1
00:00:05,132 --> 00:00:06,698
You, uh, got a minute, boss?
2
00:00:06,700 --> 00:00:08,099
Actually, I'm kind of busy.
3
00:00:08,101 --> 00:00:11,036
I'm pushing new code on an API
for this e-comm platform.
4
00:00:11,038 --> 00:00:12,587
"I am from the future.
5
00:00:12,589 --> 00:00:14,990
I am a handsome robot."
6
00:00:14,992 --> 00:00:16,625
Look, I-I wouldn't
bother you with this
7
00:00:16,627 --> 00:00:17,859
if I didn't think
it was important.
8
00:00:17,861 --> 00:00:19,311
Okay. Just make it quick.
9
00:00:19,313 --> 00:00:20,445
That's my specialty.
10
00:00:20,447 --> 00:00:21,879
Ask any woman
I've ever been with.
11
00:00:23,925 --> 00:00:25,839
I will call them both.
12
00:00:27,103 --> 00:00:28,086
What do you got?
13
00:00:28,088 --> 00:00:31,123
Behold your new
14
00:00:31,125 --> 00:00:32,441
coffee mug.
15
00:00:34,628 --> 00:00:36,511
What?
16
00:00:36,513 --> 00:00:38,580
Remember? You asked me to look
for new mugs for your office.
17
00:00:38,582 --> 00:00:39,598
What do you think?
18
00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,383
Well, there's a hole on the top
19
00:00:41,385 --> 00:00:42,551
and no hole on the bottom.
20
00:00:42,553 --> 00:00:43,685
Nailed it.
21
00:00:43,687 --> 00:00:44,736
Thanks.
22
00:00:44,738 --> 00:00:45,904
Uh, so, uh, what do you want
written on it?
23
00:00:45,906 --> 00:00:47,489
Written on it?
24
00:00:47,491 --> 00:00:48,507
Uh, your choices are
25
00:00:48,509 --> 00:00:50,175
"Coffee," "Java" or "Joe."
26
00:00:50,177 --> 00:00:52,294
I don't know. Just...
Joe.
27
00:00:52,296 --> 00:00:53,461
Excellent choice.
28
00:00:53,463 --> 00:00:56,014
Although... what if
you hire a guy named Joe?
29
00:00:56,016 --> 00:00:57,816
I-I think the temptation
for these mugs
30
00:00:57,818 --> 00:00:59,851
to walk out the door
is a little too high.
31
00:00:59,853 --> 00:01:01,837
Fine.
Just write "Coffee" on it.
32
00:01:01,839 --> 00:01:03,471
Great!
Uh, coffee in the mug,
33
00:01:03,473 --> 00:01:05,557
and coffee on the mug.
Love it!
34
00:01:05,559 --> 00:01:06,558
Oh, uh...
35
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:07,909
but, uh, let me run
this past you:
36
00:01:07,911 --> 00:01:10,412
"Java the Mug."
37
00:01:11,748 --> 00:01:14,082
You know, because of Star Wars.
38
00:01:14,084 --> 00:01:14,916
Stop!
39
00:01:14,918 --> 00:01:16,251
Right.
Right.
40
00:01:16,253 --> 00:01:17,703
You're busy.
41
00:01:17,705 --> 00:01:19,004
Oh! Uh, one
last thing.
42
00:01:19,006 --> 00:01:20,739
Oh, good God!
Alan,
43
00:01:20,741 --> 00:01:22,090
I hired you as my assistant
44
00:01:22,092 --> 00:01:23,925
so I don't have to think
about things like this.
45
00:01:23,927 --> 00:01:24,876
Oh, yeah, I know,
46
00:01:24,878 --> 00:01:26,278
but I want to do
a good job for you.
47
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:27,763
I mean, you're gonna look
at this every day
48
00:01:27,765 --> 00:01:28,997
and I don't want you
to hate it.
49
00:01:28,999 --> 00:01:30,382
That does happen with things
50
00:01:30,384 --> 00:01:32,000
I look at every day.
51
00:01:32,002 --> 00:01:34,186
Okay, so one
final question:
52
00:01:34,188 --> 00:01:37,105
do you want your mug to be
left-handed or right-handed?
53
00:01:40,443 --> 00:01:41,960
You're kidding, right?
54
00:01:41,962 --> 00:01:43,879
No, some people hold 'em
in their left hand,
55
00:01:43,881 --> 00:01:46,481
some people hold 'em
in their right hand.
56
00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,901
Mm-hmm.
57
00:01:54,290 --> 00:01:55,974
Wow.
58
00:01:55,976 --> 00:01:57,526
Okay. Okay.
59
00:01:57,528 --> 00:01:59,778
Changing your mug
from "World's Greatest Boss"
60
00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:01,680
to "World's Smartest Boss."
Okay.
61
00:02:01,682 --> 00:02:03,115
I'm gonna go pee.
62
00:02:03,117 --> 00:02:04,966
Oh, oh, as long as you're
in the bathroom, uh,
63
00:02:04,968 --> 00:02:07,886
I left three different types of
toilet tissue in there for you.
64
00:02:07,888 --> 00:02:10,305
Uh, let me know
which one is best.
65
00:02:10,307 --> 00:02:14,226
Oh! And the brown one
is not a joke.
66
00:02:14,228 --> 00:02:16,061
"Hire me, Walden.
I can be your assistant."
67
00:02:16,063 --> 00:02:19,398
You know what your mug should
say? "World's Worst Employee."
68
00:02:22,085 --> 00:02:24,917
Oh, World's Second
Worst Employee.
69
00:02:24,918 --> 00:02:28,918
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x03 ♪
This Unblessed Biscuit
Original Air Date on October 10, 2013
70
00:02:28,943 --> 00:02:33,943
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
71
00:02:38,489 --> 00:02:40,707
Hey, nap time's over.
72
00:02:40,709 --> 00:02:41,942
I'm not napping.
73
00:02:41,944 --> 00:02:43,577
I threw my back out.
74
00:02:43,579 --> 00:02:45,345
My God, are you okay?
What happened?
75
00:02:45,347 --> 00:02:49,449
It seized up when I was climbing
into your bed to take a nap.
76
00:02:49,451 --> 00:02:52,119
Okay, uh,
everything's gonna be okay.
77
00:02:52,121 --> 00:02:53,287
Just... relax.
78
00:02:53,289 --> 00:02:54,788
Alan, get up here!
79
00:02:54,790 --> 00:02:56,123
Why are you calling Zippy?
80
00:02:56,125 --> 00:02:57,758
He's a chiropractor--
he can help.
81
00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,059
Oh, stop.
82
00:02:59,061 --> 00:03:01,862
It hurts when I laugh.
Oh.
83
00:03:01,864 --> 00:03:03,797
Has this happened before?
84
00:03:03,799 --> 00:03:06,166
Once. At a bike rally
in Sturgis.
85
00:03:06,168 --> 00:03:09,136
Me and a couple of Hells Angels
decided to drop acid
86
00:03:09,138 --> 00:03:10,871
and get naked.
87
00:03:11,339 --> 00:03:13,540
Alan!
88
00:03:13,542 --> 00:03:14,841
What's going on?
89
00:03:14,843 --> 00:03:16,209
Is something wrong?
90
00:03:16,211 --> 00:03:17,511
Berta threw her back out.
91
00:03:17,513 --> 00:03:19,279
Oh, no. What should we do?
92
00:03:19,281 --> 00:03:20,847
Well, I called
a chiropractor.
93
00:03:20,849 --> 00:03:22,416
Great.
94
00:03:23,618 --> 00:03:25,319
Oh, me! Oh...
95
00:03:25,321 --> 00:03:26,453
Duh.
96
00:03:26,455 --> 00:03:28,188
Well, uh, let's see
what we got here.
97
00:03:28,190 --> 00:03:29,323
Where's the pain?
98
00:03:29,325 --> 00:03:32,225
Standing in front of me
asking stupid questions.
99
00:03:32,227 --> 00:03:34,361
Berta, be nice.
Alan's a doctor.
100
00:03:34,363 --> 00:03:36,496
Oh. Oh.
101
00:03:36,498 --> 00:03:37,864
Yes, yes, ha-ha.
102
00:03:37,866 --> 00:03:39,333
But I can help you.
103
00:03:39,335 --> 00:03:41,435
Although I am legally
obligated to tell you
104
00:03:41,437 --> 00:03:42,736
my license has expired.
105
00:03:42,738 --> 00:03:44,554
But thankfully backs
haven't changed that much
106
00:03:44,556 --> 00:03:46,940
since my unsuccessful
board review.
107
00:03:46,942 --> 00:03:48,925
So, uh, you can't
move at all?
108
00:03:48,927 --> 00:03:50,861
Every time I do,
it tightens up more.
109
00:03:50,863 --> 00:03:52,396
Oh, sounds
like a classic back spasm.
110
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:54,498
You probably just need
bed rest and ice, uh,
111
00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:57,034
but, just in case, let me see
if you need a spinal adjustment.
112
00:03:57,036 --> 00:03:58,935
Touch me and you die.
113
00:03:58,937 --> 00:04:02,489
She may also need
an attitude adjustment.
114
00:04:02,491 --> 00:04:05,409
Okay, I'll call my doctor and
have him come take a look.
115
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:08,111
Western medicine. He'll probably
just prescribe pain killers.
116
00:04:08,113 --> 00:04:09,413
Call him.
117
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:11,698
I will. In
the meantime,
118
00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:13,116
you stay here as
long as you need.
119
00:04:13,118 --> 00:04:14,334
I'll take the guest room.
120
00:04:14,336 --> 00:04:17,637
Why? My back's out
but my front still works.
121
00:04:17,639 --> 00:04:21,224
Be like Sturgis all over again.
122
00:04:21,226 --> 00:04:23,427
Oh...
123
00:04:25,179 --> 00:04:26,513
Morning.
124
00:04:26,515 --> 00:04:28,148
Hey.
125
00:04:28,150 --> 00:04:30,400
Hey, were you alone last night?
126
00:04:30,402 --> 00:04:31,418
Yeah, why?
127
00:04:31,420 --> 00:04:34,738
Because from 11:15 to 11:22,
128
00:04:34,740 --> 00:04:36,823
all I heard was, "Oh, yeah,
129
00:04:36,825 --> 00:04:39,776
that's the way Daddy likes it."
130
00:04:40,595 --> 00:04:44,664
Oh, um...
131
00:04:44,666 --> 00:04:47,617
Uh, right, the-the walls
are really thin,
132
00:04:47,619 --> 00:04:49,669
uh, between my bedroom
and the guest room,
133
00:04:49,671 --> 00:04:52,089
and I-I was watching TV.
134
00:04:52,091 --> 00:04:53,390
Hmm.
135
00:04:53,392 --> 00:04:56,393
So the same show
came on again at 1:30
136
00:04:56,395 --> 00:04:58,278
and then again at 4:15?
137
00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:00,130
Huh.
138
00:05:00,132 --> 00:05:02,516
Weird.
139
00:05:02,518 --> 00:05:04,117
Can I ask you something?
140
00:05:04,119 --> 00:05:05,102
Mm-hmm.
141
00:05:05,104 --> 00:05:07,938
What is wrong with Daddy?
142
00:05:07,940 --> 00:05:10,640
He's lonely, okay?
143
00:05:10,642 --> 00:05:12,726
Can you just let it go?
144
00:05:12,728 --> 00:05:14,844
I should ask you
the same question.
145
00:05:16,847 --> 00:05:18,281
What are you doing?
146
00:05:18,283 --> 00:05:19,983
Well, since Berta
is incapacitated,
147
00:05:19,985 --> 00:05:23,203
I have taken the initiative to
design and build a chore wheel.
148
00:05:23,205 --> 00:05:24,521
What is a chore wheel?
149
00:05:24,523 --> 00:05:27,240
It is a wheel with a variety
of chores on the outside
150
00:05:27,242 --> 00:05:28,792
and names on the inside.
151
00:05:28,794 --> 00:05:30,327
I got the idea
from my brother Charlie,
152
00:05:30,329 --> 00:05:32,129
who had a whore wheel.
153
00:05:34,365 --> 00:05:36,316
The only name on it is "Walden""
154
00:05:36,318 --> 00:05:40,120
Ah, that's because it was my
chore to make the chore wheel.
155
00:05:40,122 --> 00:05:41,805
And your
first chore
156
00:05:41,807 --> 00:05:43,256
is...
157
00:05:43,258 --> 00:05:44,708
"cleaning Alan's room."
158
00:05:44,710 --> 00:05:46,092
Ooh.
159
00:05:46,094 --> 00:05:49,412
That's gonna be tough
after last night.
160
00:05:50,214 --> 00:05:53,049
Maybe you should
have Daddy do it.
161
00:05:56,070 --> 00:05:59,189
Whoa, somebody found my stash.
162
00:05:59,191 --> 00:06:01,391
Wasn't hard.
It was right here in this box
163
00:06:01,393 --> 00:06:04,644
that says "Not Pot."
164
00:06:04,646 --> 00:06:06,363
Very clever.
165
00:06:06,365 --> 00:06:08,198
I didn't want anybody
to find my pot.
166
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,583
I was about to write, uh,
167
00:06:09,585 --> 00:06:12,752
"This Box Contains
Poisonous Jumping Bugs,"
168
00:06:12,754 --> 00:06:14,955
but then I thought,
"What if this magic marker
169
00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:16,873
"is actually magic
and it turns my pot
170
00:06:16,875 --> 00:06:19,426
into poisonous jumping bugs?"
171
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:22,745
I was really high.
172
00:06:22,747 --> 00:06:24,931
Uh, you know, I-I really
don't think it's a good idea
173
00:06:24,933 --> 00:06:27,250
to mix marijuana
with muscle relaxers.
174
00:06:27,252 --> 00:06:28,852
Oh, those pills are long gone.
175
00:06:28,854 --> 00:06:30,971
What? You had a good
two weeks' worth.
176
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:33,390
Or a great one night's worth.
177
00:06:33,392 --> 00:06:35,375
Oh, bacon.
178
00:06:35,377 --> 00:06:37,961
You guys take
such good care of me.
179
00:06:37,963 --> 00:06:39,746
That's because
you take good care of us.
180
00:06:39,748 --> 00:06:42,566
That's because I love you guys.
181
00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:44,618
I love you more. Shh!
182
00:06:44,620 --> 00:06:46,469
How's your back feeling?
183
00:06:46,471 --> 00:06:48,104
Actually, a lot better.
184
00:06:48,106 --> 00:06:50,323
I think I'm ready
to go back to work.
185
00:06:50,325 --> 00:06:51,741
Oh, really?
So you can get up?
186
00:06:51,743 --> 00:06:53,827
Absolutely.
187
00:06:53,829 --> 00:06:55,812
Am I up?
188
00:06:55,814 --> 00:06:56,813
No.
189
00:06:56,815 --> 00:06:58,565
Damn.
190
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:00,400
How 'bout now?
191
00:07:01,736 --> 00:07:03,420
Yep, looking good.
192
00:07:03,422 --> 00:07:05,205
Told you.
193
00:07:05,207 --> 00:07:08,425
Hey! Bacon!
194
00:07:12,563 --> 00:07:15,315
Why do these have windows?
195
00:07:17,752 --> 00:07:18,852
I don't need to see inside.
196
00:07:18,854 --> 00:07:21,888
I trust 'em to wash
and dry the clothes.
197
00:07:21,890 --> 00:07:23,440
You know,
when you think about it,
198
00:07:23,442 --> 00:07:25,692
a lot of appliances
have windows.
199
00:07:25,694 --> 00:07:26,976
Ovens,
200
00:07:26,978 --> 00:07:28,745
microwaves.
201
00:07:30,164 --> 00:07:33,733
Wait a minute. Are we watching
them or are they watching us?
202
00:07:33,735 --> 00:07:36,653
Got a little contact high
in there with Berta,
203
00:07:36,655 --> 00:07:38,788
did you?
Shh!
204
00:07:38,790 --> 00:07:40,657
Not in front of the washer.
205
00:07:43,177 --> 00:07:45,712
Hey, how old do you think
Berta is anyway?
206
00:07:45,714 --> 00:07:48,798
I don't even know
her last name.
207
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:52,652
You know, I'm just thinkin',
I mean, she hurt her back.
208
00:07:52,654 --> 00:07:54,504
It's taking her
a while to recover.
209
00:07:54,506 --> 00:07:57,457
I mean, maybe this job's just
getting to be too much for her.
210
00:07:57,459 --> 00:07:58,341
Really?
211
00:07:58,343 --> 00:07:59,442
Yeah, I don't know.
212
00:07:59,444 --> 00:08:00,694
I mean, she's not getting
any younger,
213
00:08:00,696 --> 00:08:02,696
and it's a pretty
labor-intensive job.
214
00:08:02,698 --> 00:08:07,117
Why in the world do you wear
boys' husky underwear?
215
00:08:08,119 --> 00:08:10,403
Okay, you know how some
people trim the hedges
216
00:08:10,405 --> 00:08:12,155
to make the
tree look bigger?
217
00:08:18,296 --> 00:08:23,466
Well, I say stuff the tree
in a smaller yard.
218
00:08:24,302 --> 00:08:26,419
We, when the police
raid the house
219
00:08:26,421 --> 00:08:28,338
and find a drawer full
of boys' underwear,
220
00:08:28,340 --> 00:08:30,390
that's not gonna be good
for any of us.
221
00:08:30,392 --> 00:08:32,142
Neither is a drawer full of pot.
222
00:08:32,144 --> 00:08:36,262
That's why I wrote
"Not Pot" on it.
223
00:08:36,264 --> 00:08:39,132
So are you saying you think
it's time for Berta to retire?
224
00:08:39,134 --> 00:08:41,534
I don't know.
Everyone slows down eventually.
225
00:08:41,536 --> 00:08:43,720
Mmm, maybe you're right.
226
00:08:43,722 --> 00:08:46,906
Maybe it's time to put
the old girl out to pasture.
227
00:08:46,908 --> 00:08:50,577
Send her off
to the housekeeper farm upstate.
228
00:08:50,579 --> 00:08:53,196
That might not be the best way
to tell her.
229
00:08:53,198 --> 00:08:55,565
What? The-the farm
is a beautiful place.
230
00:08:55,567 --> 00:08:59,252
She can run out in the fields
with all the other housekeepers.
231
00:08:59,254 --> 00:09:01,871
There's sponges
and fabric softener
232
00:09:01,873 --> 00:09:04,341
as far as the eye can see.
233
00:09:04,343 --> 00:09:08,311
And the only dishes left in
the sink are made of chocolate.
234
00:09:08,313 --> 00:09:11,665
I may be a little
stoned, too.
235
00:09:11,667 --> 00:09:15,101
You ever hear
about the roommate farm?
236
00:09:18,189 --> 00:09:19,839
Berta.
237
00:09:19,841 --> 00:09:21,891
We got a little surprise
for you.
238
00:09:21,893 --> 00:09:23,610
Chuck Norris?
239
00:09:24,428 --> 00:09:27,731
Fried chicken,
cheesecake and beer.
240
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:31,618
That's what my first husband
requested for his last meal.
241
00:09:31,620 --> 00:09:33,436
Am I dying?
242
00:09:33,438 --> 00:09:34,704
Oh, don't be silly.
243
00:09:34,706 --> 00:09:36,122
Do you like farms?
244
00:09:36,124 --> 00:09:37,490
- What?
- Oh.
245
00:09:37,492 --> 00:09:40,827
I-I think what he's trying
to say is,
246
00:09:40,829 --> 00:09:45,048
have you ever thought about
hanging up the old toilet brush?
247
00:09:45,050 --> 00:09:48,401
Raising that vest up
to the rafters?
248
00:09:48,403 --> 00:09:51,054
Oh, my God, you're firing me.
249
00:09:51,056 --> 00:09:53,173
No. I-I would
never fire you.
250
00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:54,641
I'm talking about retirement.
251
00:09:54,643 --> 00:09:55,709
Just kicking back,
252
00:09:55,711 --> 00:09:57,811
taking it easy,
getting high every day.
253
00:09:57,813 --> 00:09:59,646
I do that now.
254
00:10:01,132 --> 00:10:03,333
Besides, I can't afford
to retire.
255
00:10:03,335 --> 00:10:05,385
Well, what about that
pension plan I set up for you?
256
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:07,470
I'll tell you
what happened to it: life.
257
00:10:07,472 --> 00:10:09,138
Your house needs a new roof,
258
00:10:09,140 --> 00:10:10,774
your grandson needs braces,
259
00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:13,843
your daughter's meth lab
explodes.
260
00:10:13,845 --> 00:10:15,161
What were you planning
on doing,
261
00:10:15,163 --> 00:10:16,529
working for the rest
of your life?
262
00:10:16,531 --> 00:10:19,999
Nah, I thought about, uh,
getting a villa in Tuscany.
263
00:10:20,001 --> 00:10:22,786
Then I said, "Nah,
I'll just hang around here
264
00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:26,089
and clean the skid marks
out of Zippy's underwear."
265
00:10:29,460 --> 00:10:31,044
How about this?
266
00:10:31,046 --> 00:10:35,014
What if you could make
the same money you're making now
267
00:10:35,016 --> 00:10:37,117
and never have to work again?
268
00:10:37,119 --> 00:10:38,852
One last job? I like it.
269
00:10:38,854 --> 00:10:40,620
Am I driving or shooting?
270
00:10:40,622 --> 00:10:43,139
No. You retire,
271
00:10:43,141 --> 00:10:45,642
and I'll pay you for
the rest of your life.
272
00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:47,777
You're gonna pay me
for doing nothing?
273
00:10:47,779 --> 00:10:49,612
Yeah. I call it
the Alan Harper Plan.
274
00:10:51,348 --> 00:10:53,116
Where's this coming from?
275
00:10:53,118 --> 00:10:56,302
Uh, we're-we're just...
worried about you.
276
00:10:56,304 --> 00:10:59,289
This is a tough job, especially
for a woman of your age.
277
00:10:59,291 --> 00:11:00,957
What?
278
00:11:00,959 --> 00:11:03,543
He said it's hard for a woman
your age to do this job.
279
00:11:03,545 --> 00:11:04,511
I heard him!
280
00:11:04,513 --> 00:11:05,795
Oh.
281
00:11:05,797 --> 00:11:07,664
I can do the job just fine.
282
00:11:07,666 --> 00:11:09,966
Really? Because you
basically bent over
283
00:11:09,968 --> 00:11:12,652
and haven't been able to get
out of bed for two days.
284
00:11:12,654 --> 00:11:16,172
So you just want to treat me
like some pathetic charity case
285
00:11:16,174 --> 00:11:17,674
you can throw money at.
286
00:11:17,676 --> 00:11:20,193
Oh, no-no one's saying
you're a charity case.
287
00:11:20,195 --> 00:11:21,561
Although, I, on the other hand,
288
00:11:21,563 --> 00:11:24,046
would be happy to be one
of Walden's Kids.
289
00:11:26,433 --> 00:11:29,035
I'm just trying to do
something nice for you.
290
00:11:29,037 --> 00:11:30,770
By giving me a handout?
291
00:11:30,772 --> 00:11:33,573
Unlike you, I've worked for
every cent I ever made.
292
00:11:33,575 --> 00:11:34,374
Excuse me?
293
00:11:34,376 --> 00:11:35,959
You got rich from one idea.
294
00:11:35,961 --> 00:11:38,461
You have no clue what it's like
to work for a living.
295
00:11:38,463 --> 00:11:41,114
Okay, I am not gonna apologize
for being successful.
296
00:11:41,116 --> 00:11:42,499
No, you are not,
my friend.
297
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:44,000
Shut up!
Shut up!
298
00:11:44,002 --> 00:11:45,568
And please,
"work for a living"?
299
00:11:45,570 --> 00:11:47,837
You hurt your back trying
to take a nap!
300
00:11:47,839 --> 00:11:49,205
You know what?
301
00:11:49,207 --> 00:11:50,940
I don't have to take this crap.
302
00:11:50,942 --> 00:11:52,258
Well, that makes two of us.
303
00:11:52,260 --> 00:11:53,827
It's settled then. I quit.
304
00:11:53,829 --> 00:11:56,596
Oh, no! Where am I gonna find
someone to eat my food,
305
00:11:56,598 --> 00:11:59,749
smoke my pot
and sleep in my bed?!
306
00:11:59,751 --> 00:12:00,800
Oh...
307
00:12:00,802 --> 00:12:02,735
Shut up!
308
00:12:12,493 --> 00:12:15,045
So what do you think?
Was I right, or what?
309
00:12:15,047 --> 00:12:17,247
Yes, Helen is great.
310
00:12:17,249 --> 00:12:18,648
Although I still
don't understand
311
00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:21,284
why we couldn't at least
interview a topless maid.
312
00:12:21,286 --> 00:12:23,536
Or four.
313
00:12:23,538 --> 00:12:25,305
Will you forget
about the topless maids?
314
00:12:25,307 --> 00:12:27,140
I will never forget
about the topless maids.
315
00:12:27,142 --> 00:12:28,425
You saw the video.
316
00:12:28,427 --> 00:12:31,828
"The only thing dirty
in your house will be me."
317
00:12:33,832 --> 00:12:34,898
Supper time, boys.
318
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:36,099
Oh.
Oh.
319
00:12:36,101 --> 00:12:39,269
Helen, this lemonade
is delicious.
320
00:12:39,271 --> 00:12:41,838
That's because
I have a secret ingredient.
321
00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:43,073
Oh, really?
What-What is it?
322
00:12:43,075 --> 00:12:44,207
Love.
323
00:12:44,209 --> 00:12:46,343
Aw!
Oh!
324
00:12:46,345 --> 00:12:48,211
And, like, a pound of sugar.
325
00:12:49,915 --> 00:12:52,082
Hey, you still
miss Berta?
326
00:12:52,084 --> 00:12:53,350
Miss Berta who?
327
00:12:53,352 --> 00:12:56,486
Hey, maybe that's her
last name, "Who""
328
00:12:56,488 --> 00:12:58,421
More like, "Who Cares."
329
00:13:00,792 --> 00:13:03,126
Oh, my God, look at this!
330
00:13:03,128 --> 00:13:05,028
And for dessert,
331
00:13:05,030 --> 00:13:07,197
when your tummy
starts to rumble,
332
00:13:07,199 --> 00:13:09,432
there's Helen's apple crumble.
333
00:13:10,535 --> 00:13:12,469
Shut your mouth.
334
00:13:12,471 --> 00:13:14,404
I won't.
335
00:13:14,406 --> 00:13:15,872
You shouldn't.
336
00:13:17,342 --> 00:13:20,076
The only thing Berta ever made
with an apple was a bong.
337
00:13:20,078 --> 00:13:22,445
Oh, she sounds
like a hoot-and-a-half.
338
00:13:23,348 --> 00:13:24,881
Well, enjoy, boys!
339
00:13:24,883 --> 00:13:27,083
Oh, no, no, no, no,
come join us.
340
00:13:27,085 --> 00:13:29,119
Oh.
341
00:13:29,121 --> 00:13:32,856
Well, thank you very much.
342
00:13:32,858 --> 00:13:33,873
Oh.
343
00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:35,108
The only thing sweeter
344
00:13:35,110 --> 00:13:38,745
than your manners
is my peach cobbler.
345
00:13:39,430 --> 00:13:42,231
Spoiler alert-- tomorrow night.
346
00:13:43,334 --> 00:13:46,569
Well, I will be a gobbler
of your cobbler.
347
00:13:46,571 --> 00:13:50,423
I am gonna stitch that
on a pillow.
348
00:13:52,493 --> 00:13:55,178
Oh, do you...
do you mind if I say grace?
349
00:13:55,180 --> 00:13:58,231
Oh.
Yeah, sure, go ahead.
350
00:13:58,233 --> 00:14:01,251
Uh, should I eat this unblessed
biscuit, or spit it out?
351
00:14:01,253 --> 00:14:02,552
Dear Lord,
352
00:14:02,554 --> 00:14:05,221
we thank you for
the food that we are
353
00:14:05,223 --> 00:14:08,058
about to receive,
and all of the other blessings
354
00:14:08,060 --> 00:14:10,110
that you have bestowed upon us.
355
00:14:10,112 --> 00:14:11,928
Hmm. That was beautiful.
356
00:14:11,930 --> 00:14:12,896
And we humbly ask
357
00:14:12,898 --> 00:14:15,098
that you help Alan and Walden
358
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:16,616
find the path to righteousness.
359
00:14:16,618 --> 00:14:17,901
Wait.
360
00:14:17,903 --> 00:14:19,169
What?
361
00:14:19,171 --> 00:14:20,436
And lead them out
362
00:14:20,438 --> 00:14:23,940
of their sinful
homosexual lifestyles...
363
00:14:25,242 --> 00:14:26,743
...lest
364
00:14:26,745 --> 00:14:29,946
their souls burn
in the fiery pits of hell
365
00:14:29,948 --> 00:14:34,684
for all eternity
with all of the other Sodomites.
366
00:14:36,253 --> 00:14:37,670
Amen. Can I get
some sweet potatoes?
367
00:14:37,672 --> 00:14:39,873
Oh, sure.
368
00:14:40,925 --> 00:14:42,225
Alan?
369
00:14:42,227 --> 00:14:43,593
What? She already thinks
370
00:14:43,595 --> 00:14:46,346
we're gobbling
each others' cobblers.
371
00:14:53,255 --> 00:14:54,437
When you're finished
with that dish,
372
00:14:54,439 --> 00:14:56,072
just leave it,
and I'll take care of it.
373
00:14:56,074 --> 00:14:57,107
Oh, thank you, Colleen.
374
00:14:57,109 --> 00:14:58,324
No problem.
375
00:14:58,326 --> 00:15:00,527
I'm gonna go make the beds.
376
00:15:01,929 --> 00:15:03,580
I don't want
to spoil the surprise,
377
00:15:03,582 --> 00:15:05,865
but I'm pretty sure
she was carrying a little bag
378
00:15:05,867 --> 00:15:07,283
♪ of pillow chocolates.
379
00:15:07,285 --> 00:15:09,102
I have to admit,
she's pretty terrific.
380
00:15:09,104 --> 00:15:11,621
Right? I mean, she's
a good cook, she's punctual.
381
00:15:11,623 --> 00:15:13,356
She's accepting
of our lifestyle.
382
00:15:13,358 --> 00:15:18,528
There is no lifestyle to accept.
383
00:15:18,530 --> 00:15:20,213
But if things change,
it's nice to know
384
00:15:20,215 --> 00:15:21,798
we won't lose
a great housekeeper.
385
00:15:26,088 --> 00:15:27,470
That's-that's not me.
386
00:15:27,472 --> 00:15:28,872
Oh, uh, maybe it's Colleen.
387
00:15:28,874 --> 00:15:33,426
Um, Colleen?
388
00:15:33,428 --> 00:15:35,678
Oh, for the love of God,
just turn it off.
389
00:15:37,982 --> 00:15:39,966
Oh, dear.
390
00:15:39,968 --> 00:15:41,284
What?
391
00:15:41,286 --> 00:15:44,304
Look at this.
392
00:15:44,306 --> 00:15:45,688
Oh!
393
00:15:47,241 --> 00:15:50,176
Okay, I'm-I'm sure there's
a logical explanation for this.
394
00:15:50,178 --> 00:15:52,212
I mean, she's a...
she's a single woman,
395
00:15:52,214 --> 00:15:54,180
probably just trying
to protect herself.
396
00:15:54,182 --> 00:15:56,365
So, what's this one for?
397
00:15:57,651 --> 00:16:00,069
She has two guns?
398
00:16:00,071 --> 00:16:02,338
Uh...
399
00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:05,208
I count four...
400
00:16:05,210 --> 00:16:08,094
and what looks like a shank.
401
00:16:08,096 --> 00:16:10,396
Okay, you get to fire this one.
402
00:16:10,398 --> 00:16:11,881
Did I hear my phone?
403
00:16:15,152 --> 00:16:17,887
Alan has something
he'd like to tell you.
404
00:16:19,924 --> 00:16:21,724
I think I made
a pillow chocolate
405
00:16:21,726 --> 00:16:23,960
in my boys' huskies.
406
00:16:25,095 --> 00:16:28,081
Okay. Well,
our last housekeeper,
407
00:16:28,083 --> 00:16:30,083
um, cleaned.
Mm.
408
00:16:30,085 --> 00:16:31,918
And, uh, sometimes
cooked for us.
409
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,703
Is that something that
you're comfortable with?
410
00:16:33,705 --> 00:16:36,022
Sure. What would you like me
to cook?
411
00:16:36,024 --> 00:16:38,074
Oh, I-I don't know.
412
00:16:38,076 --> 00:16:40,210
For breakfast, I like pancakes.
Mm-hmm.
413
00:16:40,212 --> 00:16:44,614
Of course. Pancakes!
414
00:16:44,616 --> 00:16:47,500
I'm... I'm-I'm sorry.
415
00:16:47,502 --> 00:16:48,935
You see
an African-American woman,
416
00:16:48,937 --> 00:16:50,637
and the first thing
you think is,
417
00:16:50,639 --> 00:16:52,889
"Aunt Jemima going to whip us up
some flapjacks."
418
00:16:52,891 --> 00:16:54,324
Oh!
419
00:16:54,326 --> 00:16:56,059
No! No! No!
No, no. Um...
420
00:16:56,061 --> 00:16:57,944
Do I need
to bring my own bandana,
421
00:16:57,946 --> 00:17:00,280
or are you going
to supply me with one?
422
00:17:00,282 --> 00:17:02,148
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry.
We just, uh...
423
00:17:02,150 --> 00:17:03,816
You know, we really like pancakes.
Yeah.
424
00:17:03,818 --> 00:17:05,404
But, you know, I suppose
waffles are-are fine.
425
00:17:05,429 --> 00:17:06,237
Yeah, waffles.
426
00:17:06,238 --> 00:17:09,105
Chicken and waffles?
427
00:17:09,107 --> 00:17:10,957
You know what? Let's...
428
00:17:10,959 --> 00:17:12,659
Let's just forget
breakfast.
429
00:17:12,661 --> 00:17:14,627
I'll just... I'll
just have coffee.
430
00:17:14,629 --> 00:17:16,045
How do you take it?
431
00:17:16,047 --> 00:17:17,447
Bla...
432
00:17:19,717 --> 00:17:21,551
I prefer tea.
433
00:17:22,970 --> 00:17:25,822
Um, so, are you okay
with doing laundry?
434
00:17:25,824 --> 00:17:28,258
Yeah. And I suppose
you want me
435
00:17:28,260 --> 00:17:32,145
to separate the whites
from the colors.
436
00:17:33,981 --> 00:17:36,165
Um, but you are aware
437
00:17:36,167 --> 00:17:38,301
you're applying for a
job as a housekeeper?
438
00:17:38,303 --> 00:17:40,770
Oh, so, now I don't know
why I'm here?
439
00:17:41,638 --> 00:17:43,990
Um, I'm not sure you do.
440
00:17:43,992 --> 00:17:46,743
What?!
Okay, okay. Let's...
441
00:17:47,978 --> 00:17:49,429
Everybody just calm down.
442
00:17:49,431 --> 00:17:51,281
Oh, so now I've got to calm down
443
00:17:51,283 --> 00:17:53,750
just because I was diagnosed
with schizophrenia?!
444
00:17:54,985 --> 00:17:57,453
Can you believe
these fools, Donny?
445
00:18:03,928 --> 00:18:07,630
Okay, I think we have all
the information we need.
446
00:18:07,632 --> 00:18:10,116
Mm-hmm.
Um... we'll be in touch.
447
00:18:10,118 --> 00:18:12,435
Great.
448
00:18:12,437 --> 00:18:14,921
Let me know
if you need any references.
449
00:18:16,824 --> 00:18:19,008
Oh, you all have a lovely home.
450
00:18:22,746 --> 00:18:25,965
Donny, come on now!
451
00:18:28,485 --> 00:18:30,737
No, no. You know what?
I changed my mind.
452
00:18:30,739 --> 00:18:32,538
I don't want to
talk to Berta.
453
00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:35,191
Too bad. You wouldn't let
a topless maid make your bed,
454
00:18:35,193 --> 00:18:36,960
and now you've got
to lie in it.
455
00:18:37,945 --> 00:18:40,430
All right, well, I am
not going to apologize.
456
00:18:40,432 --> 00:18:41,547
You won't have to.
457
00:18:41,549 --> 00:18:43,532
She said if you made
an effort and came to her,
458
00:18:43,534 --> 00:18:45,551
that she'd be more
than happy to apologize to you.
459
00:18:46,503 --> 00:18:49,138
Zippy says you
want to apologize.
460
00:18:50,341 --> 00:18:52,642
See what I did there?
Can we come in?
461
00:18:52,644 --> 00:18:54,594
No, place is a mess.
462
00:18:54,596 --> 00:18:57,747
I was a jerk
to my housekeeper, so she quit.
463
00:18:57,749 --> 00:18:59,799
Okay, that's it.
I'm out of here.
464
00:18:59,801 --> 00:19:02,185
Oh, come on, Walden! Is it that
difficult to say you're sorry?
465
00:19:02,187 --> 00:19:04,437
It is when you have nothing
to say you're sorry for.
466
00:19:04,439 --> 00:19:07,023
Are you that clueless?
You hurt my feelings.
467
00:19:07,025 --> 00:19:10,159
You hurt my feelings,
and you smoked all my pot,
468
00:19:10,161 --> 00:19:13,413
so I had no way of not feeling
what I was feeling.
469
00:19:14,915 --> 00:19:16,249
Okay, okay,
dialogue is good.
470
00:19:16,251 --> 00:19:18,084
Now let's see if we can find
some common ground.
471
00:19:18,086 --> 00:19:18,901
You're an idiot.
472
00:19:18,903 --> 00:19:20,336
Agree.
473
00:19:22,172 --> 00:19:25,541
Look, I... I...
474
00:19:25,543 --> 00:19:28,744
was trying to help you
because I care about you.
475
00:19:28,746 --> 00:19:31,431
Not because I see you
as a charity case.
476
00:19:31,433 --> 00:19:33,700
And I'm sorry if you got
the wrong impression.
477
00:19:33,702 --> 00:19:36,252
I'm sorry I overreacted.
478
00:19:36,254 --> 00:19:38,137
Besides, I was so high,
479
00:19:38,139 --> 00:19:41,024
I thought
you were a talking dragon.
480
00:19:44,895 --> 00:19:48,431
It is really good stuff.
481
00:19:48,433 --> 00:19:51,868
That's the stuff I give
my grandkids at Christmas.
482
00:19:53,170 --> 00:19:56,706
It's funny cause I get it
from a guy named Jesus.
483
00:19:58,325 --> 00:20:00,776
So, what do you say?
Will you come back?
484
00:20:00,778 --> 00:20:02,812
I don't know.
485
00:20:02,814 --> 00:20:04,947
You may be right.
486
00:20:04,949 --> 00:20:08,167
I might not be able
to do everything I used to do.
487
00:20:08,169 --> 00:20:10,553
Well, we'll work around it,
right?
488
00:20:10,555 --> 00:20:12,805
Oh, absolutely.
What-whatever it takes.
489
00:20:13,824 --> 00:20:15,058
Deal?
490
00:20:15,060 --> 00:20:16,709
Deal.
491
00:20:16,711 --> 00:20:18,794
Come on in, I'll make
you a cup of coffee.
492
00:20:24,301 --> 00:20:27,320
Not funny!
493
00:20:27,322 --> 00:20:29,188
Mm.
494
00:20:35,579 --> 00:20:37,730
Still not funny!
495
00:20:48,807 --> 00:20:50,824
I'm glad you're back.
496
00:20:50,826 --> 00:20:54,161
Me, too, and I really appreciate
you getting me some help.
497
00:20:54,163 --> 00:20:56,247
It's the least
I could do.
498
00:20:56,249 --> 00:20:58,098
And I have to admit,
499
00:20:58,100 --> 00:20:59,883
Alan was right about
hiring a topless maid.
500
00:20:59,885 --> 00:21:02,052
Oh.
501
00:21:08,220 --> 00:21:11,806
If it wasn't in the hamper,
it's not going in the washer.
502
00:21:11,808 --> 00:21:14,141
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net