can you believe it?
164
00:08:16,356 --> 00:08:17,656
The fresh cut flowers,
165
00:08:17,657 --> 00:08:18,958
the carafe of lemon water.
166
00:08:18,959 --> 00:08:20,709
She even laid out
my robe and slippers.
167
00:08:20,710 --> 00:08:21,961
Since when
do you have slippers?
168
00:08:21,962 --> 00:08:24,296
I don't know. Is it
possible she made them?
169
00:08:26,366 --> 00:08:28,734
She put a chocolate on your pillow?
Yup.
170
00:08:28,735 --> 00:08:30,636
See what it says?
171
00:08:30,637 --> 00:08:32,037
"Felicidad."
172
00:08:32,038 --> 00:08:33,472
That means
"Merry Christmas," right?
173
00:08:33,473 --> 00:08:35,407
It means "happiness."
174
00:08:35,408 --> 00:08:38,510
You sure? What about that song,
uh, "Felicidad Navidas"?
175
00:08:38,511 --> 00:08:40,612
"Feliz Navidad"?
176
00:08:40,613 --> 00:08:42,547
Tomato, tamale.
177
00:08:42,548 --> 00:08:43,849
The point is,
178
00:08:43,850 --> 00:08:46,151
Esmerelda is
a terrific housekeeper.
179
00:08:46,152 --> 00:08:47,920
I didn't get
a chocolate.
180
00:08:47,921 --> 00:08:49,355
You're not Señor Harper.
181
00:08:49,356 --> 00:08:50,823
I'm a Señor Harper.
182
00:08:50,824 --> 00:08:53,359
Yes, but not the Señor Harper
that pays her.
183
00:08:54,577 --> 00:08:56,695
Come on, you got
to see this.
184
00:08:56,696 --> 00:08:58,831
She still could have
given me a chocolate.
185
00:08:58,832 --> 00:09:00,933
How much could it cost?
186
00:09:00,934 --> 00:09:02,668
Look!
187
00:09:02,669 --> 00:09:03,869
That's not a swan.
188
00:09:03,870 --> 00:09:05,938
That's my towel.
189
00:09:05,939 --> 00:09:07,172
Nice touch.
190
00:09:07,173 --> 00:09:08,507
Had me fooled
at first.
191
00:09:08,508 --> 00:09:10,676
I tried to kill it.
192
00:09:11,711 --> 00:09:13,178
And look.
193
00:09:13,179 --> 00:09:15,681
She folded my toilet paper
into a little point.
194
00:09:15,682 --> 00:09:17,750
After breakfast,
I used some, stood up, shaved,
195
00:09:17,751 --> 00:09:20,586
and when I looked back,
I swear it was pointed again.
196
00:09:20,587 --> 00:09:22,421
Is that a votive candle?
197
00:09:22,422 --> 00:09:23,689
Yup.
198
00:09:23,690 --> 00:09:25,791
She's praying that I have
pleasant bowel movements.
199
00:09:25,792 --> 00:09:27,192
Oh, please.
200
00:09:27,193 --> 00:09:28,360
No, no, no, it's working.
201
00:09:28,361 --> 00:09:31,663
This morning, soft, firm,
easy peasy.
202
00:09:31,664 --> 00:09:33,432
But wait, there's more.
203
00:09:33,433 --> 00:09:35,067
Come on.
204
00:09:36,953 --> 00:09:39,455
Tada!
205
00:09:39,456 --> 00:09:41,373
She bought you a new grill?!
206
00:09:41,374 --> 00:09:42,975
No, no, no, this
is the old grill.
207
00:09:42,976 --> 00:09:44,109
You know what she did?
208
00:09:44,110 --> 00:09:46,278
What?
She cleaned it.
209
00:09:46,279 --> 00:09:48,147
She cleaned the grill?
210
00:09:48,148 --> 00:09:49,681
Berta never cleans the grill.
211
00:09:49,682 --> 00:09:50,883
Tell me about it.
212
00:09:50,884 --> 00:09:53,152
She only comes out on the deck
to smoke pot.
213
00:09:53,153 --> 00:09:54,019
Señor Harper?
214
00:09:54,020 --> 00:09:55,187
Yes?
215
00:09:55,188 --> 00:09:57,756
She's talking to me,
Baba Looey. Yes?
216
00:09:58,825 --> 00:10:00,592
Hell, yeah, botanas.
217
00:10:06,633 --> 00:10:08,500
What's that mean,
"screw you"?
218
00:10:08,501 --> 00:10:09,968
Basically.
219
00:10:09,969 --> 00:10:11,970
I love this woman.
220
00:10:11,971 --> 00:10:13,355
Esmerelda, te amo.
221
00:10:13,356 --> 00:10:15,074
Ay, Señor.
222
00:10:15,075 --> 00:10:16,475
I thought you didn't
speak Spanish.
223
00:10:16,476 --> 00:10:18,977
I don't, but I do know
how to say "I love you"
224
00:10:18,978 --> 00:10:20,512
and "How much for
a happy ending?"
225
00:10:20,513 --> 00:10:21,747
in, like, 17
different languages.
226
00:10:21,748 --> 00:10:23,198
You're kidding.
227
00:10:23,199 --> 00:10:26,385
(speaking foreign
language and clicking)
228
00:10:26,386 --> 00:10:30,589
In case you ever want to have
a good time in Central Africa.
229
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:35,660
♪ Men. ♪
230
00:10:35,661 --> 00:10:37,229
(doorbell ringing)
231
00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:38,297
CHARLIE:
Alan, get that!
232
00:10:38,298 --> 00:10:40,265
Esmerelda's giving
me a pedicure!
233
00:10:40,266 --> 00:10:43,502
Pedicure. I can't even get
a freakin' chocolate.
234
00:10:45,522 --> 00:10:46,872
Hello, Alan.
235
00:10:46,873 --> 00:10:49,041
Chris! Hey.
236
00:10:49,042 --> 00:10:50,642
Uh, what brings you by?
237
00:10:50,643 --> 00:10:52,544
Well, Lyndsey mentioned
that you two are dating again,
238
00:10:52,545 --> 00:10:53,979
and I wanted to let you know
239
00:10:53,980 --> 00:10:56,682
that if I had to lose her,
I'm glad it was to you.
240
00:10:56,683 --> 00:10:58,567
Thank you.
241
00:10:58,568 --> 00:11:00,686
How did you get my address?
242
00:11:00,687 --> 00:11:02,254
Not important.
243
00:11:02,255 --> 00:11:04,189
Here, I brought you
a little gift.
244
00:11:04,190 --> 00:11:05,290
Okay.
245
00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:06,858
(chuckles)
246
00:11:06,859 --> 00:11:08,577
Nothing in here's
gonna bite me, is it?
247
00:11:08,578 --> 00:11:11,230
(chuckles)
Open it.
248
00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:15,134
Oh.
249
00:11:15,135 --> 00:11:16,368
Look at that.
250
00:11:16,369 --> 00:11:18,103
It's a picture of
Lyndsey and you.
251
00:11:18,104 --> 00:11:20,906
Yeah. Look how happy we were.
252
00:11:20,907 --> 00:11:22,641
We just found out
she was pregnant.
253
00:11:22,642 --> 00:11:25,060
It kind of looks like she's
glowing, but it's really just
254
00:11:25,061 --> 00:11:27,946
the lights from the Ferris wheel
on the Santa Monica Pier.
255
00:11:27,947 --> 00:11:30,249
I-I can't accept this.
256
00:11:30,250 --> 00:11:32,084
Oh, I want you to have it.
257
00:11:32,085 --> 00:11:34,219
You need to see
how happy Lyndsey made me,
258
00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:36,021
so you can be that happy.
259
00:11:36,022 --> 00:11:38,524
Okay, I'm not quite sure
I follow the logic,
260
00:11:38,525 --> 00:11:40,275
um, but-but thank you.
261
00:11:40,276 --> 00:11:41,293
See you around.
262
00:11:41,294 --> 00:11:42,294
(clicks tongue)
263
00:11:42,295 --> 00:11:43,729
(clicks tongue)
264
00:11:43,730 --> 00:11:44,997
Ah, it's too late, Alan.
265
00:11:44,998 --> 00:11:47,065
You're already dead.
266
00:11:58,711 --> 00:12:00,546
Well, that was a bit disturbing.
267
00:12:00,547 --> 00:12:02,114
♪ Men. ♪
268
00:12:03,448 --> 00:12:04,748
♪ Men. ♪
269
00:12:04,749 --> 00:12:08,914
Okay, uh, one decaf
grande soy chai latte
270
00:12:09,014 --> 00:12:10,465
with extra whipped cream.
271
00:12:10,466 --> 00:12:13,301
Uh, and a black
coffee for the lady.
272
00:12:13,302 --> 00:12:14,536
Thank you.
273
00:12:14,537 --> 00:12:16,087
I don't know how you
drink that stuff.
274
00:12:16,088 --> 00:12:17,455
Back at you.
275
00:12:17,456 --> 00:12:19,307
Name?
Uh, Alan.
276
00:12:19,308 --> 00:12:21,709
So, what's so important
that you didn't want
277
00:12:21,710 --> 00:12:22,977
to talk about it
on the phone?
278
00:12:22,978 --> 00:12:24,312
Oh, it's not that
it's important,
279
00:12:24,313 --> 00:12:25,513
uh, it's just
that it's...
280
00:12:25,514 --> 00:12:26,915
Alan, if you
dragged me down here
281
00:12:26,916 --> 00:12:28,750
to break up with me,
I will murder you.
282
00:12:28,751 --> 00:12:31,102
Oh, no, nobody's
breaking up.
283
00:12:31,103 --> 00:12:33,221
But, uh, speaking
of murder,
284
00:12:33,222 --> 00:12:35,290
I saw your
ex-husband yesterday.
285
00:12:35,291 --> 00:12:37,525
I'm sorry, "speaking of murder"?
286
00:12:37,526 --> 00:12:39,394
Oh, oh, maybe I should
back up a little.
287
00:12:39,395 --> 00:12:43,031
Um, Chris showed up at
my house and handed me
288
00:12:43,032 --> 00:12:46,634
what I consider to be a very
inappropriate photo of you two.
289
00:12:46,635 --> 00:12:48,269
That bastard!
290
00:12:48,270 --> 00:12:50,505
He told me he threw
those pictures away.
291
00:12:50,506 --> 00:12:53,774
Okay, I-I don't think we're
talking about the same pictures.
292
00:12:53,775 --> 00:12:57,412
Uh, but the point is, before
he left, he shot at me.
293
00:12:57,413 --> 00:12:59,214
He shot at you?
294
00:12:59,215 --> 00:13:00,882
Oh, not with a gun,
with his finger.
295
00:13:00,883 --> 00:13:02,917
But the implication
was pretty darn clear.
296
00:13:02,918 --> 00:13:05,153
Okay, let me
get this straight.
297
00:13:05,154 --> 00:13:07,055
I wasn't naked
in the picture?
298
00:13:07,056 --> 00:13:09,357
No, you were at the
Santa Monica Pier.
299
00:13:09,358 --> 00:13:12,293
But not naked, right?
300
00:13:12,294 --> 00:13:13,895
Right.
301
00:13:13,896 --> 00:13:15,513
Uh, but again,
my concern here
302
00:13:15,514 --> 00:13:18,166
is that your ex-husband
seems to be threatening me.
303
00:13:18,167 --> 00:13:19,868
Oh, Chris is harmless.
304
00:13:19,869 --> 00:13:22,036
His bark is way worse
than his bite.
305
00:13:22,037 --> 00:13:23,805
So you're saying
he does bite?
306
00:13:23,806 --> 00:13:25,306
Alan, you have nothing
to worry about.
307
00:13:25,307 --> 00:13:26,808
And if it'll make you
feel better,
308
00:13:26,809 --> 00:13:28,776
I'll talk to Chris
next time I see him.
309
00:13:28,777 --> 00:13:30,828
Talk to me about what?
What the hell?!
310
00:13:33,482 --> 00:13:35,516
How long have you
been sitting there?
311
00:13:35,517 --> 00:13:36,517
I just got here.
312
00:13:36,518 --> 00:13:37,685
I was gonna come say hi,
313
00:13:37,686 --> 00:13:39,120
but I thought
it was a little creepy--
314
00:13:39,121 --> 00:13:41,189
ex-husband, new boyfriend.
315
00:13:41,190 --> 00:13:42,390
Are you following us?
316
00:13:42,391 --> 00:13:44,859
No. I just stopped in
to have a cup of coffee.
317
00:13:44,860 --> 00:13:46,594
You live on
the other side of town.
318
00:13:46,595 --> 00:13:48,229
But I like the coffee here.
319
00:13:48,230 --> 00:13:51,799
Okay, I don't know what
you're trying to accomplish,
320
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:53,268
but it needs to stop right now.
321
00:13:53,269 --> 00:13:56,003
Uh, I've got
this, Lyndsey.
322
00:13:56,004 --> 00:14:00,391
Now... listen up, pal.
323
00:14:00,392 --> 00:14:02,510
I'm dating your ex-wife,
324
00:14:02,511 --> 00:14:05,230
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
325
00:14:05,231 --> 00:14:06,281
Do you understand me?
326
00:14:06,282 --> 00:14:07,699
(shrieks):
Police! Police!
327
00:14:07,700 --> 00:14:08,683
Whoa.
328
00:14:08,684 --> 00:14:09,851
Calm down.
329
00:14:09,852 --> 00:14:11,786
Chris, get
out of here.
330
00:14:11,787 --> 00:14:13,738
I'm leaving.
331
00:14:13,739 --> 00:14:15,290
Oh, Alan.
332
00:14:15,291 --> 00:14:16,291
What?
333
00:14:16,292 --> 00:14:18,059
See you around.
334
00:14:18,060 --> 00:14:19,394
See? See?
335
00:14:19,395 --> 00:14:20,361
He shot me again!
336
00:14:20,362 --> 00:14:21,546
Calm down.
337
00:14:21,547 --> 00:14:22,997
Calm down?!
This guy is crazy.
338
00:14:22,998 --> 00:14:24,699
We need get a restraining order
or something.
339
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:26,367
I don't think
that's necessary.
340
00:14:26,368 --> 00:14:28,052
Of course it's necessary.
341
00:14:28,053 --> 00:14:30,705
This is unacceptable behavior,
and I am not putting up with it.
342
00:14:30,706 --> 00:14:32,140
In fact,
forget the restraining order.
343
00:14:32,141 --> 00:14:34,259
I'm gonna pay him a visit
and make it crystal clear
344
00:14:34,260 --> 00:14:35,843
that he is messing with
the wrong guy.
345
00:14:35,844 --> 00:14:36,811
Alan!
346
00:14:36,812 --> 00:14:39,047
(shrieks):
Police! Police!
347
00:14:40,516 --> 00:14:42,383
♪ Men. ♪
348
00:14:42,384 --> 00:14:45,320
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
349
00:14:45,321 --> 00:14:46,721
Breakfast time.
350
00:14:46,722 --> 00:14:48,022
Esmerelda's huevos rancher...
351
00:14:48,023 --> 00:14:49,991
Oh, Berta!
352
00:14:49,992 --> 00:14:51,326
Hey.
353
00:14:51,327 --> 00:14:53,561
I thought you were
at a family reunion.
354
00:14:53,562 --> 00:14:54,595
Came home early.
355
00:14:54,596 --> 00:14:56,431
Turns out,
I don't like my family.
356
00:14:56,432 --> 00:14:58,833
So you came back.
357
00:14:58,834 --> 00:15:00,418
Yay.
358
00:15:00,419 --> 00:15:03,371
So Esmerelda's not
coming in anymore?
359
00:15:03,372 --> 00:15:04,939
No, I called her.
360
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:06,907
She didn't mess things up
too bad, did she?
361
00:15:06,908 --> 00:15:08,459
No, no, no.
I mean, she's not you,
362
00:15:08,460 --> 00:15:10,678
so there was
a little adjustment.
363
00:15:12,581 --> 00:15:13,815
What's that
you're eating?
364
00:15:13,816 --> 00:15:15,099
Western omelette.
365
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:16,684
Oh. Looks good.
366
00:15:16,685 --> 00:15:17,819
It is.
367
00:15:17,820 --> 00:15:19,954
Which reminds me,
you're out of eggs.
368
00:15:19,955 --> 00:15:21,422
(door opens, closes)
369
00:15:21,423 --> 00:15:22,457
ALAN:
Charlie?
370
00:15:22,458 --> 00:15:23,591
In here.
371
00:15:23,592 --> 00:15:25,393
Staring at me while I eat
372
00:15:25,394 --> 00:15:27,829
is making me
very uncomfortable.
373
00:15:27,830 --> 00:15:30,431
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
374
00:15:30,432 --> 00:15:31,649
Charlie, I've got
a problem.
375
00:15:31,650 --> 00:15:32,667
How about that,
376
00:15:32,668 --> 00:15:34,469
the problem's got a problem.
377
00:15:34,470 --> 00:15:36,120
Berta's back.
378
00:15:36,121 --> 00:15:37,905
Yay.
379
00:15:37,906 --> 00:15:40,708
I'm going somewhere
I can eat in peace.
380
00:15:40,709 --> 00:15:42,877
I thought my family
was annoying.
381
00:15:42,878 --> 00:15:45,046
Can you believe it?
382
00:15:45,047 --> 00:15:46,130
Esmerelda's gone.
383
00:15:46,131 --> 00:15:47,315
Yeah, boo-hoo.
384
00:15:47,316 --> 00:15:48,966
Lyndsey's ex-husband
threatened to kill me.
385
00:15:48,967 --> 00:15:50,084
How is that a bigger problem
386
00:15:50,085 --> 00:15:51,786
than me having to make
my own breakfast?
387
00:15:51,787 --> 00:15:53,137
I'm serious, Charlie.
388
00:15:53,138 --> 00:15:54,088
He's crazy.
389
00:15:54,089 --> 00:15:55,356
Well, of course
he's crazy.
390
00:15:55,357 --> 00:15:56,290
He's an ex-husband.
391
00:15:56,291 --> 00:15:57,325
The two words
go together.
392
00:15:57,326 --> 00:15:58,393
"Crazy ex-husband."
393
00:15:58,394 --> 00:15:59,327
I'm an ex-husband.
394
00:15:59,328 --> 00:16:00,595
There you go.
395
00:16:00,596 --> 00:16:02,263
Now, what are we gonna
do about Esmerelda?
396
00:16:02,264 --> 00:16:04,131
I mean, it's not like
I can fire Berta.
397
00:16:04,132 --> 00:16:06,801
Sure you can. Frankly,
I never cared for the woman.
398
00:16:06,802 --> 00:16:08,186
What am I gonna do
about Chris?
399
00:16:08,187 --> 00:16:09,937
I don't want to lose Lyndsey;
I love her.
400
00:16:09,938 --> 00:16:11,472
And I love
huevos rancheros
401
00:16:11,473 --> 00:16:14,158
and chocolate "felicidadas"
on my pillow.
402
00:16:14,159 --> 00:16:16,994
Okay, we seem to be talking
at cross purposes here.
403
00:16:16,995 --> 00:16:19,480
'Cause you're not focusing
on the real issue.
404
00:16:19,481 --> 00:16:21,816
I've just lost the best
housekeeper since...
405
00:16:21,817 --> 00:16:23,618
Wilma Flintstone.
406
00:16:24,670 --> 00:16:25,670
(screams)
407
00:16:25,671 --> 00:16:27,004
What the hell?
408
00:16:27,005 --> 00:16:28,489
What was that?
409
00:16:28,490 --> 00:16:30,324
A rock.
410
00:16:30,325 --> 00:16:32,009
It's got to be Chris.
411
00:16:32,010 --> 00:16:33,044
How can you be sure?
412
00:16:33,045 --> 00:16:34,762
Who else would
throw a rock at me?
413
00:16:34,763 --> 00:16:37,465
Good point. I'm here
and Mom's out of town.
414
00:16:37,466 --> 00:16:39,634
I ain't cleaning that up.
415
00:16:42,638 --> 00:16:44,672
♪ Men. ♪
416
00:16:44,673 --> 00:16:46,023
(TV playing quietly)
417
00:16:46,024 --> 00:16:48,943
(phone rings)
418
00:16:48,944 --> 00:16:50,144
Hello.
419
00:16:51,947 --> 00:16:53,147
Hello?
420
00:16:54,083 --> 00:16:57,351
("Up, Up and Away"
ringtone playing)
421
00:17:01,523 --> 00:17:03,224
Hello?
422
00:17:03,225 --> 00:17:05,226
Hello?!
423
00:17:05,227 --> 00:17:07,428
Okay, whoever this is,
424
00:17:07,429 --> 00:17:09,196
you should know
that you're not scaring me.
425
00:17:09,197 --> 00:17:11,065
(doorbell rings, Alan screams)
426
00:17:17,206 --> 00:17:18,256
Esmerelda!
427
00:17:18,257 --> 00:17:19,707
Come on in.
428
00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:21,426
Buenas noches, Señor Harper.
429
00:17:26,648 --> 00:17:28,516
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
430
00:17:29,751 --> 00:17:30,735
Esmerelda?
431
00:17:30,736 --> 00:17:33,554
Oh, como esta, Señor Alan?
432
00:17:33,555 --> 00:17:34,906
Muy bien.
433
00:17:34,907 --> 00:17:36,023
Charlie, what's going on?
434
00:17:36,024 --> 00:17:37,224
Excusez-moi.
435
00:17:39,261 --> 00:17:42,563
From now on, Berta will be
our day housekeeper
436
00:17:42,564 --> 00:17:44,866
and Esmerelda will be
our night housekeeper.
437
00:17:44,867 --> 00:17:46,134
Capiche?
438
00:17:46,135 --> 00:17:47,502
Does Berta know?
439
00:17:47,503 --> 00:17:48,936
Berta doesn't need to know.
440
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:51,105
Uh-huh. So what's she gonna
think when she comes back
441
00:17:51,106 --> 00:17:53,591
and she sees the pointed toilet
paper and the swan towels?
442
00:17:53,592 --> 00:17:54,709
Way ahead of you.
443
00:17:54,710 --> 00:17:56,711
I'll just un-swan
and un-point everything
444
00:17:56,712 --> 00:17:57,812
before she gets here.
445
00:17:57,813 --> 00:17:59,430
Then why do it?
446
00:17:59,431 --> 00:18:01,048
I mean, is it
worth the trouble
447
00:18:01,049 --> 00:18:02,550
to sneak around
behind Berta's back?
448
00:18:02,551 --> 00:18:04,919
I know it's crazy, but...
449
00:18:06,755 --> 00:18:08,589
...the woman makes me happy.
450
00:18:09,758 --> 00:18:11,476
Botanas, Señor Harper?
451
00:18:11,477 --> 00:18:14,111
Oh, si... vous plaît.
452
00:18:16,865 --> 00:18:18,483
How about that?
453
00:18:18,484 --> 00:18:20,301
I'm even starting
to pick up the language.
454
00:18:20,302 --> 00:18:22,136
It's a shame the
language is French.
455
00:18:22,137 --> 00:18:23,137
(phone rings)
456
00:18:23,138 --> 00:18:25,072
(screams)
457
00:18:25,073 --> 00:18:27,241
♪ Men. ♪
458
00:18:28,563 --> 00:18:30,797
♪ Men. ♪
459
00:18:34,924 --> 00:18:37,026
Alan, relax.
If Chris wanted to kill you,
460
00:18:37,027 --> 00:18:38,894
he'd just climb through your
window while you're sleeping
461
00:18:38,895 --> 00:18:41,597
and smother you
with a pillow.
462
00:18:41,598 --> 00:18:43,299
Thank you,
that's very helpful.
463
00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:45,985
At least, that's how
I always imagined doing it.
464
00:18:45,986 --> 00:18:47,670
BERTA:
You rat bastard.
465
00:18:48,772 --> 00:18:51,206
Berta!
466
00:18:51,207 --> 00:18:52,641
It's not what it looks like.
467
00:18:52,642 --> 00:18:53,709
Is that so?
468
00:18:53,710 --> 00:18:55,377
Then what is it?
469
00:18:55,378 --> 00:18:59,465
Uh... it's purely sexual.
470
00:19:01,051 --> 00:19:02,651
I'm not stupid, Charlie.
471
00:19:02,652 --> 00:19:04,336
I know when I'm being two-timed.
472
00:19:04,337 --> 00:19:05,571
Charlie, I'm shocked.
473
00:19:05,572 --> 00:19:06,605
Shocked!
474
00:19:06,606 --> 00:19:09,091
Berta, I-I had no idea
this was going...
475
00:19:09,092 --> 00:19:10,059
Stay out of it, Zippy!
476
00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:12,594
I'm out.
477
00:19:12,595 --> 00:19:14,330
So what do you have to say
for yourself?
478
00:19:14,331 --> 00:19:15,731
Berta, I am... I am so sorry.
479
00:19:15,732 --> 00:19:18,167
I got carried away, but I think
if we all sit down like adults
480
00:19:18,168 --> 00:19:19,835
and talk this through,
we can make it work.
481
00:19:19,836 --> 00:19:20,936
Uh-uh.
482
00:19:20,937 --> 00:19:22,304
It's either me or her.
483
00:19:22,305 --> 00:19:23,872
Oh, please don't make me choose.
484
00:19:23,873 --> 00:19:25,441
Berta, I love you both.
485
00:19:25,442 --> 00:19:26,575
Good-bye, Charlie.
486
00:19:26,576 --> 00:19:27,643
No, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
487
00:19:34,617 --> 00:19:36,552
It's you, Berta.
488
00:19:36,553 --> 00:19:38,087
It's always been you.
489
00:19:38,088 --> 00:19:40,255
I'm sorry.
490
00:19:40,256 --> 00:19:42,207
It's just not our time.
491
00:19:43,827 --> 00:19:46,128
Please tell her how sorry I am.
492
00:19:46,129 --> 00:19:48,330
(speaking Spanish)
493
00:19:57,691 --> 00:19:59,674
(both laugh)
494
00:20:02,345 --> 00:20:05,114
Adios, Señor Harper.
495
00:20:05,115 --> 00:20:08,016
Arrivederci, Esmerelda.
496
00:20:09,486 --> 00:20:10,753
Okay, then.
497
00:20:10,754 --> 00:20:11,987
I'll see you tomorrow.
498
00:20:11,988 --> 00:20:13,455
Good, good.
499
00:20:13,456 --> 00:20:14,456
I'll be late.
500
00:20:14,457 --> 00:20:15,724
It's okay.
501
00:20:15,725 --> 00:20:17,760
You might want to clean
that hair up off the floor
502
00:20:17,761 --> 00:20:18,927
before I get in.
503
00:20:18,928 --> 00:20:21,380
Sure, I'm on it.
Okay.
504
00:20:24,551 --> 00:20:26,735
(sighs)
505
00:20:28,772 --> 00:20:30,973
Oh, Esmerelda.
506
00:20:33,343 --> 00:20:35,444
No.
507
00:20:35,445 --> 00:20:37,379
No, I can't let her go.
508
00:20:41,351 --> 00:20:42,751
Oh, hey, Chris.
509
00:20:42,752 --> 00:20:45,437
Pillows on the couch, Alan's
in his room. Esmerelda!
510
00:20:45,438 --> 00:20:48,923
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==
== for www.addic7ed.com ==
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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