1
00:00:01,856 --> 00:00:03,456
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:03,458 --> 00:00:05,057
Hey, Louis, check it out.
3
00:00:05,059 --> 00:00:08,294
This app will help you learn
how to speak Mandarin Chinese.
4
00:00:08,296 --> 00:00:10,329
Are you sending me to China?
5
00:00:10,331 --> 00:00:12,498
No, I'd never do that.
6
00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:14,667
He sent his kid to Japan.
7
00:00:14,669 --> 00:00:15,701
Oh, no, no.
8
00:00:15,703 --> 00:00:17,537
The-the Army sent him to Japan.
9
00:00:17,539 --> 00:00:19,572
You're sending me to the Army?
10
00:00:19,574 --> 00:00:20,973
No, no, n-no.
11
00:00:20,975 --> 00:00:22,208
We're not sending you anywhere.
12
00:00:22,210 --> 00:00:23,743
We-we just want
to help you learn.
13
00:00:23,745 --> 00:00:25,011
So, check it out.
14
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You can type in any phrase,
15
00:00:27,215 --> 00:00:30,082
and the app will say it for you.
16
00:00:33,721 --> 00:00:34,887
Ooh, what'd she say?
17
00:00:34,889 --> 00:00:36,022
She sounds pretty.
18
00:00:36,024 --> 00:00:37,523
She said,
"Alan, your fly is open."
19
00:00:37,525 --> 00:00:38,791
Oh. Oh!
20
00:00:38,793 --> 00:00:41,194
Uh, well, how do you
tell her, "Thank you"?
21
00:00:41,196 --> 00:00:43,362
Uh, let's find out.
22
00:00:44,165 --> 00:00:46,132
Xiexie.
23
00:00:46,134 --> 00:00:49,602
That's gonna blow their minds
down at the Panda Express.
24
00:00:49,604 --> 00:00:52,405
Extra orange chicken, xiexie.
25
00:00:52,407 --> 00:00:55,107
Walden, I-I'm Chinese Elvis.
26
00:00:55,109 --> 00:00:56,709
Xiexie. Xiexie, very much.
27
00:00:57,712 --> 00:00:58,911
All right.
28
00:00:58,913 --> 00:01:00,880
Let's put on these headphones,
29
00:01:00,882 --> 00:01:04,183
and we'll learn
a little Chinese, huh?
30
00:01:04,185 --> 00:01:06,486
So, um, listen,
g-going forward,
31
00:01:06,488 --> 00:01:09,355
um, how are we gonna do
this whole co-parenting thing?
32
00:01:09,357 --> 00:01:10,456
What do you mean?
33
00:01:10,458 --> 00:01:12,425
Well, when you were gonna
adopt a baby,
34
00:01:12,427 --> 00:01:14,360
we were gonna get
a divorce right after.
35
00:01:14,362 --> 00:01:17,230
But now, if we become
Louis's foster parents,
36
00:01:17,232 --> 00:01:19,599
we're gonna have to be together
for a minimum of six months.
37
00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:20,666
Uh, not that I'm complaining.
38
00:01:20,668 --> 00:01:22,568
This is the happiest
and most loving of any
39
00:01:22,570 --> 00:01:24,537
of my three marriages.
40
00:01:24,539 --> 00:01:26,105
I'm thinking it would
just be the opposite
41
00:01:26,107 --> 00:01:27,306
of when Jake was here.
42
00:01:27,308 --> 00:01:29,108
You were the dad, and
I occasionally imparted wisdom,
43
00:01:29,110 --> 00:01:31,844
like... the skull
and crossbones on a bottle
44
00:01:31,846 --> 00:01:34,313
underneath the sink doesn't mean
that it's pirate juice.
45
00:01:34,315 --> 00:01:36,916
Okay, well, uh, uh,
46
00:01:36,918 --> 00:01:38,918
then I will follow
your lead with Louis.
47
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,587
I will be the second
in command, the-the copilot,
48
00:01:41,589 --> 00:01:44,991
the, uh, the, uh,
the lieutenant, if you will.
49
00:01:44,993 --> 00:01:46,592
I won't.
50
00:01:47,562 --> 00:01:49,428
This is hard.
51
00:01:49,430 --> 00:01:51,130
Oh, all right,
let me help you out here.
52
00:01:51,132 --> 00:01:52,598
Type in a phrase.
53
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:54,233
Anything you want to say.
54
00:01:56,070 --> 00:01:57,070
Okay.
55
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"I... want to quit."
56
00:02:02,010 --> 00:02:03,910
Okay, uh...
57
00:02:08,917 --> 00:02:10,082
Uh, excuse me.
58
00:02:10,084 --> 00:02:11,751
If you're trying to say,
"I want to quit,"
59
00:02:11,753 --> 00:02:14,186
it's pronounced...
60
00:02:14,188 --> 00:02:17,323
What you asked for is
a lap dance.
61
00:02:17,325 --> 00:02:19,559
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
62
00:02:19,561 --> 00:02:21,093
It's okay, I wasn't offended.
63
00:02:21,095 --> 00:02:23,429
Oh, well, in that case...
64
00:02:26,801 --> 00:02:27,801
I'm Jean.
65
00:02:27,802 --> 00:02:29,035
I'm Walden.
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00:02:30,071 --> 00:02:32,038
Oh, and, uh, this is
Louis and Alan.
67
00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:33,940
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
68
00:02:33,942 --> 00:02:36,242
So, you're teaching Louis
Mandarin?
69
00:02:36,244 --> 00:02:39,211
Well, I bought him, uh,
an app for 99 cents,
70
00:02:39,213 --> 00:02:41,681
so, yeah, I'm teaching him.
71
00:02:43,885 --> 00:02:47,420
Well, I speak fluent Mandarin,
so if you need any help
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00:02:47,422 --> 00:02:50,489
with anything...
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00:02:50,491 --> 00:02:52,024
give me a call.
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00:02:52,026 --> 00:02:55,027
Ah, well, I could always use
a helping hand.
75
00:03:00,835 --> 00:03:03,636
Oh. Oh!
76
00:03:05,740 --> 00:03:08,140
Nice meeting you.
77
00:03:09,777 --> 00:03:11,577
What happened?
78
00:03:11,579 --> 00:03:13,412
What did you say?
79
00:03:13,414 --> 00:03:15,615
He said,
"They're married."
80
00:03:15,617 --> 00:03:18,851
And if he hadn't,
I was about to.
81
00:03:18,853 --> 00:03:21,754
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
82
00:03:21,756 --> 00:03:22,194
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
83
00:03:22,195 --> 00:03:26,195
♪ Two and a Half Men 12x06 ♪
Alan Shot a Little Girl
Original Air Date on Dece
84
00:03:26,196 --> 00:03:32,196
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
85
00:03:32,197 --> 00:03:33,676
♪ Men. ♪
86
00:03:33,678 --> 00:03:35,077
How's it going
out there?
87
00:03:35,079 --> 00:03:36,645
I don't know. I'm trying
to read their lips.
88
00:03:36,647 --> 00:03:38,447
He either said, "I
really like it here,"
89
00:03:38,449 --> 00:03:40,616
or "I'd really
like a beer."
90
00:03:42,153 --> 00:03:43,285
I-I'm sure
he's saying good things.
91
00:03:43,287 --> 00:03:45,087
You know, how-how you're
teaching him Chinese,
92
00:03:45,089 --> 00:03:47,823
how I'm teaching him
environmental awareness.
93
00:03:47,825 --> 00:03:50,292
You taught him to pee in
the shower to save water.
94
00:03:50,294 --> 00:03:53,295
And you know what
our Mother Earth says to that?
95
00:03:53,297 --> 00:03:55,030
Xiexie.
96
00:03:56,300 --> 00:04:00,069
I got to tell you, I've already
grown attached to this kid.
97
00:04:00,071 --> 00:04:02,037
And if she does try
to take him away,
98
00:04:02,039 --> 00:04:04,306
I know a guy
who can get him back.
99
00:04:04,308 --> 00:04:05,941
You're kidding, right?
100
00:04:05,943 --> 00:04:08,243
Right, kidding.
101
00:04:08,245 --> 00:04:12,214
But if I find an envelope in my
car with, say, two grand in it,
102
00:04:12,216 --> 00:04:14,817
I have no way of knowing
where it came from.
103
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:17,252
Can I talk to you guys
for a second?
104
00:04:17,254 --> 00:04:18,987
Uh, yeah, sure.
105
00:04:18,989 --> 00:04:20,589
Uh, Berta, could
you watch Louis?
106
00:04:20,591 --> 00:04:21,924
Absolutely.
107
00:04:21,926 --> 00:04:23,926
We'll be in the car
with the engine running.
108
00:04:23,928 --> 00:04:25,294
No reason.
109
00:04:26,897 --> 00:04:29,698
So, I talked to Louis
about his weekend here.
110
00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:32,768
Uh, did he answer you
in English or Mandarin?
111
00:04:32,770 --> 00:04:34,236
English.
112
00:04:34,238 --> 00:04:36,271
Though I'm very impressed
you're teaching him Chinese.
113
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And to pee in the shower.
114
00:04:38,042 --> 00:04:40,142
That's mine.
115
00:04:40,144 --> 00:04:44,012
I'm also teaching him to dance
like no one is watching.
116
00:04:44,915 --> 00:04:48,484
Well, he seems to have
settled in nicely.
117
00:04:48,486 --> 00:04:50,719
He feels very happy
and safe with you guys,
118
00:04:50,721 --> 00:04:53,222
so I see no reason
why I shouldn't approve you
119
00:04:53,224 --> 00:04:54,490
to be Louis's foster parents.
120
00:04:54,492 --> 00:04:55,791
Really?
Are you serious?
121
00:04:55,793 --> 00:04:57,392
I rarely lie about these things.
122
00:04:57,394 --> 00:04:59,762
I did it once,
and it did not go well.
123
00:04:59,764 --> 00:05:01,797
This-this is great!
124
00:05:01,799 --> 00:05:04,967
I-I know. I-I've never been
approved for anything, ever.
125
00:05:04,969 --> 00:05:06,902
Bite me, Discover Card.
126
00:05:06,904 --> 00:05:08,837
Congratulations!
Thank you!
127
00:05:08,839 --> 00:05:10,906
This is my favorite part
of the job.
128
00:05:10,908 --> 00:05:12,775
Well, that and doughnut Friday.
129
00:05:12,777 --> 00:05:14,843
Oh, God, my life is empty.
130
00:05:14,845 --> 00:05:16,712
Oh, wait, d-does
Louis know?
131
00:05:16,714 --> 00:05:18,781
No, he thinks I'm happy.
132
00:05:20,050 --> 00:05:23,218
Oh, you mean about him here.
133
00:05:23,220 --> 00:05:24,653
Uh, no, you should tell him.
134
00:05:24,655 --> 00:05:27,089
But before you do,
just remember,
135
00:05:27,091 --> 00:05:30,025
kids who've been in the foster
system as long as he has can be
136
00:05:30,027 --> 00:05:31,760
a little withdrawn
or manipulative,
137
00:05:31,762 --> 00:05:33,695
so don't be surprised
if he acts out.
138
00:05:33,697 --> 00:05:35,864
It's okay. I was a
rebel when I was a kid.
139
00:05:35,866 --> 00:05:37,800
One night, I took my
mom's car for a joyride.
140
00:05:37,802 --> 00:05:40,002
The cops would
have never caught me
141
00:05:40,004 --> 00:05:42,871
if the library
hadn't been closed.
142
00:05:42,873 --> 00:05:44,339
Well, call me if
you need anything.
143
00:05:44,341 --> 00:05:46,542
I got to run. I got to
hit the craft store.
144
00:05:46,544 --> 00:05:50,479
I am making each one of my cats
a Christmas stocking.
145
00:05:50,481 --> 00:05:53,081
I should have stopped at
"I got to run."
146
00:05:53,083 --> 00:05:55,083
Anyway, congratulations.
147
00:05:56,587 --> 00:05:59,421
Oh, hey, uh, Louis,
could you come in here?
148
00:05:59,423 --> 00:06:01,990
Oh, my God, we should
tell him he can't stay.
149
00:06:01,992 --> 00:06:03,592
How funny would that be?
150
00:06:05,062 --> 00:06:07,396
I'll follow your lead.
151
00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:12,267
Hey, Louis, um,
152
00:06:12,269 --> 00:06:13,769
so Ms. McMartin said
153
00:06:13,771 --> 00:06:16,405
that you like it here
and you want to stay.
154
00:06:16,407 --> 00:06:17,407
I do.
155
00:06:17,408 --> 00:06:18,607
Well, we told her
156
00:06:18,609 --> 00:06:20,342
that we want you to stay,
157
00:06:20,344 --> 00:06:23,712
and she said... okay!
158
00:06:23,714 --> 00:06:25,247
Really? Cool!
159
00:06:25,249 --> 00:06:26,648
Yeah. We should celebrate.
160
00:06:26,650 --> 00:06:29,051
Can we get pizza, Zippy?
161
00:06:30,855 --> 00:06:33,055
That turned out funnier
than I thought it would.
162
00:06:34,992 --> 00:06:36,959
♪ Men. ♪
163
00:06:36,961 --> 00:06:38,961
You know, when my
son was your age,
164
00:06:38,963 --> 00:06:41,096
we used to play video
games just like this.
165
00:06:41,098 --> 00:06:43,432
Really?
Yes, and I used to let him win,
166
00:06:43,434 --> 00:06:44,867
just like I'm
letting you win...
167
00:06:44,869 --> 00:06:46,134
Hey!
168
00:06:46,136 --> 00:06:47,903
How'd you blow
up my car?!
169
00:06:47,905 --> 00:06:51,006
All right, Louis,
time to get ready for bed.
170
00:06:51,008 --> 00:06:52,808
Five more minutes?
171
00:06:52,810 --> 00:06:54,142
No. You know the deal.
172
00:06:54,144 --> 00:06:56,612
One hour of video games a
night. Now it's bedtime.
173
00:06:56,614 --> 00:06:58,347
Aw, no fair.
174
00:06:58,349 --> 00:06:59,414
Well, life isn't fair.
175
00:06:59,416 --> 00:07:01,116
Look at my face, look at his.
176
00:07:01,118 --> 00:07:03,886
All right, I'm gonna go
run you a bath.
177
00:07:03,888 --> 00:07:06,655
Put your dishes in the sink
and put away the controllers.
178
00:07:06,657 --> 00:07:08,824
And, Louis, you help him.
179
00:07:12,363 --> 00:07:15,764
Oh, I know you're upset,
but rules are important.
180
00:07:15,766 --> 00:07:19,902
It's just, we never got to play
video games in the group home.
181
00:07:19,904 --> 00:07:22,905
Oh, of course.
182
00:07:22,907 --> 00:07:25,107
The group home.
183
00:07:26,877 --> 00:07:29,745
Okay, what if we just
snuck in a few more minutes?
184
00:07:29,747 --> 00:07:31,980
Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, uh...
185
00:07:31,982 --> 00:07:33,415
but you can't
tell Walden,
186
00:07:33,417 --> 00:07:35,884
and we have to play
it really quietly.
187
00:07:35,886 --> 00:07:36,785
You're the coolest.
188
00:07:36,787 --> 00:07:38,820
I'm the cool dad.
189
00:07:39,623 --> 00:07:42,224
I'm the cool dad.
190
00:07:44,461 --> 00:07:46,962
♪ Men. ♪
191
00:07:46,964 --> 00:07:48,363
Oh, hey
there, kiddo.
192
00:07:48,365 --> 00:07:49,197
How'd you sleep?
193
00:07:49,199 --> 00:07:51,133
With my eyes closed.
194
00:07:51,135 --> 00:07:53,001
Ah, kicking it old school.
195
00:07:53,003 --> 00:07:54,536
I respect that.
196
00:07:54,538 --> 00:07:55,871
Can I have breakfast?
197
00:07:55,873 --> 00:07:58,840
Sure. How about some oatmeal?
198
00:07:58,842 --> 00:07:59,875
Cookies!
199
00:07:59,877 --> 00:08:03,078
Well, do you like oatmeal cookies?
Yes.
200
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,980
Well, this is a
sugarless oatmeal cookie
201
00:08:04,982 --> 00:08:06,882
in wet, pasty form.
202
00:08:06,884 --> 00:08:08,383
Why can't I have cookies?
203
00:08:08,385 --> 00:08:10,218
Well, because
cookies aren't breakfast food.
204
00:08:10,220 --> 00:08:12,454
And remember what Walden said
about eating healthy.
205
00:08:12,456 --> 00:08:13,889
Yeah, I know.
206
00:08:13,891 --> 00:08:17,659
My last foster family
wouldn't give me cookies either.
207
00:08:17,661 --> 00:08:19,494
Oh.
208
00:08:21,231 --> 00:08:23,899
I suppose one wouldn't hurt.
209
00:08:27,338 --> 00:08:29,004
Thanks.
210
00:08:29,006 --> 00:08:30,739
Hey, Louis, are you up yet?
211
00:08:30,741 --> 00:08:32,674
Oh. Uh, in here!
212
00:08:32,676 --> 00:08:34,710
Eat it. Wipe your mouth.
213
00:08:35,546 --> 00:08:37,946
Chocolate lips sink ships.
214
00:08:37,948 --> 00:08:39,047
Morning.
215
00:08:39,049 --> 00:08:40,849
Morning. Just making Louis
some oatmeal.
216
00:08:40,851 --> 00:08:43,518
That's good, 'cause we got
a big day for you, big guy.
217
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,253
I got a bunch
of errands to run,
218
00:08:45,255 --> 00:08:47,789
but Alan is gonna take you
to the store
219
00:08:47,791 --> 00:08:49,591
and buy you a new backpack.
220
00:08:49,593 --> 00:08:51,793
I saw one that looks
just like Yoda.
221
00:08:51,795 --> 00:08:54,329
To school you will wear it.
222
00:08:54,331 --> 00:08:55,864
Okay.
Hmm.
223
00:08:55,866 --> 00:08:58,066
What are you eating?
224
00:08:58,068 --> 00:09:01,036
Show it to me.
225
00:09:01,038 --> 00:09:02,571
Is that a cookie?
226
00:09:03,674 --> 00:09:05,607
Where did you get a cookie?
227
00:09:08,412 --> 00:09:11,513
Louis, where did you get
a cookie?
228
00:09:13,117 --> 00:09:15,784
Hey, uh, Louis,
why don't you go get dressed
229
00:09:15,786 --> 00:09:17,853
and-and I'll make you
some oatmeal,
230
00:09:17,855 --> 00:09:19,588
and then you can get going.
231
00:09:19,590 --> 00:09:20,622
Okay.
232
00:09:20,624 --> 00:09:22,124
Oh, and-and
don't forget
233
00:09:22,126 --> 00:09:23,325
to brush your teeth.
234
00:09:23,327 --> 00:09:24,926
And-and wash your hands.
235
00:09:24,928 --> 00:09:26,962
Oh, and put on clean underwear.
236
00:09:26,964 --> 00:09:28,230
Clean underwear?
237
00:09:28,232 --> 00:09:30,532
We're going to Target,
not the White House.
238
00:09:30,534 --> 00:09:33,668
Why would you give him a cookie
for breakfast?
239
00:09:33,670 --> 00:09:36,905
I couldn't help it.
He gave me orphan face.
240
00:09:36,907 --> 00:09:39,241
Please, sir,
can I have a cookie?
241
00:09:39,243 --> 00:09:42,244
Me tum-tum is all empty
and growly.
242
00:09:42,246 --> 00:09:44,546
When it comes to Louis,
we have to be a team.
243
00:09:44,548 --> 00:09:46,915
If I make a rule,
you got to have my back.
244
00:09:46,917 --> 00:09:48,784
You're right, you're right,
and-and from now on,
245
00:09:48,786 --> 00:09:51,286
I will ignore him
like I ignore all those calls
246
00:09:51,288 --> 00:09:52,587
from the collection agency.
247
00:09:52,589 --> 00:09:54,990
Great. Okay, now, please,
248
00:09:54,992 --> 00:09:56,825
today, just take him
to the store,
249
00:09:56,827 --> 00:09:58,794
get him a backpack,
and then bring him home.
250
00:09:58,796 --> 00:10:00,328
I want to do
something fun later.
251
00:10:00,330 --> 00:10:02,964
A hint: has to do
with miniature golf
252
00:10:02,966 --> 00:10:06,068
and it rhymes with "what-what."
253
00:10:06,070 --> 00:10:07,302
That sounds great.
254
00:10:07,304 --> 00:10:08,937
I'll, uh, take him out
right after breakfast.
255
00:10:08,939 --> 00:10:11,106
And while you're out,
get some more of these cookies.
256
00:10:11,108 --> 00:10:14,810
They make me
tum-tum all smiley, governor.
257
00:10:14,812 --> 00:10:16,878
See, I can do accents.
258
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:19,181
♪ Men. ♪
259
00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:22,684
Okay. Okay, here's the
fun part. Wait. Wait.
260
00:10:22,686 --> 00:10:25,087
♪ Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto ♪
261
00:10:25,089 --> 00:10:27,189
♪ Domo ♪
♪ Domo ♪
262
00:10:27,191 --> 00:10:29,191
♪ Domo ♪
♪ Domo ♪
263
00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:32,260
♪ Domo arigato,
Mr. Roboto ♪
264
00:10:32,262 --> 00:10:33,995
♪ Domo ♪
♪ Domo ♪
265
00:10:33,997 --> 00:10:35,730
♪ Domo. ♪
♪ Domo. ♪
266
00:10:36,967 --> 00:10:39,468
I like that song.
It's about robots.
267
00:10:39,470 --> 00:10:42,037
Yup. If you have to have one
cassette stuck in your dash,
268
00:10:42,039 --> 00:10:43,605
make it Styx.
269
00:10:43,607 --> 00:10:46,608
Look, laser tag! Can we go?
270
00:10:46,610 --> 00:10:48,243
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
271
00:10:48,245 --> 00:10:51,379
We're just gonna go buy
a backpack and go straight home.
272
00:10:51,381 --> 00:10:52,414
Please?
273
00:10:52,416 --> 00:10:54,816
Oh, no, do not
give me that face.
274
00:10:54,818 --> 00:10:56,318
It is not gonna work.
275
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:58,220
I thought you were cool.
276
00:10:59,490 --> 00:11:03,358
Well... I suppose one game
of laser tag couldn't hurt.
277
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:04,493
Awesome!
278
00:11:04,495 --> 00:11:06,194
But it has to be a...
279
00:11:07,664 --> 00:11:08,630
♪ Secret, secret ♪
280
00:11:08,632 --> 00:11:10,966
♪ I got a secret... ♪
281
00:11:11,902 --> 00:11:13,201
♪ Men. ♪
282
00:11:21,345 --> 00:11:24,679
Go tell your mommies
you got shot by CoolDad47.
283
00:11:27,017 --> 00:11:29,518
Hey, hey, who hit me?
284
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:32,087
I got you.
Oh. I'm gonna get you.
285
00:11:32,089 --> 00:11:33,054
I'm gonna get you.
286
00:11:33,056 --> 00:11:34,689
Yeah, yeah, you better run.
287
00:11:34,691 --> 00:11:36,024
Better run faster.
288
00:11:36,026 --> 00:11:37,559
Ow, my head!
289
00:11:37,561 --> 00:11:38,727
Louis?
290
00:11:38,729 --> 00:11:40,095
Louis, are you okay?
291
00:11:40,097 --> 00:11:41,329
Hey, whoa, whoa!
292
00:11:41,331 --> 00:11:43,231
Wait, wait, don't shoot!
Uh, my kid is hurt.
293
00:11:46,036 --> 00:11:46,968
Ha, ha. Sucker.
294
00:11:46,970 --> 00:11:48,837
♪ Men. ♪
295
00:11:55,341 --> 00:11:57,407
♪ Men. ♪
296
00:11:57,409 --> 00:11:59,643
Hey. I got here
as quick as I could.
297
00:11:59,645 --> 00:12:01,044
Are you okay, buddy?
What happened?
298
00:12:01,046 --> 00:12:02,346
He's fine. It's typical
kid stuff, you know?
299
00:12:02,348 --> 00:12:03,914
He was running
a little too fast,
300
00:12:03,916 --> 00:12:05,449
and he tripped
and bumped his head.
301
00:12:05,451 --> 00:12:07,684
And then Alan
shot a little girl.
302
00:12:09,989 --> 00:12:12,389
What?
We played laser tag.
303
00:12:12,391 --> 00:12:13,690
♪ Secret, secret ♪
304
00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:15,359
♪ It was a secret. ♪
305
00:12:17,162 --> 00:12:20,264
Alan, can I talk to you
in the hallway?
306
00:12:20,266 --> 00:12:22,666
Ooh, you're in trouble.
307
00:12:31,911 --> 00:12:33,977
I really hope you have
a good explanation
308
00:12:33,979 --> 00:12:35,612
for taking him to laser tag.
309
00:12:35,614 --> 00:12:38,248
Uh, okay, j-just
out of curiosity,
310
00:12:38,250 --> 00:12:40,117
um, uh, what, in your opinion,
311
00:12:40,119 --> 00:12:42,719
would qualify
as a good explanation?
312
00:12:42,721 --> 00:12:44,855
I don't know.
Y-Your car broke down
313
00:12:44,857 --> 00:12:46,556
outside of the place.
314
00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:49,092
And then the tornado was coming,
so you took shelter inside.
315
00:12:49,094 --> 00:12:51,628
And then once you got in there,
you contracted a rare disease
316
00:12:51,630 --> 00:12:54,965
that could only be cured
by playing laser tag.
317
00:12:54,967 --> 00:12:57,367
Wow, it's like you were there.
318
00:12:57,369 --> 00:12:58,835
What the hell, man?
319
00:12:58,837 --> 00:13:00,137
You said you had my back.
320
00:13:00,139 --> 00:13:01,738
Why do you keep doing this?
321
00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:02,873
He thinks I'm cool.
322
00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:04,141
I mean, when Jake was a kid,
323
00:13:04,143 --> 00:13:05,876
he thought Charlie
was the cool one.
324
00:13:05,878 --> 00:13:08,011
When you moved in, Jake
thought you were the cool one.
325
00:13:08,013 --> 00:13:09,579
Now it's my turn.
326
00:13:09,581 --> 00:13:12,149
Louis thinks I'm Al-Al Cool Dad.
327
00:13:12,151 --> 00:13:13,650
No, he doesn't.
328
00:13:13,652 --> 00:13:15,018
He's using this
329
00:13:15,020 --> 00:13:18,322
to manipulate you just like
Ms. McMartin said he would.
330
00:13:18,324 --> 00:13:20,924
Oh, so the-the only possible
reason that someone
331
00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:23,160
would like me is because
they're trying to manipulate me?
332
00:13:23,162 --> 00:13:25,128
Yes, that's right!
333
00:13:25,130 --> 00:13:29,066
You're not Al-Al Cool Dad,
you're just Weird Al.
334
00:13:29,068 --> 00:13:31,301
Okay, first of all,
335
00:13:31,303 --> 00:13:34,004
that's a compliment
to a lover of puns.
336
00:13:34,006 --> 00:13:36,473
Secondly,
you're overreacting.
337
00:13:36,475 --> 00:13:38,108
Overreacting?
338
00:13:39,244 --> 00:13:40,978
I asked you
to get Louis a backpack.
339
00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:42,946
Instead you got him stitches!
340
00:13:42,948 --> 00:13:44,281
Uh, actually,
it's a liquid band.
341
00:13:44,283 --> 00:13:46,750
Shut up!
342
00:13:46,752 --> 00:13:48,385
Louis is fine.
343
00:13:48,387 --> 00:13:50,320
Kids get hurt all the time,
especially boys.
344
00:13:50,322 --> 00:13:51,955
Jake was constantly banging his head.
Okay,
345
00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:54,157
I really don't think you should
be using Jake as an example.
346
00:13:54,159 --> 00:13:56,893
Oh, so what are you saying? That
I did a bad job raising my son?
347
00:13:56,895 --> 00:14:00,263
Jake is great, but he did just
send you a photo from Tokyo
348
00:14:00,265 --> 00:14:03,533
and said-- and I quote-- "Look
at what a great job they did
349
00:14:03,535 --> 00:14:06,269
rebuilding the city
after Godzilla."
350
00:14:06,271 --> 00:14:09,706
Okay, I may not be
the best parent in the world,
351
00:14:09,708 --> 00:14:12,242
but at least I found a woman
willing to have a kid with me.
352
00:14:12,244 --> 00:14:14,411
Okay, you know what,
we should drop this.
353
00:14:14,413 --> 00:14:16,713
Like you did Jake,
on his head, repeatedly.
354
00:14:16,715 --> 00:14:18,448
Yeah. I don't have to take this.
355
00:14:18,450 --> 00:14:20,083
So I am just gonna walk away.
356
00:14:20,085 --> 00:14:22,085
Like every woman
you've ever dated.
357
00:14:22,087 --> 00:14:24,654
Oh, no, you're
gonna walk away?
358
00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:26,456
Well, when am I
gonna see you again?
359
00:14:26,458 --> 00:14:28,325
Oh, I know. In 20 minutes,
360
00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:31,528
at my house,
where you live rent-free.
361
00:14:31,530 --> 00:14:34,031
Proctology is on
the eighth floor, Walden!
362
00:14:34,033 --> 00:14:36,400
In case you'd like
to get that stick removed.
363
00:14:36,402 --> 00:14:40,037
Al-Al Cool Dad, out.
364
00:14:43,842 --> 00:14:45,976
♪ Men. ♪
365
00:14:48,047 --> 00:14:49,446
Morning.
366
00:14:49,448 --> 00:14:50,847
Morning.
367
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:53,116
I want you to know
I spent a lot of time thinking
368
00:14:53,118 --> 00:14:54,551
about everything last night.
369
00:14:54,553 --> 00:14:55,652
And?
370
00:14:55,654 --> 00:14:58,688
And I think
an apology is sufficient.
371
00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:00,290
I don't need a gift.
372
00:15:01,460 --> 00:15:02,826
Although I certainly
wouldn't refuse
373
00:15:02,828 --> 00:15:04,194
a new panini press.
374
00:15:04,196 --> 00:15:05,662
That's a great idea.
375
00:15:05,664 --> 00:15:07,564
You know, if I bought you
a panini press,
376
00:15:07,566 --> 00:15:11,134
would you smash your balls
between the hot metal grates?
377
00:15:11,136 --> 00:15:13,003
Oh, okay.
378
00:15:13,005 --> 00:15:15,772
I see I'm the only one
capable of being a mature adult,
379
00:15:15,774 --> 00:15:17,841
so to you I say...
380
00:15:19,178 --> 00:15:21,078
You spit on me.
381
00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:22,345
Oh, did I?
382
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:24,915
Okay.
383
00:15:24,917 --> 00:15:26,183
Let's go.
384
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,721
Can I play, too?
385
00:15:35,027 --> 00:15:38,261
Hey, buddy, uh, you're already
finished with your chores?
386
00:15:38,263 --> 00:15:40,163
Yup, I made my bed.
387
00:15:40,165 --> 00:15:42,332
What a responsible
young man.
388
00:15:42,334 --> 00:15:45,135
I asked you to do
something and you did it.
389
00:15:45,137 --> 00:15:47,404
And he's six.
390
00:15:47,406 --> 00:15:50,073
Hey, uh, buddy, now that you're
finished with your chores,
391
00:15:50,075 --> 00:15:52,642
what do you say
we go bowling, huh?
392
00:15:52,644 --> 00:15:53,877
Doesn't that sound fun?
393
00:15:53,879 --> 00:15:55,612
We get to wear
other people's shoes.
394
00:15:55,614 --> 00:15:56,813
Can Alan come?
395
00:15:56,815 --> 00:15:58,815
Oh...
396
00:15:58,817 --> 00:16:00,851
Alan already wears
other people's shoes.
397
00:16:00,853 --> 00:16:04,654
I actually have to go
to the grocery store, anyway.
398
00:16:04,656 --> 00:16:07,224
Do you know what else
would be fun?
399
00:16:07,226 --> 00:16:09,259
Hey, anything you want to do.
400
00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:11,728
Let's go to the grocery
store with Alan.
401
00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:18,935
♪ Men. ♪
402
00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,604
Can I get Pop Tarts?
403
00:16:20,606 --> 00:16:23,306
Ah, Pop Tarts.
404
00:16:23,308 --> 00:16:25,442
This is a wonderful
choice.
405
00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:28,345
Might I suggest
the classic strawberry?
406
00:16:28,347 --> 00:16:30,914
Is best by 2016.
407
00:16:30,916 --> 00:16:32,983
This is an excellent year.
408
00:16:32,985 --> 00:16:35,852
Anything for the lady?
409
00:16:35,854 --> 00:16:39,623
Perhaps a glass
of kiss my shir-ass.
410
00:16:39,625 --> 00:16:41,424
Oh, oh.
411
00:16:41,426 --> 00:16:42,559
What do you got there, buddy?
412
00:16:42,561 --> 00:16:44,761
I want Froot Loops.
413
00:16:44,763 --> 00:16:47,330
You know, we only get
one special treat.
414
00:16:47,332 --> 00:16:50,100
So if you want those, we
got to put the Pop Tarts back.
415
00:16:50,102 --> 00:16:51,668
But I want both.
416
00:16:51,670 --> 00:16:54,371
Well, here's the thing:
we can't have both.
417
00:16:54,373 --> 00:16:57,240
So... that's the rule.
418
00:17:05,117 --> 00:17:07,984
Ooh, this should be good.
419
00:17:11,190 --> 00:17:13,390
Okay, Louis...
420
00:17:13,392 --> 00:17:14,991
you heard what I said.
421
00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,493
You can't have these.
422
00:17:22,134 --> 00:17:23,667
Oh, Snap...
423
00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:25,835
Crackle and Pop.
424
00:17:29,608 --> 00:17:31,107
What are you doing?
425
00:17:31,109 --> 00:17:32,909
I want Froot Loops.
426
00:17:32,911 --> 00:17:35,178
Okay, I'm gonna count to three,
427
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,981
and if you don't get up,
you're gonna be in big trouble.
428
00:17:39,418 --> 00:17:42,619
Ooh, counting. This is some
groundbreaking stuff.
429
00:17:42,621 --> 00:17:44,821
One...
430
00:17:45,958 --> 00:17:47,224
...two...
431
00:17:48,794 --> 00:17:50,060
...three.
432
00:17:51,730 --> 00:17:53,530
One...
433
00:17:53,532 --> 00:17:55,332
One and a half...
434
00:17:55,334 --> 00:17:58,201
Well, you clearly
have this under control.
435
00:17:58,203 --> 00:18:00,470
I'm gonna go check out the
cuties in the produce section.
436
00:18:00,472 --> 00:18:03,974
And I may or may not
be talking about the tangerines.
437
00:18:05,210 --> 00:18:07,110
You hear that, Louis?
He's leaving.
438
00:18:07,112 --> 00:18:09,246
And I, now, I guess,
439
00:18:09,248 --> 00:18:11,314
now I'm leaving, so...
440
00:18:11,316 --> 00:18:13,416
unless you want to live
here in the cereal aisle,
441
00:18:13,418 --> 00:18:15,552
I suggest you get up.
442
00:18:17,189 --> 00:18:19,356
All right, okay.
Here we go, then.
443
00:18:19,358 --> 00:18:21,157
Have fun.
444
00:18:21,159 --> 00:18:23,893
I hope Captain Crunch
can put you through college.
445
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:31,368
Next stop
is the checkout aisle.
446
00:18:33,272 --> 00:18:35,038
That's it.
447
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,340
I am not kidding,
I mean it. I am leaving.
448
00:18:37,342 --> 00:18:39,576
Attention shoppers,
449
00:18:39,578 --> 00:18:41,111
we are having
a two-for-one sale
450
00:18:41,113 --> 00:18:44,981
on meaningless threats
in aisle five.
451
00:18:44,983 --> 00:18:46,850
Can you help me out here?
Help? Oh, oh.
452
00:18:46,852 --> 00:18:48,151
You want me to help?
453
00:18:48,153 --> 00:18:50,954
Well, I suppose I could
drop him on his head repeatedly.
454
00:18:50,956 --> 00:18:54,124
Okay, you know what,
I deserve that.
455
00:18:54,126 --> 00:18:56,139
Yesterday I said some
things that I regret.
456
00:18:56,140 --> 00:18:56,968
Mm. Like what?
457
00:18:56,992 --> 00:18:58,864
God, do we have
to do this now?
458
00:18:59,331 --> 00:19:00,597
Why not? I'm not going anywhere.
459
00:19:00,599 --> 00:19:02,999
Clearly, he's not
going anywhere.
460
00:19:03,001 --> 00:19:06,936
Okay, fine, I said that-that
you're not a very good father.
461
00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,005
And that is
simply not true.
462
00:19:09,007 --> 00:19:10,340
Thank you.
463
00:19:10,342 --> 00:19:12,342
That must have been
hard for you to say.
464
00:19:12,344 --> 00:19:15,211
And Jake is a very bright
and capable young man.
465
00:19:15,213 --> 00:19:17,947
And that must have been
damn near impossible to say.
466
00:19:19,117 --> 00:19:21,351
But... very sweet.
467
00:19:21,353 --> 00:19:23,987
Um, I shouldn't have gone
behind your back with Louis.
468
00:19:23,989 --> 00:19:26,956
But it just, it felt so good
that he wanted to be with me.
469
00:19:26,958 --> 00:19:29,025
And I've never been
anybody's first pick before.
470
00:19:29,027 --> 00:19:31,795
You were my first pick
to help me raise a kid.
471
00:19:31,797 --> 00:19:34,364
Clean up on aisle five.
472
00:19:34,366 --> 00:19:35,966
The floor's about to be
covered in tears.
473
00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:38,134
Okay. Can-Can you
give me a hand here?
474
00:19:40,205 --> 00:19:42,238
Okay, I've seen this
a million times before.
475
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:45,141
There is one surefire parental
technique that always works.
476
00:19:51,049 --> 00:19:52,615
He wanted Froot Loops.
477
00:19:52,617 --> 00:19:54,984
We're good parents.
We really are.
478
00:19:54,986 --> 00:19:57,120
♪ Men. ♪
479
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,574
♪ Men. ♪
Louis is all tucked in.
480
00:20:04,898 --> 00:20:06,331
Oh, yeah?
481
00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:08,467
No extra
bedtime story?
482
00:20:08,469 --> 00:20:10,369
No secret dessert?
483
00:20:10,371 --> 00:20:12,738
No dancing like
no one's watching?
484
00:20:12,740 --> 00:20:15,941
No jazz hands were raised,
no heels were kicked.
485
00:20:15,943 --> 00:20:18,777
I appreciate that.
I got your back.
486
00:20:18,779 --> 00:20:21,213
And to say thank you,
487
00:20:21,215 --> 00:20:24,583
I got you a
special surprise.
488
00:20:26,386 --> 00:20:28,520
Froot Loops!
489
00:20:28,522 --> 00:20:30,913
Shh.
♪ Secret, secret ♪
490
00:20:30,914 --> 00:20:32,947
♪ We got a secret. ♪
491
00:20:33,502 --> 00:20:40,002
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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