1
00:00:03,365 --> 00:00:06,333
I don't usually meet women
as beautiful as you
2
00:00:06,335 --> 00:00:07,401
at a tech convention.
3
00:00:07,403 --> 00:00:08,619
Aw, that's very sweet.
4
00:00:08,621 --> 00:00:11,689
And you were definitely
the hottest guy there.
5
00:00:11,691 --> 00:00:13,707
Thank you.
Although, to be fair,
6
00:00:13,709 --> 00:00:16,377
being the hottest guy at a tech
convention is kind of like...
7
00:00:16,379 --> 00:00:19,179
well, being the hottest guy
at a tech convention.
8
00:00:19,181 --> 00:00:22,416
Although, once, I saw
Justin Timberlake
9
00:00:22,418 --> 00:00:24,184
at a Microsoft party.
10
00:00:24,186 --> 00:00:26,637
Lady boner!
11
00:00:26,639 --> 00:00:30,607
Yes, he did bring sexy back
to Windows 8.
12
00:00:30,609 --> 00:00:32,559
So, you said
you work for Google?
13
00:00:32,561 --> 00:00:34,695
That's right, in the
modeling department.
14
00:00:34,697 --> 00:00:36,363
Oh, that's awesome.
Like graphic rendering
15
00:00:36,365 --> 00:00:37,364
and 3-D imaging?
16
00:00:37,366 --> 00:00:39,266
More like pointing.
17
00:00:39,268 --> 00:00:41,118
"New from Google,
18
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:44,438
confusing tech crap."
19
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:46,874
Oh, so you're, like,
a model-model?
20
00:00:46,876 --> 00:00:50,444
Yep. You can't spell
Google without "ogle."
21
00:00:50,446 --> 00:00:52,496
Can you?
22
00:00:52,498 --> 00:00:54,748
No, you can't.
23
00:00:54,750 --> 00:00:57,468
But being a model at tech shows
isn't what I really want to do.
24
00:00:57,470 --> 00:00:59,169
I just do it to
pay the bills.
25
00:00:59,171 --> 00:01:01,221
Oh, I get it.
What's your ultimate goal?
26
00:01:01,223 --> 00:01:03,140
I want to help
teach people to read.
27
00:01:03,142 --> 00:01:06,293
Oh, that's noble.
So, you want to be a teacher.
28
00:01:06,295 --> 00:01:08,812
No, I want to be
the next Vanna White.
29
00:01:12,183 --> 00:01:13,901
Oh, you're serious.
30
00:01:13,903 --> 00:01:16,770
Yeah. I mean, she
has an amazing job,
31
00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:19,823
she wears amazing outfits
and she has amazing hair.
32
00:01:19,825 --> 00:01:22,693
Somebody needs to buy
a new, amazing adjective.
33
00:01:22,695 --> 00:01:25,696
You can't buy adjectives.
34
00:01:25,698 --> 00:01:28,082
You can only buy vowels.
35
00:01:28,950 --> 00:01:30,033
Right.
36
00:01:30,035 --> 00:01:31,651
Only vowels.
37
00:01:31,653 --> 00:01:34,254
Well, I owe you
another drink.
38
00:01:34,256 --> 00:01:36,423
"O." "K."
39
00:01:38,293 --> 00:01:42,846
Certainly won't
be any "I" in "U" tonight.
40
00:01:43,865 --> 00:01:46,166
Wow, that girl is gorgeous.
41
00:01:46,168 --> 00:01:47,451
Yeah, she's a model.
42
00:01:47,453 --> 00:01:48,719
We don't really
have a connection.
43
00:01:48,721 --> 00:01:49,853
She's not very bright.
44
00:01:49,855 --> 00:01:51,939
I think she thinks
Silicon Valley is the place
45
00:01:51,941 --> 00:01:53,974
where women go
to get a boob job.
46
00:01:53,976 --> 00:01:56,510
Oh, you want
intellectual stimulation.
47
00:01:56,512 --> 00:01:58,678
Uh, why don't you
watch an episode of Nova
48
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,014
while you're
banging her brains out?
49
00:02:01,016 --> 00:02:03,200
No, I'm gonna go tell her
it's not gonna work out.
50
00:02:03,202 --> 00:02:04,902
Well, if you don't want her,
can I have her?
51
00:02:04,904 --> 00:02:08,739
Oh, sure, let's change shirts.
Maybe she won't notice.
52
00:02:08,741 --> 00:02:09,873
Oh, she's that dumb?
53
00:02:09,875 --> 00:02:10,958
Great.
54
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,743
Walden!
55
00:02:12,745 --> 00:02:15,295
Look, a seagu...
56
00:02:15,297 --> 00:02:16,530
Oh, my God.
57
00:02:16,532 --> 00:02:17,998
Wait.
58
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,250
We didn't switch shirts yet.
59
00:02:21,953 --> 00:02:24,704
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
60
00:02:24,706 --> 00:02:27,221
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
61
00:02:27,224 --> 00:02:31,224
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x09 ♪
Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
Original Air Date on December 5, 2013
62
00:02:31,225 --> 00:02:36,225
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
63
00:02:36,251 --> 00:02:37,634
Hey, what's going on?
64
00:02:37,636 --> 00:02:38,835
I was cleaning out my closet
65
00:02:38,837 --> 00:02:40,804
and I found a box
of Jake's old stuff.
66
00:02:40,806 --> 00:02:43,073
Aw, that's sweet.
67
00:02:43,075 --> 00:02:44,241
Who's Jake?
68
00:02:45,343 --> 00:02:47,361
My son. Y-Your cousin.
69
00:02:47,363 --> 00:02:49,630
Oh, right.
70
00:02:49,632 --> 00:02:51,965
Oh, and how did he die?
71
00:02:53,518 --> 00:02:55,736
Oh, no, h-he's not dead.
He's in the Army.
72
00:02:55,738 --> 00:02:57,070
Huh.
73
00:02:57,072 --> 00:02:58,989
Ah. Nice bong.
74
00:02:58,991 --> 00:03:02,859
Guess he's not
fighting the war on drugs.
75
00:03:02,861 --> 00:03:04,861
No, that-that is
a hummingbird feeder.
76
00:03:04,863 --> 00:03:06,113
He made it in art class.
77
00:03:06,115 --> 00:03:08,749
And in shop class,
I made a train whistle.
78
00:03:08,751 --> 00:03:10,984
Weed, weed!
79
00:03:10,986 --> 00:03:12,336
No, no, seriously.
80
00:03:12,338 --> 00:03:13,870
Uh, one summer,
back in high school,
81
00:03:13,872 --> 00:03:16,506
he and his friends
got into bird watching.
82
00:03:16,508 --> 00:03:19,760
They'd spend all day
out in the woods, and they'd...
83
00:03:19,762 --> 00:03:22,679
they'd come back laughing and...
84
00:03:24,215 --> 00:03:26,767
Oh, God, I'm an idiot.
85
00:03:26,769 --> 00:03:29,502
Don't worry.
All parents are idiots.
86
00:03:29,504 --> 00:03:32,472
My mom used to think I was
locked in the bathroom all day
87
00:03:32,474 --> 00:03:34,107
with an electric toothbrush.
88
00:03:36,145 --> 00:03:38,845
My first wife was always
using her electric tooth...
89
00:03:38,847 --> 00:03:40,781
God, I am an idiot.
90
00:03:41,816 --> 00:03:45,369
Oh, look at this.
One of his old report cards.
91
00:03:45,371 --> 00:03:48,488
Oh, you can still see where
he tried to change his grades.
92
00:03:48,490 --> 00:03:51,291
Yeah, he changed the C's.
93
00:03:51,293 --> 00:03:52,576
To D's.
94
00:03:52,578 --> 00:03:56,296
Yeah. That was the year
his bus got a little shorter.
95
00:03:56,298 --> 00:03:58,031
But, you know,
in his defense,
96
00:03:58,033 --> 00:03:59,816
his teacher changed
that year, too.
97
00:03:59,818 --> 00:04:02,386
She went from C's to D's.
98
00:04:02,388 --> 00:04:03,754
Is this how you're
spending your night?
99
00:04:03,756 --> 00:04:05,973
Oh, no, no. Later,
I'm going to shave my back.
100
00:04:05,975 --> 00:04:07,257
Oh, actually,
if you're not busy...
101
00:04:07,259 --> 00:04:09,343
I am. And so are you.
102
00:04:09,345 --> 00:04:10,844
I'm gonna get a drink.
Where's Walden?
103
00:04:10,846 --> 00:04:13,046
Oh, he had to take his date
to the hospital.
104
00:04:13,048 --> 00:04:16,066
Ooh, what are they pulling out,
and from where?
105
00:04:16,068 --> 00:04:17,517
No, it-it's nothing like that.
106
00:04:17,519 --> 00:04:20,404
She was looking up at the sky
and she fell off the deck.
107
00:04:20,406 --> 00:04:21,721
High?
No.
108
00:04:21,723 --> 00:04:22,906
Drunk?
No.
109
00:04:22,908 --> 00:04:24,274
Model?
Yeah.
110
00:04:26,110 --> 00:04:28,111
♪ Men. ♪
111
00:04:28,113 --> 00:04:29,363
How you feeling?
112
00:04:29,365 --> 00:04:30,447
I'm all right.
113
00:04:30,449 --> 00:04:32,499
Uh, well, we need
to fill out this paperwork.
114
00:04:32,501 --> 00:04:34,901
So, uh, first name, Nadine.
115
00:04:36,170 --> 00:04:39,756
This is awkward.
I don't know your last name.
116
00:04:39,758 --> 00:04:43,743
It's H-O-R-E.
117
00:04:43,745 --> 00:04:47,264
H-O-R-E.
118
00:04:48,082 --> 00:04:49,916
Like "hooray"?
119
00:04:49,918 --> 00:04:52,636
No, like "whore."
120
00:04:53,921 --> 00:04:55,439
You think I
should change it?
121
00:04:55,441 --> 00:04:57,357
No, be proud.
122
00:04:57,359 --> 00:05:01,144
I'm sure you come from
a long line of... Hores.
123
00:05:02,313 --> 00:05:04,097
Uh, any relatives
I can call?
124
00:05:04,099 --> 00:05:05,732
No, they're
all back east.
125
00:05:05,734 --> 00:05:08,618
I'm the only Hore
in Los Angeles.
126
00:05:09,603 --> 00:05:11,371
Agree to disagree.
127
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:14,574
Emergency contacts.
Okay, so no family.
128
00:05:14,576 --> 00:05:17,627
Uh, friends? Roommates?
129
00:05:17,629 --> 00:05:20,130
Anyone you've gone on
more than one date with?
130
00:05:20,132 --> 00:05:21,348
Not really.
131
00:05:21,350 --> 00:05:22,499
I live alone.
132
00:05:22,501 --> 00:05:24,584
I've only been in L.A.
a couple weeks.
133
00:05:24,586 --> 00:05:27,003
The only men in my
life are you and Frank.
134
00:05:27,005 --> 00:05:29,306
Oh, all right.
How do I get a hold of Frank?
135
00:05:29,308 --> 00:05:30,457
He's a pig.
136
00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:32,426
He's a pig,
you're a Hore.
137
00:05:32,428 --> 00:05:33,960
No one's judging.
138
00:05:33,962 --> 00:05:35,679
No, he's my pet pig.
139
00:05:35,681 --> 00:05:38,014
My little frankfurter.
140
00:05:38,016 --> 00:05:39,683
A pig.
141
00:05:39,685 --> 00:05:42,185
Does he sleep
in a blanket?
142
00:05:42,187 --> 00:05:44,571
Yeah, he totally
hogs the covers.
143
00:05:44,573 --> 00:05:48,141
Hogs. Good one.
144
00:05:49,077 --> 00:05:50,911
Never mind.
145
00:05:50,913 --> 00:05:53,447
Uh, what about medications?
146
00:05:53,449 --> 00:05:54,831
Love 'em.
147
00:05:54,833 --> 00:05:57,868
No, I-I think they mean
"are you taking any now?"
148
00:05:57,870 --> 00:06:01,538
Oh, let's see, there's
plaxitril for my depression,
149
00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:03,373
zaxaprin for my anxiety,
150
00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:06,009
dilapamin for my
insomnia, and clodex
151
00:06:06,011 --> 00:06:08,678
for my occasional
bouts of rage.
152
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:11,515
No one likes
an angry Hore.
153
00:06:18,173 --> 00:06:20,857
Why didn't you tell me
we were going to a gay bar?
154
00:06:20,859 --> 00:06:22,692
'Cause if I told you,
you wouldn't have come.
155
00:06:22,694 --> 00:06:25,896
Yes, I would. I just
would've dressed better.
156
00:06:25,898 --> 00:06:27,180
And just to be clear,
157
00:06:27,182 --> 00:06:28,865
you do know I'm
not gay, right?
158
00:06:28,867 --> 00:06:30,200
I don't think you're gay.
159
00:06:30,202 --> 00:06:33,320
I-I mean, do I know guys
that act less gay
160
00:06:33,322 --> 00:06:35,739
that have sex
with other guys? Sure.
161
00:06:36,657 --> 00:06:38,074
But I know
you're straight.
162
00:06:38,076 --> 00:06:40,160
So, why bring me here?
163
00:06:40,162 --> 00:06:41,495
Look around this room.
164
00:06:41,497 --> 00:06:43,713
See all the women here?
Yeah.
165
00:06:43,715 --> 00:06:45,999
Well, some of them
are gay. Those are mine.
166
00:06:46,001 --> 00:06:48,552
The rest are straight.
167
00:06:48,554 --> 00:06:49,970
Some of those
are mine, too.
168
00:06:49,972 --> 00:06:51,838
And everyone who's left
169
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,341
is gonna be drunk and horny
by the end of the night
170
00:06:54,343 --> 00:06:58,228
and looking for someone who
doesn't think vaginas are yucky.
171
00:07:00,515 --> 00:07:02,382
Oh, oh, you mean me.
172
00:07:02,384 --> 00:07:04,534
Yay.
173
00:07:04,536 --> 00:07:06,386
I mean, yay.
174
00:07:09,807 --> 00:07:11,391
Okay, be careful.
175
00:07:11,393 --> 00:07:13,410
Mm.
Watch your leg.
176
00:07:13,412 --> 00:07:15,662
You smell so good.
177
00:07:15,664 --> 00:07:17,497
Thank you.
178
00:07:17,499 --> 00:07:20,417
Let's see how you taste.
179
00:07:20,419 --> 00:07:23,403
Okay. All right.
180
00:07:23,405 --> 00:07:25,188
I see the painkillers
have kicked in.
181
00:07:25,190 --> 00:07:26,590
Oh, they sure did.
182
00:07:26,592 --> 00:07:29,793
Right now, you could
do anything to me
183
00:07:29,795 --> 00:07:31,911
and I wouldn't remember.
184
00:07:35,099 --> 00:07:37,717
Did I wink?
'Cause I was trying to wink.
185
00:07:37,719 --> 00:07:40,753
Okay, let's-let's get
you on the couch, huh?
186
00:07:40,755 --> 00:07:43,590
Hey, let's get you on Nadine.
Oh, okay.
187
00:07:43,592 --> 00:07:46,926
All right, fine.
Let's... just rest.
188
00:07:48,229 --> 00:07:52,065
Thank you so much
for taking care of me.
189
00:07:52,067 --> 00:07:54,201
Well, you have a broken leg.
190
00:07:54,203 --> 00:07:56,436
You don't have
any family or friends
191
00:07:56,438 --> 00:07:59,739
and you live on the fourth floor
of a building with no elevator.
192
00:07:59,741 --> 00:08:03,460
So, I couldn't just
leave you on the street.
193
00:08:04,879 --> 00:08:06,329
Could I?
194
00:08:06,331 --> 00:08:08,048
You're handsome.
195
00:08:08,050 --> 00:08:09,216
Yeah.
196
00:08:09,218 --> 00:08:11,134
You're... drooling.
197
00:08:11,136 --> 00:08:13,453
I'm gonna get
you some food.
198
00:08:13,455 --> 00:08:17,057
All right, but I have
certain dietary constrictions.
199
00:08:17,059 --> 00:08:20,560
I don't eat wheat, dairy,
or anything with a face.
200
00:08:20,562 --> 00:08:22,112
Although...
201
00:08:22,114 --> 00:08:24,981
I would make
an exception for you.
202
00:08:28,653 --> 00:08:30,103
So, you're here
with your niece?
203
00:08:30,105 --> 00:08:32,572
Uh, yeah, she just recently
came out of the closet
204
00:08:32,574 --> 00:08:35,325
and she's painfully shy.
Oh. Mm-hmm.
205
00:08:38,963 --> 00:08:41,781
Now, that's what I
call breast-feeding.
206
00:08:43,651 --> 00:08:45,702
She's, uh, still trying
to find her gay legs.
207
00:08:45,704 --> 00:08:49,539
Ah. Well, she's lucky she has
an uncle who's found his.
208
00:08:49,541 --> 00:08:51,758
No, I'm straight.
209
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,760
Why does everybody
think I'm gay?
210
00:08:53,762 --> 00:08:55,828
Oh, that is way too tart.
211
00:08:55,830 --> 00:08:58,181
Um, so, Paula,
212
00:08:58,183 --> 00:08:59,883
what do you do?
213
00:08:59,885 --> 00:09:01,301
I'm an investment banker.
214
00:09:01,303 --> 00:09:03,637
Oh, wow. Oh, okay,
maybe you can answer a question
215
00:09:03,639 --> 00:09:04,888
I've always had.
Mm-hmm?
216
00:09:04,890 --> 00:09:07,057
What's the penalty
for early withdrawal?
217
00:09:07,059 --> 00:09:09,476
Well, uh, that depends.
218
00:09:09,478 --> 00:09:11,561
How big is your deposit?
219
00:09:13,147 --> 00:09:15,899
Oh, interest is rising.
220
00:09:15,901 --> 00:09:18,535
You know, the longer
you keep it in,
221
00:09:18,537 --> 00:09:20,787
the bigger your reward.
222
00:09:21,989 --> 00:09:23,523
Sometimes,
the market collapses
223
00:09:23,525 --> 00:09:26,409
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
224
00:09:26,411 --> 00:09:28,695
Uh, wait. Are-are we
doing sexual innuendo
225
00:09:28,697 --> 00:09:31,131
or are you asking for
free financial advice?
226
00:09:31,133 --> 00:09:33,032
Why can't it be both?
227
00:09:34,001 --> 00:09:35,585
You know,
if you're interested,
228
00:09:35,587 --> 00:09:37,370
I've got a Malibu
beach house.
229
00:09:37,372 --> 00:09:40,807
Oh. Well, if you're interested,
I've got very loose morals.
230
00:09:40,809 --> 00:09:42,258
Yay.
231
00:09:43,978 --> 00:09:46,262
I mean, yay.
232
00:09:51,885 --> 00:09:54,904
Wow.
233
00:09:54,906 --> 00:09:56,906
That was amazing.
234
00:09:56,908 --> 00:09:59,109
Uh-huh.
235
00:09:59,111 --> 00:10:00,944
Wait, it wasn't?
'Cause I can do better.
236
00:10:00,946 --> 00:10:02,862
No, you were great.
237
00:10:02,864 --> 00:10:04,447
Oh, thank God,
'cause I can't do better.
238
00:10:04,449 --> 00:10:06,232
Oh.
239
00:10:06,234 --> 00:10:09,119
But there is something I
probably should've told you
240
00:10:09,121 --> 00:10:10,236
before we slept together.
241
00:10:10,238 --> 00:10:12,706
Oh, God, husband or herpes?
Uh...
242
00:10:12,708 --> 00:10:16,092
Well, there was
another guy. Paul.
243
00:10:16,094 --> 00:10:18,911
Paul. Paula.
That must have been confusing...
244
00:10:18,913 --> 00:10:21,548
Very, yeah. Um...
245
00:10:21,550 --> 00:10:24,634
You see, for the first
40 years of my life,
246
00:10:24,636 --> 00:10:28,438
I was a man named Paul.
247
00:10:33,861 --> 00:10:36,029
Wow.
248
00:10:37,598 --> 00:10:40,283
You don't look... 40.
249
00:10:40,285 --> 00:10:42,152
♪ Men. ♪
250
00:10:50,463 --> 00:10:53,332
So, so, you were a guy?
With, you know,
251
00:10:53,334 --> 00:10:55,100
an Adam's apple
and facial hair,
252
00:10:55,102 --> 00:10:57,102
and the whole kit
and kaboodle?
253
00:10:58,171 --> 00:11:01,390
Yep, I had a kit
and two kaboodles.
254
00:11:01,392 --> 00:11:03,192
So, so, how did
you get that?
255
00:11:03,194 --> 00:11:05,394
I mean, did you
have to get a donor?
256
00:11:06,563 --> 00:11:07,846
'Cause I've never
seen that box
257
00:11:07,848 --> 00:11:09,398
to check on
a driver's license.
258
00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:14,786
Actually, uh, I-I... I
donated my own organ.
259
00:11:14,788 --> 00:11:17,322
You see, what they do, they
take your penis, all right?
260
00:11:17,324 --> 00:11:21,743
They slice it right down the middle...
Oh! La la la la la la la la la.
261
00:11:21,745 --> 00:11:23,862
Okay, I'll-I'll
spare you the details
262
00:11:23,864 --> 00:11:25,714
on what happened
to my balls.
263
00:11:25,716 --> 00:11:29,501
Well, I know
what just happened to mine.
264
00:11:29,503 --> 00:11:31,620
Look, I-I know I should
have told you earlier.
265
00:11:31,622 --> 00:11:34,690
I just didn't want to scare
you away. I really like you.
266
00:11:34,692 --> 00:11:37,709
Oh, and I like you. I mean,
we have a lot in common.
267
00:11:37,711 --> 00:11:39,845
Clearly more than I realized.
268
00:11:39,847 --> 00:11:41,480
Maybe it's best if I go.
269
00:11:41,482 --> 00:11:42,648
Oh, no, no, don't do.
270
00:11:42,650 --> 00:11:43,682
You sure?
271
00:11:43,684 --> 00:11:44,983
Yeah, yeah, no, I like you.
272
00:11:44,985 --> 00:11:47,653
I'm just, I'm trying
to process this whole thing.
273
00:11:47,655 --> 00:11:49,271
I mean, for instance,
274
00:11:49,273 --> 00:11:52,441
there's no chance
it'll grow back, right?
275
00:11:52,443 --> 00:11:54,159
What, like-like a
salamander's tail?
276
00:11:54,161 --> 00:11:55,560
No. Uh-uh.
277
00:11:55,562 --> 00:11:57,863
So one day you're not gonna,
you know, sneeze real hard
278
00:11:57,865 --> 00:11:59,748
and suddenly
I'm dating a dude?
279
00:12:00,867 --> 00:12:04,253
Alan, I am as much a woman
as you've ever dated.
280
00:12:04,255 --> 00:12:07,372
But if you're not okay with this, it's...
No, no, no, you know what?
281
00:12:07,374 --> 00:12:10,425
I am not going to let one
little thing come between us.
282
00:12:10,427 --> 00:12:11,960
Oh, it wasn't little.
283
00:12:13,079 --> 00:12:16,081
Okay, uh, Paula, bit of,
uh, relationship advice?
284
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,716
Uh, no guy likes to hear
285
00:12:17,718 --> 00:12:20,269
that his girlfriend
had a bigger penis than he does.
286
00:12:20,271 --> 00:12:22,187
You're right.
287
00:12:22,189 --> 00:12:23,555
I'm sorry.
288
00:12:25,359 --> 00:12:27,559
Sorry.
289
00:12:30,113 --> 00:12:32,281
Gesundheit.
290
00:12:35,451 --> 00:12:37,452
Morning.
Morning.
291
00:12:37,454 --> 00:12:40,088
Oh great, we're
out of bacon.
292
00:12:40,090 --> 00:12:41,490
Whoa.
293
00:12:44,294 --> 00:12:46,778
We're out of naked
Heidi Klum.
294
00:12:48,498 --> 00:12:50,332
Damn.
295
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:53,752
That's Frank. He belongs
to my date Nadine.
296
00:12:53,754 --> 00:12:55,170
Alan told me about her.
297
00:12:55,172 --> 00:12:57,289
That's the model
you took to the emergency room.
298
00:12:57,291 --> 00:13:01,126
Twice. She calls it our
"special place."
299
00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:02,561
It's the worst date of my life.
300
00:13:02,563 --> 00:13:04,546
Is her mouth broken?
301
00:13:04,548 --> 00:13:06,131
No.
302
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,349
So what's the problem?
303
00:13:07,351 --> 00:13:09,134
The problem is,
we have no connection.
304
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:11,186
How can I be attracted
to a woman's body
305
00:13:11,188 --> 00:13:12,938
if I'm not attracted
to her mind?
306
00:13:12,940 --> 00:13:15,607
Sounds kind of gay,
but all right.
307
00:13:15,609 --> 00:13:17,743
Hey, Walden.
308
00:13:17,745 --> 00:13:19,945
Jenny.
309
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,582
Zippy.
310
00:13:23,584 --> 00:13:26,501
Just a heads-up, there's a girl
asleep on the couch.
311
00:13:26,503 --> 00:13:29,288
Don't worry,
I know the drill, boss.
312
00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:32,424
Give her 500 bucks,
pat her down for silverware
313
00:13:32,426 --> 00:13:34,492
and throw her in a taxi.
314
00:13:34,494 --> 00:13:35,744
What?
315
00:13:36,879 --> 00:13:39,264
Sorry. Charlie flashback.
316
00:13:41,551 --> 00:13:42,651
Morning.
317
00:13:42,653 --> 00:13:44,686
Whoa!
318
00:13:44,688 --> 00:13:46,271
That's a pig.
319
00:13:46,273 --> 00:13:48,506
Whoa! That's a leech.
320
00:13:50,310 --> 00:13:52,010
Long story, crazy night.
321
00:13:52,012 --> 00:13:54,563
Pig or no pig,
not as crazy as mine.
322
00:13:54,565 --> 00:13:56,848
100 bucks says mine beats yours.
323
00:13:56,850 --> 00:13:59,368
I had sex with a woman
who used to be a man.
324
00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:01,953
And we have a winner.
325
00:14:01,955 --> 00:14:03,705
What, really?
326
00:14:03,707 --> 00:14:05,791
I can't believe
that you would...
327
00:14:05,793 --> 00:14:07,859
Well, ah, then again, it's you.
328
00:14:07,861 --> 00:14:09,745
Hey, hey, say what you want,
329
00:14:09,747 --> 00:14:11,763
but she really
knows her way around a man.
330
00:14:11,765 --> 00:14:14,499
It's like climbing Mount Everest
with a really good Sherpa.
331
00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:17,002
Yeah, but you don't
shtup the Sherpa.
332
00:14:18,538 --> 00:14:21,373
How did it work?
Like, where did it... go?
333
00:14:21,375 --> 00:14:22,808
Oh, that's easy.
See, what they do is,
334
00:14:22,810 --> 00:14:24,176
they slice the penis
down the middle...
335
00:14:24,178 --> 00:14:26,762
Oh. La la la la la.
La la la la la.
336
00:14:26,764 --> 00:14:29,531
Walden?
337
00:14:29,533 --> 00:14:32,267
Is there somewhere
I can take a bath?
338
00:14:32,269 --> 00:14:34,319
Oh, yeah, upstairs.
Here, I'll help you.
339
00:14:34,321 --> 00:14:35,771
No.
340
00:14:35,773 --> 00:14:37,406
I will never get out of here
341
00:14:37,408 --> 00:14:39,825
if I don't start
to do things on my own.
342
00:14:39,827 --> 00:14:43,245
Unless you don't
want me to leave.
343
00:14:43,247 --> 00:14:45,864
Top of the stairs, on the left.
344
00:14:47,566 --> 00:14:49,167
That girl is really messed up.
345
00:14:49,169 --> 00:14:50,502
The only thing wrong with mine
346
00:14:50,504 --> 00:14:52,754
is the occasional
five o'clock shadow.
347
00:14:52,756 --> 00:14:55,257
You know, I've got to say,
Alan, you going out
348
00:14:55,259 --> 00:14:58,627
with a post-op transgendered
person without any judgment--
349
00:14:58,629 --> 00:14:59,711
very enlightened.
350
00:14:59,713 --> 00:15:00,762
Oh, thank you.
351
00:15:00,764 --> 00:15:02,464
And you should see her boobs.
352
00:15:07,221 --> 00:15:10,138
You're getting a call
from a "Hore?"
353
00:15:12,925 --> 00:15:14,543
Hi, Nadine.
354
00:15:15,478 --> 00:15:17,112
You got... you got it
stuck where?
355
00:15:17,114 --> 00:15:20,198
Don't move, I'll
be right there.
356
00:15:21,617 --> 00:15:25,387
Nadine got her boot
caught in the banister.
357
00:15:25,389 --> 00:15:27,289
Excuse me.
358
00:15:27,291 --> 00:15:30,442
Never mind, I got it.
359
00:15:30,444 --> 00:15:34,830
Oh no.
360
00:15:34,832 --> 00:15:38,200
500 bucks in cab fare,
and he'd be out of this.
361
00:15:39,535 --> 00:15:41,670
I can't believe how easily
we agreed on a movie.
362
00:15:41,672 --> 00:15:43,972
I know, men and women aren't
usually on the same page.
363
00:15:43,974 --> 00:15:45,240
Oh, oh, here it is.
364
00:15:45,242 --> 00:15:48,977
Uh, theater three, Julia Roberts
I Love You.
365
00:15:48,979 --> 00:15:51,129
Listen, I'm gonna get a soda.
Do you want something?
366
00:15:51,131 --> 00:15:53,682
Oh, sure. Uh, oh, let me see
what I'm in the mood for.
367
00:15:53,684 --> 00:15:55,851
Oh, uh, want to split a hot dog?
Mmm.
368
00:15:55,853 --> 00:15:56,902
Oh, I am so sorry.
369
00:15:56,904 --> 00:15:57,802
It's fine.
370
00:15:57,804 --> 00:15:59,804
Hi. Uh, can we have
two Diet Cokes
371
00:15:59,806 --> 00:16:01,156
and a hot dog, please?
372
00:16:01,158 --> 00:16:03,692
Oh, uh...
Don't worry, I got it.
373
00:16:03,694 --> 00:16:06,328
Okay, but
I'm used to paying.
374
00:16:09,916 --> 00:16:12,117
This is...
this is so weird.
375
00:16:12,119 --> 00:16:14,652
Sorry, just, you know, old
habits from when I was Paul.
376
00:16:14,654 --> 00:16:16,755
I-I hope you're
okay with that.
377
00:16:16,757 --> 00:16:18,323
I think it's pretty clear
that I'm willing
378
00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:19,991
to work around things
in this relationship.
379
00:16:19,993 --> 00:16:21,126
Well, I appreciate it,
380
00:16:21,128 --> 00:16:22,627
because I'm having a
great time with you.
381
00:16:22,629 --> 00:16:23,995
Oh, well, so am I.
Mm-hmm?
382
00:16:23,997 --> 00:16:25,764
Uh, but going forward,
you're gonna have to learn
383
00:16:25,766 --> 00:16:28,517
to embrace my masculinity
and, you know, accept the fact
384
00:16:28,519 --> 00:16:32,003
that I'm the-- thank you--
man in this relationship.
385
00:16:32,939 --> 00:16:34,139
Oh, it's chilly in here.
386
00:16:34,141 --> 00:16:36,775
Oh, here. Take my jacket.
387
00:16:36,777 --> 00:16:39,277
Oh. Cozy.
388
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,726
Who's there?
389
00:16:58,915 --> 00:17:01,800
It's just me, silly.
390
00:17:01,802 --> 00:17:04,035
Is everything all right?
391
00:17:05,137 --> 00:17:07,889
You've taken
such good care of me,
392
00:17:07,891 --> 00:17:11,209
I thought it was time for me
393
00:17:11,211 --> 00:17:13,512
to take good care of you.
394
00:17:13,514 --> 00:17:16,881
Oh, that's not necessary.
395
00:17:16,883 --> 00:17:18,216
Why not?
396
00:17:18,218 --> 00:17:19,734
We could play doctor.
397
00:17:19,736 --> 00:17:21,736
Haven't you
seen enough doctors?
398
00:17:21,738 --> 00:17:24,940
Okay, we could play
Pat and Vanna.
399
00:17:24,942 --> 00:17:30,328
The clue is "things
people do naked."
400
00:17:30,330 --> 00:17:32,781
Okay, Nadine, just stop.
401
00:17:32,783 --> 00:17:34,899
What's wrong?
402
00:17:34,901 --> 00:17:37,902
We're not
gonna sleep together.
403
00:17:39,288 --> 00:17:41,673
Are you saying
404
00:17:41,675 --> 00:17:45,427
that you don't
want any of this?
405
00:17:49,632 --> 00:17:53,602
"N," and I'd like
to buy five O's.
406
00:17:55,187 --> 00:17:57,188
Look, we-we just don't click.
407
00:17:57,190 --> 00:18:00,058
I can't believe
you led me on. Ooh.
408
00:18:00,060 --> 00:18:03,278
Led you on? I let you in.
I was trying to help you.
409
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,364
Do I look like I need your help?
410
00:18:10,620 --> 00:18:12,937
♪ Men. ♪
411
00:18:24,501 --> 00:18:27,085
Yeah? No, I'm not
doing anything.
412
00:18:27,087 --> 00:18:28,403
Seriously?
413
00:18:28,428 --> 00:18:30,122
I know, I know.
I should say something.
414
00:18:30,123 --> 00:18:31,222
No, no, it's fine.
415
00:18:31,224 --> 00:18:33,458
I'll come over after the movie.
416
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:34,809
He should go now.
417
00:18:34,811 --> 00:18:36,511
What's that?
418
00:18:36,513 --> 00:18:37,929
Shh!
Shh!
419
00:18:37,931 --> 00:18:39,848
Just ignore him. People
can only make you angry
420
00:18:39,850 --> 00:18:41,182
with your permission.
421
00:18:41,184 --> 00:18:44,603
Right. But if he opens his mouth
again, I will get the usher.
422
00:18:44,605 --> 00:18:47,022
I got my review.
423
00:18:47,024 --> 00:18:48,857
Hashtag piece of crap.
424
00:18:48,859 --> 00:18:50,191
Shh!
Shh!
425
00:18:50,193 --> 00:18:51,409
All right, you know
what? That's it.
426
00:18:51,411 --> 00:18:53,078
Oh, wait, oh, no, no, no,
Let me do this.
427
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,413
Alan, Alan, you don't have to do this.
Yes, I do. I'm the man
428
00:18:55,415 --> 00:18:57,866
and this is what a man does.
Now, hold my Jujubes.
429
00:18:59,652 --> 00:19:01,551
Uh, excuse me, sir?
What?
430
00:19:01,552 --> 00:19:03,756
Um, uh, we're all
trying to watch the movie
431
00:19:03,757 --> 00:19:05,990
and I don't know if you
remember what the, uh,
432
00:19:05,992 --> 00:19:07,542
the little cartoon
popcorn bucket said,
433
00:19:07,544 --> 00:19:09,160
but "silence is golden."
434
00:19:09,162 --> 00:19:12,830
Oh, yeah? What are you
gonna do about it?
435
00:19:12,832 --> 00:19:14,432
Uh, well, I
just did it
436
00:19:14,434 --> 00:19:16,384
and it didn't seem
very effective, so...
437
00:19:17,687 --> 00:19:20,188
Go sit down.
438
00:19:20,190 --> 00:19:22,057
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you sit down?
439
00:19:22,059 --> 00:19:24,309
Ow.
What the... What...
440
00:19:24,311 --> 00:19:25,527
I'm sorry.
441
00:19:25,529 --> 00:19:27,011
Don't apologize.
442
00:19:27,013 --> 00:19:30,565
Paula? Hashtag
I love you.
443
00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:33,618
♪ Men. ♪
444
00:19:34,987 --> 00:19:37,789
I thought this relationship
was going somewhere.
445
00:19:37,791 --> 00:19:40,408
Okay, seriously? The only place
this relationship is going
446
00:19:40,410 --> 00:19:42,043
is the emergency room.
447
00:19:42,045 --> 00:19:44,028
I thought this was
something special.
448
00:19:44,030 --> 00:19:47,248
I thought I was going to be
Mrs. Nadine Hore-Schmidt.
449
00:19:48,584 --> 00:19:50,085
Okay, this is crazy.
450
00:19:50,087 --> 00:19:52,253
I mean, we wouldn't have
gotten past the first date
451
00:19:52,255 --> 00:19:55,373
if you hadn't
fallen off my deck.
452
00:19:55,375 --> 00:19:56,641
That's right.
453
00:19:56,643 --> 00:19:58,343
I did fall off your deck.
454
00:19:58,345 --> 00:20:00,979
I'll be sure to mention that
to my lawyer.
455
00:20:00,981 --> 00:20:01,980
Your lawyer?
456
00:20:01,982 --> 00:20:03,348
You heard me.
457
00:20:03,350 --> 00:20:05,650
Perhaps you've seen his picture
on the side of the bus?
458
00:20:05,652 --> 00:20:07,885
You don't get to be
the numero uno accidente lawyer
459
00:20:07,887 --> 00:20:09,521
by accident.
460
00:20:09,523 --> 00:20:11,106
Come on, Frank.
461
00:20:15,327 --> 00:20:16,911
Take care of yourself, Frank.
462
00:20:20,733 --> 00:20:22,117
What's going on?
463
00:20:22,119 --> 00:20:27,122
Oh, Nadine is going to sue me
because I won't sleep with her.
464
00:20:27,124 --> 00:20:29,040
Oh, that's a thing?
465
00:20:29,042 --> 00:20:30,542
Don't tell Alan.
466
00:20:35,097 --> 00:20:36,381
Oh, that can't be.
467
00:20:43,923 --> 00:20:45,890
Hi, Nadine.
468
00:20:45,892 --> 00:20:48,893
I'll be right there.
469
00:20:50,196 --> 00:20:53,181
Nadine got hit by a bus.
470
00:20:53,183 --> 00:20:56,201
Back to our special place.
471
00:20:56,203 --> 00:20:58,486
♪ Men. ♪
472
00:21:06,957 --> 00:21:08,775
What do you want to watch?
473
00:21:08,777 --> 00:21:11,415
I know someone
wants to watch Babe again.
474
00:21:11,711 --> 00:21:16,711
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net