1
00:00:02,797 --> 00:00:04,598
(conversation, laughter)
2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,450
Thank you.
3
00:00:06,452 --> 00:00:08,268
Wow. She's cute.
4
00:00:08,270 --> 00:00:09,536
She sure is.
5
00:00:09,538 --> 00:00:11,322
She sucks
in bed.
6
00:00:11,324 --> 00:00:13,540
And not in a good way.
7
00:00:14,376 --> 00:00:15,326
Her, too?
8
00:00:15,328 --> 00:00:16,443
I-I didn't even know
she was gay.
9
00:00:16,445 --> 00:00:19,279
Neither did she,
till last Thursday.
10
00:00:19,281 --> 00:00:22,249
You're like some
kind of lesbian zombie
11
00:00:22,251 --> 00:00:24,418
infecting all
the women of Malibu.
12
00:00:24,420 --> 00:00:25,419
Ha!
13
00:00:25,421 --> 00:00:26,587
I like that.
14
00:00:26,589 --> 00:00:28,839
(as zombie):
Must have vagina.
15
00:00:29,758 --> 00:00:32,626
(as zombie):
Must have vagina.
16
00:00:32,628 --> 00:00:35,062
Sounds like some kind of
weird help wanted ad
17
00:00:35,064 --> 00:00:36,096
Alan would place.
18
00:00:36,098 --> 00:00:37,264
(chuckles)
19
00:00:38,266 --> 00:00:39,966
So when did you realize
that you were gay?
20
00:00:39,968 --> 00:00:40,967
Oh, oh...
21
00:00:40,969 --> 00:00:42,152
What's that I hear?
22
00:00:42,154 --> 00:00:44,521
Is that your own closet door
finally swinging open?
23
00:00:44,523 --> 00:00:46,323
Trust me,
if I was gay
24
00:00:46,325 --> 00:00:47,974
you'd be the first
one to know.
25
00:00:49,444 --> 00:00:51,311
You know, I think I was
in high school
26
00:00:51,313 --> 00:00:52,663
when I figured it out.
27
00:00:52,665 --> 00:00:54,331
A bunch of my friends
were having a sleepover
28
00:00:54,333 --> 00:00:55,999
and we started talking about
29
00:00:56,001 --> 00:00:57,701
what it would be like
to kiss a boy
30
00:00:57,703 --> 00:00:59,002
and who was the best kisser.
31
00:00:59,004 --> 00:01:00,921
So me and my friend Kimberly,
32
00:01:00,923 --> 00:01:02,206
who was a cheerleader,
33
00:01:02,208 --> 00:01:04,375
decided to settle it
by making out.
34
00:01:04,377 --> 00:01:05,492
A-a cheerleader?
35
00:01:05,494 --> 00:01:07,795
Let the woman talk.
36
00:01:07,797 --> 00:01:09,680
Kimberly was so hot.
37
00:01:09,682 --> 00:01:13,100
I still remember
how soft her lips felt
38
00:01:13,102 --> 00:01:15,853
as she slipped
her hand under my shirt
39
00:01:15,855 --> 00:01:18,639
and kissed her way down my body.
40
00:01:21,226 --> 00:01:24,528
Must've been a strange and
confusing time for you.
41
00:01:25,697 --> 00:01:27,030
Please continue.
42
00:01:27,032 --> 00:01:30,317
She closed her eyes.
43
00:01:30,319 --> 00:01:32,069
She parted her lips.
44
00:01:32,071 --> 00:01:34,655
She arched her back
45
00:01:34,657 --> 00:01:37,241
and I whispered in her ear,
46
00:01:37,243 --> 00:01:40,360
"Oh, my God,
47
00:01:40,362 --> 00:01:42,329
"Kimberly,
48
00:01:42,331 --> 00:01:43,864
"I can't believe
49
00:01:43,866 --> 00:01:45,883
"these two idiots
50
00:01:45,885 --> 00:01:48,135
actually believe this story."
51
00:01:51,723 --> 00:01:53,223
And then what happe...
Aw!
52
00:01:53,225 --> 00:01:55,092
Damn it!
53
00:01:55,094 --> 00:01:56,760
It's not that complicated.
54
00:01:56,762 --> 00:01:59,346
The first time you masturbate
thinking about the school nurse
55
00:01:59,348 --> 00:02:00,481
you pretty much know.
56
00:02:00,483 --> 00:02:03,600
BOTH:
Oh, my God, I'm a lesbian.
57
00:02:06,654 --> 00:02:09,072
We need to start hanging out with
girls who aren't gay.
58
00:02:09,074 --> 00:02:10,023
Or related to us.
59
00:02:10,025 --> 00:02:11,692
How 'bout her?
60
00:02:13,695 --> 00:02:15,863
Oh, I suppose I could
go talk to her.
61
00:02:15,865 --> 00:02:17,614
I think Jenny was
talking about me.
62
00:02:17,616 --> 00:02:19,065
Oh, really?
63
00:02:19,067 --> 00:02:20,951
And you assume that just because
you're rich and good-looking?
64
00:02:20,953 --> 00:02:23,170
No, I was going to say
smart and charming,
65
00:02:23,172 --> 00:02:25,238
but if you mix all those
ingredients together,
66
00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,624
you make one delicious
hot guy pie.
67
00:02:27,626 --> 00:02:31,295
Well, your "hot guy pie"
is no match for my system.
68
00:02:31,297 --> 00:02:32,463
No, hold on.
69
00:02:32,465 --> 00:02:34,047
Going on Craigslist
and looking up "escorts"
70
00:02:34,049 --> 00:02:35,081
isn't a system.
71
00:02:35,083 --> 00:02:36,249
That is not my system,
72
00:02:36,251 --> 00:02:38,385
that is my backup plan.
73
00:02:38,387 --> 00:02:40,420
My system consists
of the three "C"s:
74
00:02:40,422 --> 00:02:43,190
connect, charm and cry.
75
00:02:43,192 --> 00:02:44,808
Works every time.
76
00:02:44,810 --> 00:02:45,943
Uh, okay...
77
00:02:45,945 --> 00:02:47,444
"Hi, my name's Alan.
78
00:02:47,446 --> 00:02:50,063
"That is a beautiful
blouse you're wearing.
79
00:02:50,065 --> 00:02:52,566
My dead wife was buried
in one just like it."
80
00:02:53,568 --> 00:02:55,652
Yeah, my system's
a lot simpler.
81
00:02:55,654 --> 00:02:56,937
I wait for you
to finish talking
82
00:02:56,939 --> 00:02:58,271
and then I
take them home.
83
00:02:58,273 --> 00:03:00,491
Oh, oh, big words
coming from somebody
84
00:03:00,493 --> 00:03:02,108
sitting alone next to me.
Oh.
85
00:03:02,110 --> 00:03:04,495
Okay, fine. Well, let's just go see
who she likes better.
86
00:03:08,249 --> 00:03:10,083
Oh, my God.
87
00:03:10,085 --> 00:03:11,785
No one is safe.
88
00:03:17,008 --> 00:03:19,810
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
89
00:03:19,812 --> 00:03:21,853
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
90
00:03:21,854 --> 00:03:25,854
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x07 ♪
Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
Original Air Date on November 14, 2013
91
00:03:25,855 --> 00:03:28,855
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
92
00:03:28,856 --> 00:03:30,456
(indistinct conversations)
93
00:03:30,458 --> 00:03:33,292
Hey, do you think all women
are potentially lesbians?
94
00:03:33,294 --> 00:03:35,478
Um, I have 30 years
95
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,580
of masturbating to porn
that say yes.
96
00:03:38,815 --> 00:03:40,650
You know,
you brag more
97
00:03:40,652 --> 00:03:41,784
about your
masturbating prowess
98
00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:43,219
than any person
I know.
99
00:03:44,188 --> 00:03:46,672
It ain't bragging
if it's true.
100
00:03:46,674 --> 00:03:49,174
Ooh. Alpha bravo,
two bogeys on your six.
101
00:03:50,644 --> 00:03:52,028
Why are you
talking like that?
102
00:03:52,030 --> 00:03:54,179
Oh, my...
Did you have a stroke?
103
00:03:54,181 --> 00:03:55,531
It's airplane talk.
104
00:03:55,533 --> 00:03:56,732
I'm your wingman.
105
00:03:56,734 --> 00:03:58,534
It... it just means two cute girls
just walked in.
106
00:03:58,536 --> 00:04:01,287
Why didn't you just say
two cute girls just walked in?
107
00:04:01,289 --> 00:04:02,455
Roger that.
108
00:04:02,457 --> 00:04:04,290
Will you stop that?
Over and out.
109
00:04:07,294 --> 00:04:08,711
Wow.
Yeah.
110
00:04:08,713 --> 00:04:09,912
They are cute.
Yeah, yeah.
111
00:04:09,914 --> 00:04:11,664
So, uh... so what's
the play here?
112
00:04:11,666 --> 00:04:13,532
Um, uh... how about
something like, uh...
113
00:04:13,534 --> 00:04:15,418
"Hey, uh, those
seats are taken,
114
00:04:15,420 --> 00:04:17,336
but our faces aren't"?
115
00:04:19,205 --> 00:04:20,756
How about,
"I'm Walden,
116
00:04:20,758 --> 00:04:23,226
and this is my
mute friend Alan"?
117
00:04:24,094 --> 00:04:25,394
Fine.
118
00:04:25,396 --> 00:04:27,346
You think you've got such
great game, lead the way,
119
00:04:27,348 --> 00:04:30,266
Mr. "I'm too good for
Craigslist and masturbating."
120
00:04:33,654 --> 00:04:34,604
Hi.
121
00:04:34,606 --> 00:04:36,522
Hi.
122
00:04:41,612 --> 00:04:42,912
That's all I got.
123
00:04:44,364 --> 00:04:46,949
Uh, ladies, uh, uh, how much does
a polar bear weigh?
124
00:04:46,951 --> 00:04:48,751
Oh, I don't know.
125
00:04:48,753 --> 00:04:50,753
Enough to break the ice.
I'm Dr. Alan Harper.
126
00:04:52,072 --> 00:04:53,556
Uh, this is my associate
Walden Schmidt.
127
00:04:53,558 --> 00:04:55,007
Google him,
he's rich.
128
00:04:55,009 --> 00:04:57,593
If you Google me,
you can see my boobs.
129
00:04:58,712 --> 00:05:00,846
Also if you do this.
130
00:05:00,848 --> 00:05:03,132
Hi.
131
00:05:03,134 --> 00:05:04,717
Oh, oh, uh,
take another look,
132
00:05:04,719 --> 00:05:06,719
but this time
spell "attic."
133
00:05:07,638 --> 00:05:10,640
A-T-T-I-C.
134
00:05:10,642 --> 00:05:12,608
Oh! I get it.
135
00:05:13,393 --> 00:05:15,094
Because these are my tee-tees
136
00:05:15,096 --> 00:05:17,063
and I see them.
137
00:05:17,065 --> 00:05:19,899
I'm sorry about my friend.
I'm sorry about my friend.
138
00:05:21,234 --> 00:05:22,935
Walden.
Jill.
139
00:05:22,937 --> 00:05:24,870
So, Alan, what kind of
doctor are you?
140
00:05:24,872 --> 00:05:25,821
Oh, I'm a...
141
00:05:25,823 --> 00:05:27,606
a chiropractor...
142
00:05:27,608 --> 00:05:28,941
slash brain surgeon.
143
00:05:28,943 --> 00:05:30,442
Oh!
144
00:05:30,444 --> 00:05:31,994
So, uh, w-what do
you guys do?
145
00:05:31,996 --> 00:05:34,664
We're princesses
at a theme park.
146
00:05:34,666 --> 00:05:35,781
Really?
147
00:05:35,783 --> 00:05:37,383
Yeah, I play
Cinderella
148
00:05:37,385 --> 00:05:38,551
and she's the
Little Mermaid.
149
00:05:38,553 --> 00:05:40,002
Oh, well, that
certainly makes sense
150
00:05:40,004 --> 00:05:41,337
because, uh,
you "swept"
151
00:05:41,339 --> 00:05:43,089
my friend
off his feet
152
00:05:43,091 --> 00:05:45,624
and-and I'm
"hooked" on you.
153
00:05:45,626 --> 00:05:47,143
Oh, my God,
that's funny
154
00:05:47,145 --> 00:05:48,427
because I'm a fish.
155
00:05:48,429 --> 00:05:49,729
(laughing)
Yes.
156
00:05:49,731 --> 00:05:52,565
The answer to the question
you're not asking is:
157
00:05:52,567 --> 00:05:54,650
because she makes
me look smart.
158
00:05:54,652 --> 00:05:58,020
Well, the answer to the question
you're not asking is:
159
00:05:58,022 --> 00:05:59,972
because he won't
move out.
160
00:06:04,111 --> 00:06:05,861
Morning.
Oh, hey.
161
00:06:05,863 --> 00:06:06,996
How great
was last night?
162
00:06:06,998 --> 00:06:08,364
It was pretty good.
163
00:06:08,366 --> 00:06:09,832
Those girls didn't know
what hit 'em.
164
00:06:09,834 --> 00:06:12,651
What'd you use,
chloroform or Tasers?
165
00:06:12,653 --> 00:06:14,319
I will have you know
166
00:06:14,321 --> 00:06:15,838
that Walden and I
have dates tonight
167
00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:17,673
with two theme park princesses.
168
00:06:17,675 --> 00:06:19,625
Mine's Cinderella.
169
00:06:19,627 --> 00:06:21,160
Perfect for you.
170
00:06:21,162 --> 00:06:23,262
Storybook beauty.
171
00:06:23,264 --> 00:06:24,930
And mine is the Little Mermaid.
172
00:06:24,932 --> 00:06:26,298
Perfect for you.
173
00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:28,000
No legs to run away.
174
00:06:31,688 --> 00:06:33,723
I'm telling you,
if we play our cards right,
175
00:06:33,725 --> 00:06:36,442
we're gonna get ourselves
some fairy-tail.
176
00:06:36,444 --> 00:06:38,527
"Fairy-tail"?
177
00:06:38,529 --> 00:06:40,896
Because, you know,
"tail" has two meanings.
178
00:06:40,898 --> 00:06:42,865
Yeah, so does "fairy."
179
00:06:44,885 --> 00:06:45,901
Hey, guys.
180
00:06:45,903 --> 00:06:47,186
ALAN: Hi.
Hey.
181
00:06:47,188 --> 00:06:48,154
This is Maria.
182
00:06:48,156 --> 00:06:49,455
Maria, this is Walden
and Alan.
183
00:06:49,457 --> 00:06:50,573
Oh, that's so cool.
184
00:06:50,575 --> 00:06:52,408
You didn't tell me
your parents were gay.
185
00:06:55,078 --> 00:06:56,629
Didn't I?
186
00:06:56,631 --> 00:06:58,214
Dad and Mom.
187
00:06:58,999 --> 00:07:00,716
Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
188
00:07:00,718 --> 00:07:02,001
Uh, listen,
I gotta go.
189
00:07:02,003 --> 00:07:03,702
But you are going
to call me, right?
190
00:07:03,704 --> 00:07:05,588
Absolutely.
You sure?
191
00:07:05,590 --> 00:07:06,806
Yes.
192
00:07:06,808 --> 00:07:09,008
I would not lie to you
in front of my parents.
193
00:07:09,010 --> 00:07:11,210
Bye, it was nice meeting you.
194
00:07:12,179 --> 00:07:14,397
Don't be a stranger, dear.
195
00:07:15,732 --> 00:07:18,517
That's not the girl you
picked up in the bar last night.
196
00:07:18,519 --> 00:07:20,236
No, she delivered the pizza
197
00:07:20,238 --> 00:07:22,905
to me and the girl I picked up
at the bar last night.
198
00:07:24,307 --> 00:07:27,026
Well, I hope you gave her
a good tip.
199
00:07:27,028 --> 00:07:29,578
Nah, she didn't come
in 30 minutes or less.
200
00:07:35,902 --> 00:07:36,919
Whoa.
201
00:07:36,921 --> 00:07:37,987
(imitates siren)
202
00:07:37,989 --> 00:07:39,371
Fashion Police.
203
00:07:39,373 --> 00:07:41,340
Pull over.
204
00:07:41,342 --> 00:07:42,741
What?
205
00:07:42,743 --> 00:07:44,093
The reason I stopped you
206
00:07:44,095 --> 00:07:47,096
is it appears
your style has expired.
207
00:07:48,715 --> 00:07:49,715
You don't like
this sweater?
208
00:07:49,717 --> 00:07:50,716
I thought it
looked good.
209
00:07:50,718 --> 00:07:53,135
Have you been drinking, sir?
210
00:07:53,137 --> 00:07:55,221
This coming
from a man
211
00:07:55,223 --> 00:07:58,057
who looks like he's been
tented for termites.
212
00:07:59,926 --> 00:08:02,094
(doorbell rings)
213
00:08:04,314 --> 00:08:05,364
Lyndsey.
214
00:08:05,366 --> 00:08:06,565
Hi, Alan.
215
00:08:06,567 --> 00:08:08,284
Uh, did we have
plans for tonight?
216
00:08:08,286 --> 00:08:09,919
No, I was
in the area
217
00:08:09,921 --> 00:08:11,720
and I thought I'd surprise
you with a booty call.
218
00:08:11,722 --> 00:08:13,105
Oh. Wow.
219
00:08:13,107 --> 00:08:14,905
Well, normally that would
be delightful, but...
220
00:08:14,930 --> 00:08:16,388
Wait.
221
00:08:16,793 --> 00:08:19,745
You're wearing cologne
and your one good shirt.
222
00:08:21,614 --> 00:08:22,948
You have a date.
223
00:08:22,950 --> 00:08:25,301
Oh, no, I-I wouldn't
call it a date,
224
00:08:25,303 --> 00:08:26,919
you know, uh, um...
225
00:08:26,921 --> 00:08:28,888
Walden met this woman,
226
00:08:28,890 --> 00:08:31,757
and she's got a friend,
really ugly.
227
00:08:31,759 --> 00:08:33,058
Mm-hmm.
(chuckling)
228
00:08:33,060 --> 00:08:34,293
You know how
they say, you know,
229
00:08:34,295 --> 00:08:35,561
people were beaten
with the ugly stick?
230
00:08:35,563 --> 00:08:37,012
Well...
well, you know,
231
00:08:37,014 --> 00:08:39,181
if you took a bunch
of the ugly sticks
232
00:08:39,183 --> 00:08:40,850
and built an ugly house,
233
00:08:40,852 --> 00:08:43,486
when this girl
walked by,
234
00:08:43,488 --> 00:08:46,105
the house would
call her ugly.
235
00:08:47,491 --> 00:08:49,825
Alan, relax.
236
00:08:49,827 --> 00:08:51,994
You're allowed to date.
Oh, really?
237
00:08:51,996 --> 00:08:53,596
Of course. I mean,
I have a boyfriend.
238
00:08:53,598 --> 00:08:56,282
Oh, thank God, 'cause this girl is
actually way hot.
239
00:08:56,284 --> 00:08:57,233
(laughs)
240
00:08:57,235 --> 00:08:58,918
I mean, you know,
not as hot as you,
241
00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:00,452
but, you know,
young-hot.
242
00:09:01,955 --> 00:09:05,124
You've been hot
a lot longer.
243
00:09:09,379 --> 00:09:11,297
I'm gonna go.
244
00:09:11,299 --> 00:09:12,431
You sure you're
okay with this?
245
00:09:12,433 --> 00:09:13,849
I'm sure.
246
00:09:13,851 --> 00:09:16,051
Go have fun.
247
00:09:16,053 --> 00:09:18,938
Oh, that's my good old Lyndsey.
248
00:09:18,940 --> 00:09:21,357
I didn't mean "old"!
249
00:09:21,359 --> 00:09:23,342
(imitates siren)
250
00:09:25,645 --> 00:09:27,062
Idiot Police.
251
00:09:27,064 --> 00:09:28,697
Pull over.
252
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,371
God, it's great out here.
253
00:09:35,373 --> 00:09:37,289
The stars look amazing.
254
00:09:37,291 --> 00:09:39,792
Yeah, without the lights
from the city, they really pop.
255
00:09:39,794 --> 00:09:42,545
That's why you can see
Orion's Belt so clearly.
256
00:09:42,547 --> 00:09:45,297
Uh, you know, if you
look under Orion's Belt,
257
00:09:45,299 --> 00:09:47,366
uh, you can see
his Little Dipper.
258
00:09:47,368 --> 00:09:48,533
(laughs)
259
00:09:48,535 --> 00:09:49,552
Oh, my God,
you are so bad.
260
00:09:49,554 --> 00:09:50,719
(laughing)
261
00:09:50,721 --> 00:09:51,971
You're into astronomy?
262
00:09:51,973 --> 00:09:53,005
'Cause I've been
into astronomy
263
00:09:53,007 --> 00:09:54,039
since I went
to space camp.
264
00:09:54,041 --> 00:09:56,875
Also about the same
time I got into
265
00:09:56,877 --> 00:09:59,061
getting my ass kicked
at school.
266
00:09:59,063 --> 00:10:02,064
I always wanted
to go to space camp.
267
00:10:02,066 --> 00:10:03,682
Nerd!
268
00:10:03,684 --> 00:10:05,884
I prefer "geek."
269
00:10:07,437 --> 00:10:08,821
Wh-What about you,
Laurie?
270
00:10:08,823 --> 00:10:09,888
Are you into
astronomy?
271
00:10:09,890 --> 00:10:12,191
Yep, I'm a Virgo.
272
00:10:12,193 --> 00:10:14,559
But I'm not a virgin.
273
00:10:15,996 --> 00:10:18,280
Both good signs
for me.
274
00:10:18,282 --> 00:10:21,066
So, uh, how did you become
a princess, anyway?
275
00:10:21,068 --> 00:10:23,735
Oh, I get that a lot.
276
00:10:23,737 --> 00:10:27,206
(whispering):
I'm not a real princess.
277
00:10:27,208 --> 00:10:29,574
I'm also not
a real redhead.
278
00:10:29,576 --> 00:10:31,076
You'll find
that out later.
279
00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:35,414
No way, it must be great
being a princess.
280
00:10:35,416 --> 00:10:36,632
Yeah, for the most part.
281
00:10:36,634 --> 00:10:38,934
What's not so great
are the pervy dads
282
00:10:38,936 --> 00:10:41,186
who are trying
to cop a feel.
283
00:10:41,188 --> 00:10:42,554
The other day I was like,
284
00:10:42,556 --> 00:10:44,106
"Do that again,
you're gonna find out
285
00:10:44,108 --> 00:10:46,025
where else
my glass slipper fits."
286
00:10:46,027 --> 00:10:48,477
Is it weird that
that turns me on?
287
00:10:48,479 --> 00:10:51,113
Is it weird
that's why I told you?
288
00:10:51,115 --> 00:10:53,415
So, hey, would you girls like
a little more champagne?
289
00:10:53,417 --> 00:10:54,650
Oh, I would!
(laughs)
290
00:10:54,652 --> 00:10:55,868
I love champagne.
291
00:10:55,870 --> 00:10:57,653
And puppies!
292
00:10:57,655 --> 00:10:59,405
Um, what's the magic word?
293
00:10:59,407 --> 00:11:02,207
Oh... boobs!
294
00:11:02,209 --> 00:11:04,410
Ah, the kids must love you.
295
00:11:09,949 --> 00:11:11,834
I really like Jill.
296
00:11:11,836 --> 00:11:14,169
I mean, she's fun, she's
beautiful, she's smart.
297
00:11:14,171 --> 00:11:15,620
And I really like Laurie--
she's fun,
298
00:11:15,622 --> 00:11:18,540
she's beautiful, she's stupid.
299
00:11:18,542 --> 00:11:20,592
So, uh, what's the next move?
300
00:11:20,594 --> 00:11:23,395
I'm gonna take Jill up to my
room and show her my telescope.
301
00:11:23,397 --> 00:11:24,480
What am I gonna do?
There's nothing
302
00:11:24,482 --> 00:11:25,597
in my room to show Laurie.
303
00:11:25,599 --> 00:11:26,682
Yes, there is.
304
00:11:26,684 --> 00:11:28,567
You have a couch
that turns into a bed.
305
00:11:28,569 --> 00:11:29,985
She'll be amazed.
306
00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:34,806
Okay, open your eyes.
307
00:11:34,808 --> 00:11:37,660
Oh, my God!
308
00:11:37,662 --> 00:11:39,478
Where'd the couch go?
309
00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:41,030
Ah-ah-ah!
310
00:11:41,032 --> 00:11:43,198
A magician never
reveals his secrets.
311
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,834
That's amazing.
312
00:11:45,836 --> 00:11:46,985
And for my next trick,
313
00:11:46,987 --> 00:11:49,088
I'm going to make
my penis disappear.
314
00:11:49,090 --> 00:11:50,172
(gasps)
315
00:11:50,174 --> 00:11:52,324
I'll need a volunteer
from the audience.
316
00:11:52,326 --> 00:11:54,176
Ooh, pick me, pick me!
317
00:11:54,178 --> 00:11:55,494
Um...
318
00:11:55,496 --> 00:11:57,146
(laughs)
319
00:11:58,381 --> 00:12:00,132
(cell phone ringing)
320
00:12:00,134 --> 00:12:01,183
(grunts)
321
00:12:01,185 --> 00:12:02,551
Oh, sorry, um...
322
00:12:02,553 --> 00:12:05,137
Uh, my mom.
323
00:12:05,139 --> 00:12:06,188
No problem.
324
00:12:06,190 --> 00:12:08,223
I'll go put in a condom.
325
00:12:08,225 --> 00:12:11,343
Uh, uh, that's not how...
326
00:12:11,345 --> 00:12:12,978
You know what? Great.
327
00:12:15,515 --> 00:12:16,482
Lyndsey?
328
00:12:16,484 --> 00:12:19,068
Alan? Thanks for calling.
329
00:12:19,070 --> 00:12:20,452
You called me.
330
00:12:20,454 --> 00:12:21,537
Oh, that's good 'cause I was
331
00:12:21,539 --> 00:12:22,988
just gonna call you.
332
00:12:22,990 --> 00:12:24,239
Lyndsey, you're drunk.
333
00:12:24,241 --> 00:12:25,991
Alan, you're boring.
334
00:12:25,993 --> 00:12:27,242
Okay, I'm gonna go.
335
00:12:27,244 --> 00:12:28,377
Whoa, whoa, wait!
336
00:12:28,379 --> 00:12:30,079
Just one thing.
337
00:12:30,081 --> 00:12:31,880
Remember when I told you
I was okay
338
00:12:31,882 --> 00:12:33,048
with you dating other people?
339
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:34,032
Uh-huh.
340
00:12:34,034 --> 00:12:35,217
Well, I'm not.
341
00:12:35,219 --> 00:12:36,552
You're not?
342
00:12:36,554 --> 00:12:38,253
(door opens)
343
00:12:38,255 --> 00:12:40,889
I'm ready
for your next trick.
344
00:12:42,041 --> 00:12:43,892
Can I call you back? I'm...
345
00:12:43,894 --> 00:12:46,061
going into a tunnel.
346
00:12:55,253 --> 00:12:58,655
So, what do you think
of your princess?
347
00:12:58,657 --> 00:13:00,824
I think I am enchanted.
348
00:13:00,826 --> 00:13:02,859
And engorged.
349
00:13:02,861 --> 00:13:05,729
Well, let's see
about giving this story
350
00:13:05,731 --> 00:13:07,697
a happy ending.
351
00:13:07,699 --> 00:13:09,332
Uh, can you hold on
for a second?
352
00:13:09,334 --> 00:13:10,300
Oh.
Oh, oh!
353
00:13:10,302 --> 00:13:12,085
Uh, not what I meant.
354
00:13:12,087 --> 00:13:14,171
But... big thumbs-up.
355
00:13:14,173 --> 00:13:15,172
Oh, oh!
356
00:13:15,174 --> 00:13:17,323
It was a...
357
00:13:17,325 --> 00:13:19,926
It was a metaphorical thumbs-up.
358
00:13:19,928 --> 00:13:22,379
Uh, and-and you work
with children.
359
00:13:22,381 --> 00:13:23,597
Is everything all right?
360
00:13:23,599 --> 00:13:25,766
Uh, yeah, yeah, uh, uh,
can you just, uh,
361
00:13:25,768 --> 00:13:27,717
hang on a minute?
I've got to freshen up.
362
00:13:27,719 --> 00:13:29,186
Oh, the bathroom's right there.
363
00:13:29,188 --> 00:13:31,855
Yeah, no, I have to...
364
00:13:31,857 --> 00:13:34,057
poop.
365
00:13:34,892 --> 00:13:36,643
Okay.
366
00:13:36,645 --> 00:13:39,696
Check out this star.
367
00:13:39,698 --> 00:13:41,698
Is that the guy from Survivor?
368
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:44,184
Yeah, Jeff Probst.
369
00:13:44,186 --> 00:13:46,419
He's naked and cooking...
370
00:13:46,421 --> 00:13:47,404
bacon?
371
00:13:47,406 --> 00:13:49,022
Yeah, he does it every night.
372
00:13:49,024 --> 00:13:51,858
It's a regular bacon
and sausage fest.
373
00:13:51,860 --> 00:13:54,377
And why do you watch?
374
00:13:54,379 --> 00:13:55,879
Uh, there's not much on TV.
375
00:13:55,881 --> 00:13:57,363
But... more importantly...
376
00:13:57,365 --> 00:14:00,050
I think he wants me to.
377
00:14:00,052 --> 00:14:02,702
Well, maybe if there
was something better
378
00:14:02,704 --> 00:14:04,004
for you to look at?
379
00:14:04,006 --> 00:14:05,388
Oh.
380
00:14:05,390 --> 00:14:06,339
(loud knocking)
381
00:14:06,341 --> 00:14:08,058
ALAN:
Walden! Walden!
382
00:14:08,060 --> 00:14:10,877
I know! Probst is cooking.
383
00:14:12,563 --> 00:14:15,548
ALAN:
No, no! It-it's an emergency.
384
00:14:15,550 --> 00:14:17,651
I'm sorry, it's...
Mm-hmm.
385
00:14:20,054 --> 00:14:21,154
What?
386
00:14:21,156 --> 00:14:22,155
Lyndsey called me.
387
00:14:22,157 --> 00:14:23,573
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
388
00:14:23,575 --> 00:14:25,942
Why didn't you say that
from the beginning?
389
00:14:27,394 --> 00:14:29,562
(loud knocking)
390
00:14:33,201 --> 00:14:35,502
She told me she is not okay
with me dating someone else.
391
00:14:35,504 --> 00:14:37,370
She has a boyfriend, okay?
392
00:14:37,372 --> 00:14:39,923
What she's doing to you is not fair.
So what should I do?
393
00:14:39,925 --> 00:14:42,042
You should do what every boy in
America has dreamed about doing,
394
00:14:42,044 --> 00:14:44,628
and go downstairs
and bang the Little Mermaid.
395
00:14:46,464 --> 00:14:47,580
You're right.
396
00:14:47,582 --> 00:14:49,432
A bush in the hand
and all that.
397
00:14:49,434 --> 00:14:51,384
Well, I'd tell you
to go screw her brains out,
398
00:14:51,386 --> 00:14:53,136
but somebody already
beat you to it.
399
00:14:55,890 --> 00:14:57,307
(cell phone ringing)
400
00:14:57,309 --> 00:14:58,975
Aw, great.
401
00:14:58,977 --> 00:15:00,710
Um...
402
00:15:00,712 --> 00:15:02,812
Hi, Lynds.
403
00:15:02,814 --> 00:15:05,315
No, no, you have, uh,
nothing to apologize for.
404
00:15:05,317 --> 00:15:08,285
I-I sent her home.
405
00:15:08,287 --> 00:15:11,922
You left a surprise for me?
406
00:15:11,924 --> 00:15:13,290
Oh...
407
00:15:13,292 --> 00:15:14,658
you didn't have to do that.
408
00:15:14,660 --> 00:15:17,193
Surprise!
409
00:15:17,195 --> 00:15:18,879
Lyndsey?
Yeah.
410
00:15:18,881 --> 00:15:21,164
I felt bad
about ruining your date
411
00:15:21,166 --> 00:15:23,600
so I wanted to make it up to you.
Oh.
412
00:15:23,602 --> 00:15:25,902
LAURIE:
Alan, where are you?
413
00:15:25,904 --> 00:15:27,220
Who was that?
414
00:15:27,222 --> 00:15:28,955
Oh, uh, that's just
a TV show I'm watching.
415
00:15:28,957 --> 00:15:29,923
It's called...
416
00:15:29,925 --> 00:15:31,958
Alan, Where Are You?
417
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,143
Um, well,
418
00:15:33,145 --> 00:15:34,477
you know what?
Thanks for dropping by,
419
00:15:34,479 --> 00:15:35,645
but I'm gonna have
to take a rain check.
420
00:15:35,647 --> 00:15:37,230
So I will see you soon.
421
00:15:37,232 --> 00:15:40,150
Are you done pooping?
422
00:15:40,152 --> 00:15:41,151
(groans)
423
00:15:41,153 --> 00:15:42,652
Whoop!
424
00:15:42,654 --> 00:15:44,387
Who the hell is this?
425
00:15:44,389 --> 00:15:46,156
Ooh, I'm so sorry.
426
00:15:46,158 --> 00:15:47,640
Is this your mom?
427
00:15:48,859 --> 00:15:51,278
Bitch, you are gonna die!
428
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:52,996
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on.
429
00:15:52,998 --> 00:15:55,665
I thought you said
you sent the slut home.
430
00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:57,667
How does she know I'm a slut?
431
00:15:57,669 --> 00:16:00,620
Okay, okay, this-this is just
a classic misunderstanding.
432
00:16:00,622 --> 00:16:03,340
It-it's like a bad episode
of Alan, Where Are You?
433
00:16:04,625 --> 00:16:06,042
You lied to me!
434
00:16:06,044 --> 00:16:07,677
I was just about
to kick her out.
435
00:16:07,679 --> 00:16:09,095
You were about to kick me out?
436
00:16:09,097 --> 00:16:10,931
I wasn't. I was.
437
00:16:10,933 --> 00:16:11,848
I wasn't.
438
00:16:11,850 --> 00:16:12,882
WALDEN:
Hey.
439
00:16:12,884 --> 00:16:14,134
What is going on?
440
00:16:14,136 --> 00:16:16,603
Alan's mom thinks I'm a slut.
441
00:16:16,605 --> 00:16:18,939
Alan's cheating on me.
442
00:16:18,941 --> 00:16:20,273
Uh, you have a boyfriend!
443
00:16:20,275 --> 00:16:22,008
Now who's the slut?
444
00:16:22,010 --> 00:16:23,276
Ooh, ooh!
445
00:16:23,278 --> 00:16:24,611
Okay, maybe...
446
00:16:24,613 --> 00:16:25,779
we should just get
our things and go.
447
00:16:25,781 --> 00:16:26,813
No, no, no, no, no, no!
448
00:16:26,815 --> 00:16:27,864
Don't-don't get your things.
449
00:16:27,866 --> 00:16:29,182
I like your things.
450
00:16:29,184 --> 00:16:31,451
I haven't even
seen your things.
451
00:16:31,453 --> 00:16:33,570
I really think we
should call it a night.
452
00:16:33,572 --> 00:16:35,188
No, Alan, do something!
453
00:16:35,190 --> 00:16:36,373
Uh, o-okay, what we're
gonna do is...
454
00:16:36,375 --> 00:16:39,743
(retching)
455
00:16:41,245 --> 00:16:43,413
Whoa!
456
00:16:44,465 --> 00:16:47,884
Whoa.
457
00:16:47,886 --> 00:16:50,053
Must have vagina!
458
00:16:55,142 --> 00:16:56,893
Morning.
459
00:16:56,895 --> 00:17:00,280
Hey, sorry for puking
in the living room last night.
460
00:17:00,282 --> 00:17:01,064
What?
461
00:17:01,066 --> 00:17:02,349
I think I just drank
462
00:17:02,351 --> 00:17:03,683
a little too much.
463
00:17:03,685 --> 00:17:05,201
Oh, th-that wasn't you.
That was Lyndsey.
464
00:17:05,203 --> 00:17:07,821
Oh, awesome!
465
00:17:07,823 --> 00:17:11,207
Guess who doesn't have
a drinking problem.
466
00:17:12,059 --> 00:17:13,994
Morning.
Morning.
467
00:17:13,996 --> 00:17:15,745
Sorry again about last night.
468
00:17:15,747 --> 00:17:18,415
You know what?
I really liked Jill.
469
00:17:18,417 --> 00:17:20,083
What happened was
out of my control.
470
00:17:20,085 --> 00:17:21,734
No, it wasn't!
471
00:17:21,736 --> 00:17:24,287
This whole non-relationship
relationship thing
472
00:17:24,289 --> 00:17:26,373
you have going on
with Lyndsey is ridiculous.
473
00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:27,757
And now it's affecting me.
474
00:17:27,759 --> 00:17:30,510
You owe me a princess
and an area rug.
475
00:17:31,846 --> 00:17:34,047
What happened?
I'll tell you what happened. Nothing.
476
00:17:34,049 --> 00:17:36,766
The only person who got hot,
drunk sex last night
477
00:17:36,768 --> 00:17:38,768
was Lyndsey's boyfriend.
478
00:17:38,770 --> 00:17:39,969
Actually...
479
00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:41,438
Okay, fine.
Him and you.
480
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,040
Well...
Aw, damn it!
481
00:17:47,745 --> 00:17:49,913
(doorbell rings)
482
00:17:54,368 --> 00:17:55,618
Lyndsey, can we talk?
483
00:17:55,620 --> 00:17:58,204
Sure, I've been puking
at 20-minute intervals.
484
00:17:58,206 --> 00:18:01,291
So... you got eight minutes.
485
00:18:01,293 --> 00:18:03,610
Look, a-about last night...
486
00:18:03,612 --> 00:18:05,495
I-I am really sorry.
487
00:18:05,497 --> 00:18:07,414
I-I was totally out of line.
488
00:18:07,416 --> 00:18:09,199
It's just...
I started picturing you
489
00:18:09,201 --> 00:18:11,668
with some other girl
and I got so jealous.
490
00:18:11,670 --> 00:18:13,470
I mean...
491
00:18:13,472 --> 00:18:14,971
isn't that crazy?
492
00:18:14,973 --> 00:18:16,556
It's you.
493
00:18:17,458 --> 00:18:20,060
Ouch, there was an iron fist
494
00:18:20,062 --> 00:18:21,895
in that velvet glove.
495
00:18:21,897 --> 00:18:24,347
Um, look.
496
00:18:24,349 --> 00:18:25,899
I want to be with you.
497
00:18:25,901 --> 00:18:27,650
And this whole thing with me,
498
00:18:27,652 --> 00:18:30,687
you and Larry
just isn't working anymore.
499
00:18:30,689 --> 00:18:33,073
So what are you saying?
500
00:18:33,075 --> 00:18:36,326
I'm saying
it's-it's either me or him.
501
00:18:36,328 --> 00:18:38,311
Well, it's not that simple.
502
00:18:38,313 --> 00:18:40,029
I can't just choose.
503
00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:42,165
I guess you already did.
504
00:18:43,417 --> 00:18:44,534
Good-bye, Lyndsey.
505
00:18:44,536 --> 00:18:46,002
Alan, wait.
506
00:18:46,004 --> 00:18:48,171
Yeah?
507
00:18:48,173 --> 00:18:50,957
I-I choose you.
508
00:18:50,959 --> 00:18:52,675
Really?
509
00:18:52,677 --> 00:18:54,961
Yeah.
Oh!
510
00:18:54,963 --> 00:18:57,313
Oh, you make me so happy.
You make me happy, too.
511
00:18:57,315 --> 00:18:59,249
So, you gonna
break up with Larry?
512
00:18:59,251 --> 00:19:01,551
Yes.
Aw, great.
513
00:19:01,553 --> 00:19:03,436
It feels so good
to be back in your arms.
514
00:19:03,438 --> 00:19:04,771
Yeah...
515
00:19:04,773 --> 00:19:06,506
Hold on.
516
00:19:07,324 --> 00:19:09,859
(retching)
517
00:19:09,861 --> 00:19:12,061
Oh, hold my hair!
518
00:19:14,648 --> 00:19:17,901
Oh, it's just like old times.
519
00:19:17,903 --> 00:19:20,120
(yells)
520
00:19:27,971 --> 00:19:30,155
♪ Men. ♪
521
00:19:31,357 --> 00:19:32,491
Wow.
522
00:19:32,493 --> 00:19:34,927
Yeah, wow.
523
00:19:34,929 --> 00:19:36,095
That was, uh...
524
00:19:36,097 --> 00:19:38,964
Boring.
Very.
525
00:19:38,966 --> 00:19:41,316
What was missing?
526
00:19:42,869 --> 00:19:46,355
Larry.
Larry.
527
00:19:46,357 --> 00:19:48,707
Knowing we're not supposed
to have sex made it way hotter.
528
00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:50,209
It really did.
529
00:19:50,211 --> 00:19:53,162
You think maybe Larry
would take you back?
530
00:19:53,164 --> 00:19:56,882
I haven't told him yet.
Smart.
531
00:19:56,884 --> 00:19:58,534
Hey.
532
00:19:58,536 --> 00:20:00,853
Now that we both know that
Larry's still in the picture,
533
00:20:00,855 --> 00:20:03,004
maybe we should try again.
534
00:20:03,006 --> 00:20:04,490
Okay.
535
00:20:04,492 --> 00:20:06,725
I promise this time
I won't fake my orgasm.
536
00:20:06,727 --> 00:20:09,061
Oh, then neither will I.
537
00:20:16,119 --> 00:20:17,820
Walden.
538
00:20:17,822 --> 00:20:19,204
Can you help me, miss?
539
00:20:19,206 --> 00:20:22,825
A beautiful woman fled my house
last night and the only clue
540
00:20:22,827 --> 00:20:24,409
I have to her identity
541
00:20:24,411 --> 00:20:27,379
is this shoe she left behind.
542
00:20:27,381 --> 00:20:31,250
Oh, that's very sweet,
but this isn't a good time.
543
00:20:31,252 --> 00:20:34,169
Why, is it...?
544
00:20:34,171 --> 00:20:36,371
Do I smell bacon?
545
00:20:36,373 --> 00:20:38,257
You should go.
546
00:20:38,259 --> 00:20:41,059
Everything okay, babe?
547
00:20:41,061 --> 00:20:43,979
JILL:
I just need a second.
548
00:20:43,981 --> 00:20:45,731
All right.
549
00:20:45,733 --> 00:20:49,685
Bacon's ready.
550
00:20:49,687 --> 00:20:52,053
I'm sorry.
551
00:20:53,508 --> 00:20:54,892
Damn you, Probst.
552
00:20:57,476 --> 00:20:59,827
♪ Men. ♪
553
00:20:59,852 --> 00:21:04,852
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man