1
00:00:02,227 --> 00:00:03,861
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:05,363 --> 00:00:07,097
Are you eating
cookie dough?
3
00:00:07,099 --> 00:00:08,999
Yup. It's my favorite recipe.
4
00:00:09,001 --> 00:00:11,435
All you need
is cookie dough and weed.
5
00:00:11,437 --> 00:00:14,238
So the only thing
you have to bake is yourself.
6
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:15,739
It's very efficient.
7
00:00:15,741 --> 00:00:19,009
It causes the munchies
and then immediately cures them.
8
00:00:19,011 --> 00:00:20,878
(computer chimes)
Hey.
9
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:22,646
What do you know?
They found my car.
10
00:00:22,648 --> 00:00:24,114
You lost your car?
11
00:00:24,116 --> 00:00:26,183
What the hell's your
cookie dough laced with?
12
00:00:26,185 --> 00:00:28,018
No, I found this company
13
00:00:28,020 --> 00:00:31,021
and they help you
locate old vehicles.
14
00:00:31,023 --> 00:00:33,557
It's called
Dude, Where's My Car?
15
00:00:33,559 --> 00:00:35,426
So what's so great
about this thing?
16
00:00:35,428 --> 00:00:38,362
I don't know. It's my first car.
I got a lot of firsts in it.
17
00:00:38,364 --> 00:00:40,030
First time I learned to drive.
18
00:00:40,032 --> 00:00:42,666
First time I had sex.
19
00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:44,635
First time I had a condom break.
20
00:00:44,637 --> 00:00:46,904
First time I prayed.
21
00:00:46,906 --> 00:00:48,605
So you gonna buy this car?
22
00:00:48,607 --> 00:00:52,309
No. Some guy named
Dirk in Denver has it.
23
00:00:52,311 --> 00:00:53,510
So why go through all the effort
24
00:00:53,512 --> 00:00:55,279
of tracking it down
if you don't want it?
25
00:00:55,281 --> 00:00:56,680
Nostalgia?
26
00:00:56,682 --> 00:00:58,515
It's kind of like...
27
00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:00,217
looking up
your first girlfriend,
28
00:01:00,219 --> 00:01:02,052
or your high school
math teacher.
29
00:01:02,054 --> 00:01:05,289
For me,
those were one and the same.
30
00:01:05,291 --> 00:01:08,025
She still writes me
from prison.
31
00:01:09,060 --> 00:01:11,762
I think my math teacher
had a crush on my me, too.
32
00:01:11,764 --> 00:01:14,431
I mean, why else would he ask me
to take a shower
33
00:01:14,433 --> 00:01:16,166
after math team practice?
34
00:01:17,001 --> 00:01:18,936
Oh, oh, good, everybody's here.
35
00:01:18,938 --> 00:01:22,473
Uh, I would now like
to introduce my girlfriend,
36
00:01:22,475 --> 00:01:24,575
the very fetchin'
Gretchen.
37
00:01:24,577 --> 00:01:25,609
Hey, everybody.
38
00:01:25,611 --> 00:01:26,977
Hi, I'm Walden. It's nice
39
00:01:26,979 --> 00:01:28,378
to finally meet you.
Yeah.
40
00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:30,180
Alan, uh, told me that you work
41
00:01:30,182 --> 00:01:32,149
in an animal shelter
taking in strays.
42
00:01:32,817 --> 00:01:34,651
So we have
a lot in common.
43
00:01:34,653 --> 00:01:36,453
Yeah.
44
00:01:36,455 --> 00:01:37,988
Uh, this is my-my niece Jenny.
45
00:01:37,990 --> 00:01:38,989
Hi.
Hi.
46
00:01:38,991 --> 00:01:40,090
And we met.
47
00:01:40,092 --> 00:01:41,492
I'm Barry, Walden's
youthful ward.
48
00:01:41,494 --> 00:01:43,126
It's really nice
to meet all of you.
49
00:01:43,128 --> 00:01:44,361
God, this place
is amazing.
50
00:01:44,363 --> 00:01:46,029
How do you afford
the rent, Alan?
51
00:01:46,031 --> 00:01:48,298
(laughs)
52
00:01:49,167 --> 00:01:50,300
What's so funny?
53
00:01:50,302 --> 00:01:52,669
Well, I-I don't pay rent,
per se.
54
00:01:52,671 --> 00:01:54,071
Or per month.
55
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,573
Or per year.
56
00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,742
Really? No rent?
57
00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:00,043
How long has that
been going on?
58
00:02:00,045 --> 00:02:02,179
Three years with Walden,
eight years with my dad.
59
00:02:02,181 --> 00:02:05,949
You have been living here
for 11 years for free?
60
00:02:05,951 --> 00:02:06,984
Yeah.
61
00:02:06,986 --> 00:02:08,585
I have never
wanted you more.
62
00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:09,686
(chuckles)
63
00:02:09,688 --> 00:02:11,421
Who's my cheap daddy?
64
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:13,457
Would you like to see
the bedroom I don't pay for?
65
00:02:13,459 --> 00:02:16,360
Would you like to see my boobs
I bought with a Groupon?
66
00:02:18,296 --> 00:02:20,797
Will you let me get
my grope on?
67
00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,902
Nice to meet you, Gretchen.
Make yourself at home.
68
00:02:24,904 --> 00:02:26,770
I've got to stop
saying that.
69
00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:29,139
So, what do you say
we hop on your plane,
70
00:02:29,141 --> 00:02:31,642
head over to Denver
and at least look at this car?
71
00:02:31,644 --> 00:02:33,110
You know you want to.
72
00:02:33,112 --> 00:02:34,945
You guys just want
to go to Colorado
73
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:36,079
'cause pot is legal there.
74
00:02:36,081 --> 00:02:38,615
What?
It's-It's legal?
75
00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:40,450
They legalized marijuana
in Colorado?
76
00:02:40,452 --> 00:02:43,520
You say up
to three ounces?
77
00:02:43,522 --> 00:02:46,423
Look, we're not going to Denver
to look at a car
78
00:02:46,425 --> 00:02:48,025
and bring home
three ounces of pot.
79
00:02:48,027 --> 00:02:49,860
Yeah, but if we go
with you,
80
00:02:49,862 --> 00:02:52,062
we can bring back
nine ounces.
81
00:02:52,064 --> 00:02:53,764
Fire up the jet.
82
00:02:55,166 --> 00:02:57,634
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
83
00:02:57,636 --> 00:02:59,727
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
84
00:02:59,728 --> 00:03:02,728
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x21 ♪
Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
Original Air Date on May 1,
85
00:03:02,729 --> 00:03:07,729
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
86
00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:09,331
♪ Men. ♪
87
00:03:09,333 --> 00:03:14,503
Well, guess who just joined
the Mile High Club.
88
00:03:14,514 --> 00:03:17,282
No, it doesn't count
when you do it alone.
89
00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:20,452
Oh, it counted... twice.
90
00:03:20,454 --> 00:03:21,787
Up top.
91
00:03:21,789 --> 00:03:22,921
No!
92
00:03:22,923 --> 00:03:24,256
Not gonna happen.
93
00:03:25,758 --> 00:03:27,059
This is crazy.
94
00:03:27,061 --> 00:03:29,361
There's no way my old car
is worth the cost
95
00:03:29,363 --> 00:03:32,431
of flying all the way to Denver
and putting in a new bathroom.
96
00:03:34,434 --> 00:03:35,868
We can't turn back now.
97
00:03:35,870 --> 00:03:37,603
I canceled an audition
for this trip.
98
00:03:37,605 --> 00:03:38,937
You're kidding, right?
99
00:03:38,939 --> 00:03:41,874
The part was
Dead Junkie Number Two.
100
00:03:41,876 --> 00:03:46,011
Although, I did buy painkillers
to get into character.
101
00:03:46,013 --> 00:03:48,780
It doesn't matter
what the role is.
102
00:03:48,782 --> 00:03:50,983
This job leads to the next,
103
00:03:50,985 --> 00:03:53,719
and you're playing
Dead Junkie Number One.
104
00:03:53,721 --> 00:03:56,555
And before you know it,
you're playing a live junkie!
105
00:03:56,557 --> 00:03:58,223
And then what?
106
00:03:58,225 --> 00:03:59,558
Win a bunch of Oscars,
107
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,294
get rich, fly around
on a private plane?
108
00:04:02,296 --> 00:04:04,396
Oh, look, I skipped to the end!
109
00:04:04,398 --> 00:04:06,665
So what kind of car
are we going to look at?
110
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:09,001
You can thank me later
for changing the subject.
111
00:04:10,069 --> 00:04:12,104
It's a 1967 Mustang
112
00:04:12,106 --> 00:04:14,873
with a 289 V-8,
a Holley four-barrel carb
113
00:04:14,875 --> 00:04:15,974
and Positraction.
114
00:04:15,976 --> 00:04:17,142
(whistles)
115
00:04:17,144 --> 00:04:18,544
What does that mean?
116
00:04:18,546 --> 00:04:21,914
I have no idea. My dad used
to say it all the time
117
00:04:21,916 --> 00:04:23,649
when we were working on the car.
118
00:04:24,617 --> 00:04:25,784
I like to think that it
119
00:04:25,786 --> 00:04:28,186
was one of his ways
of saying, "I love you."
120
00:04:28,188 --> 00:04:30,155
Another was,
"Why is Daddy's beer empty?"
121
00:04:30,157 --> 00:04:31,356
I totally get it.
122
00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:33,725
My dad's coded "I love you"
was, "Seriously?
123
00:04:33,727 --> 00:04:35,894
You can't catch a football
one damn time?"
124
00:04:35,896 --> 00:04:37,696
(chuckles)
125
00:04:38,965 --> 00:04:41,266
So you worked on this
with your dad.
126
00:04:41,268 --> 00:04:43,702
Apparently, there's an emotional
connection with this car.
127
00:04:43,704 --> 00:04:45,037
It's a mixed emotion.
128
00:04:45,039 --> 00:04:47,906
It took us two years
to restore it.
129
00:04:47,908 --> 00:04:50,576
When it was finished,
it was cherry.
130
00:04:50,578 --> 00:04:53,011
Of course, Cherry was also
the name of the stripper
131
00:04:53,013 --> 00:04:55,814
that he drove off with
when he left me and my mom.
132
00:04:55,816 --> 00:04:57,683
Wait-- so why would you
want to buy something
133
00:04:57,685 --> 00:04:59,051
that caused you
so much pain?
134
00:04:59,053 --> 00:05:01,119
I mean, that'd be like me buying
the senior prom.
135
00:05:02,989 --> 00:05:05,190
It was on my 16th birthday.
136
00:05:05,192 --> 00:05:08,427
I go outside the house...
and there's that car
137
00:05:08,429 --> 00:05:10,062
sitting in the driveway.
138
00:05:10,064 --> 00:05:11,597
No sign of my dad, though.
139
00:05:11,599 --> 00:05:13,098
It was still the best
birthday ever.
140
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:15,634
Well, until my mom took a
baseball bat to the windshield.
141
00:05:15,636 --> 00:05:18,403
You know what my dad got me
for my 16th birthday?
142
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:20,405
A box of condoms and a card
that said,
143
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:22,474
"Don't make the same mistake
I did."
144
00:05:23,743 --> 00:05:25,143
He was a joker.
145
00:05:26,379 --> 00:05:27,980
How about you, Jenny?
146
00:05:29,415 --> 00:05:32,417
Oh, she would've nailed
Dead Junkie Number Two!
147
00:05:33,620 --> 00:05:35,654
♪ Men. ♪
148
00:05:35,656 --> 00:05:37,389
Oh! What a great idea:
149
00:05:37,391 --> 00:05:39,691
having sex in every
room in the house.
150
00:05:39,693 --> 00:05:42,327
Well, to be fair,
the laundry room was more you
151
00:05:42,329 --> 00:05:44,529
sitting on the dryer
while I took a breather.
152
00:05:44,531 --> 00:05:45,664
Yeah. Next time, I think
153
00:05:45,666 --> 00:05:47,733
I'm gonna throw in
a pair of snow boots.
154
00:05:47,735 --> 00:05:50,435
You know, boom-boom-boom-boom-boom!
Yeah.
155
00:05:50,437 --> 00:05:53,705
One of the advantages
of being here alone.
156
00:05:53,707 --> 00:05:56,408
Kind of makes a man want
to buy a place of his own.
157
00:05:56,410 --> 00:05:58,777
(both laugh)
158
00:05:59,612 --> 00:06:01,913
Nah, I'm gonna die here,
I really am.
159
00:06:01,915 --> 00:06:04,383
So, uh, what do you want
to do tonight?
160
00:06:04,385 --> 00:06:06,218
You know,
besides this guy.
161
00:06:06,220 --> 00:06:08,754
I would love to spend
the night doing this guy,
162
00:06:08,756 --> 00:06:10,889
but we promised Lyndsey and Larry
we'd meet 'em.
163
00:06:10,891 --> 00:06:11,923
Remember, karaoke?
164
00:06:11,925 --> 00:06:12,991
Oh, that's right.
165
00:06:12,993 --> 00:06:14,860
Oh, hey, hey,
maybe we can use
166
00:06:14,862 --> 00:06:16,194
my Halloween costumes
from last year.
167
00:06:16,196 --> 00:06:17,829
You know, Donny and Marie?
168
00:06:17,831 --> 00:06:20,766
Although I'm not sure you'd fit
into Walden's Donny outfit.
169
00:06:21,868 --> 00:06:25,671
You know, I was thinking
tonight would be a great time
170
00:06:25,673 --> 00:06:27,706
to tell Larry that you're
not Jeff Strongman,
171
00:06:27,708 --> 00:06:29,141
that you're really
Alan Harper.
172
00:06:29,143 --> 00:06:31,109
Oh, that's funny
because I was thinking
173
00:06:31,111 --> 00:06:34,713
tonight might be a great night
to not ruin four people's lives.
174
00:06:34,715 --> 00:06:35,847
He's my brother, Alan.
175
00:06:35,849 --> 00:06:37,482
I can't just
keep lying to him.
176
00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:39,851
I lied to my brother all
the time. It worked out great.
177
00:06:39,853 --> 00:06:41,420
Your brother's dead.
178
00:06:41,422 --> 00:06:44,222
I didn't say it worked out
great for everybody.
179
00:06:45,091 --> 00:06:46,792
♪ Men. ♪
180
00:06:46,794 --> 00:06:47,926
(plays discordant chord)
181
00:06:47,928 --> 00:06:49,094
Hey!
182
00:06:50,329 --> 00:06:51,496
Are you Dirk?
183
00:06:51,498 --> 00:06:52,731
Are you a cop?
184
00:06:52,733 --> 00:06:54,900
No.
Then I'm Dirk.
185
00:06:54,902 --> 00:06:56,835
I'm Walden Schmidt.
I called about the car.
186
00:06:56,837 --> 00:06:59,071
Actually, on the phone,
you asked if I was a cop.
187
00:06:59,073 --> 00:07:01,540
And then you asked me
if I wanted to buy any weed.
188
00:07:01,542 --> 00:07:04,176
Yeah, that's the right order
to ask those questions.
189
00:07:04,178 --> 00:07:05,944
I learned that the hard way.
190
00:07:07,113 --> 00:07:08,013
These your kids?
191
00:07:08,015 --> 00:07:09,414
(snickers)
192
00:07:09,416 --> 00:07:11,316
No.
193
00:07:11,318 --> 00:07:12,617
Are they mine?
194
00:07:14,187 --> 00:07:15,821
Hey, uh, is this the car?
195
00:07:15,823 --> 00:07:18,557
Yeah, let me take her
top off for you.
196
00:07:18,559 --> 00:07:21,293
You're about to see one hot car.
197
00:07:24,063 --> 00:07:26,164
Where, behind
this piece of crap?
198
00:07:26,166 --> 00:07:28,834
She's not that pretty,
but she gets the job done.
199
00:07:28,836 --> 00:07:30,936
Just like my old lady.
200
00:07:30,938 --> 00:07:32,270
Hey, that's not bad.
201
00:07:32,272 --> 00:07:34,973
♪ She's not that pretty,
but she gets the job done ♪
202
00:07:34,975 --> 00:07:39,010
♪ I'd like to escape,
but I'm too old to run! ♪
203
00:07:39,012 --> 00:07:40,612
Yeah, that's a hit!
204
00:07:41,647 --> 00:07:43,415
So is this your car?
205
00:07:43,417 --> 00:07:44,850
Yeah.
206
00:07:44,852 --> 00:07:47,753
It's still got the Vote For Bush
bumper sticker on it.
207
00:07:47,755 --> 00:07:49,121
You were a Republican?
208
00:07:49,123 --> 00:07:51,590
No, my friends and I
just thought it was funny.
209
00:07:51,592 --> 00:07:53,725
You know, "Bush"?
210
00:07:53,727 --> 00:07:57,429
Tell you what, I love Bush.
211
00:07:57,431 --> 00:07:59,331
You and me both.
212
00:08:00,733 --> 00:08:02,834
She's got a lot
of wear and tear on her.
213
00:08:02,836 --> 00:08:04,603
Not much to look at.
214
00:08:04,605 --> 00:08:06,404
Looks like it was rear-ended.
215
00:08:06,406 --> 00:08:08,340
Just like my old lady.
216
00:08:09,942 --> 00:08:12,511
But she's got new headlights
and a roomy backseat.
217
00:08:12,513 --> 00:08:13,779
Just like your old lady?
218
00:08:13,781 --> 00:08:17,048
Hey! That's the mother
of three of my five kids!
219
00:08:18,451 --> 00:08:21,019
Anyway, this bad boy can still
get up to a buck ten.
220
00:08:21,021 --> 00:08:23,989
Yeah, maybe if the truck
towing it was going 110.
221
00:08:23,991 --> 00:08:26,158
You don't believe me,
I refer you
222
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,828
to World's Wildest
Police Chases, episode 139.
223
00:08:31,063 --> 00:08:32,564
Whoa, what died in here?
224
00:08:32,566 --> 00:08:34,666
My granddad.
225
00:08:34,668 --> 00:08:36,134
The seat belt got jammed,
we had to
226
00:08:36,136 --> 00:08:38,103
leave him in there
for a couple of days.
227
00:08:39,705 --> 00:08:42,641
Okay, well, hey, thank you
for showing us the car.
228
00:08:42,643 --> 00:08:44,075
Whoa, hang on, hang on.
229
00:08:44,911 --> 00:08:46,044
How much do
you want for it?
230
00:08:46,046 --> 00:08:47,879
Uh, uh, uh, what are you doing?
231
00:08:48,981 --> 00:08:50,549
I'll take $1,800 unless you can
232
00:08:50,551 --> 00:08:52,551
come up with some kind
of other arrangement.
233
00:08:52,553 --> 00:08:53,718
Ew!
234
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,387
How about you?
235
00:08:55,389 --> 00:08:58,256
No!
236
00:08:58,258 --> 00:09:00,725
$1,800 it is, then.
237
00:09:00,727 --> 00:09:03,929
I'm not...
I'm not buying this car.
238
00:09:03,931 --> 00:09:06,131
Walden, this car
is a piece of your life.
239
00:09:06,133 --> 00:09:07,666
It doesn't mean anything
to anybody else
240
00:09:07,668 --> 00:09:09,067
in the world except you.
241
00:09:10,937 --> 00:09:13,205
All right, I'll give you $1,800.
242
00:09:13,207 --> 00:09:16,641
Dude, you didn't haggle.
It's no good unless you haggle.
243
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:20,145
Okay, uh, fine. $1,600.
244
00:09:20,147 --> 00:09:21,146
$1,700.
245
00:09:21,148 --> 00:09:23,114
Deal. $1,700.
246
00:09:23,116 --> 00:09:25,083
Yeah!
247
00:09:26,285 --> 00:09:27,953
I was just gonna give you
$1,800.
248
00:09:27,955 --> 00:09:29,788
That's the thing
about haggling, dude.
249
00:09:29,790 --> 00:09:32,591
Sometimes you win,
sometimes you lose.
250
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,994
We definitely have to get
some of this guy's weed.
251
00:09:35,996 --> 00:09:38,129
♪ Men. ♪
252
00:09:39,765 --> 00:09:42,901
♪ Hey, will you love me
forever? ♪
253
00:09:42,903 --> 00:09:45,403
♪ Let me sleep on it
254
00:09:45,405 --> 00:09:46,504
♪ Will you love me forever?
255
00:09:46,506 --> 00:09:48,139
♪ Let me sleep on it
256
00:09:48,141 --> 00:09:49,875
♪ Will you love me forever?
257
00:09:49,877 --> 00:09:51,343
♪ I couldn't take it
any longer ♪
258
00:09:51,345 --> 00:09:52,744
♪ Lord, I was crazed
259
00:09:52,746 --> 00:09:55,247
♪ And then the feeling came
upon me like a tidal wave ♪
260
00:09:55,249 --> 00:09:57,782
♪ I started swearing to my God
on my mother's grave ♪
261
00:09:57,784 --> 00:10:00,518
♪ That I would love you
till the end of time ♪
262
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:03,622
♪ I swore I'd love you
till the end of time! ♪
263
00:10:03,624 --> 00:10:05,257
Yeah!
264
00:10:05,259 --> 00:10:06,858
Gretchen, Jeff!
265
00:10:06,860 --> 00:10:09,628
Follow that, bitches.
266
00:10:09,630 --> 00:10:11,696
Come on, Lyndsey, it's our turn.
267
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:13,565
♪ Who let the dogs out?
268
00:10:13,567 --> 00:10:16,501
Woof, woof. Woof, woof.
269
00:10:16,503 --> 00:10:18,336
Come on. You can do
better than that.
270
00:10:18,338 --> 00:10:20,772
Larry, do I look like I want
to do better than that?
271
00:10:20,774 --> 00:10:22,407
Ooh, last time I saw
that face,
272
00:10:22,409 --> 00:10:24,676
I forgot
to pick up wine.
273
00:10:24,678 --> 00:10:26,311
Boy, was I in
the doghouse
274
00:10:26,313 --> 00:10:27,412
that night. Hey!
275
00:10:27,414 --> 00:10:30,282
♪ Who's in the doghouse?
276
00:10:30,284 --> 00:10:32,284
♪ Who-who-who-who?
277
00:10:32,286 --> 00:10:33,351
That's what
I'm talking about!
278
00:10:33,353 --> 00:10:34,619
Come on. Let's show 'em how
279
00:10:34,621 --> 00:10:36,488
you and your brother
do it doggy style.
280
00:10:39,325 --> 00:10:42,127
He doesn't really
hear himself, does he?
281
00:10:42,129 --> 00:10:44,562
Why are you here?
282
00:10:44,564 --> 00:10:46,431
I've told you a hundred times,
I don't want
283
00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:48,300
to double-date with Gretchen
and Jeff Strongman.
284
00:10:48,302 --> 00:10:50,568
Well, you won't
have to anymore.
285
00:10:50,570 --> 00:10:52,270
Guess who's gonna tell Larry
the truth tonight.
286
00:10:52,272 --> 00:10:54,973
♪ Who-who-who-who?
287
00:10:56,776 --> 00:10:57,876
What do you mean?
288
00:10:57,878 --> 00:11:00,545
I told Gretchen
who I really am.
289
00:11:00,547 --> 00:11:02,781
I was tired of living a lie
290
00:11:02,783 --> 00:11:03,982
and sneaking around,
being dishonest.
291
00:11:03,984 --> 00:11:05,050
I'm better than that.
292
00:11:05,052 --> 00:11:06,251
She caught you.
293
00:11:06,253 --> 00:11:07,585
Yes. Yes, she did.
294
00:11:07,587 --> 00:11:09,921
But it felt good
to get it off my chest.
295
00:11:09,923 --> 00:11:13,158
If you tell Larry
who you really are,
296
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,527
then he's gonna wonder why
I didn't tell him.
297
00:11:15,529 --> 00:11:17,362
And that's not something
I want to deal with
298
00:11:17,364 --> 00:11:19,531
less than two weeks before
we're supposed to get married.
299
00:11:19,533 --> 00:11:20,865
God, is it two weeks?
300
00:11:20,867 --> 00:11:22,567
Boy, I better find
those rings.
301
00:11:22,569 --> 00:11:25,103
Alan, you're not gonna say
a thing about
302
00:11:25,105 --> 00:11:26,371
who you really are.
303
00:11:26,373 --> 00:11:28,073
I'm sorry, but I already
promised Gretchen.
304
00:11:28,075 --> 00:11:29,607
And-and the fact
of the matter is
305
00:11:29,609 --> 00:11:31,309
you and I aren't
in a relationship anymore,
306
00:11:31,311 --> 00:11:34,479
so you no longer have me
by the balls!
307
00:11:41,625 --> 00:11:43,059
♪ Men. ♪
308
00:11:43,061 --> 00:11:46,028
♪ Dial 1-900-mix-a-lot
and kick them nasty thoughts ♪
309
00:11:46,030 --> 00:11:47,730
♪ Baby got back!
310
00:11:48,999 --> 00:11:50,266
(cheering)
311
00:11:52,169 --> 00:11:55,238
Come on, Larry, let's
show 'em how we do it.
312
00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:56,973
There you go!
313
00:11:56,975 --> 00:11:59,242
Menstrual cramps
can't stop my lady!
314
00:11:59,244 --> 00:12:01,377
It's Larry-oke time!
315
00:12:06,049 --> 00:12:08,184
♪ Ow! I feel good
316
00:12:09,786 --> 00:12:11,520
♪ I knew that I would now
317
00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:14,223
So, did you talk
to Larry yet?
318
00:12:14,225 --> 00:12:16,092
Uh, well, you know,
I was, I was running
319
00:12:16,094 --> 00:12:17,593
this whole thing by
Lyndsey, and, um...
320
00:12:17,595 --> 00:12:21,097
Whoa, wait. Why would you
run it by Lyndsey?
321
00:12:21,099 --> 00:12:22,331
You know, she is the
one getting married,
322
00:12:22,333 --> 00:12:23,799
and I didn't want
to spring it on her
323
00:12:23,801 --> 00:12:25,635
because Lyndsey is not the
girl you want to get angry
324
00:12:25,637 --> 00:12:26,969
unless you're about
to have sex with her,
325
00:12:26,971 --> 00:12:28,638
'cause then she
turns into a freak,
326
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:30,239
and I don't know
why I'm saying this.
327
00:12:30,241 --> 00:12:31,307
I know why.
328
00:12:31,309 --> 00:12:33,209
Because you still have
feelings for her.
329
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,810
(scoffs) That's crazy.
I just, I think
330
00:12:34,812 --> 00:12:36,612
it's the right thing to do,
that's all.
331
00:12:36,614 --> 00:12:39,548
Oh, my God.
332
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:41,617
That is why you invented
Jeff Strongman
333
00:12:41,619 --> 00:12:44,620
in the first place,
was to win Lyndsey back.
334
00:12:44,622 --> 00:12:46,889
Feelings like that
don't just disappear.
335
00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:48,591
Sure, they do.
There's a lot of things
336
00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:50,559
I used to love that
I don't love anymore:
337
00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:52,595
uh, roller coasters,
dairy, my mother.
338
00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:54,330
This isn't funny, Alan.
339
00:12:54,332 --> 00:12:55,298
Well, I-I was just saying...
340
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,732
No, listen to me.
341
00:12:56,734 --> 00:13:00,269
Look, if you want to run
everything by your ex-girlfriend
342
00:13:00,271 --> 00:13:02,405
and not tell Larry the truth,
then so be it.
343
00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,247
But I don't want anything
to do with it. Or you.
344
00:13:04,272 --> 00:13:04,908
Wait, Gretchen...
345
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:07,677
Gretchen. Gretchen, wait!
346
00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:09,679
♪ I feel good
347
00:13:11,081 --> 00:13:12,915
♪ I knew that I would now
348
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:15,051
Come on, Jeff,
you know the words.
349
00:13:15,053 --> 00:13:18,187
♪ So good, so good
350
00:13:18,189 --> 00:13:19,555
♪ I'm gonna die alone
351
00:13:19,557 --> 00:13:21,457
♪ Ow!
352
00:13:22,259 --> 00:13:24,160
♪ Men. ♪
353
00:13:24,162 --> 00:13:26,195
Aren't you glad
I made you do this?
354
00:13:26,197 --> 00:13:29,298
Yeah.
Having déjà vu.
355
00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:32,234
My dad used to let me sit
on his lap and steer.
356
00:13:32,236 --> 00:13:33,903
Yeah, my dad
wasn't around much.
357
00:13:33,905 --> 00:13:36,973
I had to teach myself all those
things that dads teach you:
358
00:13:36,975 --> 00:13:39,041
how to ride a bike,
how to shave,
359
00:13:39,043 --> 00:13:41,944
how to change a tire,
how to masturbate.
360
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,679
What?
361
00:13:43,681 --> 00:13:46,315
No, dads don't teach you
how to masturbate.
362
00:13:46,317 --> 00:13:50,152
I'm glad somebody told me
before I had kids.
363
00:13:50,154 --> 00:13:52,121
This thing is actually
really cool.
364
00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:54,156
What made you sell it
in the first place?
365
00:13:54,158 --> 00:13:56,192
I needed the seed money
to start my company,
366
00:13:56,194 --> 00:13:59,495
and it's the only thing
I had that was worth anything.
367
00:13:59,497 --> 00:14:02,131
You know,
when you think about it,
368
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:04,433
this car is really responsible
for everything I have:
369
00:14:04,435 --> 00:14:08,170
the beach house,
my jet and my fortune.
370
00:14:08,172 --> 00:14:09,338
Alan.
371
00:14:09,340 --> 00:14:12,908
Shh, she didn't mean it.
It's not true.
372
00:14:12,910 --> 00:14:16,645
So that means your dad
is kind of responsible
373
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:18,280
for your success, too,
doesn't it?
374
00:14:18,282 --> 00:14:21,283
I never really thought of it
like that.
375
00:14:21,285 --> 00:14:24,620
I guess he is.
376
00:14:24,622 --> 00:14:26,255
Thanks, Dad.
377
00:14:26,257 --> 00:14:28,924
Oh, that gave me the chills.
378
00:14:28,926 --> 00:14:29,925
Oh! No, wait.
379
00:14:29,927 --> 00:14:32,495
There's a hole
in the floorboard.
380
00:14:35,565 --> 00:14:37,833
Anybody else want to
drive for a while?
381
00:14:37,835 --> 00:14:40,169
I don't know how to drive.
382
00:14:40,171 --> 00:14:42,038
What?
383
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,606
I grew up in Manhattan.
384
00:14:43,608 --> 00:14:45,541
I've been in taxis and cop cars.
385
00:14:45,543 --> 00:14:48,878
Ooh, this is my first time
in the front seat!
386
00:14:49,913 --> 00:14:52,882
Well, there's no time
like the present.
387
00:14:52,884 --> 00:14:54,617
(all screaming)
388
00:14:58,588 --> 00:15:00,556
I'm gonna pull
in here.
389
00:15:00,558 --> 00:15:03,459
I'm pretty sure they sell underwear
at Cracker Barrel.
390
00:15:05,162 --> 00:15:08,631
♪ Men. ♪
391
00:15:08,633 --> 00:15:10,132
Berta?
392
00:15:10,134 --> 00:15:12,068
Hey, Zippy.
393
00:15:12,070 --> 00:15:13,436
It's 10:00.
394
00:15:13,438 --> 00:15:14,870
What are you still doing here?
395
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:16,439
It's 11 years later.
396
00:15:16,441 --> 00:15:18,808
What are you
still doing here?
397
00:15:20,277 --> 00:15:21,577
Where's your girlfriend?
398
00:15:21,579 --> 00:15:24,313
Gone. I think I lost her.
399
00:15:24,315 --> 00:15:26,515
You mean "lost"
like you broke up
400
00:15:26,517 --> 00:15:29,985
or "lost" like the time Charlie
took Jake to Disneyland?
401
00:15:29,987 --> 00:15:33,055
Broke up.
Wait-- Charlie lost Jake?
402
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,990
Actually, Jake lost Charlie.
403
00:15:35,892 --> 00:15:37,026
Security found him.
404
00:15:37,028 --> 00:15:39,395
He was doing white snow
with Snow White.
405
00:15:40,797 --> 00:15:41,931
So, um,
406
00:15:41,933 --> 00:15:45,267
what did you do to drive
this girlfriend away?
407
00:15:45,269 --> 00:15:47,136
She thinks I'm still
in love with Lyndsey,
408
00:15:47,138 --> 00:15:49,839
which I'm not,
but she doesn't believe me.
409
00:15:49,841 --> 00:15:51,273
Well, make her believe you.
410
00:15:51,275 --> 00:15:53,476
You can make anybody believe
anything.
411
00:15:53,478 --> 00:15:56,312
You made the IRS believe
you had seven dependents.
412
00:15:56,314 --> 00:15:58,247
That's true.
413
00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:01,484
I went to chiropractic college
on an NAACP scholarship.
414
00:16:03,854 --> 00:16:05,187
Exactly.
415
00:16:05,189 --> 00:16:07,623
And you made those people
at the movie theater
416
00:16:07,625 --> 00:16:09,425
believe that you were under 14.
417
00:16:10,694 --> 00:16:13,062
And over 65.
418
00:16:13,064 --> 00:16:14,463
Once on the same day.
419
00:16:14,465 --> 00:16:15,631
(laughs)
420
00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:18,167
The, uh, the secret is
that both of those groups wear
421
00:16:18,169 --> 00:16:20,936
little baseball caps.
(laughs)
422
00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:23,539
I was saving this
for your funeral,
423
00:16:23,541 --> 00:16:25,741
but, Zippy, you're a charmer.
424
00:16:25,743 --> 00:16:27,409
Thanks, Berta.
425
00:16:27,411 --> 00:16:29,011
No. Thank you.
426
00:16:29,013 --> 00:16:31,847
Now I don't have
to go to your funeral.
427
00:16:32,883 --> 00:16:36,051
♪ Men. ♪
428
00:16:36,053 --> 00:16:37,853
Wow,
429
00:16:37,855 --> 00:16:41,690
this Utah sky is amazing.
430
00:16:41,692 --> 00:16:43,726
We're indoors.
431
00:16:43,728 --> 00:16:48,797
Wow, this Colorado weed
is amazing.
432
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:54,737
Guess who just joined
the 6,106-foot club.
433
00:16:54,739 --> 00:16:58,941
It doesn't count
when you do it alone!
434
00:16:58,943 --> 00:17:00,442
Whatever.
435
00:17:00,444 --> 00:17:01,744
I don't like it here.
436
00:17:01,746 --> 00:17:03,812
There's no Wi-Fi
or cell service.
437
00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:05,881
It's like one of those movies
where you find out
438
00:17:05,883 --> 00:17:07,249
the little town's full
of zombies.
439
00:17:07,251 --> 00:17:09,285
Or werewolves.
440
00:17:09,287 --> 00:17:10,753
Or zombie werewolves.
441
00:17:10,755 --> 00:17:12,221
How would that happen?
442
00:17:12,223 --> 00:17:13,923
Hello. Do the math.
443
00:17:13,925 --> 00:17:15,090
Zombie bites a werewolf,
444
00:17:15,092 --> 00:17:16,959
werewolf dies, comes back
as a werewolf zombie.
445
00:17:16,961 --> 00:17:19,061
That's a badass,
unkillable creature.
446
00:17:19,063 --> 00:17:20,396
He's right. Chain the door.
447
00:17:20,398 --> 00:17:22,765
Wait a second. You think
chaining the door
448
00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:25,167
is gonna stop
a zombie werewolf?
449
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,770
I'll tell you what,
I'm not gonna be the guy
450
00:17:27,772 --> 00:17:29,405
who gets killed by
a zombie werewolf
451
00:17:29,407 --> 00:17:31,740
'cause I didn't chain the door.
452
00:17:33,210 --> 00:17:35,744
(laughs)
Hey...
453
00:17:35,746 --> 00:17:37,279
thanks for coming with me, guys.
454
00:17:37,281 --> 00:17:38,647
And I'm not just saying that
455
00:17:38,649 --> 00:17:40,416
'cause I can use you
as human shields
456
00:17:40,418 --> 00:17:42,384
when the zombie werewolf
breaks in the door.
457
00:17:42,386 --> 00:17:45,054
Yeah, I'm really
glad we came, too.
458
00:17:45,056 --> 00:17:47,089
And about almost
killing you guys
459
00:17:47,091 --> 00:17:50,092
in the car earlier--
that's my bad.
460
00:17:50,094 --> 00:17:51,360
Yeah, well, I am glad
461
00:17:51,362 --> 00:17:53,929
that Cracker Barrel
had underwear.
462
00:17:54,898 --> 00:17:57,833
And these "I Heart Denver"
sweatpants.
463
00:17:58,868 --> 00:18:01,103
You know, this is still better
than that family trip
464
00:18:01,105 --> 00:18:02,638
I took to Utah
as a kid.
465
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,340
My dad was trying
to convince my mom
466
00:18:04,342 --> 00:18:05,941
to add another wife
to the family.
467
00:18:05,943 --> 00:18:07,376
Started the trip
with one wife,
468
00:18:07,378 --> 00:18:09,345
tried to get two,
came home with zero.
469
00:18:10,614 --> 00:18:13,949
Hotel had
a great pool, though.
470
00:18:13,951 --> 00:18:15,985
At least you knew
your dad.
471
00:18:15,987 --> 00:18:17,920
I barely knew Charlie.
472
00:18:17,922 --> 00:18:21,090
I got one letter from him
my entire childhood.
473
00:18:21,092 --> 00:18:24,326
It said, "Are your
friends 18 yet""
474
00:18:24,328 --> 00:18:27,529
Yeah, hearing you guys talk
about your dads,
475
00:18:27,531 --> 00:18:29,098
and thinking about mine,
476
00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:30,833
makes me question even wanting
to have kids.
477
00:18:30,835 --> 00:18:32,835
You already have kids.
478
00:18:32,837 --> 00:18:34,069
(Walden laughs)
479
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,938
Papa.
480
00:18:37,007 --> 00:18:38,374
Come on. I'm not your dad.
481
00:18:38,376 --> 00:18:42,478
You've been a better dad
to me than anybody ever has.
482
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,613
You-you-you took me in,
483
00:18:44,615 --> 00:18:48,284
you inspired me to be
a better person.
484
00:18:48,286 --> 00:18:51,587
You pushed me to be
a dead junkie.
485
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:54,790
I really want that for you, too.
486
00:18:54,792 --> 00:18:56,759
She's right, man.
You're a role model.
487
00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:58,093
I mean, you believe that
488
00:18:58,095 --> 00:18:59,895
I can make something
out of myself
489
00:18:59,897 --> 00:19:01,630
and you stopped me
from going to prison
490
00:19:01,632 --> 00:19:03,399
for teaching my son
how to masturbate.
491
00:19:04,401 --> 00:19:07,336
That's right.
You want to be a hands-on dad,
492
00:19:07,338 --> 00:19:09,638
but not too hands-on.
493
00:19:11,207 --> 00:19:13,809
Hey, bring it in, kiddos.
494
00:19:15,245 --> 00:19:16,478
Oh!
Aw...
495
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,347
(laughs)
496
00:19:18,349 --> 00:19:20,516
Oh, Dad?
Hmm?
497
00:19:20,518 --> 00:19:23,018
Barry's got his hand
on my butt again.
498
00:19:24,054 --> 00:19:25,387
It's not my hand.
Okay.
499
00:19:25,389 --> 00:19:26,789
All right.
500
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:29,358
♪ Men. ♪
501
00:19:29,360 --> 00:19:31,527
(doorbell rings)
502
00:19:33,530 --> 00:19:34,663
Hey, Gretchie.
503
00:19:34,665 --> 00:19:36,699
I don't want to talk
to you right now.
504
00:19:36,701 --> 00:19:38,867
Gretchen's still mad at you,
but I'm on your side, Jeff.
505
00:19:38,869 --> 00:19:41,837
Bros before hoes.
506
00:19:41,839 --> 00:19:44,506
Oh, uh, oh, good, you're,
uh, you're all here.
507
00:19:44,508 --> 00:19:47,343
Because I have something
to say...
508
00:19:47,345 --> 00:19:48,711
to everyone.
509
00:19:48,713 --> 00:19:50,212
Are you sure, Jeff?
510
00:19:50,214 --> 00:19:53,048
Some things
are better left unsaid.
511
00:19:54,651 --> 00:19:56,051
I love you so much,
512
00:19:56,053 --> 00:19:58,420
I-I can't imagine
my life without you.
513
00:19:58,422 --> 00:19:59,688
Just stop.
514
00:19:59,690 --> 00:20:01,657
Maybe this will help.
515
00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:03,158
Okay, I appreciate the gesture,
516
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,161
but looking for change together
isn't gonna work this time.
517
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:10,499
The only change I want is
for us to be husband and wife.
518
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:12,434
ALL:
What?!
519
00:20:12,436 --> 00:20:15,237
Gretchen Martin,
will you do me the honor
520
00:20:15,239 --> 00:20:20,109
of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?
521
00:20:21,644 --> 00:20:24,580
Oh, my God!
My sister and my best...
522
00:20:24,582 --> 00:20:26,882
Wait a minute.
Who the hell is Alan Harper?
523
00:20:26,884 --> 00:20:29,318
Larry, look, boobs!
524
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,487
♪ Men. ♪
525
00:20:37,108 --> 00:20:38,208
♪ Men. ♪
526
00:20:38,210 --> 00:20:39,743
Oh, look at you.
You're doing great.
527
00:20:39,745 --> 00:20:41,244
You haven't hit
a guardrail in miles.
528
00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:43,926
Once you get
the hang of it,
529
00:20:43,927 --> 00:20:45,426
this driving thing
isn't so tough.
530
00:20:45,428 --> 00:20:48,563
How about after I restore it,
I give it to you?
531
00:20:48,565 --> 00:20:50,331
What? You love this car.
532
00:20:50,333 --> 00:20:52,133
I've gotten what
I need out of it,
533
00:20:52,135 --> 00:20:54,368
and I'd rather have it
stay in the family.
534
00:20:54,370 --> 00:20:56,270
Who better to have it
than my my...
535
00:20:56,272 --> 00:20:57,371
sort-of-daughter.
536
00:20:57,373 --> 00:21:00,374
Aw! You're the best
sort-of-dad ever!
537
00:21:00,376 --> 00:21:01,743
Whoa! Hands on the wheel!
538
00:21:01,745 --> 00:21:04,178
Hands on the wheel!
(tires squealing)
539
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:05,880
Whoa!
Why are you yelling at me?
540
00:21:05,882 --> 00:21:07,181
You should be
yelling at them
541
00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,549
for driving on
the wrong side...
542
00:21:08,551 --> 00:21:09,917
(all scream)
543
00:21:09,919 --> 00:21:14,919
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man