1
00:00:01,600 --> 00:00:03,984
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:06,037 --> 00:00:08,022
We got to go.
3
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We just got here.
4
00:00:09,241 --> 00:00:11,808
Yeah, I know, but I got to go.
5
00:00:12,477 --> 00:00:14,444
The sit-down "go."
6
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No, I am... I am tired
of being a slave
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00:00:16,865 --> 00:00:18,615
to your fear
of public bathrooms.
8
00:00:18,617 --> 00:00:20,334
Do you know what people do
in there?
9
00:00:20,336 --> 00:00:22,452
They go to the bathroom.
10
00:00:22,454 --> 00:00:25,255
Exactly. It's-It's not the seat
as much as...
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00:00:25,257 --> 00:00:27,624
the splash.
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You have ruined a lot of things
that I enjoy,
13
00:00:29,795 --> 00:00:32,162
and I am not gonna let you
take pooping from me.
14
00:00:32,164 --> 00:00:35,098
Oh, fine, but every time
you use a public bathroom,
15
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you are putting your ass
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against every other ass
that has ever been there.
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See this guy?
18
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I might as well rub
my naked butt all over his.
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And he took pooping from me.
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Excuse me. Walden?
21
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Yes?
22
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I-I'm sure
you don't remember me,
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but I used to work for you.
24
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Sorry, I don't
remember your name.
25
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It's Nicole, but you'd always
call me Michelle.
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Right! Michelle!
27
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Yeah.
Hey.
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How you doing?
I-I haven't seen you
29
00:01:05,581 --> 00:01:06,863
around the office in a while.
30
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Yeah, I stopped going in
after you fired me.
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Oh. Wow.
32
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That is...
33
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Are you here to kill me?
34
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I'm actually trying to get
a tech start-up off the ground.
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Or as my mom calls it,
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wasting 20 hours a day
in the garage
37
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and not giving her grandkids.
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Let me guess:
You're looking for help.
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With the company,
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not the grandkids.
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I mean, not that
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I wouldn't want to...
with you...
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Can you talk now?
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I am looking for help...
with the company.
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I'll let you know
about the grandkids.
46
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Well, I would love
to hear about it.
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Why don't you call my office,
and we'll set something up?
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Yeah, when I worked for you,
I was kind of in charge
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So you get it.
50
00:01:55,130 --> 00:01:57,247
Look, 15 years ago,
51
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you cornered Bill Gates
in a steam room,
52
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and you pitched him the idea
for Blungogo.com,
53
00:02:01,970 --> 00:02:04,587
and six months later,
you were a billionaire.
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Yeah, what you don't know is
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that I also got Tased
in the nuts
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by a security guard named Randy.
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Look, I think
I have a really good idea.
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Everything you need
to know is right in here.
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Okay. I'll take a look at it.
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Thank you.
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I didn't even have to get
Tased in the lady nuts.
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I still might Tase you later.
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Oh, it's not weird.
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We-we know each other.
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I fired her.
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I couldn't do it.
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We got to go. Now. Now!
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What?
69
00:02:36,588 --> 00:02:38,055
This is not a drill!
70
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Code brown!
Code brown!
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I wonder if I could train him
to go in the yard.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
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♪ Two and a Half Men 11x11 ♪
Tazed in the Lady Nuts
Original Air Date on January 2, 2014
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00:02:56,500 --> 00:03:01,500
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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♪ Men. ♪
77
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Wow.
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Oh.
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00:03:08,918 --> 00:03:10,951
Yeah, that was fun.
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Two thumbs up.
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Felt like more than that.
82
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Hey, uh, thanks
for letting me stay over.
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00:03:19,161 --> 00:03:20,795
Thanks for letting
me stay under.
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00:03:20,797 --> 00:03:23,681
Mmm.
85
00:03:23,683 --> 00:03:24,849
You know, I've been thinking--
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we've been doing this
for a couple of weeks,
87
00:03:26,836 --> 00:03:28,502
and I don't know
that much about you.
88
00:03:28,504 --> 00:03:30,504
Well, you know all
the important things.
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00:03:30,506 --> 00:03:32,923
My favorite color's pink,
my favorite singer is Pink,
90
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my favorite
body part is...
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00:03:34,227 --> 00:03:36,393
Okay, fine.
If you don't want to talk,
92
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we don't have to talk.
93
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No, I'm kidding.
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Come on, ask me anything.
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Tell me about your family.
What's your mom like?
96
00:03:42,685 --> 00:03:45,035
Well, she's very,
very pretty.
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Mm-hmm.
Not too bright.
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Her boyfriend went
to Harvard Law School,
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00:03:48,775 --> 00:03:51,525
and then broke up with her,
because he wanted a Jackie,
100
00:03:51,527 --> 00:03:53,461
and she was more
of a Marilyn,
101
00:03:53,463 --> 00:03:56,831
so she decided to
study real hard...
102
00:03:56,833 --> 00:03:57,998
Hold on a second.
103
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,583
That's the plot
to Legally Blonde.
104
00:03:59,585 --> 00:04:02,553
You saw that, huh?
105
00:04:02,555 --> 00:04:06,557
Uh, all right, I'll-I'll...
I'll tell you the truth.
106
00:04:06,559 --> 00:04:09,310
My mom is a
beautiful prostitute.
107
00:04:09,312 --> 00:04:11,228
Oh.
And my dad,
108
00:04:11,230 --> 00:04:12,413
Richard Gere...
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You're unbelievable.
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Cut me some slack!
111
00:04:17,820 --> 00:04:20,738
I grew up in a town
that didn't allow dancing!
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♪ Men. ♪
113
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Mm. Good morning.
114
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Actually, it's a great morning.
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Somebody gave me
a billion-dollar idea.
116
00:04:30,232 --> 00:04:31,832
Oh, you got my e-mail.
117
00:04:34,636 --> 00:04:35,836
You know, with my idea.
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The app that helps you find
a clean public restroom
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00:04:37,957 --> 00:04:39,340
anywhere in the world.
120
00:04:40,625 --> 00:04:42,910
I called it "Crapster."
121
00:04:42,912 --> 00:04:45,513
Yeah, as good of an idea
as that is,
122
00:04:45,515 --> 00:04:47,581
and actually, it's not that bad,
123
00:04:47,583 --> 00:04:50,417
I'm talking
about thought-recognition.
124
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Thought-control computing.
125
00:04:52,638 --> 00:04:54,254
Imagine you want to send a text,
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00:04:54,256 --> 00:04:56,357
but, uh, you don't want
to take your phone out.
127
00:04:56,359 --> 00:04:58,592
Or, imagine you want
to change the channel on the TV,
128
00:04:58,594 --> 00:04:59,727
but you don't have a remote.
129
00:04:59,729 --> 00:05:01,145
Imagine
you're in a strange city,
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00:05:01,147 --> 00:05:02,847
and you can't find
a clean bathroom.
131
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Imagine you're in Italy,
132
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and you have to "arriva-doody."
133
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You know what?
134
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Here is a hundred dollars.
135
00:05:13,059 --> 00:05:14,859
I just bought your idea.
136
00:05:14,861 --> 00:05:16,927
Now, stop talking about it.
137
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Deal. Looks like I am getting
that filling after all.
138
00:05:21,951 --> 00:05:24,101
Morning.
Good morning.
139
00:05:24,103 --> 00:05:25,502
Oh, hey, morning.
140
00:05:25,504 --> 00:05:27,004
What are you guys up to today?
141
00:05:27,006 --> 00:05:29,139
I don't know.
Maybe we'll go to a bar
142
00:05:29,141 --> 00:05:30,391
and let guys buy us drinks
143
00:05:30,393 --> 00:05:32,309
if we're willing
to make out with each other.
144
00:05:32,311 --> 00:05:33,661
Wait.
145
00:05:33,663 --> 00:05:34,762
Is-is that a thing?
146
00:05:34,764 --> 00:05:37,014
You and I should run that scam
with girls.
147
00:05:40,452 --> 00:05:41,602
Hey, I've got an idea.
148
00:05:41,604 --> 00:05:43,303
Let's go for a hike
in the canyon.
149
00:05:43,305 --> 00:05:45,739
I'd rather stay home
and yodel in your canyon.
150
00:05:47,275 --> 00:05:49,910
♪ Yodel-ay-hee hoo-ha!
151
00:05:52,163 --> 00:05:54,615
Come on, let's get
some fresh air, hang out.
152
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Just the two of us.
153
00:05:55,818 --> 00:05:59,286
Uh, yeah. Yeah, why not?
Sounds great.
154
00:05:59,288 --> 00:06:01,168
Do you guys want to join us?
155
00:06:01,756 --> 00:06:03,007
Sure.
156
00:06:03,009 --> 00:06:05,593
You can never have
too much wood in the forest.
157
00:06:05,595 --> 00:06:07,027
I can't. I'm busy.
158
00:06:07,029 --> 00:06:08,429
Always busy.
159
00:06:08,431 --> 00:06:11,131
I can't remember the last time
this one took me anywhere.
160
00:06:11,133 --> 00:06:14,101
Hey, uh, Jenny,
161
00:06:14,103 --> 00:06:15,269
here's a hundred dollars.
162
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Lose him in the forest.
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♪ Men. ♪
164
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Yes?
165
00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:25,178
Yeah, I'm looking for Nicole.
166
00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:27,214
Are you my new dad?
167
00:06:27,216 --> 00:06:28,716
Excuse me?
168
00:06:28,718 --> 00:06:30,584
It's a joke.
Try to keep up.
169
00:06:30,586 --> 00:06:31,885
Who are you?
170
00:06:31,887 --> 00:06:33,687
I'm Walden Schmidt.
171
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Holy Schmidt!
172
00:06:41,379 --> 00:06:42,746
Oh, my God.
173
00:06:42,748 --> 00:06:45,032
Mr. Schmidt,
it is such an honor to meet you.
174
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I have a poster of you.
175
00:06:46,302 --> 00:06:47,701
A poster?
176
00:06:47,703 --> 00:06:49,003
Yeah, yeah, check it out.
177
00:06:49,005 --> 00:06:50,721
I made it in college.
178
00:06:50,723 --> 00:06:53,974
Wow. It's, uh...
179
00:06:53,976 --> 00:06:56,143
Wow.
180
00:06:56,145 --> 00:06:58,378
I cut and pasted Laura Dern's
hair onto your face.
181
00:06:58,380 --> 00:06:59,880
It's pretty breathtaking, right?
182
00:06:59,882 --> 00:07:02,716
I'm sorry... uh, who are you?
183
00:07:02,718 --> 00:07:04,051
Oh, uh, I-I'm Barry.
Barry Foster.
184
00:07:04,053 --> 00:07:06,820
But you can call me "BF,"
as in your biggest fan.
185
00:07:08,107 --> 00:07:09,239
Walden!
186
00:07:09,241 --> 00:07:11,241
Nicole, hi.
187
00:07:11,243 --> 00:07:12,743
I read your proposal.
188
00:07:12,745 --> 00:07:14,611
I'm interested.
189
00:07:14,613 --> 00:07:15,913
Really?
190
00:07:15,915 --> 00:07:18,032
This is amazing.
191
00:07:18,034 --> 00:07:19,366
This is amazing.
192
00:07:19,368 --> 00:07:21,201
Oh, my fan fiction's come true.
193
00:07:21,203 --> 00:07:22,836
Barry,
194
00:07:22,838 --> 00:07:23,904
we talked about this.
195
00:07:23,906 --> 00:07:26,090
Right, right.
Boundaries.
196
00:07:27,959 --> 00:07:30,077
All right, here's-here's
what I'm prepared to do.
197
00:07:30,079 --> 00:07:34,181
In return for 51%
of your company,
198
00:07:34,183 --> 00:07:38,686
and him never
hugging me again,
199
00:07:38,688 --> 00:07:40,921
I will back
your project.
200
00:07:40,923 --> 00:07:42,523
I don't think I can do that.
201
00:07:42,525 --> 00:07:44,441
Neither do I.
202
00:07:44,443 --> 00:07:45,025
Barry!
203
00:07:45,027 --> 00:07:46,727
Okay.
204
00:07:46,729 --> 00:07:48,479
Look, I can't give up control.
205
00:07:48,481 --> 00:07:50,531
This company is my baby.
206
00:07:50,533 --> 00:07:53,450
But I will sell you
a minority share
207
00:07:53,452 --> 00:07:55,819
if you agree to work
as my product engineer.
208
00:07:55,821 --> 00:07:57,538
Oh, product engineer?
209
00:07:57,540 --> 00:07:59,573
I mean, do I look like Barry?
210
00:07:59,575 --> 00:08:00,908
No offense, Barry.
211
00:08:00,910 --> 00:08:03,127
Did you hear that?
He knows my name.
212
00:08:03,129 --> 00:08:05,996
I'm sorry, that's all
I can offer you.
213
00:08:05,998 --> 00:08:07,331
Well, then it's a pass.
214
00:08:07,333 --> 00:08:08,999
All right, thanks
for stopping by.
215
00:08:09,001 --> 00:08:11,835
No, no, no, come on, this
isn't how the story ends.
216
00:08:11,837 --> 00:08:13,954
Hold on. Th...
217
00:08:13,956 --> 00:08:16,640
That's it?
No negotiating?
218
00:08:16,642 --> 00:08:18,008
You heard my offer.
219
00:08:18,010 --> 00:08:19,760
There's also a
supplemental offer--
220
00:08:19,762 --> 00:08:21,895
uh, best friends for life.
221
00:08:22,731 --> 00:08:25,432
All right, wait.
All right, fine. I...
222
00:08:25,434 --> 00:08:27,634
I will... work for you,
223
00:08:27,636 --> 00:08:30,270
but I still need
a majority position.
224
00:08:30,272 --> 00:08:31,488
Good-bye, Mr. Schmidt.
225
00:08:31,490 --> 00:08:35,159
What are you, like, some
kind of evil Bond villain?
226
00:08:35,161 --> 00:08:37,144
All right... all right,
all right, fine!
227
00:08:37,146 --> 00:08:39,163
Deal.
228
00:08:40,365 --> 00:08:43,167
I'll... be your number two.
229
00:08:43,169 --> 00:08:44,835
Well...
230
00:08:44,837 --> 00:08:47,821
it'd actually be
number three, but...
231
00:08:49,174 --> 00:08:50,758
♪ Men. ♪
232
00:08:50,760 --> 00:08:52,259
Oh, thank God.
233
00:08:53,462 --> 00:08:54,762
I'm coming, Charlie.
234
00:08:54,764 --> 00:08:57,998
I hope you have a guest room
in heaven.
235
00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,349
You shouldn't
feel so bad.
236
00:08:59,351 --> 00:09:02,102
He's in pretty good shape
for a guy in his 60's.
237
00:09:02,104 --> 00:09:03,837
He's 45.
238
00:09:03,839 --> 00:09:05,172
Whoa.
239
00:09:05,174 --> 00:09:07,858
I'll be right back.
240
00:09:07,860 --> 00:09:10,778
Ah... uh... do you mind?
241
00:09:10,780 --> 00:09:12,279
Actually...
242
00:09:12,281 --> 00:09:15,032
Aah! It burns!
It burns!
243
00:09:15,034 --> 00:09:17,451
That's because it's vodka.
244
00:09:17,453 --> 00:09:19,453
Who brings vodka on a hike?
245
00:09:19,455 --> 00:09:21,705
Someone who thinks
hikes should be fun.
246
00:09:21,707 --> 00:09:24,708
Okay, that's it,
I'm packing it in.
247
00:09:24,710 --> 00:09:26,126
I think I saw a mom with a
stroller.
248
00:09:26,128 --> 00:09:27,411
I'm gonna hitch a ride
back downhill.
249
00:09:27,413 --> 00:09:29,163
No, no, no, no, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
250
00:09:29,165 --> 00:09:30,697
Don't leave me alone
with Brooke.
251
00:09:30,699 --> 00:09:33,333
What? Why not?
She's great.
252
00:09:33,335 --> 00:09:34,751
Well, here's the thing.
253
00:09:34,753 --> 00:09:37,537
She's-she's...
she's always trying to...
254
00:09:37,539 --> 00:09:39,756
get to know me.
255
00:09:39,758 --> 00:09:41,758
That bitch.
256
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,144
She's always asking me
these-these personal things.
257
00:09:44,146 --> 00:09:45,596
You know?
258
00:09:45,598 --> 00:09:47,815
"What are your dreams?"
"What was your childhood like?"
259
00:09:47,817 --> 00:09:49,233
"What's your last name?"
260
00:09:49,235 --> 00:09:51,018
You are just like your dad.
261
00:09:51,020 --> 00:09:52,486
He'd never open up to anybody
262
00:09:52,488 --> 00:09:54,188
'cause he was afraid
of rejection,
263
00:09:54,190 --> 00:09:55,989
so he'd reject them first.
264
00:09:55,991 --> 00:09:58,108
I don't want to
reject Brooke.
265
00:09:58,110 --> 00:09:59,776
So, let her in.
266
00:09:59,778 --> 00:10:02,246
If you don't take a chance,
you haven't got one.
267
00:10:02,248 --> 00:10:03,947
Do you think I really believed
268
00:10:03,949 --> 00:10:05,916
that a complete stranger
would let me live
269
00:10:05,918 --> 00:10:07,751
in his Malibu beach house
forever?
270
00:10:07,753 --> 00:10:10,537
No. But I took a chance,
and it paid off.
271
00:10:10,539 --> 00:10:13,090
♪ Men. ♪
272
00:10:13,092 --> 00:10:16,426
Everybody get up,
everybody get up...
273
00:10:16,428 --> 00:10:18,629
♪ Hey, hey, hey
274
00:10:18,631 --> 00:10:20,764
♪ Hey, hey, hey
275
00:10:20,766 --> 00:10:22,299
♪ Hey, hey, hey...
276
00:10:22,301 --> 00:10:24,601
Hey, hey, hey!
277
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,637
Oh, sorry.
278
00:10:26,639 --> 00:10:27,888
Sometimes
when I'm writing code,
279
00:10:27,890 --> 00:10:30,107
I get kind of lost
in my dope jams.
280
00:10:30,109 --> 00:10:32,592
Well, if you're gonna play
music, just play it out loud.
281
00:10:32,594 --> 00:10:34,194
You got it, number three.
282
00:10:34,196 --> 00:10:35,646
♪ Talk about getting blasted
283
00:10:35,648 --> 00:10:38,431
♪ I hate these blurred lines
284
00:10:38,433 --> 00:10:40,234
♪ I know you want it
285
00:10:40,236 --> 00:10:41,702
♪ I know you want it
286
00:10:41,704 --> 00:10:44,488
♪ I know you want it,
but you're ♪
287
00:10:44,490 --> 00:10:46,123
♪ A good girl
288
00:10:46,125 --> 00:10:48,742
♪ The way you grab me
289
00:10:48,744 --> 00:10:50,443
♪ Talkin' 'bout gettin' nasty ♪
290
00:10:50,445 --> 00:10:52,045
♪ Go ahead, get at me
291
00:10:52,047 --> 00:10:52,963
♪ Everybody get up
292
00:10:52,965 --> 00:10:54,581
♪ What do they make dreams for
293
00:10:54,583 --> 00:10:56,166
♪ When you got them jeans on
294
00:10:56,168 --> 00:10:58,168
♪ What do we need steam for
295
00:10:58,170 --> 00:10:59,619
♪ You the hottest bitch
296
00:10:59,621 --> 00:11:01,638
♪ In this place
Hey, hey, hey!
297
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,391
♪ You want to hug me...
298
00:11:07,296 --> 00:11:09,629
It was the new guy's idea.
I was...
299
00:11:09,631 --> 00:11:11,298
What's that, Barry?
I can't hear you
300
00:11:11,300 --> 00:11:13,133
from all the way under this bus.
301
00:11:14,135 --> 00:11:16,653
So, how's the code coming?
302
00:11:16,655 --> 00:11:18,471
Actually, you know,
I had a thought.
303
00:11:18,473 --> 00:11:21,992
Um, if we reconfigure
this kernel,
304
00:11:21,994 --> 00:11:24,361
we're gonna save
a lot of time and money.
305
00:11:24,363 --> 00:11:26,997
Yeah, it's-it's good.
306
00:11:26,999 --> 00:11:29,683
It's just,
uh... eh, it's-it's good.
307
00:11:29,685 --> 00:11:31,418
Wha-What do you think,
Barry?
308
00:11:31,420 --> 00:11:33,003
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
309
00:11:33,005 --> 00:11:36,006
It's-it's good. It's good.
310
00:11:36,008 --> 00:11:38,992
Why do you guys keep talking
with high voices?
311
00:11:38,994 --> 00:11:41,545
Why do you keep saying,
"It's good"?
312
00:11:41,547 --> 00:11:43,013
It is good.
313
00:11:43,015 --> 00:11:44,998
Just, you know, for...
314
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,883
mmm... 2002.
315
00:11:46,885 --> 00:11:48,018
Ouch.
316
00:11:48,020 --> 00:11:49,603
I believe the correct
terminology in 2002
317
00:11:49,605 --> 00:11:51,822
was, "Oh, snap."
318
00:11:51,824 --> 00:11:55,275
Okay. Um...
319
00:11:55,277 --> 00:11:57,778
you know, I've been... I've
been doing this for a...
320
00:11:57,780 --> 00:11:58,979
a really long time,
321
00:11:58,981 --> 00:12:01,348
and I've-I've been
really successful.
322
00:12:01,350 --> 00:12:04,451
I know. We studied you
in school.
323
00:12:04,453 --> 00:12:07,237
Oh, I get it. You guys... you
guys are saying that I'm old?
324
00:12:07,239 --> 00:12:09,389
No.
Yeah.
325
00:12:09,391 --> 00:12:13,360
I thought we were going
a different way.
326
00:12:13,362 --> 00:12:17,381
Look, I respect you
enormously, but...
327
00:12:17,383 --> 00:12:19,249
I got to go with my gut.
328
00:12:19,251 --> 00:12:21,418
Okay. No problem.
329
00:12:21,420 --> 00:12:22,753
You're the boss.
330
00:12:22,755 --> 00:12:23,820
Thank you.
331
00:12:23,822 --> 00:12:25,088
Now, who wants Chinese?
332
00:12:25,090 --> 00:12:27,257
Are you paying?
'Cause I forgot my wallet...
333
00:12:27,259 --> 00:12:28,842
Yes, Barry.
334
00:12:28,844 --> 00:12:31,728
Hey, I got one
just like him at home.
335
00:12:33,648 --> 00:12:36,049
Boy, oh, boy, you could cut
the sexual tension back there
336
00:12:36,051 --> 00:12:37,434
with a knife.
337
00:12:37,436 --> 00:12:38,935
Think she's into me?
338
00:12:38,937 --> 00:12:40,437
No, not you. Me.
339
00:12:40,439 --> 00:12:42,906
Me and her have had this whole
"will they, won't they" thing
340
00:12:42,908 --> 00:12:44,992
going on for some time now.
341
00:12:44,994 --> 00:12:46,576
So it's like a...
342
00:12:46,578 --> 00:12:48,561
Ross/Rachel thing?
343
00:12:48,563 --> 00:12:49,746
Who?
344
00:12:51,082 --> 00:12:52,449
Are those friends of yours?
345
00:12:52,451 --> 00:12:54,668
Oh, God. I am old.
346
00:12:56,237 --> 00:12:59,122
But with age comes wisdom.
347
00:13:00,459 --> 00:13:02,175
We're gonna do this my way.
348
00:13:02,177 --> 00:13:03,677
What?
349
00:13:03,679 --> 00:13:05,178
Nicole is wrong about the code.
350
00:13:05,180 --> 00:13:07,381
I'm sending you a file.
We're gonna rewrite it.
351
00:13:07,383 --> 00:13:08,799
Oh, this is bad.
352
00:13:08,801 --> 00:13:10,467
This is bad.
353
00:13:10,469 --> 00:13:11,768
I'm stuck between my hero
354
00:13:11,770 --> 00:13:14,054
and-and the future mother
of my children.
355
00:13:14,056 --> 00:13:15,639
Come on, Barry.
356
00:13:15,641 --> 00:13:18,859
Don't you want to be
on a poster with me?
357
00:13:18,861 --> 00:13:21,695
Hop on the eagle, man.
Let's soar together.
358
00:13:23,398 --> 00:13:25,432
I don't know. I don't...
I don't know.
359
00:13:25,434 --> 00:13:27,117
You know you want it.
360
00:13:28,403 --> 00:13:30,654
♪ You know you want it
361
00:13:30,656 --> 00:13:32,372
♪ You know
you want it ♪
362
00:13:32,374 --> 00:13:34,207
♪ I'm a good girl
363
00:13:34,209 --> 00:13:36,493
♪ Men. ♪
364
00:13:44,725 --> 00:13:46,159
♪ Men. ♪
Oh, good. You're home.
365
00:13:46,161 --> 00:13:47,410
I need to talk to you.
Oh,
366
00:13:47,412 --> 00:13:48,561
you know, actually, I'm not.
367
00:13:48,563 --> 00:13:50,229
I'm just here
for the essentials.
368
00:13:50,231 --> 00:13:53,950
Shower, change of clothes, bag
of performance-enhancing weed.
369
00:13:53,952 --> 00:13:55,568
Th-This won't take long.
370
00:13:55,570 --> 00:13:57,170
Uh, will you look
at this picture?
371
00:13:57,172 --> 00:13:59,072
Let me see.
372
00:13:59,074 --> 00:14:01,074
Was this taken
from the Mars rover?
373
00:14:01,076 --> 00:14:02,241
No, that's my balls.
374
00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:06,096
Dude! What the hell?
375
00:14:06,098 --> 00:14:08,414
They've been burning
ever since I went on that hike.
376
00:14:08,416 --> 00:14:09,966
Maybe somebody's talking
about 'em.
377
00:14:09,968 --> 00:14:12,469
No, I'm serious.
What could it be?
378
00:14:12,471 --> 00:14:14,354
I don't know.
What, like, poison oak?
379
00:14:14,356 --> 00:14:15,755
I did take a leak in the bushes.
380
00:14:15,757 --> 00:14:19,025
And yet you couldn't go
in a coffee shop.
381
00:14:19,027 --> 00:14:20,426
Just look at the picture.
382
00:14:20,428 --> 00:14:22,479
Yeah. Fine.
I can't believe I'm gonna...
383
00:14:22,481 --> 00:14:25,482
zoom in on your balls.
384
00:14:25,484 --> 00:14:27,751
I'm not gonna be able to...
385
00:14:27,753 --> 00:14:29,753
Oh, my God.
386
00:14:30,955 --> 00:14:31,955
It's a tick.
387
00:14:31,957 --> 00:14:33,106
What?
388
00:14:33,108 --> 00:14:35,492
You got a tick on your junk.
389
00:14:35,494 --> 00:14:37,610
Oh, God!
390
00:14:37,612 --> 00:14:39,796
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh, God!
391
00:14:39,798 --> 00:14:40,880
What's with him?
392
00:14:40,882 --> 00:14:43,133
He's got a tick on his 'nads.
393
00:14:43,135 --> 00:14:47,137
Huh. I never thought anything
could live off Zippy.
394
00:14:47,872 --> 00:14:50,340
♪ Men. ♪
395
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,761
I don't see how this is gonna
make us more productive,
396
00:14:54,763 --> 00:14:57,764
but I really don't care.
397
00:14:57,766 --> 00:15:00,066
And that is the beauty of pot.
398
00:15:00,068 --> 00:15:02,135
You got work to do,
you don't care.
399
00:15:02,137 --> 00:15:04,738
You got bills to pay,
you don't care.
400
00:15:04,740 --> 00:15:07,440
You see a picture
of your roommate's gonads...
401
00:15:07,442 --> 00:15:09,743
you care.
402
00:15:11,580 --> 00:15:14,697
But the image is fading.
403
00:15:14,699 --> 00:15:17,316
Yeah, marijuana is excellent.
404
00:15:17,318 --> 00:15:19,953
I don't know why I waited
this long to try it.
405
00:15:19,955 --> 00:15:22,005
Wait a second--
you've never been high before?
406
00:15:22,007 --> 00:15:24,507
I wanted it to be special.
And now I can tell everybody
407
00:15:24,509 --> 00:15:28,494
my first time
was with Walden Schmidt.
408
00:15:28,496 --> 00:15:29,763
Hey, when you tell that story,
409
00:15:29,765 --> 00:15:32,265
maybe throw in
a few more details.
410
00:15:33,801 --> 00:15:36,269
Hey, aren't you glad
we took a second to relax?
411
00:15:36,271 --> 00:15:37,837
Mmm. Totally.
412
00:15:37,839 --> 00:15:41,391
You know, I kind of forgot
the meaning of the word "relax""
413
00:15:41,393 --> 00:15:44,010
Relax, relax, relax.
414
00:15:44,012 --> 00:15:46,229
Oh, God. I don't remember
what it means either.
415
00:15:47,782 --> 00:15:49,449
I'm losing my words.
416
00:15:49,451 --> 00:15:50,850
No, this is exactly, exactly
417
00:15:50,852 --> 00:15:52,952
what the commercials
warned me about.
418
00:15:52,954 --> 00:15:54,571
Barry, calm down.
419
00:15:54,573 --> 00:15:57,690
Just take a deep breath,
close your eyes, count to ten.
420
00:15:57,692 --> 00:15:59,242
All right, I trust you
with my life.
421
00:15:59,244 --> 00:16:00,960
You're my best friend.
422
00:16:02,296 --> 00:16:03,630
One...
423
00:16:03,632 --> 00:16:06,032
two...
424
00:16:06,034 --> 00:16:08,635
Oh, my God, we have ice cream
sandwiches in the freezer.
425
00:16:09,753 --> 00:16:11,221
Hey, man, grab me one!
426
00:16:11,223 --> 00:16:13,539
Mmm, no,
grab me two!
427
00:16:13,541 --> 00:16:17,844
I want to make
an ice cream sandwich sandwich.
428
00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:19,896
That is an awesome idea.
429
00:16:23,484 --> 00:16:27,403
Are you staring at me
or am I just really paranoid?
430
00:16:27,405 --> 00:16:29,889
There's nothing
to be paranoid about.
431
00:16:30,858 --> 00:16:33,443
She's on to us. Abort.
I repeat, abort.
432
00:16:33,445 --> 00:16:35,895
I hate you.
433
00:16:37,248 --> 00:16:39,282
You don't.
You like me.
434
00:16:39,284 --> 00:16:41,501
You know what. Doesn't matter.
435
00:16:41,503 --> 00:16:45,455
Because I have a policy
about dating people I work with.
436
00:16:45,457 --> 00:16:48,708
Yeah, but it's
your policy, so...
437
00:16:48,710 --> 00:16:50,743
you can break it.
438
00:16:51,846 --> 00:16:53,429
You're the boss.
439
00:16:53,431 --> 00:16:55,915
I am, aren't I?
440
00:16:55,917 --> 00:16:59,886
I guess that makes me
the wo-man.
441
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:03,139
You guys.
442
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,058
I got great news.
443
00:17:05,060 --> 00:17:06,759
Ice cream sandwiches are
in the oven.
444
00:17:06,761 --> 00:17:08,194
They'll be ready in five.
445
00:17:08,196 --> 00:17:11,147
♪ Men. ♪
446
00:17:11,149 --> 00:17:12,699
You want a refill?
447
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:14,734
Uh, no, I-I don't want
to get drunk.
448
00:17:14,736 --> 00:17:17,103
Oh, my God, did I somehow
get you pregnant?
449
00:17:17,105 --> 00:17:19,289
I want to get
to know you better,
450
00:17:19,291 --> 00:17:21,824
and I don't want anything
to get in the way of that.
451
00:17:22,676 --> 00:17:24,627
I really like you. Um...
452
00:17:24,629 --> 00:17:25,995
That's new for me.
453
00:17:25,997 --> 00:17:28,214
Hey, I feel the exact same way.
454
00:17:28,216 --> 00:17:30,750
I've never felt this vulnerable
with someone.
455
00:17:30,752 --> 00:17:33,636
You know, when it didn't involve
a safe word.
456
00:17:33,638 --> 00:17:34,921
So what are we gonna do?
457
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:37,390
We can start by being honest
with each other.
458
00:17:37,392 --> 00:17:40,560
That's horrible.
Hey.
459
00:17:40,562 --> 00:17:42,729
Come on. Let's do this.
460
00:17:42,731 --> 00:17:45,982
Tell me a secret, something
you've never told anyone else.
461
00:17:45,984 --> 00:17:48,134
Something is wrong
with my balls.
462
00:17:49,970 --> 00:17:51,971
Something like that.
463
00:17:51,973 --> 00:17:54,490
I just... I-I had a tick
and I pulled it off
464
00:17:54,492 --> 00:17:55,658
and now they won't stop swelling
465
00:17:55,660 --> 00:17:57,527
and I'm afraid
they're gonna explode.
466
00:17:57,529 --> 00:17:59,495
So why are you telling us?
467
00:17:59,497 --> 00:18:01,281
Because Brooke works in a salon.
468
00:18:01,283 --> 00:18:04,083
She waxes people. Maybe she's
seen something like this before.
469
00:18:04,085 --> 00:18:05,484
All right, l-let's see.
470
00:18:05,986 --> 00:18:07,253
Oh!
471
00:18:07,255 --> 00:18:09,756
Oh...
472
00:18:09,758 --> 00:18:12,091
Boy, if I wasn't gay before...
473
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,595
♪ Men. ♪
474
00:18:15,597 --> 00:18:19,098
Check it out, dude.
475
00:18:23,187 --> 00:18:25,555
Where's your other hand
in that picture?
476
00:18:27,558 --> 00:18:28,791
What the hell?
477
00:18:28,793 --> 00:18:31,778
Three people can't fit
on an eagle.
478
00:18:33,464 --> 00:18:35,982
You-you changed my code.
479
00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:37,900
Yeah. I made it better.
480
00:18:37,902 --> 00:18:40,036
No, you didn't.
We went over this.
481
00:18:40,038 --> 00:18:43,522
Okay. Everybody who's
made a billion dollars
482
00:18:43,524 --> 00:18:45,858
off their software in this room,
raise your hand.
483
00:18:47,696 --> 00:18:49,963
Look at that. It's just me.
Okay.
484
00:18:49,965 --> 00:18:54,050
Everyone who owns 51% of
this company, raise their hand.
485
00:18:54,052 --> 00:18:57,420
Look at that. Just me.
486
00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:59,722
Everybody who's still
a little high
487
00:18:59,724 --> 00:19:01,557
and is worried that that's...
488
00:19:01,559 --> 00:19:04,477
never gonna stop,
raise your hand.
489
00:19:05,646 --> 00:19:08,147
Crap. That's just me.
490
00:19:08,149 --> 00:19:10,099
Listen, just go
491
00:19:10,101 --> 00:19:11,067
with me on this.
492
00:19:11,069 --> 00:19:13,219
No, I don't work
for you anymore.
493
00:19:13,221 --> 00:19:16,322
Okay, look, I know you think
you know what you're doing.
494
00:19:16,324 --> 00:19:19,192
But, trust me, you don't.
495
00:19:19,194 --> 00:19:22,728
And I know you think
you still work here,
496
00:19:22,730 --> 00:19:25,665
but, trust me, you don't.
497
00:19:26,950 --> 00:19:29,068
You're fired.
498
00:19:31,072 --> 00:19:33,572
Oh, snap.
499
00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:36,793
Look, I-I was just trying
to help.
500
00:19:36,795 --> 00:19:40,296
Well, it's gonna take me a day
to undo your "help."
501
00:19:40,298 --> 00:19:43,416
A day? Come on.
I can undo this in an hour.
502
00:19:45,436 --> 00:19:48,304
You should just...
you should just go, dude.
503
00:19:48,306 --> 00:19:50,139
Okay.
504
00:19:50,141 --> 00:19:51,858
Fine.
505
00:19:51,860 --> 00:19:53,142
If that's what you want.
506
00:19:53,144 --> 00:19:54,277
It is.
507
00:19:54,279 --> 00:19:57,196
Barry, it was an honor
to fly with you.
508
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:01,434
Honor was all mine.
509
00:20:02,286 --> 00:20:04,270
At ease.
510
00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:07,874
All right.
511
00:20:07,876 --> 00:20:09,292
Oh, uh, one last thing.
512
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:11,210
We're done.
513
00:20:11,212 --> 00:20:12,245
I don't work with you anymore.
514
00:20:12,247 --> 00:20:13,880
That's what
"you're fired" means.
515
00:20:13,882 --> 00:20:17,083
Good. So this isn't
a bad idea anymore.
516
00:20:25,142 --> 00:20:26,826
Can I be fired, too?
517
00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:29,479
♪ Men. ♪
518
00:20:34,294 --> 00:20:36,694
♪Men. ♪
519
00:20:36,783 --> 00:20:38,300
Okay.
Okay.
520
00:20:38,301 --> 00:20:40,518
Um, I just, uh, want
to point out that,
521
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,553
uh, due
to my engorged testicles,
522
00:20:42,555 --> 00:20:45,773
uh, my penis is not currently
to scale,
523
00:20:45,775 --> 00:20:47,158
so...
524
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:48,943
Yeah, yeah, here it is.
525
00:20:48,945 --> 00:20:50,912
When you pulled out the tick,
you didn't get all of it
526
00:20:50,914 --> 00:20:52,697
so it got inflamed.
Oh.
527
00:20:53,733 --> 00:20:55,066
It's like you're the Hulk,
528
00:20:55,068 --> 00:20:57,835
but only your balls got angry.
529
00:20:58,921 --> 00:21:01,205
You know, this is what
relationships are all about.
530
00:21:01,207 --> 00:21:05,293
Watching your girlfriend pull
a tick out of your uncle's junk.
531
00:21:05,295 --> 00:21:07,962
Aw. I'm your girlfriend?
532
00:21:09,798 --> 00:21:12,350
If it's a boy, name it Walden.
533
00:21:12,352 --> 00:21:17,352
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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