1
00:00:03,628 --> 00:00:05,129
(footsteps approach)
2
00:00:05,131 --> 00:00:06,697
You, uh, got a minute, boss?
3
00:00:06,699 --> 00:00:08,098
Actually, I'm kind of busy.
4
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:11,035
I'm pushing new code on an API
for this e-comm platform.
5
00:00:11,037 --> 00:00:12,586
"I am from the future.
6
00:00:12,588 --> 00:00:14,989
I am a handsome robot."
7
00:00:14,991 --> 00:00:16,624
Look, I-I wouldn't
bother you with this
8
00:00:16,626 --> 00:00:17,858
if I didn't think
it was important.
9
00:00:17,860 --> 00:00:19,310
Okay. Just make it quick.
10
00:00:19,312 --> 00:00:20,444
That's my specialty.
11
00:00:20,446 --> 00:00:21,878
Ask any woman
I've ever been with.
12
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,838
I will call them both.
13
00:00:27,102 --> 00:00:28,085
What do you got?
14
00:00:28,087 --> 00:00:31,122
Behold your new
15
00:00:31,124 --> 00:00:32,440
coffee mug.
16
00:00:32,442 --> 00:00:34,625
(imitates crowd cheering)
17
00:00:34,627 --> 00:00:36,510
What?
18
00:00:36,512 --> 00:00:38,579
Remember? You asked me to look
for new mugs for your office.
19
00:00:38,581 --> 00:00:39,597
What do you think?
20
00:00:39,599 --> 00:00:41,382
Well, there's a hole on the top
21
00:00:41,384 --> 00:00:42,550
and no hole on the bottom.
22
00:00:42,552 --> 00:00:43,684
Nailed it.
23
00:00:43,686 --> 00:00:44,735
Thanks.
24
00:00:44,737 --> 00:00:45,903
Uh, so, uh, what do you want
written on it?
25
00:00:45,905 --> 00:00:47,488
Written on it?
26
00:00:47,490 --> 00:00:48,506
Uh, your choices are
27
00:00:48,508 --> 00:00:50,174
"Coffee," "Java" or "Joe."
28
00:00:50,176 --> 00:00:52,293
I don't know. Just...
Joe.
29
00:00:52,295 --> 00:00:53,460
Excellent choice.
30
00:00:53,462 --> 00:00:56,013
Although... what if
you hire a guy named Joe?
31
00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,815
I-I think the temptation
for these mugs
32
00:00:57,817 --> 00:00:59,850
to walk out the door
is a little too high.
33
00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:01,836
Fine.
Just write "Coffee" on it.
34
00:01:01,838 --> 00:01:03,470
Great!
Uh, coffee in the mug,
35
00:01:03,472 --> 00:01:05,556
and coffee on the mug.
Love it!
36
00:01:05,558 --> 00:01:06,557
Oh, uh...
37
00:01:06,559 --> 00:01:07,908
but, uh, let me run
this past you:
38
00:01:07,910 --> 00:01:10,411
"Java the Mug."
39
00:01:11,747 --> 00:01:14,081
You know, because of Star Wars.
40
00:01:14,083 --> 00:01:14,915
Stop!
41
00:01:14,917 --> 00:01:16,250
Right.
Right.
42
00:01:16,252 --> 00:01:17,702
You're busy.
(laughs)
43
00:01:17,704 --> 00:01:19,003
Oh! Uh, one
last thing.
44
00:01:19,005 --> 00:01:20,738
Oh, good God!
Alan,
45
00:01:20,740 --> 00:01:22,089
I hired you as my assistant
46
00:01:22,091 --> 00:01:23,924
so I don't have to think
about things like this.
47
00:01:23,926 --> 00:01:24,875
Oh, yeah, I know,
48
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,277
but I want to do
a good job for you.
49
00:01:26,279 --> 00:01:27,762
I mean, you're gonna look
at this every day
50
00:01:27,764 --> 00:01:28,996
and I don't want you
to hate it.
51
00:01:28,998 --> 00:01:30,381
That does happen with things
52
00:01:30,383 --> 00:01:31,999
I look at every day.
53
00:01:32,001 --> 00:01:34,185
Okay, so one
final question:
54
00:01:34,187 --> 00:01:37,104
do you want your mug to be
left-handed or right-handed?
55
00:01:40,442 --> 00:01:41,959
You're kidding, right?
56
00:01:41,961 --> 00:01:43,878
No, some people hold 'em
in their left hand,
57
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:46,480
some people hold 'em
in their right hand.
58
00:01:47,699 --> 00:01:49,900
Mm-hmm.
59
00:01:54,289 --> 00:01:55,973
(dramatic gasp)
Wow.
60
00:01:55,975 --> 00:01:57,525
Okay. Okay.
61
00:01:57,527 --> 00:01:59,777
Changing your mug
from "World's Greatest Boss"
62
00:01:59,779 --> 00:02:01,679
to "World's Smartest Boss."
Okay.
63
00:02:01,681 --> 00:02:03,114
I'm gonna go pee.
64
00:02:03,116 --> 00:02:04,965
Oh, oh, as long as you're
in the bathroom, uh,
65
00:02:04,967 --> 00:02:07,885
I left three different types of
toilet tissue in there for you.
66
00:02:07,887 --> 00:02:10,304
Uh, let me know
which one is best.
67
00:02:10,306 --> 00:02:14,225
Oh! And the brown one
is not a joke.
68
00:02:14,227 --> 00:02:16,060
"Hire me, Walden.
I can be your assistant."
69
00:02:16,062 --> 00:02:19,397
You know what your mug should
say? "World's Worst Employee."
70
00:02:22,084 --> 00:02:24,916
Oh, World's Second
Worst Employee.
71
00:02:24,917 --> 00:02:28,917
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x03 ♪
This Unblessed Biscuit
Original Air Date on October 10, 2013
72
00:02:28,942 --> 00:02:33,942
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
73
00:02:38,488 --> 00:02:40,706
Hey, nap time's over.
74
00:02:40,708 --> 00:02:41,941
I'm not napping.
75
00:02:41,943 --> 00:02:43,576
I threw my back out.
76
00:02:43,578 --> 00:02:45,344
My God, are you okay?
What happened?
77
00:02:45,346 --> 00:02:49,448
It seized up when I was climbing
into your bed to take a nap.
78
00:02:49,450 --> 00:02:52,118
Okay, uh,
everything's gonna be okay.
79
00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:53,286
Just... relax.
80
00:02:53,288 --> 00:02:54,787
Alan, get up here!
81
00:02:54,789 --> 00:02:56,122
Why are you calling Zippy?
82
00:02:56,124 --> 00:02:57,757
He's a chiropractor--
he can help.
83
00:02:57,759 --> 00:02:59,058
(laughs)
Oh, stop.
84
00:02:59,060 --> 00:03:01,861
It hurts when I laugh.
(chuckles) Oh.
85
00:03:01,863 --> 00:03:03,796
Has this happened before?
86
00:03:03,798 --> 00:03:06,165
Once. At a bike rally
in Sturgis.
87
00:03:06,167 --> 00:03:09,135
Me and a couple of Hells Angels
decided to drop acid
88
00:03:09,137 --> 00:03:10,870
and get naked.
89
00:03:11,338 --> 00:03:13,539
Alan!
90
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:14,840
What's going on?
91
00:03:14,842 --> 00:03:16,208
Is something wrong?
92
00:03:16,210 --> 00:03:17,510
Berta threw her back out.
93
00:03:17,512 --> 00:03:19,278
Oh, no. What should we do?
94
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,846
Well, I called
a chiropractor.
95
00:03:20,848 --> 00:03:22,415
Great.
96
00:03:23,617 --> 00:03:25,318
Oh, me! Oh...
97
00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:26,452
Duh.
(chuckles)
98
00:03:26,454 --> 00:03:28,187
Well, uh, let's see
what we got here.
99
00:03:28,189 --> 00:03:29,322
Where's the pain?
100
00:03:29,324 --> 00:03:32,224
Standing in front of me
asking stupid questions.
101
00:03:32,226 --> 00:03:34,360
Berta, be nice.
Alan's a doctor.
102
00:03:34,362 --> 00:03:36,495
(laughing):
Oh. Oh.
103
00:03:36,497 --> 00:03:37,863
Yes, yes, ha-ha.
104
00:03:37,865 --> 00:03:39,332
But I can help you.
105
00:03:39,334 --> 00:03:41,434
Although I am legally
obligated to tell you
106
00:03:41,436 --> 00:03:42,735
my license has expired.
107
00:03:42,737 --> 00:03:44,553
But thankfully backs
haven't changed that much
108
00:03:44,555 --> 00:03:46,939
since my unsuccessful
board review. (chuckles)
109
00:03:46,941 --> 00:03:48,924
So, uh, you can't
move at all?
110
00:03:48,926 --> 00:03:50,860
Every time I do,
it tightens up more.
111
00:03:50,862 --> 00:03:52,395
Oh, sounds
like a classic back spasm.
112
00:03:52,397 --> 00:03:54,497
You probably just need
bed rest and ice, uh,
113
00:03:54,499 --> 00:03:57,033
but, just in case, let me see
if you need a spinal adjustment.
114
00:03:57,035 --> 00:03:58,934
Touch me and you die.
115
00:03:58,936 --> 00:04:02,488
(quietly): She may also need
an attitude adjustment.
116
00:04:02,490 --> 00:04:05,408
Okay, I'll call my doctor and
have him come take a look.
117
00:04:05,410 --> 00:04:08,110
(scoffs) Western medicine. He'll probably
just prescribe pain killers.
118
00:04:08,112 --> 00:04:09,412
Call him.
119
00:04:09,414 --> 00:04:11,697
I will. In
the meantime,
120
00:04:11,699 --> 00:04:13,115
you stay here as
long as you need.
121
00:04:13,117 --> 00:04:14,333
I'll take the guest room.
122
00:04:14,335 --> 00:04:17,636
Why? My back's out
but my front still works.
123
00:04:17,638 --> 00:04:21,223
Be like Sturgis all over again.
124
00:04:21,225 --> 00:04:23,426
(chuckles)
Oh...
125
00:04:25,178 --> 00:04:26,512
Morning.
126
00:04:26,514 --> 00:04:28,147
Hey.
127
00:04:28,149 --> 00:04:30,399
Hey, were you alone last night?
128
00:04:30,401 --> 00:04:31,417
Yeah, why?
129
00:04:31,419 --> 00:04:34,737
Because from 11:15 to 11:22,
130
00:04:34,739 --> 00:04:36,822
all I heard was, "Oh, yeah,
131
00:04:36,824 --> 00:04:39,775
that's the way Daddy likes it."
132
00:04:40,594 --> 00:04:44,663
Oh, um...
133
00:04:44,665 --> 00:04:47,616
Uh, right, the-the walls
are really thin,
134
00:04:47,618 --> 00:04:49,668
uh, between my bedroom
and the guest room,
135
00:04:49,670 --> 00:04:52,088
and I-I was watching TV.
136
00:04:52,090 --> 00:04:53,389
Hmm.
137
00:04:53,391 --> 00:04:56,392
So the same show
came on again at 1:30
138
00:04:56,394 --> 00:04:58,277
and then again at 4:15?
139
00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:00,129
Huh.
(scoffs)
140
00:05:00,131 --> 00:05:02,515
Weird.
(chuckles)
141
00:05:02,517 --> 00:05:04,116
Can I ask you something?
142
00:05:04,118 --> 00:05:05,101
Mm-hmm.
143
00:05:05,103 --> 00:05:07,937
What is wrong with Daddy?
144
00:05:07,939 --> 00:05:10,639
He's lonely, okay?
145
00:05:10,641 --> 00:05:12,725
Can you just let it go?
146
00:05:12,727 --> 00:05:14,843
I should ask you
the same question.
147
00:05:16,846 --> 00:05:18,280
What are you doing?
148
00:05:18,282 --> 00:05:19,982
Well, since Berta
is incapacitated,
149
00:05:19,984 --> 00:05:23,202
I have taken the initiative to
design and build a chore wheel.
150
00:05:23,204 --> 00:05:24,520
What is a chore wheel?
151
00:05:24,522 --> 00:05:27,239
It is a wheel with a variety
of chores on the outside
152
00:05:27,241 --> 00:05:28,791
and names on the inside.
153
00:05:28,793 --> 00:05:30,326
I got the idea
from my brother Charlie,
154
00:05:30,328 --> 00:05:32,128
who had a whore wheel.
155
00:05:34,364 --> 00:05:36,315
The only name on it is "Walden""
156
00:05:36,317 --> 00:05:40,119
Ah, that's because it was my
chore to make the chore wheel.
157
00:05:40,121 --> 00:05:41,804
And your
first chore
158
00:05:41,806 --> 00:05:43,255
is...
159
00:05:43,257 --> 00:05:44,707
"cleaning Alan's room."
160
00:05:44,709 --> 00:05:46,091
(sucks air through teeth)
Ooh.
161
00:05:46,093 --> 00:05:49,411
That's gonna be tough
after last night.
162
00:05:50,213 --> 00:05:53,048
Maybe you should
have Daddy do it.
163
00:05:56,069 --> 00:05:59,188
Whoa, somebody found my stash.
164
00:05:59,190 --> 00:06:01,390
Wasn't hard.
It was right here in this box
165
00:06:01,392 --> 00:06:04,643
that says "Not Pot."
(chuckles)
166
00:06:04,645 --> 00:06:06,362
Very clever.
167
00:06:06,364 --> 00:06:08,197
I didn't want anybody
to find my pot.
168
00:06:08,199 --> 00:06:09,582
I was about to write, uh,
169
00:06:09,584 --> 00:06:12,751
"This Box Contains
Poisonous Jumping Bugs,"
170
00:06:12,753 --> 00:06:14,954
but then I thought,
"What if this magic marker
171
00:06:14,956 --> 00:06:16,872
"is actually magic
and it turns my pot
172
00:06:16,874 --> 00:06:19,425
into poisonous jumping bugs?"
173
00:06:19,427 --> 00:06:21,177
(chuckles)
174
00:06:21,179 --> 00:06:22,744
I was really high.
175
00:06:22,746 --> 00:06:24,930
Uh, you know, I-I really
don't think it's a good idea
176
00:06:24,932 --> 00:06:27,249
to mix marijuana
with muscle relaxers.
177
00:06:27,251 --> 00:06:28,851
Oh, those pills are long gone.
178
00:06:28,853 --> 00:06:30,970
What? You had a good
two weeks' worth.
179
00:06:30,972 --> 00:06:33,389
Or a great one night's worth.
(chuckles)
180
00:06:33,391 --> 00:06:35,374
Oh, bacon.
181
00:06:35,376 --> 00:06:37,960
You guys take
such good care of me.
182
00:06:37,962 --> 00:06:39,745
That's because
you take good care of us.
183
00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:42,565
That's because I love you guys.
184
00:06:42,567 --> 00:06:44,617
I love you more. Shh!
185
00:06:44,619 --> 00:06:46,468
How's your back feeling?
186
00:06:46,470 --> 00:06:48,103
Actually, a lot better.
187
00:06:48,105 --> 00:06:50,322
I think I'm ready
to go back to work.
188
00:06:50,324 --> 00:06:51,740
Oh, really?
So you can get up?
189
00:06:51,742 --> 00:06:53,826
Absolutely.
(chuckles)
190
00:06:53,828 --> 00:06:55,811
Am I up?
191
00:06:55,813 --> 00:06:56,812
No.
192
00:06:56,814 --> 00:06:58,564
Damn.
193
00:06:58,566 --> 00:07:00,399
How 'bout now?
194
00:07:01,735 --> 00:07:03,419
Yep, looking good.
195
00:07:03,421 --> 00:07:05,204
Told you.
196
00:07:05,206 --> 00:07:08,424
Hey! Bacon!
197
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:15,314
Why do these have windows?
198
00:07:17,751 --> 00:07:18,851
I don't need to see inside.
199
00:07:18,853 --> 00:07:21,887
I trust 'em to wash
and dry the clothes.
200
00:07:21,889 --> 00:07:23,439
You know,
when you think about it,
201
00:07:23,441 --> 00:07:25,691
a lot of appliances
have windows.
202
00:07:25,693 --> 00:07:26,975
Ovens,
203
00:07:26,977 --> 00:07:28,744
microwaves.
204
00:07:30,163 --> 00:07:33,732
Wait a minute. Are we watching
them or are they watching us?
205
00:07:33,734 --> 00:07:36,652
Got a little contact high
in there with Berta,
206
00:07:36,654 --> 00:07:38,787
did you?
Shh!
207
00:07:38,789 --> 00:07:40,656
(whispers):
Not in front of the washer.
208
00:07:43,176 --> 00:07:45,711
Hey, how old do you think
Berta is anyway?
209
00:07:45,713 --> 00:07:48,797
I don't even know
her last name.
210
00:07:48,799 --> 00:07:52,651
You know, I'm just thinkin',
I mean, she hurt her back.
211
00:07:52,653 --> 00:07:54,503
It's taking her
a while to recover.
212
00:07:54,505 --> 00:07:57,456
I mean, maybe this job's just
getting to be too much for her.
213
00:07:57,458 --> 00:07:58,340
Really?
214
00:07:58,342 --> 00:07:59,441
Yeah, I don't know.
215
00:07:59,443 --> 00:08:00,693
I mean, she's not getting
any younger,
216
00:08:00,695 --> 00:08:02,695
and it's a pretty
labor-intensive job.
217
00:08:02,697 --> 00:08:07,116
Why in the world do you wear
boys' husky underwear?
218
00:08:08,118 --> 00:08:10,402
Okay, you know how some
people trim the hedges
219
00:08:10,404 --> 00:08:12,154
to make the
tree look bigger?
220
00:08:18,295 --> 00:08:23,465
Well, I say stuff the tree
in a smaller yard.
221
00:08:24,301 --> 00:08:26,418
We, when the police
raid the house
222
00:08:26,420 --> 00:08:28,337
and find a drawer full
of boys' underwear,
223
00:08:28,339 --> 00:08:30,389
that's not gonna be good
for any of us.
224
00:08:30,391 --> 00:08:32,141
Neither is a drawer full of pot.
225
00:08:32,143 --> 00:08:36,261
That's why I wrote
"Not Pot" on it.
226
00:08:36,263 --> 00:08:39,131
So are you saying you think
it's time for Berta to retire?
227
00:08:39,133 --> 00:08:41,533
I don't know.
Everyone slows down eventually.
228
00:08:41,535 --> 00:08:43,719
Mmm, maybe you're right.
229
00:08:43,721 --> 00:08:46,905
Maybe it's time to put
the old girl out to pasture.
230
00:08:46,907 --> 00:08:50,576
Send her off
to the housekeeper farm upstate.
231
00:08:50,578 --> 00:08:53,195
That might not be the best way
to tell her.
232
00:08:53,197 --> 00:08:55,564
What? The-the farm
is a beautiful place.
233
00:08:55,566 --> 00:08:59,251
She can run out in the fields
with all the other housekeepers.
234
00:08:59,253 --> 00:09:01,870
There's sponges
and fabric softener
235
00:09:01,872 --> 00:09:04,340
as far as the eye can see.
236
00:09:04,342 --> 00:09:08,310
And the only dishes left in
the sink are made of chocolate.
237
00:09:08,312 --> 00:09:11,664
I may be a little
stoned, too.
238
00:09:11,666 --> 00:09:15,100
You ever hear
about the roommate farm?
239
00:09:18,188 --> 00:09:19,838
Berta.
240
00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:21,890
We got a little surprise
for you.
241
00:09:21,892 --> 00:09:23,609
Chuck Norris?
242
00:09:24,427 --> 00:09:27,730
Fried chicken,
cheesecake and beer.
243
00:09:27,732 --> 00:09:31,617
That's what my first husband
requested for his last meal.
244
00:09:31,619 --> 00:09:33,435
Am I dying?
245
00:09:33,437 --> 00:09:34,703
Oh, don't be silly.
246
00:09:34,705 --> 00:09:36,121
Do you like farms?
247
00:09:36,123 --> 00:09:37,489
What?
WALDEN: Oh.
248
00:09:37,491 --> 00:09:40,826
I-I think what he's trying
to say is,
249
00:09:40,828 --> 00:09:45,047
have you ever thought about
hanging up the old toilet brush?
250
00:09:45,049 --> 00:09:48,400
Raising that vest up
to the rafters?
251
00:09:48,402 --> 00:09:51,053
Oh, my God, you're firing me.
252
00:09:51,055 --> 00:09:53,172
(chuckles) No. I-I would
never fire you.
253
00:09:53,174 --> 00:09:54,640
I'm talking about retirement.
254
00:09:54,642 --> 00:09:55,708
Just kicking back,
255
00:09:55,710 --> 00:09:57,810
taking it easy,
getting high every day.
256
00:09:57,812 --> 00:09:59,645
I do that now.
257
00:10:01,131 --> 00:10:03,332
Besides, I can't afford
to retire.
258
00:10:03,334 --> 00:10:05,384
Well, what about that
pension plan I set up for you?
259
00:10:05,386 --> 00:10:07,469
I'll tell you
what happened to it: life.
260
00:10:07,471 --> 00:10:09,137
Your house needs a new roof,
261
00:10:09,139 --> 00:10:10,773
your grandson needs braces,
262
00:10:10,775 --> 00:10:13,842
your daughter's meth lab
explodes.
263
00:10:13,844 --> 00:10:15,160
What were you planning
on doing,
264
00:10:15,162 --> 00:10:16,528
working for the rest
of your life?
265
00:10:16,530 --> 00:10:19,998
Nah, I thought about, uh,
getting a villa in Tuscany.
266
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,785
Then I said, "Nah,
I'll just hang around here
267
00:10:22,787 --> 00:10:26,088
and clean the skid marks
out of Zippy's underwear."
268
00:10:29,459 --> 00:10:31,043
How about this?
269
00:10:31,045 --> 00:10:35,013
What if you could make
the same money you're making now
270
00:10:35,015 --> 00:10:37,116
and never have to work again?
271
00:10:37,118 --> 00:10:38,851
One last job? I like it.
272
00:10:38,853 --> 00:10:40,619
Am I driving or shooting?
273
00:10:40,621 --> 00:10:43,138
No. You retire,
274
00:10:43,140 --> 00:10:45,641
and I'll pay you for
the rest of your life.
275
00:10:45,643 --> 00:10:47,776
You're gonna pay me
for doing nothing?
276
00:10:47,778 --> 00:10:49,611
Yeah. I call it
the Alan Harper Plan.
277
00:10:51,347 --> 00:10:53,115
Where's this coming from?
278
00:10:53,117 --> 00:10:56,301
Uh, we're-we're just...
worried about you.
279
00:10:56,303 --> 00:10:59,288
This is a tough job, especially
for a woman of your age.
280
00:10:59,290 --> 00:11:00,956
What?
281
00:11:00,958 --> 00:11:03,542
He said it's hard for a woman
your age to do this job.
282
00:11:03,544 --> 00:11:04,510
I heard him!
283
00:11:04,512 --> 00:11:05,794
Oh.
284
00:11:05,796 --> 00:11:07,663
I can do the job just fine.
285
00:11:07,665 --> 00:11:09,965
Really? Because you
basically bent over
286
00:11:09,967 --> 00:11:12,651
and haven't been able to get
out of bed for two days.
287
00:11:12,653 --> 00:11:16,171
So you just want to treat me
like some pathetic charity case
288
00:11:16,173 --> 00:11:17,673
you can throw money at.
289
00:11:17,675 --> 00:11:20,192
Oh, no-no one's saying
you're a charity case.
290
00:11:20,194 --> 00:11:21,560
Although, I, on the other hand,
291
00:11:21,562 --> 00:11:24,045
would be happy to be one
of Walden's Kids.
292
00:11:26,432 --> 00:11:29,034
I'm just trying to do
something nice for you.
293
00:11:29,036 --> 00:11:30,769
By giving me a handout?
294
00:11:30,771 --> 00:11:33,572
Unlike you, I've worked for
every cent I ever made.
295
00:11:33,574 --> 00:11:34,373
Excuse me?
296
00:11:34,375 --> 00:11:35,958
You got rich from one idea.
297
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,460
You have no clue what it's like
to work for a living.
298
00:11:38,462 --> 00:11:41,113
Okay, I am not gonna apologize
for being successful.
299
00:11:41,115 --> 00:11:42,498
No, you are not,
my friend.
300
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:43,999
Shut up!
Shut up!
301
00:11:44,001 --> 00:11:45,567
And please,
"work for a living"?
302
00:11:45,569 --> 00:11:47,836
You hurt your back trying
to take a nap!
303
00:11:47,838 --> 00:11:49,204
You know what?
304
00:11:49,206 --> 00:11:50,939
I don't have to take this crap.
305
00:11:50,941 --> 00:11:52,257
Well, that makes two of us.
306
00:11:52,259 --> 00:11:53,826
It's settled then. I quit.
307
00:11:53,828 --> 00:11:56,595
Oh, no! Where am I gonna find
someone to eat my food,
308
00:11:56,597 --> 00:11:59,748
smoke my pot
and sleep in my bed?!
309
00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:00,799
Oh...
310
00:12:00,801 --> 00:12:02,734
Shut up!
311
00:12:12,492 --> 00:12:15,044
(sighs) So what do you think?
Was I right, or what?
312
00:12:15,046 --> 00:12:17,246
Yes, Helen is great.
313
00:12:17,248 --> 00:12:18,647
Although I still
don't understand
314
00:12:18,649 --> 00:12:21,283
why we couldn't at least
interview a topless maid.
315
00:12:21,285 --> 00:12:23,535
Or four.
316
00:12:23,537 --> 00:12:25,304
Will you forget
about the topless maids?
317
00:12:25,306 --> 00:12:27,139
I will never forget
about the topless maids.
318
00:12:27,141 --> 00:12:28,424
You saw the video.
319
00:12:28,426 --> 00:12:31,827
"The only thing dirty
in your house will be me."
320
00:12:31,829 --> 00:12:33,829
(door opening)
321
00:12:33,831 --> 00:12:34,897
Supper time, boys.
322
00:12:34,899 --> 00:12:36,098
Oh.
Oh.
323
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:39,268
Helen, this lemonade
is delicious.
324
00:12:39,270 --> 00:12:41,837
That's because
I have a secret ingredient.
325
00:12:41,839 --> 00:12:43,072
Oh, really?
What-What is it?
326
00:12:43,074 --> 00:12:44,206
Love.
327
00:12:44,208 --> 00:12:46,342
Aw!
Oh!
328
00:12:46,344 --> 00:12:48,210
And, like, a pound of sugar.
329
00:12:48,212 --> 00:12:49,912
(sighs)
330
00:12:49,914 --> 00:12:52,081
Hey, you still
miss Berta?
331
00:12:52,083 --> 00:12:53,349
Miss Berta who?
332
00:12:53,351 --> 00:12:56,485
Hey, maybe that's her
last name, "Who""
333
00:12:56,487 --> 00:12:58,420
More like, "Who Cares."
334
00:12:58,422 --> 00:13:00,789
(laughter)
335
00:13:00,791 --> 00:13:03,125
Oh, my God, look at this!
336
00:13:03,127 --> 00:13:05,027
And for dessert,
337
00:13:05,029 --> 00:13:07,196
when your tummy
starts to rumble,
338
00:13:07,198 --> 00:13:09,431
there's Helen's apple crumble.
339
00:13:09,433 --> 00:13:10,532
(laughs)
340
00:13:10,534 --> 00:13:12,468
Shut your mouth.
341
00:13:12,470 --> 00:13:14,403
I won't.
342
00:13:14,405 --> 00:13:15,871
You shouldn't.
343
00:13:15,873 --> 00:13:17,339
(laughter)
344
00:13:17,341 --> 00:13:20,075
The only thing Berta ever made
with an apple was a bong.
345
00:13:20,077 --> 00:13:22,444
Oh, she sounds
like a hoot-and-a-half.
346
00:13:22,446 --> 00:13:23,345
(laughter)
347
00:13:23,347 --> 00:13:24,880
Well, enjoy, boys!
348
00:13:24,882 --> 00:13:27,082
Oh, no, no, no, no,
come join us.
349
00:13:27,084 --> 00:13:29,118
Oh.
350
00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:32,855
Well, thank you very much.
351
00:13:32,857 --> 00:13:33,872
Oh.
352
00:13:33,874 --> 00:13:35,107
The only thing sweeter
353
00:13:35,109 --> 00:13:38,744
than your manners
is my peach cobbler.
354
00:13:39,429 --> 00:13:42,230
Spoiler alert-- tomorrow night.
355
00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:46,568
Well, I will be a gobbler
of your cobbler.
356
00:13:46,570 --> 00:13:50,422
I am gonna stitch that
on a pillow.
357
00:13:52,492 --> 00:13:55,177
Oh, do you...
do you mind if I say grace?
358
00:13:55,179 --> 00:13:58,230
Oh.
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
359
00:13:58,232 --> 00:14:01,250
Uh, should I eat this unblessed
biscuit, or spit it out?
360
00:14:01,252 --> 00:14:02,551
Dear Lord,
361
00:14:02,553 --> 00:14:05,220
we thank you for
the food that we are
362
00:14:05,222 --> 00:14:08,057
about to receive,
and all of the other blessings
363
00:14:08,059 --> 00:14:10,109
that you have bestowed upon us.
364
00:14:10,111 --> 00:14:11,927
Hmm. That was beautiful.
365
00:14:11,929 --> 00:14:12,895
And we humbly ask
366
00:14:12,897 --> 00:14:15,097
that you help Alan and Walden
367
00:14:15,099 --> 00:14:16,615
find the path to righteousness.
368
00:14:16,617 --> 00:14:17,900
Wait.
369
00:14:17,902 --> 00:14:19,168
What?
370
00:14:19,170 --> 00:14:20,435
And lead them out
371
00:14:20,437 --> 00:14:23,939
of their sinful
homosexual lifestyles...
372
00:14:25,241 --> 00:14:26,742
...lest
373
00:14:26,744 --> 00:14:29,945
their souls burn
in the fiery pits of hell
374
00:14:29,947 --> 00:14:34,683
for all eternity
with all of the other Sodomites.
375
00:14:36,252 --> 00:14:37,669
Amen. Can I get
some sweet potatoes?
376
00:14:37,671 --> 00:14:39,872
Oh, sure.
377
00:14:40,924 --> 00:14:42,224
Alan?
378
00:14:42,226 --> 00:14:43,592
What? She already thinks
379
00:14:43,594 --> 00:14:46,345
we're gobbling
each others' cobblers.
380
00:14:49,983 --> 00:14:53,252
(humming)
381
00:14:53,254 --> 00:14:54,436
When you're finished
with that dish,
382
00:14:54,438 --> 00:14:56,071
just leave it,
and I'll take care of it.
383
00:14:56,073 --> 00:14:57,106
Oh, thank you, Colleen.
384
00:14:57,108 --> 00:14:58,323
No problem.
385
00:14:58,325 --> 00:15:00,526
I'm gonna go make the beds.
386
00:15:01,928 --> 00:15:03,579
I don't want
to spoil the surprise,
387
00:15:03,581 --> 00:15:05,864
but I'm pretty sure
she was carrying a little bag
388
00:15:05,866 --> 00:15:07,282
♪ of pillow chocolates.
389
00:15:07,284 --> 00:15:09,101
I have to admit,
she's pretty terrific.
390
00:15:09,103 --> 00:15:11,620
Right? I mean, she's
a good cook, she's punctual.
391
00:15:11,622 --> 00:15:13,355
She's accepting
of our lifestyle.
392
00:15:13,357 --> 00:15:18,527
There is no lifestyle to accept.
393
00:15:18,529 --> 00:15:20,212
But if things change,
it's nice to know
394
00:15:20,214 --> 00:15:21,797
we won't lose
a great housekeeper.
395
00:15:23,783 --> 00:15:26,085
(cell phone rings)
396
00:15:26,087 --> 00:15:27,469
That's-that's not me.
397
00:15:27,471 --> 00:15:28,871
Oh, uh, maybe it's Colleen.
398
00:15:28,873 --> 00:15:33,425
Um, Colleen?
399
00:15:33,427 --> 00:15:35,677
Oh, for the love of God,
just turn it off.
400
00:15:37,981 --> 00:15:39,965
Oh, dear.
401
00:15:39,967 --> 00:15:41,283
What?
402
00:15:41,285 --> 00:15:44,303
Look at this.
403
00:15:44,305 --> 00:15:45,687
Oh!
404
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,175
Okay, I'm-I'm sure there's
a logical explanation for this.
405
00:15:50,177 --> 00:15:52,211
I mean, she's a...
she's a single woman,
406
00:15:52,213 --> 00:15:54,179
probably just trying
to protect herself.
407
00:15:54,181 --> 00:15:56,364
So, what's this one for?
408
00:15:57,650 --> 00:16:00,068
She has two guns?
409
00:16:00,070 --> 00:16:02,337
Uh...
410
00:16:02,339 --> 00:16:05,207
I count four...
411
00:16:05,209 --> 00:16:08,093
and what looks like a shank.
412
00:16:08,095 --> 00:16:10,395
Okay, you get to fire this one.
413
00:16:10,397 --> 00:16:11,880
COLLEEN:
Did I hear my phone?
414
00:16:11,882 --> 00:16:14,049
(screaming)
415
00:16:15,151 --> 00:16:17,886
Alan has something
he'd like to tell you.
416
00:16:19,923 --> 00:16:21,723
I think I made
a pillow chocolate
417
00:16:21,725 --> 00:16:23,959
in my boys' huskies.
418
00:16:25,094 --> 00:16:28,080
Okay. Well,
our last housekeeper,
419
00:16:28,082 --> 00:16:30,082
um, cleaned.
Mm.
420
00:16:30,084 --> 00:16:31,917
And, uh, sometimes
cooked for us.
421
00:16:31,919 --> 00:16:33,702
Is that something that
you're comfortable with?
422
00:16:33,704 --> 00:16:36,021
Sure. What would you like me
to cook?
423
00:16:36,023 --> 00:16:38,073
Oh, I-I don't know.
424
00:16:38,075 --> 00:16:40,209
For breakfast, I like pancakes.
Mm-hmm.
425
00:16:40,211 --> 00:16:44,613
Of course. Pancakes!
426
00:16:44,615 --> 00:16:47,499
I'm... I'm-I'm sorry.
427
00:16:47,501 --> 00:16:48,934
You see
an African-American woman,
428
00:16:48,936 --> 00:16:50,636
and the first thing
you think is,
429
00:16:50,638 --> 00:16:52,888
"Aunt Jemima going to whip us up
some flapjacks."
430
00:16:52,890 --> 00:16:54,323
WALDEN:
Oh!
431
00:16:54,325 --> 00:16:56,058
No! No! No!
No, no. Um...
432
00:16:56,060 --> 00:16:57,943
Do I need
to bring my own bandana,
433
00:16:57,945 --> 00:17:00,279
or are you going
to supply me with one?
434
00:17:00,281 --> 00:17:02,147
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
We just, uh...
435
00:17:02,149 --> 00:17:03,815
You know, we really like pancakes.
Yeah.
436
00:17:03,817 --> 00:17:05,403
But, you know, I suppose
waffles are-are fine.
437
00:17:05,428 --> 00:17:06,236
Yeah, waffles.
438
00:17:06,237 --> 00:17:09,104
Chicken and waffles?
439
00:17:09,106 --> 00:17:10,956
You know what? Let's...
440
00:17:10,958 --> 00:17:12,658
Let's just forget
breakfast.
441
00:17:12,660 --> 00:17:14,626
I'll just... I'll
just have coffee.
442
00:17:14,628 --> 00:17:16,044
How do you take it?
443
00:17:16,046 --> 00:17:17,446
Bla...
444
00:17:19,716 --> 00:17:21,550
I prefer tea.
445
00:17:22,969 --> 00:17:25,821
Um, so, are you okay
with doing laundry?
446
00:17:25,823 --> 00:17:28,257
Yeah. And I suppose
you want me
447
00:17:28,259 --> 00:17:32,144
to separate the whites
from the colors.
448
00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:36,164
Um, but you are aware
449
00:17:36,166 --> 00:17:38,300
you're applying for a
job as a housekeeper?
450
00:17:38,302 --> 00:17:40,769
Oh, so, now I don't know
why I'm here?
451
00:17:41,637 --> 00:17:43,989
Um, I'm not sure you do.
452
00:17:43,991 --> 00:17:46,742
What?!
Okay, okay. Let's...
453
00:17:47,977 --> 00:17:49,428
Everybody just calm down.
454
00:17:49,430 --> 00:17:51,280
Oh, so now I've got to calm down
455
00:17:51,282 --> 00:17:53,749
just because I was diagnosed
with schizophrenia?!
456
00:17:54,984 --> 00:17:57,452
Can you believe
these fools, Donny?
457
00:18:03,927 --> 00:18:07,629
Okay, I think we have all
the information we need.
458
00:18:07,631 --> 00:18:10,115
Mm-hmm.
Um... we'll be in touch.
459
00:18:10,117 --> 00:18:12,434
Great.
460
00:18:12,436 --> 00:18:14,920
Let me know
if you need any references.
461
00:18:16,823 --> 00:18:19,007
Oh, you all have a lovely home.
462
00:18:19,009 --> 00:18:21,176
(laughs)
463
00:18:22,745 --> 00:18:25,964
Donny, come on now!
464
00:18:28,484 --> 00:18:30,736
No, no. You know what?
I changed my mind.
465
00:18:30,738 --> 00:18:32,537
I don't want to
talk to Berta.
466
00:18:32,539 --> 00:18:35,190
Too bad. You wouldn't let
a topless maid make your bed,
467
00:18:35,192 --> 00:18:36,959
and now you've got
to lie in it.
468
00:18:37,944 --> 00:18:40,429
All right, well, I am
not going to apologize.
469
00:18:40,431 --> 00:18:41,546
You won't have to.
470
00:18:41,548 --> 00:18:43,531
She said if you made
an effort and came to her,
471
00:18:43,533 --> 00:18:45,550
that she'd be more
than happy to apologize to you.
472
00:18:46,502 --> 00:18:49,137
Zippy says you
want to apologize.
473
00:18:50,340 --> 00:18:52,641
See what I did there?
Can we come in?
474
00:18:52,643 --> 00:18:54,593
No, place is a mess.
475
00:18:54,595 --> 00:18:57,746
I was a jerk
to my housekeeper, so she quit.
476
00:18:57,748 --> 00:18:59,798
Okay, that's it.
I'm out of here.
477
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,184
Oh, come on, Walden! Is it that
difficult to say you're sorry?
478
00:19:02,186 --> 00:19:04,436
It is when you have nothing
to say you're sorry for.
479
00:19:04,438 --> 00:19:07,022
Are you that clueless?
You hurt my feelings.
480
00:19:07,024 --> 00:19:10,158
You hurt my feelings,
and you smoked all my pot,
481
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,412
so I had no way of not feeling
what I was feeling.
482
00:19:14,914 --> 00:19:16,248
Okay, okay,
dialogue is good.
483
00:19:16,250 --> 00:19:18,083
Now let's see if we can find
some common ground.
484
00:19:18,085 --> 00:19:18,900
You're an idiot.
485
00:19:18,902 --> 00:19:20,335
Agree.
486
00:19:22,171 --> 00:19:25,540
Look, I... I...
487
00:19:25,542 --> 00:19:28,743
was trying to help you
because I care about you.
488
00:19:28,745 --> 00:19:31,430
Not because I see you
as a charity case.
489
00:19:31,432 --> 00:19:33,699
And I'm sorry if you got
the wrong impression.
490
00:19:33,701 --> 00:19:36,251
I'm sorry I overreacted.
491
00:19:36,253 --> 00:19:38,136
Besides, I was so high,
492
00:19:38,138 --> 00:19:41,023
I thought
you were a talking dragon.
493
00:19:44,894 --> 00:19:48,430
It is really good stuff.
494
00:19:48,432 --> 00:19:51,867
That's the stuff I give
my grandkids at Christmas.
495
00:19:53,169 --> 00:19:56,705
It's funny cause I get it
from a guy named Jesus.
496
00:19:58,324 --> 00:20:00,775
So, what do you say?
Will you come back?
497
00:20:00,777 --> 00:20:02,811
I don't know.
498
00:20:02,813 --> 00:20:04,946
You may be right.
499
00:20:04,948 --> 00:20:08,166
I might not be able
to do everything I used to do.
500
00:20:08,168 --> 00:20:10,552
Well, we'll work around it,
right?
501
00:20:10,554 --> 00:20:12,804
Oh, absolutely.
What-whatever it takes.
502
00:20:13,823 --> 00:20:15,057
Deal?
503
00:20:15,059 --> 00:20:16,708
Deal.
504
00:20:16,710 --> 00:20:18,793
Come on in, I'll make
you a cup of coffee.
505
00:20:18,795 --> 00:20:20,445
(laughing)
506
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:27,319
Not funny!
507
00:20:27,321 --> 00:20:29,187
Mm.
508
00:20:29,189 --> 00:20:31,406
(laughing)
509
00:20:35,578 --> 00:20:37,729
Still not funny!
510
00:20:48,806 --> 00:20:50,823
I'm glad you're back.
511
00:20:50,825 --> 00:20:54,160
Me, too, and I really appreciate
you getting me some help.
512
00:20:54,162 --> 00:20:56,246
It's the least
I could do.
513
00:20:56,248 --> 00:20:58,097
And I have to admit,
514
00:20:58,099 --> 00:20:59,882
Alan was right about
hiring a topless maid.
515
00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:02,051
Oh.
516
00:21:08,219 --> 00:21:11,805
If it wasn't in the hamper,
it's not going in the washer.
517
00:21:11,807 --> 00:21:14,140
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man