1
00:00:02,422 --> 00:00:03,822
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:06,993 --> 00:00:08,393
Hey!
3
00:00:08,395 --> 00:00:09,861
Oh, hey, morning, Berta.
4
00:00:09,863 --> 00:00:12,964
Little warning, man at work.
5
00:00:12,966 --> 00:00:15,734
Doing a little banging
and screwing.
6
00:00:15,736 --> 00:00:17,803
Little warning for you.
7
00:00:17,805 --> 00:00:22,341
Woman at bar until 2:00 a.m.
doing the same thing.
8
00:00:22,343 --> 00:00:23,742
What are you doing?
9
00:00:23,744 --> 00:00:26,745
I am baby-proofing
the house.
10
00:00:26,747 --> 00:00:28,680
It's a requirement
of the adoption agency,
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00:00:28,682 --> 00:00:29,815
and it's a good thing, too.
12
00:00:29,817 --> 00:00:31,616
This here kitchen
is a death trap.
13
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Whole mess of things up in here
that can kill someone.
14
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We got knives, we got fire,
poison, scalding hot water,
15
00:00:39,159 --> 00:00:41,393
Alan's leftover fish tacos.
16
00:00:41,395 --> 00:00:43,028
You worry too much.
17
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Jake ate a steady diet
of floor wax and detergent,
18
00:00:46,567 --> 00:00:49,601
and he turned out...
19
00:00:49,603 --> 00:00:51,870
Yeah, maybe it's not a bad idea.
20
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I locked all the cabinets
and the drawers,
21
00:00:53,707 --> 00:00:56,041
put these safety knobs
on the stove,
22
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and if you want to access
any chemicals,
23
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you will need
a special magnetic key.
24
00:00:59,780 --> 00:01:01,513
Oh, by the way,
when you're doing the laundry,
25
00:01:01,515 --> 00:01:03,849
keep your eye out
for a special magnetic key.
26
00:01:05,284 --> 00:01:07,886
Why would you need
to lock the towel drawer?
27
00:01:07,888 --> 00:01:10,922
You hide your pot
in the medicine cabinet.
28
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I'm guessing.
29
00:01:12,126 --> 00:01:14,459
That is no ordinary
towel drawer.
30
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That's the first step
on the stairway to disaster.
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Oh, I'm too hungover
for this crap.
32
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Okay, okay.
33
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All right, imagine, if you will,
child pulls out the drawer,
34
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climbs up onto the counter
and toddles over to the window
35
00:01:29,143 --> 00:01:30,709
that has been left open
36
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because Alan finds the smell
of steaming broccoli
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to be "gaggy."
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Whereupon, the child
39
00:01:37,184 --> 00:01:39,818
spots a beautiful kite,
40
00:01:39,820 --> 00:01:43,488
most likely in the shape
of a butterfly or a Pikachu.
41
00:01:43,490 --> 00:01:46,191
The child reaches
for the kite,
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00:01:46,193 --> 00:01:48,427
tumbles out the window,
43
00:01:48,429 --> 00:01:51,296
bounces off the awning,
flying through the air,
44
00:01:51,298 --> 00:01:55,233
heading toward certain death,
when, miraculously, it is caught
45
00:01:55,235 --> 00:01:58,437
by a shirtless
Matthew McConaughey.
46
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"Don't worry,
your baby's gonna be all right,
47
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all right, all right."
48
00:02:05,445 --> 00:02:06,578
Yeah, sure.
49
00:02:06,580 --> 00:02:07,913
You know what,
we got lucky this time,
50
00:02:07,915 --> 00:02:10,949
but we can't depend
on McConaughey every time.
51
00:02:10,951 --> 00:02:15,187
Okay, I'm gonna have to start
hiding the pot from you.
52
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Better safe than sorry.
53
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Every stairway, every toilet,
every sharp corner
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has been locked,
latched or padded.
55
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No one is getting hurt
in this house.
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Hot!
57
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Hot! Hot!
58
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All right, all right,
all right.
59
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
60
00:02:41,682 --> 00:02:43,009
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
61
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♪ Two and a Half Men 12x04 ♪
Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
Original Ai
62
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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♪ Men. ♪
64
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So, as you can see,
65
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I installed a gate
at the top of the stairs,
66
00:02:56,875 --> 00:02:59,075
at the bottom of the stairs,
and as an extra precaution,
67
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I put one in the middle
of the stairs.
68
00:03:01,079 --> 00:03:02,645
Overachiever.
69
00:03:02,647 --> 00:03:05,581
I think he's just trying
to keep me from getting away.
70
00:03:06,651 --> 00:03:09,252
Well, you did a great job
baby-proofing.
71
00:03:09,254 --> 00:03:11,154
I can't imagine anyone
getting hurt in this house.
72
00:03:11,156 --> 00:03:14,390
Really? Try telling me
I look fat in these jeans.
73
00:03:15,793 --> 00:03:18,695
Okay, flame off,
Human Torch.
74
00:03:18,697 --> 00:03:21,364
So, uh, so, what do we do next?
75
00:03:21,366 --> 00:03:22,899
Oh, well, it's pretty simple.
76
00:03:22,901 --> 00:03:24,334
I walk out onto the deck,
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you put a pile of hundreds
on the table,
78
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I come back,
slip them into my purse,
79
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and you get a kid.
80
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I have $5,000 in the bottom
of a toolbox in the garage.
81
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I was joking.
82
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As was I.
83
00:03:38,515 --> 00:03:40,783
Anyway, uh,
I wasn't gonna say anything
84
00:03:40,785 --> 00:03:42,618
until you guys passed
the inspection,
85
00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:44,721
but it looks like
we may have found
86
00:03:44,723 --> 00:03:46,456
a potential match
for the two of you.
87
00:03:48,393 --> 00:03:49,525
We're...
88
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We're getting a baby.
89
00:03:51,162 --> 00:03:52,395
Are you serious?
This is unbelievable.
90
00:03:52,397 --> 00:03:53,629
Well, slow down;
all that's happened so far
91
00:03:53,631 --> 00:03:55,031
is a pregnant mother has seen
your profile
92
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and wants to meet you.
93
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Somebody saw my profile
and wants to meet me?
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00:03:59,738 --> 00:04:02,271
That's so different
than the dating sites.
95
00:04:02,273 --> 00:04:03,606
I can't believe this.
96
00:04:03,608 --> 00:04:05,141
Who is she?
Where is she from?
97
00:04:05,143 --> 00:04:07,009
How old is she? Is she
having a boy or a girl?
98
00:04:07,011 --> 00:04:08,644
Wait, no, la-la-la-la-la!
99
00:04:08,646 --> 00:04:10,279
I don't want to know.
I want to be surprised.
100
00:04:10,281 --> 00:04:11,814
Walden, you're getting ahead
of yourself.
101
00:04:11,816 --> 00:04:12,749
Did you say girl?
102
00:04:12,751 --> 00:04:14,217
I thought I heard
you say girl.
103
00:04:15,085 --> 00:04:16,085
Wait, no, you know what?
104
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Doesn't matter.
105
00:04:17,122 --> 00:04:18,755
Ten fingers and ten toes--
106
00:04:18,757 --> 00:04:21,023
that's all that matters.
107
00:04:21,025 --> 00:04:23,126
Are you not saying anything
'cause it's a boy?
108
00:04:23,128 --> 00:04:25,128
Oh, my God,
we're having a boy!
109
00:04:25,130 --> 00:04:26,062
Okay, Walden,
110
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when you meet the mother,
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you want to come off as a calm,
stable father.
112
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Not like a 14-year-old girl
113
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at a Justin Bieber concert.
114
00:04:33,505 --> 00:04:34,904
Sorry,
we're just really excited.
115
00:04:34,906 --> 00:04:36,806
No, I get it.
I'm excited for you.
116
00:04:36,808 --> 00:04:38,474
I'll call you
when the meeting is set up.
117
00:04:38,476 --> 00:04:39,575
Oh, and by the way,
118
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I think you look fantastic
in those jeans.
119
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Girl, we are gonna be BFFs.
120
00:04:46,450 --> 00:04:48,451
We're gonna have a baby.
121
00:04:48,453 --> 00:04:49,952
We're gonna have a baby.
122
00:04:49,954 --> 00:04:51,354
We're gonna have a baby.
123
00:04:51,356 --> 00:04:53,489
We're gonna have a baby!
124
00:04:53,491 --> 00:04:55,391
We're gonna have a baby!
125
00:04:55,393 --> 00:04:56,692
Oh, we have to celebrate.
126
00:04:56,694 --> 00:04:58,060
Uh, I'll go to the garage
and get some champagne.
127
00:04:58,062 --> 00:04:59,962
Great! We're gonna have a baby!
128
00:04:59,964 --> 00:05:01,364
We're gonna have a...
129
00:05:01,366 --> 00:05:03,433
Wait, we don't have champagne
in the garage.
130
00:05:03,435 --> 00:05:04,500
My toolbox!
131
00:05:04,502 --> 00:05:05,768
Alan!
132
00:05:05,770 --> 00:05:08,237
♪ Men. ♪
133
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,441
Here.
134
00:05:11,443 --> 00:05:13,643
I got this for you.
135
00:05:15,078 --> 00:05:16,245
Why?
136
00:05:16,247 --> 00:05:17,613
I think it would be nice
137
00:05:17,615 --> 00:05:19,816
if we wore matching sweaters
to meet the birth mom.
138
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Twinsies.
139
00:05:21,019 --> 00:05:22,518
We're supposed to be
a married couple,
140
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,954
not half of
a barbershop quartet.
141
00:05:24,956 --> 00:05:27,423
Can't we be both?
142
00:05:27,425 --> 00:05:29,926
♪ Miss McMartin,
bring me a kid ♪
143
00:05:29,928 --> 00:05:31,060
♪ Bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
144
00:05:31,062 --> 00:05:33,663
♪ Marrying you
was a dumb thing I did ♪
145
00:05:33,665 --> 00:05:34,864
♪ Bom-bom-bom-bom. ♪
146
00:05:34,866 --> 00:05:36,999
You were flat.
147
00:05:37,801 --> 00:05:40,403
So, the mom--
you think she's hot?
148
00:05:41,238 --> 00:05:43,239
She's nine months pregnant!
149
00:05:43,241 --> 00:05:44,340
I know.
150
00:05:44,342 --> 00:05:46,642
Love me some preggos.
151
00:05:47,544 --> 00:05:49,545
38-62-38.
152
00:05:49,547 --> 00:05:52,682
Baby got back and front.
153
00:05:52,684 --> 00:05:54,750
Okay, listen.
154
00:05:54,752 --> 00:05:57,653
If we want this girl
to give us her baby,
155
00:05:57,655 --> 00:05:59,655
she has to think that
we're a well-adjusted couple.
156
00:05:59,657 --> 00:06:01,657
If she gets a creepy vibe
off of you,
157
00:06:01,659 --> 00:06:03,392
she's gonna turn and run
the other way.
158
00:06:03,394 --> 00:06:04,727
And I'm only saying this
159
00:06:04,729 --> 00:06:06,696
'cause I'm getting a creepy vibe
off of you.
160
00:06:09,700 --> 00:06:12,201
Says the guy who Googled
"Helen Mirren nip slip."
161
00:06:12,203 --> 00:06:14,403
Helen is timeless.
162
00:06:14,405 --> 00:06:15,771
Now, listen.
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00:06:15,773 --> 00:06:17,173
If you mess this up for me,
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I will make your life
a living hell.
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00:06:19,110 --> 00:06:21,210
Now, remember,
we love each other.
166
00:06:25,649 --> 00:06:27,817
Hello, Mama.
167
00:06:28,752 --> 00:06:30,086
Hi.
168
00:06:30,088 --> 00:06:31,287
Hi, you must be Kathy.
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00:06:31,289 --> 00:06:34,891
Yes, uh, welcome to
our Malibu dream house.
170
00:06:34,893 --> 00:06:36,392
He's Ken.
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00:06:36,394 --> 00:06:38,861
Oh, I guess that
makes me Barbie.
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00:06:39,796 --> 00:06:41,130
I'm Walden.
173
00:06:41,132 --> 00:06:42,398
This is Alan.
174
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:43,799
Come in.
175
00:06:43,801 --> 00:06:44,934
Here, c-can I take your coat?
176
00:06:44,936 --> 00:06:46,035
Oh, thank you.
177
00:06:47,505 --> 00:06:49,338
Wow!
178
00:06:49,340 --> 00:06:50,606
Look at you!
179
00:06:50,608 --> 00:06:52,742
So very pregnant.
180
00:06:52,744 --> 00:06:53,943
Coat.
181
00:06:53,945 --> 00:06:55,811
I know.
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00:06:55,813 --> 00:06:57,880
I haven't seen
my feet since July.
183
00:06:57,882 --> 00:07:00,016
Am I wearing matching shoes?
184
00:07:00,018 --> 00:07:01,684
Um...
185
00:07:01,686 --> 00:07:02,885
actually, no.
186
00:07:02,887 --> 00:07:04,921
Uh, but you know what, it works.
It's cute.
187
00:07:04,923 --> 00:07:06,155
Um, please sit.
188
00:07:06,157 --> 00:07:07,757
Yeah, please.
How you feeling?
189
00:07:07,759 --> 00:07:09,392
My ankles are swollen,
190
00:07:09,394 --> 00:07:11,827
my back hurts,
and forget about my breasts.
191
00:07:11,829 --> 00:07:14,830
I haven't even noticed,
you know, 'cause I'm gay.
192
00:07:14,832 --> 00:07:16,332
That's...
193
00:07:16,334 --> 00:07:18,401
That's my rainbow warrior.
194
00:07:18,403 --> 00:07:20,736
Always waving his flag.
195
00:07:20,738 --> 00:07:22,772
Even when it relates
to nothing.
196
00:07:22,774 --> 00:07:26,609
Um, so, uh,
tell us about Kathy.
197
00:07:26,611 --> 00:07:28,511
I think the first thing
you should know about me
198
00:07:28,513 --> 00:07:31,113
is this is not representative
of who I am.
199
00:07:31,115 --> 00:07:32,315
See, I just graduated
200
00:07:32,317 --> 00:07:33,883
from UCLA.
201
00:07:33,885 --> 00:07:37,353
The baby is a result
of a spring break trip to Vegas.
202
00:07:37,355 --> 00:07:39,855
Ah. I guess what happens
in Vegas
203
00:07:39,857 --> 00:07:41,624
stays in Kathy.
204
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:45,695
Yep, took me about six weeks
to figure out
205
00:07:45,697 --> 00:07:46,896
that my morning sickness
206
00:07:46,898 --> 00:07:49,532
wasn't just
a really bad hangover.
207
00:07:49,534 --> 00:07:50,900
Well, we all make mistakes.
208
00:07:50,902 --> 00:07:53,002
One morning,
I woke up married to this one.
209
00:07:55,173 --> 00:07:58,240
See, bottom line, this wasn't
part of my five-year plan.
210
00:07:58,242 --> 00:08:00,676
You know, law school,
clerk for a judge,
211
00:08:00,678 --> 00:08:01,944
start my own practice.
212
00:08:01,946 --> 00:08:03,579
Wow, that's-that's impressive.
213
00:08:03,581 --> 00:08:05,414
Uh, Alan's son, Jake,
214
00:08:05,416 --> 00:08:07,617
had a five-year plan
for the tenth grade.
215
00:08:09,087 --> 00:08:10,753
See, that's why I liked
your profile.
216
00:08:10,755 --> 00:08:12,722
You have parenting experience.
217
00:08:12,724 --> 00:08:14,757
Your sense of humor
came through.
218
00:08:14,759 --> 00:08:16,826
And I kind of love
that you're gay.
219
00:08:16,828 --> 00:08:18,794
Not as much as we do.
220
00:08:18,796 --> 00:08:20,229
Right, Wally Bear?
221
00:08:20,231 --> 00:08:22,331
That's right, Alley Cat.
222
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:26,736
Even though I'm not gonna
be part of the baby's life,
223
00:08:26,738 --> 00:08:29,171
I like the idea of being
the only mom.
224
00:08:29,173 --> 00:08:31,140
I can totally understand that.
225
00:08:31,142 --> 00:08:34,043
Probably because my mom was an
ice-cold, sharp-tongue alcoholic
226
00:08:34,045 --> 00:08:37,313
who preferred shopping and spas
over spending time with me.
227
00:08:37,315 --> 00:08:39,682
And I can
totally understand that.
228
00:08:39,684 --> 00:08:41,717
So, tell me about you.
229
00:08:41,719 --> 00:08:44,253
What made you guys decide
to start a family?
230
00:08:44,255 --> 00:08:46,656
Uh, well, raising my son
231
00:08:46,658 --> 00:08:49,425
was one of the greatest
experiences of my life,
232
00:08:49,427 --> 00:08:51,761
and I just wanted Walden
to feel that same joy.
233
00:08:52,763 --> 00:08:54,730
Yeah, I mean, for me
it's a couple reasons.
234
00:08:54,732 --> 00:08:57,533
I-I felt like something
was missing in my life,
235
00:08:57,535 --> 00:08:59,769
and I wanted to give back,
236
00:08:59,771 --> 00:09:03,639
and having a kid will allow me
to drive in the carpool lane.
237
00:09:04,976 --> 00:09:07,410
and having a kid will allow me
It's nice to laugh again.
238
00:09:07,412 --> 00:09:09,945
Except I just peed a little
on your sofa.
239
00:09:09,947 --> 00:09:11,347
I'll get you something.
240
00:09:11,349 --> 00:09:13,749
Oh, uh, actually,
I got something right here.
241
00:09:14,451 --> 00:09:16,052
♪ Men. ♪
242
00:09:17,221 --> 00:09:18,354
The baby just kicked.
243
00:09:18,356 --> 00:09:19,722
I felt it.
244
00:09:19,724 --> 00:09:21,090
Oh, looks like someone's got
245
00:09:21,092 --> 00:09:22,858
a little soccer star in there.
246
00:09:22,860 --> 00:09:25,027
God, you smell good.
247
00:09:26,630 --> 00:09:29,298
Alan, you want to come up
for some air?
248
00:09:29,300 --> 00:09:30,599
Oh, sorry.
249
00:09:30,601 --> 00:09:32,601
Just got excited.
250
00:09:32,603 --> 00:09:34,236
About the baby.
251
00:09:34,238 --> 00:09:35,938
Sure.
252
00:09:35,940 --> 00:09:37,506
So, uh, Kathy,
253
00:09:37,508 --> 00:09:39,775
uh, do you know
if it's a boy or a girl?
254
00:09:39,777 --> 00:09:41,510
I don't, but your profile said
255
00:09:41,512 --> 00:09:43,746
you didn't have
a gender preference, right?
256
00:09:43,748 --> 00:09:44,748
Oh, that's right.
257
00:09:44,749 --> 00:09:47,249
Just like me in my 20s.
258
00:09:47,251 --> 00:09:49,552
You guys crack me up.
259
00:09:49,554 --> 00:09:51,587
You're gonna make great dads.
260
00:09:51,589 --> 00:09:53,923
Oh, world's greatest, according
the coffee mugs I bought.
261
00:09:53,925 --> 00:09:58,294
Well, that's good,
because I made up my mind.
262
00:09:58,296 --> 00:09:59,795
I want you to have my baby.
263
00:09:59,797 --> 00:10:01,363
No!
Yes.
264
00:10:01,365 --> 00:10:03,165
Oh, my God!
You did not just say that!
265
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,600
You bitch!
266
00:10:05,402 --> 00:10:06,702
Thank you, Kathy.
267
00:10:06,704 --> 00:10:08,037
Thank you, Vegas.
268
00:10:08,039 --> 00:10:10,039
Thank you, broken condom.
269
00:10:10,041 --> 00:10:11,707
Well, you can thank
two-for-one tequila shots
270
00:10:11,709 --> 00:10:13,976
at the Tropicana.
271
00:10:13,978 --> 00:10:15,411
Let's not forget
this little guy.
272
00:10:16,881 --> 00:10:18,981
Do you feel it moving?
273
00:10:18,983 --> 00:10:20,649
I can feel it growing.
274
00:10:20,651 --> 00:10:22,885
♪ Men. ♪
275
00:10:29,110 --> 00:10:31,244
♪ Men. ♪
276
00:10:31,246 --> 00:10:32,879
Okay, best shower gift:
277
00:10:32,881 --> 00:10:35,448
Barry. Baby's first bong.
278
00:10:35,450 --> 00:10:36,616
Yep.
279
00:10:36,618 --> 00:10:37,951
And just like the kid's diaper,
280
00:10:37,953 --> 00:10:41,187
it's full of
stinky green stuff.
281
00:10:41,189 --> 00:10:42,522
The pizza's on its way.
282
00:10:42,524 --> 00:10:44,691
In the meantime, uh,
who wants a beer?
283
00:10:44,693 --> 00:10:47,026
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
284
00:10:47,028 --> 00:10:48,761
There we go.
285
00:10:48,763 --> 00:10:51,731
Walden, you are gonna
make a great dad.
286
00:10:51,733 --> 00:10:52,866
Hey.
And, Alan,
287
00:10:52,868 --> 00:10:53,867
you've already raised Jake,
288
00:10:53,869 --> 00:10:57,137
so I guess just...
do the opposite.
289
00:10:59,173 --> 00:11:01,207
I still can't believe
it's even possible
290
00:11:01,209 --> 00:11:03,343
for two men to have a baby.
291
00:11:03,345 --> 00:11:04,978
What an age we live in.
292
00:11:04,980 --> 00:11:06,813
Science, right?
293
00:11:08,849 --> 00:11:12,852
Larry, we're-we're not
actually having a baby.
294
00:11:12,854 --> 00:11:14,053
We're adopting.
295
00:11:14,055 --> 00:11:16,523
Ah, shooting blanks, huh?
296
00:11:18,192 --> 00:11:19,726
Well, I guess
if Alan gets pregnant,
297
00:11:19,728 --> 00:11:21,327
you'll know he's been
cheating on you.
298
00:11:23,497 --> 00:11:25,265
So you two are
really married, huh?
299
00:11:25,267 --> 00:11:26,966
Yep.
Yeah, crazy, isn't it?
300
00:11:26,968 --> 00:11:28,668
No, I'll tell you what's crazy.
301
00:11:28,670 --> 00:11:31,004
You have never
hit on me once, Walden.
302
00:11:31,006 --> 00:11:33,206
I mean, we worked together
every day, side by side,
303
00:11:33,208 --> 00:11:35,208
and not so much as
a lingering glance
304
00:11:35,210 --> 00:11:37,477
or a "Gee, you look
nice today, Barry.
305
00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:39,179
"You lost a little weight,
Barry?
306
00:11:39,181 --> 00:11:42,148
Those cargo shorts really
flatter your calves, Barry."
307
00:11:42,150 --> 00:11:43,383
No, man.
308
00:11:43,385 --> 00:11:46,319
We got married
so I could adopt a baby.
309
00:11:46,321 --> 00:11:48,221
That... we're a pretend couple.
310
00:11:48,223 --> 00:11:51,558
It's kind of like your
"girlfriend in Canada."
311
00:11:53,128 --> 00:11:54,961
Okay, Olivia is real.
312
00:11:54,963 --> 00:11:57,964
I mean, just... Okay, look at
these nude photos she sent me.
313
00:11:58,832 --> 00:12:00,900
That's Jennifer Lawrence.
314
00:12:00,902 --> 00:12:03,536
She gets that all the time.
315
00:12:05,339 --> 00:12:07,974
In a couple days,
I'm gonna be a dad.
316
00:12:09,411 --> 00:12:11,411
I'm gonna be
completely responsible
317
00:12:11,413 --> 00:12:13,980
for the emotional
and financial well-being
318
00:12:13,982 --> 00:12:15,782
of someone who is
completely incapable
319
00:12:15,784 --> 00:12:17,050
of taking care of themselves.
320
00:12:17,052 --> 00:12:19,619
Thank you for being
my test baby.
321
00:12:21,388 --> 00:12:23,590
I'd keep my fingers
crossed for a boy.
322
00:12:23,592 --> 00:12:24,424
Why?
323
00:12:24,426 --> 00:12:25,792
Well, basic math.
324
00:12:25,794 --> 00:12:27,827
If you have a boy, you only
have to worry about one penis.
325
00:12:27,829 --> 00:12:29,896
You have a girl, you have
to worry about them all.
326
00:12:32,299 --> 00:12:34,267
Either way,
you're gonna love it.
327
00:12:34,269 --> 00:12:37,237
Being a father is
the best thing in the world.
328
00:12:37,239 --> 00:12:38,404
How old are your kids?
329
00:12:38,406 --> 00:12:39,639
Well, my son is 15
330
00:12:39,641 --> 00:12:42,609
and my secret daughter
is going to be 11 this year.
331
00:12:43,744 --> 00:12:44,978
Your... your
secret daughter?
332
00:12:44,980 --> 00:12:48,248
Yeah, she looks a lot
like my secret wife.
333
00:12:53,988 --> 00:12:56,556
You know, kids are amazing.
334
00:12:56,558 --> 00:12:59,325
You know? You get to pass
all this knowledge down
335
00:12:59,327 --> 00:13:02,161
to this little person
and-and shape their mind.
336
00:13:02,163 --> 00:13:04,063
Like, you know,
how to talk to girls
337
00:13:04,065 --> 00:13:06,633
and how to be there for
your friends when they need you.
338
00:13:06,635 --> 00:13:08,167
Oh, you can teach them
your ability
339
00:13:08,169 --> 00:13:11,337
to always be in the bathroom
whenever the dinner check comes.
340
00:13:12,206 --> 00:13:15,208
That's pure instinct.
341
00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:18,111
Can't be taught.
342
00:13:20,181 --> 00:13:22,849
You know, all my memories
revolve around my dad.
343
00:13:22,851 --> 00:13:26,519
The time he threw my Tamagotchi
down the garbage disposal.
344
00:13:26,521 --> 00:13:29,188
Time he made a pass
at my prom date.
345
00:13:29,190 --> 00:13:32,725
Time he divorced my mom
and married my prom date.
346
00:13:35,029 --> 00:13:36,129
Guys.
347
00:13:36,131 --> 00:13:37,997
Guys, it's
the hospital.
348
00:13:37,999 --> 00:13:39,932
Oh, if it's one of
my patients, I'm not here.
349
00:13:40,768 --> 00:13:41,934
Oh, don't worry.
If I'm your
350
00:13:41,936 --> 00:13:43,236
kid's doctor,
I won't do that.
351
00:13:44,071 --> 00:13:46,272
It's what you say.
352
00:13:46,274 --> 00:13:48,007
Kathy's in labor!
353
00:13:48,009 --> 00:13:49,075
We got to go!
354
00:13:49,077 --> 00:13:50,043
I'll get an Uber.
355
00:13:50,045 --> 00:13:51,177
I'll go grab the car seat.
356
00:13:51,179 --> 00:13:52,345
I'll get the
diaper bag.
357
00:13:53,348 --> 00:13:55,181
Oh, God, that's the pizza guy.
358
00:13:55,183 --> 00:13:56,115
Um... hey, Alan,
359
00:13:56,117 --> 00:13:57,417
could you pay
the pizza guy?
360
00:13:57,419 --> 00:13:59,585
I'm in the bathroom!
361
00:13:59,587 --> 00:14:01,788
How does he do it?
362
00:14:04,258 --> 00:14:06,826
♪ Men. ♪
363
00:14:06,828 --> 00:14:09,128
Hey, you know,
I-I appreciate you guys coming,
364
00:14:09,130 --> 00:14:10,663
but you really
don't have to stay.
365
00:14:10,665 --> 00:14:12,532
Are you kidding?
We want to be here.
366
00:14:12,534 --> 00:14:13,800
You know what
they say.
367
00:14:13,802 --> 00:14:16,102
"To raise a child, it
takes the Village People."
368
00:14:16,104 --> 00:14:18,271
Hey, guys?
369
00:14:18,273 --> 00:14:20,106
I think I may have
gotten way too high.
370
00:14:20,108 --> 00:14:21,841
Can somebody take me
to the hospital?
371
00:14:21,843 --> 00:14:23,776
You're in a hospital.
372
00:14:25,146 --> 00:14:26,579
Whoa.
373
00:14:26,581 --> 00:14:27,714
How'd you do that?
374
00:14:28,649 --> 00:14:30,650
I wonder why
we haven't heard anything.
375
00:14:30,652 --> 00:14:33,519
They took Kathy to the delivery
room, like, an hour ago.
376
00:14:33,521 --> 00:14:35,888
Sometimes the baby just
doesn't want to come out.
377
00:14:35,890 --> 00:14:37,590
I mean, put yourself
in its position.
378
00:14:37,592 --> 00:14:39,158
For nine months,
you've been floating
379
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:40,393
in the world's
nicest waterbed.
380
00:14:40,395 --> 00:14:43,396
Then somebody opens a trap door,
all the water flows out,
381
00:14:43,398 --> 00:14:46,332
a set of salad tongs grabs you
by the head and yanks you out,
382
00:14:46,334 --> 00:14:47,967
and then some guy
you never seen before
383
00:14:47,969 --> 00:14:49,836
starts slapping
you on the ass.
384
00:14:49,838 --> 00:14:52,772
Reminds me of a trip
I took to Tijuana once.
385
00:14:54,808 --> 00:14:57,243
Aw, look at how cute
that one is.
386
00:14:57,245 --> 00:14:58,945
Yeah, she's got
a nice rack, too.
387
00:14:58,947 --> 00:15:01,381
What are you looking at?
388
00:15:01,383 --> 00:15:03,983
The hot nurse.
What are you looking at?
389
00:15:03,985 --> 00:15:05,618
That baby.
390
00:15:05,620 --> 00:15:08,421
Ugh! You guys are sick.
391
00:15:10,758 --> 00:15:12,925
So have you guys decided
on a name for the baby yet?
392
00:15:12,927 --> 00:15:14,827
Oh, no, not yet.
No.
393
00:15:14,829 --> 00:15:15,928
It's such a big
responsibility.
394
00:15:15,930 --> 00:15:17,463
I don't want
to give him a name
395
00:15:17,465 --> 00:15:18,831
that other kids
can make fun of.
396
00:15:18,833 --> 00:15:21,100
Well, bad news.
Every name can be made fun of.
397
00:15:21,102 --> 00:15:22,702
That's not true.
398
00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:23,736
Really?
399
00:15:23,738 --> 00:15:25,505
How's your pond, Walden?
400
00:15:26,807 --> 00:15:29,942
It's an intellectual insult,
but it still stings.
401
00:15:31,111 --> 00:15:34,247
I was "Larry the fairy"
all through high school.
402
00:15:34,249 --> 00:15:37,316
Oh, no way!
I was "Barry the fairy."
403
00:15:37,318 --> 00:15:40,186
Somebody noticed
that you could rearrange
404
00:15:40,188 --> 00:15:41,721
the letters of "Alan,"
and I became
405
00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:44,157
"Little Anal Harper."
406
00:15:44,159 --> 00:15:45,224
My name's "Herb."
407
00:15:45,226 --> 00:15:46,592
Kids skipped the clever puns
408
00:15:46,594 --> 00:15:48,761
and just shoved my head
down a toilet.
409
00:15:48,763 --> 00:15:51,130
Well, I'm sure
there are plenty of names
410
00:15:51,132 --> 00:15:52,999
that kids can't
make jokes about.
411
00:15:53,001 --> 00:15:55,468
Mr. and Mr. Harper-Schmidt?
412
00:15:55,470 --> 00:15:56,969
Yeah, nothing to
worry about there.
413
00:15:56,971 --> 00:16:00,206
Just the hyphenated last name
of the two gay dads.
414
00:16:00,208 --> 00:16:01,441
So how's Kathy?
415
00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:02,842
She's doing fine.
416
00:16:02,844 --> 00:16:05,144
So is your brand-new baby boy.
417
00:16:05,146 --> 00:16:07,814
Oh, my God,
we got a boy!
418
00:16:07,816 --> 00:16:10,516
I get a do-over for Jake!
419
00:16:10,518 --> 00:16:13,352
I only have to worry
about one penis!
420
00:16:13,354 --> 00:16:14,921
I like to wear
women's underwear!
421
00:16:14,923 --> 00:16:17,256
What?
422
00:16:17,258 --> 00:16:20,793
I thought we were
confessing things.
423
00:16:22,262 --> 00:16:24,130
There he is.
424
00:16:24,132 --> 00:16:25,865
Aw...
425
00:16:27,801 --> 00:16:30,169
He's got your nose
and Alan's eyes.
426
00:16:31,004 --> 00:16:32,972
Larry, I told you
before that...
427
00:16:33,907 --> 00:16:36,843
Thank you, Larry.
428
00:16:36,845 --> 00:16:39,078
Look at him.
He's so amazing.
429
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:40,780
I can't think of
anything more beautiful
430
00:16:40,782 --> 00:16:42,315
than what I'm looking
at right now.
431
00:16:42,317 --> 00:16:44,884
Yeah. Mm-hmm.
It's true, that's the truth.
432
00:16:44,886 --> 00:16:47,253
But how much more
beautiful would it be
433
00:16:47,255 --> 00:16:49,522
if those two nurses just
started making out right now?
434
00:16:49,524 --> 00:16:51,991
Mm-hmm.
Oh, yeah.
435
00:16:51,993 --> 00:16:54,293
♪ Men. ♪
436
00:16:56,430 --> 00:16:57,897
Hey.
437
00:16:57,899 --> 00:16:59,365
How you doing?
438
00:16:59,367 --> 00:17:01,067
I'm good.
439
00:17:01,069 --> 00:17:02,568
Tired.
440
00:17:02,570 --> 00:17:04,103
Sore.
441
00:17:04,105 --> 00:17:06,739
Look at this little guy.
442
00:17:06,741 --> 00:17:08,007
Can I hold him?
443
00:17:08,009 --> 00:17:09,709
Uh, sure.
444
00:17:12,513 --> 00:17:15,314
Oh, he is the cutest thing ever.
445
00:17:15,316 --> 00:17:17,049
Mm-hmm.
446
00:17:17,051 --> 00:17:19,552
Hey, hey... high-five.
447
00:17:19,554 --> 00:17:20,620
You can owe me.
448
00:17:21,890 --> 00:17:24,724
Welcome to the world,
little buddy.
449
00:17:24,726 --> 00:17:26,559
We're gonna have
so much fun.
450
00:17:26,561 --> 00:17:28,494
We're gonna go to
ball games together
451
00:17:28,496 --> 00:17:30,196
and go swimming together
452
00:17:30,198 --> 00:17:33,833
and pick up chick... ens
together.
453
00:17:33,835 --> 00:17:36,168
Smile. Come on.
454
00:17:36,170 --> 00:17:37,937
Okay, uh...
455
00:17:37,939 --> 00:17:40,706
Oh, oh, oh.
Look at that picture.
456
00:17:40,708 --> 00:17:43,543
The two most handsome
men in the world.
457
00:17:43,545 --> 00:17:45,478
And they're both mine.
458
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:47,146
Oh, oh...
459
00:17:47,148 --> 00:17:48,114
Oh, what's the matter?
460
00:17:48,116 --> 00:17:49,815
Uh, maybe he wants his mommy.
461
00:17:49,817 --> 00:17:51,217
Oh, all right,
come here, little buddy.
462
00:17:51,219 --> 00:17:53,519
Uh, I think he might be hungry.
463
00:17:53,521 --> 00:17:54,854
Oh, of course.
464
00:17:54,856 --> 00:17:56,088
Oh, yeah, of course.
465
00:17:56,090 --> 00:17:57,690
Okay, here.
466
00:17:57,692 --> 00:18:00,059
There.
467
00:18:00,061 --> 00:18:02,862
I miss him already.
468
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:04,864
Yeah, it's hard to let him go.
469
00:18:06,967 --> 00:18:09,101
Actually, it's impossible.
470
00:18:10,504 --> 00:18:11,871
Oh.
471
00:18:11,873 --> 00:18:13,906
I am so sorry.
472
00:18:15,409 --> 00:18:17,176
Wait. What, uh...
what just happened?
473
00:18:17,178 --> 00:18:19,078
Did I... did I
miss something?
474
00:18:21,448 --> 00:18:23,716
She's keeping the baby.
475
00:18:23,718 --> 00:18:25,585
Uh...
476
00:18:25,587 --> 00:18:27,820
But what-what
about law school?
477
00:18:27,822 --> 00:18:29,488
The-the five-year plan?
478
00:18:29,490 --> 00:18:32,592
After I saw this little guy...
479
00:18:32,594 --> 00:18:34,427
the plan changed.
480
00:18:35,929 --> 00:18:40,533
I mean, before, I couldn't
imagine my life with him.
481
00:18:40,535 --> 00:18:43,269
Now I can't imagine it
without him.
482
00:18:43,271 --> 00:18:46,372
But... but he's gonna
be a great dad.
483
00:18:46,374 --> 00:18:48,307
Alan...
No, no. H-He loves him.
484
00:18:48,309 --> 00:18:50,076
Alan, it's...
485
00:18:50,078 --> 00:18:52,244
Okay, let's-let's just
approach this practically.
486
00:18:52,246 --> 00:18:53,746
Um... how much for the kid?
487
00:18:53,748 --> 00:18:54,981
Uh, I have, uh,
488
00:18:54,983 --> 00:18:56,582
I have $32 on me.
489
00:18:56,584 --> 00:18:58,584
I'm gonna need three dollars
for dinner at ampm,
490
00:18:58,586 --> 00:18:59,685
but the rest is yours.
491
00:18:59,687 --> 00:19:01,587
Believe me, I feel terrible.
492
00:19:01,589 --> 00:19:03,422
You feel terrible?
493
00:19:03,424 --> 00:19:05,992
We're-we're gonna be driving
home with an empty car seat.
494
00:19:05,994 --> 00:19:08,227
And you know what's waiting
for us when we get there?
495
00:19:08,229 --> 00:19:10,463
An empty nursery.
An empty crib.
496
00:19:10,465 --> 00:19:11,931
An empty... uh, uh....
497
00:19:11,933 --> 00:19:13,199
What's that Swedish thing
498
00:19:13,201 --> 00:19:14,867
that, uh, that you
wear like a pouch,
499
00:19:14,869 --> 00:19:17,336
to carry your baby
around like a kangaroo?
500
00:19:17,338 --> 00:19:18,404
Bjorn.
501
00:19:18,406 --> 00:19:19,772
An empty Bjorn!
502
00:19:19,774 --> 00:19:22,341
An empty blue baby Bjorn!
503
00:19:22,343 --> 00:19:24,944
Hard to say,
but even harder to face.
504
00:19:24,946 --> 00:19:27,113
Alan, just... stop.
505
00:19:28,215 --> 00:19:29,682
It's okay.
506
00:19:31,118 --> 00:19:33,452
I wouldn't be able
to give him up either,
507
00:19:33,454 --> 00:19:34,920
so I don't blame you.
508
00:19:34,922 --> 00:19:36,188
Really?
509
00:19:36,190 --> 00:19:38,357
I get it.
You're his mom.
510
00:19:38,359 --> 00:19:40,693
I'm so sorry to put you
through all this.
511
00:19:40,695 --> 00:19:42,194
Don't be sorry.
512
00:19:42,196 --> 00:19:44,797
He's... lucky.
513
00:19:44,799 --> 00:19:47,800
You're both...
very lucky.
514
00:19:50,537 --> 00:19:53,139
This man is a saint.
515
00:19:53,141 --> 00:19:54,340
A damn saint.
516
00:19:54,342 --> 00:19:55,741
Let's go.
517
00:19:56,576 --> 00:19:58,511
Say good-bye, Elliot.
518
00:19:58,513 --> 00:20:00,413
More like "Smelliot."
Alan.
519
00:20:00,415 --> 00:20:02,848
♪ Men. ♪
520
00:20:08,260 --> 00:20:09,393
♪ Men. ♪
521
00:20:09,395 --> 00:20:11,495
You doing okay?
522
00:20:12,067 --> 00:20:14,401
Yeah.
523
00:20:14,403 --> 00:20:16,370
Can you show me
the picture of him?
524
00:20:16,372 --> 00:20:18,171
Oh, please, don't put yourself
through this.
525
00:20:18,173 --> 00:20:20,240
Come on, just
one more time.
526
00:20:20,242 --> 00:20:21,642
Okay.
527
00:20:21,644 --> 00:20:23,810
Here.
528
00:20:25,980 --> 00:20:28,615
Look at him.
529
00:20:28,617 --> 00:20:30,350
He's perfect.
530
00:20:32,954 --> 00:20:36,356
I'm sorry this didn't work out
as planned.
531
00:20:36,358 --> 00:20:39,526
He still owes me a high-five.
532
00:20:40,428 --> 00:20:42,029
Don't worry.
533
00:20:42,031 --> 00:20:43,930
We'll find our kid.
534
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,135
I know.
535
00:20:48,137 --> 00:20:51,938
In the meantime,
you're still married to me.
536
00:20:54,009 --> 00:20:56,209
Yes, I am.
537
00:20:57,979 --> 00:21:01,641
Why couldn't Kathy take you
and give me the baby?!
538
00:21:03,397 --> 00:21:09,897
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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