1
00:00:02,515 --> 00:00:04,832
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:14,194 --> 00:00:15,727
Really?
3
00:00:15,729 --> 00:00:17,629
Do you have to do this
right now?
4
00:00:17,631 --> 00:00:20,782
Wow, that's the first time
anyone ever complained
5
00:00:20,784 --> 00:00:22,951
about me doing too much
work around here.
6
00:00:24,620 --> 00:00:26,354
Why don't you go do
that on the deck?
7
00:00:26,356 --> 00:00:28,373
Because...
this is my house.
8
00:00:28,375 --> 00:00:29,774
I can work out
wherever I want.
9
00:00:29,776 --> 00:00:31,626
Besides, when I do yoga
on the deck,
10
00:00:31,628 --> 00:00:33,828
the kids on the beach
call me gay.
11
00:00:33,830 --> 00:00:36,831
You sure that's not because you
live with a middle-aged man?
12
00:00:40,302 --> 00:00:41,753
Morning.
13
00:00:41,755 --> 00:00:43,171
Morning.
14
00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:44,305
Ooh, a little yoga?
15
00:00:44,307 --> 00:00:46,207
Yeah, I'm just trying
to clear my head.
16
00:00:49,878 --> 00:00:51,579
Um, speaking of heads,
17
00:00:51,581 --> 00:00:54,182
Buddha's poking his
out of the temple.
18
00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:56,250
You know what? If I lived here
alone, it wouldn't matter.
19
00:00:56,252 --> 00:00:57,302
Right.
20
00:00:57,304 --> 00:00:59,086
Sorry. Namaste.
21
00:01:01,173 --> 00:01:02,891
What does "Namast"
actually mean?
22
00:01:02,893 --> 00:01:03,858
Get out!
23
00:01:03,860 --> 00:01:05,110
Okay.
24
00:01:05,112 --> 00:01:07,762
I'm gonna "nama-not-stay"
right here.
25
00:01:07,764 --> 00:01:10,048
Okay, focus.
26
00:01:10,050 --> 00:01:12,267
I want peace...
27
00:01:12,269 --> 00:01:14,686
I want serenity...
28
00:01:15,739 --> 00:01:17,088
I want a murder weapon.
29
00:01:21,794 --> 00:01:22,794
Dude!
30
00:01:22,796 --> 00:01:24,946
You need to relax.
31
00:01:24,948 --> 00:01:26,297
Do some yoga or something.
32
00:01:26,299 --> 00:01:27,916
What is that?
33
00:01:27,918 --> 00:01:29,617
It's a holistic
hangover cure.
34
00:01:29,619 --> 00:01:32,053
Kale, wheatgrass,
three shots of tequila.
35
00:01:32,055 --> 00:01:33,254
Cheers.
36
00:01:34,924 --> 00:01:36,174
You know what? Screw it.
37
00:01:36,176 --> 00:01:37,592
I'm gonna stay drunk.
38
00:01:42,481 --> 00:01:43,965
Oh, yikes. Think I ate a little
39
00:01:43,967 --> 00:01:45,633
too much ginger last night.
40
00:01:45,635 --> 00:01:46,968
Oh, you had sushi for dinner?
41
00:01:48,821 --> 00:01:51,239
Yeah, let's go with that.
42
00:01:51,241 --> 00:01:52,774
It's crazy, isn't it?
43
00:01:52,776 --> 00:01:53,942
We finally get rid of Jake,
44
00:01:53,944 --> 00:01:55,326
and now we got another
one on our hands.
45
00:01:55,328 --> 00:01:56,361
Yeah, about that...
46
00:01:56,363 --> 00:01:59,013
What is the long-range
plan here?
47
00:01:59,015 --> 00:02:00,498
I don't know.
48
00:02:00,500 --> 00:02:01,666
I always thought we'd spend
49
00:02:01,668 --> 00:02:03,168
our golden years together.
50
00:02:03,170 --> 00:02:05,203
Eventually, maybe sell
the beach house,
51
00:02:05,205 --> 00:02:06,621
move to the desert,
52
00:02:06,623 --> 00:02:08,840
spend our days toiling
in our cactus garden.
53
00:02:10,676 --> 00:02:12,627
Yeah, that sounds
swell, but...
54
00:02:12,629 --> 00:02:13,928
Go out to early
bird dinners
55
00:02:13,930 --> 00:02:15,663
wearing matching jumpsuits...
Okay.
56
00:02:15,665 --> 00:02:17,331
Look, I'm not gonna
wear a jump...
57
00:02:17,333 --> 00:02:18,750
All right.
You know what?
58
00:02:18,752 --> 00:02:20,668
Let's try this
another way.
59
00:02:20,670 --> 00:02:24,072
Uh, in your romantic
fantasy of our future,
60
00:02:24,074 --> 00:02:25,807
where is Jenny?
61
00:02:25,809 --> 00:02:27,442
She'll spend Christmas with us,
62
00:02:27,444 --> 00:02:29,227
but we're gonna
want our alone time.
63
00:02:29,229 --> 00:02:31,646
Okay, let's focus
on that word "alone."
64
00:02:31,648 --> 00:02:32,614
Mm-hmm.
65
00:02:32,616 --> 00:02:34,933
Having house guests
is the best.
66
00:02:34,935 --> 00:02:36,768
You know, you get
excited to see them,
67
00:02:36,770 --> 00:02:38,352
you put out
the fluffy towels,
68
00:02:38,354 --> 00:02:41,239
you hold your farts,
everything's nice...
69
00:02:41,241 --> 00:02:44,492
but, eventually,
you have to fart.
70
00:02:45,461 --> 00:02:46,461
Here's what you do.
71
00:02:46,463 --> 00:02:47,879
Uh, you go out on the deck,
72
00:02:47,881 --> 00:02:49,297
and pretend to look
at the ocean,
73
00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:50,748
wait for a big wave
74
00:02:50,750 --> 00:02:53,301
and when it breaks, so do you.
75
00:02:56,972 --> 00:02:58,506
Alan, I'm putting
in a home gym.
76
00:02:58,508 --> 00:03:00,207
And it's either going
in Jenny's room
77
00:03:00,209 --> 00:03:01,226
or Alan's room.
78
00:03:01,228 --> 00:03:02,210
It's your call.
79
00:03:02,212 --> 00:03:03,361
Bitch be gone.
80
00:03:04,396 --> 00:03:07,115
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
81
00:03:07,117 --> 00:03:07,839
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
82
00:03:07,864 --> 00:03:11,864
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x02 ♪
I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
Original Air Date on October 3, 2013
83
00:03:11,865 --> 00:03:16,665
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
84
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♪ Men. ♪
85
00:03:18,436 --> 00:03:20,352
Here we go.
86
00:03:20,354 --> 00:03:23,105
An appletini a day
keeps the doctor away.
87
00:03:23,923 --> 00:03:24,907
Cute.
88
00:03:24,909 --> 00:03:26,625
And what keeps Alan away?
89
00:03:26,627 --> 00:03:28,260
You.
90
00:03:28,262 --> 00:03:29,778
Touché.
91
00:03:29,780 --> 00:03:30,996
Why am I here?
92
00:03:30,998 --> 00:03:33,165
Oh, I just thought
we could get together.
93
00:03:33,167 --> 00:03:35,384
Maybe find out what's going on
in each other's lives.
94
00:03:35,386 --> 00:03:38,353
There's never anything going on
in your life, Alan.
95
00:03:38,355 --> 00:03:40,122
Okay, you start.
96
00:03:41,991 --> 00:03:42,991
All right, let's see...
97
00:03:42,993 --> 00:03:45,727
Well, my boyfriend
Marty has just moved in.
98
00:03:45,729 --> 00:03:46,678
Moved in?
99
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:47,713
That's a little fast.
100
00:03:47,715 --> 00:03:49,164
He's 91 and a half.
101
00:03:49,166 --> 00:03:51,166
He doesn't do
anything fast.
102
00:03:51,168 --> 00:03:52,684
So you two sleep
in the same room?
103
00:03:52,686 --> 00:03:55,304
If you're trying to find out
if we have sex, yes, we do.
104
00:03:55,306 --> 00:03:57,506
Frequently and nastily.
105
00:03:57,508 --> 00:03:58,440
Good God!
106
00:03:58,442 --> 00:03:59,858
The man is in
a wheelchair.
107
00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:01,777
How do you think
he got there?
108
00:04:02,712 --> 00:04:03,812
No, I was asking
109
00:04:03,814 --> 00:04:05,314
if your guest room
is available.
110
00:04:05,316 --> 00:04:07,583
Darling, I-I would love
111
00:04:07,585 --> 00:04:09,017
for you to come
stay with me,
112
00:04:09,019 --> 00:04:11,353
but with Marty there now,
it's-it's impossible.
113
00:04:11,355 --> 00:04:12,371
Oh, not me. Jenny.
114
00:04:12,373 --> 00:04:14,039
Oh, Jennifer can move in.
115
00:04:14,041 --> 00:04:15,240
Wait.
116
00:04:15,242 --> 00:04:17,192
Why can she move in
and not me?
117
00:04:17,194 --> 00:04:19,878
Darling, if you
were a child,
118
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,346
this would be one
of those situations
119
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,632
where I would give you
five dollars to shut up.
120
00:04:23,634 --> 00:04:25,851
Well, I'm not
a kid anymore, Mom.
121
00:04:25,853 --> 00:04:27,252
How's $20 sound?
122
00:04:27,254 --> 00:04:28,845
No, I want to have
this conversation.
123
00:04:28,870 --> 00:04:29,506
Forty.
124
00:04:29,507 --> 00:04:30,472
We're done.
Well...
125
00:04:30,474 --> 00:04:31,673
Mm-hmm.
126
00:04:32,175 --> 00:04:34,426
♪ Men. ♪
127
00:04:34,428 --> 00:04:37,062
All right,
I'm out of here.
128
00:04:37,064 --> 00:04:39,231
Don't be a stranger, Jenny.
129
00:04:39,233 --> 00:04:41,517
I me, I know
that you are one
130
00:04:41,519 --> 00:04:43,936
but that didn't stop me
131
00:04:43,938 --> 00:04:45,120
from letting you stay here.
132
00:04:45,122 --> 00:04:47,155
And that didn't stop me
133
00:04:47,157 --> 00:04:48,574
from throwing up in your...
134
00:04:48,576 --> 00:04:50,375
Ah, you know,
you'll figure it out.
135
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:52,411
Um, h-have you
got everything?
136
00:04:52,413 --> 00:04:53,862
Yeah, I think so.
137
00:04:53,864 --> 00:04:54,863
Oh, uh...
138
00:04:54,865 --> 00:04:55,948
There's a girl in my room,
139
00:04:55,950 --> 00:04:57,049
uh, Tara,
140
00:04:57,051 --> 00:04:58,483
Tanya...
141
00:04:58,485 --> 00:05:00,369
I don't really know
what the hell her name is.
142
00:05:00,371 --> 00:05:01,703
It's tattooed right
above her ass.
143
00:05:01,705 --> 00:05:03,922
Anyway, when she wakes up,
144
00:05:03,924 --> 00:05:05,374
will you give her
this for cab fare?
145
00:05:05,376 --> 00:05:06,825
And uh, uh...
146
00:05:06,827 --> 00:05:09,545
tell her I, "Mackenzie,"
147
00:05:09,547 --> 00:05:11,413
will call her
148
00:05:11,415 --> 00:05:14,099
if I get back
from the Congo.
149
00:05:15,235 --> 00:05:16,251
See you.
150
00:05:16,253 --> 00:05:17,553
Bye.
Take care.
151
00:05:19,023 --> 00:05:20,222
Can you
believe that?
152
00:05:20,224 --> 00:05:21,256
I know.
153
00:05:21,258 --> 00:05:24,393
A Harper left this house
voluntarily.
154
00:05:25,895 --> 00:05:28,063
And gave me money.
155
00:05:29,365 --> 00:05:31,483
♪ Men. ♪
156
00:05:34,888 --> 00:05:36,221
Hi, Alan.
157
00:05:36,223 --> 00:05:37,289
Lyndsey.
158
00:05:37,291 --> 00:05:38,390
This is a surprise.
159
00:05:38,392 --> 00:05:39,825
I know; I-I'm sorry.
160
00:05:39,827 --> 00:05:41,493
I just need to talk
to you in person.
161
00:05:41,495 --> 00:05:42,744
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Come on in.
162
00:05:42,746 --> 00:05:43,962
Are we alone?
163
00:05:43,964 --> 00:05:46,548
Never!
164
00:05:47,984 --> 00:05:49,918
Hi, Walden.
165
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,203
Can we talk in private?
166
00:05:51,205 --> 00:05:52,571
Oh, sure, let's go in my room.
167
00:05:52,573 --> 00:05:54,406
Oh, uh, hold on a second.
168
00:06:08,688 --> 00:06:10,505
Okay, we're all set.
169
00:06:10,507 --> 00:06:12,708
Aw, dude, come on!
170
00:06:14,644 --> 00:06:16,428
So what's up?
171
00:06:16,430 --> 00:06:18,196
Ow! Nipple!
172
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:21,283
I am so mad at you.
173
00:06:21,285 --> 00:06:22,317
Why?
174
00:06:22,319 --> 00:06:23,619
Because I-I'm with Larry now.
175
00:06:23,621 --> 00:06:25,587
He's smart, handsome,
successful...
176
00:06:25,589 --> 00:06:27,439
God, you have a type.
177
00:06:27,441 --> 00:06:29,007
No.
178
00:06:29,009 --> 00:06:31,129
When I'm with him, I can't stop
fantasizing about you.
179
00:06:33,630 --> 00:06:35,213
Okay, I-I-I'm confused.
180
00:06:35,215 --> 00:06:38,166
I'm getting a chubby,
but I'm confused.
181
00:06:38,168 --> 00:06:39,718
So you want to get
back together?
182
00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,520
Oh, God, no.
183
00:06:41,522 --> 00:06:43,138
I just want
to have sex with you.
184
00:06:43,140 --> 00:06:44,839
Why?
185
00:06:44,841 --> 00:06:46,841
And why am I asking?
186
00:06:46,843 --> 00:06:47,976
I don't know.
187
00:06:47,978 --> 00:06:50,011
I just know that I do.
188
00:06:50,013 --> 00:06:51,063
Of course.
189
00:06:51,065 --> 00:06:53,482
Forbidden fruit
is so much sweeter.
190
00:06:53,484 --> 00:06:57,402
Go on, pluck my
forbidden fruit.
191
00:06:57,404 --> 00:07:00,372
Pop my cherry.
192
00:07:00,374 --> 00:07:02,857
Peel my banana.
193
00:07:02,859 --> 00:07:05,711
Squeeze my
fuzzy peaches.
194
00:07:06,663 --> 00:07:08,914
In my fantasy...
Yeah?
195
00:07:08,916 --> 00:07:10,082
...you don't talk.
196
00:07:10,084 --> 00:07:12,384
♪ Men. ♪
197
00:07:15,221 --> 00:07:16,888
Bye, Walden.
198
00:07:16,890 --> 00:07:18,006
Bye, Lyndsey.
199
00:07:22,346 --> 00:07:25,597
Um, is it hot in here
or did I just have sex?
200
00:07:25,599 --> 00:07:27,833
Did you guys get back together?
201
00:07:27,835 --> 00:07:29,067
Better.
202
00:07:29,069 --> 00:07:30,769
She wants nothing from me
203
00:07:30,771 --> 00:07:32,688
except the old Harper harpoon.
204
00:07:32,690 --> 00:07:35,023
Wha-bam!
205
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,011
Know what I'm sayin'?
206
00:07:39,013 --> 00:07:41,062
How is it possible
207
00:07:41,064 --> 00:07:43,365
that you're having sex
and I'm not?
208
00:07:43,367 --> 00:07:46,451
Well, apparently,
her perfect boyfriend Larry
209
00:07:46,453 --> 00:07:48,003
has an Achilles heel...
210
00:07:48,005 --> 00:07:49,738
and it's on his penis.
211
00:07:49,740 --> 00:07:52,274
Wha-bam!
212
00:07:55,678 --> 00:07:56,628
Um...
213
00:07:56,630 --> 00:07:58,513
have you guys
seen Mackenzie?
214
00:07:58,515 --> 00:08:00,582
She went to Cabo.
Congo.
215
00:08:01,384 --> 00:08:03,435
She's not here.
She's dead.
216
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:05,871
In the Congo.
217
00:08:07,173 --> 00:08:08,857
Sorry, Tanya.
218
00:08:08,859 --> 00:08:09,924
Tara.
219
00:08:11,344 --> 00:08:13,528
Alyssa.
220
00:08:14,614 --> 00:08:15,947
♪ Men. ♪
221
00:08:15,949 --> 00:08:17,065
So...
222
00:08:17,067 --> 00:08:19,334
Evy tells me
you want to be an actress.
223
00:08:19,336 --> 00:08:21,436
I figured with my daddy issues,
224
00:08:21,438 --> 00:08:22,904
it was either that or stripping.
225
00:08:22,906 --> 00:08:25,273
You've certainly got the rack
for either one.
226
00:08:25,275 --> 00:08:26,941
Bless your heart.
227
00:08:26,943 --> 00:08:29,211
My heart is in a landfill.
228
00:08:30,046 --> 00:08:31,463
This baby belonged to
229
00:08:31,465 --> 00:08:34,282
a drunken quarterback
from Alabama.
230
00:08:34,284 --> 00:08:36,034
Roll Tide!
231
00:08:36,036 --> 00:08:38,053
You know, Marty is
a television legend.
232
00:08:38,055 --> 00:08:39,788
He created
Here Comes Pleshkin.
233
00:08:39,790 --> 00:08:42,240
I love that show.
234
00:08:42,242 --> 00:08:43,725
Th-That was
a drinking game
235
00:08:43,727 --> 00:08:44,843
in college.
236
00:08:44,845 --> 00:08:46,595
Every time someone
would yell "Pleshkin!"
237
00:08:46,597 --> 00:08:48,814
I would take a shot.
238
00:08:48,816 --> 00:08:51,983
I had so much drunken sex
because of your show.
239
00:08:51,985 --> 00:08:53,635
It was a piece of crap,
240
00:08:53,637 --> 00:08:56,971
but it paid for my first six...
seven wives.
241
00:08:58,307 --> 00:08:59,407
And Pleshkin?
242
00:08:59,409 --> 00:09:00,826
Hermaphrodite.
243
00:09:00,828 --> 00:09:03,612
Once, he comes in
three hours late.
244
00:09:03,614 --> 00:09:05,864
I tell him
to go screw himself.
245
00:09:05,866 --> 00:09:09,117
He says, "Why do you think
I'm three hours late?"
246
00:09:10,069 --> 00:09:11,870
That's a joke, sweetheart.
247
00:09:11,872 --> 00:09:13,255
Feel free to laugh.
248
00:09:14,257 --> 00:09:15,990
Is this thing on?
249
00:09:15,992 --> 00:09:17,992
Roll Tide!
250
00:09:17,994 --> 00:09:20,011
Pleshkin!
251
00:09:22,765 --> 00:09:24,516
I need another one.
Marty?
252
00:09:24,518 --> 00:09:25,517
Why not?
253
00:09:25,519 --> 00:09:27,168
I got my liver
from a narcoleptic
254
00:09:27,170 --> 00:09:29,004
Vietnamese rickshaw driver.
255
00:09:31,006 --> 00:09:33,341
Evy, that's the best gift
you have ever given me.
256
00:09:33,343 --> 00:09:34,342
What do you mean?
257
00:09:34,344 --> 00:09:35,727
You, me, Jenny,
258
00:09:35,729 --> 00:09:37,896
a handful of little
blue pills...
259
00:09:37,898 --> 00:09:41,383
It's like the Spring Break
of '43 all over again!
260
00:09:41,385 --> 00:09:44,252
Marty, she's my granddaughter.
261
00:09:44,254 --> 00:09:45,353
I know.
262
00:09:45,355 --> 00:09:48,857
I have had some of
the most decadent
263
00:09:48,859 --> 00:09:51,660
sexual encounters imaginable:
264
00:09:51,662 --> 00:09:53,662
mother/daughter, twins,
265
00:09:53,664 --> 00:09:56,164
triplets, Pleshkin.
266
00:09:56,166 --> 00:10:01,703
But never the elusive
grandmother/granddaughter combo.
267
00:10:01,705 --> 00:10:03,488
She's gay.
268
00:10:03,490 --> 00:10:05,040
It just keeps getting better.
269
00:10:05,042 --> 00:10:08,176
Sweetheart, while-while
I normally love
270
00:10:08,178 --> 00:10:09,594
your unique brand of depravity,
271
00:10:09,596 --> 00:10:11,112
this is where
I draw the line.
272
00:10:11,114 --> 00:10:14,115
So when it's me
and the plumber, it's fine.
273
00:10:14,117 --> 00:10:16,151
You wanted that
as much as I did.
274
00:10:16,153 --> 00:10:18,687
I had my eye on his kidney.
275
00:10:18,689 --> 00:10:20,605
♪ Men. ♪
276
00:10:20,607 --> 00:10:22,357
This is so exciting.
277
00:10:22,359 --> 00:10:23,608
Another man's bed,
278
00:10:23,610 --> 00:10:25,059
another man's woman,
279
00:10:25,061 --> 00:10:26,745
another man's...
Home!
280
00:10:26,747 --> 00:10:28,530
I know,
it's so dirty.
281
00:10:28,532 --> 00:10:30,782
No, no, no, the garage
door just opened!
282
00:10:30,784 --> 00:10:31,950
And here comes
the car.
283
00:10:31,952 --> 00:10:33,234
Beep! Beep!
284
00:10:33,236 --> 00:10:35,120
No, Larry's home!
Get out!
285
00:10:35,122 --> 00:10:37,372
What do I do?
What do I do? Uh...
286
00:10:37,374 --> 00:10:38,373
Hide in the closet?
287
00:10:38,375 --> 00:10:39,407
Uh... under the bed?
288
00:10:39,409 --> 00:10:40,792
Ooh, I could put on
a wig and a dress
289
00:10:40,794 --> 00:10:42,194
and pretend I'm one
of your friends.
290
00:10:42,962 --> 00:10:44,579
Out the window!
291
00:10:44,581 --> 00:10:45,597
Right, good call.
292
00:10:45,599 --> 00:10:47,515
Whoa, we are up there.
293
00:10:47,517 --> 00:10:49,134
Oh, beautiful view.
Oh!
294
00:10:49,136 --> 00:10:51,052
Hey, is that
the Hollywood sign...!
295
00:10:52,356 --> 00:10:54,606
♪ Men. ♪
296
00:11:00,750 --> 00:11:03,135
♪ Men. ♪
297
00:11:03,137 --> 00:11:04,870
What happened to you?
298
00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:06,505
Oh, these?
299
00:11:06,507 --> 00:11:09,691
I was with Lyndsey last night,
at her boyfriend's house,
300
00:11:09,693 --> 00:11:11,043
and he came home early,
301
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:13,445
and I had to jump out
the window.
302
00:11:13,447 --> 00:11:15,947
Alan Harper: Love Burglar.
303
00:11:15,949 --> 00:11:20,385
I like it better
than Alan Harper: Roommate.
304
00:11:20,387 --> 00:11:22,971
It's just so much fun to be
thought of as a piece of meat.
305
00:11:22,973 --> 00:11:25,290
She doesn't care about
what I think or what I say.
306
00:11:25,292 --> 00:11:27,075
I know how she feels.
307
00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:28,777
Let me ask you something.
308
00:11:28,779 --> 00:11:31,213
How would you like it
if you were the poor schmuck
309
00:11:31,215 --> 00:11:32,514
being cheated on?
310
00:11:32,516 --> 00:11:34,282
I've always been
the poor schmuck.
311
00:11:34,284 --> 00:11:35,434
And how did it feel?
312
00:11:35,436 --> 00:11:37,035
Horrible.
313
00:11:37,037 --> 00:11:39,638
Ha-ha, suck it, Larry!
314
00:11:41,574 --> 00:11:42,891
I know you're having fun, Alan,
315
00:11:42,893 --> 00:11:45,026
but sooner or later,
somebody's gonna get hurt.
316
00:11:45,028 --> 00:11:47,128
Oh, believe me,
someone got hurt last night.
317
00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:49,397
Boom, boom, boom!
318
00:11:49,399 --> 00:11:51,032
Know what I'm saying?
319
00:11:51,034 --> 00:11:53,652
Okay, from now on,
let's just assume that I know
320
00:11:53,654 --> 00:11:56,271
what you're saying
and I don't like it.
321
00:11:58,191 --> 00:12:00,642
♪ Men. ♪
322
00:12:00,644 --> 00:12:03,395
All right,
you are hair-free.
323
00:12:03,397 --> 00:12:05,947
You missed a spot.
324
00:12:05,949 --> 00:12:08,149
You are a dirty old man.
325
00:12:08,151 --> 00:12:10,285
If I'm such a dirty old man,
326
00:12:10,287 --> 00:12:12,838
maybe it's time
for my sponge bath.
327
00:12:13,941 --> 00:12:15,841
Paging Nurse Evelyn!
328
00:12:15,843 --> 00:12:18,827
Report to Marty's crotch
with a loofah!
329
00:12:21,098 --> 00:12:22,163
You ready to go?
330
00:12:22,165 --> 00:12:23,665
I'll be right with you, dear.
331
00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:25,016
Where are you going?
What about
332
00:12:25,018 --> 00:12:27,702
rubba-dub-dub,
Marty's in the tub?
333
00:12:27,704 --> 00:12:28,670
I'll be right back.
334
00:12:28,672 --> 00:12:30,622
We're just going
to the spa.
335
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:32,808
Yeah, Marty, you'll be happy.
When I she comes back,
336
00:12:32,810 --> 00:12:34,392
she'll have less hair
than your ears.
337
00:12:34,394 --> 00:12:35,610
But this is date night.
338
00:12:35,612 --> 00:12:37,112
I'll be back by 8:00.
339
00:12:37,114 --> 00:12:40,081
That's after Wheel.
I'll be asleep.
340
00:12:40,083 --> 00:12:42,400
I'll make it up
to you in the morning.
341
00:12:44,871 --> 00:12:46,538
I'm 91-and-a-half!
342
00:12:46,540 --> 00:12:49,357
I can't plan that far ahead!
343
00:12:49,359 --> 00:12:50,909
♪ Men. ♪
344
00:12:50,911 --> 00:12:52,294
That was amazing.
345
00:12:52,296 --> 00:12:53,829
It was.
346
00:12:53,831 --> 00:12:55,147
You seen my underwear?
347
00:12:55,149 --> 00:12:56,364
Do you mean...
348
00:12:56,366 --> 00:12:58,550
these?
349
00:13:00,303 --> 00:13:02,370
You know what? Keep 'em.
350
00:13:02,372 --> 00:13:04,472
Ooh, thank you.
351
00:13:04,474 --> 00:13:05,640
Where you going?
352
00:13:05,642 --> 00:13:07,893
What do you mean? Home.
We're done.
353
00:13:07,895 --> 00:13:10,145
So it's just wham, bam,
thank you...
354
00:13:10,147 --> 00:13:12,547
incredibly powerful,
yet sensitive lover man?
355
00:13:12,549 --> 00:13:15,567
Aw, don't get my panties
in a bunch.
356
00:13:15,569 --> 00:13:17,719
I'm serious. We never talk.
357
00:13:17,721 --> 00:13:19,404
Because we're not dating.
358
00:13:19,406 --> 00:13:21,139
I thought you were okay
with this.
359
00:13:21,141 --> 00:13:23,358
I am. That doesn't mean
we can't take an interest
360
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,826
in each others' lives.
361
00:13:24,828 --> 00:13:27,629
For example, did you know
Charlie had a daughter?
362
00:13:27,631 --> 00:13:28,864
Really?
Yeah!
363
00:13:28,866 --> 00:13:30,064
That's great!
364
00:13:30,066 --> 00:13:31,533
You can talk to her.
365
00:13:33,035 --> 00:13:35,570
Fine. Whatever.
366
00:13:35,572 --> 00:13:36,955
Oh, for the love of God!
367
00:13:36,957 --> 00:13:38,306
What do you want from me?
368
00:13:38,308 --> 00:13:40,074
Well, if you must know,
369
00:13:40,076 --> 00:13:41,743
she's coming over for dinner
tomorrow night,
370
00:13:41,745 --> 00:13:44,112
and I just thought that
maybe you'd like to join us.
371
00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:45,780
Dinner? Seriously?
372
00:13:45,782 --> 00:13:47,215
Forget I mentioned it.
373
00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:49,718
Okay, look,
I'll see what I can do.
374
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:50,268
Really?
375
00:13:50,270 --> 00:13:51,436
I'll try.
376
00:13:51,438 --> 00:13:52,804
Oh, thank you.
377
00:13:52,806 --> 00:13:54,773
You've made me so happy.
378
00:13:54,775 --> 00:13:56,391
Great. See ya.
379
00:13:58,896 --> 00:14:01,646
I should've just bought
a damn vibrator.
380
00:14:01,648 --> 00:14:04,449
♪ Men. ♪
381
00:14:04,451 --> 00:14:06,484
Here ya go, Marty.
382
00:14:06,486 --> 00:14:07,869
Just the way
you like it--
383
00:14:07,871 --> 00:14:10,038
scotch and Metamucil.
384
00:14:11,874 --> 00:14:14,042
Why aren't we eating?
385
00:14:14,044 --> 00:14:15,610
It's almost 6:00.
386
00:14:15,612 --> 00:14:17,245
Where are we, France?
387
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:19,664
We're waiting for
Alan's girlfriend.
388
00:14:20,549 --> 00:14:23,218
I thought he was
Alan's girlfriend?
389
00:14:27,807 --> 00:14:29,391
No. I own the house.
390
00:14:29,393 --> 00:14:32,310
It's actually a funny story.
I was on the beach and I went...
391
00:14:32,312 --> 00:14:34,179
Don't care.
392
00:14:35,865 --> 00:14:37,782
Marty, don't be rude.
393
00:14:37,784 --> 00:14:39,935
I'm sorry. Low blood sugar.
394
00:14:39,937 --> 00:14:42,020
Plus, I really don't care.
395
00:14:43,773 --> 00:14:44,889
Unbelievable.
396
00:14:44,891 --> 00:14:47,125
Lyndsey's
not answering any of my calls
397
00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:48,760
and she hasn't returned
any of my texts.
398
00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:50,178
I told you
you were gonna get hurt.
399
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:52,530
I told you you were
gonna get hurt.
400
00:14:52,532 --> 00:14:54,082
You know what?
401
00:14:54,084 --> 00:14:55,517
I'm gonna go get her.
402
00:14:55,519 --> 00:14:57,118
And don't try to stop me.
403
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:58,637
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
404
00:14:58,639 --> 00:15:00,171
No problem.
405
00:15:00,173 --> 00:15:04,509
Now that buzzkill is gone...
406
00:15:04,511 --> 00:15:07,161
anyone want to get high?
407
00:15:07,163 --> 00:15:09,547
Roll joint!
408
00:15:09,549 --> 00:15:11,433
♪ Men. ♪
409
00:15:13,669 --> 00:15:14,953
You think Alan's
gonna mind
410
00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:16,154
that we started
without him?
411
00:15:16,156 --> 00:15:17,138
Who's Alan?
412
00:15:18,141 --> 00:15:20,341
You know...
413
00:15:20,343 --> 00:15:24,312
I think I banged Lucille Ball
in this house.
414
00:15:25,347 --> 00:15:27,816
She was
my second-favorite redhead.
415
00:15:27,818 --> 00:15:30,468
Thank you.
416
00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:32,287
Wait a second.
417
00:15:32,289 --> 00:15:33,705
It's night.
418
00:15:33,707 --> 00:15:36,241
Why am I still here?
419
00:15:36,243 --> 00:15:38,910
I'll see you tomorrow.
420
00:15:38,912 --> 00:15:40,528
Are you okay to drive?
421
00:15:40,530 --> 00:15:41,680
I'm fine.
422
00:15:41,682 --> 00:15:43,548
Well, let me know
when you get home.
423
00:15:44,383 --> 00:15:46,685
I'm home.
424
00:15:48,055 --> 00:15:50,055
Your father would've loved
this night.
425
00:15:50,057 --> 00:15:52,524
We're all drunk, we're all high,
and Alan's not here.
426
00:15:52,526 --> 00:15:54,509
Wait-- who's Alan?
427
00:15:54,511 --> 00:15:56,728
You know what
we should do tomorrow?
428
00:15:56,730 --> 00:15:58,430
Go to the Malibu
Police Station.
429
00:15:58,432 --> 00:16:01,016
They took more pictures
of your dad than I did.
430
00:16:01,934 --> 00:16:03,168
Again?
431
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:06,071
I want to stay home
and play naked Jeopardy.
432
00:16:06,073 --> 00:16:08,273
I want to spend time
with my daughter.
433
00:16:08,275 --> 00:16:09,274
Granddaughter.
434
00:16:09,276 --> 00:16:11,726
Oh, please,
nobody's buying that.
435
00:16:12,862 --> 00:16:16,397
I am going
into the living room, Evelyn.
436
00:16:16,399 --> 00:16:17,999
I suggest you push me there.
437
00:16:18,001 --> 00:16:20,151
We need to talk.
438
00:16:20,153 --> 00:16:21,503
Be back in a minute.
439
00:16:21,505 --> 00:16:22,771
There's a 50-50 chance
440
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,706
he won't remember
what he wants.
441
00:16:24,708 --> 00:16:26,374
If you're gonna talk about me,
442
00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:29,243
you shouldn't shave
my ears first.
443
00:16:31,297 --> 00:16:32,731
He's great.
444
00:16:32,733 --> 00:16:35,850
Wonder what it's like
to be 91.
445
00:16:35,852 --> 00:16:38,837
I imagine that you're wet in the
places you used to be dry
446
00:16:38,839 --> 00:16:41,406
and dry in the places
you used to be wet.
447
00:16:42,691 --> 00:16:44,659
What's wrong?
448
00:16:44,661 --> 00:16:48,029
Your granddaughter is coming
between us...
449
00:16:48,031 --> 00:16:50,331
and not in the good way.
450
00:16:50,333 --> 00:16:53,935
Look, Marty, she just came
into my life.
451
00:16:53,937 --> 00:16:55,436
And believe it or not,
452
00:16:55,438 --> 00:16:59,724
I wasn't always the best mom
to Charlie or-or the other one.
453
00:16:59,726 --> 00:17:01,993
Jennifer is my second chance.
454
00:17:01,995 --> 00:17:03,795
You got to make a choice.
455
00:17:03,797 --> 00:17:06,164
It's me or the kid.
456
00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:09,968
I love you, Marty, but I have
to pick my granddaughter.
457
00:17:09,970 --> 00:17:14,288
You know, I have $400 million.
458
00:17:14,290 --> 00:17:17,358
I'm not saying it isn't close.
459
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,511
It's over.
460
00:17:20,295 --> 00:17:25,150
Okay, I'm bluffing.
461
00:17:25,152 --> 00:17:26,651
I really miss you.
462
00:17:26,653 --> 00:17:30,205
I miss you too, money... honey.
463
00:17:30,207 --> 00:17:33,558
Maybe I can
make it up to you.
464
00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:38,430
If you can make it down to me,
you can make it up to me.
465
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:45,236
Something tells me that
Marty doesn't want me around.
466
00:17:45,238 --> 00:17:48,640
What?! I can't imagine anyone
not wanting you around.
467
00:17:48,642 --> 00:17:50,658
Really? Because
I'm pretty sure
468
00:17:50,660 --> 00:17:52,710
I'm staying at my grandmother's
469
00:17:52,712 --> 00:17:54,479
because you don't want me
around.
470
00:17:54,481 --> 00:17:57,331
No...!
471
00:17:57,333 --> 00:17:58,550
Maybe...
472
00:17:58,552 --> 00:18:00,685
Yes...
473
00:18:02,838 --> 00:18:04,172
I get it.
474
00:18:04,174 --> 00:18:05,824
You already have Alan.
475
00:18:05,826 --> 00:18:07,392
I do.
476
00:18:07,394 --> 00:18:10,411
Hey, do you think I'd look
good in a jumpsuit?
477
00:18:10,413 --> 00:18:12,464
You'd look good in anything.
478
00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:13,681
That's 'cause I'm good-looking.
479
00:18:13,683 --> 00:18:15,183
I pretend like I don't know.
480
00:18:15,185 --> 00:18:16,568
Shh.
481
00:18:16,570 --> 00:18:21,139
Seriously, if you want privacy,
then why do you have a roommate?
482
00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:23,691
Oh, you know, Alan's
way more than a roommate.
483
00:18:23,693 --> 00:18:26,027
He's my best friend.
484
00:18:26,029 --> 00:18:30,748
He was there for me
when I was all alone.
485
00:18:31,617 --> 00:18:33,935
He even took me
into my own house.
486
00:18:33,937 --> 00:18:37,672
You know, him and-and
his stoner son
487
00:18:37,674 --> 00:18:41,643
and his horny mom
and your dead dad.
488
00:18:41,645 --> 00:18:43,661
I mean, they've really
become my family.
489
00:18:43,663 --> 00:18:45,780
Mine, too.
490
00:18:45,782 --> 00:18:50,185
I guess that means you're
becoming part of my family.
491
00:18:50,187 --> 00:18:53,605
Aw...!
492
00:18:53,607 --> 00:18:57,242
I'm the most masculine
person in this house.
493
00:18:59,196 --> 00:19:00,562
I like you, Jenny.
494
00:19:00,564 --> 00:19:02,947
I like you, Walden.
495
00:19:02,949 --> 00:19:06,417
If you were a chick,
I would totally do you.
496
00:19:06,419 --> 00:19:09,537
Aw! You, too!
497
00:19:10,573 --> 00:19:14,125
Hey, you're welcome
to crash here any time
498
00:19:14,127 --> 00:19:17,629
you need a break
from Evelyn and...
499
00:19:17,631 --> 00:19:20,915
91-and-a-half shades of gray.
500
00:19:20,917 --> 00:19:22,400
Seriously?
501
00:19:22,402 --> 00:19:23,685
Yeah.
502
00:19:23,687 --> 00:19:26,387
You know, I was thinking about
putting in a home gym,
503
00:19:26,389 --> 00:19:28,306
but big deal.
504
00:19:28,308 --> 00:19:30,508
I'd rather have
a Jenny than a gym.
505
00:19:30,510 --> 00:19:32,894
You and me both.
506
00:19:34,414 --> 00:19:35,663
I get it.
507
00:19:35,665 --> 00:19:39,150
'Cause Jim and gym
are homonyms
508
00:19:39,152 --> 00:19:41,486
and you're a "hamma-sexual""
509
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,325
It's awfully quiet in there.
Did they leave?
510
00:19:47,327 --> 00:19:50,078
I don't know.
Let me go look.
511
00:19:53,499 --> 00:19:55,667
I shouldn't have looked.
512
00:19:57,136 --> 00:19:59,571
♪ Men. ♪
513
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:03,007
No matter what she says,
do not cry.
514
00:20:03,009 --> 00:20:04,592
You're the prize here.
515
00:20:05,761 --> 00:20:07,929
Alan, what are you doing here?
516
00:20:07,931 --> 00:20:09,097
What are you doing here?
You're supposed
517
00:20:09,099 --> 00:20:10,298
to be at my house
for dinner.
518
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:11,616
I said I would try.
519
00:20:11,618 --> 00:20:13,318
And I said I wouldn't cry.
520
00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:15,903
And I guess
we're both liars now.
521
00:20:15,905 --> 00:20:18,590
Would you keep it down?
Larry's here.
522
00:20:18,592 --> 00:20:21,192
What? You don't want him
to hear your whore?
523
00:20:22,278 --> 00:20:26,647
'Cause that's all I am
to you-- your whore!
524
00:20:26,649 --> 00:20:29,334
We agreed
this was just about sex.
525
00:20:29,336 --> 00:20:30,685
Well, forgive me
for falling in love.
526
00:20:30,687 --> 00:20:33,221
Alan, if you don't leave
right now,
527
00:20:33,223 --> 00:20:35,823
you're never gonna see
this again.
528
00:20:36,825 --> 00:20:38,009
Call at your convenience.
529
00:20:38,011 --> 00:20:40,128
♪ Men. ♪
530
00:20:47,649 --> 00:20:49,083
♪ Men. ♪
531
00:20:50,185 --> 00:20:52,070
I'll get that.
It's probably Lyndsey looking
532
00:20:52,072 --> 00:20:54,322
for a little morning wood
to start her fire.
533
00:20:54,324 --> 00:20:55,723
Know what I'm saying?
534
00:20:55,725 --> 00:20:57,442
I know what you're saying,
535
00:20:57,444 --> 00:21:00,678
I just don't know why
you're saying it.
536
00:21:02,031 --> 00:21:03,364
Uh, hello?
537
00:21:03,366 --> 00:21:04,999
Mackenzie, you lying bitch!
538
00:21:05,001 --> 00:21:06,300
Uh-oh.
Congo, my ass!
539
00:21:06,302 --> 00:21:08,736
Don't run!
You don't want to run!
540
00:21:12,574 --> 00:21:14,525
Yeah, it feels like home again.
541
00:21:14,527 --> 00:21:19,527
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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