Oh.
What are you doing, Alan?
Gazing at you in the morning light.
Aw, that's sweet.
And creepy.
I just... I can't remember
the last time we woke up together. (chuckles)
And we're not the only two up.
Cock-a-doodle-doo, you.
That's just creepy.
Where you going?
I have to pick Larry up from the airport.
Oh, have Larry take a cab and stay here with me.
I'll even give you $50 for the fare.
(both laugh)
All right, all right, I'll walk you out.
Let me just tuck the old rooster back in the barn.
(grunts)
Oh.
Oh. Hi.
Jenny, this is Lyndsey.
This is Lyndsey, too. It's Leslie.
Oh, that's a pretty name.
I really enjoyed myself last night.
Well, I really enjoyed myself watching you enjoy yourself.
Oh. Wow.
Got a little traffic jam here.
"Pretty lady pileup on the PCH in Malibu.
I know at least one of them was rear-ended."
Sorry, girls.
This one's mine.
I'll see you. Okay. Bye.
Call me. Call me.
(door shuts)
I'm not calling.
She's not calling.
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ah. ♪ Men.
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x05 ♪ Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003 Original Air Date on October 24, 2013
== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man
(moaning) Ow. Ow.
Okay, okay. This is ridiculous. Why can't we go to a hotel?
Are you gonna spring for a room?
Traditionally, the mistress does not pay.
I'm sorry. I just don't have a lot of time,
and I have a lot of other errands to run.
So I'm just an errand?
No. But you are on my to-do list.
So what do you say we do it in the backseat?
Really? I'd say you're usually drunk
before you let me do... Alan.
I'm talking about the backseat of the car.
Oh. Oh, sorry. Sure.
Oh, there's a box of stuff back here.
Just shove that junk in the trunk.
I'm getting a lot of mixed messages here.
Wh-What is this stuff anyway?
Bunch of old clothes of Larry's.
I'm giving them to Goodwill after I squeeze you in.
I did that one on purpose.
Mmm. This is nice stuff.
I have to bring some stuff to Goodwill.
Why don't I just take this, too?
Really? What do you have to bring to Goodwill?
Uh, all of my old clothes 'cause I just got a new wardrobe.
♪ Men. ♪
Morning.
Afternoon.
Oh, thank God. I thought I was drinking in the morning.
Jenny...
where do you see yourself in five years?
Little house on the beach in Hawaii with Kate Upton.
Wait, Kate Upton's straight.
Give me two weeks.
What I'm saying is, you didn't just move out here
to party and drink, did you?
Well, I want to be an actress, so...
yeah.
I mean, seriously, what are you doing about your career?
Are you looking for an agent?
Are you taking acting classes?
Oh, my God. If I squint,
you're, like, a prettier version of my mom.
I'm pointing out that it's the middle of the day
and you stl haven't done a single thing yet.
I could say the same thing about you.
Oh. There.
I just sold a company for $25 million.
Really?
No, I bought a Groupon for Indian food.
But it's still more than you've done.
ALAN: Oh, oh, sorry.
What's that? Oh. Why, yes,
it is a $5,000 Armani suit.
Wow. $5,003 just walked into the room.
It's one of Larry's old suits.
He was gonna give it to charity, but I stole it just in time.
(groans)
Alan, you're going to hell.
Yes, but you're going to Heaven, and I'll just be your plus-one.
Sweet. Somebody else for you to judge.
I'm gonna go Google Kate Upton.
You're already having sex with this guy's girlfriend.
Now you're wearing his clothes?
I know. How awesome am I?
I have a hot blonde girlfriend,
a closet full of designer clothes
and a beach house.
Where to begin?
Not your girlfriend, not your clothes
and-- how many times do I have to say this?--
it's not your beach house.
In fact, if you took away
everything that was Larry's or mine,
you'd be alone on the street in your underwear.
Actually, I'd be naked.
Please tell me you're wearing Larry's underwear and not mine.
Yes, they're Larry's.
Although my bug is a little snug in his rug.
King to rook four. Checkmate, Alan's penis.
I don't think I've ever said this.
In fact, I don't know if anyone has ever said this, but...
Alan Harper, you're better than this.
I'm just making the best of what I've got.
You know, when life gives you lemons,
you take theon's lemlothes
and have sex with his girlfriend.
Okay. Where do you see you and Lyndsey in five years?
JENNY: Don't answer! It's a trap!
All I'm saying is, is you deserve a real relationship.
Well, what would you do if you were in my shoes?
First, I'd give them back to Larry.
And then I would tell Lyndsey that things have to change
and I want more, and if she can't give me what I want,
then I'm not gonna give her what she wants.
You do know what she wants, though, right?
Wham, wham, wham.
That was sex.
No, that was sad.
But you know what?
Hey, if you're happy, then so be it.
No, no, no. You're right. I'm-I'm gonna tell her that...
I want more, you know, that I'm not just a, you know,
human vibrator.
Although... how cool would that be?
(buzzing)
How bad must this Larry guy be in bed?
♪ Men. ♪
(exhales) That was amazing.
Tell your friends. (chuckles)
Although, were you buzzing at one point?
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I was just trying something new.
No, no, whatever you did definitely worked.
Alan Harper, pleasing women since 2003.
That's when I got divorced.
(chuckles) You always make me laugh.
If that's the case, then be with me all the time.
What?
I want you back. I'm tired of being the other man.
Oh, don't do this. We're having such a good time.
Exactly. We have the best sex, I-I make you laugh...
Often simultaneously.
What could Larry possibly give you that I don't?
There's just something about him.
You'd have to know him to understand.
He-he satisfies a different part of me.
Point to it and I'll buzz it. (sighs)
Alan, I know this is hard on you.
And, yes, I know I said "hard on."
I just want to see more of you.
Okay, how about this?
Larry takes spinning classes on Tuesday and Thursday nights.
You can see more of me then.
Fine.
But I am not gonna be
at your beck and call forever.
I have my dignity.
That would carry more weight if you weren't wearing
Larry's underwear.
Well, the joke's on you.
This is Walden's underwear.
♪ Men. ♪
You have a second?
I just finished my second.
What I need is a third.
I will fill your cup, but I will fill it
with knowledge, potential and opportunity.
But bourbon makes me feel smarter, prettier and taller.
What is this?
A friend of mine teaches an acting class,
and there is a spot for you. Really?
Yeah, this guy's the best.
Here, check out his credits.
CSI, urinating bum number three.
Dexter, headless victim number two.
That ain't easy.
Why are you doing this?
'Cause I like you.
And...
I don't want you to wake up one day and realize
that you've wasted your life and you have nothing to show for it.
What I'm saying is,
I don't want you to turn out like Alan.
I don't want two Alans.
I can't have two Alans.
Okay, all right, all right, all right. Calm down.
I'll-I'll go to the class, okay?
Thank you.
Uh, but you're gonna pay for it, right?
Oh, it's starting already.
♪ Men. ♪
Alan, Larry's at spin class. Where are you?
I can't make it. I-I think I've got food poisoning.
Oh, no. What'd you eat?
Well, I had some crappy crepes,
and now I've got some crepe-y craps.
Oh, that's awful.
I hope you feel better.
Thanks. Me, too.
Tonight I'll be hugging the toilet,
but I'll be thinking of you.
Bye.
Um, hey, is this bike taken?
Nope, help yourself.
Great. First-timer.
Welcome. I'm Larry.
I'm... Jeff.
Nice to meet you, Jeff.
So, you're a newbie, huh?
Well, yeah, how hard can it be?
It's just riding a bike. (grunts)
Hey.
I used to have those same exact shoes.
Even had a hole in the same spot.
(chuckles)
Well, I've got my eye on the ones you're wearing.
♪ Men. ♪
(upbeat dance music playing)
Isn't this great?
Kill me!
You got this.
The only thing I've got is a blister
in the space between my balls and my ass.
Come on, Jeff. Don't quit!
You can do it!
I can't.
Yes, you can!
You can keep it up for a few more seconds!
(panting) I'm doing it!
I'm doing it! It's working!
I'm a maniac!
Attaboy. Don't go soft on me!
Finish strong!
(song ends)
Whew.
I was pedaling toward the light.
It was so beautiful.
My pop-pop was there.
He was smoking his pipe.
It smelled like cinnamon and cherries.
Come on. Let's get you off this bike, Jeff.
Who's Jeff?
Boy, you really are out of it.
Come on, we'll get you some water.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're still clipped in there!
Pop-Pop, help!
Don't worry. I got you. I got you.
Oh. You're so strong.
I feel so safe.
That was so much harder than I thought.
But you did it.
Uh, well, yeah, thanks to you.
Nice job, Larry.
See you Thursday? You know it.
I can see why you like these cycling classes.
Wouldn't mind taking her on a Tour de Pants. (chuckles)
That's funny. But I actually got a girlfriend.
Hey, I've got towels at home.
Doesn't mean I'm not taking a couple of these with me.
No, Lyndsey's great. Oh.
I know what it's like to have a girl you're crazy about.
I had a girl I would have killed for.
You ever kill anybody, Larry?
You're... you're hilarious.
Yeah, I-I actually did dabble
in stand-up comedy back in the '80s.
I-I had this one bit about Nixon working in a diner.
I am not a cook.
(laughs)
The '80s? What, were you, like, five?
(phone ringing)
Wow.
There really is something about him.
Uh, do you need to answer that?
No, it's just a work call.
Wait. Does that say... does that say "Billy Joel"?
Oh, yeah, yeah. I manage musicians,
so I'm trying to sign him, but I'll call him back.
I'm talking to you.
But he's a rock star.
Rock stars aren't so impressive
when they've had a bottle of white, a bottle of red
and they're peeing in your koi pond.
What do you do, Jeff?
Oh, I'm just a-a chiropractor.
Just a chiropractor?
Your hands heal.
You know what these hands do?
They roll over drummers before they choke on their own vomit.
I make people fart when I press down on their backs.
(laughs) Hey, I'm gonna grab a smoothie.
You want to...? Oh, I should probably head...
My treat. ...over to the smoothie bar
with my new friend Larry.
I swear, I had that same shirt, too.
Looks like we're into a lot of the same things.
♪ Men. ♪
Hey.
Whoa! Where were you?
Lance Armstrong's gay Halloween party?
Very funny.
Wait.
Is that a thing? Did you get invited?
No. Where were you?
Oh, I was at spin class with Lyndsey's boyfriend.
Should I ask why or just wait to see it on 48 Hours?
I simply wanted to find out what he's got that I don't.
Other than... mental health, pride and his own underwear?
That's just it. He does have it all.
I can totally see why Lyndsey loves him.
He's-he's kind, he's generous,
he's got a smile that lights up a juice bar.
And-and the kicker is, he likes me.
And did his smile light up
when you told him you were plowing his girlfriend?
No. Alan is plowing his girlfriend.
Larry's friend, Jeff, will be joining him
in his luxury box at the Laker game tomorrow night.
(laughs)
I-I just have to cancel my plans with Lyndsey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're telling me you would rather spend the evening
in Larry's box?
Hey. Hey. How'd the acting class go?
It was great.
We did this improv exercise
where I had to pretend to be high.
I nailed it.
Oh, uh, you know, in college, uh,
I-I did a little musical theatre.
And the winner
for the least surprising sentence ever goes to...
Alan Harper!
Scoff if you will, but, uh,
I actually starred in our production of Cats.
And the new winner for least surprising sentence ever...
Okay, I will have you know that the campus newspaper said
that my portrayal of Rum Tum Tugger
was purrfect.
I've never seen Cats.
You've never seen...?
♪ The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat. ♪
Well, if you're coming out of the closet,
come out dancing.
♪ Men. ♪
Boy, this really makes you feel like a man, doesn't it?
Basketball, cheerleaders, a crisp Pinot Noir.
There's beer in the fridge, too.
What? And undo all that spinning? Oh, no.
A second on the lips, a month on the hips.
(laughs)
Did you ever do this gay character in your stand-up?
Yeah. It was a real crowd-pleaser.
I, uh... I also do a-a character who's really cheap.
(laughs) "Hey, is everything here free? Even those shrimp""
Nice.
If I kept going, I'd say, "Hey, uh,
can I get a to-go container?"
Help yourself, you cheap queer.
(laughs)
Hey, uh, can I get a to-go container?
(laughs)
Hope we don't end up on the Kiss Cam.
I've been told my kisses are like French fries.
Can't stop with just one.
(laughs)
LARRY: Lyndsey, what a surprise!
Lyndsey?
Hey, sweetie. My plans fell through.
Well, now you can meet Jeff.
Jeff, this is my girlfriend Lyndsey.
He's always joking around. Get over here!
Hi.
Hi. So, this is the guy
you were telling me about?
Yes, uh, uh, Lyndsey, was it?
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name.
This is Jeff. Jeff Strongman.
Strongman? That's uniqu aname.
Uh, it's-it's German.
Uh, it's actually pronounced Strungmin.
(clears throat)
Strungmin? Mmm.
It almost sounds made up, doesn't it?
Yeah, well, it's not, so shut up.
Sweetie, it-it's cold in here.
I think I left a jacket in the car. Would you mind?
Of course. (laughs)
Hey, I can trust you alone with my girlfriend, right?
If you can't, then my name's not Jeff Strungmin.
(door closes)
What the hell is going on, Jeff?
Are you trying to break me and Larry up?
No, I would never do that to Larry.
Then what are you doing here?
I just... I wanted to figure out what Larry has that I don't
so that I could be more like him,
and then you'd come back to me.
Look, I already have a Larry.
If you turned into Larry, I'd have to find another Alan.
Really? Yes, you idiot!
Don't you get it?
No man has ever turned me on like you do.
It's a gift and a curse.
Shut up.
I'll stop talking, but I won't stop...
(imitates buzzing) No, stop it.
(imitates buzzg)
I'm still mad at you!
Well, I don't blame you.
I have been very naughty.
Perhaps I should be punished.
Let's go.
What...? Wait. Where?
We'll do it in the bathroom.
Seriously? Oh, yeah.
Beats the hell out of the Kiss Cam.
♪ Men. ♪
Hey.
How did the acting class go?
I didn't go.
(loudly): Liar!
I talked to my friend, and he said you didn't go,
so admit it!
I just did.
I know!
And I wasn't prepared for that.
I went to the first class, but it was lame.
It doesn't meant that you're not gonna learn something from it.
Do you think that I just said, "Oh, I have a software idea
and I'm gonna sell it for a billion dollars the next day"?
I Googled you. That is what happened.
The point is, is that, if-if that hadn't happened,
I would have been willing to work for it.
Look, I-I get it,
but all this touchy-feely stuff just freaks me out.
Half the reason I got into acting
was so I could pretend to be someone else,
not so I could spend time thinking about
how I don't get along with my mom.
And how I never knew my father.
How I'm 25 years old
and living in the guest room of a stranger's house.
(sighs)
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to stir all this up. I just...
And that's why I don't need acting lessons.
You know what?
If you don't want
to help yourself, I can't force you.
But the choices that you make today
are going to affect you for the rest of your life.
And as long as you live under my roof...
Oh, God, kill me.
♪ Men. ♪
(moaning)
Is everything okay? Yeah.
The only thing I can feel in your pants
is the shrimp that you stole.
I'm sorry. I'm-I'm just nervous.
Can you do this or not?
I don't think so.
I mean, what would Larry say?
LARRY: Come on, Jeff. Don't quit.
What?
I didn't say anything.
LARRY: You can do it.
Yes, you can.
You know what? Maybe I can do this.
Really?
LARRY: Attaboy.
Don't go soft on me.
Go, Jeff, go.
Oh, Alan.
Call me Jeff.
♪ Men. ♪
[♪ Men. ♪
Guess who got an audition.
Really?
Yep.
That's amazing. Tell me about it.
Well, I went back to the acting class.
(chuckles)
Isn't that funny?
The thing I suggested you do
that you didn't want to do
turned out to be the exact thing that you should have done.
Yeah, well, after about an hour of that acting crap,
I had to go get a drink.
So, I bailed and went to a bar
where I met a casting director.
Turned out she was a lesbian, so I had a leg up.
And when I put it down, I had an audition.
♪ Men. ♪
Oh.
You have got to stop doing that.
And you have to stop looking so pretty when you sleep.
Okay, I heard it that time. It was creepy.
You know what? I don't have to go anywhere today.
Really? Yeah.
Larry's got a friend picking him up at the airport.
Oh, shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man