1
00:00:03,609 --> 00:00:04,642
Morning.
2
00:00:04,644 --> 00:00:05,576
Morning.
3
00:00:05,578 --> 00:00:08,179
Ooh, Cap'n Crunch.
4
00:00:08,181 --> 00:00:10,781
That's the only man
I put in my mouth.
5
00:00:10,783 --> 00:00:14,018
It puts my relationship
with Orville Redenbacher
6
00:00:14,020 --> 00:00:15,853
in a whole different light.
7
00:00:17,723 --> 00:00:20,241
I'm partial to the U.P.S. guy.
8
00:00:20,243 --> 00:00:22,944
We're making food jokes here.
9
00:00:22,946 --> 00:00:24,812
The U.P.S. guy's not food.
10
00:00:24,814 --> 00:00:27,198
He is if you cover him
with whipped cream.
11
00:00:29,101 --> 00:00:30,418
What can I say?
12
00:00:30,420 --> 00:00:33,788
There's just something
about a man in brown shorts.
13
00:00:33,790 --> 00:00:35,155
Okay, I'm in big trouble.
14
00:00:35,157 --> 00:00:37,875
Speaking of a man
with brown shorts.
15
00:00:39,044 --> 00:00:40,177
What's wrong?
16
00:00:40,179 --> 00:00:41,212
Well, I just got a call
17
00:00:41,214 --> 00:00:42,179
from Lyndsey's boyfriend Larry.
18
00:00:42,181 --> 00:00:43,163
And he wants to see me.
19
00:00:43,165 --> 00:00:44,799
Well, he wants
to see Jeff Strongman.
20
00:00:44,801 --> 00:00:46,550
Who's Jeff Strongman?
21
00:00:46,552 --> 00:00:48,335
Oh, Jeff Strongman
22
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is Alan's alter ego he uses
23
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to meet Larry and fight crime.
24
00:00:55,010 --> 00:00:58,012
Wait, so, you use a fake name
to sneak around with other men?
25
00:00:59,848 --> 00:01:02,450
Where do you guys meet?
A Lady Gaga concert?
26
00:01:02,452 --> 00:01:06,120
It was a spin class
if you must know.
27
00:01:06,122 --> 00:01:07,538
Now, what am I gonna do?
28
00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:09,407
I told you something
like this was gonna happen.
29
00:01:09,409 --> 00:01:12,293
"I told you something like this
was gonna happen."
30
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Look, I am serious-- he wouldn't
tell me why he wanted to see me
31
00:01:14,914 --> 00:01:16,047
and he sounded pretty upset.
32
00:01:16,049 --> 00:01:17,832
Well, what kind of world
are we living in
33
00:01:17,834 --> 00:01:20,034
where a guy is upset
with another guy
34
00:01:20,036 --> 00:01:22,369
for banging his girlfriend?
35
00:01:23,305 --> 00:01:24,839
See, that's why
I love being gay.
36
00:01:24,841 --> 00:01:27,258
A guy finds out
I'm doing his girlfriend,
37
00:01:27,260 --> 00:01:28,726
I don't get an angry phone call.
38
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I get a dozen roses
and a copy of the video.
39
00:01:33,965 --> 00:01:36,600
Too bad I can't convince
Larry I'm gay.
40
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Come on, Zippy, you're making it
too easy for us.
41
00:01:44,993 --> 00:01:47,895
Oh, hey!
42
00:01:47,897 --> 00:01:48,896
There he is.
43
00:01:48,898 --> 00:01:51,065
My main man with a winter tan.
44
00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:52,950
Jeff.
45
00:01:52,952 --> 00:01:55,169
Uh, I got you a coffee.
Can I get you anything else?
46
00:01:55,171 --> 00:01:56,754
Uh, one-one of these muffins?
They're bran.
47
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Keeps your trains
running on time.
48
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Poop-poop!
49
00:01:59,842 --> 00:02:01,392
I'm not hungry.
50
00:02:01,394 --> 00:02:03,544
All right then, I'll just
sit across from you.
51
00:02:03,546 --> 00:02:05,379
Right here...
52
00:02:05,381 --> 00:02:07,631
in front
of all these witnesses.
53
00:02:07,633 --> 00:02:09,350
You know my girlfriend Lyndsey?
54
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Is it Lyndsey?
55
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I thought it was Linda.
56
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Glad you cleared that up
before I saw her again...
57
00:02:13,606 --> 00:02:15,806
which I haven't,
and why would I?
58
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She's been cheating on me.
59
00:02:20,029 --> 00:02:21,695
Mmm, sorry.
60
00:02:21,697 --> 00:02:23,764
Just a little...
61
00:02:23,766 --> 00:02:25,783
Why do you think
she's cheating on you?
62
00:02:25,785 --> 00:02:27,535
I hired a private investigator
to follow her.
63
00:02:30,039 --> 00:02:32,907
Uh, do you mind?
64
00:02:32,909 --> 00:02:34,959
She's been meeting him
at a house in Malibu.
65
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Sorry, sorry,
I'm just a little shocked.
66
00:02:39,749 --> 00:02:41,281
Imagine how I feel.
67
00:02:41,283 --> 00:02:43,384
Well, I-I can't,
uh, uh, but I do know
68
00:02:43,386 --> 00:02:46,286
that in situations like this,
it's the woman who's to blame.
69
00:02:46,288 --> 00:02:48,839
She's not the only one.
70
00:02:48,841 --> 00:02:51,142
Please, I have a son!
71
00:02:51,144 --> 00:02:53,127
This is the guy.
72
00:02:54,429 --> 00:02:56,347
Wait, this is the guy?
73
00:02:56,349 --> 00:02:58,298
Yeah.
74
00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:00,184
This is guy you think
banging your girlfriend?
75
00:03:00,186 --> 00:03:01,185
I know he is.
76
00:03:01,187 --> 00:03:02,469
And only him?
77
00:03:02,471 --> 00:03:03,521
Nobody else?
78
00:03:03,523 --> 00:03:04,822
Isn't this bad enough?
79
00:03:04,824 --> 00:03:08,025
Well, sure.
80
00:03:08,027 --> 00:03:10,945
But, you know, there could
also be another explanation.
81
00:03:10,947 --> 00:03:12,613
I mean, maybe she's just lost
82
00:03:12,615 --> 00:03:14,198
and she's asking
this guy for directions.
83
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,535
Right, "Excuse me, sir,
can you help me find my G-spot?"
84
00:03:18,420 --> 00:03:20,320
It's not just this photo.
85
00:03:20,322 --> 00:03:22,039
It's the late night errands.
86
00:03:22,041 --> 00:03:23,340
Hiding her phone.
87
00:03:23,342 --> 00:03:24,959
Plus, we haven't had sex
in forever!
88
00:03:24,961 --> 00:03:26,660
Wow, that's rough.
89
00:03:26,662 --> 00:03:29,329
I guess this guy, whoever he is,
90
00:03:29,331 --> 00:03:32,850
satisfies her every need.
91
00:03:32,852 --> 00:03:34,101
I want to kill him.
92
00:03:34,103 --> 00:03:36,003
I hate being
lied to like this.
93
00:03:36,005 --> 00:03:37,337
I get it, you know.
94
00:03:37,339 --> 00:03:40,274
Sometimes you think you know
a person, but you don't.
95
00:03:40,276 --> 00:03:42,276
Panini for Strongman.
96
00:03:45,147 --> 00:03:46,397
Jeff, that's you.
97
00:03:46,399 --> 00:03:47,565
What?
98
00:03:47,567 --> 00:03:49,266
Oh, oh, yeah, that's me.
99
00:03:50,735 --> 00:03:52,503
Jeff Strongman.
100
00:03:52,505 --> 00:03:55,122
Someone who's not banging
anyone's girlfriend.
101
00:03:55,124 --> 00:03:57,958
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
102
00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:01,011
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
103
00:04:01,036 --> 00:04:05,036
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x08 ♪
Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
Original Air Date on November 21, 2013
104
00:04:05,061 --> 00:04:10,061
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
105
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Oh, no, there's a stranger
in my house.
106
00:04:21,343 --> 00:04:24,578
And it's possibly
a gay porn star from the '70s.
107
00:04:24,580 --> 00:04:27,047
It's me, Alan.
108
00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:28,665
I-I believe you're
supposed to say,
109
00:04:28,667 --> 00:04:30,834
"It's-a me, a-Mario!"
110
00:04:33,588 --> 00:04:36,823
So, I take it things
didn't go great with Larry?
111
00:04:36,825 --> 00:04:38,842
Well, he does know
that Lyndsey's cheating on him,
112
00:04:38,844 --> 00:04:40,961
but the good news is he doesn't
know that it's with me.
113
00:04:40,963 --> 00:04:42,813
So, why do you look
114
00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:45,716
like one of the Village People
in street clothes?
115
00:04:45,718 --> 00:04:47,801
Ah, well, uh, he hired
a, uh, a private detective,
116
00:04:47,803 --> 00:04:50,103
uh, to watch
the house because, uh,
117
00:04:50,105 --> 00:04:51,855
and here's where it gets
really funny,
118
00:04:51,857 --> 00:04:53,257
um, uh,
119
00:04:53,259 --> 00:04:56,660
he thinks that Lyndsey is
cheating on him with...
120
00:04:56,662 --> 00:04:58,145
No.
121
00:04:59,146 --> 00:05:01,531
No, no, no.
122
00:05:01,533 --> 00:05:03,784
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
123
00:05:03,786 --> 00:05:05,919
It's crazy, right?
124
00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:08,922
Why didn't you
tell him the truth?
125
00:05:08,924 --> 00:05:11,875
Fear, cowardice.
126
00:05:11,877 --> 00:05:13,293
Lack of a dental plan.
127
00:05:13,295 --> 00:05:16,546
Uh, besides, he-he
just lost Lyndsey,
128
00:05:16,548 --> 00:05:17,931
I didn't want him to
lose his best friend.
129
00:05:17,933 --> 00:05:19,499
Okay, well, you're gonna lose
your best friend
130
00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:20,767
if you don't fix this!
131
00:05:20,769 --> 00:05:22,719
Oh, I'm your best friend?
132
00:05:22,721 --> 00:05:24,054
Alan, I am serious.
133
00:05:24,056 --> 00:05:26,390
I do not want a private
detective watching this house.
134
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:28,358
And I...
and I definitely don't want
135
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,444
an angry boyfriend after me.
136
00:05:30,446 --> 00:05:31,445
Well, you should've
thought of that
137
00:05:31,447 --> 00:05:34,031
before you slept with Lyndsey.
138
00:05:34,033 --> 00:05:36,199
I've got some work to do.
139
00:05:36,201 --> 00:05:37,985
And I'm gonna go out
and run some errands.
140
00:05:37,987 --> 00:05:40,520
And when I get back,
this better be cleaned up.
141
00:05:40,522 --> 00:05:41,905
Oh, oh, don't worry, I'm on it.
142
00:05:41,907 --> 00:05:43,774
Oh, oh, but just in case.
143
00:05:47,879 --> 00:05:49,296
Oh, God!
144
00:05:49,298 --> 00:05:51,715
Is there any look
you can't pull off?
145
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:54,468
I'm-a gonna kill you.
146
00:05:58,539 --> 00:05:59,806
Hey!
147
00:05:59,808 --> 00:06:00,724
Hi-ya!
148
00:06:00,726 --> 00:06:02,092
Oh!
149
00:06:03,127 --> 00:06:04,561
What the hell?
150
00:06:04,563 --> 00:06:06,863
Alan, what are you doing?
151
00:06:06,865 --> 00:06:10,484
At the moment,
looking for my left ball.
152
00:06:10,486 --> 00:06:12,319
Larry just dropped me off.
153
00:06:12,321 --> 00:06:13,820
He could've seen you.
154
00:06:13,822 --> 00:06:15,038
That's why I'm here.
Larry thinks you're
155
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,656
having an affair with Walden.
156
00:06:16,658 --> 00:06:18,492
What? Why would he think that?
157
00:06:18,494 --> 00:06:19,609
Well, because he he hired a P.I.
158
00:06:19,611 --> 00:06:21,611
who t a picture of the two
of you together.
159
00:06:21,613 --> 00:06:24,831
And by the way, it looked
like it was a cold day.
160
00:06:24,833 --> 00:06:26,450
You're an idiot.
161
00:06:26,452 --> 00:06:27,417
I know.
162
00:06:27,419 --> 00:06:28,752
So, what-what are we gonna do?
163
00:06:28,754 --> 00:06:31,988
Okay, look, I've done this
plenty of times before.
164
00:06:31,990 --> 00:06:34,491
The first thing you do
is deny everything.
165
00:06:34,493 --> 00:06:35,592
Right, denial. Wait.
166
00:06:35,594 --> 00:06:36,960
You've done this
plenty of times before?
167
00:06:37,628 --> 00:06:38,628
Did you ever cheat on me?
168
00:06:38,630 --> 00:06:40,630
Never.
169
00:06:40,632 --> 00:06:42,248
Okay, good.
170
00:06:42,250 --> 00:06:43,517
Oh!
171
00:06:43,519 --> 00:06:45,268
Oh, it's Larry.
172
00:06:45,270 --> 00:06:46,103
What does he want?
173
00:06:46,105 --> 00:06:47,187
Uh, well, let's see.
174
00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:48,972
Uh, "Just dropped off
the cheating whor...
175
00:06:48,974 --> 00:06:50,390
Lyndsey."
176
00:06:51,642 --> 00:06:52,476
"Want to grab a drink?"
177
00:06:52,478 --> 00:06:53,527
Okay, you go play
178
00:06:53,529 --> 00:06:55,228
the sympathetic friend,
calm him down.
179
00:06:55,230 --> 00:06:56,446
I'll figure sothing out.
180
00:06:56,448 --> 00:06:57,864
Sounds good, uh...
181
00:06:57,866 --> 00:06:59,432
"No problem, bro."
182
00:06:59,434 --> 00:07:00,567
Uh...
183
00:07:00,569 --> 00:07:03,103
Cocktail glass emoji.
184
00:07:03,105 --> 00:07:05,572
Stall him as long as you can.
185
00:07:05,574 --> 00:07:06,540
Right.
186
00:07:06,542 --> 00:07:07,574
I'm sorry I kicked you
187
00:07:07,576 --> 00:07:09,242
in the balls--
is there anything I can do?
188
00:07:09,244 --> 00:07:11,945
You could kiss it
and make it better.
189
00:07:11,947 --> 00:07:13,146
Good-bye, Alan.
190
00:07:13,148 --> 00:07:14,831
Oh, come on!
191
00:07:14,833 --> 00:07:17,084
It's not like I
could do it myself.
192
00:07:18,636 --> 00:07:22,506
God knows I've tried.
193
00:07:25,427 --> 00:07:27,594
Get in the car!
Rose?
194
00:07:27,596 --> 00:07:28,678
What are you doing?
195
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:30,130
Someone's following you.
196
00:07:30,132 --> 00:07:32,215
Yeah, you!
197
00:07:32,217 --> 00:07:35,301
There's no time for this,
you're in danger.
198
00:07:35,303 --> 00:07:37,337
Yeah, from you!
199
00:07:37,339 --> 00:07:38,772
Just get in.
200
00:07:38,774 --> 00:07:39,990
Why would I get in your car?
201
00:07:39,992 --> 00:07:41,024
I mean, the last time
202
00:07:41,026 --> 00:07:42,742
I tried to trust you...
203
00:07:42,744 --> 00:07:44,194
What? What are you looking at?
204
00:07:44,196 --> 00:07:46,980
You got a little spot
on your shirt.
205
00:07:46,982 --> 00:07:48,448
Oh.
206
00:07:49,451 --> 00:07:51,701
Drive! Drive! Drive!
207
00:07:51,703 --> 00:07:54,671
Drive! Drive!
208
00:07:54,673 --> 00:07:56,506
I found out more
about this guy.
209
00:07:56,508 --> 00:07:58,825
His name is
Walden Schmidt.
210
00:07:58,827 --> 00:08:00,660
More like lying sack of Schmidt.
211
00:08:00,662 --> 00:08:03,180
Am I right?
212
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:06,299
Turns out he's some kind
of stupid Internet billionaire.
213
00:08:06,301 --> 00:08:07,467
Don't you hate
when guys don't work
214
00:08:07,469 --> 00:08:08,602
for a living like you and me?
215
00:08:08,604 --> 00:08:11,354
Amen, Jeff Strongman.
216
00:08:11,356 --> 00:08:12,839
Hey, come on, you know,
217
00:08:12,841 --> 00:08:14,057
this isn't the worst thing
in the world.
218
00:08:14,059 --> 00:08:15,341
You're gonna bounce back.
219
00:08:15,343 --> 00:08:17,277
I guess, I mean,
I should've seen it coming.
220
00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:19,813
I mean, she cheated
on her last boyfriend with me.
221
00:08:19,815 --> 00:08:22,399
Her-her last boyfriend?
222
00:08:22,401 --> 00:08:24,517
Yeah, I guess the guy
was a real loser.
223
00:08:24,519 --> 00:08:26,953
A pathetic freeloader.
224
00:08:26,955 --> 00:08:29,656
Well, that's just conjecture.
225
00:08:29,658 --> 00:08:32,075
I mean, you know, maybe
he's a-a really great guy
226
00:08:32,077 --> 00:08:35,495
and she's just
a crazy lying bitch.
227
00:08:35,497 --> 00:08:36,580
I'm not gonna take it lying down
228
00:08:36,582 --> 00:08:38,331
like the pansy
she was dating before me.
229
00:08:38,333 --> 00:08:41,868
Is "pansy" your word or hers?
230
00:08:41,870 --> 00:08:42,686
Hers.
231
00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:43,670
I'm going to the head.
232
00:08:43,672 --> 00:08:44,754
You get the check
233
00:08:44,756 --> 00:08:46,473
and we'll go pay
this bastard a visit.
234
00:08:46,475 --> 00:08:48,008
Take your time.
235
00:08:48,010 --> 00:08:49,209
No rush.
236
00:08:52,396 --> 00:08:55,215
Oh, come on, Lyndsey,
pick up, pick up, pick up!
237
00:08:55,217 --> 00:08:58,235
Of course, voice mail.
238
00:08:58,237 --> 00:09:00,487
Lyndsey, things have gone
from bad to worse.
239
00:09:00,489 --> 00:09:02,689
Larry is gonna confront Walden,
and I don't know what to do.
240
00:09:02,691 --> 00:09:03,857
Call me back.
241
00:09:03,859 --> 00:09:05,058
Oh, and PS-- you and I have
242
00:09:05,060 --> 00:09:07,327
a little issue
to discuss ourselves.
243
00:09:07,329 --> 00:09:10,230
Oh, and PPS--
the "P" stands for "pansy."
244
00:09:10,232 --> 00:09:12,065
Mm-hmm.
245
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:13,833
Whew.
246
00:09:13,835 --> 00:09:15,335
Looks like we lost him.
247
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:17,837
What the hell is going on?
248
00:09:17,839 --> 00:09:21,074
Well, I'm pretty sure
Larry hired a hit man.
249
00:09:21,076 --> 00:09:22,626
How do you know about Larry?
250
00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:24,211
Because he's stalking you.
251
00:09:24,213 --> 00:09:25,879
How do you know that?
252
00:09:25,881 --> 00:09:28,181
Because I'm stalking you.
253
00:09:28,183 --> 00:09:29,883
Okay, okay, you know,
this is ridiculous.
254
00:09:29,885 --> 00:09:31,101
I'm calling the police.
255
00:09:31,103 --> 00:09:33,053
And tell them what?
256
00:09:33,055 --> 00:09:35,188
We have no proof
of anything.
257
00:09:35,190 --> 00:09:36,723
And besides, how helpful
were the police
258
00:09:36,725 --> 00:09:37,974
when you called them on me?
259
00:09:37,976 --> 00:09:40,593
Uh, I got them to issue
a restraining order.
260
00:09:40,595 --> 00:09:42,729
Hi.
261
00:09:44,265 --> 00:09:45,598
Okay, I...
262
00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:47,234
Uh-oh, he's back.
263
00:09:47,236 --> 00:09:50,487
I don't know how he
keeps finding us.
264
00:09:50,489 --> 00:09:52,155
I'll tell you how.
265
00:09:52,157 --> 00:09:54,074
The GPS on my cell phone.
266
00:09:54,076 --> 00:09:55,492
Give me that.
267
00:09:57,328 --> 00:10:01,131
I was gonna turn it off,
but okay.
268
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:02,282
Hang on.
269
00:10:02,284 --> 00:10:03,466
What? Why?
270
00:10:03,468 --> 00:10:06,586
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
271
00:10:06,588 --> 00:10:08,505
Whoa!
272
00:10:09,725 --> 00:10:10,674
That ought to do it.
273
00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:13,760
Okay, you know...
this is nonsense!
274
00:10:13,762 --> 00:10:15,178
Take me home.
275
00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:17,647
Okay, homeward bound.
276
00:10:17,649 --> 00:10:18,848
And gagged.
277
00:10:18,850 --> 00:10:20,233
And tortured for days.
278
00:10:20,235 --> 00:10:23,469
Okay, well, fine,
then take me to a hotel.
279
00:10:23,471 --> 00:10:25,021
Beverly Hills Hotel okay?
280
00:10:25,023 --> 00:10:25,989
It's perfect.
281
00:10:25,991 --> 00:10:27,524
And bang, you're dead.
282
00:10:27,526 --> 00:10:29,609
You need to get
off the grid.
283
00:10:29,611 --> 00:10:31,161
Someplace they
don't expect you.
284
00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:33,479
A place they can't track
your credit cards.
285
00:10:33,481 --> 00:10:36,116
Nobody is acking
my credit cards.
286
00:10:36,118 --> 00:10:39,452
Oh, that wasn't you last night
getting a coffee colonic?
287
00:10:40,288 --> 00:10:44,124
I will not apologize
for a healthy colon.
288
00:10:48,879 --> 00:10:50,930
Okay, here we go.
289
00:10:50,932 --> 00:10:52,699
This place looks perfect.
290
00:10:52,701 --> 00:10:54,718
This place is a dump.
291
00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,804
Exactly, and it's the last place
anyone would look for you.
292
00:10:57,806 --> 00:10:59,339
Yeah, but it's the first place
293
00:10:59,341 --> 00:11:01,558
that hepatitis
would look for me.
294
00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:03,676
Okay, this is only temporary.
295
00:11:03,678 --> 00:11:06,029
You lay low,
and I will straighten this out.
296
00:11:06,031 --> 00:11:08,198
Why in God's name
would I trust you?
297
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:10,016
Look, Walden, I know
that I've caused you
298
00:11:10,018 --> 00:11:11,985
some tiny problems
in the past, but...
299
00:11:11,987 --> 00:11:13,236
Wha...? Tiny?
300
00:11:13,238 --> 00:11:14,537
You pretended to be pregnant
301
00:11:14,539 --> 00:11:16,039
to scare my girlfriend away.
302
00:11:16,041 --> 00:11:19,993
You sicced rabid ferrets on me!
303
00:11:19,995 --> 00:11:23,196
You tied me to my bed
and tried to violate me
304
00:11:23,198 --> 00:11:25,332
with a leaf blower!
305
00:11:26,334 --> 00:11:29,886
It's so sweet you
remember everything.
306
00:11:29,888 --> 00:11:32,138
But I can make up
for all of that now.
307
00:11:32,140 --> 00:11:35,675
Look, when your sink is clogged,
you call a plumber.
308
00:11:35,677 --> 00:11:38,178
When your car breaks down,
you call a mechanic.
309
00:11:38,180 --> 00:11:40,347
When you have a dangerous
psychopath after you,
310
00:11:40,349 --> 00:11:42,399
you call me.
311
00:11:42,401 --> 00:11:43,767
All right, fine.
312
00:11:43,769 --> 00:11:45,352
I am gonna kill Alan.
313
00:11:45,354 --> 00:11:48,388
Oh, if you survive tonight,
you should hire Larry's guy.
314
00:11:48,390 --> 00:11:49,555
He's good.
315
00:11:49,557 --> 00:11:52,359
♪ Men. ♪
316
00:11:58,982 --> 00:12:01,383
♪ Men. ♪
317
00:12:01,385 --> 00:12:03,569
Here you go.
318
00:12:06,340 --> 00:12:09,108
This is, uh, this is
the best room you got?
319
00:12:09,110 --> 00:12:11,077
It's the presidential suite.
320
00:12:11,079 --> 00:12:13,613
The president of what?
321
00:12:13,615 --> 00:12:15,581
Crap-o-slovakia?
322
00:12:15,583 --> 00:12:17,500
I could offer you
the honeymoon suite.
323
00:12:17,502 --> 00:12:20,786
You know, if you don't mind
the smell of love.
324
00:12:22,072 --> 00:12:24,257
No, no... this is, uh...
325
00:12:24,259 --> 00:12:25,508
this is fine.
326
00:12:25,510 --> 00:12:27,176
Uh...
327
00:12:27,178 --> 00:12:29,762
Do you, uh, do you
have room service?
328
00:12:32,349 --> 00:12:34,550
I might have something
you might want to eat.
329
00:12:36,436 --> 00:12:38,604
I don't think you do.
330
00:12:41,258 --> 00:12:45,144
Listen, uh, if-if anyone
comes here asking about me,
331
00:12:45,146 --> 00:12:46,646
I-I'm not here.
332
00:12:46,648 --> 00:12:47,897
Don't worry.
333
00:12:47,899 --> 00:12:50,099
No one will ever find you.
334
00:12:56,406 --> 00:12:59,325
Hey, uh, if you get
lonely later on,
335
00:12:59,327 --> 00:13:01,294
I'm in the apartment
behind the building.
336
00:13:01,296 --> 00:13:03,546
Yeah, okay.
337
00:13:03,548 --> 00:13:05,948
It's nothing fancy,
but I've got some good weed
338
00:13:05,950 --> 00:13:09,418
and... a spa tub.
339
00:13:09,420 --> 00:13:12,638
I'll, uh, keep that in mind.
340
00:13:12,640 --> 00:13:14,557
There's a live feed
on channel 14
341
00:13:14,559 --> 00:13:16,225
if you want to check it out.
342
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:25,518
Great, now I got
to hide from him, too.
343
00:13:28,772 --> 00:13:32,191
This Walden guy is gonna regret
the day he stole my girlfriend.
344
00:13:32,193 --> 00:13:34,476
Oh, it's-it's not stealing.
It-It's more like borrowing.
345
00:13:34,478 --> 00:13:36,312
Like-like renting a car.
346
00:13:36,314 --> 00:13:37,947
Yeah, but when you rent a car
you know there's been
347
00:13:37,949 --> 00:13:40,482
other guys inside it,
turning the knobs,
348
00:13:40,484 --> 00:13:41,751
playing with the seat,
349
00:13:41,753 --> 00:13:43,452
shoving stuff in the trunk.
350
00:13:43,454 --> 00:13:45,671
Okay, okay, maybe that's
a bad analogy.
351
00:13:45,673 --> 00:13:47,340
But that doesn't change
the fact that going over there
352
00:13:47,342 --> 00:13:49,542
to confront him is not
gonna help anything.
353
00:13:49,544 --> 00:13:50,843
You got a better idea?
354
00:13:50,845 --> 00:13:51,844
Uh, I-I do.
355
00:13:51,846 --> 00:13:53,546
How about you forget
about Lyndsey
356
00:13:53,548 --> 00:13:55,848
and we go out to a bar
and pick up some women.
357
00:13:55,850 --> 00:13:58,000
You know, Larry and Jeff
out on the prowl.
358
00:13:59,670 --> 00:14:01,721
Jeff, I appreciate
what you're trying to do.
359
00:14:01,723 --> 00:14:03,172
But I'm afraid
if I don't do this,
360
00:14:03,174 --> 00:14:05,691
I won't be able
to live with myself.
361
00:14:06,777 --> 00:14:08,361
And I'm afraid if you do this,
362
00:14:08,363 --> 00:14:11,063
I'll have to live by myself.
363
00:14:16,837 --> 00:14:19,538
Oh, no! Channel 14!
364
00:14:27,748 --> 00:14:29,715
Oh, God!
365
00:14:32,035 --> 00:14:34,086
Who is it?
366
00:14:34,088 --> 00:14:36,756
It's Larry, I'm here
to kill you, Walden.
367
00:14:36,758 --> 00:14:39,141
Mr. Walden, he die.
368
00:14:39,143 --> 00:14:41,560
I clean room.
369
00:14:41,562 --> 00:14:43,379
No, silly rabbit, it's just me.
370
00:14:43,381 --> 00:14:45,147
Wha...? Rose?
371
00:14:45,149 --> 00:14:47,549
Is that...?
372
00:14:47,551 --> 00:14:49,101
Are you alone?
373
00:14:49,103 --> 00:14:53,122
Yeah, but a nice man did just
invite me into his spa tub.
374
00:14:54,441 --> 00:14:57,410
Here, I brought some food.
375
00:14:57,412 --> 00:14:58,661
Yeah, I can't eat.
376
00:14:58,663 --> 00:14:59,728
Why not?
377
00:14:59,730 --> 00:15:01,080
Well, because if I do,
378
00:15:01,082 --> 00:15:02,915
eventually
I'll have to go in there.
379
00:15:04,368 --> 00:15:06,619
And I'm not going in there.
380
00:15:06,621 --> 00:15:08,754
Uh, so, did you find
anything out?
381
00:15:08,756 --> 00:15:11,173
Still no sign of Larry.
He could be anywhere.
382
00:15:11,175 --> 00:15:13,209
God, Alan was supposed
to take care of this.
383
00:15:13,211 --> 00:15:15,011
Well, yeah, he also told you
he was only gonna live
384
00:15:15,013 --> 00:15:18,914
at your house a few days, and
here we are at day 800 and...
385
00:15:18,916 --> 00:15:20,749
43.
386
00:15:20,751 --> 00:15:22,685
Oh, I almost forgot.
387
00:15:22,687 --> 00:15:24,553
I t usgoome candy bars.
388
00:15:24,555 --> 00:15:26,772
Mounds for you,
'cause it's your favorite.
389
00:15:26,774 --> 00:15:27,807
Aw.
390
00:15:27,809 --> 00:15:28,858
Almond Joy for me
391
00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:31,360
'cause, you know... nuts.
392
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,981
Hey, why are you being
so nice to me?
393
00:15:35,983 --> 00:15:39,151
You know,
I'll admit that you hurt me.
394
00:15:39,153 --> 00:15:42,604
And I did some things
that I'm not proud of.
395
00:15:43,657 --> 00:15:45,291
But just because
you took a restraining order
396
00:15:45,293 --> 00:15:47,243
out against me...
397
00:15:47,245 --> 00:15:51,163
doesn't mean that I can
restrain my feelings for you.
398
00:15:51,165 --> 00:15:53,215
That is the sweetest,
399
00:15:53,217 --> 00:15:55,718
most terrifying thing
400
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:57,636
I've ever heard.
401
00:15:59,389 --> 00:16:01,724
Are you really
scared of me?
402
00:16:01,726 --> 00:16:05,294
You're not even the scariest
person I've met in this room.
403
00:16:07,681 --> 00:16:10,399
And the truth is,
I'm-I'm not blameless.
404
00:16:10,401 --> 00:16:12,101
I mean, I chose
another girl over you,
405
00:16:12,103 --> 00:16:16,072
and look who's here
with me now?
406
00:16:16,639 --> 00:16:19,492
I never really left you.
407
00:16:21,111 --> 00:16:23,279
Literally.
408
00:16:26,199 --> 00:16:29,201
File this under things
I'm gonna regret.
409
00:16:33,457 --> 00:16:36,658
Damn it, should've
brought my leaf blower.
410
00:16:43,833 --> 00:16:45,601
Oh, uh,
the doorbell doesn't work.
411
00:16:45,603 --> 00:16:47,470
What?
412
00:16:47,472 --> 00:16:49,505
I mean, uh,
that-that does not work
413
00:16:49,507 --> 00:16:52,674
if you want to send a message
that there's a man here.
414
00:16:53,643 --> 00:16:54,977
♪ Ding-dong.
415
00:16:54,979 --> 00:16:56,479
"I'm gonna kick your tushie."
416
00:16:56,481 --> 00:16:58,864
You're right.
Yeah.
417
00:16:58,866 --> 00:17:00,316
Oh.
418
00:17:00,318 --> 00:17:02,351
Okay, now, listen,
now-now, this could get crazy.
419
00:17:02,353 --> 00:17:04,203
I mean, there's gonna be
a lot of name calling--
420
00:17:04,205 --> 00:17:06,355
uh, uh, jerk, uh, idiot,
uh, Alan.
421
00:17:06,357 --> 00:17:07,790
Uh...
422
00:17:08,775 --> 00:17:10,576
Larry?
Lyndsey?
423
00:17:10,578 --> 00:17:13,996
I know exactly what's going on
between you and Walden Schmidt.
424
00:17:13,998 --> 00:17:15,748
Now, where is he?
425
00:17:15,750 --> 00:17:18,501
Wow! This house
is amazing.
426
00:17:21,588 --> 00:17:23,889
Larry, this isn't
what you think.
427
00:17:23,891 --> 00:17:25,374
It's exactly what I think.
428
00:17:25,376 --> 00:17:26,592
I have pictures.
429
00:17:26,594 --> 00:17:28,210
We're standing in his house!
430
00:17:28,212 --> 00:17:30,513
Okay, it-it's time for me
to tell you the truth.
431
00:17:30,515 --> 00:17:33,265
Don't believe her!
She's a cheating, drunk whore!
432
00:17:35,902 --> 00:17:37,319
Larry, listen to me.
433
00:17:37,321 --> 00:17:39,355
I'm not here to sleep
with Walden Schmidt.
434
00:17:39,357 --> 00:17:41,056
I'm here to sleep
with someone else.
435
00:17:41,058 --> 00:17:42,608
What?!
What?!
436
00:17:43,493 --> 00:17:44,610
Remember you told me
437
00:17:44,612 --> 00:17:46,829
your fantasy was
to see me with another woman?
438
00:17:46,831 --> 00:17:49,064
Yeah?
Yeah?
439
00:17:50,066 --> 00:17:52,001
I've arranged for your dream
to come true.
440
00:17:52,003 --> 00:17:53,335
You did?!
You did?!
441
00:17:53,337 --> 00:17:56,088
Yes, that's why I rented
this beautiful beach house
442
00:17:56,090 --> 00:17:58,740
from Walden Schmidt
as a birthday surprise.
443
00:17:58,742 --> 00:18:01,243
I also got us something else.
444
00:18:01,245 --> 00:18:04,296
So, which one is watching us?
445
00:18:04,298 --> 00:18:07,099
If it's him, I'm gonna
have to charge extra.
446
00:18:09,386 --> 00:18:11,053
Wait a minute.
Is this for real?
447
00:18:11,055 --> 00:18:13,088
Happy birthday, baby.
448
00:18:13,090 --> 00:18:15,057
Wow. Wow.
449
00:18:15,059 --> 00:18:16,642
A threesome.
450
00:18:16,644 --> 00:18:18,194
That is quite
a gift.
451
00:18:18,196 --> 00:18:20,196
Well, it was last minute,
452
00:18:20,198 --> 00:18:22,565
and I had to think of something.
453
00:18:22,567 --> 00:18:25,985
A nice cardigan wouldn't
have done the trick?
454
00:18:25,987 --> 00:18:27,236
God, I feel so stupid.
455
00:18:27,238 --> 00:18:28,954
I even hired someone
to follow you.
456
00:18:28,956 --> 00:18:30,706
Well, why don't you
call them off,
457
00:18:30,708 --> 00:18:32,074
and we'll all go sit down
458
00:18:32,076 --> 00:18:34,460
and talk about the things
you want to see?
459
00:18:34,462 --> 00:18:36,879
Bye, Jeff.
460
00:18:36,881 --> 00:18:37,997
Yeah, bye, Jeff.
461
00:18:37,999 --> 00:18:40,216
I'll send you a
copy of the video.
462
00:18:41,384 --> 00:18:42,568
Wait. Thi-Thi...
Wait. This is
463
00:18:42,570 --> 00:18:43,719
really... happening?
464
00:18:43,721 --> 00:18:45,588
I mean, you-you-you
and-and-and her?
465
00:18:45,590 --> 00:18:47,640
And-and... and him?
466
00:18:47,642 --> 00:18:49,758
And-and-and here?
467
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,960
While... while I...?
468
00:18:51,962 --> 00:18:54,296
Son of a bitch!
469
00:18:55,650 --> 00:18:56,865
This is crazy.
470
00:18:56,867 --> 00:18:58,067
You know, I'll...
I'll bet
471
00:18:58,069 --> 00:19:00,019
if Lyndsey had been sleeping
with somebody else,
472
00:19:00,021 --> 00:19:03,405
he'd be really, really mad.
473
00:19:03,407 --> 00:19:05,157
I know.
Isn't this great, Jeff?
474
00:19:05,159 --> 00:19:07,776
She's not a cheating whore.
She's just a whore.
475
00:19:08,945 --> 00:19:10,646
Hi. It's Larry Martin.
476
00:19:10,648 --> 00:19:13,482
Oh, hey.
477
00:19:13,484 --> 00:19:15,751
Listen, I'm not going to be
needing your services anymore,
478
00:19:15,753 --> 00:19:17,086
but I appreciate all your help.
479
00:19:17,088 --> 00:19:18,621
No problem.
480
00:19:18,623 --> 00:19:19,838
It was my pleasure.
481
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,957
Good-bye.
482
00:19:23,093 --> 00:19:25,327
That was Alan.
483
00:19:25,329 --> 00:19:26,462
What did he say?
484
00:19:26,464 --> 00:19:30,766
Well, he, uh, thanked me
for protecting you.
485
00:19:30,768 --> 00:19:32,468
But there's still no sign
of Larry.
486
00:19:32,470 --> 00:19:34,803
And as long as he's out there,
you're not safe.
487
00:19:34,805 --> 00:19:36,672
I'm gonna go get us
some supplies.
488
00:19:36,674 --> 00:19:38,057
No, don't go!
489
00:19:38,059 --> 00:19:39,558
We're having a good time.
490
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,010
You're just a sticky
little honey bun, aren't you?
491
00:19:42,012 --> 00:19:44,346
Now, don't try
to get in touch with anyone,
492
00:19:44,348 --> 00:19:46,198
or Larry will kill you.
493
00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:49,285
Kisses.
494
00:19:53,573 --> 00:19:55,991
I got to go to the bathroom.
495
00:19:58,795 --> 00:20:01,029
Screw it.
I'll just pee the bed.
496
00:20:11,391 --> 00:20:13,158
Rose?
497
00:20:15,463 --> 00:20:16,895
All right, come on, Rose.
498
00:20:16,897 --> 00:20:19,148
This... this...
It's not funny.
499
00:20:23,403 --> 00:20:25,571
Larry?!
500
00:20:26,656 --> 00:20:29,491
Listen, we can... we can...
we can work this out!
501
00:20:29,493 --> 00:20:31,610
It's-it's just
a little misunderstanding.
502
00:20:32,997 --> 00:20:34,613
Oh, God! I...
503
00:20:42,905 --> 00:20:44,840
Well, that was rude.
504
00:20:44,842 --> 00:20:46,959
Looks like I took a shower
for nothing.
505
00:20:46,961 --> 00:20:49,712
♪ Men. ♪
506
00:21:00,046 --> 00:21:03,982
♪ Come out, come out,
wherever you are! ♪
507
00:21:08,021 --> 00:21:09,905
I hate you, Jeff Strongman.
508
00:21:09,907 --> 00:21:14,907
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net