1
00:00:02,228 --> 00:00:03,862
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:05,364 --> 00:00:07,098
Are you eating
cookie dough?
3
00:00:07,100 --> 00:00:09,000
Yup. It's my favorite recipe.
4
00:00:09,002 --> 00:00:11,436
All you need
is cookie dough and weed.
5
00:00:11,438 --> 00:00:14,239
So the only thing
you have to bake is yourself.
6
00:00:14,241 --> 00:00:15,740
It's very efficient.
7
00:00:15,742 --> 00:00:19,010
It causes the munchies
and then immediately cures them.
8
00:00:19,012 --> 00:00:20,879
Hey.
9
00:00:20,881 --> 00:00:22,647
What do you know?
They found my car.
10
00:00:22,649 --> 00:00:24,115
You lost your car?
11
00:00:24,117 --> 00:00:26,184
What the hell's your
cookie dough laced with?
12
00:00:26,186 --> 00:00:28,019
No, I found this company
13
00:00:28,021 --> 00:00:31,022
and they help you
locate old vehicles.
14
00:00:31,024 --> 00:00:33,558
It's called
Dude, Where's My Car?
15
00:00:33,560 --> 00:00:35,427
So what's so great
about this thing?
16
00:00:35,429 --> 00:00:38,363
I don't know. It's my first car.
I got a lot of firsts in it.
17
00:00:38,365 --> 00:00:40,031
First time I learned to drive.
18
00:00:40,033 --> 00:00:42,667
First time I had sex.
19
00:00:42,669 --> 00:00:44,636
First time I had a condom break.
20
00:00:44,638 --> 00:00:46,905
First time I prayed.
21
00:00:46,907 --> 00:00:48,606
So you gonna buy this car?
22
00:00:48,608 --> 00:00:52,310
No. Some guy named
Dirk in Denver has it.
23
00:00:52,312 --> 00:00:53,511
So why go through all the effort
24
00:00:53,513 --> 00:00:55,280
of tracking it down
if you don't want it?
25
00:00:55,282 --> 00:00:56,681
Nostalgia?
26
00:00:56,683 --> 00:00:58,516
It's kind of like...
27
00:00:58,518 --> 00:01:00,218
looking up
your first girlfriend,
28
00:01:00,220 --> 00:01:02,053
or your high school
math teacher.
29
00:01:02,055 --> 00:01:05,290
For me,
those were one and the same.
30
00:01:05,292 --> 00:01:08,026
She still writes me
from prison.
31
00:01:09,061 --> 00:01:11,763
I think my math teacher
had a crush on my me, too.
32
00:01:11,765 --> 00:01:14,432
I mean, why else would he ask me
to take a shower
33
00:01:14,434 --> 00:01:16,167
after math team practice?
34
00:01:17,002 --> 00:01:18,937
Oh, oh, good, everybody's here.
35
00:01:18,939 --> 00:01:22,474
Uh, I would now like
to introduce my girlfriend,
36
00:01:22,476 --> 00:01:24,576
the very fetchin'
Gretchen.
37
00:01:24,578 --> 00:01:25,610
Hey, everybody.
38
00:01:25,612 --> 00:01:26,978
Hi, I'm Walden. It's nice
39
00:01:26,980 --> 00:01:28,379
to finally meet you.
Yeah.
40
00:01:28,381 --> 00:01:30,181
Alan, uh, told me that you work
41
00:01:30,183 --> 00:01:32,150
in an animal shelter
taking in strays.
42
00:01:32,818 --> 00:01:34,652
So we have
a lot in common.
43
00:01:34,654 --> 00:01:36,454
Yeah.
44
00:01:36,456 --> 00:01:37,989
Uh, this is my-my niece Jenny.
45
00:01:37,991 --> 00:01:38,990
Hi.
Hi.
46
00:01:38,992 --> 00:01:40,091
And we met.
47
00:01:40,093 --> 00:01:41,493
I'm Barry, Walden's
youthful ward.
48
00:01:41,495 --> 00:01:43,127
It's really nice
to meet all of you.
49
00:01:43,129 --> 00:01:44,362
God, this place
is amazing.
50
00:01:44,364 --> 00:01:46,030
How do you afford
the rent, Alan?
51
00:01:49,168 --> 00:01:50,301
What's so funny?
52
00:01:50,303 --> 00:01:52,670
Well, I-I don't pay rent,
per se.
53
00:01:52,672 --> 00:01:54,072
Or per month.
54
00:01:55,074 --> 00:01:56,574
Or per year.
55
00:01:56,576 --> 00:01:58,743
Really? No rent?
56
00:01:58,745 --> 00:02:00,044
How long has that
been going on?
57
00:02:00,046 --> 00:02:02,180
Three years with Walden,
eight years with my dad.
58
00:02:02,182 --> 00:02:05,950
You have been living here
for 11 years for free?
59
00:02:05,952 --> 00:02:06,985
Yeah.
60
00:02:06,987 --> 00:02:08,586
I have never
wanted you more.
61
00:02:09,689 --> 00:02:11,422
Who's my cheap daddy?
62
00:02:11,424 --> 00:02:13,458
Would you like to see
the bedroom I don't pay for?
63
00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:16,361
Would you like to see my boobs
I bought with a Groupon?
64
00:02:18,297 --> 00:02:20,798
Will you let me get
my grope on?
65
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:24,903
Nice to meet you, Gretchen.
Make yourself at home.
66
00:02:24,905 --> 00:02:26,771
I've got to stop
saying that.
67
00:02:26,773 --> 00:02:29,140
So, what do you say
we hop on your plane,
68
00:02:29,142 --> 00:02:31,643
head over to Denver
and at least look at this car?
69
00:02:31,645 --> 00:02:33,111
You know you want to.
70
00:02:33,113 --> 00:02:34,946
You guys just want
to go to Colorado
71
00:02:34,948 --> 00:02:36,080
'cause pot is legal there.
72
00:02:36,082 --> 00:02:38,616
What?
It's-It's legal?
73
00:02:38,618 --> 00:02:40,451
They legalized marijuana
in Colorado?
74
00:02:40,453 --> 00:02:43,521
You say up
to three ounces?
75
00:02:43,523 --> 00:02:46,424
Look, we're not going to Denver
to look at a car
76
00:02:46,426 --> 00:02:48,026
and bring home
three ounces of pot.
77
00:02:48,028 --> 00:02:49,861
Yeah, but if we go
with you,
78
00:02:49,863 --> 00:02:52,063
we can bring back
nine ounces.
79
00:02:52,065 --> 00:02:53,765
Fire up the jet.
80
00:02:55,167 --> 00:02:57,635
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
81
00:02:57,637 --> 00:02:59,728
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
82
00:02:59,729 --> 00:03:02,729
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x21 ♪
Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
Original Air Date on May 1, 2014
83
00:03:02,730 --> 00:03:07,730
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
84
00:03:07,731 --> 00:03:09,332
♪ Men. ♪
85
00:03:09,334 --> 00:03:14,504
Well, guess who just joined
the Mile High Club.
86
00:03:14,515 --> 00:03:17,283
No, it doesn't count
when you do it alone.
87
00:03:17,285 --> 00:03:20,453
Oh, it counted... twice.
88
00:03:20,455 --> 00:03:21,788
Up top.
89
00:03:21,790 --> 00:03:22,922
No!
90
00:03:22,924 --> 00:03:24,257
Not gonna happen.
91
00:03:25,759 --> 00:03:27,060
This is crazy.
92
00:03:27,062 --> 00:03:29,362
There's no way my old car
is worth the cost
93
00:03:29,364 --> 00:03:32,432
of flying all the way to Denver
and putting in a new bathroom.
94
00:03:34,435 --> 00:03:35,869
We can't turn back now.
95
00:03:35,871 --> 00:03:37,604
I canceled an audition
for this trip.
96
00:03:37,606 --> 00:03:38,938
You're kidding, right?
97
00:03:38,940 --> 00:03:41,875
The part was
Dead Junkie Number Two.
98
00:03:41,877 --> 00:03:46,012
Although, I did buy painkillers
to get into character.
99
00:03:46,014 --> 00:03:48,781
It doesn't matter
what the role is.
100
00:03:48,783 --> 00:03:50,984
This job leads to the next,
101
00:03:50,986 --> 00:03:53,720
and you're playing
Dead Junkie Number One.
102
00:03:53,722 --> 00:03:56,556
And before you know it,
you're playing a live junkie!
103
00:03:56,558 --> 00:03:58,224
And then what?
104
00:03:58,226 --> 00:03:59,559
Win a bunch of Oscars,
105
00:03:59,561 --> 00:04:02,295
get rich, fly around
on a private plane?
106
00:04:02,297 --> 00:04:04,397
Oh, look, I skipped to the end!
107
00:04:04,399 --> 00:04:06,666
So what kind of car
are we going to look at?
108
00:04:06,668 --> 00:04:09,002
You can thank me later
for changing the subject.
109
00:04:10,070 --> 00:04:12,105
It's a 1967 Mustang
110
00:04:12,107 --> 00:04:14,874
with a 289 V-8,
a Holley four-barrel carb
111
00:04:14,876 --> 00:04:15,975
and Positraction.
112
00:04:17,145 --> 00:04:18,545
What does that mean?
113
00:04:18,547 --> 00:04:21,915
I have no idea. My dad used
to say it all the time
114
00:04:21,917 --> 00:04:23,650
when we were working on the car.
115
00:04:24,618 --> 00:04:25,785
I like to think that it
116
00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:28,187
was one of his ways
of saying, "I love you."
117
00:04:28,189 --> 00:04:30,156
Another was,
"Why is Daddy's beer empty?"
118
00:04:30,158 --> 00:04:31,357
I totally get it.
119
00:04:31,359 --> 00:04:33,726
My dad's coded "I love you"
was, "Seriously?
120
00:04:33,728 --> 00:04:35,895
You can't catch a football
one damn time?"
121
00:04:38,966 --> 00:04:41,267
So you worked on this
with your dad.
122
00:04:41,269 --> 00:04:43,703
Apparently, there's an emotional
connection with this car.
123
00:04:43,705 --> 00:04:45,038
It's a mixed emotion.
124
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,907
It took us two years
to restore it.
125
00:04:47,909 --> 00:04:50,577
When it was finished,
it was cherry.
126
00:04:50,579 --> 00:04:53,012
Of course, Cherry was also
the name of the stripper
127
00:04:53,014 --> 00:04:55,815
that he drove off with
when he left me and my mom.
128
00:04:55,817 --> 00:04:57,684
Wait-- so why would you
want to buy something
129
00:04:57,686 --> 00:04:59,052
that caused you
so much pain?
130
00:04:59,054 --> 00:05:01,120
I mean, that'd be like me buying
the senior prom.
131
00:05:02,990 --> 00:05:05,191
It was on my 16th birthday.
132
00:05:05,193 --> 00:05:08,428
I go outside the house...
and there's that car
133
00:05:08,430 --> 00:05:10,063
sitting in the driveway.
134
00:05:10,065 --> 00:05:11,598
No sign of my dad, though.
135
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,099
It was still the best
birthday ever.
136
00:05:13,101 --> 00:05:15,635
Well, until my mom took a
baseball bat to the windshield.
137
00:05:15,637 --> 00:05:18,404
You know what my dad got me
for my 16th birthday?
138
00:05:18,406 --> 00:05:20,406
A box of condoms and a card
that said,
139
00:05:20,408 --> 00:05:22,475
"Don't make the same mistake
I did."
140
00:05:23,744 --> 00:05:25,144
He was a joker.
141
00:05:26,380 --> 00:05:27,981
How about you, Jenny?
142
00:05:29,416 --> 00:05:32,418
Oh, she would've nailed
Dead Junkie Number Two!
143
00:05:33,621 --> 00:05:35,655
♪ Men. ♪
144
00:05:35,657 --> 00:05:37,390
Oh! What a great idea:
145
00:05:37,392 --> 00:05:39,692
having sex in every
room in the house.
146
00:05:39,694 --> 00:05:42,328
Well, to be fair,
the laundry room was more you
147
00:05:42,330 --> 00:05:44,530
sitting on the dryer
while I took a breather.
148
00:05:44,532 --> 00:05:45,665
Yeah. Next time, I think
149
00:05:45,667 --> 00:05:47,734
I'm gonna throw in
a pair of snow boots.
150
00:05:47,736 --> 00:05:50,436
You know, boom-boom-boom-boom-boom!
Yeah.
151
00:05:50,438 --> 00:05:53,706
One of the advantages
of being here alone.
152
00:05:53,708 --> 00:05:56,409
Kind of makes a man want
to buy a place of his own.
153
00:05:59,613 --> 00:06:01,914
Nah, I'm gonna die here,
I really am.
154
00:06:01,916 --> 00:06:04,384
So, uh, what do you want
to do tonight?
155
00:06:04,386 --> 00:06:06,219
You know,
besides this guy.
156
00:06:06,221 --> 00:06:08,755
I would love to spend
the night doing this guy,
157
00:06:08,757 --> 00:06:10,890
but we promised Lyndsey and Larry
we'd meet 'em.
158
00:06:10,892 --> 00:06:11,924
Remember, karaoke?
159
00:06:11,926 --> 00:06:12,992
Oh, that's right.
160
00:06:12,994 --> 00:06:14,861
Oh, hey, hey,
maybe we can use
161
00:06:14,863 --> 00:06:16,195
my Halloween costumes
from last year.
162
00:06:16,197 --> 00:06:17,830
You know, Donny and Marie?
163
00:06:17,832 --> 00:06:20,767
Although I'm not sure you'd fit
into Walden's Donny outfit.
164
00:06:21,869 --> 00:06:25,672
You know, I was thinking
tonight would be a great time
165
00:06:25,674 --> 00:06:27,707
to tell Larry that you're
not Jeff Strongman,
166
00:06:27,709 --> 00:06:29,142
that you're really
Alan Harper.
167
00:06:29,144 --> 00:06:31,110
Oh, that's funny
because I was thinking
168
00:06:31,112 --> 00:06:34,714
tonight might be a great night
to not ruin four people's lives.
169
00:06:34,716 --> 00:06:35,848
He's my brother, Alan.
170
00:06:35,850 --> 00:06:37,483
I can't just
keep lying to him.
171
00:06:37,485 --> 00:06:39,852
I lied to my brother all
the time. It worked out great.
172
00:06:39,854 --> 00:06:41,421
Your brother's dead.
173
00:06:41,423 --> 00:06:44,223
I didn't say it worked out
great for everybody.
174
00:06:45,092 --> 00:06:46,793
♪ Men. ♪
175
00:06:47,929 --> 00:06:49,095
Hey!
176
00:06:50,330 --> 00:06:51,497
Are you Dirk?
177
00:06:51,499 --> 00:06:52,732
Are you a cop?
178
00:06:52,734 --> 00:06:54,901
No.
Then I'm Dirk.
179
00:06:54,903 --> 00:06:56,836
I'm Walden Schmidt.
I called about the car.
180
00:06:56,838 --> 00:06:59,072
Actually, on the phone,
you asked if I was a cop.
181
00:06:59,074 --> 00:07:01,541
And then you asked me
if I wanted to buy any weed.
182
00:07:01,543 --> 00:07:04,177
Yeah, that's the right order
to ask those questions.
183
00:07:04,179 --> 00:07:05,945
I learned that the hard way.
184
00:07:07,114 --> 00:07:08,014
These your kids?
185
00:07:09,417 --> 00:07:11,317
No.
186
00:07:11,319 --> 00:07:12,618
Are they mine?
187
00:07:14,188 --> 00:07:15,822
Hey, uh, is this the car?
188
00:07:15,824 --> 00:07:18,558
Yeah, let me take her
top off for you.
189
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:21,294
You're about to see one hot car.
190
00:07:24,064 --> 00:07:26,165
Where, behind
this piece of crap?
191
00:07:26,167 --> 00:07:28,835
She's not that pretty,
but she gets the job done.
192
00:07:28,837 --> 00:07:30,937
Just like my old lady.
193
00:07:30,939 --> 00:07:32,271
Hey, that's not bad.
194
00:07:32,273 --> 00:07:34,974
♪ She's not that pretty,
but she gets the job done ♪
195
00:07:34,976 --> 00:07:39,011
♪ I'd like to escape,
but I'm too old to run! ♪
196
00:07:39,013 --> 00:07:40,613
Yeah, that's a hit!
197
00:07:41,648 --> 00:07:43,416
So is this your car?
198
00:07:43,418 --> 00:07:44,851
Yeah.
199
00:07:44,853 --> 00:07:47,754
It's still got the Vote For Bush
bumper sticker on it.
200
00:07:47,756 --> 00:07:49,122
You were a Republican?
201
00:07:49,124 --> 00:07:51,591
No, my friends and I
just thought it was funny.
202
00:07:51,593 --> 00:07:53,726
You know, "Bush"?
203
00:07:53,728 --> 00:07:57,430
Tell you what, I love Bush.
204
00:07:57,432 --> 00:07:59,332
You and me both.
205
00:08:00,734 --> 00:08:02,835
She's got a lot
of wear and tear on her.
206
00:08:02,837 --> 00:08:04,604
Not much to look at.
207
00:08:04,606 --> 00:08:06,405
Looks like it was rear-ended.
208
00:08:06,407 --> 00:08:08,341
Just like my old lady.
209
00:08:09,943 --> 00:08:12,512
But she's got new headlights
and a roomy backseat.
210
00:08:12,514 --> 00:08:13,780
Just like your old lady?
211
00:08:13,782 --> 00:08:17,049
Hey! That's the mother
of three of my five kids!
212
00:08:18,452 --> 00:08:21,020
Anyway, this bad boy can still
get up to a buck ten.
213
00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:23,990
Yeah, maybe if the truck
towing it was going 110.
214
00:08:23,992 --> 00:08:26,159
You don't believe me,
I refer you
215
00:08:26,161 --> 00:08:29,829
to World's Wildest
Police Chases, episode 139.
216
00:08:31,064 --> 00:08:32,565
Whoa, what died in here?
217
00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:34,667
My granddad.
218
00:08:34,669 --> 00:08:36,135
The seat belt got jammed,
we had to
219
00:08:36,137 --> 00:08:38,104
leave him in there
for a couple of days.
220
00:08:39,706 --> 00:08:42,642
Okay, well, hey, thank you
for showing us the car.
221
00:08:42,644 --> 00:08:44,076
Whoa, hang on, hang on.
222
00:08:44,912 --> 00:08:46,045
How much do
you want for it?
223
00:08:46,047 --> 00:08:47,880
Uh, uh, uh, what are you doing?
224
00:08:48,982 --> 00:08:50,550
I'll take $1,800 unless you can
225
00:08:50,552 --> 00:08:52,552
come up with some kind
of other arrangement.
226
00:08:52,554 --> 00:08:53,719
Ew!
227
00:08:53,721 --> 00:08:55,388
How about you?
228
00:08:55,390 --> 00:08:58,257
No!
229
00:08:58,259 --> 00:09:00,726
$1,800 it is, then.
230
00:09:00,728 --> 00:09:03,930
I'm not...
I'm not buying this car.
231
00:09:03,932 --> 00:09:06,132
Walden, this car
is a piece of your life.
232
00:09:06,134 --> 00:09:07,667
It doesn't mean anything
to anybody else
233
00:09:07,669 --> 00:09:09,068
in the world except you.
234
00:09:10,938 --> 00:09:13,206
All right, I'll give you $1,800.
235
00:09:13,208 --> 00:09:16,642
Dude, you didn't haggle.
It's no good unless you haggle.
236
00:09:16,644 --> 00:09:20,146
Okay, uh, fine. $1,600.
237
00:09:20,148 --> 00:09:21,147
$1,700.
238
00:09:21,149 --> 00:09:23,115
Deal. $1,700.
239
00:09:23,117 --> 00:09:25,084
Yeah!
240
00:09:26,286 --> 00:09:27,954
I was just gonna give you
$1,800.
241
00:09:27,956 --> 00:09:29,789
That's the thing
about haggling, dude.
242
00:09:29,791 --> 00:09:32,592
Sometimes you win,
sometimes you lose.
243
00:09:33,961 --> 00:09:35,995
We definitely have to get
some of this guy's weed.
244
00:09:35,997 --> 00:09:38,130
♪ Men. ♪
245
00:09:39,766 --> 00:09:42,902
♪ Hey, will you love me
forever? ♪
246
00:09:42,904 --> 00:09:45,404
♪ Let me sleep on it
247
00:09:45,406 --> 00:09:46,505
♪ Will you love me forever?
248
00:09:46,507 --> 00:09:48,140
♪ Let me sleep on it
249
00:09:48,142 --> 00:09:49,876
♪ Will you love me forever?
250
00:09:49,878 --> 00:09:51,344
♪ I couldn't take it
any longer ♪
251
00:09:51,346 --> 00:09:52,745
♪ Lord, I was crazed
252
00:09:52,747 --> 00:09:55,248
♪ And then the feeling came
upon me like a tidal wave ♪
253
00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:57,783
♪ I started swearing to my God
on my mother's grave ♪
254
00:09:57,785 --> 00:10:00,519
♪ That I would love you
till the end of time ♪
255
00:10:00,521 --> 00:10:03,623
♪ I swore I'd love you
till the end of time! ♪
256
00:10:03,625 --> 00:10:05,258
Yeah!
257
00:10:05,260 --> 00:10:06,859
Gretchen, Jeff!
258
00:10:06,861 --> 00:10:09,629
Follow that, bitches.
259
00:10:09,631 --> 00:10:11,697
Come on, Lyndsey, it's our turn.
260
00:10:11,699 --> 00:10:13,566
♪ Who let the dogs out?
261
00:10:13,568 --> 00:10:16,502
Woof, woof. Woof, woof.
262
00:10:16,504 --> 00:10:18,337
Come on. You can do
better than that.
263
00:10:18,339 --> 00:10:20,773
Larry, do I look like I want
to do better than that?
264
00:10:20,775 --> 00:10:22,408
Ooh, last time I saw
that face,
265
00:10:22,410 --> 00:10:24,677
I forgot
to pick up wine.
266
00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:26,312
Boy, was I in
the doghouse
267
00:10:26,314 --> 00:10:27,413
that night. Hey!
268
00:10:27,415 --> 00:10:30,283
♪ Who's in the doghouse?
269
00:10:30,285 --> 00:10:32,285
♪ Who-who-who-who?
270
00:10:32,287 --> 00:10:33,352
That's what
I'm talking about!
271
00:10:33,354 --> 00:10:34,620
Come on. Let's show 'em how
272
00:10:34,622 --> 00:10:36,489
you and your brother
do it doggy style.
273
00:10:39,326 --> 00:10:42,128
He doesn't really
hear himself, does he?
274
00:10:42,130 --> 00:10:44,563
Why are you here?
275
00:10:44,565 --> 00:10:46,432
I've told you a hundred times,
I don't want
276
00:10:46,434 --> 00:10:48,301
to double-date with Gretchen
and Jeff Strongman.
277
00:10:48,303 --> 00:10:50,569
Well, you won't
have to anymore.
278
00:10:50,571 --> 00:10:52,271
Guess who's gonna tell Larry
the truth tonight.
279
00:10:52,273 --> 00:10:54,974
♪ Who-who-who-who?
280
00:10:56,777 --> 00:10:57,877
What do you mean?
281
00:10:57,879 --> 00:11:00,546
I told Gretchen
who I really am.
282
00:11:00,548 --> 00:11:02,782
I was tired of living a lie
283
00:11:02,784 --> 00:11:03,983
and sneaking around,
being dishonest.
284
00:11:03,985 --> 00:11:05,051
I'm better than that.
285
00:11:05,053 --> 00:11:06,252
She caught you.
286
00:11:06,254 --> 00:11:07,586
Yes. Yes, she did.
287
00:11:07,588 --> 00:11:09,922
But it felt good
to get it off my chest.
288
00:11:09,924 --> 00:11:13,159
If you tell Larry
who you really are,
289
00:11:13,161 --> 00:11:15,528
then he's gonna wonder why
I didn't tell him.
290
00:11:15,530 --> 00:11:17,363
And that's not something
I want to deal with
291
00:11:17,365 --> 00:11:19,532
less than two weeks before
we're supposed to get married.
292
00:11:19,534 --> 00:11:20,866
God, is it two weeks?
293
00:11:20,868 --> 00:11:22,568
Boy, I better find
those rings.
294
00:11:22,570 --> 00:11:25,104
Alan, you're not gonna say
a thing about
295
00:11:25,106 --> 00:11:26,372
who you really are.
296
00:11:26,374 --> 00:11:28,074
I'm sorry, but I already
promised Gretchen.
297
00:11:28,076 --> 00:11:29,608
And-and the fact
of the matter is
298
00:11:29,610 --> 00:11:31,310
you and I aren't
in a relationship anymore,
299
00:11:31,312 --> 00:11:34,480
so you no longer have me
by the balls!
300
00:11:41,626 --> 00:11:43,060
♪ Men. ♪
301
00:11:43,062 --> 00:11:46,029
♪ Dial 1-900-mix-a-lot
and kick them nasty thoughts ♪
302
00:11:46,031 --> 00:11:47,731
♪ Baby got back!
303
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,239
Come on, Larry, let's
show 'em how we do it.
304
00:11:55,241 --> 00:11:56,974
There you go!
305
00:11:56,976 --> 00:11:59,243
Menstrual cramps
can't stop my lady!
306
00:11:59,245 --> 00:12:01,378
It's Larry-oke time!
307
00:12:06,050 --> 00:12:08,185
♪ Ow! I feel good
308
00:12:09,787 --> 00:12:11,521
♪ I knew that I would now
309
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:14,224
So, did you talk
to Larry yet?
310
00:12:14,226 --> 00:12:16,093
Uh, well, you know,
I was, I was running
311
00:12:16,095 --> 00:12:17,594
this whole thing by
Lyndsey, and, um...
312
00:12:17,596 --> 00:12:21,098
Whoa, wait. Why would you
run it by Lyndsey?
313
00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:22,332
You know, she is the
one getting married,
314
00:12:22,334 --> 00:12:23,800
and I didn't want
to spring it on her
315
00:12:23,802 --> 00:12:25,636
because Lyndsey is not the
girl you want to get angry
316
00:12:25,638 --> 00:12:26,970
unless you're about
to have sex with her,
317
00:12:26,972 --> 00:12:28,639
'cause then she
turns into a freak,
318
00:12:28,641 --> 00:12:30,240
and I don't know
why I'm saying this.
319
00:12:30,242 --> 00:12:31,308
I know why.
320
00:12:31,310 --> 00:12:33,210
Because you still have
feelings for her.
321
00:12:33,212 --> 00:12:34,811
That's crazy.
I just, I think
322
00:12:34,813 --> 00:12:36,613
it's the right thing to do,
that's all.
323
00:12:36,615 --> 00:12:39,549
Oh, my God.
324
00:12:39,551 --> 00:12:41,618
That is why you invented
Jeff Strongman
325
00:12:41,620 --> 00:12:44,621
in the first place,
was to win Lyndsey back.
326
00:12:44,623 --> 00:12:46,890
Feelings like that
don't just disappear.
327
00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:48,592
Sure, they do.
There's a lot of things
328
00:12:48,594 --> 00:12:50,560
I used to love that
I don't love anymore:
329
00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:52,596
uh, roller coasters,
dairy, my mother.
330
00:12:52,598 --> 00:12:54,331
This isn't funny, Alan.
331
00:12:54,333 --> 00:12:55,299
Well, I-I was just saying...
332
00:12:55,301 --> 00:12:56,733
No, listen to me.
333
00:12:56,735 --> 00:13:00,270
Look, if you want to run
everything by your ex-girlfriend
334
00:13:00,272 --> 00:13:02,406
and not tell Larry the truth,
then so be it.
335
00:13:02,408 --> 00:13:04,248
But I don't want anything
to do with it. Or you.
336
00:13:04,273 --> 00:13:04,909
Wait, Gretchen...
337
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:07,678
Gretchen. Gretchen, wait!
338
00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:09,680
♪ I feel good
339
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:12,916
♪ I knew that I would now
340
00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:15,052
Come on, Jeff,
you know the words.
341
00:13:15,054 --> 00:13:18,188
♪ So good, so good
342
00:13:18,190 --> 00:13:19,556
♪ I'm gonna die alone
343
00:13:19,558 --> 00:13:21,458
♪ Ow!
344
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,161
♪ Men. ♪
345
00:13:24,163 --> 00:13:26,196
Aren't you glad
I made you do this?
346
00:13:26,198 --> 00:13:29,299
Yeah.
Having déjà vu.
347
00:13:29,301 --> 00:13:32,235
My dad used to let me sit
on his lap and steer.
348
00:13:32,237 --> 00:13:33,904
Yeah, my dad
wasn't around much.
349
00:13:33,906 --> 00:13:36,974
I had to teach myself all those
things that dads teach you:
350
00:13:36,976 --> 00:13:39,042
how to ride a bike,
how to shave,
351
00:13:39,044 --> 00:13:41,945
how to change a tire,
how to masturbate.
352
00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:43,680
What?
353
00:13:43,682 --> 00:13:46,316
No, dads don't teach you
how to masturbate.
354
00:13:46,318 --> 00:13:50,153
I'm glad somebody told me
before I had kids.
355
00:13:50,155 --> 00:13:52,122
This thing is actually
really cool.
356
00:13:52,124 --> 00:13:54,157
What made you sell it
in the first place?
357
00:13:54,159 --> 00:13:56,193
I needed the seed money
to start my company,
358
00:13:56,195 --> 00:13:59,496
and it's the only thing
I had that was worth anything.
359
00:13:59,498 --> 00:14:02,132
You know,
when you think about it,
360
00:14:02,134 --> 00:14:04,434
this car is really responsible
for everything I have:
361
00:14:04,436 --> 00:14:08,171
the beach house,
my jet and my fortune.
362
00:14:08,173 --> 00:14:09,339
Alan.
363
00:14:09,341 --> 00:14:12,909
Shh, she didn't mean it.
It's not true.
364
00:14:12,911 --> 00:14:16,646
So that means your dad
is kind of responsible
365
00:14:16,648 --> 00:14:18,281
for your success, too,
doesn't it?
366
00:14:18,283 --> 00:14:21,284
I never really thought of it
like that.
367
00:14:21,286 --> 00:14:24,621
I guess he is.
368
00:14:24,623 --> 00:14:26,256
Thanks, Dad.
369
00:14:26,258 --> 00:14:28,925
Oh, that gave me the chills.
370
00:14:28,927 --> 00:14:29,926
Oh! No, wait.
371
00:14:29,928 --> 00:14:32,496
There's a hole
in the floorboard.
372
00:14:35,566 --> 00:14:37,834
Anybody else want to
drive for a while?
373
00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:40,170
I don't know how to drive.
374
00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:42,039
What?
375
00:14:42,041 --> 00:14:43,607
I grew up in Manhattan.
376
00:14:43,609 --> 00:14:45,542
I've been in taxis and cop cars.
377
00:14:45,544 --> 00:14:48,879
Ooh, this is my first time
in the front seat!
378
00:14:49,914 --> 00:14:52,883
Well, there's no time
like the present.
379
00:14:58,589 --> 00:15:00,557
I'm gonna pull
in here.
380
00:15:00,559 --> 00:15:03,460
I'm pretty sure they sell underwear
at Cracker Barrel.
381
00:15:05,163 --> 00:15:08,632
♪ Men. ♪
382
00:15:08,634 --> 00:15:10,133
Berta?
383
00:15:10,135 --> 00:15:12,069
Hey, Zippy.
384
00:15:12,071 --> 00:15:13,437
It's 10:00.
385
00:15:13,439 --> 00:15:14,871
What are you still doing here?
386
00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:16,440
It's 11 years later.
387
00:15:16,442 --> 00:15:18,809
What are you
still doing here?
388
00:15:20,278 --> 00:15:21,578
Where's your girlfriend?
389
00:15:21,580 --> 00:15:24,314
Gone. I think I lost her.
390
00:15:24,316 --> 00:15:26,516
You mean "lost"
like you broke up
391
00:15:26,518 --> 00:15:29,986
or "lost" like the time Charlie
took Jake to Disneyland?
392
00:15:29,988 --> 00:15:33,056
Broke up.
Wait-- Charlie lost Jake?
393
00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:34,991
Actually, Jake lost Charlie.
394
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:37,027
Security found him.
395
00:15:37,029 --> 00:15:39,396
He was doing white snow
with Snow White.
396
00:15:40,798 --> 00:15:41,932
So, um,
397
00:15:41,934 --> 00:15:45,268
what did you do to drive
this girlfriend away?
398
00:15:45,270 --> 00:15:47,137
She thinks I'm still
in love with Lyndsey,
399
00:15:47,139 --> 00:15:49,840
which I'm not,
but she doesn't believe me.
400
00:15:49,842 --> 00:15:51,274
Well, make her believe you.
401
00:15:51,276 --> 00:15:53,477
You can make anybody believe
anything.
402
00:15:53,479 --> 00:15:56,313
You made the IRS believe
you had seven dependents.
403
00:15:56,315 --> 00:15:58,248
That's true.
404
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:01,485
I went to chiropractic college
on an NAACP scholarship.
405
00:16:03,855 --> 00:16:05,188
Exactly.
406
00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:07,624
And you made those people
at the movie theater
407
00:16:07,626 --> 00:16:09,426
believe that you were under 14.
408
00:16:10,695 --> 00:16:13,063
And over 65.
409
00:16:13,065 --> 00:16:14,464
Once on the same day.
410
00:16:15,634 --> 00:16:18,168
The, uh, the secret is
that both of those groups wear
411
00:16:18,170 --> 00:16:20,937
little baseball caps.
412
00:16:20,939 --> 00:16:23,540
I was saving this
for your funeral,
413
00:16:23,542 --> 00:16:25,742
but, Zippy, you're a charmer.
414
00:16:25,744 --> 00:16:27,410
Thanks, Berta.
415
00:16:27,412 --> 00:16:29,012
No. Thank you.
416
00:16:29,014 --> 00:16:31,848
Now I don't have
to go to your funeral.
417
00:16:32,884 --> 00:16:36,052
♪ Men. ♪
418
00:16:36,054 --> 00:16:37,854
Wow,
419
00:16:37,856 --> 00:16:41,691
this Utah sky is amazing.
420
00:16:41,693 --> 00:16:43,727
We're indoors.
421
00:16:43,729 --> 00:16:48,798
Wow, this Colorado weed
is amazing.
422
00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:54,738
Guess who just joined
the 6,106-foot club.
423
00:16:54,740 --> 00:16:58,942
It doesn't count
when you do it alone!
424
00:16:58,944 --> 00:17:00,443
Whatever.
425
00:17:00,445 --> 00:17:01,745
I don't like it here.
426
00:17:01,747 --> 00:17:03,813
There's no Wi-Fi
or cell service.
427
00:17:03,815 --> 00:17:05,882
It's like one of those movies
where you find out
428
00:17:05,884 --> 00:17:07,250
the little town's full
of zombies.
429
00:17:07,252 --> 00:17:09,286
Or werewolves.
430
00:17:09,288 --> 00:17:10,754
Or zombie werewolves.
431
00:17:10,756 --> 00:17:12,222
How would that happen?
432
00:17:12,224 --> 00:17:13,924
Hello. Do the math.
433
00:17:13,926 --> 00:17:15,091
Zombie bites a werewolf,
434
00:17:15,093 --> 00:17:16,960
werewolf dies, comes back
as a werewolf zombie.
435
00:17:16,962 --> 00:17:19,062
That's a badass,
unkillable creature.
436
00:17:19,064 --> 00:17:20,397
He's right. Chain the door.
437
00:17:20,399 --> 00:17:22,766
Wait a second. You think
chaining the door
438
00:17:22,768 --> 00:17:25,168
is gonna stop
a zombie werewolf?
439
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,771
I'll tell you what,
I'm not gonna be the guy
440
00:17:27,773 --> 00:17:29,406
who gets killed by
a zombie werewolf
441
00:17:29,408 --> 00:17:31,741
'cause I didn't chain the door.
442
00:17:33,211 --> 00:17:35,745
Hey...
443
00:17:35,747 --> 00:17:37,280
thanks for coming with me, guys.
444
00:17:37,282 --> 00:17:38,648
And I'm not just saying that
445
00:17:38,650 --> 00:17:40,417
'cause I can use you
as human shields
446
00:17:40,419 --> 00:17:42,385
when the zombie werewolf
breaks in the door.
447
00:17:42,387 --> 00:17:45,055
Yeah, I'm really
glad we came, too.
448
00:17:45,057 --> 00:17:47,090
And about almost
killing you guys
449
00:17:47,092 --> 00:17:50,093
in the car earlier--
that's my bad.
450
00:17:50,095 --> 00:17:51,361
Yeah, well, I am glad
451
00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:53,930
that Cracker Barrel
had underwear.
452
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:57,834
And these "I Heart Denver"
sweatpants.
453
00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:01,104
You know, this is still better
than that family trip
454
00:18:01,106 --> 00:18:02,639
I took to Utah
as a kid.
455
00:18:02,641 --> 00:18:04,341
My dad was trying
to convince my mom
456
00:18:04,343 --> 00:18:05,942
to add another wife
to the family.
457
00:18:05,944 --> 00:18:07,377
Started the trip
with one wife,
458
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:09,346
tried to get two,
came home with zero.
459
00:18:10,615 --> 00:18:13,950
Hotel had
a great pool, though.
460
00:18:13,952 --> 00:18:15,986
At least you knew
your dad.
461
00:18:15,988 --> 00:18:17,921
I barely knew Charlie.
462
00:18:17,923 --> 00:18:21,091
I got one letter from him
my entire childhood.
463
00:18:21,093 --> 00:18:24,327
It said, "Are your
friends 18 yet""
464
00:18:24,329 --> 00:18:27,530
Yeah, hearing you guys talk
about your dads,
465
00:18:27,532 --> 00:18:29,099
and thinking about mine,
466
00:18:29,101 --> 00:18:30,834
makes me question even wanting
to have kids.
467
00:18:30,836 --> 00:18:32,836
You already have kids.
468
00:18:34,072 --> 00:18:35,939
Papa.
469
00:18:37,008 --> 00:18:38,375
Come on. I'm not your dad.
470
00:18:38,377 --> 00:18:42,479
You've been a better dad
to me than anybody ever has.
471
00:18:42,481 --> 00:18:44,614
You-you-you took me in,
472
00:18:44,616 --> 00:18:48,285
you inspired me to be
a better person.
473
00:18:48,287 --> 00:18:51,588
You pushed me to be
a dead junkie.
474
00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:54,791
I really want that for you, too.
475
00:18:54,793 --> 00:18:56,760
She's right, man.
You're a role model.
476
00:18:56,762 --> 00:18:58,094
I mean, you believe that
477
00:18:58,096 --> 00:18:59,896
I can make something
out of myself
478
00:18:59,898 --> 00:19:01,631
and you stopped me
from going to prison
479
00:19:01,633 --> 00:19:03,400
for teaching my son
how to masturbate.
480
00:19:04,402 --> 00:19:07,337
That's right.
You want to be a hands-on dad,
481
00:19:07,339 --> 00:19:09,639
but not too hands-on.
482
00:19:11,208 --> 00:19:13,810
Hey, bring it in, kiddos.
483
00:19:15,246 --> 00:19:16,479
Oh!
Aw...
484
00:19:18,350 --> 00:19:20,517
Oh, Dad?
Hmm?
485
00:19:20,519 --> 00:19:23,019
Barry's got his hand
on my butt again.
486
00:19:24,055 --> 00:19:25,388
It's not my hand.
Okay.
487
00:19:25,390 --> 00:19:26,790
All right.
488
00:19:26,792 --> 00:19:29,359
♪ Men. ♪
489
00:19:33,531 --> 00:19:34,664
Hey, Gretchie.
490
00:19:34,666 --> 00:19:36,700
I don't want to talk
to you right now.
491
00:19:36,702 --> 00:19:38,868
Gretchen's still mad at you,
but I'm on your side, Jeff.
492
00:19:38,870 --> 00:19:41,838
Bros before hoes.
493
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,507
Oh, uh, oh, good, you're,
uh, you're all here.
494
00:19:44,509 --> 00:19:47,344
Because I have something
to say...
495
00:19:47,346 --> 00:19:48,712
to everyone.
496
00:19:48,714 --> 00:19:50,213
Are you sure, Jeff?
497
00:19:50,215 --> 00:19:53,049
Some things
are better left unsaid.
498
00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:56,052
I love you so much,
499
00:19:56,054 --> 00:19:58,421
I-I can't imagine
my life without you.
500
00:19:58,423 --> 00:19:59,689
Just stop.
501
00:19:59,691 --> 00:20:01,658
Maybe this will help.
502
00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:03,159
Okay, I appreciate the gesture,
503
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:06,162
but looking for change together
isn't gonna work this time.
504
00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:10,500
The only change I want is
for us to be husband and wife.
505
00:20:10,502 --> 00:20:12,435
What?!
506
00:20:12,437 --> 00:20:15,238
Gretchen Martin,
will you do me the honor
507
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:20,110
of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?
508
00:20:21,645 --> 00:20:24,581
Oh, my God!
My sister and my best...
509
00:20:24,583 --> 00:20:26,883
Wait a minute.
Who the hell is Alan Harper?
510
00:20:26,885 --> 00:20:29,319
Larry, look, boobs!
511
00:20:29,321 --> 00:20:31,488
♪ Men. ♪
512
00:20:37,109 --> 00:20:38,209
♪ Men. ♪
513
00:20:38,211 --> 00:20:39,744
Oh, look at you.
You're doing great.
514
00:20:39,746 --> 00:20:41,245
You haven't hit
a guardrail in miles.
515
00:20:42,492 --> 00:20:43,927
Once you get
the hang of it,
516
00:20:43,928 --> 00:20:45,427
this driving thing
isn't so tough.
517
00:20:45,429 --> 00:20:48,564
How about after I restore it,
I give it to you?
518
00:20:48,566 --> 00:20:50,332
What? You love this car.
519
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:52,134
I've gotten what
I need out of it,
520
00:20:52,136 --> 00:20:54,369
and I'd rather have it
stay in the family.
521
00:20:54,371 --> 00:20:56,271
Who better to have it
than my my...
522
00:20:56,273 --> 00:20:57,372
sort-of-daughter.
523
00:20:57,374 --> 00:21:00,375
Aw! You're the best
sort-of-dad ever!
524
00:21:00,377 --> 00:21:01,744
Whoa! Hands on the wheel!
525
00:21:01,746 --> 00:21:04,179
Hands on the wheel!
526
00:21:04,181 --> 00:21:05,881
Whoa!
Why are you yelling at me?
527
00:21:05,883 --> 00:21:07,182
You should be
yelling at them
528
00:21:07,184 --> 00:21:08,550
for driving on
the wrong side...
529
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:14,920
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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