Previously on...
Tonight would be a great time
to tell Larry that you're not Jeff Strongman,
that you're really Alan Harper.
If you tell Larry who you really are,
then he's gonna wonder why I didn't tell him.
Will you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?
Who the hell is Alan Harper?
Larry! Look! Boobs!
♪ Men. ♪
We can go in the other room and you can play with them. Huh?
Really? In the middle of the day?
Mm-hmm.
Wait a minute. Who's Alan Harper?
Uh, I am gonna answer that, but before I do...
What do you say, Gretchie?
Will you marry me?
Yes.
Oh, my God!
You've made me the-the happiest man in the world.
Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.
A-And for your question, Larry,
I just want to say that everything you've known about me
is a lie.
My real name is Alan.
That's okay. My real name is Lawrence.
All right, this is gonna be a lot harder than I thought.
Um, uh, Lyndsey
is my ex-girlfriend. When you and she
got together, I made up a fake name
so that I could meet you and stay close to Lyndsey.
But then it turns out I actually like you
more than I like Lyndsey.
I like you more than Lyndsey, too!
What the hell is happening here?!
So your name's not really Jeff Strongman,
it's Alan Harper, and you used to date Lyndsey?
For four years.
Did you know about this?
Yes. He was my boyfriend.
But-but I'm with you now, and only you.
A-And I'm really, really sorry.
Oh, save it, Jeff-- if that's even your real name.
I think I made it pretty clear it's not, but o-okay.
I told Alan that I thought he should tell you the truth,
because I thought you deserved to know.
How could you keep this from me?
I would never lie to you. This is unbelievable!
I never wanted any of this to happen.
Well, it did-- and now I've lost my two best friends.
And this time I'm not talking about your boobs.
I don't want to see either one of you again.
And I'm still not talking about your boobs!
The wedding's off!
Larry, wait!
Oh, God, see?
This is exactly why I didn't want to tell him.
Now both Lyndsey and Larry hate me,
and I've ruined the lives of two wonderful people.
I'll never forget the look on-- ooh, boobs.
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men ♪
♪ Ah. ♪ Men.
♪ Two and a Half Men 11x22 ♪ Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead Original Air Date on May 8, 2014
== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man
♪ Men. ♪
Say hello to my little friend.
What is that?
This is the most advanced
robotic artificial intelligence today.
I call him WALD-E.
Get it?
'Cause I'm Walden,
and the movie WALL-E?
WALD-E?
Say hello to my friend Jenny.
Hello to my friend Jenny.
I programmed him to be funny.
I beg to differ.
You're just jealous 'cause you don't have
an electronic friend to play with.
Trust me, I have a whole drawer
of electronic friends I can play with.
Then maybe we can have a zero-one-one-way.
That's a three-way in binary.
Oh, WALD-E, good times ahead.
Hey.
Oh. Hey, check out my new robot.
I detect no sign of intelligent life.
I'm not in the mood for this. Can you turn him off?
I wish I could, WALD-E, I wish I could.
What's going on? Larry just texted me.
He wants to see me. What do you think he wants?
Well,
given the fact you blew up his entire life,
I'm guessing he either wants to kick your ass,
or rip your face off so you can watch him kick your ass.
Oh, this is all my fault.
I should have just been honest
and told the truth right from the start--
lying is never the answer.
Ooh, I know, I'll tell him I'm sick.
What's a trendy illness?
Alan, you have to man up
and face the consequences of your actions.
Maybe you're right.
I at least owe him that much.
I'll just go and... Hah-choo!
Oh! Oh. Oh.
Alan? Mm-hmm?
When people sneeze, they don't say, "Hah-choo,
oh, ew, ooh."
Okay, fine.
But when he beats me within an inch of my life,
you're on bedpan duty.
Okay, if it makes you feel better, I'll come with you.
He only wants to go so when Larry beats you up,
he can say, "I told you so."
That is not true.
Even though I repeatedly
told him to stop lying about who he was,
and deceiving the people around him,
and eventually it would blow up in his face,
I'm not going to say, "I told you so."
Well, I appreciate that.
I want to film Larry kicking his ass
and then say, "I told you so""
♪ Men. ♪
Hey, Alan.
Oh, hey, hey, Larry!
I don't have a weapon.
Hi. I'm Walden,
Alan's friend.
Uh, just act like I'm not here,
and punch like no one's watchin'.
And...
action.
So, you, uh, you said
you wanted to talk?
No, no, no, louder.
I'm sorry. What?
Louder. There's a lot of ambient noise in here.
So, so, you said you wanted to talk?
Yeah, I actually came here to tell you that I forgive you!
No! Cut! Cut!
What's... Wait, wait, you forgive him?
Yeah, I realized all this anger isn't good.
I had to let it all go.
No!
He's not gonna learn his lesson
if you forgive him. The only way he's gonna learn
a lesson is through pain and suffering
and possibly losing a tooth.
No, no. He's gonna be my brother-in-law
and make an honest woman out of Gretchen.
She's not gonna be an honest woman on our wedding night.
That's the guy I know and love who's banging my sister.
I do love banging your sister.
No, the only banging I want to see is you banging his face!
Oh,
that didn't come out right.
Gretchen is the most amazing woman I've ever met.
I-I just have to scrape together enough money for the wedding.
Oh, I know what you mean-- mine and Lyndsey's
was costing me a fortune.
I already paid for the flowers, the cake, the tux.
Too bad you can't just take his wedding.
Or can I?
I was kidding.
Well, why not? I mean, this cup says "Peter" on it,
but Peter wasn't there to get it.
I'm not gonna use it. Me and Lyndsey are through,
so you might as well.
You can't mooch a wedding
that you just destroyed.
I know. How great is that?
Classic Alan Harper.
Jeff Strongman. Mm.
I don't know how I didn't see through it sooner.
It's such an obviously made-up name.
Yeah. Jeff.
♪ Men. ♪
Mom, this is my fiancée, Gretchen Martin.
It is so nice to finally meet you, Evelyn.
Oh, you, too, dear.
How far along are you?
What? Uh, my mother assumes that
since you agreed to marry me, you must be pregnant.
No, I'm not pregnant.
Are you after my money? Of course not.
¿Estas buscando trabajo en el mundo nuevo?
What?
Not looking for a green card, either.
You must genuinely like Alan. Yeah.
This is uncharted territory for me.
I know. She actually loves me for me.
I mean, I had to pretend to be another person
to make it all happen, but still.
Oh, that is some ring you bought her.
Oh, actually, that's the ring my ex-husband got me.
But I still had it-- I figured why make Alan buy another one?
My God, you've found your soul mate.
I know. Our honeymoon is at her cousin's time-share.
He can't use it, 'cause he had a heart attack.
We're so blessed.
Speaking of blessings,
I just want to thank you for raising such a caring,
thoughtful, intelligent son.
Oh, you're serious.
So, when's the big day?
Oh, uh, it's next Saturday.
We're just gonna have a small affair here at the house.
We're trying to keep costs down.
Are your parents coming?
Oh, no, my parents have passed away.
Again, we're so blessed.
So, where are you planning on living after you marry?
Oh, we're not in a rush to go anywhere.
I mean, beach house, no rent...
Don't be ridiculous-- you need your own place.
Well, that's easier said than done, Mom.
How about for your wedding if I give you a down payment
towards your own... Oh, I love you, Mom!
I won't go that far, but thank you.
♪ Men. ♪
Walden.
Oh, don't worry, Alan's not with me.
Wow, it's amazing
how infrequently I actually get to say that.
What's up?
I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
That's sweet, but I'm fine.
When I get dumped, I usually end up sobbing in a bathtub,
listening to Michael Bublé.
I call it my "Bublé bath."
You sure you're all right? Yeah.
I was about to marry Larry,
a guy who once called venetian blind cleaners
because he wanted to help handicapped Italians.
Look, if Alan
and Gretchen are supposed to be together,
I wish them the best.
If you need anything, don't hesitate to call me.
Thanks. Okay.
Siri, remind me to draw a Bublé bath tonight.
Mm, what's that, Larry?
You forgive me and you still want to marry me?
Oh, Alan...
you never stopped loving me and you want to marry me, too?
I am the luckiest woman in the world.
♪ Men. ♪
Everybody, freeze.
What the hell?
Berta, I know where you hide your pot.
WALD-E!
No...!
Now, that's how you deal with a DEA drone.
No!
It's my robot!
I was playing a joke.
Oh.
It was funny.
Oh... oh...
Don't worry, little ro-buddy.
We'll get you on life support.
Or tech support. Oh, he would've loved that joke.
I lost the head of one of my toys once.
Of course, I had to go to the emergency room to get it out.
Um, listen, I know this may not be an opportune moment,
but, um, I was wondering, would you do me the honor of...
being my best man?
Of course. I would have been hurt if you didn't ask.
Oh, thanks, thanks. Great, man.
Uh, oh, and better get your speech ready
for the rehearsal dinner.
I'm taking everybody to Souplantation.
Fingers crossed we all end up at the same table.
Come on, come on, come on. We...
we got to go someplace fancier.
Well, I would love to, but I can't affo...
I'll pay for it.
Great. We've got reservations
at 7:30 at La Dolce.
♪ Men. ♪
I would like to make a toast to the bride and groom.
Um, I don't look at this
as losing a friend
so much as gaining a guest room.
I don't see this as losing a friend either.
Anyway, uh, to the happy couple.
Uh, Alan,
you're like a brother to me.
And, Gretchen, you...
have a smile that lights up those around you
and a heart big enough to let them all in.
So...
cheers.
That was so sweet.
Is he gay?
If he was, you think I'd be with you right now?
♪ Men. ♪
Um, occupied.
Ocupado.
S-Sprechen Sie poopin.
Alan.
Lyndsey?!
I need to talk to you.
You scared the crap out of me. Literally.
This'll just take a sec.
Wh-What are you doing?
My whole family's here in the restaurant.
I'm here to say yes.
To what?
Your proposal.
I want to be your wife.
I am yours forever and ever and ever.
I am crazy for you.
Oh, I don't doubt that.
You know you still want me.
Fate has brought us here together.
Uh, actually, my lactose intolerance
has brought us here together.
Whatever. It was meant to be.
Um, Lyndsey, Lyndsey,
a-as romantic as this moment is,
um, uh, I-I'm in love with Gretchen.
What happened to me?
I was the prize.
Men were fighting over me.
Am I not hot anymore?
Oh, I'm gonna need that.
Here.
They're sanitized for your protection.
Look, I-I still care about you and...
Oh, stop it.
I don't want your pity.
I'm gonna get out of here while I still have my dignity.
Oh, great.
Now everyone at the table's gonna know I was pooping.
♪ Men. ♪
Hey, Alan,
I have a little surprise for your big day.
Oh! Cash or check?
I brought Jake to the wedding.
My son. Yes. Yes.
Yes, that's-that's way better than cash.
Um, uh, where is he?
Hi, Dad.
Pull my finger.
Classic Robot Jake.
Alan, can I see you a second?
Oh, did you see Jake came to the wedding?
Sure, of course. Hello, Jake.
Hey, Larry.
Hey.
You're looking... pretty pensive.
Oh, thanks, it's a rental.
You look pretty pensive, too.
Actually...
Thank you.
Uh, hey, I just wanted to say that it's, um....
it's pretty big of you to forgive Alan the way you did.
I mean,
after hearing that he was still sleeping with Lyndsey
when you two were dating...
...is apparently something you're hearing
for the first time right now.
Are you freakin' kidding me? They were cheating?!
I'll kill him!
Larry, Larry,
I'm sorry. For what?
This.
Okay, let's get this show on the road!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What-What's the rush?
Oh, uh, I accidentally told Larry
that you and Lyndsey were cheating on him,
so he wanted to kill you so I pushed him off the deck.
Let's go! Showtime! Chop, chop! Come on!
Oh,
wow, so pensive.
Where's my brother?
Oh.
Uh,
he was overcome with emotion.
So he hit the beach.
Uh, but don't worry. I'm filming it.
Oh, by the way, if you trip on your dress
and accidentally flash us, just go with it.
A-All right, honey, you look beautiful,
but let's move it along, please.
Uh, Jenny, hit it.
"Daughters, mothers, sisters, we gather here,
safe from the patriarchy and the oppression of its penises..."
Oh, I really should've revised this
before doing a straight wedding.
Um, wh-why don't we, uh, skip to the vows that you guys wrote?
All right. Um...
I, Gretchen, do swear to honor and cherish you.
You asked me to go down the road of life with you,
and I am answering.
I will go down.
That's what she said.
And I, Alan, do swear to honor,
cherish and stand behind you
whether things are easy
or things are hard.
That's what he said.
Alan, do you take Gretchen to be your...
I object!
Lyndsey?
Lyndsey, Lyndsey, you can't be here.
Aren't I a pretty, pretty bride, Alan?
Yes.
You look insanely beautiful.
Uh, now let's turn you around
and get you in a cab. How 'bout...
No!
This was supposed to be my day!
My wedding!
My groom!
My f... Wait.
Those are my flowers.
That's my food!
Those are my linens.
That's my...
I think she was gonna say "cake"!
I always liked her.
So, uh... so where were we?
Gretchen?
Derek?
Who's this guy?
He's my ex-husband.
Oh, come on!
What are you doing here?
Some crazy lady called and said you were getting married.
Well, actually,
what she said was,
"Gretchen, pretty, pretty brid""
followed by two minutes of intense vomiting.
Pretty sure that was her.
Boo-ya!
Gretchen, I know I made some horrible mistakes.
I drank too much, I wrecked your truck,
I cheated on you with your best friend.
In your truck. While I was drunk.
Which is why I wrecked it.
Lose your dog and you got a country song.
I wouldn't know. I'm more into hip-hop.
I miss you, baby. I want you back.
Hey, Derek,
if you want her back,
you're gonna have to go through me.
Fine by me.
And him.
Look, seeing you in that white dress right before
I beat up two goobers reminds me of our wedding.
But this time the cake's not in the shape of Dale Jr.,
which is a huge oversight.
Derek...
You're not actually considering this, are you?
I don't know. I'm so confused.
I mean, Derek and I have so much history together.
This is really hard.
That's what she said.
That's what they say.
I'm sorry, Alan. I-I at least have to talk to him.
Gretchen, wait!
It's times like this a son needs his mother.
I'm gonna slip out the back.
Serves you right, you bastard.
I mean, I love you.
Let's work this out.
Best wedding ever!
Yep! And I got the whole thing on...
Aw, crap, I had it on photo.
♪ Men. ♪
How you doing?
I've had better days.
Hey, I'm sorry, buddy.
Later, I'll run you a Bublé bath.
Thanks.
Gretchen called.
She said it's not over.
She's just sorting things out.
Oh, buddy.
"Sorting things out" is just people's way
of not giving you bad news.
So I take it your...
mom's not gonna give you the money for your own place?
I'm just sorting things out.
You know what?
I didn't really want you to leave anyway.
Aw. Thanks.
Can you believe it?
We're still together, three years later.
I know.
I thought for sure it was over when Charlie died.
Thank God I showed up.
You're telling me. Hmm.
I... You know, I've been so busy lately.
I-I really miss hanging out with you.
Yeah. Me, too. You know, we should pick a night
where we just always get together.
No matter what's going on, once a week, we just do this.
Okay, I like it. I like it.
How 'bout, uh, here every Thursday night?
9:00.
It's a date.
Uh, don't call it a date.
Just call it... two men hanging out.
Hey.
What about me?
Okay, fine. Two and a half men.
== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man
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