1
00:00:02,012 --> 00:00:03,812
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:05,382 --> 00:00:07,249
Hello, Walden.
Good to see you.
3
00:00:07,251 --> 00:00:09,351
I would say, "Good to see you,"
but, of course,
4
00:00:09,353 --> 00:00:12,588
when I see you, it's usually
'cause things aren't good.
5
00:00:13,556 --> 00:00:16,825
Well, if things were
always good with people,
6
00:00:16,827 --> 00:00:19,428
I wouldn't have that condo
in Palm Springs.
7
00:00:20,664 --> 00:00:22,197
So...
8
00:00:22,199 --> 00:00:23,899
what's going on?
9
00:00:23,901 --> 00:00:27,202
Well, I left
the woman that I loved
10
00:00:27,204 --> 00:00:28,370
and thought I was gonna marry
11
00:00:28,372 --> 00:00:31,373
for another woman
who I thought I loved more,
12
00:00:31,375 --> 00:00:33,242
and then...
13
00:00:33,244 --> 00:00:34,777
I lost them both.
14
00:00:34,779 --> 00:00:36,378
So tell me about these women.
15
00:00:36,380 --> 00:00:37,947
Well, Kate was my ex,
16
00:00:37,949 --> 00:00:40,349
but the only reason
we broke up in the first place
17
00:00:40,351 --> 00:00:41,750
is 'cause she moved to China.
18
00:00:41,752 --> 00:00:43,552
Um, she's amazing.
19
00:00:43,554 --> 00:00:44,787
(soft laugh)
20
00:00:44,789 --> 00:00:46,989
She's smart and driven
21
00:00:46,991 --> 00:00:50,459
and sexy and beautiful.
22
00:00:50,461 --> 00:00:51,994
Then there's
23
00:00:51,996 --> 00:00:55,230
Vivian, who's a girl
who knocked on my door
24
00:00:55,232 --> 00:00:57,733
'cause she wanted
to drink from my hose.
25
00:00:57,735 --> 00:01:01,136
Okay, let's table
the hose part for now
26
00:01:01,138 --> 00:01:04,173
and focus on the fact that you
broke up with a woman you loved
27
00:01:04,175 --> 00:01:06,475
for a stranger
who knocked on your door.
28
00:01:06,477 --> 00:01:08,544
I know. Romantic, right?
29
00:01:08,546 --> 00:01:11,046
What the hell's wrong with you?
30
00:01:11,048 --> 00:01:13,248
Isn't that what
I'm paying you to tell me?
31
00:01:13,250 --> 00:01:14,917
Well, if I just
tell you the answers,
32
00:01:14,919 --> 00:01:18,020
I don't get to yell at you. And
this has to be fun for me, too.
33
00:01:18,788 --> 00:01:20,756
Let me ask you
something, Walden.
34
00:01:20,758 --> 00:01:22,958
Have you ever
been able to have sex
35
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:25,160
and not fall in love?
36
00:01:25,162 --> 00:01:27,463
Only with myself.
37
00:01:27,465 --> 00:01:30,566
Well, it seems to me
you base your own value
38
00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:33,202
on who's willing
to have sex with you.
39
00:01:33,204 --> 00:01:35,971
How do you feel
after you sleep with someone?
40
00:01:35,973 --> 00:01:38,040
Grateful.
41
00:01:38,042 --> 00:01:39,308
Happy.
42
00:01:39,310 --> 00:01:42,444
Bashful. Dopey.
Basically all the Dwarfs.
43
00:01:42,446 --> 00:01:45,180
Did it ever occur to you
that these women
44
00:01:45,182 --> 00:01:47,282
might also be grateful?
45
00:01:47,284 --> 00:01:48,550
No.
46
00:01:48,552 --> 00:01:49,852
Well, why not? You're a smart,
47
00:01:49,854 --> 00:01:51,954
successful, good-looking guy.
48
00:01:51,956 --> 00:01:54,857
There are plenty of women who
would love to have sex with you.
49
00:01:54,859 --> 00:01:56,959
Are you flirting with me?
50
00:01:56,961 --> 00:01:59,728
Walden, now you're
attempting to forge
51
00:01:59,730 --> 00:02:03,298
an emotional attachment
with your gay therapist.
52
00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:05,467
Is it working?
53
00:02:05,469 --> 00:02:08,037
A little bit.
You're extremely pretty.
54
00:02:09,205 --> 00:02:10,839
But the point is,
55
00:02:10,841 --> 00:02:12,808
you need to break this pattern.
56
00:02:12,810 --> 00:02:14,443
How am I supposed to do that?
57
00:02:14,445 --> 00:02:16,879
I'm gonna
write you a prescription.
58
00:02:16,881 --> 00:02:19,581
You need to learn
to enjoy sexual relations
59
00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:21,817
without concluding
that every woman...
60
00:02:21,819 --> 00:02:23,419
is the one.
61
00:02:25,021 --> 00:02:28,957
"Bang everything that moves."
62
00:02:28,959 --> 00:02:31,794
Twice a day, if possible.
Mixing with alcohol is fine,
63
00:02:31,796 --> 00:02:33,362
just not while driving.
64
00:02:33,364 --> 00:02:34,663
Look,
65
00:02:34,665 --> 00:02:36,832
if you do this, it's very likely
that the next time
66
00:02:36,834 --> 00:02:40,569
you fall in love, the emotions
that you feel will be authentic
67
00:02:40,571 --> 00:02:42,938
and not just
projecting on someone
68
00:02:42,940 --> 00:02:45,307
because you shared
a physical connection.
69
00:02:45,309 --> 00:02:47,876
But what if the first woman
I have casual sex with
70
00:02:47,878 --> 00:02:49,211
turns out to be the one?
71
00:02:49,213 --> 00:02:51,146
Wow.
72
00:02:51,148 --> 00:02:52,548
When I'm done with you,
73
00:02:52,550 --> 00:02:54,917
I'm gonna be able
to buy a yacht.
74
00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:58,353
♪ Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men ♪
75
00:02:58,355 --> 00:02:59,319
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
76
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:03,320
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x20 ♪
Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
Original Air Date o
77
00:03:03,321 --> 00:03:08,321
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
78
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:09,923
♪ Men. ♪
79
00:03:09,932 --> 00:03:12,733
So, Mr. Mardirosian,
if-if you don't mind my asking,
80
00:03:12,735 --> 00:03:15,202
uh, how did you hear about
my chiropractic business,
81
00:03:15,204 --> 00:03:18,372
Adjustments...
(whispers): by the Sea?
82
00:03:18,374 --> 00:03:19,840
You came into the deli.
83
00:03:19,842 --> 00:03:21,542
You asked to pay
for your baba ghanoush
84
00:03:21,544 --> 00:03:23,377
with free back adjustment.
85
00:03:23,379 --> 00:03:25,779
Mm. That doesn't
narrow it down.
86
00:03:25,781 --> 00:03:28,115
I made that offer in a lotta
delis in Little Armenia.
87
00:03:28,117 --> 00:03:29,483
Anyway,
why don't you,
88
00:03:29,485 --> 00:03:31,952
uh, hop up on the table
and I'll try to make your back
89
00:03:31,954 --> 00:03:34,121
as tender as your kebobs.
90
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:39,927
Oh, my.
91
00:03:39,929 --> 00:03:42,730
Guess this explains
the hair in my hummus.
92
00:03:43,565 --> 00:03:45,499
Whoa.
93
00:03:45,501 --> 00:03:47,101
Those are balls.
94
00:03:47,103 --> 00:03:50,137
Uh, Alan, can I talk to you
for a second?
95
00:03:50,139 --> 00:03:52,640
Oh, uh, uh, just,
just make yourself comfortable.
96
00:03:55,076 --> 00:03:56,510
(dreamy music playing)
97
00:03:56,512 --> 00:03:59,013
(soft chimes)
98
00:03:59,015 --> 00:04:01,182
(whispers): By the sea.
99
00:04:06,254 --> 00:04:08,756
What's going on?
Well, I don't know if you've noticed,
100
00:04:08,758 --> 00:04:10,691
but I haven't really been
working very much lately.
101
00:04:10,693 --> 00:04:12,193
You know, now that
you mention it,
102
00:04:12,195 --> 00:04:15,196
I have noticed that you've been
here literally every day
103
00:04:15,198 --> 00:04:16,697
for the past three years.
104
00:04:16,699 --> 00:04:19,500
My point is I-I'm trying to
get my business going again.
105
00:04:19,502 --> 00:04:22,603
Ergo, Adjustments...
(whispers): by the Sea.
106
00:04:22,605 --> 00:04:23,938
That's great.
107
00:04:23,940 --> 00:04:25,639
And I'm really proud of you.
108
00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:29,043
But why's it happening
(whispers): in my living room?
109
00:04:29,045 --> 00:04:31,579
Because you can charge
$50 more an hour if it's
110
00:04:31,581 --> 00:04:32,846
(whispers): by the sea.
111
00:04:32,848 --> 00:04:34,081
And not
112
00:04:34,083 --> 00:04:37,218
(whispers):
above a Quiznos.
113
00:04:37,220 --> 00:04:39,386
Okay, this is my house,
not a place of business.
114
00:04:39,388 --> 00:04:41,355
It's just temporary.
I-I just need to
115
00:04:41,357 --> 00:04:43,224
build up my clientele so
I can rent a new space.
116
00:04:43,226 --> 00:04:45,059
I-I promise, you will
not know I'm here.
117
00:04:45,061 --> 00:04:46,894
I always know you're here.
118
00:04:46,896 --> 00:04:48,996
Oh, you are so sweet.
119
00:04:48,998 --> 00:04:51,098
This is gonna be a good
thing. You'll see.
120
00:04:51,100 --> 00:04:54,401
I'll never see anything
but those balls again.
121
00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:58,072
(sighs)
122
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:04,278
Of all the places
he doesn't have hair.
123
00:05:06,414 --> 00:05:08,148
♪ Men. ♪
124
00:05:09,150 --> 00:05:12,453
Hey, Berta, can I ask you
a personal question?
125
00:05:12,455 --> 00:05:14,388
Twice. Once in college and once
126
00:05:14,390 --> 00:05:16,724
with a waitress
from Howard Johnson's.
127
00:05:16,726 --> 00:05:18,626
Oh. No, uh...
128
00:05:19,794 --> 00:05:21,528
Do you think it's possible
129
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,765
to have sex with someone
without an emotional attachment?
130
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:26,100
Of course.
131
00:05:26,102 --> 00:05:29,236
My rule is, "find 'em,
fornicate and forget 'em."
132
00:05:29,238 --> 00:05:31,138
Mine is "love 'em, lose 'em,
133
00:05:31,140 --> 00:05:33,140
live the rest of your life
with Alan."
134
00:05:33,142 --> 00:05:34,608
(laughs)
135
00:05:34,610 --> 00:05:36,176
I think yours is catchier.
136
00:05:36,178 --> 00:05:38,145
Not as catchy as what I got
from that waitress
137
00:05:38,147 --> 00:05:39,446
from Howard Johnson's.
138
00:05:39,448 --> 00:05:41,749
Thank God for penicillin.
139
00:05:41,751 --> 00:05:43,984
(doorbell rings)
She should be on TV.
140
00:05:49,824 --> 00:05:51,825
Hello.
141
00:05:51,827 --> 00:05:54,161
Is this Adjustments by the Sea?
142
00:05:54,163 --> 00:05:55,763
Oh.
143
00:05:55,765 --> 00:05:57,398
Actually, it's pronounced
"Adjustments...
144
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:00,134
(whispers):
by the Sea."
145
00:06:00,136 --> 00:06:01,835
Oh, okay.
146
00:06:01,837 --> 00:06:05,606
Well I-I have an appointment
with Dr. Harper at 2:00.
147
00:06:05,608 --> 00:06:07,808
Oh. Uh...
148
00:06:07,810 --> 00:06:11,545
Sorry... D-Dr. Harper
isn't here right now.
149
00:06:11,547 --> 00:06:12,746
Um...
150
00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:14,014
You know what,
why don't you come
151
00:06:14,016 --> 00:06:15,316
and have a seat and I'll see
152
00:06:15,318 --> 00:06:16,350
if I can reach him.
153
00:06:16,352 --> 00:06:18,819
Okay. Wow.
154
00:06:18,821 --> 00:06:21,322
Ooh, this is quite a place.
155
00:06:21,324 --> 00:06:23,424
Yes, Dr. Harper has made
156
00:06:23,426 --> 00:06:25,926
a tremendous success
of his life.
157
00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:27,661
He's gone from having nothing
158
00:06:27,663 --> 00:06:29,596
to living in a house
on the beach.
159
00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,632
How does he do it?
160
00:06:31,634 --> 00:06:35,035
(rattling, clanging)
161
00:06:39,341 --> 00:06:40,407
(phone ringing)
162
00:06:40,409 --> 00:06:42,976
Adjustments by the Sea.
Please hold.
163
00:06:42,978 --> 00:06:45,112
Your call is important to us.
164
00:06:45,114 --> 00:06:48,082
Please stay on the...
Alan, it's me.
165
00:06:48,084 --> 00:06:49,750
You didn't have to yell,
you could've just
166
00:06:49,752 --> 00:06:51,652
hit zero at any time.
167
00:06:51,654 --> 00:06:53,654
You have a client here.
Where are you?
168
00:06:53,656 --> 00:06:55,289
I'm stuck in traffic.
There was an accident.
169
00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:57,591
Well, how long till you get here?
I don't know.
170
00:06:57,593 --> 00:07:00,794
How long does it take the Jaws
of Life to pry open a Prius?
171
00:07:00,796 --> 00:07:02,863
Just-just keep her busy.
172
00:07:02,865 --> 00:07:04,998
How? I'm not a chiropractor.
173
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,534
According to the state
licensing board, neither am I.
174
00:07:08,703 --> 00:07:10,637
I'll be there as soon as I can.
(beeps)
175
00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:14,842
Ugh. The one time I actually
want him in my house.
176
00:07:17,879 --> 00:07:20,881
I'm sorry, he's
stuck in traffic.
177
00:07:21,683 --> 00:07:22,883
I'm Walden.
178
00:07:22,885 --> 00:07:25,753
It's nice to meet you.
I'm Tracy.
179
00:07:26,788 --> 00:07:29,623
I have to say, the view here
is very impressive.
180
00:07:29,625 --> 00:07:31,058
Oh, yeah.
181
00:07:31,060 --> 00:07:32,693
The beach is
beautiful, isn't it?
182
00:07:32,695 --> 00:07:34,795
I wasn't
talking about the beach.
183
00:07:35,697 --> 00:07:37,097
You're not?
184
00:07:38,032 --> 00:07:40,234
Oh.
185
00:07:40,236 --> 00:07:42,703
You're talking about...
186
00:07:43,772 --> 00:07:45,706
Thank you. (giggles)
187
00:07:45,708 --> 00:07:46,974
Um... (clears throat)
188
00:07:46,976 --> 00:07:51,712
So, Walden, are-are you
a chiropractor, too?
189
00:07:51,714 --> 00:07:53,380
Oh, no. You do not
want these hands
190
00:07:53,382 --> 00:07:54,748
touching your body.
191
00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:57,751
I don't have the
proper credentials.
192
00:07:57,753 --> 00:08:00,754
I do, however, have
a note from a doctor.
193
00:08:00,756 --> 00:08:02,723
Is that velour?
194
00:08:03,558 --> 00:08:05,759
You are adorable.
195
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:08,796
So, how'd you hurt your back?
196
00:08:08,798 --> 00:08:12,666
You know, it might just
be easier if I showed you.
197
00:08:12,668 --> 00:08:15,536
Easy's... always good.
198
00:08:15,538 --> 00:08:17,304
That's true.
199
00:08:17,306 --> 00:08:21,308
Although some things are better
when they're harder.
200
00:08:21,310 --> 00:08:23,677
Oh, yeah, like working out.
201
00:08:25,413 --> 00:08:28,949
Or what you're
talking about.
202
00:08:31,085 --> 00:08:33,353
I see how you
hurt your back.
203
00:08:34,923 --> 00:08:36,323
I hope I didn't hurt yours.
204
00:08:36,325 --> 00:08:39,293
Sorry for the scratch marks.
Yeah.
205
00:08:39,295 --> 00:08:41,228
Listen, um,
206
00:08:41,230 --> 00:08:43,263
I hope you don't take
this the wrong way...
207
00:08:43,265 --> 00:08:47,334
Oh. I think taking it the wrong
way is what fixed my back.
208
00:08:47,336 --> 00:08:50,170
Actually, that was an accident,
but it worked out for everyone.
209
00:08:50,172 --> 00:08:51,505
Anyway, I...
210
00:08:51,507 --> 00:08:55,175
I recognize that
what we just shared
211
00:08:55,177 --> 00:08:58,645
is something
very intimate,
212
00:08:58,647 --> 00:09:01,482
and it would only be
natural for both of us
213
00:09:01,484 --> 00:09:03,650
to be experiencing feelings
214
00:09:03,652 --> 00:09:05,752
of affection for one another,
215
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,454
and perhaps develop a desire
216
00:09:07,456 --> 00:09:11,592
to share a meal or a drink
217
00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:13,427
or a couple of years together,
218
00:09:13,429 --> 00:09:15,329
but is it
possible that
219
00:09:15,331 --> 00:09:17,498
what might be best
220
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,199
is...
221
00:09:19,201 --> 00:09:21,001
for this to remain a
222
00:09:21,003 --> 00:09:23,237
casual encounter?
223
00:09:23,239 --> 00:09:25,272
Sure.
224
00:09:27,008 --> 00:09:29,309
Really?
Yep.
225
00:09:29,311 --> 00:09:31,044
'Cause i-if you want
to get a cup of coffee...
226
00:09:31,046 --> 00:09:34,047
Oh, I got to go pick up my kids
from soccer. Thanks, Walden.
227
00:09:34,883 --> 00:09:37,451
Aw. What a good mom.
228
00:09:40,054 --> 00:09:42,456
Oh, good, Mrs. Butler,
I am so sorry I'm late.
229
00:09:42,458 --> 00:09:43,924
Oh, don't worry about it.
It's fine.
230
00:09:43,926 --> 00:09:45,325
Uh, no, no, no, it's not. Uh,
231
00:09:45,327 --> 00:09:47,394
we still have a half an hour.
Any kinks you need worked out?
232
00:09:47,396 --> 00:09:50,430
Oh, trust me, the next time
I'm feel kinky, I'll be back.
233
00:09:50,432 --> 00:09:52,232
Here you go.
Oh.
234
00:09:52,234 --> 00:09:53,036
But I-I didn't...
235
00:09:53,061 --> 00:09:54,769
Oh, don't worry about
it. I got to run.
236
00:09:54,770 --> 00:09:56,470
Okay, well, c-come again.
237
00:09:56,472 --> 00:09:58,405
Oh, I will.
238
00:10:01,075 --> 00:10:03,010
Sadly, it's not
the first time a woman
239
00:10:03,012 --> 00:10:04,711
has paid me not to touch her.
240
00:10:08,016 --> 00:10:10,584
♪ Men. ♪
241
00:10:10,586 --> 00:10:11,618
Morning.
242
00:10:11,620 --> 00:10:13,353
I had sex yesterday.
243
00:10:13,355 --> 00:10:16,156
Congratulations.
When's the wedding?
244
00:10:16,158 --> 00:10:18,225
Oh. (mock laughs) No.
245
00:10:18,227 --> 00:10:19,359
This was different.
246
00:10:19,361 --> 00:10:21,728
If the kind of sex I had
was a suit,
247
00:10:21,730 --> 00:10:23,664
it would be made of linen,
because it was
248
00:10:23,666 --> 00:10:25,966
so casual.
249
00:10:27,569 --> 00:10:28,835
You? Really?
250
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,103
(chuckles)
251
00:10:30,105 --> 00:10:31,672
I know. You believe it?
252
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:33,941
We started having sex,
and I caught myself
253
00:10:33,943 --> 00:10:36,143
trying to make love,
and I said, "No,
254
00:10:36,145 --> 00:10:38,145
no, no".
255
00:10:38,147 --> 00:10:40,414
"This is gonna be
meaningless and empty,
256
00:10:40,416 --> 00:10:42,616
"like two wild elk
257
00:10:42,618 --> 00:10:46,820
rutting
on the Siberian tundra."
258
00:10:46,822 --> 00:10:49,756
You know, only male elk rut.
259
00:10:50,858 --> 00:10:54,027
And only lesbians
who didn't have sex last night
260
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:56,530
point out stupid animal facts.
261
00:10:56,532 --> 00:10:59,032
(doorbell rings)
262
00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:01,068
I got it.
263
00:11:02,503 --> 00:11:05,872
Hello?
Hi. Is this Adjustments by the Sea?
264
00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:09,276
Oh, uh, actually, today it's Adjustments
by the Closed Patio Door,
265
00:11:09,278 --> 00:11:12,145
because a, uh, seagull
pooped on my last client.
266
00:11:12,147 --> 00:11:14,314
Uh... I am Dr.
Alan Harper.
267
00:11:14,316 --> 00:11:15,983
Uh, do you have
an appointment?
268
00:11:15,985 --> 00:11:17,651
Uh, I do.
But I was hoping
269
00:11:17,653 --> 00:11:20,454
I could see
your associate, Walden?
270
00:11:20,456 --> 00:11:23,390
Oh, no, there, uh, there
must be some kind of mistake.
271
00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:25,792
Walden doesn't
actually work with me.
272
00:11:25,794 --> 00:11:29,663
According to my friend Tracy,
he worked with her quite well.
273
00:11:29,665 --> 00:11:31,331
Um, Tracy?
274
00:11:31,333 --> 00:11:33,200
She was here yesterday.
275
00:11:34,035 --> 00:11:37,838
For the... internal massage.
276
00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:39,840
Oh! Oh!
277
00:11:41,009 --> 00:11:43,176
Well... well, I don't...
278
00:11:43,178 --> 00:11:45,345
know what went on
between the two of them,
279
00:11:45,347 --> 00:11:47,781
but this is not that
type of business.
280
00:11:47,783 --> 00:11:50,117
Okay, I get it.
281
00:11:50,119 --> 00:11:52,653
Maybe this will help.
Oh, no, I'm not really comfortable,
282
00:11:52,655 --> 00:11:55,522
uh, letting you stand out in the cold.
Please come in.
283
00:11:55,524 --> 00:11:57,891
Um...
284
00:11:57,893 --> 00:11:59,259
Thank you.
285
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:01,428
Now, um, if I want
anything special,
286
00:12:01,430 --> 00:12:03,764
should I negotiate
with Walden directly?
287
00:12:03,766 --> 00:12:05,499
Oh. No.
288
00:12:05,501 --> 00:12:06,900
No.
289
00:12:06,902 --> 00:12:08,168
No, no, no, no.
290
00:12:08,170 --> 00:12:11,405
Uh, uh, uh, Walden...
291
00:12:11,407 --> 00:12:12,773
Walden...
292
00:12:12,775 --> 00:12:14,374
considers himself
an artist.
293
00:12:14,376 --> 00:12:16,443
And as far as
he's concerned,
294
00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:17,844
you're just two strangers
295
00:12:17,846 --> 00:12:20,113
meeting in a chiropractic
waiting room.
296
00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:23,083
Uh, any mention of money
would just upset him.
297
00:12:23,085 --> 00:12:25,085
I understand.
298
00:12:25,087 --> 00:12:27,888
Yeah. Oh, and, uh, here's a diagram
of the human body.
299
00:12:27,890 --> 00:12:29,856
If you'd like, you
can mark the areas
300
00:12:29,858 --> 00:12:33,126
that you'd like him to
give special attention to.
301
00:12:34,362 --> 00:12:35,662
Oh. Oh, my.
302
00:12:35,664 --> 00:12:38,398
Uh, "X" marks
the G-spot.
303
00:12:40,902 --> 00:12:43,837
Oh, oh, good, Walden,
uh, you're here.
304
00:12:43,839 --> 00:12:46,239
Um, uh, I need your help.
305
00:12:46,241 --> 00:12:49,576
Um, could you keep my client
company until I get back?
306
00:12:49,578 --> 00:12:50,777
Alan,
307
00:12:50,779 --> 00:12:53,447
I'm not here to babysit
your clients.
308
00:12:53,449 --> 00:12:54,448
I can do it.
309
00:12:54,450 --> 00:12:56,249
No. Uh...
310
00:12:57,118 --> 00:12:58,318
No. No.
311
00:12:58,320 --> 00:12:59,619
This is a man's job.
312
00:12:59,621 --> 00:13:00,954
I-I'll be right back.
313
00:13:04,192 --> 00:13:06,126
Hi. I'm sorry.
314
00:13:06,128 --> 00:13:09,329
Uh, Dr. Harper had to
take care of something
315
00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:10,363
really quick.
316
00:13:10,365 --> 00:13:12,566
Is there anything
I can offer you?
317
00:13:12,568 --> 00:13:14,501
Well, that depends.
318
00:13:14,503 --> 00:13:17,504
Can I offer you anything...
319
00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:19,806
stranger?
320
00:13:25,446 --> 00:13:27,714
Well, I do see a...
321
00:13:27,716 --> 00:13:29,783
couple things I like.
322
00:13:30,585 --> 00:13:33,019
So do I.
(chuckles)
323
00:13:34,155 --> 00:13:37,023
You've got a lovely place here.
324
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:41,194
I can't wait to see
every inch of it. (laughs)
325
00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:44,097
That might take a while.
326
00:13:44,099 --> 00:13:45,632
Why?
327
00:13:45,634 --> 00:13:48,468
Is it big?
328
00:13:48,470 --> 00:13:52,105
I've been told
that it's quite big.
329
00:13:52,107 --> 00:13:54,341
(Walden chuckles)
330
00:13:54,343 --> 00:13:57,077
Wait, wait, we're not really
talking about the house, are we?
331
00:13:57,079 --> 00:13:58,879
No, no, we're not.
Oh. (laughs)
332
00:13:58,881 --> 00:14:00,280
Yay!
333
00:14:01,516 --> 00:14:03,049
It's big.
334
00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:08,522
Would you like a tour?
335
00:14:08,524 --> 00:14:12,159
I think that is
an excellent idea!
336
00:14:12,161 --> 00:14:13,760
(Walden mumbles)
337
00:14:13,762 --> 00:14:15,128
(laughs)
Oh, um,
338
00:14:15,130 --> 00:14:17,497
by the way, my name's...
Up, bup, bup, bup, bup.
339
00:14:17,499 --> 00:14:19,299
No names.
340
00:14:19,301 --> 00:14:22,002
Today we are just two
341
00:14:22,004 --> 00:14:24,204
wild elk... (exhales)
342
00:14:24,206 --> 00:14:27,240
on the frozen tundra.
343
00:14:28,810 --> 00:14:31,945
Ooh, elk.
I can do that.
344
00:14:31,947 --> 00:14:35,482
(high-pitched):
Eee-ohh!
345
00:14:40,154 --> 00:14:41,888
I don't know what's weirder,
346
00:14:41,890 --> 00:14:44,991
that noise or the fact
that it turned me on. (laughs)
347
00:14:45,726 --> 00:14:47,794
♪ Men. ♪
348
00:14:54,419 --> 00:14:57,188
♪ Men. ♪
349
00:14:57,190 --> 00:14:58,789
Hey, sorry about that.
350
00:14:58,791 --> 00:15:00,258
Where's my client?
351
00:15:00,260 --> 00:15:01,659
(exhales)
352
00:15:01,661 --> 00:15:03,961
How do I say this, exactly?
353
00:15:04,630 --> 00:15:06,430
I had sex with your client.
354
00:15:06,432 --> 00:15:08,766
What?!
355
00:15:08,768 --> 00:15:12,436
I know. And it's
not the first one.
356
00:15:12,438 --> 00:15:15,540
My therapist prescribed
that I have meaningless sex
357
00:15:15,542 --> 00:15:18,476
to take care
of my codependency issues.
358
00:15:18,478 --> 00:15:20,077
Oh, my God!
359
00:15:20,079 --> 00:15:21,512
I know. I'm sorry.
360
00:15:21,514 --> 00:15:23,648
Well, look, look,
obviously, you know,
361
00:15:23,650 --> 00:15:26,651
I can't... condone
this kind of behavior.
362
00:15:26,653 --> 00:15:29,420
But, you know, if you...
if you think it's...
363
00:15:29,422 --> 00:15:31,789
helping you, I mean, that's
really the important thing.
364
00:15:31,791 --> 00:15:33,391
It is helping.
I feel so free.
365
00:15:33,393 --> 00:15:35,459
Do you know what
it's like to have sex
366
00:15:35,461 --> 00:15:37,762
with a woman who never
wants to see you again?
367
00:15:37,764 --> 00:15:39,897
Yes.
368
00:15:39,899 --> 00:15:41,699
Yes, I do.
369
00:15:41,701 --> 00:15:43,000
I appreciate you understanding,
370
00:15:43,002 --> 00:15:45,937
but I'm sure that this has taken
a toll on your business.
371
00:15:45,939 --> 00:15:47,004
I... Here.
372
00:15:47,006 --> 00:15:48,973
Here's... $200.
373
00:15:48,975 --> 00:15:50,261
Oh, oh, no, you don't
have to do that, Walden.
374
00:15:50,262 --> 00:15:50,917
No, no. Take it.
375
00:15:50,942 --> 00:15:52,878
No, I'm not taking
your money, Walden.
376
00:15:52,879 --> 00:15:55,079
I insist.
No, no, no.
377
00:15:55,081 --> 00:15:56,948
(chuckles)
Okay, fine.
378
00:15:59,184 --> 00:16:01,152
Thank you.
379
00:16:01,154 --> 00:16:04,021
♪ You know, it's hard
out here for a pimp ♪
380
00:16:04,023 --> 00:16:06,991
♪ When he trying to get
this money for the rent ♪
381
00:16:06,993 --> 00:16:10,294
♪ For the Cadillacs
and gas money spent ♪
382
00:16:10,296 --> 00:16:13,331
♪ 'Cause a whole lot
of ... jumping ship ♪
383
00:16:13,333 --> 00:16:15,933
♪ You know, it's hard
out here for a pimp ♪
384
00:16:15,935 --> 00:16:19,236
♪ When he trying to get
this money for the rent ♪
385
00:16:19,238 --> 00:16:21,939
♪ For the Cadillacs
and gas money spent ♪
386
00:16:21,941 --> 00:16:24,742
♪ 'Cause a whole lot
of ... jumping ship ♪
387
00:16:24,744 --> 00:16:28,245
♪ In my eyes, I done seen some
crazy thangs in the street... ♪
388
00:16:28,247 --> 00:16:30,314
♪
389
00:16:31,650 --> 00:16:32,783
Hey.
390
00:16:33,585 --> 00:16:35,987
Think I have
another one for you.
391
00:16:37,756 --> 00:16:40,891
I don't know, I think I'm over
the whole one-night stand thing.
392
00:16:40,893 --> 00:16:42,393
Come on.
393
00:16:42,395 --> 00:16:44,195
You said you wanted
394
00:16:44,197 --> 00:16:46,697
to get into the casual sex game.
395
00:16:46,699 --> 00:16:48,799
I got you into the game.
396
00:16:48,801 --> 00:16:52,136
Now you're telling me
you're tired?
397
00:16:52,138 --> 00:16:54,405
The game doesn't work like that.
398
00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:58,342
Even if I wanted to,
I'm not sure that I could.
399
00:16:58,344 --> 00:17:03,114
My penis looks like one of those
dried-out 7-Eleven hot dogs.
400
00:17:03,116 --> 00:17:06,584
Look, I'm not gonna
twist your arm or...
401
00:17:06,586 --> 00:17:09,120
break a finger or anything.
402
00:17:09,122 --> 00:17:12,223
Bottom line, I just want you
to be happy, baby.
403
00:17:13,058 --> 00:17:15,326
Okay, what-what is
the matter with you?
404
00:17:15,328 --> 00:17:18,195
Why are you massaging me
and calling me "baby"
405
00:17:18,197 --> 00:17:20,431
and dressed like a gay cheetah?
406
00:17:21,266 --> 00:17:23,668
Don't hate the cheetah.
407
00:17:23,670 --> 00:17:25,870
Hate the game.
408
00:17:26,705 --> 00:17:29,106
Okay, you know what?
409
00:17:29,108 --> 00:17:30,875
I'm gonna go talk
to this woman.
410
00:17:30,877 --> 00:17:33,678
Mostly 'cause I don't want
to talk to you anymore.
411
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:35,546
Attaboy.
Oh, oh, hang on a second.
412
00:17:35,548 --> 00:17:37,048
Um...
413
00:17:37,050 --> 00:17:39,016
okay, uh...
414
00:17:40,752 --> 00:17:43,454
Okay. Now go have fun.
415
00:17:47,626 --> 00:17:49,994
♪ Men. ♪
416
00:17:49,996 --> 00:17:53,230
Oh... my... God.
417
00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:56,133
That was fantastic.
418
00:17:56,135 --> 00:17:59,837
Your partner was right--
you're the best.
419
00:17:59,839 --> 00:18:01,972
(chuckles): Partner?
What are you talking about?
420
00:18:01,974 --> 00:18:03,908
The weird little guy downstairs.
421
00:18:03,910 --> 00:18:05,443
(chuckling):
Oh, that...
422
00:18:05,445 --> 00:18:07,111
He's not my partner.
423
00:18:07,113 --> 00:18:08,546
Oh. Gotcha.
424
00:18:08,548 --> 00:18:11,649
Anyway, uh, don't
share this with your...
425
00:18:11,651 --> 00:18:13,250
"not partner."
426
00:18:13,252 --> 00:18:15,052
Wink, wink.
427
00:18:15,054 --> 00:18:16,387
What's this?
428
00:18:16,389 --> 00:18:18,389
Oh, just a little tip.
429
00:18:18,391 --> 00:18:20,891
For the big one you gave me.
430
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:24,128
Y-You don't have
to give me a tip.
431
00:18:24,130 --> 00:18:26,864
Yeah, right. Like I didn't have
to pay the guy downstairs
432
00:18:26,866 --> 00:18:28,766
for the "Walden Package."
433
00:18:31,103 --> 00:18:33,137
You... you paid him?
434
00:18:33,139 --> 00:18:35,106
It was worth every penny.
435
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,441
Alan!
436
00:18:40,045 --> 00:18:43,114
Oh, by the way,
I think you might be the one.
437
00:18:45,617 --> 00:18:47,084
WALDEN (calls):
Alan!
438
00:18:47,853 --> 00:18:49,453
I'm your whore?
439
00:18:49,455 --> 00:18:50,921
Your whore?!
440
00:18:50,923 --> 00:18:52,490
Oh. What? No!
441
00:18:52,492 --> 00:18:54,759
I mean, "whore"
is such an ugly word
442
00:18:54,761 --> 00:18:56,527
for such a pretty man.
443
00:18:56,529 --> 00:18:57,862
How could you!
444
00:18:57,864 --> 00:19:00,931
You knew I was using
desperate, horny housewives
445
00:19:00,933 --> 00:19:03,334
for meaningless sex
to improve myself,
446
00:19:03,336 --> 00:19:06,303
and you had to go and turn it
into something ugly!
447
00:19:06,305 --> 00:19:08,572
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It just
sort of happened by accident.
448
00:19:08,574 --> 00:19:11,075
It was a one-time thing, and
then you turned into the goose
449
00:19:11,077 --> 00:19:13,110
that laid the golden eggs,
and then into the goose
450
00:19:13,112 --> 00:19:15,246
that laid whatever the hell
I told it to.
451
00:19:15,248 --> 00:19:18,115
This is a new low,
even for you.
452
00:19:18,117 --> 00:19:21,986
Oh, big words coming from
someone having sex for money.
453
00:19:22,854 --> 00:19:24,188
Alan...
454
00:19:25,023 --> 00:19:26,190
Yeah?
455
00:19:26,192 --> 00:19:27,825
Run.
456
00:19:32,864 --> 00:19:34,265
(thud, grunt)
457
00:19:34,267 --> 00:19:37,034
ALAN:
Ow! My pimp hand!
458
00:19:37,036 --> 00:19:39,103
♪ Men. ♪
459
00:19:45,289 --> 00:19:47,623
♪ Men. ♪
(doorbell rings)
460
00:19:49,493 --> 00:19:50,726
Hello?
461
00:19:50,728 --> 00:19:53,930
Hi. Is this
Adjustments by the Sea?
462
00:19:53,932 --> 00:19:57,066
Yeah. But, uh,
actually, we're closed.
463
00:19:57,068 --> 00:19:58,901
Oh, that's such a shame.
464
00:19:58,903 --> 00:20:00,837
'Cause I was really hoping
465
00:20:00,839 --> 00:20:03,306
to see Walden.
466
00:20:03,308 --> 00:20:05,808
Oh, I'm Walden.
Please come in.
467
00:20:07,778 --> 00:20:08,911
Hey...
468
00:20:08,913 --> 00:20:11,280
um, just to be clear,
469
00:20:11,282 --> 00:20:14,483
the way this works
is that I pay you money
470
00:20:14,485 --> 00:20:17,320
and in return
you have sex with me?
471
00:20:17,322 --> 00:20:18,287
Yes.
472
00:20:18,289 --> 00:20:19,822
(whispers):
By the sea!
473
00:20:19,824 --> 00:20:23,426
All righty, then,
I have heard all I need to hear.
474
00:20:23,428 --> 00:20:26,462
(laughs):
Okay. Are you... ready to start?
475
00:20:26,464 --> 00:20:28,531
Oh, yes.
But first,
476
00:20:28,533 --> 00:20:31,267
you have the right
to remain silent.
477
00:20:31,269 --> 00:20:35,371
And you have the right to make
as much noise as you want.
478
00:20:35,373 --> 00:20:39,075
Anything you say can and will
be held against you.
479
00:20:39,077 --> 00:20:41,010
I'd like to hold those
against me.
480
00:20:41,012 --> 00:20:42,078
Oh.
481
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,647
(laughing):
Oh, kinky. Okay.
482
00:20:44,649 --> 00:20:46,315
You're being arrested.
483
00:20:46,317 --> 00:20:50,052
Yes, I am-- by your
captivating gaze.
484
00:20:50,054 --> 00:20:51,520
Oh, wait, I'm-I'm
really being arrested?
485
00:20:51,522 --> 00:20:53,456
Yeah.
Oh, oh, God, no, no,
486
00:20:53,458 --> 00:20:54,624
we-we can work this out.
487
00:20:54,626 --> 00:20:56,025
I-I have money.
488
00:20:56,027 --> 00:20:57,660
Walden, Walden, help me.
489
00:20:57,662 --> 00:20:59,362
Walden!
Okay, wait,
490
00:20:59,364 --> 00:21:01,998
j-just to be clear,
we're not having sex, right?
491
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:06,502
When are you gonna tell him
that was my acting coach?
492
00:21:07,371 --> 00:21:10,773
Probably after
the cavity search.
493
00:21:11,875 --> 00:21:13,309
By the sea!
494
00:21:13,311 --> 00:21:18,311
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man