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00:00:00,655 --> 00:00:02,166
Previously on
Two and a Half Men:
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00:00:02,191 --> 00:00:03,716
Larry, where can I
put this poop?
3
00:00:03,848 --> 00:00:05,748
This is my sister Gretchen.
She just moved here.
4
00:00:05,750 --> 00:00:07,300
Gretchen, this is
Jeff Strongman.
5
00:00:07,302 --> 00:00:09,519
Larry and Lyndsey are in
Palm Springs for the weekend.
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00:00:09,521 --> 00:00:11,354
You want to...
come inside?
7
00:00:11,356 --> 00:00:13,806
That's what she said!
That's what she said!
8
00:00:14,692 --> 00:00:15,925
No, I really like Gretchen.
9
00:00:15,927 --> 00:00:17,443
I can't do this.
10
00:00:17,445 --> 00:00:19,562
Jeff Strongman can't.
11
00:00:19,564 --> 00:00:20,897
But Alan Harper can.
12
00:00:20,899 --> 00:00:22,115
Works for me.
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00:00:24,985 --> 00:00:26,319
♪ Men ♪
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00:00:26,321 --> 00:00:27,487
(computer dings)
15
00:00:27,489 --> 00:00:29,022
Oh, ho, ho, boy.
16
00:00:29,024 --> 00:00:30,156
What?
17
00:00:30,158 --> 00:00:32,241
Just got an interesting e-mail.
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00:00:32,243 --> 00:00:34,210
If it says, "Local horny
housewives looking for action,"
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00:00:34,212 --> 00:00:35,545
it's a lie.
20
00:00:36,780 --> 00:00:40,500
It should say, "Local police
entrapping confused citizens."
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00:00:40,502 --> 00:00:42,752
It's an Evite from Kate.
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00:00:42,754 --> 00:00:45,171
She's opening a boutique in LA.
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00:00:45,173 --> 00:00:46,272
Who's Kate?
24
00:00:46,274 --> 00:00:47,590
Eh, it's a long story.
25
00:00:47,592 --> 00:00:49,509
It's not that long.
26
00:00:49,511 --> 00:00:52,095
Kate was the great love
of Walden's life
27
00:00:52,097 --> 00:00:53,596
who he met
by pretending he was poor.
28
00:00:53,598 --> 00:00:54,981
But by the time
he told her the truth,
29
00:00:54,983 --> 00:00:56,432
she'd become a successful
clothing designer
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00:00:56,434 --> 00:00:57,567
and moved to China.
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00:00:57,569 --> 00:00:59,152
At first they e-mailed
frequently but...
32
00:00:59,154 --> 00:01:01,437
you know,
it tapered off over time.
33
00:01:01,439 --> 00:01:03,523
Now he just uses
Google Earth to try to look
34
00:01:03,525 --> 00:01:05,408
in her bedroom window, but
the image hasn't refreshed
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00:01:05,410 --> 00:01:07,810
in months, so he just stares
for hours at this picture
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00:01:07,812 --> 00:01:10,980
of this Hong Kong cab driver
named Bai Ling, it's...
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00:01:12,333 --> 00:01:14,684
I never told you any of that.
38
00:01:14,686 --> 00:01:16,152
Well, it's kind of
my job to know
39
00:01:16,154 --> 00:01:17,537
the ins and outs of your life.
40
00:01:17,539 --> 00:01:19,105
No, it's not.
41
00:01:19,107 --> 00:01:20,340
Look, if you don't
want me know this stuff,
42
00:01:20,342 --> 00:01:21,708
come up with
a harder password than
43
00:01:21,710 --> 00:01:24,677
"QD-backslash-seven-two-dollar
symbol-big-C-little-K."
44
00:01:25,829 --> 00:01:29,349
Look, she-she says,
"I hope to see ya."
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00:01:29,351 --> 00:01:30,950
That's good, right?
46
00:01:30,952 --> 00:01:33,886
Is it "ya," Y-A,
47
00:01:33,888 --> 00:01:35,822
or "you," Y-O-U?
48
00:01:36,940 --> 00:01:37,907
"Ya." Y-A.
49
00:01:37,909 --> 00:01:39,375
Ehh.
Mm.
50
00:01:39,377 --> 00:01:41,110
Why ehh?
She hopes I can make it.
51
00:01:41,112 --> 00:01:43,396
I say "ya" when I want
to blow somebody off.
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00:01:43,398 --> 00:01:44,447
See ya.
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00:01:44,449 --> 00:01:46,015
Call ya.
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00:01:46,017 --> 00:01:48,067
I have "chlamydi-ya."
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00:01:49,203 --> 00:01:50,486
She's right.
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00:01:50,488 --> 00:01:52,354
Get out of here, "ya freak."
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00:01:52,356 --> 00:01:55,158
Never done this before,
have "ya"?
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00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:57,960
I'm your cousin,
what's wrong with...
59
00:01:57,962 --> 00:02:00,213
"ya"?
60
00:02:00,215 --> 00:02:02,632
It doesn't matter
whether it's you or ya.
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00:02:02,634 --> 00:02:04,834
The important thing
is she wants me to go.
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00:02:04,836 --> 00:02:06,085
On the other hand,
63
00:02:06,087 --> 00:02:07,703
it could be a mass e-mail.
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00:02:07,705 --> 00:02:10,173
I'd hate to show up
and have her talking to some guy
65
00:02:10,175 --> 00:02:12,091
named Jacques or Filippo.
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00:02:12,093 --> 00:02:14,077
Okay, those names
are awesome.
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00:02:14,079 --> 00:02:16,596
Hi, it's-a me, Filippo.
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00:02:16,598 --> 00:02:19,982
I live with my mother but it's-a
not weird 'cause I'm Italian.
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00:02:21,185 --> 00:02:22,151
Maybe I'm wrong.
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00:02:22,153 --> 00:02:23,519
Just go and see.
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00:02:23,521 --> 00:02:24,654
And Filippo...
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00:02:24,656 --> 00:02:26,406
your fly's open.
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00:02:27,858 --> 00:02:29,242
Scusi.
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00:02:30,794 --> 00:02:33,162
Hey.
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00:02:33,164 --> 00:02:34,447
Is that your stuff?
76
00:02:34,449 --> 00:02:35,348
Is it... h-happening?
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00:02:35,350 --> 00:02:37,083
Are you moving out?
78
00:02:37,085 --> 00:02:38,567
You're cute. I'm not leaving
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00:02:38,569 --> 00:02:40,620
till I'm in a box.
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00:02:41,922 --> 00:02:44,207
No, I, uh, I dug out
all our old board games
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00:02:44,209 --> 00:02:45,792
for my couples night with Larry.
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00:02:45,794 --> 00:02:47,844
You know, Monopoly,
Parcheesi, Clue.
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00:02:47,846 --> 00:02:49,912
Wow, first you have sex
with this guy's girlfriend,
84
00:02:49,914 --> 00:02:51,881
now you're having sex
with his sister?
85
00:02:51,883 --> 00:02:55,368
I'm going with Larry, in the
living room, with the lead pipe.
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00:02:55,370 --> 00:02:57,186
Larry actually wants us
to spend more time together
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00:02:57,188 --> 00:02:58,304
now that I'm dating Gretchen.
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00:02:58,306 --> 00:03:01,140
How's Lyndsey
taking you moving on?
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00:03:01,142 --> 00:03:04,426
Pretty well. Uh, last night
she said, "I still want you."
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00:03:04,428 --> 00:03:05,645
(gasps) "You."
"You."
91
00:03:05,647 --> 00:03:07,113
I heard him, I heard him.
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00:03:08,282 --> 00:03:10,950
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
93
00:03:10,952 --> 00:03:12,623
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
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00:03:12,624 --> 00:03:16,624
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x18 ♪
West Side Story
Original Air Date on April 3, 201
95
00:03:16,625 --> 00:03:20,625
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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♪ Men. ♪
Uh, it's a movie.
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00:03:24,134 --> 00:03:25,083
West Side Story.
98
00:03:25,085 --> 00:03:26,000
Ah, ding, ding, ding, ding.
99
00:03:26,002 --> 00:03:26,884
We have a winner.
(whoops)
100
00:03:26,886 --> 00:03:29,304
How the hell
did you get that?
101
00:03:29,306 --> 00:03:31,748
Oh, you know, fin,
shark, Sharks and Jets,
102
00:03:31,749 --> 00:03:34,283
and I know how my Jeffy
loves his musicals. (laughs)
103
00:03:34,285 --> 00:03:35,985
My favorite musical
is My Fair Lady 'cause
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00:03:35,987 --> 00:03:38,871
it reminds me of my Gretchie.
Aw.
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00:03:38,873 --> 00:03:40,456
I think I'm gonna wretchie.
106
00:03:41,458 --> 00:03:43,459
You guys are tough.
107
00:03:43,461 --> 00:03:45,577
Well, it's like I can read her mind.
I think it.
108
00:03:45,579 --> 00:03:46,595
And I say it.
Well...
109
00:03:46,597 --> 00:03:48,080
Larry and I are the same way.
110
00:03:48,082 --> 00:03:49,932
Watch. It's a movie.
111
00:03:51,685 --> 00:03:53,769
A duck. A beak. A duck.
112
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Flying ducks. Uh...
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00:03:54,856 --> 00:03:56,639
Duck's ahoy. Donald Duck.
114
00:03:56,641 --> 00:03:58,441
Daffy Duck. Duck and cover.
115
00:03:58,443 --> 00:04:01,777
Duck, duck, goose.
Duck Dynasty. Mighty Ducks.
116
00:04:02,779 --> 00:04:04,613
Mighty Ducks 2.
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00:04:04,615 --> 00:04:05,948
Mighty Ducks 3.
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It's not a duck.
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00:04:09,102 --> 00:04:11,603
Aflac.
120
00:04:11,605 --> 00:04:13,456
Ben Affleck.
121
00:04:13,458 --> 00:04:14,657
Good Will Hunting.
122
00:04:14,659 --> 00:04:15,774
Hunting ducks.
123
00:04:15,776 --> 00:04:17,827
Ducky, from Pretty in Pink.
124
00:04:19,413 --> 00:04:21,964
It's The Wizard of Oz.
125
00:04:21,966 --> 00:04:24,567
There's no duck
in The Wizard of Oz.
126
00:04:24,569 --> 00:04:26,669
What the duck is wrong with you?
127
00:04:27,838 --> 00:04:29,588
I need a drink.
128
00:04:29,590 --> 00:04:32,558
Uh, anyone else want
a refill? Gretchen?
129
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:34,126
Why don't you just
read her mind?
130
00:04:34,128 --> 00:04:36,178
Oh, okay, um...
131
00:04:36,180 --> 00:04:37,229
Sex on the beach.
132
00:04:37,231 --> 00:04:38,898
(laughs)
And not the drink.
133
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:42,651
Looks like my fair lady
is more like my naughty lady.
134
00:04:43,904 --> 00:04:46,138
Can you guess what
I'm thinking, Lyndsey?
135
00:04:46,140 --> 00:04:48,023
Ducks.
136
00:04:48,025 --> 00:04:49,942
Whoa, that is spooky.
137
00:04:49,944 --> 00:04:52,244
♪ Men. ♪
138
00:04:53,697 --> 00:04:55,147
Lyndsey!
139
00:04:55,149 --> 00:04:56,532
Hey, Alan.
140
00:04:56,534 --> 00:04:58,167
Let's see if you
can read my mind.
141
00:04:58,169 --> 00:05:01,003
I'll give you a hint:
it rhymes with duck.
142
00:05:02,422 --> 00:05:04,990
Oh, oh, I'm-I'm not sure
that's a good idea.
143
00:05:04,992 --> 00:05:07,092
I just came in
for a little dessert.
144
00:05:07,094 --> 00:05:10,963
Okay, uh, well, there's, uh,
there's pie, there's cake,
145
00:05:10,965 --> 00:05:14,099
there's (shudders):
gluten-free cookies.
146
00:05:14,101 --> 00:05:16,135
Hey, Jeff?
147
00:05:17,504 --> 00:05:19,171
Lyndsey?
148
00:05:19,173 --> 00:05:21,190
Hey, hey, how did I get here?
149
00:05:21,192 --> 00:05:22,107
Am I sleepwalking?
150
00:05:22,109 --> 00:05:24,527
Lyndsey?
151
00:05:24,529 --> 00:05:26,111
Thi-This isn't
what it looks like.
152
00:05:26,113 --> 00:05:27,563
It looks like you're cheating.
153
00:05:27,565 --> 00:05:29,648
O-Okay, I-I can explain,
thi-thi... uh...
154
00:05:29,650 --> 00:05:31,784
I'm not stupid.
I know what's going on.
155
00:05:33,353 --> 00:05:34,787
You're never gonna fit
in that wedding dress
156
00:05:34,789 --> 00:05:36,572
if you keep cheating
on your diet.
157
00:05:38,291 --> 00:05:39,191
Yes, the-the-the diet.
158
00:05:39,193 --> 00:05:41,377
He's not stupid.
159
00:05:41,379 --> 00:05:43,078
You're right, honey.
I am weak.
160
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:45,381
I-I... This is all
my fault, Larry.
161
00:05:45,383 --> 00:05:47,299
As best man, it's my job
to make sure that
162
00:05:47,301 --> 00:05:49,868
nothing goes into her mouth
that shouldn't be there.
163
00:05:49,870 --> 00:05:52,638
Exactly.
You can't let her blow it.
164
00:05:57,210 --> 00:05:59,311
♪ Men. ♪
165
00:05:59,313 --> 00:06:01,564
Oh, my God.
I'm so nervous.
166
00:06:01,566 --> 00:06:02,982
Do I look nervous?
167
00:06:02,984 --> 00:06:04,767
I don't want to be
nervous... (hacks)
168
00:06:05,885 --> 00:06:07,937
Dry mouth,
it's... (hacks)
169
00:06:09,322 --> 00:06:12,324
Is that weird? I don't want
to be weird. Am I weird?
170
00:06:15,529 --> 00:06:16,996
There she is.
171
00:06:16,998 --> 00:06:18,414
(hacks)
172
00:06:19,866 --> 00:06:21,066
Hi, handsome.
173
00:06:21,068 --> 00:06:23,035
Hey, bring it in.
(laughs)
174
00:06:23,037 --> 00:06:24,670
Oh, wow!
175
00:06:24,672 --> 00:06:26,789
I-I forgot how
beautiful you are.
176
00:06:26,791 --> 00:06:28,040
That's a lie.
177
00:06:28,042 --> 00:06:29,375
I think about it every day.
178
00:06:29,377 --> 00:06:30,843
You look beautiful, too.
179
00:06:30,845 --> 00:06:32,744
Thank you. I'm using
a new seaweed scrub.
180
00:06:32,746 --> 00:06:35,414
It makes me smell like
dead fish, but I get a glow.
181
00:06:35,416 --> 00:06:36,682
This is Barry and Jenny.
182
00:06:36,684 --> 00:06:39,134
Uh, they're my...
183
00:06:39,136 --> 00:06:40,240
new Alans.
184
00:06:40,265 --> 00:06:42,222
Oh. Hi, it's nice
to meet you.
185
00:06:42,223 --> 00:06:43,439
You, too.
186
00:06:43,441 --> 00:06:44,974
You look different than
your satellite photos.
187
00:06:44,976 --> 00:06:47,726
Whoa, Barry.
Can you hang on one second?
188
00:06:47,728 --> 00:06:49,261
I just have to say good-bye
to this magazine editor.
189
00:06:49,286 --> 00:06:50,313
Uh, yeah, sure.
190
00:06:50,314 --> 00:06:51,330
Okay, I'll be right back.
Okay.
191
00:06:51,332 --> 00:06:52,648
Oh, uh, uh, if you
can't find me,
192
00:06:52,650 --> 00:06:55,117
just follow
the smell of dead fish.
193
00:06:55,119 --> 00:06:56,986
Oh, my God, if I die tonight,
that's gonna be
194
00:06:56,988 --> 00:06:58,904
the last thing
she remembers me saying.
195
00:06:58,906 --> 00:07:00,205
(hacks)
196
00:07:02,542 --> 00:07:04,276
Would you just relax?
197
00:07:04,278 --> 00:07:06,412
She's obviously into you.
I mean,
198
00:07:06,414 --> 00:07:08,881
she looks at you
the way that...
199
00:07:08,883 --> 00:07:10,549
he looks at me.
200
00:07:10,551 --> 00:07:13,252
Like... she wants to eat me?
201
00:07:13,254 --> 00:07:14,970
Exactly.
202
00:07:14,972 --> 00:07:16,722
Barry, when I said,
"bite me,"
203
00:07:16,724 --> 00:07:18,891
it didn't mean
what you think it means.
204
00:07:20,176 --> 00:07:21,627
Just-Just ask her out.
205
00:07:21,629 --> 00:07:23,679
What... And then what?
Then she goes back to China,
206
00:07:23,681 --> 00:07:25,230
and I get left
heartbroken again?
207
00:07:25,232 --> 00:07:26,565
Think about it this way:
208
00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:29,018
You can either spend the next
two days hanging out with her
209
00:07:29,020 --> 00:07:32,688
or the next two days
hanging out with us.
210
00:07:33,657 --> 00:07:35,407
Kate...?
211
00:07:35,409 --> 00:07:36,742
Come on, Barry.
212
00:07:36,744 --> 00:07:38,661
Let's get drunk
and grope models.
213
00:07:41,698 --> 00:07:42,748
That's nice.
214
00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:44,950
Oh...!
215
00:07:46,252 --> 00:07:48,120
What... Walden? Sorry.
216
00:07:48,122 --> 00:07:51,206
I... (chuckles)
So my date's a little tipsy.
217
00:07:51,208 --> 00:07:53,208
Don't worry, she's not driving.
218
00:07:54,210 --> 00:07:57,129
Hey, do you want to go out?
219
00:07:57,131 --> 00:07:59,965
I don't know, for-for
dinner or something?
220
00:07:59,967 --> 00:08:03,686
I mean, no pressure. Just
two old friends catching up.
221
00:08:03,688 --> 00:08:06,188
Yeah.
Two old friends who've...
222
00:08:06,190 --> 00:08:07,957
taken pictures
of each other naked.
223
00:08:07,959 --> 00:08:09,808
I don't know what
you're talking about.
224
00:08:09,810 --> 00:08:12,177
I deleted those photos.
I didn't.
225
00:08:12,179 --> 00:08:13,612
Me neither.
(laughs)
226
00:08:13,614 --> 00:08:17,149
Well, I do want to hear
what's been going on.
227
00:08:17,151 --> 00:08:18,984
I've got so much to tell you.
228
00:08:18,986 --> 00:08:20,352
So let's-let's do it.
229
00:08:20,354 --> 00:08:22,287
Okay. Dinner.
230
00:08:22,289 --> 00:08:24,189
Conversation. No sex.
231
00:08:24,191 --> 00:08:26,709
Get rid of the conversation and
we can pretend we're married.
232
00:08:26,711 --> 00:08:28,860
(laughs)
♪ Men. ♪
233
00:08:28,862 --> 00:08:31,330
Well, thanks again.
This was fun.
234
00:08:31,332 --> 00:08:32,548
I'm gonna walk Jeff out.
235
00:08:32,550 --> 00:08:34,199
Oh, right, you guys
probably want some privacy
236
00:08:34,201 --> 00:08:36,085
so you can play tonsil hockey.
237
00:08:37,637 --> 00:08:39,254
Seriously, Larry?
238
00:08:39,256 --> 00:08:40,806
What? It's not like we
don't know they're having sex.
239
00:08:40,808 --> 00:08:42,307
Remember the other night
when I was like,
240
00:08:42,309 --> 00:08:44,259
"Wow, they're really
going at it," and you were like,
241
00:08:44,261 --> 00:08:46,178
"Larry," and I was like,
"What?," and you were like
242
00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:48,097
"Focus on me," and I was like,
"Why? I already finished,"
243
00:08:48,099 --> 00:08:50,482
and you were like...
I remember.
244
00:08:51,901 --> 00:08:54,486
Why don't I get
the door for you?
245
00:08:54,488 --> 00:08:55,938
Well, uh, once again,
we had a lovely
246
00:08:55,940 --> 00:08:57,940
evening, it was a very nice...
Yeah, yeah, see ya.
247
00:09:00,326 --> 00:09:02,244
Wow. That was
uncomfortable.
248
00:09:02,246 --> 00:09:04,563
I think Lyndsey's
tired of having me around.
249
00:09:04,565 --> 00:09:06,665
I've been living
in the guest room for two weeks.
250
00:09:06,667 --> 00:09:08,400
Doesn't seem so long to me.
251
00:09:08,402 --> 00:09:10,619
Hey, how about tomorrow night,
we go to your place?
252
00:09:10,621 --> 00:09:12,504
Uh, my place?
253
00:09:12,506 --> 00:09:15,340
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
Oh, oh, but, uh,
254
00:09:15,342 --> 00:09:17,710
but what about Larry? I mean,
he-he seems to really enjoy
255
00:09:17,712 --> 00:09:19,094
hearing us have sex.
256
00:09:19,096 --> 00:09:22,264
Jeff, do you not want me
to see your place?
257
00:09:22,266 --> 00:09:24,516
I mean, If you're worried about
getting rid of your porn, don't.
258
00:09:24,518 --> 00:09:25,968
I love porn.
259
00:09:25,970 --> 00:09:27,970
You're perfect.
260
00:09:27,972 --> 00:09:29,421
Did someone make you in the lab
261
00:09:29,423 --> 00:09:30,939
or were you sent
directly from Heaven?
262
00:09:30,941 --> 00:09:31,890
That's me.
263
00:09:31,892 --> 00:09:33,275
I am a robot angel
264
00:09:33,277 --> 00:09:36,729
who loves masturbating
to pornography.
265
00:09:36,731 --> 00:09:38,697
My place it is.
Tomorrow night.
266
00:09:38,699 --> 00:09:40,733
Great.
267
00:09:40,735 --> 00:09:42,818
I can't wait to see
what your place looks like.
268
00:09:42,820 --> 00:09:44,653
(chuckles)
269
00:09:44,655 --> 00:09:45,988
(door closes)
270
00:09:45,990 --> 00:09:48,957
Neither can I.
271
00:09:48,959 --> 00:09:51,994
♪ Men. ♪
272
00:09:51,996 --> 00:09:54,963
Mm! Oh, uh, quick, Barry,
call the police.
273
00:09:54,965 --> 00:09:58,801
A male model is robbing us and
he's already stolen my heart.
274
00:09:58,803 --> 00:10:00,335
What do you want?
275
00:10:00,337 --> 00:10:03,088
My heart back.
276
00:10:03,090 --> 00:10:05,424
Also, uh, Gretchen
is coming over tonight.
277
00:10:05,426 --> 00:10:06,642
Why?
278
00:10:06,644 --> 00:10:10,179
She wants to see
Jeff Strongman's place.
279
00:10:10,181 --> 00:10:13,315
This isn't even
Alan Harper's place.
280
00:10:13,317 --> 00:10:15,484
Ooh, "Alan Harper's Place."
That's a...
281
00:10:15,486 --> 00:10:17,236
That's a good name
for a sitcom.
282
00:10:17,238 --> 00:10:18,687
Alan Harper's Place
283
00:10:18,689 --> 00:10:21,640
is filmed before
a live studio audience.
284
00:10:21,642 --> 00:10:23,742
That's funny. Anyway...
285
00:10:23,744 --> 00:10:26,311
just while she's here,
just call me Jeff.
286
00:10:26,313 --> 00:10:28,997
Or Mr. Strongman, J-Dawg,
you know, whatever.
287
00:10:28,999 --> 00:10:30,532
Just have fun with it.
288
00:10:30,534 --> 00:10:32,584
Okay, I'm gonna go
on my date now.
289
00:10:32,586 --> 00:10:34,837
And when I get back,
I don't want to see Gretchen
290
00:10:34,839 --> 00:10:38,457
or Jeff or J-Dawg
291
00:10:38,459 --> 00:10:41,009
or DJ Strongman.
292
00:10:41,011 --> 00:10:42,594
(chuckles)
Word.
293
00:10:42,596 --> 00:10:44,930
Yeah. You know, in fact,
I don't even want to see Alan
294
00:10:44,932 --> 00:10:49,268
or A-Dawg or any of the cast
of Alan Harper'ace.
295
00:10:50,386 --> 00:10:52,020
You know...
296
00:10:52,022 --> 00:10:53,889
if I had a place to sleep here,
297
00:10:53,891 --> 00:10:56,191
my apartment would be free.
298
00:10:56,193 --> 00:10:59,428
You had me at "free."
299
00:10:59,430 --> 00:11:01,697
♪ Men. ♪
300
00:11:01,699 --> 00:11:03,348
So, have you traveled
around China at all?
301
00:11:03,350 --> 00:11:04,733
Did you get to
see the Great Wall?
302
00:11:04,735 --> 00:11:05,734
Yeah, I saw it.
303
00:11:05,736 --> 00:11:06,819
It's a good wall.
304
00:11:06,821 --> 00:11:08,070
It's not great.
305
00:11:08,072 --> 00:11:10,439
I felt the same way
about the Grand Canyon.
306
00:11:10,441 --> 00:11:12,207
More like the Bland Canyon.
307
00:11:12,209 --> 00:11:14,526
(laughs)
I'm glad we came back here.
308
00:11:14,528 --> 00:11:16,411
I thought it was appropriate
to come back to the place
309
00:11:16,413 --> 00:11:17,546
we had our first date.
310
00:11:17,548 --> 00:11:19,131
Yeah, it's very sweet.
311
00:11:19,133 --> 00:11:21,032
Of course, that's when I thought
you were poor.
312
00:11:21,034 --> 00:11:22,751
Now you're just cheap.
313
00:11:22,753 --> 00:11:25,554
Well, I figured
since we're not having sex,
314
00:11:25,556 --> 00:11:27,723
why bother spending a lot
of money on dinner?
315
00:11:27,725 --> 00:11:30,843
Tonight just kind of
feels right, you know?
316
00:11:30,845 --> 00:11:32,628
Totally. And, honestly,
317
00:11:32,630 --> 00:11:34,680
the no sex thing
isn't weird at all.
318
00:11:34,682 --> 00:11:36,732
I didn't even have
to shave my legs.
319
00:11:36,734 --> 00:11:39,351
I did, but that was more
of a personal choice. (laughs)
320
00:11:39,353 --> 00:11:42,654
It's like friends
with no benefits.
321
00:11:42,656 --> 00:11:43,856
Yeah, I actually
kind of prefer it.
322
00:11:43,858 --> 00:11:45,941
I mean, there's no pressure.
No nerves.
323
00:11:45,943 --> 00:11:47,659
No walk of shame.
324
00:11:47,661 --> 00:11:49,244
No massages.
325
00:11:49,246 --> 00:11:51,864
No... hot oil.
326
00:11:51,866 --> 00:11:53,782
No kisses on my neck.
327
00:11:53,784 --> 00:11:57,469
No fingers running
down my spine.
328
00:11:57,471 --> 00:11:59,922
No orgasms.
329
00:11:59,924 --> 00:12:03,508
No idea why we're not
having sex right now.
330
00:12:03,510 --> 00:12:05,544
I'll race you to the car.
I'm right behind you.
331
00:12:05,546 --> 00:12:06,170
♪ Men. ♪
332
00:12:15,174 --> 00:12:17,375
♪ Men. ♪
333
00:12:17,377 --> 00:12:20,245
Oh, God, I've been waiting
a year for this.
334
00:12:20,247 --> 00:12:22,080
It feels so great
to be with you again.
335
00:12:22,082 --> 00:12:24,032
Uh-uh-uh.
That's against the rules.
336
00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:25,250
No feelings.
337
00:12:25,252 --> 00:12:27,218
So you don't want me
to feel this?
338
00:12:27,220 --> 00:12:29,170
(gasps)
339
00:12:29,172 --> 00:12:31,172
Apparently,
the rules can be bent.
340
00:12:31,174 --> 00:12:33,341
And straightened.
(chuckles)
341
00:12:33,343 --> 00:12:34,876
(moaning)
342
00:12:34,878 --> 00:12:37,062
(stomach gurgles)
343
00:12:39,649 --> 00:12:41,316
Was that... you or me?
344
00:12:41,318 --> 00:12:43,268
Girls don't make sounds
like that, Walden.
345
00:12:43,270 --> 00:12:45,070
Oh. Mm.
346
00:12:45,072 --> 00:12:48,823
(moaning)
(stomach gurgles)
347
00:12:48,825 --> 00:12:50,825
That was you!
348
00:12:52,862 --> 00:12:54,863
(retching, vomiting)
349
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:01,402
Did I make it to the toilet?
350
00:13:02,788 --> 00:13:05,757
♪ Men. ♪
351
00:13:08,661 --> 00:13:11,112
Oh, this is
a cute place.
352
00:13:11,114 --> 00:13:13,048
Yeah, it really is cute,
isn't it?
353
00:13:13,050 --> 00:13:15,467
I really like
what I've done with it.
354
00:13:15,469 --> 00:13:16,885
(cat meows)
355
00:13:16,887 --> 00:13:18,586
Oh, and you have
a cat.
356
00:13:18,588 --> 00:13:20,605
Apparently I do.
357
00:13:20,607 --> 00:13:22,423
What's his name?
358
00:13:22,425 --> 00:13:25,060
Uh, his name is... Mister...
359
00:13:25,062 --> 00:13:26,811
Cat.
360
00:13:26,813 --> 00:13:30,648
You are terrible at coming up
with names, Jeff Strongman.
361
00:13:31,867 --> 00:13:33,935
Hey, you didn't tell me
you went to MIT.
362
00:13:33,937 --> 00:13:36,287
Uh, well, you know, I don't like
to brag. (chuckles)
363
00:13:36,289 --> 00:13:37,655
Well, what'd you major in?
364
00:13:37,657 --> 00:13:39,858
Uh... math.
365
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,877
With a-a focus on...
366
00:13:42,879 --> 00:13:44,913
numbers.
367
00:13:44,915 --> 00:13:46,798
I'm terrible at math.
368
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,468
Every time I count to 100,
I keep getting stuck on 69.
369
00:13:50,470 --> 00:13:53,621
(chuckles)
Ooh, dirty math jokes.
370
00:13:53,623 --> 00:13:57,559
Let's see how many times
your orgasms multiply.
371
00:13:57,561 --> 00:14:00,061
(giggles)
372
00:14:00,063 --> 00:14:02,313
We really are perfect
for each other.
373
00:14:02,315 --> 00:14:03,765
I know, right?
374
00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:05,633
Can I tell you something?
375
00:14:05,635 --> 00:14:07,235
Yeah, of course, anything.
376
00:14:07,237 --> 00:14:10,305
You are the first man
I have trusted since my divorce.
377
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:15,160
Well, uh, you know, MIT
stands for "Man I Trust," so...
378
00:14:15,162 --> 00:14:17,779
No, it's...
it's more than that.
379
00:14:17,781 --> 00:14:20,448
My husband was a liar
and a cheater.
380
00:14:20,450 --> 00:14:22,784
He was not the man
I thought he was.
381
00:14:22,786 --> 00:14:25,486
Well, you know, some guys
can be real jerks.
382
00:14:25,488 --> 00:14:28,506
Well, thank God
you're not like that, Jeff.
383
00:14:28,508 --> 00:14:31,926
(chuckling):
Yeah. Thank God.
384
00:14:31,928 --> 00:14:34,162
I'm sorry. I don't mean
to bring us down. It just...
385
00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:37,849
feels so good to open up and
let somebody in again, you know?
386
00:14:37,851 --> 00:14:39,601
Aw, well, I'm glad you did.
387
00:14:39,603 --> 00:14:41,469
In fact, I'm not even
gonna make a dirty joke
388
00:14:41,471 --> 00:14:42,775
about you opening up
and letting me in.
389
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:43,856
Oh!
390
00:14:43,857 --> 00:14:47,475
You care enough about me
to pass up sexy wordplay. (chuckles)
391
00:14:47,477 --> 00:14:50,028
And it was very hard on me.
(chuckles)
392
00:14:50,030 --> 00:14:51,529
You said "hard on."
Kiss me.
393
00:14:51,531 --> 00:14:54,015
♪ Men. ♪
394
00:14:54,017 --> 00:14:56,568
(Kate moaning)
395
00:14:56,570 --> 00:14:58,269
How you doing in there?
You okay?
396
00:14:58,271 --> 00:15:00,738
Oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God.
397
00:15:00,740 --> 00:15:02,557
(moans)
398
00:15:02,559 --> 00:15:05,794
You know, if someone read
a transcript of this date,
399
00:15:05,796 --> 00:15:08,129
it'd sound like
we were having hot sex.
400
00:15:08,131 --> 00:15:11,683
Oh, God,
it's in my hair.
401
00:15:11,685 --> 00:15:15,587
That sounds like we just
finished having hot sex.
402
00:15:15,589 --> 00:15:17,055
(distant shriek)
403
00:15:17,057 --> 00:15:18,723
What was that?
404
00:15:18,725 --> 00:15:22,977
Hold on. I think
Alan just saw a spider again.
405
00:15:23,813 --> 00:15:24,813
What the hell
is going on?
406
00:15:24,815 --> 00:15:26,681
Whoa. Lyndsey.
407
00:15:26,683 --> 00:15:28,716
Barry!
408
00:15:28,718 --> 00:15:30,151
Wait, you two didn't...
409
00:15:30,153 --> 00:15:32,103
Are you kidding? No!
410
00:15:32,105 --> 00:15:34,155
Third base.
411
00:15:34,157 --> 00:15:36,524
I got into bed
to surprise Alan, and...
412
00:15:36,526 --> 00:15:38,693
Scusi.
413
00:15:38,695 --> 00:15:40,028
Where is Alan?
414
00:15:40,030 --> 00:15:41,529
Uh, he's at my place.
415
00:15:41,531 --> 00:15:42,614
What?
What?
416
00:15:42,616 --> 00:15:45,750
(stomach gurgles)
417
00:15:45,752 --> 00:15:47,785
What the hell was that?
418
00:15:47,787 --> 00:15:49,003
Oh, God.
419
00:15:50,873 --> 00:15:52,624
(retching)
420
00:15:52,626 --> 00:15:57,578
So... you ready for a ride
on the Barry-go-round?
421
00:15:59,715 --> 00:16:02,083
♪ Men. ♪
422
00:16:02,085 --> 00:16:04,418
(moans, sniffs)
423
00:16:04,420 --> 00:16:08,973
(grunts) I really regret buying
a wicker wastebasket right now.
424
00:16:10,276 --> 00:16:12,310
Thank you.
425
00:16:12,312 --> 00:16:14,595
I can't help feeling
this is my fault.
426
00:16:14,597 --> 00:16:17,315
Why? Just 'cause you ordered
the squid surprise?
427
00:16:17,317 --> 00:16:19,734
"Try it, Walden,
it won't kill you."
428
00:16:19,736 --> 00:16:21,602
I wish it had.
(laughs)
429
00:16:21,604 --> 00:16:25,707
Only you could make me smile
when I'm this sick.
430
00:16:25,709 --> 00:16:27,659
I really missed you.
431
00:16:27,661 --> 00:16:30,161
I've missed you, too.
432
00:16:30,163 --> 00:16:32,664
Even if this is the way
that we spend the whole time
433
00:16:32,666 --> 00:16:33,831
that you're here...
434
00:16:35,217 --> 00:16:37,618
...I'm just glad
that we're together.
435
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:39,254
You are so sweet.
436
00:16:39,256 --> 00:16:41,639
Hey, uh, you know
right after you throw up,
437
00:16:41,641 --> 00:16:45,126
how there's that 20-minute
window when you feel better?
438
00:16:45,128 --> 00:16:46,177
Yeah...?
439
00:16:46,179 --> 00:16:47,845
I'm in mine.
440
00:16:47,847 --> 00:16:48,980
So...
441
00:16:48,982 --> 00:16:51,632
if you're in yours...
442
00:16:51,634 --> 00:16:54,652
Then you could put yours
in mine.
443
00:16:54,654 --> 00:16:56,771
Exactly.
444
00:16:56,773 --> 00:16:58,072
(chuckles)
445
00:16:58,074 --> 00:16:59,107
(stomach gurgles)
446
00:16:59,109 --> 00:17:00,474
Uh-oh.
447
00:17:00,476 --> 00:17:01,943
Window's closing!
448
00:17:01,945 --> 00:17:03,778
(stomach gurgling)
449
00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:05,947
(moans) Me, too.
450
00:17:06,648 --> 00:17:09,117
♪ Men. ♪
451
00:17:09,119 --> 00:17:12,620
Ooh, squid.
452
00:17:13,505 --> 00:17:17,208
Shrimp's sexy sister.
453
00:17:20,429 --> 00:17:22,213
Mmm.
(doorbell rings)
454
00:17:22,215 --> 00:17:24,882
Mm.
455
00:17:24,884 --> 00:17:26,718
Mmm, hmm.
456
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,319
Tastes a little odd, but, eh,
457
00:17:28,321 --> 00:17:30,888
Alans can't be choosers.
458
00:17:36,395 --> 00:17:37,612
Oh, hey, Lyndsey, what's up?
459
00:17:37,614 --> 00:17:40,014
Where were you last night?
Last night?
460
00:17:40,016 --> 00:17:41,149
And don't do that thing
where you ask questions
461
00:17:41,151 --> 00:17:42,450
while you think of a lie.
462
00:17:42,452 --> 00:17:45,737
That thing where I ask questions
while I think of a lie?
463
00:17:46,739 --> 00:17:48,022
I was with Gretchen.
464
00:17:48,024 --> 00:17:49,857
I see.
Well, I snuck into your room
465
00:17:49,859 --> 00:17:51,025
to give you a little surprise
466
00:17:51,027 --> 00:17:53,878
and molested the kid
sleeping in your bed.
467
00:17:54,947 --> 00:17:56,247
Please tell me he's 18.
468
00:17:56,249 --> 00:17:59,550
Honestly, if you told me
he was anywhere from 12 to 60
469
00:17:59,552 --> 00:18:01,369
I'd believe you.
470
00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:02,887
Okay, fine. L-Let's not
waste time fighting.
471
00:18:02,889 --> 00:18:05,506
I have a half hour
till I have to go meet Larry.
472
00:18:05,508 --> 00:18:08,509
He's in the park
feeding the frickin' ducks.
473
00:18:08,511 --> 00:18:10,878
Oh. Oh, no, no.
Lyndsey, wait. Um...
474
00:18:10,880 --> 00:18:12,063
What?
475
00:18:12,065 --> 00:18:13,548
I can't do this.
476
00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:15,984
What do you need:
pills, porn or pinky?
477
00:18:15,986 --> 00:18:19,220
No... no, I'm-I'm-I'm not
gonna have-have sex with you.
478
00:18:19,222 --> 00:18:20,855
I-I really like Gretchen.
479
00:18:20,857 --> 00:18:23,024
I'm-I'm not gonna
cheat on her.
480
00:18:23,026 --> 00:18:25,059
Wow.
481
00:18:25,061 --> 00:18:26,894
Okay.
482
00:18:26,896 --> 00:18:28,196
I'm sorry.
483
00:18:30,199 --> 00:18:33,401
So, I-I guess this is good-bye.
484
00:18:33,403 --> 00:18:36,404
Well, I'm still gonna be
the best man at your wedding.
485
00:18:37,289 --> 00:18:39,407
Good-bye, Alan.
486
00:18:40,843 --> 00:18:43,127
Well, well,
look who's back for more.
487
00:18:43,129 --> 00:18:46,647
Get away from me,
ya freak.
488
00:18:46,649 --> 00:18:49,767
Wait, did you say "ya" or "you"?
489
00:18:50,469 --> 00:18:52,253
♪ Men. ♪
490
00:18:52,255 --> 00:18:53,271
(sighs)
Well...
491
00:18:53,273 --> 00:18:55,589
this has been horrible.
492
00:18:55,591 --> 00:18:56,991
Yes.
493
00:18:56,993 --> 00:18:59,861
But from now on,
every time you see a toilet,
494
00:18:59,863 --> 00:19:01,696
you'll think of me.
495
00:19:01,698 --> 00:19:03,731
And every time
you hear a woman say
496
00:19:03,733 --> 00:19:05,733
"Hold my hair
out of the puke water,"
497
00:19:05,735 --> 00:19:07,435
you'll think of me.
(chuckles)
498
00:19:07,437 --> 00:19:10,071
So, listen,
499
00:19:10,073 --> 00:19:12,323
next time we see each other,
if we're still single,
500
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:16,377
we'll forget all the rules
and just... bang our brains out.
501
00:19:16,379 --> 00:19:17,628
At the very least,
502
00:19:17,630 --> 00:19:19,797
I'll get an air mattress
for the bathroom floor.
503
00:19:19,799 --> 00:19:21,632
(chuckles)
Agreed.
504
00:19:22,751 --> 00:19:24,335
Let's not make a big deal
of this.
505
00:19:24,337 --> 00:19:27,088
Let's just... kiss
and say good-bye.
506
00:19:31,009 --> 00:19:33,261
Bye.
Bye.
507
00:19:37,066 --> 00:19:40,234
BERTA:
Sorry about that.
508
00:19:41,803 --> 00:19:43,304
Thanks.
509
00:19:43,306 --> 00:19:45,606
By the way, I saw your bathroom.
510
00:19:45,608 --> 00:19:46,974
I quit.
511
00:19:46,976 --> 00:19:49,494
(knocking on door)
512
00:19:51,182 --> 00:19:52,265
Screw China.
513
00:19:52,949 --> 00:19:54,282
Let's do it right now.
514
00:19:54,284 --> 00:19:56,084
Oh, wow.
515
00:19:56,086 --> 00:19:58,035
You're lighter
than I remember.
516
00:19:58,037 --> 00:20:00,671
I'm not lighter,
I'm just empty.
517
00:20:00,673 --> 00:20:03,591
(whoops, chuckles)
518
00:20:03,593 --> 00:20:06,461
Puking all night
and screwing all day.
519
00:20:06,463 --> 00:20:08,629
It's like Charlie never left.
520
00:20:08,631 --> 00:20:11,966
♪ Men. ♪
521
00:20:17,456 --> 00:20:18,506
♪ Men. ♪
522
00:20:18,508 --> 00:20:19,991
(cat screeching)
Ow, ow!
523
00:20:19,993 --> 00:20:21,509
(cat yowling)
D-Down, Mr. Cat.
524
00:20:21,511 --> 00:20:24,495
Down! Down!
525
00:20:25,264 --> 00:20:26,631
I really love that little guy.
526
00:20:26,633 --> 00:20:28,850
You want some breakfast?
527
00:20:28,852 --> 00:20:31,936
Uh, sure, if it comes
with a side order of Gretchen.
528
00:20:31,938 --> 00:20:33,855
You can serve me over easy.
529
00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:36,274
And you can serve me sunny-side
all up in your bid-ness.
530
00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:37,442
(chuckles)
531
00:20:40,446 --> 00:20:42,730
Oh. Hey.
532
00:20:42,732 --> 00:20:44,899
Who the hell are you?
No, it-it's okay, it's okay.
533
00:20:44,901 --> 00:20:46,067
This is my...
534
00:20:47,119 --> 00:20:48,620
...son.
535
00:20:49,321 --> 00:20:50,955
Jimmy.
536
00:20:50,957 --> 00:20:53,408
Jimmy Strongman.
537
00:20:53,410 --> 00:20:57,028
It's Jim, Dad.
I'm not a little kid anymore.
538
00:20:57,030 --> 00:20:58,997
(stomach grumbles)
539
00:20:58,999 --> 00:21:00,798
Oh, God.
540
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:01,883
What was that?
541
00:21:01,885 --> 00:21:04,052
Squid!
542
00:21:06,255 --> 00:21:07,956
Mmm.
543
00:21:07,958 --> 00:21:10,258
My other mom
never dressed like that.
544
00:21:10,260 --> 00:21:12,427
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man