1
00:00:07,260 --> 00:00:08,978
Oh.
2
00:00:10,897 --> 00:00:12,598
What are you doing, Alan?
3
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:15,067
Gazing at you
in the morning light.
4
00:00:15,069 --> 00:00:16,469
Aw, that's sweet.
5
00:00:16,471 --> 00:00:18,037
And creepy.
6
00:00:18,039 --> 00:00:19,822
I just... I
can't remember
7
00:00:19,824 --> 00:00:21,907
the last time we woke up together.
8
00:00:21,909 --> 00:00:23,626
And we're not the only two up.
9
00:00:23,628 --> 00:00:26,045
Cock-a-doodle-doo, you.
10
00:00:26,047 --> 00:00:27,780
That's just creepy.
11
00:00:27,782 --> 00:00:28,947
Where you going?
12
00:00:28,949 --> 00:00:30,499
I have to pick Larry up
from the airport.
13
00:00:30,501 --> 00:00:33,452
Oh, have Larry take a cab
and stay here with me.
14
00:00:33,454 --> 00:00:35,721
I'll even give you $50
for the fare.
15
00:00:38,676 --> 00:00:41,177
All right, all right,
I'll walk you out.
16
00:00:41,179 --> 00:00:43,729
Let me just tuck the old
rooster back in the barn.
17
00:00:46,099 --> 00:00:48,100
Oh.
18
00:00:48,102 --> 00:00:49,935
Oh. Hi.
19
00:00:49,937 --> 00:00:52,521
Jenny, this is Lyndsey.
20
00:00:52,523 --> 00:00:54,690
This is Lyndsey, too.
It's Leslie.
21
00:00:54,692 --> 00:00:58,077
Oh, that's a pretty name.
22
00:00:59,613 --> 00:01:02,248
I really enjoyed
myself last night.
23
00:01:02,250 --> 00:01:06,619
Well, I really enjoyed myself
watching you enjoy yourself.
24
00:01:06,621 --> 00:01:08,270
Oh. Wow.
25
00:01:08,272 --> 00:01:10,623
Got a little traffic jam here.
26
00:01:10,625 --> 00:01:13,843
"Pretty lady pileup
on the PCH in Malibu.
27
00:01:13,845 --> 00:01:16,962
I know at least one of them
was rear-ended."
28
00:01:18,998 --> 00:01:20,883
Sorry, girls.
29
00:01:20,885 --> 00:01:23,335
This one's mine.
30
00:01:23,337 --> 00:01:24,770
I'll see you.
Okay. Bye.
31
00:01:25,555 --> 00:01:28,057
Call me.
Call me.
32
00:01:28,059 --> 00:01:30,359
Call me.
33
00:01:30,361 --> 00:01:32,177
I'm not calling.
34
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:34,063
I'm not calling.
35
00:01:34,065 --> 00:01:36,181
She's not calling.
36
00:01:36,183 --> 00:01:38,617
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
37
00:01:38,619 --> 00:01:39,298
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
38
00:01:39,299 --> 00:01:43,299
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x05 ♪
Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
Original Air Date on October 24, 2013
39
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:48,300
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
40
00:01:48,326 --> 00:01:50,777
Ow. Ow.
41
00:01:50,779 --> 00:01:53,248
Okay, okay. This is ridiculous.
Why can't we go to a hotel?
42
00:01:53,249 --> 00:01:54,682
Are you gonna spring for a room?
43
00:01:54,684 --> 00:01:57,518
Traditionally, the mistress
does not pay.
44
00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:59,586
I'm sorry. I just don't
have a lot of time,
45
00:01:59,588 --> 00:02:01,622
and I have a lot
of other errands to run.
46
00:02:01,624 --> 00:02:03,023
So I'm just an errand?
47
00:02:03,025 --> 00:02:06,093
No. But you are
on my to-do list.
48
00:02:06,095 --> 00:02:08,595
So what do you say we do it
in the backseat?
49
00:02:08,597 --> 00:02:11,098
Really? I'd say
you're usually drunk
50
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:13,717
before you let me do...
Alan.
51
00:02:13,719 --> 00:02:16,437
I'm talking about the backseat
of the car.
52
00:02:16,439 --> 00:02:18,171
Oh. Oh, sorry. Sure.
53
00:02:18,173 --> 00:02:20,891
Oh, there's a box of stuff
back here.
54
00:02:20,893 --> 00:02:22,893
Just shove that junk
in the trunk.
55
00:02:23,845 --> 00:02:25,913
I'm getting a lot
of mixed messages here.
56
00:02:26,564 --> 00:02:28,115
Wh-What is this stuff anyway?
57
00:02:28,117 --> 00:02:29,366
Bunch of old clothes of Larry's.
58
00:02:29,368 --> 00:02:31,568
I'm giving them to Goodwill
after I squeeze you in.
59
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,455
I did that one on purpose.
60
00:02:35,707 --> 00:02:38,492
Mmm. This is nice stuff.
61
00:02:38,494 --> 00:02:40,327
I have to bring some stuff
to Goodwill.
62
00:02:40,329 --> 00:02:41,795
Why don't I just take this, too?
63
00:02:41,797 --> 00:02:43,363
Really? What do you have
to bring to Goodwill?
64
00:02:43,365 --> 00:02:47,751
Uh, all of my old clothes 'cause
I just got a new wardrobe.
65
00:02:48,753 --> 00:02:51,221
♪ Men. ♪
66
00:02:52,557 --> 00:02:53,690
Morning.
67
00:02:53,692 --> 00:02:55,809
Afternoon.
68
00:02:55,811 --> 00:02:58,662
Oh, thank God. I thought
I was drinking in the morning.
69
00:02:58,664 --> 00:03:00,063
Jenny...
70
00:03:00,065 --> 00:03:02,816
where do you see yourself
in five years?
71
00:03:02,818 --> 00:03:05,853
Little house on the beach
in Hawaii with Kate Upton.
72
00:03:05,855 --> 00:03:08,272
Wait, Kate Upton's straight.
73
00:03:08,274 --> 00:03:10,223
Give me two weeks.
74
00:03:10,225 --> 00:03:12,443
What I'm saying is,
you didn't just move out here
75
00:03:12,445 --> 00:03:14,194
to party and drink, did you?
76
00:03:14,196 --> 00:03:16,396
Well, I want to be an actress,
so...
77
00:03:16,398 --> 00:03:17,998
yeah.
78
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,534
I mean, seriously, what are you
doing about your career?
79
00:03:20,536 --> 00:03:21,869
Are you looking for an agent?
80
00:03:21,871 --> 00:03:23,353
Are you taking acting classes?
81
00:03:23,355 --> 00:03:25,539
Oh, my God. If I squint,
82
00:03:25,541 --> 00:03:29,343
you're, like,
a prettier version of my mom.
83
00:03:29,345 --> 00:03:32,596
I'm pointing out
that it's the middle of the day
84
00:03:32,598 --> 00:03:34,748
and you stl haven't done
a single thing yet.
85
00:03:34,750 --> 00:03:36,884
I could say the same thing
about you.
86
00:03:36,886 --> 00:03:38,769
Oh. There.
87
00:03:38,771 --> 00:03:41,972
I just sold a company
for $25 million.
88
00:03:41,974 --> 00:03:43,123
Really?
89
00:03:43,125 --> 00:03:45,759
No, I bought a Groupon
for Indian food.
90
00:03:45,761 --> 00:03:48,278
But it's still more
than you've done.
91
00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,696
Oh, oh, sorry.
92
00:03:49,698 --> 00:03:51,348
What's that? Oh. Why, yes,
93
00:03:51,350 --> 00:03:54,601
it is a $5,000 Armani suit.
94
00:03:54,603 --> 00:03:58,906
Wow. $5,003 just walked
into the room.
95
00:03:58,908 --> 00:04:00,357
It's one of Larry's old suits.
96
00:04:00,359 --> 00:04:02,910
He was gonna give it to charity,
but I stole it just in time.
97
00:04:04,129 --> 00:04:06,046
Alan, you're going to hell.
98
00:04:06,048 --> 00:04:08,849
Yes, but you're going to Heaven,
and I'll just be your plus-one.
99
00:04:09,801 --> 00:04:13,053
Sweet. Somebody else
for you to judge.
100
00:04:13,055 --> 00:04:14,588
I'm gonna go Google Kate Upton.
101
00:04:16,307 --> 00:04:18,475
You're already having sex
with this guy's girlfriend.
102
00:04:18,477 --> 00:04:20,010
Now you're wearing his clothes?
103
00:04:20,012 --> 00:04:22,596
I know. How awesome am I?
104
00:04:22,598 --> 00:04:24,314
I have a hot blonde girlfriend,
105
00:04:24,316 --> 00:04:25,732
a closet full
of designer clothes
106
00:04:25,734 --> 00:04:27,184
and a beach house.
107
00:04:27,186 --> 00:04:29,853
Where to begin?
108
00:04:29,855 --> 00:04:32,272
Not your girlfriend,
not your clothes
109
00:04:32,274 --> 00:04:34,408
and-- how many times
do I have to say this?--
110
00:04:34,410 --> 00:04:36,577
it's not your beach house.
111
00:04:37,579 --> 00:04:38,829
In fact, if you took away
112
00:04:38,831 --> 00:04:40,163
everything that was
Larry's or mine,
113
00:04:40,165 --> 00:04:42,783
you'd be alone on the street
in your underwear.
114
00:04:42,785 --> 00:04:45,452
Actually, I'd be naked.
115
00:04:46,788 --> 00:04:49,706
Please tell me you're wearing
Larry's underwear and not mine.
116
00:04:49,708 --> 00:04:51,091
Yes, they're Larry's.
117
00:04:51,093 --> 00:04:54,595
Although my bug is a little snug
in his rug.
118
00:04:54,597 --> 00:04:58,348
King to rook four.
Checkmate, Alan's penis.
119
00:04:58,350 --> 00:05:00,934
I don't think
I've ever said this.
120
00:05:00,936 --> 00:05:04,187
In fact, I don't know if anyone
has ever said this, but...
121
00:05:04,189 --> 00:05:08,008
Alan Harper,
you're better than this.
122
00:05:08,010 --> 00:05:09,643
I'm just making the best
of what I've got.
123
00:05:09,645 --> 00:05:11,228
You know,
when life gives you lemons,
124
00:05:11,230 --> 00:05:12,446
you take theon's lemlothes
125
00:05:12,448 --> 00:05:14,314
and have sex
with his girlfriend.
126
00:05:14,316 --> 00:05:18,201
Okay. Where do you see you
and Lyndsey in five years?
127
00:05:18,203 --> 00:05:21,555
Don't answer!
It's a trap!
128
00:05:21,557 --> 00:05:25,375
All I'm saying is, is you
deserve a real relationship.
129
00:05:25,377 --> 00:05:27,027
Well, what would you do
if you were in my shoes?
130
00:05:27,029 --> 00:05:29,329
First, I'd give them back
to Larry.
131
00:05:30,865 --> 00:05:32,883
And then I would tell Lyndsey
that things have to change
132
00:05:32,885 --> 00:05:35,368
and I want more, and if she
can't give me what I want,
133
00:05:35,370 --> 00:05:37,137
then I'm not gonna give her
what she wants.
134
00:05:37,139 --> 00:05:39,089
You do know what
she wants, though, right?
135
00:05:39,091 --> 00:05:40,908
Wham, wham, wham.
136
00:05:41,943 --> 00:05:43,944
That was sex.
137
00:05:43,946 --> 00:05:45,679
No, that was sad.
138
00:05:45,681 --> 00:05:46,930
But you know what?
139
00:05:46,932 --> 00:05:48,832
Hey, if you're happy,
then so be it.
140
00:05:48,834 --> 00:05:51,384
No, no, no. You're right.
I'm-I'm gonna tell her that...
141
00:05:51,386 --> 00:05:54,271
I want more, you know,
that I'm not just a, you know,
142
00:05:54,273 --> 00:05:55,439
human vibrator.
143
00:05:55,441 --> 00:05:57,991
Although...
how cool would that be?
144
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:05,699
How bad must this Larry guy
be in bed?
145
00:06:05,701 --> 00:06:07,567
♪ Men. ♪
146
00:06:07,569 --> 00:06:10,570
That was amazing.
147
00:06:10,572 --> 00:06:13,707
Tell your friends.
148
00:06:13,709 --> 00:06:16,209
Although, were you buzzing
at one point?
149
00:06:16,211 --> 00:06:17,177
Oh, yeah, sorry.
150
00:06:17,179 --> 00:06:18,545
I was just trying
something new.
151
00:06:18,547 --> 00:06:21,131
No, no, whatever you did
definitely worked.
152
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:24,685
Alan Harper, pleasing
women since 2003.
153
00:06:24,687 --> 00:06:26,687
That's when I
got divorced.
154
00:06:26,689 --> 00:06:29,473
You always make me laugh.
155
00:06:29,475 --> 00:06:32,559
If that's the case, then
be with me all the time.
156
00:06:32,561 --> 00:06:33,731
What?
157
00:06:33,756 --> 00:06:35,697
I want you back. I'm tired
of being the other man.
158
00:06:35,698 --> 00:06:38,448
Oh, don't do this.
We're having such a good time.
159
00:06:38,450 --> 00:06:41,201
Exactly. We have the best
sex, I-I make you laugh...
160
00:06:41,203 --> 00:06:43,320
Often simultaneously.
161
00:06:43,322 --> 00:06:45,772
What could Larry possibly
give you that I don't?
162
00:06:45,774 --> 00:06:47,440
There's just something
about him.
163
00:06:47,442 --> 00:06:49,442
You'd have to know him
to understand.
164
00:06:49,444 --> 00:06:52,212
He-he satisfies
a different part of me.
165
00:06:52,214 --> 00:06:54,631
Point to it and I'll buzz it.
166
00:06:54,633 --> 00:06:56,967
Alan, I know
this is hard on you.
167
00:06:56,969 --> 00:06:59,336
And, yes, I know
I said "hard on."
168
00:06:59,338 --> 00:07:01,555
I just want to
see more of you.
169
00:07:01,557 --> 00:07:03,173
Okay, how about this?
170
00:07:03,175 --> 00:07:05,726
Larry takes spinning classes
on Tuesday and Thursday nights.
171
00:07:05,728 --> 00:07:07,177
You can see more of me then.
172
00:07:07,179 --> 00:07:08,645
Fine.
173
00:07:08,647 --> 00:07:10,013
But I am not gonna be
174
00:07:10,015 --> 00:07:11,348
at your beck and
call forever.
175
00:07:11,350 --> 00:07:13,466
I have my dignity.
176
00:07:13,468 --> 00:07:14,985
That would carry more weight
if you weren't wearing
177
00:07:14,987 --> 00:07:16,019
Larry's underwear.
178
00:07:16,021 --> 00:07:17,187
Well, the joke's on you.
179
00:07:17,189 --> 00:07:19,856
This is Walden's underwear.
180
00:07:21,943 --> 00:07:23,610
♪ Men. ♪
181
00:07:23,612 --> 00:07:25,746
You have a second?
182
00:07:25,748 --> 00:07:27,114
I just finished my second.
183
00:07:27,116 --> 00:07:28,815
What I need is a third.
184
00:07:28,817 --> 00:07:31,334
I will fill your cup,
but I will fill it
185
00:07:31,336 --> 00:07:33,987
with knowledge, potential
and opportunity.
186
00:07:33,989 --> 00:07:38,709
But bourbon makes me feel
smarter, prettier and taller.
187
00:07:39,744 --> 00:07:40,761
What is this?
188
00:07:40,763 --> 00:07:43,046
A friend of mine teaches
an acting class,
189
00:07:43,048 --> 00:07:45,599
and there is a spot for you.
Really?
190
00:07:45,601 --> 00:07:46,750
Yeah, this guy's
the best.
191
00:07:46,752 --> 00:07:49,269
Here, check out
his credits.
192
00:07:49,271 --> 00:07:52,139
CSI, urinating bum
number three.
193
00:07:52,141 --> 00:07:55,692
Dexter, headless
victim number two.
194
00:07:55,694 --> 00:07:57,844
That ain't easy.
195
00:07:57,846 --> 00:08:00,781
Why are you doing this?
196
00:08:00,783 --> 00:08:02,199
'Cause I like you.
197
00:08:02,201 --> 00:08:04,017
And...
198
00:08:04,019 --> 00:08:06,403
I don't want you to wake up
one day and realize
199
00:08:06,405 --> 00:08:09,039
that you've wasted your life and
you have nothing to show for it.
200
00:08:09,041 --> 00:08:10,857
What I'm saying is,
201
00:08:10,859 --> 00:08:13,910
I don't want you
to turn out like Alan.
202
00:08:15,163 --> 00:08:17,214
I don't want two Alans.
203
00:08:17,216 --> 00:08:20,383
I can't have two Alans.
204
00:08:20,385 --> 00:08:22,552
Okay, all right, all right,
all right. Calm down.
205
00:08:22,554 --> 00:08:24,805
I'll-I'll go to the class, okay?
206
00:08:24,807 --> 00:08:26,306
Thank you.
207
00:08:26,308 --> 00:08:27,974
Uh, but you're gonna pay
for it, right?
208
00:08:27,976 --> 00:08:29,042
Oh, it's starting already.
209
00:08:29,044 --> 00:08:30,644
♪ Men. ♪
210
00:08:30,646 --> 00:08:33,546
Alan, Larry's at spin class.
Where are you?
211
00:08:33,548 --> 00:08:36,266
I can't make it. I-I think
I've got food poisoning.
212
00:08:36,268 --> 00:08:37,684
Oh, no. What'd you eat?
213
00:08:37,686 --> 00:08:39,352
Well, I had some crappy crepes,
214
00:08:39,354 --> 00:08:42,773
and now I've got
some crepe-y craps.
215
00:08:42,775 --> 00:08:44,224
Oh, that's awful.
216
00:08:44,226 --> 00:08:45,692
I hope you feel better.
217
00:08:45,694 --> 00:08:47,077
Thanks. Me, too.
218
00:08:47,079 --> 00:08:48,912
Tonight I'll be hugging
the toilet,
219
00:08:48,914 --> 00:08:51,364
but I'll be thinking of you.
220
00:08:51,366 --> 00:08:53,533
Bye.
221
00:08:59,857 --> 00:09:02,192
Um, hey, is this bike taken?
222
00:09:02,194 --> 00:09:03,593
Nope, help yourself.
223
00:09:03,595 --> 00:09:05,796
Great. First-timer.
224
00:09:05,798 --> 00:09:08,131
Welcome. I'm Larry.
225
00:09:08,133 --> 00:09:11,852
I'm... Jeff.
226
00:09:11,854 --> 00:09:13,220
Nice to meet you, Jeff.
227
00:09:13,222 --> 00:09:15,038
So, you're a newbie, huh?
228
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:16,857
Well, yeah, how
hard can it be?
229
00:09:16,859 --> 00:09:18,525
It's just riding a bike.
230
00:09:18,527 --> 00:09:19,643
Hey.
231
00:09:19,645 --> 00:09:22,729
I used to have
those same exact shoes.
232
00:09:22,731 --> 00:09:25,398
Even had a hole
in the same spot.
233
00:09:26,768 --> 00:09:29,069
Well, I've got my eye
on the ones you're wearing.
234
00:09:29,071 --> 00:09:31,238
♪ Men. ♪
235
00:09:41,923 --> 00:09:43,756
Isn't this great?
236
00:09:43,758 --> 00:09:46,376
Kill me!
237
00:09:46,378 --> 00:09:47,677
You got this.
238
00:09:47,679 --> 00:09:49,579
The only thing I've got
is a blister
239
00:09:49,581 --> 00:09:52,849
in the space
between my balls and my ass.
240
00:09:52,851 --> 00:09:54,050
Come on, Jeff. Don't quit!
241
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,235
You can do it!
242
00:09:55,237 --> 00:09:56,186
I can't.
243
00:09:56,188 --> 00:09:57,353
Yes, you can!
244
00:09:57,355 --> 00:09:59,972
You can keep it up
for a few more seconds!
245
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:02,642
I'm doing it!
246
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:05,361
I'm doing it! It's working!
247
00:10:05,363 --> 00:10:07,197
I'm a maniac!
248
00:10:08,082 --> 00:10:09,782
I'm a maniac!
249
00:10:09,784 --> 00:10:11,651
Attaboy. Don't go soft on me!
250
00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:12,836
Finish strong!
251
00:10:17,508 --> 00:10:18,658
Whew.
252
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,710
I was pedaling
toward the light.
253
00:10:20,712 --> 00:10:22,212
It was so beautiful.
254
00:10:22,214 --> 00:10:24,097
My pop-pop was there.
255
00:10:24,099 --> 00:10:25,682
He was smoking his pipe.
256
00:10:25,684 --> 00:10:28,801
It smelled like cinnamon
and cherries.
257
00:10:28,803 --> 00:10:31,271
Come on. Let's get you
off this bike, Jeff.
258
00:10:31,273 --> 00:10:33,389
Who's Jeff?
259
00:10:33,391 --> 00:10:34,840
Boy, you really are
out of it.
260
00:10:34,842 --> 00:10:36,359
Come on, we'll get you
some water.
261
00:10:36,361 --> 00:10:38,228
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're still clipped in there!
262
00:10:38,230 --> 00:10:39,312
Pop-Pop, help!
263
00:10:39,314 --> 00:10:40,864
Don't worry.
I got you. I got you.
264
00:10:40,866 --> 00:10:42,699
Oh. You're so strong.
265
00:10:42,701 --> 00:10:45,401
I feel so safe.
266
00:10:45,403 --> 00:10:46,986
That was so much
harder than I thought.
267
00:10:46,988 --> 00:10:47,954
But you did it.
268
00:10:47,956 --> 00:10:50,022
Uh, well, yeah, thanks to you.
269
00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,207
Nice job, Larry.
270
00:10:51,209 --> 00:10:53,192
See you Thursday?
You know it.
271
00:10:54,161 --> 00:10:56,296
I can see why you like
these cycling classes.
272
00:10:56,298 --> 00:10:59,215
Wouldn't mind taking her
on a Tour de Pants.
273
00:10:59,217 --> 00:11:02,168
That's funny. But I actually
got a girlfriend.
274
00:11:02,170 --> 00:11:03,586
Hey, I've got towels at home.
275
00:11:03,588 --> 00:11:05,871
Doesn't mean I'm not taking
a couple of these with me.
276
00:11:05,873 --> 00:11:07,707
No, Lyndsey's great.
Oh.
277
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:10,143
I know what it's like to have
a girl you're crazy about.
278
00:11:10,145 --> 00:11:12,145
I had a girl
I would have killed for.
279
00:11:13,147 --> 00:11:15,398
You ever kill anybody, Larry?
280
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:17,433
You're... you're hilarious.
281
00:11:17,435 --> 00:11:18,735
Yeah, I-I actually did dabble
282
00:11:18,737 --> 00:11:20,570
in stand-up comedy
back in the '80s.
283
00:11:20,572 --> 00:11:23,907
I-I had this one bit
about Nixon working in a diner.
284
00:11:23,909 --> 00:11:25,224
I am not a cook.
285
00:11:26,444 --> 00:11:28,328
The '80s?
What, were you, like, five?
286
00:11:29,748 --> 00:11:31,230
Wow.
287
00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:33,533
There really is something
about him.
288
00:11:33,535 --> 00:11:35,285
Uh, do you need
to answer that?
289
00:11:35,287 --> 00:11:36,669
No, it's just
a work call.
290
00:11:36,671 --> 00:11:39,923
Wait. Does that say...
does that say "Billy Joel"?
291
00:11:39,925 --> 00:11:41,341
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I manage musicians,
292
00:11:41,343 --> 00:11:43,192
so I'm trying to sign him,
but I'll call him back.
293
00:11:43,194 --> 00:11:44,193
I'm talking to you.
294
00:11:44,195 --> 00:11:46,212
But he's a rock star.
295
00:11:46,214 --> 00:11:47,513
Rock stars aren't so impressive
296
00:11:47,515 --> 00:11:49,582
when they've had a bottle
of white, a bottle of red
297
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:51,050
and they're peeing
in your koi pond.
298
00:11:51,052 --> 00:11:52,969
What do you do, Jeff?
299
00:11:52,971 --> 00:11:55,038
Oh, I'm just a-a chiropractor.
300
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:56,856
Just a chiropractor?
301
00:11:56,858 --> 00:11:58,224
Your hands heal.
302
00:11:58,226 --> 00:11:59,609
You know what these hands do?
303
00:11:59,611 --> 00:12:02,695
They roll over drummers before
they choke on their own vomit.
304
00:12:02,697 --> 00:12:06,399
I make people fart when
I press down on their backs.
305
00:12:06,401 --> 00:12:08,701
Hey, I'm gonna grab a smoothie.
306
00:12:08,703 --> 00:12:10,119
You want to...?
Oh, I should probably head...
307
00:12:10,121 --> 00:12:11,904
My treat.
...over to the smoothie bar
308
00:12:11,906 --> 00:12:13,573
with my new friend Larry.
309
00:12:13,575 --> 00:12:15,692
I swear, I had
that same shirt, too.
310
00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:18,711
Looks like we're into a
lot of the same things.
311
00:12:20,714 --> 00:12:23,816
♪ Men. ♪
312
00:12:23,818 --> 00:12:24,968
Hey.
313
00:12:24,970 --> 00:12:26,919
Whoa! Where were you?
314
00:12:26,921 --> 00:12:29,472
Lance Armstrong's gay
Halloween party?
315
00:12:30,975 --> 00:12:32,875
Very funny.
316
00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:34,010
Wait.
317
00:12:34,012 --> 00:12:36,145
Is that a thing?
Did you get invited?
318
00:12:36,147 --> 00:12:38,298
No. Where were you?
319
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:40,683
Oh, I was at spin class
with Lyndsey's boyfriend.
320
00:12:42,786 --> 00:12:46,472
Should I ask why or just wait
to see it on 48 Hours?
321
00:12:46,474 --> 00:12:50,643
I simply wanted to find out
what he's got that I don't.
322
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:55,365
Other than... mental health,
pride and his own underwear?
323
00:12:55,367 --> 00:12:57,834
That's just it.
He does have it all.
324
00:12:57,836 --> 00:13:00,086
I can totally see
why Lyndsey loves him.
325
00:13:00,088 --> 00:13:01,421
He's-he's kind, he's generous,
326
00:13:01,423 --> 00:13:03,923
he's got a smile
that lights up a juice bar.
327
00:13:03,925 --> 00:13:06,876
And-and the kicker is,
he likes me.
328
00:13:08,545 --> 00:13:10,513
And did his smile light up
329
00:13:10,515 --> 00:13:13,433
when you told him
you were plowing his girlfriend?
330
00:13:13,435 --> 00:13:16,969
No. Alan is plowing
his girlfriend.
331
00:13:16,971 --> 00:13:19,605
Larry's friend, Jeff,
will be joining him
332
00:13:19,607 --> 00:13:22,442
in his luxury box at
the Laker game tomorrow night.
333
00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:26,345
I-I just have to cancel
my plans with Lyndsey.
334
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:28,314
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
335
00:13:28,316 --> 00:13:31,034
You're telling me you would
rather spend the evening
336
00:13:31,036 --> 00:13:33,403
in Larry's box?
337
00:13:35,322 --> 00:13:37,740
Hey.
Hey. How'd the acting class go?
338
00:13:37,742 --> 00:13:38,908
It was great.
339
00:13:38,910 --> 00:13:40,126
We did this improv exercise
340
00:13:40,128 --> 00:13:42,045
where I had to pretend
to be high.
341
00:13:42,047 --> 00:13:44,213
I nailed it.
342
00:13:44,215 --> 00:13:46,132
Oh, uh, you know,
in college, uh,
343
00:13:46,134 --> 00:13:47,633
I-I did a little
musical theatre.
344
00:13:47,635 --> 00:13:49,052
And the winner
345
00:13:49,054 --> 00:13:52,138
for the least surprising
sentence ever goes to...
346
00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:54,006
Alan Harper!
347
00:13:54,008 --> 00:13:55,975
Scoff if you will, but, uh,
348
00:13:55,977 --> 00:13:57,560
I actually starred in
our production of Cats.
349
00:13:57,562 --> 00:14:01,013
And the new winner for least
surprising sentence ever...
350
00:14:01,015 --> 00:14:03,883
Okay, I will have you know
that the campus newspaper said
351
00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:05,551
that my portrayal
of Rum Tum Tugger
352
00:14:05,553 --> 00:14:07,737
was purrfect.
353
00:14:07,739 --> 00:14:10,356
I've never seen Cats.
354
00:14:10,358 --> 00:14:11,491
You've never seen...?
355
00:14:11,493 --> 00:14:16,112
♪ The Rum Tum Tugger
is a curious cat. ♪
356
00:14:17,364 --> 00:14:19,332
Well, if you're coming
out of the closet,
357
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:21,567
come out dancing.
358
00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:23,286
♪ Men. ♪
359
00:14:23,288 --> 00:14:27,206
Boy, this really makes you
feel like a man, doesn't it?
360
00:14:27,208 --> 00:14:31,627
Basketball, cheerleaders,
a crisp Pinot Noir.
361
00:14:31,629 --> 00:14:33,596
There's beer in the fridge, too.
362
00:14:33,598 --> 00:14:35,965
What? And undo all
that spinning? Oh, no.
363
00:14:35,967 --> 00:14:38,384
A second on the lips,
a month on the hips.
364
00:14:39,604 --> 00:14:41,921
Did you ever do this
gay character in your stand-up?
365
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:45,942
Yeah. It was a real
crowd-pleaser.
366
00:14:45,944 --> 00:14:48,778
I, uh... I also do a-a
character who's really cheap.
367
00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:51,764
"Hey, is everything here
free? Even those shrimp""
368
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:53,098
Nice.
369
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:55,618
If I kept going,
I'd say, "Hey, uh,
370
00:14:55,620 --> 00:14:57,787
can I get a to-go container?"
371
00:14:57,789 --> 00:14:59,822
Help yourself, you cheap queer.
372
00:15:04,044 --> 00:15:06,546
Hey, uh, can I get
a to-go container?
373
00:15:17,559 --> 00:15:21,177
Hope we don't end up
on the Kiss Cam.
374
00:15:23,296 --> 00:15:26,098
I've been told
my kisses are like French fries.
375
00:15:26,100 --> 00:15:27,633
Can't stop with just one.
376
00:15:32,656 --> 00:15:34,991
Lyndsey, what
a surprise!
377
00:15:35,826 --> 00:15:37,810
Lyndsey?
378
00:15:37,812 --> 00:15:39,278
Hey, sweetie.
My plans fell through.
379
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:40,830
Well, now you
can meet Jeff.
380
00:15:40,832 --> 00:15:43,148
Jeff, this is my
girlfriend Lyndsey.
381
00:15:44,768 --> 00:15:47,152
He's always joking
around. Get over here!
382
00:15:51,425 --> 00:15:53,125
Hi.
383
00:15:53,127 --> 00:15:55,711
Hi. So, this is the guy
384
00:15:55,713 --> 00:15:57,496
you were telling me about?
385
00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:59,799
Yes, uh, uh, Lyndsey, was it?
386
00:15:59,801 --> 00:16:01,684
Uh-huh.
387
00:16:02,853 --> 00:16:04,887
I'm sorry.
I didn't catch your name.
388
00:16:04,889 --> 00:16:07,773
This is Jeff.
Jeff Strongman.
389
00:16:12,029 --> 00:16:15,531
Strongman?
That's uniqu aname.
390
00:16:15,533 --> 00:16:17,283
Uh, it's-it's German.
391
00:16:17,285 --> 00:16:19,735
Uh, it's actually pronounced
Strungmin.
392
00:16:20,955 --> 00:16:24,189
Strungmin?
Mmm.
393
00:16:24,191 --> 00:16:26,525
It almost sounds
made up, doesn't it?
394
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,295
Yeah, well, it's not,
so shut up.
395
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:34,217
Sweetie, it-it's cold in here.
396
00:16:34,219 --> 00:16:37,036
I think I left a jacket
in the car. Would you mind?
397
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,871
Of course.
398
00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:41,724
Hey, I can trust you alone
with my girlfriend, right?
399
00:16:41,726 --> 00:16:46,262
If you can't, then my name's not
Jeff Strungmin.
400
00:16:51,402 --> 00:16:52,902
What the hell is
going on, Jeff?
401
00:16:52,904 --> 00:16:54,987
Are you trying to
break me and Larry up?
402
00:16:54,989 --> 00:16:57,356
No, I would never
do that to Larry.
403
00:16:57,358 --> 00:16:59,892
Then what are
you doing here?
404
00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,445
I just... I wanted to figure out
what Larry has that I don't
405
00:17:02,447 --> 00:17:03,863
so that I could be
more like him,
406
00:17:03,865 --> 00:17:05,081
and then you'd come
back to me.
407
00:17:05,083 --> 00:17:07,116
Look, I already
have a Larry.
408
00:17:07,118 --> 00:17:10,036
If you turned into Larry,
I'd have to find another Alan.
409
00:17:10,038 --> 00:17:11,904
Really?
Yes, you idiot!
410
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:13,172
Don't you get it?
411
00:17:13,174 --> 00:17:15,758
No man has ever turned
me on like you do.
412
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:19,095
It's a gift and a curse.
413
00:17:19,097 --> 00:17:21,297
Shut up.
414
00:17:21,299 --> 00:17:23,633
I'll stop talking,
but I won't stop...
415
00:17:23,635 --> 00:17:25,701
No, stop it.
416
00:17:26,854 --> 00:17:28,204
I'm still mad at you!
417
00:17:28,206 --> 00:17:29,372
Well, I don't blame you.
418
00:17:29,374 --> 00:17:30,589
I have been very naughty.
419
00:17:30,591 --> 00:17:32,642
Perhaps I should be punished.
420
00:17:32,644 --> 00:17:34,226
Let's go.
421
00:17:34,228 --> 00:17:35,278
What...? Wait. Where?
422
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:36,729
We'll do it in
the bathroom.
423
00:17:36,731 --> 00:17:37,897
Seriously?
Oh, yeah.
424
00:17:37,899 --> 00:17:39,899
Beats the hell
out of the Kiss Cam.
425
00:17:42,653 --> 00:17:44,787
♪ Men. ♪
426
00:17:44,789 --> 00:17:46,322
Hey.
427
00:17:46,324 --> 00:17:47,490
Hey.
428
00:17:47,492 --> 00:17:48,958
How did the acting class go?
429
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,293
I didn't go.
430
00:17:50,295 --> 00:17:51,744
Liar!
431
00:17:51,746 --> 00:17:55,331
I talked to my friend,
and he said you didn't go,
432
00:17:55,333 --> 00:17:57,550
so admit it!
433
00:17:58,385 --> 00:18:00,586
I just did.
434
00:18:00,588 --> 00:18:02,054
I know!
435
00:18:02,056 --> 00:18:05,141
And I wasn't prepared for that.
436
00:18:05,143 --> 00:18:08,311
I went to the first class,
but it was lame.
437
00:18:08,313 --> 00:18:11,296
It doesn't meant that you're not
gonna learn something from it.
438
00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:14,466
Do you think that I just said,
"Oh, I have a software idea
439
00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:17,153
and I'm gonna sell it for
a billion dollars the next day"?
440
00:18:17,155 --> 00:18:20,323
I Googled you.
That is what happened.
441
00:18:20,325 --> 00:18:22,641
The point is, is that,
if-if that hadn't happened,
442
00:18:22,643 --> 00:18:24,977
I would have been willing
to work for it.
443
00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:26,445
Look, I-I get it,
444
00:18:26,447 --> 00:18:29,248
but all this touchy-feely stuff
just freaks me out.
445
00:18:29,250 --> 00:18:31,617
Half the reason
I got into acting
446
00:18:31,619 --> 00:18:33,619
was so I could pretend
to be someone else,
447
00:18:33,621 --> 00:18:35,588
not so I could spend time
thinking about
448
00:18:35,590 --> 00:18:37,757
how I don't
get along with my mom.
449
00:18:38,608 --> 00:18:40,259
And how I never knew my father.
450
00:18:40,261 --> 00:18:41,761
How I'm 25 years old
451
00:18:41,763 --> 00:18:45,348
and living in the guest room
of a stranger's house.
452
00:18:46,968 --> 00:18:48,968
I'm sorry.
453
00:18:48,970 --> 00:18:52,004
I didn't mean
to stir all this up. I just...
454
00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:55,358
And that's why
I don't need acting lessons.
455
00:18:58,445 --> 00:19:00,196
You know what?
456
00:19:00,981 --> 00:19:02,148
If you don't want
457
00:19:02,150 --> 00:19:05,735
to help yourself,
I can't force you.
458
00:19:06,570 --> 00:19:08,654
But the choices
that you make today
459
00:19:08,656 --> 00:19:11,690
are going to affect you
for the rest of your life.
460
00:19:11,692 --> 00:19:14,193
And as long as you live
under my roof...
461
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:15,878
Oh, God, kill me.
462
00:19:17,013 --> 00:19:18,998
♪ Men. ♪
463
00:19:20,301 --> 00:19:22,785
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
464
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,303
The only thing
I can feel in your pants
465
00:19:24,305 --> 00:19:25,421
is the shrimp that you stole.
466
00:19:25,423 --> 00:19:27,473
I'm sorry. I'm-I'm
just nervous.
467
00:19:27,475 --> 00:19:29,258
Can you do this or not?
468
00:19:29,260 --> 00:19:30,526
I don't think so.
469
00:19:30,528 --> 00:19:32,311
I mean, what would Larry say?
470
00:19:32,313 --> 00:19:34,980
Come on, Jeff. Don't quit.
471
00:19:36,016 --> 00:19:37,850
What?
472
00:19:37,852 --> 00:19:39,218
I didn't say anything.
473
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,986
You can do it.
474
00:19:40,988 --> 00:19:42,554
Yes, you can.
475
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:45,224
You know what?
Maybe I can do this.
476
00:19:45,226 --> 00:19:46,242
Really?
477
00:19:46,244 --> 00:19:47,660
Attaboy.
478
00:19:47,662 --> 00:19:49,328
Don't go soft on me.
479
00:19:49,330 --> 00:19:51,363
Go, Jeff, go.
480
00:19:51,365 --> 00:19:53,082
Oh, Alan.
481
00:19:53,084 --> 00:19:54,200
Call me Jeff.
482
00:19:54,202 --> 00:20:01,240
♪ Men. ♪
483
00:20:03,050 --> 00:20:05,351
[♪ Men. ♪
484
00:20:07,104 --> 00:20:09,372
Guess who got an audition.
485
00:20:09,374 --> 00:20:10,356
Really?
486
00:20:10,358 --> 00:20:11,641
Yep.
487
00:20:11,643 --> 00:20:13,643
That's amazing.
Tell me about it.
488
00:20:13,645 --> 00:20:16,479
Well, I went back
to the acting class.
489
00:20:17,765 --> 00:20:19,365
Isn't that funny?
490
00:20:20,267 --> 00:20:22,285
The thing I suggested you do
491
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:24,254
that you didn't want to do
492
00:20:24,256 --> 00:20:27,340
turned out to be the exact thing
that you should have done.
493
00:20:27,342 --> 00:20:30,543
Yeah, well, after about an hour
of that acting crap,
494
00:20:30,545 --> 00:20:31,961
I had to go get a drink.
495
00:20:31,963 --> 00:20:34,113
So, I bailed
and went to a bar
496
00:20:34,115 --> 00:20:35,582
where I met a casting director.
497
00:20:35,584 --> 00:20:38,784
Turned out she was a lesbian,
so I had a leg up.
498
00:20:40,020 --> 00:20:42,255
And when I put it down,
I had an audition.
499
00:20:43,807 --> 00:20:46,009
♪ Men. ♪
500
00:20:46,011 --> 00:20:48,511
Oh.
501
00:20:50,598 --> 00:20:52,798
You have got to stop doing that.
502
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:56,169
And you have to stop looking
so pretty when you sleep.
503
00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:58,238
Okay, I heard it that
time. It was creepy.
504
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,823
You know what? I don't have
to go anywhere today.
505
00:21:00,825 --> 00:21:01,870
Really?
Yeah.
506
00:21:01,895 --> 00:21:03,895
Larry's got a friend
picking him up at the airport.
507
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,004
Oh, shoot!
Shoot! Shoot!
508
00:21:07,006 --> 00:21:12,006
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net