1
00:00:03,893 --> 00:00:04,893
Hey.
2
00:00:04,895 --> 00:00:05,944
Hey.
3
00:00:05,946 --> 00:00:07,362
What you working on?
4
00:00:07,364 --> 00:00:09,114
Anything interesting?
5
00:00:09,116 --> 00:00:10,615
Yeah, actually.
6
00:00:10,617 --> 00:00:12,067
I'm-I'm building a new algorithm
7
00:00:12,069 --> 00:00:13,068
that weights search results...
8
00:00:13,070 --> 00:00:15,053
I'm gonna get laid.
9
00:00:15,055 --> 00:00:18,273
Congratulations.
Which hand are you going to use?
10
00:00:18,275 --> 00:00:21,242
That's, uh... that's funny.
11
00:00:21,244 --> 00:00:23,277
Because, um, you know,
if someone were to look
12
00:00:23,279 --> 00:00:24,907
at the two of us,
they'd probably think
13
00:00:24,932 --> 00:00:26,917
I'd be the one sitting home,
on a Friday night
14
00:00:26,942 --> 00:00:29,094
babbling on about
some geek nonsense,
15
00:00:29,095 --> 00:00:30,846
and you'd be the one
going out to,
16
00:00:30,848 --> 00:00:33,498
you know, get laid.
17
00:00:33,500 --> 00:00:36,551
Who's the "lucky lady"?
18
00:00:36,553 --> 00:00:37,636
Lyndsey is the lucky...
19
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,054
getting "laid-y."
20
00:00:39,056 --> 00:00:41,907
Doesn't it bother you
that after she's with you,
21
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,859
she goes home
to her more handsome,
22
00:00:43,861 --> 00:00:45,160
successful boyfriend?
23
00:00:45,162 --> 00:00:47,029
Why? I do the same thing.
24
00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:53,185
How did Lyndsey end up with him?
25
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:55,704
Well, how did I end up with him?
26
00:00:55,706 --> 00:00:57,739
Hey, Walden.
27
00:00:57,741 --> 00:00:58,890
Hey.
28
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:01,593
Michaela, Heidi,
Sarah, this is Walden.
29
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,695
He's super hot, super rich
and super single.
30
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,882
These are my friends,
and we are all super high.
31
00:01:06,884 --> 00:01:08,717
Nice to meet you.
32
00:01:08,719 --> 00:01:10,168
Hi.
Nice house.
33
00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:13,204
(laughing):
I am so wasted.
34
00:01:14,173 --> 00:01:15,524
What are you guys doing tonight?
35
00:01:15,526 --> 00:01:17,175
Oh, we're gonna play poker.
36
00:01:17,177 --> 00:01:18,360
You want to join?
37
00:01:18,362 --> 00:01:19,928
Yeah, come play with us!
38
00:01:19,930 --> 00:01:23,098
It'll be fun.
I am so wasted.
39
00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:26,334
You know what, I-I actually
have a lot of work to do,
40
00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:28,103
and need to get
to bed early, but...
41
00:01:28,105 --> 00:01:29,721
you guys have fun.
42
00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:32,741
(gasps) We should
play strip poker.
43
00:01:32,743 --> 00:01:33,842
Yes.
44
00:01:33,844 --> 00:01:36,061
All right, ante up.
45
00:01:37,780 --> 00:01:39,731
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
46
00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:41,976
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
47
00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:46,001
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x04 ♪
Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
Original Air Date on October 17, 2013
48
00:01:46,026 --> 00:01:51,026
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
49
00:01:52,014 --> 00:01:53,315
Hey.
50
00:01:53,317 --> 00:01:55,200
All right,
let's get it over with.
51
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:59,054
Tell me all the disturbing
details of how you "got laid."
52
00:01:59,056 --> 00:02:00,906
She never showed.
53
00:02:00,908 --> 00:02:03,475
She couldn't get away from
Larry, so I spent half the night
54
00:02:03,477 --> 00:02:06,378
waiting for her
in the parking lot of an ampm.
55
00:02:08,264 --> 00:02:10,632
Wow, I'm actually enjoying
one of your stories.
56
00:02:10,634 --> 00:02:12,217
Please, continue.
57
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:14,469
But on the plus side,
58
00:02:14,471 --> 00:02:16,972
at 12:01, all the donuts
became half price.
59
00:02:16,974 --> 00:02:19,708
By 12:19, I-I had made friends
with the guy
60
00:02:19,710 --> 00:02:22,444
who lives
in the men's room, Raul.
61
00:02:22,446 --> 00:02:23,928
Is he looking for a roommate?
62
00:02:25,181 --> 00:02:27,365
You laugh, but he actually
turned the changing table
63
00:02:27,367 --> 00:02:29,184
into a Murphy bed.
64
00:02:29,186 --> 00:02:31,820
I'm sorry,
but if I remember correctly,
65
00:02:31,822 --> 00:02:33,321
last night, you were pretty sure
66
00:02:33,323 --> 00:02:35,757
that you were going
to "get laid."
67
00:02:36,943 --> 00:02:39,411
But, in fact,
you didn't "get laid."
68
00:02:39,413 --> 00:02:40,611
Are you done?
69
00:02:40,613 --> 00:02:42,998
Are you done not "getting laid"?
70
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,249
(sighs)
71
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:45,767
Seriously,
why are you doing this?
72
00:02:45,769 --> 00:02:47,268
Because I get
to have sex with Lyndsey.
73
00:02:47,270 --> 00:02:48,970
But you didn't have sex.
74
00:02:48,972 --> 00:02:50,772
You ended up shame-eating
stale donuts
75
00:02:50,774 --> 00:02:53,858
and talking to a homeless guy
in a men's room.
76
00:02:53,860 --> 00:02:56,761
They were not stale,
and Raul has a name.
77
00:02:56,763 --> 00:02:58,663
You can't let Lyndsey
treat you like this.
78
00:02:58,665 --> 00:02:59,797
You deserve better.
79
00:02:59,799 --> 00:03:03,218
I know.
Raul said the same thing.
80
00:03:03,220 --> 00:03:05,503
Well, I had a great night
last night.
81
00:03:05,505 --> 00:03:07,072
I ended up playing strip poker
82
00:03:07,074 --> 00:03:08,907
with four incredibly
beautiful women.
83
00:03:08,909 --> 00:03:10,825
Oh, yeah,
I've been on that site.
84
00:03:10,827 --> 00:03:13,111
No, it was Jenny
and her friends.
85
00:03:13,113 --> 00:03:15,313
What a sec, is that
the charge on my card
86
00:03:15,315 --> 00:03:17,832
for TexasSqueezeEm.com?
87
00:03:20,469 --> 00:03:22,771
Wait, you played strip poker
with my niece?
88
00:03:22,773 --> 00:03:24,823
She was the dealer.
89
00:03:24,825 --> 00:03:26,925
But she did flop a great pair.
90
00:03:26,927 --> 00:03:29,127
Walden, Jenny is family.
91
00:03:29,129 --> 00:03:30,328
If you cross that line,
92
00:03:30,330 --> 00:03:32,097
I am not gonna be
your friend anymore.
93
00:03:32,099 --> 00:03:33,498
I mean, I'm still
gonna live here,
94
00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:35,183
but I'm not gonna be
your friend anymore.
95
00:03:35,185 --> 00:03:37,018
Relax, it was harmless fun.
96
00:03:37,020 --> 00:03:38,186
JENNY:
Hey!
97
00:03:38,188 --> 00:03:40,805
Look who's got his clothes on.
Uh...
98
00:03:40,807 --> 00:03:42,490
I had clothes on last night.
99
00:03:42,492 --> 00:03:44,008
Yeah, you were wearing a sock.
100
00:03:44,010 --> 00:03:45,843
And not on your foot.
101
00:03:46,662 --> 00:03:48,113
It looked like Santa filled
102
00:03:48,115 --> 00:03:51,015
a stocking
at Elton John's house.
103
00:03:51,017 --> 00:03:52,283
"Harmless fun"?
104
00:03:52,285 --> 00:03:55,236
No, she did not see
Bennie or the Jets.
105
00:03:56,806 --> 00:03:58,673
Hey, we're gonna
hang out again tonight
106
00:03:58,675 --> 00:04:00,709
if you want to join us.
Yeah, sure.
107
00:04:00,711 --> 00:04:02,160
Cool. I'll see you at 11:00.
108
00:04:02,162 --> 00:04:03,144
What, 11:00?
109
00:04:03,146 --> 00:04:04,579
What is it, New Year's Eve?
110
00:04:04,581 --> 00:04:05,880
(laughs)
111
00:04:05,882 --> 00:04:07,632
Bring your sock.
112
00:04:08,701 --> 00:04:11,036
You're not really going out
with them, are you?
113
00:04:11,038 --> 00:04:13,038
Is this about Jenny?
Will you stop it?
114
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:16,307
I'm not the creepy guy who wants
to sleep with your niece.
115
00:04:16,309 --> 00:04:18,059
I'm the creepy guy
who wants to sleep
116
00:04:18,061 --> 00:04:19,677
with your niece's friends.
117
00:04:19,679 --> 00:04:21,429
And don't you think
that's a little sad?
118
00:04:21,431 --> 00:04:23,515
I mean, a 35-year-old man
hanging out with a bunch
119
00:04:23,517 --> 00:04:26,151
of hot young girls who just want
to drink, party, get naked...
120
00:04:26,153 --> 00:04:27,852
and anything I say
after this point
121
00:04:27,854 --> 00:04:29,604
doesn't really matter, does it?
122
00:04:29,606 --> 00:04:30,638
It doesn't.
123
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,056
I've never had this in my life.
124
00:04:32,058 --> 00:04:34,826
Wh-When I was her age, I'd
already dropped out of M.I.T.,
125
00:04:34,828 --> 00:04:36,928
gotten married
and started my own business.
126
00:04:36,930 --> 00:04:39,414
I was delivering pizza,
going to junior college
127
00:04:39,416 --> 00:04:40,949
and dating a melon.
128
00:04:40,951 --> 00:04:43,918
Oh, God!
129
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,337
I called her my little honeydew.
130
00:04:51,460 --> 00:04:52,494
Walden?
131
00:04:52,496 --> 00:04:53,461
I'm up. Let's party.
132
00:04:53,463 --> 00:04:55,230
Jagerbombs,
bottle service.
133
00:04:56,532 --> 00:04:58,867
What's going on? I thought you
were going out with the girls.
134
00:04:58,869 --> 00:05:01,469
I am, but not until 11:00.
135
00:05:01,471 --> 00:05:04,472
What is it... 9:00?
136
00:05:04,474 --> 00:05:06,274
How can I be so sleepy?
137
00:05:06,276 --> 00:05:08,926
I've already had two naps
and three Red Bulls.
138
00:05:08,928 --> 00:05:11,496
Uh, my brother Charlie had a
great trick for staying awake.
139
00:05:11,498 --> 00:05:13,631
Two hookers and an eight ball.
140
00:05:13,633 --> 00:05:15,467
I'll pass.
141
00:05:15,469 --> 00:05:16,618
What's with the bag?
142
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:19,621
Oh, my God,
are you moving in with Raul?
143
00:05:20,873 --> 00:05:23,274
No, Lyndsey felt guilty
about last night
144
00:05:23,276 --> 00:05:24,709
and Larry is on a business trip,
145
00:05:24,711 --> 00:05:26,828
so she is treating me
to a romantic rendezvous
146
00:05:26,830 --> 00:05:29,430
at a four-star hotel
at the beach.
147
00:05:29,432 --> 00:05:30,582
Oh, come on, man.
148
00:05:30,584 --> 00:05:32,417
She's treating you
like a piece of meat.
149
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:34,552
I know, it's great.
150
00:05:34,554 --> 00:05:37,555
Plus, I have already masturbated
so I can hit the sweet spot
151
00:05:37,557 --> 00:05:41,009
between "you're done already?"
and "enough already."
152
00:05:41,011 --> 00:05:43,178
Enough already.
153
00:05:43,180 --> 00:05:44,579
Don't worry, I'll talk to her.
154
00:05:44,581 --> 00:05:45,847
Okay, well, good luck.
155
00:05:45,849 --> 00:05:47,465
And give Lyndsey my best.
156
00:05:47,467 --> 00:05:49,517
Sure, right after
I give her my best.
157
00:05:49,519 --> 00:05:51,569
Boo-ya!
158
00:05:54,973 --> 00:05:56,441
Hi.
159
00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:59,427
Oh, so you did decide
to show up tonight.
160
00:05:59,429 --> 00:06:01,812
I know. Sorry I'm late.
161
00:06:01,814 --> 00:06:02,864
It's fine.
162
00:06:02,866 --> 00:06:06,000
You just turned happy hour
into miffed hour.
163
00:06:06,002 --> 00:06:08,953
And four-dollar pot stickers
into eight-dollar pot stickers.
164
00:06:08,955 --> 00:06:11,656
Well, the important
thing is I'm here now,
165
00:06:11,658 --> 00:06:13,208
and you look really
nice tonight.
166
00:06:13,210 --> 00:06:15,009
Did you do something
different with your hair?
167
00:06:15,011 --> 00:06:16,294
You don't have to flatter me.
168
00:06:16,296 --> 00:06:18,596
You know I'm gonna give it up.
169
00:06:18,598 --> 00:06:20,632
But we do need to talk.
170
00:06:20,634 --> 00:06:22,684
I said I was sorry.
171
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:24,302
It's not just that;
it's everything.
172
00:06:24,304 --> 00:06:25,637
It's the...
it's the sneaking around,
173
00:06:25,639 --> 00:06:28,556
it's the curt texts,
it's the going Dutch.
174
00:06:28,558 --> 00:06:31,025
Alan, you know this
is complicated.
175
00:06:31,027 --> 00:06:32,327
I have a boyfriend.
176
00:06:32,329 --> 00:06:33,511
Yes, and I have feelings.
177
00:06:33,513 --> 00:06:35,313
And I am feeling disrespected.
178
00:06:35,315 --> 00:06:38,349
I hear you, and
I will work harder
179
00:06:38,351 --> 00:06:40,535
to make sure that you don't
feel taken for granted.
180
00:06:40,537 --> 00:06:41,903
Thank you.
181
00:06:41,905 --> 00:06:44,689
Now, why don't we
go up to our room
182
00:06:44,691 --> 00:06:47,075
and respectfully
disrespect each other?
183
00:06:47,077 --> 00:06:49,010
Ooh, someone wants a spanking.
184
00:06:49,012 --> 00:06:50,495
I know.
185
00:06:50,497 --> 00:06:52,013
Can it be me this time?
186
00:06:52,015 --> 00:06:54,249
Oh, yeah, we can play
naughty school girl
187
00:06:54,251 --> 00:06:56,084
and no-nonsense math teacher.
188
00:06:56,086 --> 00:06:57,168
Oh, no.
189
00:06:57,170 --> 00:07:00,688
Oh, yes, 138 divided
by two is 69.
190
00:07:00,690 --> 00:07:02,373
No.
191
00:07:02,375 --> 00:07:03,374
It's Stephanie Chapman.
192
00:07:03,376 --> 00:07:04,709
Shh. Maybe she
won't see us.
193
00:07:04,711 --> 00:07:06,561
Lyndsey, Alan!
194
00:07:06,563 --> 00:07:08,646
Stephanie, hi.
195
00:07:08,648 --> 00:07:10,865
Oh, wow, uh, l-look at you,
you look great.
196
00:07:10,867 --> 00:07:14,485
I should. I got the Lap-Band,
and I dropped 172 pounds.
197
00:07:14,487 --> 00:07:15,720
Oh.
Good for you.
198
00:07:15,722 --> 00:07:17,238
Hold your applause till the end.
199
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,439
This is the end.
200
00:07:19,725 --> 00:07:20,891
So, what are you two doing here?
201
00:07:20,893 --> 00:07:21,943
Oh, well...
There...
202
00:07:21,945 --> 00:07:23,194
Are you guys back together?
203
00:07:23,196 --> 00:07:24,646
No, no, we're just...
Did you split up with Larry?
204
00:07:24,648 --> 00:07:26,381
No, Alan and I are
just friends and...
205
00:07:26,383 --> 00:07:27,532
Wine, hotel?
206
00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:30,385
(singsongy):
I smell a hookup.
207
00:07:30,387 --> 00:07:33,204
Oh, we are... we are
definitely not together.
208
00:07:33,206 --> 00:07:35,873
Wh-What you smell are
eight-dollar pot stickers.
209
00:07:37,009 --> 00:07:38,326
So, wh-what brings you here?
210
00:07:38,328 --> 00:07:41,629
Uh, there is a singles' mixer,
and this former fatty
211
00:07:41,631 --> 00:07:43,998
is looking for a sugar daddy.
212
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,150
Make sure he's
a-a sugar-free daddy.
213
00:07:46,152 --> 00:07:47,418
(giggles)
214
00:07:47,420 --> 00:07:50,104
You are adorable.
I could just eat you up.
215
00:07:50,106 --> 00:07:52,840
I don't know, I'd probably
just taste like chicken.
216
00:07:52,842 --> 00:07:56,927
Mmm, I'll bring the biscuits
and you bring the gravy.
217
00:07:59,064 --> 00:08:02,150
Okay, I'm gonna leave
you two "friends" alone.
218
00:08:02,152 --> 00:08:05,102
Hashtag "suspicious."
219
00:08:05,104 --> 00:08:06,487
Great seeing you.
220
00:08:06,489 --> 00:08:07,605
You, too.
Oh, take care.
221
00:08:07,607 --> 00:08:08,690
I know you're gonna hate
222
00:08:08,692 --> 00:08:10,491
to see me go,
but you're gonna love
223
00:08:10,493 --> 00:08:12,910
watching me walk away.
224
00:08:12,912 --> 00:08:14,912
Oh, God.
225
00:08:14,914 --> 00:08:16,764
She is the most annoying woman
on the planet.
226
00:08:16,766 --> 00:08:18,383
Yeah, she is horrible.
227
00:08:18,385 --> 00:08:19,801
You have to go
out with her.
228
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:20,885
Hmm? What?
229
00:08:20,887 --> 00:08:21,836
She totally suspects
230
00:08:21,838 --> 00:08:23,087
we're having an affair.
231
00:08:23,089 --> 00:08:24,672
The only way to convince
her we're not a couple
232
00:08:24,674 --> 00:08:25,840
is for you to ask her out.
233
00:08:25,842 --> 00:08:27,091
No.
234
00:08:27,093 --> 00:08:28,092
Forget her stomach.
235
00:08:28,094 --> 00:08:30,278
They should've stapled
her mouth shut.
236
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:31,462
That's exactly the problem.
237
00:08:31,464 --> 00:08:32,647
She'll tell Larry.
238
00:08:32,649 --> 00:08:35,016
Oh-oh, no, no, there-there has
to be an easier way.
239
00:08:35,018 --> 00:08:36,150
Can't I just kill her?
240
00:08:36,152 --> 00:08:38,770
It'd be a much smaller grave
to dig now.
241
00:08:38,772 --> 00:08:41,472
I'm serious, if you ever want
to have sex with me again,
242
00:08:41,474 --> 00:08:42,707
you will ask her out.
243
00:08:42,709 --> 00:08:44,359
Oh, fine, fine,
I'll-I'll ask her out.
244
00:08:44,361 --> 00:08:45,526
Now let's go upstairs.
245
00:08:45,528 --> 00:08:46,977
Oh, it's not gonna happen.
246
00:08:46,979 --> 00:08:47,978
She's right over there.
247
00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:48,963
I'm going home.
248
00:08:48,965 --> 00:08:50,331
But-but I thought
we were gonna...
249
00:08:50,333 --> 00:08:52,166
Good-bye.
250
00:08:53,085 --> 00:08:55,203
(huffs)
251
00:09:07,750 --> 00:09:10,685
(laughter, clamoring)
252
00:09:10,687 --> 00:09:13,988
Wow, this is a beautiful house!
253
00:09:13,990 --> 00:09:15,390
Who lives here?
254
00:09:15,392 --> 00:09:16,858
You do.
255
00:09:16,860 --> 00:09:19,093
Whoa, I must be rich!
256
00:09:19,095 --> 00:09:20,645
You are.
257
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:21,829
Oh, yeah!
258
00:09:21,831 --> 00:09:24,032
Whoa, my fingers are glowing!
259
00:09:24,034 --> 00:09:27,785
I'm so rich I have
rainbow fingers!
260
00:09:27,787 --> 00:09:29,737
Hey, let's get some music going.
261
00:09:29,739 --> 00:09:31,155
Yeah!
Yeah!
262
00:09:31,157 --> 00:09:33,107
Oh!
263
00:09:33,109 --> 00:09:36,577
This is the greatest
song I've ever heard!
264
00:09:36,579 --> 00:09:38,863
Walden? Jenny?
265
00:09:38,865 --> 00:09:40,348
It-it's 3:00
in the morning.
266
00:09:40,350 --> 00:09:42,517
I know, and I'm still awake!
267
00:09:42,519 --> 00:09:45,002
And I'm still wasted!
268
00:09:45,004 --> 00:09:47,188
Oh, no, your fingers
aren't glowing!
269
00:09:47,190 --> 00:09:49,507
Oh, that's because he's poor.
270
00:09:50,676 --> 00:09:53,761
Oh, I am sorry, Alan.
271
00:09:53,763 --> 00:09:55,930
Whoa!
272
00:09:55,932 --> 00:09:57,815
Your skin is so soft.
273
00:09:57,817 --> 00:10:00,234
Guys, feel Alan's skin.
It's so soft.
274
00:10:00,236 --> 00:10:01,636
Whoa!
It's so soft.
275
00:10:01,638 --> 00:10:03,004
It's so soft.
Okay, okay, okay!
276
00:10:03,006 --> 00:10:04,505
Everybody stop touching me.
277
00:10:04,507 --> 00:10:06,056
Except you.
278
00:10:07,025 --> 00:10:08,326
Hi. I'm Alan.
279
00:10:08,328 --> 00:10:11,546
Alan, I'm high.
280
00:10:11,548 --> 00:10:13,381
What-what is going on?
281
00:10:13,383 --> 00:10:15,083
Oh, Alan, we were at a party,
282
00:10:15,085 --> 00:10:16,484
and we were drinking
and smoking,
283
00:10:16,486 --> 00:10:19,921
and then I ate a tiny pill
off of someone's nipple.
284
00:10:19,923 --> 00:10:21,823
It was like a nipple
Pez dispenser.
285
00:10:21,825 --> 00:10:24,241
Okay, okay, it's time
for the party to end,
286
00:10:24,243 --> 00:10:25,726
and everybody
to just sleep this off.
287
00:10:25,728 --> 00:10:27,695
Yeah, Alan's right.
288
00:10:27,697 --> 00:10:30,531
We should get naked and
go skinny-dipping in the ocean!
289
00:10:30,533 --> 00:10:32,066
Yeah, Sarah's right.
Come on.
290
00:10:32,068 --> 00:10:35,470
(women whooping)
291
00:10:35,472 --> 00:10:38,322
Ha-ha! Yes!
292
00:10:41,527 --> 00:10:44,094
He's going skinny-dipping
with the hot chicks,
293
00:10:44,096 --> 00:10:47,097
and my girlfriend's
banging another dude.
294
00:10:47,099 --> 00:10:49,233
Can you throw me a bone, God?
295
00:10:49,235 --> 00:10:50,368
(thumping nearby)
296
00:10:50,370 --> 00:10:52,770
Oh, I didn't forget
about you, Alan.
297
00:10:52,772 --> 00:10:55,456
There's a new melon
in the fridge.
298
00:11:05,501 --> 00:11:08,469
(chuckles)
299
00:11:08,471 --> 00:11:09,837
Oh, crap.
300
00:11:09,839 --> 00:11:13,057
♪ Men. ♪
301
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:24,109
Don't be naked, don't be naked.
302
00:11:24,111 --> 00:11:27,330
Damn.
303
00:11:27,332 --> 00:11:29,882
Don't be naked,
don't be naked.
304
00:11:29,884 --> 00:11:31,484
Damn.
305
00:11:32,419 --> 00:11:34,687
Damn!
306
00:11:36,773 --> 00:11:38,424
Whoa!
307
00:11:39,643 --> 00:11:41,644
Whoa.
308
00:11:43,347 --> 00:11:45,898
Whoa!
309
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:47,350
Morning.
310
00:11:47,352 --> 00:11:48,967
We're naked.
311
00:11:48,969 --> 00:11:49,968
Yes, we are.
312
00:11:49,970 --> 00:11:51,520
How did we get here?
313
00:11:51,522 --> 00:11:52,971
The last thing
I remember
314
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:54,640
was asking some chick,
315
00:11:54,642 --> 00:11:57,109
"Can you mix these
with alcohol?"
316
00:11:57,111 --> 00:11:59,578
Apparently the answer is no.
317
00:11:59,580 --> 00:12:02,365
Okay, 'cause the...
'cause the last thing I remember
318
00:12:02,367 --> 00:12:04,500
is you looking
in a mirror saying,
319
00:12:04,502 --> 00:12:06,752
"Can we mix these with alcohol""
320
00:12:06,754 --> 00:12:08,087
(laughs)
Don't worry.
321
00:12:08,089 --> 00:12:09,154
Nothing could've happened.
322
00:12:09,156 --> 00:12:10,339
I'm gay.
323
00:12:11,174 --> 00:12:12,675
Ah, that's right.
324
00:12:12,677 --> 00:12:15,160
You're gay.
(laughs)
325
00:12:15,162 --> 00:12:16,178
Wait.
326
00:12:16,180 --> 00:12:17,213
How gay?
327
00:12:17,215 --> 00:12:19,382
Like, one being,
"Yay, it's college!"
328
00:12:19,384 --> 00:12:22,668
Or ten being,
"I'm going Subaru shopping
329
00:12:22,670 --> 00:12:24,887
with Ellen and Rosie."
330
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:27,857
I'm closer to a nine.
331
00:12:27,859 --> 00:12:29,275
I mean, I make my own soap,
332
00:12:29,277 --> 00:12:30,893
but I don't sell it
at the Lilith Fair.
333
00:12:30,895 --> 00:12:33,195
Oh, great, great.
334
00:12:33,197 --> 00:12:34,230
I mean, granted you're prettier
335
00:12:34,232 --> 00:12:35,781
than a lot of the women
I've dated,
336
00:12:35,783 --> 00:12:38,768
ut you have an outie
and I'm into innies.
337
00:12:38,770 --> 00:12:40,569
Okay, okay,
so we didn't have sex.
338
00:12:40,571 --> 00:12:42,071
That is a load off.
339
00:12:42,073 --> 00:12:43,639
Uh, that's a poor choice
of words.
340
00:12:43,641 --> 00:12:47,460
Although sometimes
I date an innie
341
00:12:47,462 --> 00:12:49,512
who has an outtie in her purse.
342
00:12:49,514 --> 00:12:52,114
What is that supposed to mean?
343
00:12:52,116 --> 00:12:55,868
I don't know,
I'm just saying it's possible.
344
00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:57,970
Oh, God, if Alan finds out,
he's gonna freak out.
345
00:12:57,972 --> 00:12:59,839
He won't move out,
but he will freak out.
346
00:12:59,841 --> 00:13:01,373
Okay, settle down.
347
00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:03,759
We don't even know if there's
anything to freak out about.
348
00:13:03,761 --> 00:13:04,927
(stammers)
Hello.
349
00:13:04,929 --> 00:13:06,879
Hello.
Stop that!
350
00:13:07,814 --> 00:13:09,031
We got to figure out what to do.
351
00:13:09,033 --> 00:13:10,433
Okay, what we're gonna do
352
00:13:10,435 --> 00:13:12,701
is never talk about this again.
353
00:13:12,703 --> 00:13:14,069
So, you're just saying deny
354
00:13:14,071 --> 00:13:16,021
that we ever woke up
in bed naked together?
355
00:13:16,023 --> 00:13:18,407
I have a motto
for situations like this.
356
00:13:18,409 --> 00:13:20,443
What happens in Jenny,
357
00:13:20,445 --> 00:13:22,611
stays in Jenny.
358
00:13:26,016 --> 00:13:28,667
So, I was really surprised
you called me.
359
00:13:28,669 --> 00:13:32,521
Well, I-I couldn't get
your voice out of my head.
360
00:13:32,523 --> 00:13:34,974
You're not the first one
to say that.
361
00:13:34,976 --> 00:13:38,043
There it goes again.
362
00:13:38,045 --> 00:13:41,096
No, I was surprised
because I was vibing there was
363
00:13:41,098 --> 00:13:43,215
definitely something going on
between you and Lyndsey.
364
00:13:43,217 --> 00:13:44,800
No, we're-we're just friends.
365
00:13:44,802 --> 00:13:46,469
And-and barely that.
366
00:13:47,604 --> 00:13:49,522
She's a drunk, you know?
367
00:13:49,524 --> 00:13:51,056
Oh, believe me, I know.
368
00:13:51,058 --> 00:13:52,591
You should hear wine bottles
in her trash bins
369
00:13:52,593 --> 00:13:53,826
on Friday morning.
Mm-hmm.
370
00:13:53,828 --> 00:13:56,479
I mean, clank, clank,
drunken skank!
371
00:13:56,481 --> 00:13:58,848
Yeah, she's a whore, too.
372
00:13:58,850 --> 00:14:01,817
I don't know
why she ever let you go.
373
00:14:01,819 --> 00:14:03,819
You are quite the catch.
374
00:14:03,821 --> 00:14:05,905
Uh, I know I present that way,
375
00:14:05,907 --> 00:14:07,890
but I'm more catch and release.
376
00:14:07,892 --> 00:14:10,042
Well, I am not releasing.
377
00:14:10,044 --> 00:14:11,327
(high-pitched whoosh)
378
00:14:11,329 --> 00:14:12,995
(clicks tongue)
379
00:14:15,582 --> 00:14:17,950
(laughs)
380
00:14:19,169 --> 00:14:20,903
You are so cute.
381
00:14:20,905 --> 00:14:23,055
Thank you.
Uh, you're not eating your food.
382
00:14:23,057 --> 00:14:24,373
Do you not like Souplantation?
383
00:14:24,375 --> 00:14:27,176
No, I love it,
but since the surgery,
384
00:14:27,178 --> 00:14:30,346
I can't eat a portion
larger than my fist.
385
00:14:31,464 --> 00:14:32,631
But don't worry.
386
00:14:32,633 --> 00:14:34,817
That only applies to food.
387
00:14:40,323 --> 00:14:44,159
How are you still single?
388
00:14:49,332 --> 00:14:50,783
Hey.
389
00:14:50,785 --> 00:14:52,635
Hey.
390
00:14:52,637 --> 00:14:54,670
So, listen.
391
00:14:54,672 --> 00:14:58,357
Uh, about that thing
that didn't happen...
392
00:14:59,843 --> 00:15:03,312
I have a way to figure out
if it happened.
393
00:15:03,314 --> 00:15:06,298
I'm not peeing on any sticks.
394
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:07,967
No.
395
00:15:07,969 --> 00:15:10,920
There is a camera in my room.
396
00:15:10,922 --> 00:15:12,371
(sighs)
397
00:15:12,373 --> 00:15:15,024
And that's why
I don't sleep with guys.
398
00:15:15,026 --> 00:15:16,559
It was your dad's.
399
00:15:16,561 --> 00:15:18,510
And that's why I drink.
400
00:15:20,363 --> 00:15:23,515
So we could watch the video back
401
00:15:23,517 --> 00:15:25,184
and know for sure.
402
00:15:25,186 --> 00:15:26,919
Or...
403
00:15:26,921 --> 00:15:28,370
we could erase it
404
00:15:28,372 --> 00:15:32,190
and continue to deny
that anything ever happened.
405
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:34,677
Play it.
406
00:15:34,679 --> 00:15:36,128
Ah, damn it.
407
00:15:36,130 --> 00:15:38,013
I was sure you were
gonna say erase it.
408
00:15:38,015 --> 00:15:39,248
No, I want to watch it.
409
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:41,517
It'll be like a quarterback
watching game film.
410
00:15:41,519 --> 00:15:44,153
Only the quarterback's
a lesbian.
411
00:15:44,155 --> 00:15:46,805
And the game's boning a dude.
412
00:15:46,807 --> 00:15:48,357
Exactly.
413
00:15:48,359 --> 00:15:49,775
Okay.
414
00:15:51,394 --> 00:15:53,462
Here we go.
415
00:15:53,464 --> 00:15:54,546
(sighs)
416
00:15:54,548 --> 00:15:56,432
Wait!
Erase it?
417
00:15:56,434 --> 00:15:57,883
No, I want to make popcorn.
418
00:16:00,103 --> 00:16:03,405
So both of my ex-husbands
turned out to be gay.
419
00:16:03,407 --> 00:16:06,542
But the weird thing is...
is after I divorced them,
420
00:16:06,544 --> 00:16:08,611
they both turned straight again.
421
00:16:08,613 --> 00:16:10,412
What are the odds?
422
00:16:10,414 --> 00:16:12,615
Uh, well, this has been great.
423
00:16:12,617 --> 00:16:14,733
Whoa, somebody's fresh.
424
00:16:14,735 --> 00:16:16,201
(laughs)
425
00:16:18,138 --> 00:16:19,505
Come on in.
426
00:16:19,507 --> 00:16:21,707
I would love to take
you up on that,
427
00:16:21,709 --> 00:16:23,125
but, you know,
it's, uh....
428
00:16:23,127 --> 00:16:25,794
6:45...
429
00:16:25,796 --> 00:16:28,714
and, uh, I have
got to go home
430
00:16:28,716 --> 00:16:29,965
and, uh, hit the hay.
431
00:16:29,967 --> 00:16:31,400
Oh, I have hay here.
432
00:16:31,402 --> 00:16:34,586
And I will definitely
let you "hit it."
433
00:16:34,588 --> 00:16:36,055
That is tempting.
434
00:16:36,057 --> 00:16:38,590
Uh, and I am definitely
gonna have to come
435
00:16:38,592 --> 00:16:42,411
to terms with that while
I'm in the monastery.
436
00:16:42,413 --> 00:16:43,729
All right, I get it.
437
00:16:43,731 --> 00:16:45,263
You're making excuses
438
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:46,932
because you're still
in love with Lyndsey.
439
00:16:46,934 --> 00:16:48,751
God, no, we're-we're
just friends.
440
00:16:48,753 --> 00:16:50,753
Yeah, and I didn't
just fart in your car.
441
00:16:52,122 --> 00:16:54,439
It's fine, okay?
I get it.
442
00:16:54,441 --> 00:16:57,092
I just feel bad
for her boyfriend.
443
00:16:57,094 --> 00:16:58,661
(groans) Wait!
444
00:16:58,663 --> 00:17:00,796
Uh, if-if I was still
in love with Lyndsey,
445
00:17:00,798 --> 00:17:02,247
would I do this?
446
00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:05,751
Wow.
447
00:17:05,753 --> 00:17:08,637
Do that again, but keep
your eyes open and say my name.
448
00:17:10,306 --> 00:17:11,456
(muffled):
Stephanie?
449
00:17:11,458 --> 00:17:12,658
(both grunt)
450
00:17:17,130 --> 00:17:18,430
Are you sure about this?
451
00:17:18,432 --> 00:17:20,983
Because once we see it,
we can't un-see it.
452
00:17:20,985 --> 00:17:22,985
Yeah, worst-case
scenario, it's a video
453
00:17:22,987 --> 00:17:25,187
of two hot people
having sex.
454
00:17:25,189 --> 00:17:27,940
Well, I'm just gonna say...
455
00:17:27,942 --> 00:17:30,142
if I had sex with one Harper
in this house,
456
00:17:30,144 --> 00:17:31,810
thank God it was you.
457
00:17:33,913 --> 00:17:36,648
(groans) Okay.
458
00:17:36,650 --> 00:17:40,352
Oh, this is not
a good start.
459
00:17:40,354 --> 00:17:43,539
♪ Bow chicka bow wow.
460
00:17:43,541 --> 00:17:47,009
Oh, having sex with a guy
in my dad's bed.
461
00:17:47,011 --> 00:17:49,511
Paging Dr. Freud, huh?
462
00:17:49,513 --> 00:17:51,463
You know what?
Let's just go back to denial.
463
00:17:51,465 --> 00:17:52,514
No, wait, wait!
464
00:17:52,516 --> 00:17:54,166
Wait, that is not me.
465
00:17:54,168 --> 00:17:57,335
I don't have a Fred
Flintstone tattoo.
466
00:17:57,337 --> 00:17:59,538
Well, if that's not you,
then who is she?
467
00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:03,726
You're the one
yabba-dabba-doin' her.
468
00:18:05,344 --> 00:18:07,012
I don't know who that is.
469
00:18:07,014 --> 00:18:08,814
God, I love living
at the beach.
470
00:18:08,816 --> 00:18:10,149
Mmm.
471
00:18:10,151 --> 00:18:11,150
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!
472
00:18:11,152 --> 00:18:12,484
That's Heidi!
473
00:18:12,486 --> 00:18:14,119
You banged Heidi.
Really?
474
00:18:14,121 --> 00:18:15,537
Yes! Good going.
475
00:18:15,539 --> 00:18:16,872
(grunts)
476
00:18:16,874 --> 00:18:17,906
(laughs)
477
00:18:17,908 --> 00:18:19,908
So, how did I end
up in your bed?
478
00:18:19,910 --> 00:18:21,126
I don't... Uh, wait.
479
00:18:21,128 --> 00:18:22,294
Is that you?
480
00:18:22,296 --> 00:18:24,529
Yeah.
Well, who are you with?
481
00:18:24,531 --> 00:18:27,132
Oops, I turned Sarah.
482
00:18:27,134 --> 00:18:28,333
(laughs)
483
00:18:28,335 --> 00:18:31,086
Nice!
(laughs)
484
00:18:31,088 --> 00:18:33,589
Wh-Whoa, who are
those people?
485
00:18:33,591 --> 00:18:34,656
(grunts)
486
00:18:34,658 --> 00:18:36,875
Do you remember the
bonfire on the beach?
487
00:18:36,877 --> 00:18:39,094
Yeah, the Italian
exchange students!
488
00:18:39,096 --> 00:18:40,896
"I no have-ah
the bus fare-ah."
489
00:18:40,898 --> 00:18:43,215
They no have-ah
no pants-ah!
490
00:18:43,217 --> 00:18:43,881
Oh, wow!
491
00:18:43,906 --> 00:18:45,051
Did we invite them
back to the house?
492
00:18:45,052 --> 00:18:47,486
I guess so-- I mean,
that is a big pile of naked.
493
00:18:47,488 --> 00:18:50,606
Oh... oh, man.
494
00:18:50,608 --> 00:18:53,558
Now Heidi's with the guy
that looks like James Franco.
495
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,360
(laughs)
496
00:18:55,362 --> 00:18:58,697
Wait, that is James Franco!
497
00:18:58,699 --> 00:19:02,618
That guy is in everything!
498
00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:04,753
Wait a second,
who am I with now?
499
00:19:04,755 --> 00:19:06,705
Oh, now you're with Sarah.
500
00:19:06,707 --> 00:19:07,706
(laughs)
501
00:19:07,708 --> 00:19:10,592
Turned her back-- wah!
502
00:19:10,594 --> 00:19:11,727
Oh...
503
00:19:11,729 --> 00:19:13,729
that is some
Game of Thrones stuff there.
504
00:19:13,731 --> 00:19:15,798
Yeah, but we
didn't, uh...?
505
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:17,800
No, I guess not.
506
00:19:17,802 --> 00:19:21,153
Oh, well, maybe.
507
00:19:21,155 --> 00:19:23,071
That is my ass.
508
00:19:23,073 --> 00:19:26,825
No, that's my ass.
509
00:19:26,827 --> 00:19:28,777
Oh.
510
00:19:28,779 --> 00:19:30,596
Is that your arm?
511
00:19:30,598 --> 00:19:31,930
Uh, no, that is my...
512
00:19:31,932 --> 00:19:33,265
BERTA:
What are you doing?
513
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:35,651
Nothing.
514
00:19:35,653 --> 00:19:36,652
Hanging out.
515
00:19:36,654 --> 00:19:39,204
Okay. So, listen.
516
00:19:39,206 --> 00:19:42,941
Are we all gonna talk about
the orgy we had last night?
517
00:19:46,579 --> 00:19:49,398
What?
518
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,150
Y-You were there?
519
00:19:51,152 --> 00:19:52,217
Hell, yeah.
520
00:19:52,219 --> 00:19:54,520
I banged James Franco.
521
00:19:54,522 --> 00:19:57,089
♪ Men. ♪
522
00:20:02,524 --> 00:20:03,708
♪ Men. ♪
523
00:20:03,710 --> 00:20:05,326
I'm so glad
you were able to get away.
524
00:20:05,328 --> 00:20:07,045
I owe you one for going
out with Stephanie.
525
00:20:07,047 --> 00:20:09,080
The only way I got through it...
526
00:20:09,082 --> 00:20:10,882
Mm-hmm.
was by thinking of you.
527
00:20:10,884 --> 00:20:11,916
Through what?
528
00:20:11,918 --> 00:20:13,468
You know, Stephanie.
529
00:20:13,470 --> 00:20:15,036
I took one for the team.
530
00:20:15,038 --> 00:20:16,788
Rather I, uh,
gave one for the team.
531
00:20:16,790 --> 00:20:18,723
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
532
00:20:18,725 --> 00:20:19,874
You had sex with her?
533
00:20:19,876 --> 00:20:22,393
Yeah, the second time
was not easy.
534
00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,145
Oh, my God!
535
00:20:24,147 --> 00:20:25,330
What? Wasn't I supposed to?
536
00:20:25,332 --> 00:20:26,648
No, you were supposed
to take her out,
537
00:20:26,650 --> 00:20:28,066
go to a movie or something.
538
00:20:28,068 --> 00:20:29,184
Oh, I don't think I could've sat
539
00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:30,401
through a movie with her.
540
00:20:30,403 --> 00:20:32,487
You are unbelievable.
I'm out of here.
541
00:20:32,489 --> 00:20:33,938
B-But I thought we were gonna...
542
00:20:33,940 --> 00:20:35,306
Oh, no. God, no.
543
00:20:35,308 --> 00:20:36,808
But... but...
544
00:20:36,810 --> 00:20:38,910
but you have a boyfriend!
545
00:20:39,712 --> 00:20:41,879
(sighs)
546
00:20:47,686 --> 00:20:49,286
Hello, uh, Stephanie?
547
00:20:49,288 --> 00:20:51,005
Yeah, it-it's Alan.
548
00:20:51,007 --> 00:20:53,874
Uh, turns out, uh,
the doctor read my MRI wrong.
549
00:20:53,876 --> 00:20:55,654
I will be free tonight.
550
00:20:56,832 --> 00:20:58,477
♪ Men. ♪
551
00:20:58,621 --> 00:21:03,621
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man