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Previously
on Two and a Half Men...
2
00:00:02,523 --> 00:00:03,940
There is something I...
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00:00:03,942 --> 00:00:06,392
probably should've told you
before we slept together.
4
00:00:06,394 --> 00:00:07,860
Oh, God. Husband
or herpes?
5
00:00:07,862 --> 00:00:10,062
For the first 40
years of my life,
6
00:00:10,064 --> 00:00:13,232
I was a man named Paul.
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00:00:14,451 --> 00:00:17,569
Wow.
8
00:00:17,571 --> 00:00:19,839
Um...
You don't look...
9
00:00:19,841 --> 00:00:22,074
40.
Oh...
10
00:00:27,431 --> 00:00:29,632
I love Christmas
in Malibu.
11
00:00:29,634 --> 00:00:33,552
I just saw Santa Claus
smoking a joint on the beach.
12
00:00:33,554 --> 00:00:34,770
No, that's just Crazy Don.
13
00:00:34,772 --> 00:00:36,772
He's a homeless guy with a beard
who asks girls
14
00:00:36,774 --> 00:00:39,392
to sit on his lap and try
to find the North Pole.
15
00:00:39,394 --> 00:00:41,593
This came for you.
16
00:00:41,595 --> 00:00:43,696
I'm pretty sure it's from Jake.
17
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He spelled "Malibu"
M-A-L-I-B-O-O.
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Oh. No,
19
00:00:49,103 --> 00:00:51,487
actually, it's "Maliboobs."
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He put little nipples
on the O's.
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I just can't get used to
Christmas without him.
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It's just
not the same.
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Remember how he used to
screw up Christmas carols?
24
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♪ Shark named Harold
25
00:01:02,467 --> 00:01:04,333
♪ Could not sing
26
00:01:04,335 --> 00:01:08,421
♪ Let's all go to Burger King ♪
27
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Oh, look. He
sent a note.
28
00:01:12,010 --> 00:01:14,010
Oh. Here we go. Uh...
Oh...
29
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"Hey, guys. Uh, sorry
I can't be there.
30
00:01:16,297 --> 00:01:18,464
"I am having a lot of fun in Japan.
"In Japan."
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"Uh, Christmas is
very commercial here.
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"Sometimes I think
they don't even remember
33
00:01:23,187 --> 00:01:24,937
"it's Santa's birthday.
34
00:01:26,356 --> 00:01:29,408
I hope you enjoy this little
homemade holiday treat." Oh.
35
00:01:29,410 --> 00:01:30,809
Aw, maybe he baked us cookies.
36
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Mmm.
37
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Oh, dear Lord, it's sushi.
Oh!
38
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Oh, man.
39
00:01:36,868 --> 00:01:39,118
Well, at least he tried.
40
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:41,587
He packed 'em in ice.
41
00:01:41,589 --> 00:01:44,156
Well, it's better than the time
he sent us those Easter eggs.
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00:01:44,158 --> 00:01:48,294
Mmm.
And that poor, poor bunny.
43
00:01:51,515 --> 00:01:53,516
Looks like, uh,
Jenny's Christmas present
44
00:01:53,518 --> 00:01:54,884
got here early.
Mm-hmm.
45
00:01:54,886 --> 00:01:56,719
And from the sounds
of it last night,
46
00:01:56,721 --> 00:01:59,605
- it's a Scream My Name Elmo.
- Hey,
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guys, this is Brooke.
48
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Um, Brooke, this
is my uncle Alan,
49
00:02:02,827 --> 00:02:04,393
and this is Walden.
50
00:02:04,395 --> 00:02:07,446
Walden runs the
Alan sanctuary.
51
00:02:07,448 --> 00:02:08,680
Hi.
52
00:02:08,682 --> 00:02:09,815
Hi. Nice to meet you.
53
00:02:09,817 --> 00:02:11,650
Where did, uh,
you two meet?
54
00:02:11,652 --> 00:02:12,868
At my work.
55
00:02:12,870 --> 00:02:14,236
Oh, and, uh,
what do you do?
56
00:02:14,238 --> 00:02:15,521
I'm an esthetician.
57
00:02:15,523 --> 00:02:18,023
Ooh, an esthetician.
Very impressive.
58
00:02:18,025 --> 00:02:19,992
You have no idea
what I'm talking about, do you?
59
00:02:19,994 --> 00:02:22,044
No.
Zero.
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How do I put this?
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Do you guys like
hairless vaginas?
62
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Aw, yeah.
Yeah.
63
00:02:27,168 --> 00:02:28,667
Okay, there you go.
That's what I do.
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You know, waxing, tweezing,
threading and plucking.
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She plucked the hell
out of me last night.
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Ooh, and brought a whole
new meaning to "ho, ho, ho."
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Listen, you want to go
get some breakfast?
68
00:02:42,350 --> 00:02:44,100
Nah, I got to bounce.
Thanks again.
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00:02:44,102 --> 00:02:45,267
See you.
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Did I just get blown off?
71
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Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Big-time.
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Well, no biggie.
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I'll just go back
to plucking myself.
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00:02:59,199 --> 00:03:00,499
I feel bad for her.
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Do you remember the first time
you were rejected by a woman?
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00:03:03,121 --> 00:03:05,904
Yeah. When the maternity
nurse handed me to my mom.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
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♪ Two and a Half Men 11x10 ♪
On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!.
Original Air Date on December 12, 2013
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00:03:16,066 --> 00:03:21,066
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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Care for some mulled cider,
mull-lady?
82
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Oh... thanks,
83
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but I can't.
I take hormones,
84
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and the acid in the
cider makes my beard grow.
85
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God, you are so lucky.
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I wish I could grow a beard.
87
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Oh. Look what else I have,
Hmm?
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a, uh, sprig of mistletoe.
89
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Okay, great. Game's
in overtime.
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00:03:43,148 --> 00:03:45,365
Mwah. Come on!
91
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:54,941
I had the craziest day
at the mall today.
92
00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:57,577
You heard me
about the overtime, right?
93
00:03:57,579 --> 00:03:59,913
You heard me
about the mall, right?
94
00:03:59,915 --> 00:04:02,115
Darn it.
95
00:04:07,588 --> 00:04:09,389
Is everything okay
down there?
96
00:04:09,391 --> 00:04:11,725
Oh.
My bad.
97
00:04:11,727 --> 00:04:13,844
I got phantom nuts.
98
00:04:14,695 --> 00:04:16,346
Hmm...
99
00:04:16,348 --> 00:04:18,014
You can scratch mine
if you want.
100
00:04:18,016 --> 00:04:19,816
Hey, Paula,
101
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I'm just...
Oh, sorry.
102
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I didn't realize
you had company.
103
00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:25,138
No, no. Come on in. Uh...
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00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,806
Rachel, this is Alan.
105
00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,275
Alan, this is my ex-wife.
106
00:04:28,277 --> 00:04:30,193
Oh. I, uh... I didn't know
you were married.
107
00:04:30,195 --> 00:04:32,746
Uh, then again, I didn't know
you had a penis, so...
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00:04:32,748 --> 00:04:34,831
She lost them both
at about the same time.
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00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:36,316
Nice to meet you, Alan.
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00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,919
Oh. You, too. It's really great
that you guys are still friends.
111
00:04:38,921 --> 00:04:41,755
Yeah. And thankfully
the same shoe size. - Oh.
112
00:04:41,757 --> 00:04:43,590
By the way, those silver
platforms that you lent me
113
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really did a number on my back.
114
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Oh, I'm sorry.
But you're in luck.
115
00:04:46,511 --> 00:04:48,879
Alan here is one of
the top chiropractors
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00:04:48,881 --> 00:04:52,165
in Los Angeles.
Well, I was named, uh,
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one of the "Top Chiropractors
to Watch"
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by the Personal Injury Lawyer
Trade Association.
119
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Yeah, he's just
120
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being modest.
Last night,
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he threw my back out.
This morning, fixed it.
122
00:05:02,895 --> 00:05:05,695
Oh...
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00:05:05,697 --> 00:05:08,031
Well, maybe I can come
by your office.
124
00:05:08,033 --> 00:05:09,783
Oh, well, uh, I-I
closed my office.
125
00:05:09,785 --> 00:05:11,851
Uh, I'm actually
semi-retired.
126
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Uh, I-I do philanthropic work
127
00:05:13,622 --> 00:05:15,538
out in Malibu with
a billionaire.
128
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We, uh... we run
a sanctuary.
129
00:05:17,576 --> 00:05:18,625
What kind?
130
00:05:18,627 --> 00:05:20,410
Uh, you know,
the homeless,
131
00:05:20,412 --> 00:05:23,997
unemployed middle-aged men,
lesbian alcoholics, the usual.
132
00:05:23,999 --> 00:05:25,531
That's nice.
Mm-hmm.
133
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:28,218
Well, um, maybe
you'd make a house call
134
00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:29,535
if that's not too weird?
135
00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:32,372
No weirder than
me dating a dude.
136
00:05:35,009 --> 00:05:37,485
Oh. Somebody's been
sneaking the cider.
137
00:05:37,510 --> 00:05:37,711
What?
138
00:05:37,712 --> 00:05:40,931
What? Really?
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
139
00:05:44,402 --> 00:05:46,102
Hey.
140
00:05:46,104 --> 00:05:48,154
Hey.
141
00:05:50,408 --> 00:05:54,160
Looks like someone's celebrating
the 12 steps of Christmas.
142
00:05:55,029 --> 00:05:56,947
Yeah, well, I've had
a tough morning.
143
00:05:56,949 --> 00:05:58,648
You want to
talk about it?
144
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,066
Let's rap.
145
00:06:00,885 --> 00:06:03,670
"Rap"?
146
00:06:03,672 --> 00:06:07,040
You're like the creepy guidance
counselor I had in high school.
147
00:06:08,209 --> 00:06:10,243
"Tell me all
about your lesbian experiences.
148
00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:13,563
I can't help you
unless I know every detail."
149
00:06:13,565 --> 00:06:15,732
God, I hated her.
150
00:06:17,034 --> 00:06:18,668
She was good in bed, though.
151
00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:21,021
Really? Tell me about it.
152
00:06:21,023 --> 00:06:23,756
I can't help you unless
I know every detail.
153
00:06:25,810 --> 00:06:28,061
Oh, come on. You're
a relationship guy, right?
154
00:06:28,063 --> 00:06:29,863
I don't know. I mean,
I-I do believe
155
00:06:29,865 --> 00:06:31,781
there is someone out
there for everyone.
156
00:06:31,783 --> 00:06:34,734
I'm just terrified that
my someone is Alan.
157
00:06:34,736 --> 00:06:36,820
So...
how do you know
158
00:06:36,822 --> 00:06:39,873
when you want to be
in a relationship?
159
00:06:39,875 --> 00:06:41,708
The first sign is that
you start asking people,
160
00:06:41,710 --> 00:06:45,245
"How do you know when you
want to be in a relationship?"
161
00:06:45,247 --> 00:06:46,513
Oh, God.
162
00:06:46,515 --> 00:06:48,882
Sick of plucking
yourself already?
163
00:06:50,051 --> 00:06:52,385
Is it the, uh, girl
from yesterday?
164
00:06:52,387 --> 00:06:54,387
Yeah.
165
00:06:54,389 --> 00:06:56,473
Brooke.
166
00:06:56,475 --> 00:06:58,258
Why don't you just call her?
167
00:06:58,260 --> 00:07:01,344
No. No. I'm the girl
that gets called.
168
00:07:01,346 --> 00:07:03,346
I don't do the calling.
169
00:07:03,348 --> 00:07:06,599
Oh, my God, she gave you
a fake number.
170
00:07:06,601 --> 00:07:10,820
It's possible she lives in the
back of a Mexican restaurant.
171
00:07:10,822 --> 00:07:13,239
Hey, look,
if you really like this girl,
172
00:07:13,241 --> 00:07:15,825
look her up on Facebook
and send her a message.
173
00:07:15,827 --> 00:07:19,779
Oh, or... send her a picture
of your boobs.
174
00:07:19,781 --> 00:07:21,531
That's desperate.
175
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:24,467
Besides, she already
has a picture of my boobs.
176
00:07:24,469 --> 00:07:28,588
Or the busboy in the back of
the Mexican restaurant has it.
177
00:07:28,590 --> 00:07:30,623
All right, look.
178
00:07:30,625 --> 00:07:32,926
Sometimes in life
179
00:07:32,928 --> 00:07:34,861
you have to take a risk
180
00:07:34,863 --> 00:07:36,913
and put yourself out there.
181
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,664
Sometimes it doesn't work.
182
00:07:38,666 --> 00:07:41,434
But sometimes it does.
183
00:07:41,436 --> 00:07:43,303
And sometimes
184
00:07:43,305 --> 00:07:45,939
it works so well that you
end up proposing to them
185
00:07:45,941 --> 00:07:47,390
and they say no
186
00:07:47,392 --> 00:07:51,227
and all you're left with
is a custom designed ring
187
00:07:51,229 --> 00:07:55,482
that you can't return whose
very existence mocks you.
188
00:08:00,287 --> 00:08:01,888
You want to rap about it?
189
00:08:01,890 --> 00:08:04,057
Shut up!
190
00:08:05,376 --> 00:08:07,477
I will have this set up
in a sec.
191
00:08:08,579 --> 00:08:10,863
Oh! My back.
192
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,415
Oh, my God, are you okay?
193
00:08:14,086 --> 00:08:15,969
Little chiropractor humor.
194
00:08:16,870 --> 00:08:18,421
I call it "cracking you up."
195
00:08:18,423 --> 00:08:20,757
Hop on up.
196
00:08:20,759 --> 00:08:23,259
How long have you and Paula
been dating?
197
00:08:23,261 --> 00:08:24,594
Oh, just a-a couple
of weeks.
198
00:08:24,596 --> 00:08:27,880
You know, still holding hands,
running the water while I pee.
199
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:29,933
How long were you
and Paul together?
200
00:08:29,935 --> 00:08:31,301
20 years.
201
00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:35,054
Wow. That's pooping
while the other one showers.
202
00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:37,357
Uh, so, uh, Paul's change
203
00:08:37,359 --> 00:08:39,609
must have been
a big adjustment for you.
204
00:08:39,611 --> 00:08:41,778
Oh, I was pretty
angry at first.
205
00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:44,531
When he said he wanted to become
a woman, I grabbed a knife
206
00:08:44,533 --> 00:08:47,400
from the kitchen and offered
to do the surgery myself.
207
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:48,501
Woop!
208
00:08:48,503 --> 00:08:50,336
Baggage just stowed for takeoff.
209
00:08:50,338 --> 00:08:53,873
Um, at least the two of you are
in a healthy place now.
210
00:08:53,875 --> 00:08:55,408
Oh, it's not easy.
211
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:57,677
Can you imagine
how annoying it is
212
00:08:57,679 --> 00:08:59,212
that she's a better-looking
woman than I am?
213
00:08:59,214 --> 00:09:00,880
And the boobs, by the way,
214
00:09:00,882 --> 00:09:02,265
exact copies of mine.
215
00:09:02,267 --> 00:09:04,134
Well, I think
you're both very beautiful,
216
00:09:04,136 --> 00:09:07,270
and, uh...
and kudos on the boobs.
217
00:09:07,272 --> 00:09:09,772
Would you mind working
a little lower?
218
00:09:09,774 --> 00:09:10,974
Oh, sure. Let's, uh...
219
00:09:10,976 --> 00:09:12,642
let's narrow it down
to the lumbar region.
220
00:09:12,644 --> 00:09:15,278
Uh, where does it hurt?
Uh, L5? L4?
221
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:16,646
Lower.
222
00:09:16,648 --> 00:09:19,032
Okay, we're into
the-the sacral region.
223
00:09:19,034 --> 00:09:22,101
Uh, that's S2. S3?
224
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:24,404
A-A little lower.
225
00:09:24,406 --> 00:09:25,488
Okay.
226
00:09:25,490 --> 00:09:28,274
Uh, I believe
we are out of the S's
227
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:30,660
and into the asses.
228
00:09:30,662 --> 00:09:32,212
How does that feel?
229
00:09:32,214 --> 00:09:34,998
Uh, like the tension
has moved out of your back
230
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,116
and into my pants.
231
00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:39,085
I'm sure
this is wildly inappropriate,
232
00:09:39,087 --> 00:09:41,287
but I'm very attracted to you.
233
00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:43,890
Well, I'm-I'm flattered.
Uh-uh, it's just that...
234
00:09:43,892 --> 00:09:46,042
I'm dating your ex-husband.
235
00:09:47,495 --> 00:09:50,063
Boy, that was a weird thing
to hear yourself say.
236
00:09:50,065 --> 00:09:51,964
I understand.
237
00:09:51,966 --> 00:09:55,235
Let me know if you
change your mind.
238
00:09:56,153 --> 00:09:59,022
You do realize your hand
is still on my ass.
239
00:09:59,024 --> 00:10:00,924
I do.
240
00:10:00,926 --> 00:10:02,475
Still there.
241
00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:05,628
I'm just glad you don't know
where my other hand is.
242
00:10:09,116 --> 00:10:12,035
Hi. So, I have you down for
243
00:10:12,037 --> 00:10:14,254
the total bro-zilian wax.
244
00:10:14,256 --> 00:10:16,656
Yeah, I wasn't really sure
which one to choose.
245
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,791
It was either that
or the Butt Reynolds.
246
00:10:18,793 --> 00:10:20,343
Wait, don't I know you?
247
00:10:20,345 --> 00:10:22,428
Yeah, I'm Walden.
248
00:10:22,430 --> 00:10:25,181
Hang on. Did you chase me out
of your house the other day
249
00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:28,518
for banging your wife?
'Cause she came on to me.
250
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,937
No, uh, you hooked up
with my friend Jenny.
251
00:10:30,939 --> 00:10:32,338
Uh, we live in Malibu.
252
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:35,007
Oh, yeah, yeah, Jenny.
Yeah, she was a lot of fun.
253
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:36,726
Oh-oh, God,
does she have herpes?
254
00:10:36,728 --> 00:10:37,977
Is that why you're here?
255
00:10:37,979 --> 00:10:40,563
No, that is not why I'm here.
256
00:10:40,565 --> 00:10:42,732
Actually, I wanted
to see if you...
257
00:10:42,734 --> 00:10:43,816
Ow!
258
00:10:43,818 --> 00:10:46,236
Oh!
259
00:10:47,455 --> 00:10:48,955
Okay. Oh, my God.
260
00:10:48,957 --> 00:10:50,490
How 'bout a little
heads-up next time?
261
00:10:50,492 --> 00:10:51,190
Okay, heads-up.
262
00:10:51,192 --> 00:10:55,194
Hey!
263
00:10:55,196 --> 00:10:58,331
So, why are you here?
264
00:10:58,333 --> 00:10:59,832
Uh, well...
265
00:10:59,834 --> 00:11:02,302
Well, um, my-my
friend Jenny--
266
00:11:02,304 --> 00:11:04,170
she thinks that
you're really cool.
267
00:11:04,172 --> 00:11:05,838
And this is
kind of awkward.
268
00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:07,507
I don't really know
how to say this.
269
00:11:07,509 --> 00:11:09,175
Take her out again!
270
00:11:09,177 --> 00:11:10,927
Yeah, I don't know.
271
00:11:10,929 --> 00:11:13,096
I mean, I like
to keep it casual.
272
00:11:13,098 --> 00:11:14,480
Lesbians get too attached,
273
00:11:14,482 --> 00:11:18,551
and then somebody always
ends up screaming or crying.
274
00:11:20,272 --> 00:11:22,071
I get that.
275
00:11:22,073 --> 00:11:24,324
Um, uh, but
here's the thing.
276
00:11:24,326 --> 00:11:25,575
Like,
277
00:11:25,577 --> 00:11:27,059
Jenny's really awesome,
278
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,061
and I think
if you took a chance
279
00:11:29,063 --> 00:11:31,781
to get to know her
that you would really like her.
280
00:11:31,783 --> 00:11:33,666
Yeah? I don't know.
Turn over.
281
00:11:33,668 --> 00:11:35,451
What?
282
00:11:35,453 --> 00:11:36,703
All fours, butt up.
283
00:11:37,671 --> 00:11:39,672
Oh. This...
284
00:11:39,674 --> 00:11:44,677
This reminds me of a horrible
prison nightmare I once had.
285
00:11:47,214 --> 00:11:49,632
You know, I got to say,
if you're willing
286
00:11:49,634 --> 00:11:52,051
to go through all
of this for your friend,
287
00:11:52,053 --> 00:11:53,853
she must be all right, huh?
288
00:11:53,855 --> 00:11:55,388
Yeah.
I'll give her a call.
289
00:11:55,390 --> 00:11:57,640
Okay.
290
00:11:57,642 --> 00:11:58,758
This one's gonna hurt.
291
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,593
This one?
292
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:02,862
Mommy!
293
00:12:32,287 --> 00:12:33,486
Whoa.
294
00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:37,657
Some might say
that a guy who does this
295
00:12:37,659 --> 00:12:40,594
out in the open wants
his housekeeper to catch him.
296
00:12:42,063 --> 00:12:43,763
No, I-I...
297
00:12:45,716 --> 00:12:49,102
Oh, hey, Johnson and Johnson.
298
00:12:49,104 --> 00:12:50,320
And Johnson.
299
00:12:55,526 --> 00:12:57,611
Oh.
300
00:12:59,965 --> 00:13:01,731
Hold on.
301
00:13:01,733 --> 00:13:03,617
Weren't you the one
that called the house meeting
302
00:13:03,619 --> 00:13:05,118
about no more masturbating
in the kitchen?
303
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,520
No, I... I, uh...
304
00:13:07,522 --> 00:13:09,906
I got groomed.
305
00:13:09,908 --> 00:13:11,408
Actually,
306
00:13:11,410 --> 00:13:14,077
I went down to Brooke's salon...
307
00:13:14,079 --> 00:13:16,613
and asked her if she would
go out with you again.
308
00:13:16,615 --> 00:13:17,964
Are you insane?!
309
00:13:17,966 --> 00:13:20,333
What, you think
I can't get my own dates?
310
00:13:20,335 --> 00:13:21,868
Do I look like a child?
311
00:13:21,870 --> 00:13:25,171
No, but thanks to Brooke, I do.
312
00:13:26,841 --> 00:13:28,975
And thanks to me,
313
00:13:28,977 --> 00:13:31,311
she wants to go out
with you again.
314
00:13:31,313 --> 00:13:33,396
She wants to go out
with me again?
315
00:13:33,398 --> 00:13:34,547
What did she say?
316
00:13:34,549 --> 00:13:36,816
You want to rap about it?
317
00:13:38,069 --> 00:13:41,738
She said that she would call you
in a few days,
318
00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:44,824
and that my balls
would stop burning by tomorrow.
319
00:13:44,826 --> 00:13:46,076
Or wait.
320
00:13:46,078 --> 00:13:48,828
Was it that she would call you
tomorrow,
321
00:13:48,830 --> 00:13:51,648
and my balls would stop burning
in a few days?
322
00:13:51,650 --> 00:13:53,667
Let me know when she calls.
323
00:13:53,669 --> 00:13:54,884
Okay?
324
00:13:54,886 --> 00:13:57,587
Thank you. Thank you from
the bottom of my heart.
325
00:13:57,589 --> 00:14:01,007
You are welcome
from the bottom of my scrotum.
326
00:14:05,013 --> 00:14:06,296
Wow. That was amazing.
327
00:14:07,716 --> 00:14:08,932
I got to tell you.
328
00:14:08,934 --> 00:14:10,800
The guy who built your hoo-hah
is an artist.
329
00:14:10,802 --> 00:14:12,102
Aw.
330
00:14:12,104 --> 00:14:14,271
He's like van Gogh,
but instead of cutting off ears,
331
00:14:14,273 --> 00:14:16,389
he's cutting off...
well, you know.
332
00:14:18,477 --> 00:14:20,360
Hey.
What?
333
00:14:20,362 --> 00:14:22,195
Can we talk about us?
334
00:14:22,197 --> 00:14:24,481
Oh, God, can't I...
can't I just buy you something?
335
00:14:24,483 --> 00:14:26,616
Well, gifts are
always welcome,
336
00:14:26,618 --> 00:14:31,071
but, uh, I was just wondering
if we were exclusive.
337
00:14:31,073 --> 00:14:32,989
Okay, look, Alan...
338
00:14:34,293 --> 00:14:37,460
...I like you, but I always...
I always promised myself
339
00:14:37,462 --> 00:14:40,413
that if I had the courage
to become a real woman,
340
00:14:40,415 --> 00:14:42,415
that that woman...
341
00:14:42,417 --> 00:14:44,450
would be a total slut.
342
00:14:44,452 --> 00:14:46,970
Okay, so-so...
so, just to clarify...
343
00:14:46,972 --> 00:14:48,054
Mm-hmm.
344
00:14:48,056 --> 00:14:50,840
...you... or me are free
345
00:14:50,842 --> 00:14:53,176
to date anybody else,
anybody in the world?
346
00:14:53,178 --> 00:14:54,561
Yes.
347
00:14:54,563 --> 00:14:56,295
Okay, if that's what you want.
348
00:15:06,090 --> 00:15:08,525
Oh, hey, you look great.
349
00:15:08,527 --> 00:15:09,926
No, I don't.
350
00:15:09,928 --> 00:15:11,828
I've tried on, like,
a hundred outfits.
351
00:15:11,830 --> 00:15:13,997
Butch, femme, lipstick, pixie.
352
00:15:13,999 --> 00:15:15,832
There was even a dark moment
353
00:15:15,834 --> 00:15:18,251
where I was wearing
one of Alan's polos.
354
00:15:18,253 --> 00:15:20,253
Oh, actually,
they're called "polas."
355
00:15:20,255 --> 00:15:22,989
He buys them at a gas station.
356
00:15:22,991 --> 00:15:25,258
If you look close,
the guy's not playing polo.
357
00:15:25,260 --> 00:15:27,093
It's a gardener riding a donkey.
358
00:15:27,095 --> 00:15:29,779
I'm a nervous wreck.
359
00:15:29,781 --> 00:15:31,765
Oh, come on.
You're going to be fine.
360
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:33,633
Just be yourself.
Right.
361
00:15:33,635 --> 00:15:37,220
Right. Right,
just be myself.
362
00:15:37,222 --> 00:15:39,489
W.W.J.D.?
363
00:15:39,491 --> 00:15:42,992
What would Jenny drink?
364
00:15:42,994 --> 00:15:45,612
I don't think
that alcohol is the answer.
365
00:15:45,614 --> 00:15:48,347
Well, clearly,
you don't know the question.
366
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:53,153
On vodka, on soda,
367
00:15:53,155 --> 00:15:55,989
on blender, on mixer!
368
00:15:55,991 --> 00:15:58,908
Okay, I'm just gonna go back
to blowing myself.
369
00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:07,033
So, uh, did you ask Santa
for anything special this year?
370
00:16:07,035 --> 00:16:10,036
Oh, just someone
to stuff my stocking.
371
00:16:10,038 --> 00:16:12,505
Oh. Someone's on
the naughty list.
372
00:16:12,507 --> 00:16:16,209
Well, I hope that won't keep me
from getting a nice big package.
373
00:16:16,211 --> 00:16:18,228
Oh, don't you worry.
374
00:16:18,230 --> 00:16:21,147
I'm sure Santa's got something
in his sack for you.
375
00:16:21,149 --> 00:16:23,433
Ooh, look
who's on the naughty list now.
376
00:16:24,569 --> 00:16:25,769
But you have to be careful
377
00:16:25,771 --> 00:16:27,386
about shipping rates
around the holidays.
378
00:16:27,388 --> 00:16:30,106
You could pay extra
for a package that's oversized
379
00:16:30,108 --> 00:16:32,692
or an irregular shape.
380
00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,579
Rachel?
381
00:16:36,581 --> 00:16:38,581
Paula?
382
00:16:38,583 --> 00:16:40,733
Alan? What's going on here?
383
00:16:40,735 --> 00:16:43,036
Uh, well, this is a...
an awkward coincidence.
384
00:16:43,038 --> 00:16:45,538
It's not a coincidence.
I come here every Friday night,
385
00:16:45,540 --> 00:16:47,540
and she knows it.
Oh, this is completely innocent.
386
00:16:47,542 --> 00:16:50,009
Oh, please. You're wearing
my screw-me pumps!
387
00:16:50,011 --> 00:16:52,462
That's funny.
Uh, I have a screw-me pump, too.
388
00:16:52,464 --> 00:16:55,765
I only need it
when I'm drinking too much.
389
00:16:57,051 --> 00:16:59,385
All the women in the world,
and you have to pick my ex-wife?
390
00:16:59,387 --> 00:17:01,888
Uh, first of all,
I don't actually get to pick.
391
00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:04,224
I'm more of a
take-what-comes kind of guy.
392
00:17:04,226 --> 00:17:06,259
Besides, you said
we weren't exclusive.
393
00:17:06,261 --> 00:17:08,361
Oh.
Yeah, he can date whoever he wants.
394
00:17:08,363 --> 00:17:10,429
Okay, you only brought him here
to make me jealous.
395
00:17:10,431 --> 00:17:11,781
Oh, please. Don't
flatter yourself.
396
00:17:11,783 --> 00:17:14,100
Okay, let's all...
let's just calm down here.
397
00:17:14,102 --> 00:17:16,035
Hey, I see it now.
398
00:17:16,037 --> 00:17:17,620
You guys do have the same boobs.
399
00:17:22,076 --> 00:17:24,077
Jenny?
400
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:26,129
Are you okay?
401
00:17:26,131 --> 00:17:28,281
I'll be right there.
402
00:17:30,167 --> 00:17:32,919
Can you knock again
so I can find the door?
403
00:17:32,921 --> 00:17:34,420
Okay, I'm coming in.
404
00:17:34,422 --> 00:17:35,972
Hey.
405
00:17:35,974 --> 00:17:37,257
Hey, Walden!
406
00:17:37,259 --> 00:17:38,591
Are you drunk?
407
00:17:38,593 --> 00:17:41,728
No, I only had one drink.
408
00:17:41,730 --> 00:17:43,930
Okay, I went to a lot
of trouble for you,
409
00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:46,432
and you are going
on this date.
410
00:17:46,434 --> 00:17:48,234
Why do you care so much?
411
00:17:48,236 --> 00:17:50,436
Well, I can give you
a bro-zilian reasons why.
412
00:17:50,438 --> 00:17:51,771
Now, come on.
413
00:17:51,773 --> 00:17:54,407
Let's get you sobered up.
Okay, let me just use
414
00:17:54,409 --> 00:17:56,075
the bathroom
real quick.
415
00:17:56,077 --> 00:17:58,828
Jenny?
416
00:17:58,830 --> 00:18:00,530
That's not the bathroom.
417
00:18:00,532 --> 00:18:02,699
Too late.
418
00:18:03,817 --> 00:18:05,201
How could you do this to me?
419
00:18:05,203 --> 00:18:08,321
It hurts losing the man of
your dreams, doesn't it?
420
00:18:08,323 --> 00:18:10,423
Please. Alan is not
the man of my dreams.
421
00:18:10,425 --> 00:18:11,958
He's just the only guy
who didn't think
422
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,960
an inside-out wiener
was a deal breaker.
423
00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:18,164
I've also been told
I have nice eyes, but okay.
424
00:18:18,166 --> 00:18:21,434
Well, you were the
man of my dreams.
425
00:18:21,436 --> 00:18:23,502
Don't you see
what's going on here?
426
00:18:23,504 --> 00:18:25,271
You still care for her,
427
00:18:25,273 --> 00:18:27,340
and you're just trying
to make her jealous
428
00:18:27,342 --> 00:18:29,776
by dating a sexy, handsome,
well-endowed man.
429
00:18:31,011 --> 00:18:32,946
I do still have feelings
for you.
430
00:18:32,948 --> 00:18:34,564
And you still have feelings
for her,
431
00:18:34,566 --> 00:18:37,317
despite taking a lover whose
charm and wit is only matched
432
00:18:37,319 --> 00:18:39,319
by his unbridled passion
in the boudoir.
433
00:18:39,321 --> 00:18:42,355
I do miss you.
434
00:18:42,357 --> 00:18:44,157
I miss you, too.
435
00:18:45,226 --> 00:18:47,526
Oh, how nice is this?
436
00:18:47,528 --> 00:18:48,828
You two should kiss.
437
00:18:48,830 --> 00:18:51,864
Come here.
438
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,035
You two are probably gonna want
a picture of this.
439
00:19:00,758 --> 00:19:03,542
Let's get some
coffee in you.
440
00:19:03,544 --> 00:19:08,481
Okay, I'll have
a half-caff Zach Braff.
441
00:19:10,234 --> 00:19:12,385
Oh.
442
00:19:12,387 --> 00:19:13,486
Perfect.
443
00:19:15,707 --> 00:19:17,774
It's a tale as old as time.
444
00:19:17,776 --> 00:19:21,494
Don't wax your ass to help
your roommate's lesbian niece.
445
00:19:22,980 --> 00:19:24,380
Hey, Waldo!
446
00:19:25,449 --> 00:19:28,418
Hi, Baldo.
447
00:19:30,371 --> 00:19:31,955
Brooke, are you drunk?
448
00:19:31,957 --> 00:19:34,540
No, I'm merloaded.
449
00:19:34,542 --> 00:19:36,759
You drank
that whole bottle yourself?
450
00:19:36,761 --> 00:19:40,413
It's okay. I'm gonna
eat later. Shh.
451
00:19:42,866 --> 00:19:44,467
Come on.
452
00:19:44,469 --> 00:19:47,053
I'm sorry.
453
00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:49,856
I never do second dates,
454
00:19:49,858 --> 00:19:52,442
and I was nervous
'cause I really like Jenny.
455
00:19:52,444 --> 00:19:54,644
Hello. Hey, there's Jenny!
456
00:19:54,646 --> 00:19:56,779
Okay, nap date.
457
00:19:56,781 --> 00:19:58,931
Uh, good idea. Mm.
458
00:20:01,135 --> 00:20:03,119
How cute.
459
00:20:03,121 --> 00:20:06,522
It's like two drunk,
gay puppies.
460
00:20:08,742 --> 00:20:11,961
Ah. They're gonna want
a picture of this later.
461
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:17,450
♪ Men.
462
00:20:24,612 --> 00:20:27,188
'Twas the night
before Christmas
463
00:20:27,189 --> 00:20:31,040
when all down the beach
not a creature was stirring,
464
00:20:31,042 --> 00:20:33,392
not even a leech.
465
00:20:33,394 --> 00:20:36,229
Alan was nestled,
all snug in his bed,
466
00:20:36,231 --> 00:20:40,116
while visions of lesbians
danced in his head.
467
00:20:40,118 --> 00:20:44,070
Brooke and Jenny were sleeping,
a long winter's nap,
468
00:20:44,072 --> 00:20:47,240
surrounded by bottles
with nary a cap.
469
00:20:47,242 --> 00:20:49,242
Jenny was nervous
and frightened,
470
00:20:49,244 --> 00:20:51,261
but took a big chance.
471
00:20:51,263 --> 00:20:55,581
She let Brooke in her heart,
as well as her pants.
472
00:20:55,583 --> 00:20:59,002
While Berta in her vest
and I in my hattie
473
00:20:59,004 --> 00:21:01,254
had just baked our brains out
474
00:21:01,256 --> 00:21:04,257
with a big Christmas fatty.
475
00:21:04,259 --> 00:21:08,111
We started to doze,
we hadn't a care.
476
00:21:08,113 --> 00:21:12,507
Happy Christmas to all.
My balls have no hair.
477
00:21:12,694 --> 00:21:17,694
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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