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Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
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I'm dead.
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You're in the hospital.
You had a mild heart attack.
4
00:00:06,351 --> 00:00:07,450
I almost died, Alan.
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00:00:07,452 --> 00:00:09,152
But the important thing is
you didn't.
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00:00:09,154 --> 00:00:11,721
Other than you guys and my mom,
I got nobody.
7
00:00:11,723 --> 00:00:13,122
At least you
got Jake.
8
00:00:13,124 --> 00:00:14,490
I want to have a kid of my own.
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You are obviously more than qualified.
Thank you.
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I'd start looking
at golden retriever puppies,
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'cause there's no way
you're getting a baby.
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You're a single guy,
and the system
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is really geared
towards married couples.
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Alan Harper,
will you marry me?
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♪ Men. ♪
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Wait. You seriously
want to marry me?
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Yes.
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Alan Jerome Harper,
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would you be my wi...?
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Hus...?
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Life buddy?
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Okay, I'm a little confused.
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And not like the time I-I got
that massage from that lady-boy.
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Look, I want
to adopt a kid,
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00:00:53,431 --> 00:00:56,566
and the quickest way for me
to do that is to get married.
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00:00:56,568 --> 00:00:58,768
And if I'm gonna
settle for someone,
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00:00:58,770 --> 00:01:00,503
it might as well be you.
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00:01:00,505 --> 00:01:03,339
That's exactly what
my first wife said.
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Listen, I-I know
this sounds crazy,
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00:01:06,111 --> 00:01:09,579
but you would be doing me
the biggest favor of my life.
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Walden, there are
literally millions of women
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who would marry you
at the drop of a hat.
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Yeah, but I wouldn't be
half as happy
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00:01:14,886 --> 00:01:16,920
with any of them
as I would be with you.
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Go on.
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When-when I think of
the ten things I want in a wife,
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you have nine of them.
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You're my best friend,
you're trustworthy,
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you're loving, you're smart,
you'll never leave me.
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Married or not, till
death do us part.
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You're funny,
you're understanding.
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You don't care
if I leave the toilet seat up.
43
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I actually prefer it.
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Although, the other night,
I forgot it was up,
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and I had a surprise
splash-down.
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I was like a
turtle on its back.
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Right there. That's another one.
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As long as you're around,
49
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I will never be the most
awkward guy in the room.
50
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So, what's the one thing
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00:01:56,294 --> 00:01:59,262
you want in a wife
that I don't have?
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Oh. Right, right.
53
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I-I do not have
one of those.
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I barely have one of these.
55
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I mean, how would
this work exactly?
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I mean, we're gonna
pretend to be a couple?
57
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We wouldn't pretend.
58
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We're actually going
to be a same-sex married couple.
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And like most married couples,
we will not have sex.
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Not even on my birthday?
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Sorry, sorry... flashback
to the first wife.
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So, so, I can have
crazy, anonymous sex
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with any woman I want?
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No. You will still be you.
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Oh.
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Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.
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Dr. Alan Schmidt.
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What are you doing?
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Oh, just trying
to see what sounds best.
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Yes, Mr. and Mr. Harper-Schmidt,
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welcome back
to the Four Seasons.
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Your ocean front suite is ready.
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Okay, cut the Schmidt.
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00:02:58,857 --> 00:03:01,424
Oh, yeah, I'd have
to put up with that Schmidt.
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But you know what?
I'm gonna own it.
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I don't give a Schmidt.
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What are you saying?
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I'm saying, yes, I'll marry you,
you big dumb Schmidt.
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Ah.
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Oh, please tell me that's
ChapStick in your pocket.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
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♪ Two and a Half Men 12x02 ♪
A Chic Bar in Ibiza
Original Air Date on November
84
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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♪ Men. ♪
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Hi, Mom.
Thanks for coming over.
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What is so important
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that I had to leave halfway
through my bikini wax?
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00:03:38,584 --> 00:03:40,918
I look like a black
and white cookie.
90
00:03:42,655 --> 00:03:46,723
Wow. In one fell swoop, there
goes cookies and vaginas.
91
00:03:47,993 --> 00:03:50,627
What's going on?
92
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Is this another
intervention?
93
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For the millionth time, I do not
have a drinking problem.
94
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No, Evelyn.
It's-it's a celebration.
95
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Well, in that case,
96
00:04:00,339 --> 00:04:02,439
I'll have a double martini
and hold the vermouth.
97
00:04:02,441 --> 00:04:04,474
Hello. I'm Robin.
I'm Walden's mother.
98
00:04:04,476 --> 00:04:06,310
Oh, how nice
to finally meet you.
99
00:04:06,312 --> 00:04:09,613
You have a wonderful son
and amazing breasts.
100
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Who did them?
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God?
102
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Well, he's still the best.
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Although Dr. Schenkman
runs a close second.
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They are lovely.
105
00:04:20,226 --> 00:04:23,527
Okay, can everyone stop talking
about my mom's boobs? God.
106
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Oh, my God, that's why I had
so many friends in high school.
107
00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:30,400
So, what's
the big announcement?
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Uh... Well...
109
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Alan and I...
110
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We're getting married!
111
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:38,775
Dude! What the hell! We
agreed I was gonna say it.
112
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Sorry, sorry.
I'm just so excited.
113
00:04:40,479 --> 00:04:44,715
Uh, no offense, but
can't you do better than Alan?
114
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Back up. You are marrying him?
115
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Yup.
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Ow! What was
that for?
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For marrying Zippy.
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Hey! Why are you
hitting me?!
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For being Zippy.
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This sounds great,
except for one thing.
121
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You guys aren't gay.
122
00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:03,300
No, we're not gay.
123
00:05:03,302 --> 00:05:05,168
We are getting
married because...
124
00:05:05,170 --> 00:05:07,571
It'll make it easier
for him to adopt a child!
125
00:05:07,573 --> 00:05:09,239
Aah, come on!
126
00:05:09,241 --> 00:05:10,641
Uh, thank you, Berta.
127
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Hold on.
128
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You want a child?
129
00:05:13,512 --> 00:05:15,512
Yes. I've been doing
a lot of thinking
130
00:05:15,514 --> 00:05:17,714
about my life,
and I believe
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00:05:17,716 --> 00:05:20,317
that having a kid would
add more meaning to it.
132
00:05:20,319 --> 00:05:22,619
Parenthood can be
very rewarding.
133
00:05:22,621 --> 00:05:24,821
Some of the time.
134
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So, this marriage
is just a sham?
135
00:05:28,427 --> 00:05:30,861
I didn't march in all
of those gay rights parades
136
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so you guys could make a mockery
of our hard-won civil liberties.
137
00:05:34,333 --> 00:05:35,532
You marched in
those parades
138
00:05:35,534 --> 00:05:37,567
so you could get drunk
and pick up chicks.
139
00:05:37,569 --> 00:05:41,004
Hard-won chicks.
140
00:05:41,006 --> 00:05:43,407
All right, look, we're not
making a mockery of anything,
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00:05:43,409 --> 00:05:46,043
and I get the challenges
that gay couples face,
142
00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:49,079
but I-I also know that there
are a lot of kids out there
143
00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:51,114
that are just looking
for a good home,
144
00:05:51,116 --> 00:05:53,150
and I think we
can provide that.
145
00:05:53,152 --> 00:05:55,118
And I get health insurance.
146
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,354
You guys are lucky
you're in California.
147
00:05:57,356 --> 00:06:00,123
In some states, they still don't
let gay couples get married
148
00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:01,425
or adopt kids.
149
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:03,093
You know, when
I was in Utah,
150
00:06:03,095 --> 00:06:06,596
I vomited on a police officer,
and I was arrested.
151
00:06:07,466 --> 00:06:10,100
Simply for being gay.
152
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:13,804
Wow, this is a lot to take in.
153
00:06:13,806 --> 00:06:17,007
My son is going to get married
and have a child with...
154
00:06:18,243 --> 00:06:21,812
Oh, God, where...
where did I go wrong?
155
00:06:23,716 --> 00:06:25,983
♪ Men. ♪
156
00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:29,953
Oh, there he is,
my same-sex shorty.
157
00:06:31,190 --> 00:06:33,757
My friend with no benefits.
158
00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:36,927
My boo.
159
00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:40,530
You know, I do have 99 problems,
and you're all of them.
160
00:06:42,501 --> 00:06:43,934
What's all this?
161
00:06:43,936 --> 00:06:45,168
Uh, oh, I'm, uh...
162
00:06:45,170 --> 00:06:47,404
I'm making a dream
board for our wedding.
163
00:06:47,406 --> 00:06:48,939
Uh, there's also
a Pinterest page,
164
00:06:48,941 --> 00:06:51,708
or you can go to: Alan
and Walden's big day dot com.
165
00:06:51,710 --> 00:06:54,211
Yeah, I got the link
you sent me.
166
00:06:54,213 --> 00:06:56,713
Uh, I really loved
the photoshopped picture
167
00:06:56,715 --> 00:06:59,116
of both us peeking
around the same tree.
168
00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:03,653
However, you know,
169
00:07:03,655 --> 00:07:06,523
we're not doing, like,
a big, lavish wedding.
170
00:07:06,525 --> 00:07:08,025
Oh, okay, I get it.
171
00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:09,760
You know,
small destination wedding.
172
00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:12,729
Just the two of us, the beach,
wearing leis around our necks,
173
00:07:12,731 --> 00:07:15,632
matching linen shirts,
sand tickling our toes.
174
00:07:16,535 --> 00:07:18,635
Seagulls flying overhead.
175
00:07:19,671 --> 00:07:22,606
Ca-kaw! Ca-kaw!
176
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:26,009
And where do you see this
happening?
177
00:07:26,011 --> 00:07:29,479
Well, obviously,
there's Hawaii and Cabo.
178
00:07:29,481 --> 00:07:30,914
Um,
179
00:07:30,916 --> 00:07:32,816
I'd be happy
with either one of those.
180
00:07:32,818 --> 00:07:35,786
Um, but I hear that Greece is
fabulous this time of year.
181
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:38,321
And just FYI, Mykonos is very
friendly to same-sex couples.
182
00:07:38,323 --> 00:07:40,023
Opa!
183
00:07:40,893 --> 00:07:43,693
Nopa!
184
00:07:43,695 --> 00:07:45,529
We're getting married
in the courthouse.
185
00:07:45,531 --> 00:07:48,498
Please tell me “the courthouse"
is a chic bar in Ibiza.
186
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,400
No, it's a rundown courthouse
187
00:07:50,402 --> 00:07:52,469
around the corner
from the Jiffy Lube.
188
00:07:52,471 --> 00:07:53,737
We'll pay 50 bucks,
189
00:07:53,739 --> 00:07:55,305
we'll do some paperwork,
190
00:07:55,307 --> 00:07:57,107
and if you're good,
we'll go outside
191
00:07:57,109 --> 00:07:59,576
to the food truck,
and I'll buy you a gyro.
192
00:07:59,578 --> 00:08:02,112
Opa!
193
00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:03,780
Oh.
194
00:08:03,782 --> 00:08:05,949
Okay. I see.
195
00:08:05,951 --> 00:08:07,918
What's wrong?
196
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,020
Nothing.
197
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:12,022
Talk to me.
198
00:08:12,024 --> 00:08:13,657
No, it's fine.
199
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:15,725
You know, I just
wanted to make sure
200
00:08:15,727 --> 00:08:17,494
this whole thing
was special for us,
201
00:08:17,496 --> 00:08:19,763
for you, but, you know,
it's no big deal.
202
00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:22,232
I'm sure we can
still make it special.
203
00:08:22,234 --> 00:08:24,301
Maybe, uh... maybe Jenny
can take some pictures
204
00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:26,336
on her iPhone.
205
00:08:26,338 --> 00:08:28,572
Alan, come on.
206
00:08:28,574 --> 00:08:30,774
Don't touch me.
207
00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:35,712
Look, this isn't about us.
208
00:08:35,714 --> 00:08:37,981
It's about bringing
a kid into our lives.
209
00:08:37,983 --> 00:08:40,250
It's a simple
business transaction,
210
00:08:40,252 --> 00:08:42,953
like paying an electric bill,
or buying dinner, or...
211
00:08:42,955 --> 00:08:44,888
writing a rent check.
212
00:08:44,890 --> 00:08:48,425
Stop me when I land on something
you've actually done.
213
00:08:48,427 --> 00:08:49,759
I just got excited
214
00:08:49,761 --> 00:08:51,461
because I've never had the
wedding I always dreamed of.
215
00:08:51,463 --> 00:08:55,999
Right, the wedding
that every little boy dreams of.
216
00:08:56,001 --> 00:09:00,737
You know, we still need
to get each other rings.
217
00:09:00,739 --> 00:09:02,906
We can just get something
online.
218
00:09:02,908 --> 00:09:06,543
Or we could go into
Beverly Hills and have brunch,
219
00:09:06,545 --> 00:09:08,612
and go ring shopping together.
220
00:09:08,614 --> 00:09:10,981
Really?
221
00:09:10,983 --> 00:09:12,549
Sure.
222
00:09:12,551 --> 00:09:15,318
Because I do have ideas.
223
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:19,422
♪ Men. ♪
224
00:09:19,424 --> 00:09:21,191
Hey, Berta,
225
00:09:21,193 --> 00:09:22,826
do we have any carrots?
226
00:09:22,828 --> 00:09:25,762
Oh, wait. I've got 14 karats
of white gold
227
00:09:25,764 --> 00:09:27,264
right here.
228
00:09:27,266 --> 00:09:30,534
You'll make a beautiful
bride, Zippy.
229
00:09:30,536 --> 00:09:33,503
Hey.
Hey, there's my future baby daddy!
230
00:09:34,573 --> 00:09:37,307
If I got to listen to this,
I got to be a lot higher.
231
00:09:40,078 --> 00:09:43,113
Hey, uh, I got some paperwork
for you to sign.
232
00:09:43,115 --> 00:09:45,448
Oh, uh, and I've got some
paperwork for you to sign.
233
00:09:45,450 --> 00:09:48,018
Guess it's true. Married couples
do start to think alike.
234
00:09:48,020 --> 00:09:52,289
Maybe soon, we'll start to
look alike, he said hopefully.
235
00:09:52,291 --> 00:09:55,125
It's the application form
for our marriage license.
236
00:09:55,127 --> 00:09:57,727
Oh, look at you.
Yeah.
237
00:09:57,729 --> 00:09:59,663
I guess somebody's
gonna get that money
238
00:09:59,665 --> 00:10:01,565
for that Mani-pedi
he wants after all.
239
00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:03,433
Ah, you spoil me.
240
00:10:03,435 --> 00:10:05,735
No, I'm just trying to be
a good business partner.
241
00:10:05,737 --> 00:10:08,638
The Johnson to
your Johnson.
242
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:09,973
Wait, that-that
didn't come out right.
243
00:10:09,975 --> 00:10:12,075
So, uh... so what do
you need me to sign?
244
00:10:12,077 --> 00:10:14,511
Uh, just this.
245
00:10:14,513 --> 00:10:16,546
Oh. What's that?
246
00:10:16,548 --> 00:10:19,149
Oh, it's a simple dissolution
of services agreement.
247
00:10:20,285 --> 00:10:23,753
Oh! Oh, you-you mean,
like a... like a prenup?
248
00:10:23,755 --> 00:10:26,056
Yup. So, it's not a big deal.
249
00:10:26,058 --> 00:10:29,759
Just go ahead and sign it,
he said hopefully.
250
00:10:29,761 --> 00:10:32,028
Why do we need a prenup?
251
00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:33,530
And here we go.
252
00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:34,864
Uh...
253
00:10:34,866 --> 00:10:36,733
when couples get married,
254
00:10:36,735 --> 00:10:38,602
finances become complicated,
255
00:10:38,604 --> 00:10:40,904
and this just simplifies it.
256
00:10:40,906 --> 00:10:42,272
Oh, does it?
257
00:10:42,274 --> 00:10:44,341
'Cause it seems like
it's pretty simple right now.
258
00:10:44,343 --> 00:10:45,542
You don't trust me.
259
00:10:45,544 --> 00:10:47,277
Okay, that's not true at all.
260
00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:48,478
Isn't it?
261
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:50,914
I mean, is this what
you really think of me?
262
00:10:50,916 --> 00:10:53,850
That I'm some kind
of gold digger?
263
00:10:53,852 --> 00:10:57,387
Okay, yes, I have lived here
four years rent-free.
264
00:10:57,389 --> 00:10:59,756
Look, why do you have
to make this difficult?
265
00:10:59,758 --> 00:11:02,192
You know, why do you make
everything so difficult?
266
00:11:02,194 --> 00:11:04,594
It's like yesterday at brunch,
when you sent back the champagne
267
00:11:04,596 --> 00:11:08,465
because the bubbles didn't taste
like “a mouthful of stars”"
268
00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:11,334
If it doesn't explode in
your mouth, what's the point?
269
00:11:11,336 --> 00:11:15,238
You said that to the waiter,
too, and it was troubling then!
270
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,907
Look, I'm just trying
to protect my assets.
271
00:11:17,909 --> 00:11:20,744
Oh-oh, yeah? Well, then maybe
I should protect my assets.
272
00:11:20,746 --> 00:11:23,013
You know, don't worry, I'm pretty sure
that your VHS copy
273
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:25,148
of Dirty Dancing
and your complete collection
274
00:11:25,150 --> 00:11:27,884
of Ghostbusters trading cards
are safe.
275
00:11:27,886 --> 00:11:31,588
I am a collector
of '80s movie memorabilia.
276
00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:35,325
And hobby mocking is not
an attractive color on you.
277
00:11:36,261 --> 00:11:38,094
Hobby mocker.
278
00:11:38,096 --> 00:11:41,231
I also have one other asset
that you cannot have,
279
00:11:41,233 --> 00:11:42,699
my dignity.
280
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:43,933
Your dignity?!
Mm-hmm.
281
00:11:43,935 --> 00:11:45,535
Your dignity...?
Yes.
282
00:11:45,537 --> 00:11:47,504
Really? 'Cause I'm pretty sure
that the security guard
283
00:11:47,506 --> 00:11:49,539
at the shopping mall had
to remove the bench
284
00:11:49,541 --> 00:11:52,776
from outside of Victoria's
Secret because of you!
285
00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:55,578
Mall flogger!
286
00:11:55,580 --> 00:11:58,248
I got to tell you, I'm having a lot of
second thoughts right now.
287
00:11:58,250 --> 00:12:00,750
Really? Because this is exactly
where I want to be in my life,
288
00:12:00,752 --> 00:12:03,853
begging a 47-year-old man
to marry me.
289
00:12:03,855 --> 00:12:06,289
Now sign the prenup!
290
00:12:06,291 --> 00:12:08,291
I agreed to marry you,
but that doesn't mean you get
291
00:12:08,293 --> 00:12:09,926
to shove whatever you want
down my throat
292
00:12:09,928 --> 00:12:11,528
and expect me to swallow it!
293
00:12:11,530 --> 00:12:14,564
Do-do you... do you even hear
294
00:12:14,566 --> 00:12:16,800
the words that you are saying?!
295
00:12:16,802 --> 00:12:19,869
How about these words?
The wedding's off!
296
00:12:24,242 --> 00:12:28,345
I can't even get Alan Harper
to marry me.
297
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:32,082
♪ Men. ♪
298
00:12:38,802 --> 00:12:41,402
♪ Men. ♪
Boy, this better be important.
299
00:12:41,404 --> 00:12:43,938
I just saw you
two days ago.
300
00:12:43,940 --> 00:12:46,708
Walden and I broke up.
The-the wedding is off.
301
00:12:46,710 --> 00:12:47,710
Oh, Alan.
302
00:12:47,711 --> 00:12:49,777
You had a rich husband
on the hook
303
00:12:49,779 --> 00:12:51,446
and you couldn't reel him in.
304
00:12:52,282 --> 00:12:53,848
What happened?
305
00:12:53,850 --> 00:12:56,784
Well, he asked me to sign
a prenup and I refused.
306
00:12:56,786 --> 00:12:59,320
Well, of course you refused.
307
00:12:59,322 --> 00:13:03,191
The woman I paid to raise you
did not raise a fool.
308
00:13:03,193 --> 00:13:04,792
Mom, I don't want his money.
309
00:13:06,830 --> 00:13:09,897
Never say that again.
310
00:13:09,899 --> 00:13:11,232
Is that a new ring?
311
00:13:11,234 --> 00:13:13,034
Feels like Cartier.
312
00:13:13,036 --> 00:13:15,637
Yes, it is.
And you know who gave it to me?
313
00:13:15,639 --> 00:13:16,971
My rich husband.
314
00:13:16,973 --> 00:13:20,341
When Marty and I married, the
only thing I was willing to sign
315
00:13:20,343 --> 00:13:23,611
was his “do not resuscitate”
order.
316
00:13:23,613 --> 00:13:26,614
Walden says this wedding is just
a-a business transaction.
317
00:13:26,616 --> 00:13:28,516
H-How many business
transactions end
318
00:13:28,518 --> 00:13:31,686
with the release of
grand monarch butterflies?
319
00:13:31,688 --> 00:13:33,821
Darling, it is
just business.
320
00:13:33,823 --> 00:13:36,824
He's using you
to get what he wants,
321
00:13:36,826 --> 00:13:39,727
and you should be using him
to get what you want:
322
00:13:39,729 --> 00:13:41,663
financial security.
323
00:13:41,665 --> 00:13:43,398
I'm not doing it for
financial security.
324
00:13:43,400 --> 00:13:45,033
Walden genuinely
wants a child,
325
00:13:45,035 --> 00:13:48,069
the same way that I wanted
Jake and-and you wanted...
326
00:13:48,071 --> 00:13:50,038
Charlie.
327
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:51,873
I just thought that
after four years together
328
00:13:51,875 --> 00:13:53,541
that he would trust me
when it comes to money.
329
00:13:53,543 --> 00:13:57,378
Oh, darling, after 47 years,
I don't trust you.
330
00:13:57,380 --> 00:14:00,348
Maybe, uh, a-a
prenup is justified.
331
00:14:00,350 --> 00:14:02,050
Maybe I am just a sponge.
332
00:14:02,052 --> 00:14:04,185
A-a-a parasite.
333
00:14:04,187 --> 00:14:08,623
And-and he tolerates me
because he's my best friend.
334
00:14:09,426 --> 00:14:10,491
And I've let him down,
335
00:14:10,493 --> 00:14:13,294
and all I want to
do is make him happy.
336
00:14:13,296 --> 00:14:15,330
“Best friend.”
337
00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:17,031
“Happy.”
338
00:14:17,033 --> 00:14:19,734
I just have no idea where
you got these warped views
339
00:14:19,736 --> 00:14:21,269
on marriage.
340
00:14:21,271 --> 00:14:22,770
He wouldn't sign a prenup?
341
00:14:22,772 --> 00:14:26,074
No, he got all upset
and he threw a hissy fit.
342
00:14:26,076 --> 00:14:28,543
“You don't trust me.
The wedding's off.
343
00:14:28,545 --> 00:14:32,080
I'm going to
Ibiza by myself”"
344
00:14:32,082 --> 00:14:34,315
Let's face it, the man
is simply not your equal.
345
00:14:34,317 --> 00:14:36,617
If the two of you were
on a plane that crashed
346
00:14:36,619 --> 00:14:40,488
in the mountains, Alan would be
the first person eaten.
347
00:14:40,490 --> 00:14:42,023
On the other hand,
348
00:14:42,025 --> 00:14:43,825
you're handsome,
successful, smart.
349
00:14:43,827 --> 00:14:46,127
You would be eaten last.
350
00:14:46,129 --> 00:14:49,831
You're just saying I'd be eaten
last 'cause you're my mom.
351
00:14:49,833 --> 00:14:52,767
Well, listen, I know you're
serious about this child thing,
352
00:14:52,769 --> 00:14:55,932
so I mentioned your situation
to a very cute intern at work.
353
00:14:55,933 --> 00:14:56,997
You didn't.
354
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:59,550
Oh, Jessica's very amenable
to striking a business deal.
355
00:14:59,642 --> 00:15:00,975
Plus,
356
00:15:00,977 --> 00:15:03,211
she's already visited
Dr. Schenkman,
357
00:15:03,213 --> 00:15:04,579
if you know what I mean.
358
00:15:04,581 --> 00:15:07,548
Mom, that's exactly
what I don't want.
359
00:15:07,550 --> 00:15:09,283
I don't even
know this Jess...
360
00:15:09,285 --> 00:15:11,986
Holy Schenkman.
361
00:15:11,988 --> 00:15:14,122
Look, I-I w...
362
00:15:17,994 --> 00:15:21,462
No, she'd be eaten first.
363
00:15:21,464 --> 00:15:24,565
Look, no, I want
someone that I can trust.
364
00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:27,001
That's why I picked Alan
in the first place.
365
00:15:27,003 --> 00:15:29,003
How can you possibly trust him?
366
00:15:29,005 --> 00:15:31,139
He siphons gas out of your car.
367
00:15:31,141 --> 00:15:32,507
Technically, I never caught him.
368
00:15:32,509 --> 00:15:33,841
I just assumed that he did it
369
00:15:33,843 --> 00:15:35,510
'cause the garden hose smelled
like gas
370
00:15:35,512 --> 00:15:37,245
and one time he burped
near a candle
371
00:15:37,247 --> 00:15:39,414
and it lit the couch on fire.
372
00:15:39,416 --> 00:15:42,417
I don't know why you ever
let Alan live with you in the first place.
373
00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:44,352
Uh, for starters,
he saved my life.
374
00:15:44,354 --> 00:15:47,021
And... he's been
there for me,
375
00:15:47,023 --> 00:15:51,659
every time that I needed him
and even times when I didn't.
376
00:15:51,661 --> 00:15:54,095
The bottom line is...
377
00:15:54,097 --> 00:15:56,097
he's my best friend.
378
00:15:56,099 --> 00:15:57,231
Jessica could be
your best friend.
379
00:15:57,233 --> 00:15:59,400
I'm not going out with Jessica.
380
00:15:59,402 --> 00:16:00,968
Fine. I get it.
381
00:16:00,970 --> 00:16:03,171
I do have another intern
that you might like better.
382
00:16:03,173 --> 00:16:05,139
His name is Derek.
He does Pilates...
383
00:16:05,141 --> 00:16:06,974
Mom, I'm not gay!
384
00:16:06,976 --> 00:16:09,076
I-I just want to marry a man.
385
00:16:09,078 --> 00:16:12,480
Why is that so difficult
to understand?
386
00:16:12,482 --> 00:16:14,782
♪ Men. ♪
387
00:16:15,585 --> 00:16:17,752
Hey.
388
00:16:17,754 --> 00:16:19,921
Hey.
389
00:16:19,923 --> 00:16:22,523
Listen...
About earlier...
390
00:16:22,525 --> 00:16:25,460
Uh, that-that's,
that's my fault.
391
00:16:25,462 --> 00:16:28,463
I-I totally get why I need
to sign a prenup.
392
00:16:28,465 --> 00:16:31,232
I mean, there's guys standing
at freeway onramps
393
00:16:31,234 --> 00:16:33,134
that make more money than I do.
394
00:16:33,136 --> 00:16:36,103
You know what,
you don't need to sign it.
395
00:16:36,105 --> 00:16:38,039
Despite my mother's objections
396
00:16:38,041 --> 00:16:39,974
and despite everything
I've learned from...
397
00:16:39,976 --> 00:16:42,210
two seasons of Basketball Wives,
398
00:16:42,212 --> 00:16:44,178
I trust you completely.
399
00:16:44,180 --> 00:16:45,713
That's nice, but, uh,
400
00:16:45,715 --> 00:16:48,583
I already signed it
and sent it to your attorney.
401
00:16:48,585 --> 00:16:49,585
Really?
402
00:16:49,586 --> 00:16:52,019
Thank you. I-I owe you.
403
00:16:52,021 --> 00:16:53,387
You owe me nothing.
404
00:16:53,389 --> 00:16:55,423
I mean, other than two dollars
for the envelope
405
00:16:55,425 --> 00:16:57,825
and $1.75 for postage.
406
00:16:57,827 --> 00:16:59,393
Nothing for gas?
407
00:16:59,395 --> 00:17:01,596
No, I just filled up.
408
00:17:06,503 --> 00:17:09,103
Will you still be my husband?
409
00:17:09,105 --> 00:17:11,372
You know I can't quit you.
410
00:17:11,374 --> 00:17:12,673
Listen, I-I know
this isn't the wedding
411
00:17:12,675 --> 00:17:14,008
that you've always dreamed of,
412
00:17:14,010 --> 00:17:16,844
but I-I got a little surprise
for you for the ceremony.
413
00:17:16,846 --> 00:17:20,248
Tell me Vera Wang
started making tuxes.
414
00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:21,616
Even better.
415
00:17:21,618 --> 00:17:25,953
♪ When a man loves another man ♪
416
00:17:27,323 --> 00:17:29,457
♪ Can't keep his mind
on nothing else... ♪
417
00:17:29,459 --> 00:17:33,060
Oh... my... God.
418
00:17:33,062 --> 00:17:35,129
It's like you live
inside my dreams.
419
00:17:35,131 --> 00:17:37,865
Happy wife, happy life.
420
00:17:37,867 --> 00:17:39,834
Uh, fellas, can
we get this going?
421
00:17:39,836 --> 00:17:42,036
There's a lot of gay couples
here who'd like to get married
422
00:17:42,038 --> 00:17:44,405
before the Supreme Court
changes its mind.
423
00:17:44,407 --> 00:17:46,741
Plus, this place
is crawling with cops,
424
00:17:46,743 --> 00:17:49,076
and I've got six months
to a year hidden in my purse.
425
00:17:49,078 --> 00:17:52,380
♪ When a man loves
another man ♪
426
00:17:52,382 --> 00:17:54,048
Kill it, Bolton.
427
00:17:56,920 --> 00:17:58,719
Hello, Michael.
428
00:17:58,721 --> 00:18:00,955
You know, I have a vibrator
named after you.
429
00:18:00,957 --> 00:18:02,456
Well, that's very flattering.
430
00:18:02,458 --> 00:18:03,991
Would you like me to sign it?
431
00:18:03,993 --> 00:18:06,127
I have a special pen.
432
00:18:07,397 --> 00:18:08,397
What a coincidence.
433
00:18:08,398 --> 00:18:10,064
I have a bit of
a nasty habit
434
00:18:10,066 --> 00:18:13,000
of putting the tips
of pens into my mouth.
435
00:18:15,638 --> 00:18:17,338
We're here
to join Walden Schmidt
436
00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:19,974
and Alan Harper
in legal marriage.
437
00:18:19,976 --> 00:18:21,943
Have you two written
your own vows?
438
00:18:21,945 --> 00:18:23,311
No, the, uh, standard...
the standard
439
00:18:23,313 --> 00:18:25,880
“for richer, for poorer”
actually fits us quite well.
440
00:18:25,882 --> 00:18:26,914
Actually,
441
00:18:26,916 --> 00:18:29,350
I've written
a little something down.
442
00:18:29,352 --> 00:18:31,085
What? You didn't.
443
00:18:31,087 --> 00:18:32,320
I wanted to surprise you.
444
00:18:32,322 --> 00:18:34,288
Vows and Bolton?
445
00:18:34,290 --> 00:18:35,590
♪ When a man... ♪
446
00:18:35,592 --> 00:18:37,258
Not the cue, Bolton.
447
00:18:40,296 --> 00:18:41,762
Today,
448
00:18:41,764 --> 00:18:43,598
I'm marrying
my best friend.
449
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,266
Do not cry.
450
00:18:45,268 --> 00:18:48,169
Keep it together, Alan.
451
00:18:48,171 --> 00:18:51,172
In the last four years,
I've been through a lot.
452
00:18:51,174 --> 00:18:55,376
Uh, there's been good times
and bad times.
453
00:18:55,378 --> 00:18:58,879
But through it all,
you were there.
454
00:18:58,881 --> 00:19:02,850
And I can't imagine
a future without you.
455
00:19:04,454 --> 00:19:07,655
I guess what I'm trying
to say is...
456
00:19:07,657 --> 00:19:09,256
I love you.
457
00:19:09,258 --> 00:19:11,125
I love you, too.
458
00:19:14,130 --> 00:19:19,033
This is the gayest wedding
I've ever been to.
459
00:19:19,035 --> 00:19:21,068
I think it's beaut...
Wh-Whose hand is on my ass?
460
00:19:21,070 --> 00:19:23,304
Sorry.
Sorry.
461
00:19:23,306 --> 00:19:25,172
Walden,
462
00:19:25,174 --> 00:19:28,376
do you take Alan to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
463
00:19:29,212 --> 00:19:31,312
I do.
464
00:19:31,314 --> 00:19:33,981
And, Alan, do you take Walden
to be your...
465
00:19:33,983 --> 00:19:35,349
Try and stop me.
466
00:19:35,351 --> 00:19:37,985
I now
pronounce you married.
467
00:19:39,722 --> 00:19:40,655
You may kiss.
468
00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:41,956
Oh. Oh, yeah.
469
00:19:41,958 --> 00:19:44,458
Um, kiss. Right.
470
00:19:44,460 --> 00:19:45,693
Let's...
471
00:19:45,695 --> 00:19:46,994
Aw, what the hell.
472
00:19:51,434 --> 00:19:56,237
♪ When a man loves
another man... ♪
473
00:20:02,626 --> 00:20:04,359
♪ Men. ♪
Morning.
474
00:20:04,361 --> 00:20:08,897
Hey. There's the old
balls and chain.
475
00:20:09,833 --> 00:20:11,800
How was your
wedding night?
476
00:20:11,802 --> 00:20:13,301
Much like my first one.
477
00:20:13,303 --> 00:20:16,371
I spent it
masturbating alone.
478
00:20:16,373 --> 00:20:17,973
You're the only guy I know
479
00:20:17,975 --> 00:20:21,710
that would register
for lotion and tissues.
480
00:20:21,712 --> 00:20:24,212
That was some party
last night, huh?
481
00:20:24,214 --> 00:20:27,115
Yeah, it must have been.
I woke up out here.
482
00:20:27,117 --> 00:20:29,451
And I'm pretty sure I'm
wearing Jenny's underwear.
483
00:20:29,453 --> 00:20:31,119
Yeah.
484
00:20:31,121 --> 00:20:35,290
The whole evening's
a little fuzzy for me, too.
485
00:20:36,493 --> 00:20:38,693
The last thing I remember
is you doing body shots
486
00:20:38,695 --> 00:20:41,496
off of Michael Bolton.
487
00:20:41,498 --> 00:20:44,900
All of us did body shots
off of Michael Bolton.
488
00:20:51,040 --> 00:20:52,374
Even our moms got along.
489
00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:54,209
I wasn't sure they'd
click at first, but...
490
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:56,211
in the end, they
came together.
491
00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:58,547
♪ When a man ♪
492
00:20:58,549 --> 00:21:01,383
♪ Loves two women... ♪
493
00:21:03,945 --> 00:21:10,445
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net