0
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,800
English (HI) Subtitles.
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E07 (720p) Sex With an Animated Ed Asner - HDTV [KoTuWa]
1
00:00:03,828 --> 00:00:05,829
Ugh.
2
00:00:05,831 --> 00:00:07,330
How is it possible
3
00:00:07,332 --> 00:00:10,367
that kids weigh twice as
much when they're asleep?
4
00:00:10,369 --> 00:00:11,668
I know.
5
00:00:11,670 --> 00:00:13,703
And he should weigh less
after his little mishap
6
00:00:13,705 --> 00:00:15,271
on the spinning teacups.
7
00:00:15,273 --> 00:00:17,207
Yeah.
8
00:00:17,209 --> 00:00:19,609
Felt bad for that girl
in the Cinderella costume
9
00:00:19,611 --> 00:00:21,444
in the cup behind us.
10
00:00:21,446 --> 00:00:24,447
She was right in
the splash zone.
11
00:00:24,449 --> 00:00:26,483
(groans)
I'm exhausted.
12
00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:28,118
Me, too.
13
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:31,121
I'm also sticky and dirty
and sweaty and slimy.
14
00:00:31,123 --> 00:00:34,391
I'm like the seven dwarfs
of disgusting.
15
00:00:34,393 --> 00:00:37,160
Ugh, I should not have eaten
that funnel cake.
16
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,628
(groans)
17
00:00:38,630 --> 00:00:40,296
Well, I see
your funnel cake
18
00:00:40,298 --> 00:00:44,401
and raise you a deep-fried
Snickers stuffed into a Twinkie.
19
00:00:44,403 --> 00:00:47,337
I think I blacked out briefly.
20
00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,506
(both groaning)
21
00:00:51,075 --> 00:00:53,943
Is being a dad always
this tiring?
22
00:00:53,945 --> 00:00:57,614
These are the best
moments of your life.
23
00:00:57,616 --> 00:01:00,350
And they are over
so fast.
24
00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:02,252
Seems like only yesterday,
25
00:01:02,254 --> 00:01:05,622
Jake was holding my hand
in the haunted house.
26
00:01:05,624 --> 00:01:09,259
Now he's half a world away
in the army,
27
00:01:09,261 --> 00:01:12,295
wondering if a "dishonorable
discharge" is something you get
28
00:01:12,297 --> 00:01:13,696
from a dirty geisha.
29
00:01:13,698 --> 00:01:15,899
So sweet.
30
00:01:23,507 --> 00:01:26,309
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
31
00:01:26,311 --> 00:01:28,236
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
32
00:01:28,237 --> 00:01:32,237
♪ Two and a Half Men 12x07 ♪
Sex With an Animated Ed Asner
Original Air Date: 2014-12-11
.
33
00:01:32,238 --> 00:01:36,238
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man
34
00:01:36,239 --> 00:01:39,007
♪ Men. ♪
35
00:01:39,009 --> 00:01:40,175
Walden?
36
00:01:40,177 --> 00:01:43,178
What?
37
00:01:44,247 --> 00:01:45,447
What do you want?
38
00:01:45,449 --> 00:01:46,815
Are you asleep?
39
00:01:46,817 --> 00:01:49,618
(whines): 3Ks.
40
00:01:49,620 --> 00:01:52,921
That's what people do at...
41
00:01:52,923 --> 00:01:56,458
5:30 in the morning.
42
00:01:56,460 --> 00:01:58,994
Is it okay
if I can make breakfast?
43
00:01:58,996 --> 00:02:00,262
Sure.
44
00:02:00,264 --> 00:02:01,763
Thanks.
45
00:02:04,901 --> 00:02:06,067
Walden?
46
00:02:06,069 --> 00:02:10,105
Walden's not here,
please leave a message.
47
00:02:10,107 --> 00:02:12,407
How do you like your pancakes?
48
00:02:12,409 --> 00:02:14,409
Quietly.
49
00:02:14,411 --> 00:02:17,712
In three hours.
50
00:02:17,714 --> 00:02:20,081
With blueberries.
51
00:02:20,083 --> 00:02:22,017
Okay, I'll go make them.
52
00:02:25,555 --> 00:02:27,055
Oh, God.
53
00:02:27,057 --> 00:02:29,591
Flames.
54
00:02:29,593 --> 00:02:31,726
♪ Men. ♪
55
00:02:31,728 --> 00:02:33,628
Walden?
56
00:02:33,630 --> 00:02:35,597
Ready or not, here I come.
57
00:02:35,599 --> 00:02:37,465
What?
58
00:02:37,467 --> 00:02:40,035
Louis and I,
we're playing hide and seek.
59
00:02:40,037 --> 00:02:41,803
He's under his bed, hiding
60
00:02:41,805 --> 00:02:44,773
and I'm in the kitchen,
seeking sleep.
61
00:02:44,775 --> 00:02:46,441
I hear ya.
62
00:02:46,443 --> 00:02:49,044
I barely got my eight hours.
63
00:02:49,046 --> 00:02:50,946
I don't know
if I can handle this.
64
00:02:50,948 --> 00:02:52,914
Little boys have
a lot of energy.
65
00:02:52,916 --> 00:02:54,482
They're like cute
little crackheads.
66
00:02:54,484 --> 00:02:57,586
Except crackheads have
better toilet aim.
67
00:02:57,588 --> 00:02:59,888
No, no, this isn't about
being tired.
68
00:02:59,890 --> 00:03:02,857
I just, I don't know
if I'm cut out to be a dad.
69
00:03:02,859 --> 00:03:04,092
Hey, I didn't think I could live
70
00:03:04,094 --> 00:03:05,460
in a Malibu beach house
for free,
71
00:03:05,462 --> 00:03:07,796
but I figured it out.
72
00:03:07,798 --> 00:03:10,432
Well, I don't know
if I can figure this out.
73
00:03:10,434 --> 00:03:12,133
I mean, Th-this kid
has bounced around
74
00:03:12,135 --> 00:03:14,469
the foster care system
his whole life.
75
00:03:14,471 --> 00:03:16,304
I mean, I-I don't know
what he needs.
76
00:03:16,306 --> 00:03:17,606
I mean, does he need structure?
77
00:03:17,608 --> 00:03:18,640
Does he need freedom?
78
00:03:18,642 --> 00:03:21,509
Does he need medication?
79
00:03:21,511 --> 00:03:25,146
I should have asked that
before they dropped him off.
80
00:03:25,148 --> 00:03:27,449
All he needs is
your love and support.
81
00:03:27,451 --> 00:03:29,017
(imitates Alan mockingly)
82
00:03:29,019 --> 00:03:30,719
That's a bunch of crap.
83
00:03:30,721 --> 00:03:33,088
Walden, every parent goes
through this.
84
00:03:33,090 --> 00:03:35,123
B-But you're actually
doing a great job.
85
00:03:35,125 --> 00:03:38,126
You're just overwhelmed
because this is all so new,
86
00:03:38,128 --> 00:03:40,428
a-and you're trying to be
everything to him all the time.
87
00:03:40,430 --> 00:03:42,097
You know, full-time dad,
full-time playmate.
88
00:03:42,099 --> 00:03:43,698
You have to give
yourself a break.
89
00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:44,766
How?
90
00:03:44,768 --> 00:03:46,101
He's 24-7.
91
00:03:46,103 --> 00:03:48,670
He's like the Energizer bunny.
92
00:03:48,672 --> 00:03:51,006
You know why you never met
the Energizer bunny's dad?
93
00:03:51,008 --> 00:03:53,141
'Cause one night,
he went out for cigarettes,
94
00:03:53,143 --> 00:03:56,678
and he just kept going
and going and going.
95
00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,348
One thing that'll help
is getting Louis some friends.
96
00:04:00,350 --> 00:04:01,416
Playdates.
97
00:04:01,418 --> 00:04:02,951
They chase each other
around for hours,
98
00:04:02,953 --> 00:04:04,986
eventually they pass out
like work dogs.
99
00:04:04,988 --> 00:04:07,255
Kid'll be in
bed by 8:00,
100
00:04:07,257 --> 00:04:08,890
then it's you, me,
a bowl of popcorn
101
00:04:08,892 --> 00:04:10,992
and binge-watching
The Good Wife.
102
00:04:10,994 --> 00:04:12,661
Okay, so what?
103
00:04:12,663 --> 00:04:14,596
So, I just...
I'll just Google a place
104
00:04:14,598 --> 00:04:16,831
to meet a fun
cute six-year-old.
105
00:04:16,833 --> 00:04:18,366
Oh, yeah. No.
106
00:04:18,368 --> 00:04:20,902
I heard it when I said it.
107
00:04:20,904 --> 00:04:23,571
♪ Men. ♪
108
00:04:23,573 --> 00:04:25,340
Uh, this place
is awesome.
109
00:04:25,342 --> 00:04:27,375
They have a rock wall.
110
00:04:27,377 --> 00:04:29,244
Will you climb it with me?
111
00:04:29,246 --> 00:04:32,747
Oh, buddy, you know, the whole
idea is for you to come here
112
00:04:32,749 --> 00:04:34,249
and meet all these
other kids.
113
00:04:34,251 --> 00:04:35,517
No, just you and me.
114
00:04:35,519 --> 00:04:36,718
Please?
115
00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:37,619
Oh.
116
00:04:37,621 --> 00:04:40,088
All right,
I mean, come on.
117
00:04:40,090 --> 00:04:41,523
How do you say no to those eyes?
118
00:04:41,525 --> 00:04:42,724
I hear ya.
119
00:04:42,726 --> 00:04:44,726
Oh, uh, hey, can I have
some money for the snack bar?
120
00:04:44,728 --> 00:04:46,361
Please?
No.
121
00:04:46,363 --> 00:04:49,030
It's not my fault you already
spent all your allowance.
122
00:04:55,538 --> 00:04:57,272
Room for one more?
123
00:04:57,274 --> 00:04:58,440
Absolutely.
124
00:04:58,442 --> 00:04:59,641
Care for a juice box?
125
00:04:59,643 --> 00:05:02,577
We have cherry, grape
and Chardonnay.
126
00:05:02,579 --> 00:05:06,114
Well, what else can I say
except, "chardonn-yay."
127
00:05:06,116 --> 00:05:08,416
Uh, I am Alan.
128
00:05:08,418 --> 00:05:10,485
Uh, that's Louis over there,
he's mine.
129
00:05:10,487 --> 00:05:12,854
I'm Danielle, and that's
my daughter in the water wings.
130
00:05:12,856 --> 00:05:14,989
Oh, is there a pool here?
No.
131
00:05:14,991 --> 00:05:17,592
At some point,
you just pick your battles.
132
00:05:18,661 --> 00:05:20,562
I'm Laurel, this is Julie.
133
00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:24,265
Oh, hot dad on the rock wall.
134
00:05:24,267 --> 00:05:27,369
I claim this
as Mount Louis!
135
00:05:28,738 --> 00:05:30,138
Wow, he's really cute.
136
00:05:30,140 --> 00:05:31,306
Big time.
137
00:05:31,308 --> 00:05:32,574
Sorry, ladies.
138
00:05:32,576 --> 00:05:33,742
He's taken.
139
00:05:33,744 --> 00:05:34,776
No kidding?
140
00:05:34,778 --> 00:05:35,844
Good for you.
141
00:05:35,846 --> 00:05:37,345
How'd you snag him?
142
00:05:37,347 --> 00:05:40,482
I met him at a low point in his
life, and I took care of him.
143
00:05:40,484 --> 00:05:42,484
And he's been taking care
of me every day since.
144
00:05:42,486 --> 00:05:44,986
(oohing, giggling)
145
00:05:44,988 --> 00:05:46,688
That's the kind of man I need.
146
00:05:46,690 --> 00:05:48,790
No, that's the kind
of man I need.
147
00:05:48,792 --> 00:05:49,924
You're married.
148
00:05:49,926 --> 00:05:51,526
Yeah, to Roger.
149
00:05:51,528 --> 00:05:53,495
He hasn't screwed me
since the prenup.
150
00:05:53,497 --> 00:05:55,363
BOTH:
Classic Julie.
151
00:05:55,365 --> 00:05:58,933
Oh, this is so Sex and the City
right now.
152
00:05:58,935 --> 00:06:01,136
Alan, do we
have any wipes?
153
00:06:01,138 --> 00:06:03,471
The kid above me dripped
something on my face.
154
00:06:03,473 --> 00:06:05,740
The best-case scenario is snot.
155
00:06:05,742 --> 00:06:06,975
Here, I've got some.
156
00:06:06,977 --> 00:06:08,910
Oh, thank you.
157
00:06:08,912 --> 00:06:11,312
Walden, this is, uh,
Laurel, Danielle and Julie.
158
00:06:11,314 --> 00:06:12,847
The ladies, the gals.
159
00:06:12,849 --> 00:06:14,616
The juice box heroes.
160
00:06:14,618 --> 00:06:15,550
Hi.
161
00:06:15,552 --> 00:06:16,484
Hello.
162
00:06:16,486 --> 00:06:17,952
Hi, nice to meet you all.
163
00:06:17,954 --> 00:06:19,320
Your son is adorable.
164
00:06:19,322 --> 00:06:22,190
I'm his husband, silly.
165
00:06:22,192 --> 00:06:23,691
So, uh, which one's yours?
166
00:06:23,693 --> 00:06:24,759
My daughter, Lily,
167
00:06:24,761 --> 00:06:26,628
is the one licking
that little boy.
168
00:06:26,630 --> 00:06:29,097
Sweetie, we don't
lick strangers!
169
00:06:29,099 --> 00:06:31,499
Oh, and I thought
we were gonna be friends.
170
00:06:31,501 --> 00:06:32,967
All right.
171
00:06:32,969 --> 00:06:35,370
I'm headed to the ball pit.
172
00:06:35,372 --> 00:06:38,440
Same thing he said as he dove
under the covers last night.
173
00:06:38,442 --> 00:06:39,841
Boing.
174
00:06:41,877 --> 00:06:44,479
♪ Men. ♪
175
00:06:44,481 --> 00:06:45,747
Thanks for having us.
176
00:06:45,749 --> 00:06:48,983
I got to say, this is a
great spot for a playdate.
177
00:06:48,985 --> 00:06:50,685
This view is amazing.
178
00:06:50,687 --> 00:06:53,788
Yes. Yes, it is.
179
00:06:53,790 --> 00:06:55,757
You know, I used to walk
by houses like this
180
00:06:55,759 --> 00:06:57,258
and think the people
on the decks were just looking
181
00:06:57,260 --> 00:07:00,361
down their noses at everyone,
feeling all superior.
182
00:07:00,363 --> 00:07:02,063
Now I know it's true.
183
00:07:03,132 --> 00:07:04,599
Roger sold our beach house
184
00:07:04,601 --> 00:07:06,067
'cause he said we never used it.
185
00:07:06,069 --> 00:07:08,736
Using that logic,
we should sell his penis.
186
00:07:08,738 --> 00:07:10,705
(laughs)
187
00:07:10,707 --> 00:07:12,640
Classic Julie.
188
00:07:12,642 --> 00:07:14,909
Hey, w-we should make
this a regular thing.
189
00:07:14,911 --> 00:07:16,578
(thudding, shattering)
190
00:07:16,580 --> 00:07:19,247
Oh. Yeah, next time we'll
do it at one of your houses.
191
00:07:20,382 --> 00:07:22,417
Hey, uh, Louis, is
everything okay?
192
00:07:22,419 --> 00:07:23,852
Over.
193
00:07:23,854 --> 00:07:26,921
LOUIS:
Lego tower fell over.
194
00:07:26,923 --> 00:07:28,590
Uh, you didn't
say "over."
195
00:07:28,592 --> 00:07:30,291
Over.
196
00:07:30,293 --> 00:07:32,260
I said the Lego tower fell over.
197
00:07:32,262 --> 00:07:33,361
Over.
198
00:07:33,363 --> 00:07:35,997
You're so good
with him. Over.
199
00:07:35,999 --> 00:07:39,734
Actually, I-I feel like I
have no idea what I'm doing.
200
00:07:39,736 --> 00:07:41,069
Join the club.
201
00:07:41,071 --> 00:07:42,871
Parenting's
like a yoga class.
202
00:07:42,873 --> 00:07:44,539
You just do what
everybody else is doing
203
00:07:44,541 --> 00:07:46,407
and try not to laugh
when someone farts.
204
00:07:49,211 --> 00:07:52,046
Okay, so all the kids are
playing in Louis' room.
205
00:07:52,048 --> 00:07:54,048
Well, technically, three
of them are playing together,
206
00:07:54,050 --> 00:07:56,484
and Louis is in the corner,
coloring by himself.
207
00:07:56,486 --> 00:07:57,519
That's perfectly normal.
208
00:07:57,521 --> 00:07:59,888
The parenting books call it
"parallel play."
209
00:07:59,890 --> 00:08:01,789
Oh, that's good
to know.
210
00:08:01,791 --> 00:08:03,658
So, in high school,
I wasn't such a weirdo.
211
00:08:03,660 --> 00:08:06,594
I was just a parallel player.
212
00:08:06,596 --> 00:08:09,597
My sex life with my first wife
was a lot of parallel play.
213
00:08:10,599 --> 00:08:11,733
Just give Louis time.
214
00:08:11,735 --> 00:08:13,368
Remember, this is
all new for him.
215
00:08:13,370 --> 00:08:14,836
Kind of like
learning on my honeymoon
216
00:08:14,838 --> 00:08:17,272
that I wasn't going to have sex
was all new for me.
217
00:08:17,274 --> 00:08:19,240
You know, I just want him
to have friends.
218
00:08:19,242 --> 00:08:21,809
You know, like a couple girls,
and a couple boys.
219
00:08:21,811 --> 00:08:23,011
He's gonna be fine.
220
00:08:23,013 --> 00:08:25,079
In the meantime,
I have made some friends
221
00:08:25,081 --> 00:08:27,715
who have welcomed me
into the secret world of women.
222
00:08:27,717 --> 00:08:29,717
I am this close to discovering
everything about them.
223
00:08:29,719 --> 00:08:31,986
What they like, what
they don't like.
224
00:08:31,988 --> 00:08:34,322
And where they don't like it.
225
00:08:34,324 --> 00:08:37,292
We're supposed to be here
helping Louis make friends.
226
00:08:37,294 --> 00:08:38,993
Oh, please, I see
how you look at Laurel.
227
00:08:38,995 --> 00:08:41,529
It's the same way I look at
a five dollar bill in a tip jar
228
00:08:41,531 --> 00:08:43,298
I think I can swap out
for a single.
229
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,366
Okay, what are you
talking about?
230
00:08:45,368 --> 00:08:47,502
That is Louis'
friend's mom.
231
00:08:47,504 --> 00:08:49,704
And, yes,
we get along great.
232
00:08:49,706 --> 00:08:51,506
And, yes,
she's pretty and nice.
233
00:08:51,508 --> 00:08:53,675
And, yes, she used to be
a gymnast and can still
234
00:08:53,677 --> 00:08:54,809
put her legs
behind her head.
235
00:08:54,811 --> 00:08:55,977
And she is out there.
236
00:08:55,979 --> 00:08:58,980
So why am I still standing here,
talking to you?
237
00:08:58,982 --> 00:09:02,183
I can put my legs behind my
head, but you'll never see it.
238
00:09:04,153 --> 00:09:06,154
♪ Men. ♪
239
00:09:06,156 --> 00:09:07,655
He was a really nice guy,
Mm-hmm.
240
00:09:07,657 --> 00:09:09,123
and I liked hanging
out with him,
241
00:09:09,125 --> 00:09:10,625
but when we got
to the bedroom,
242
00:09:10,627 --> 00:09:12,627
he was just, well...
243
00:09:12,629 --> 00:09:15,763
If he were a candy bar,
he'd be the fun size.
244
00:09:15,765 --> 00:09:17,665
There's nothing fun
about that.
245
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:21,202
Yeah, nothing worse
than a small penis.
246
00:09:21,204 --> 00:09:23,471
But, seriously, how
small is too small?
247
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:25,907
Alan, you are a riot.
248
00:09:25,909 --> 00:09:27,976
We should hang out
with you more often.
249
00:09:27,978 --> 00:09:30,111
Hey, what do you
say, we all go out
250
00:09:30,113 --> 00:09:31,512
this Saturday for
a girls night?
251
00:09:31,514 --> 00:09:33,548
You know, get a limo,
go out dancing,
252
00:09:33,550 --> 00:09:34,916
wear our sluttiest outfits.
253
00:09:34,918 --> 00:09:37,652
Julie, you can wear what
you're wearing now.
254
00:09:37,654 --> 00:09:40,088
Uh, I'm bad.
255
00:09:40,090 --> 00:09:42,156
Should we go check
on the kids?
256
00:09:42,158 --> 00:09:43,591
Are you kidding?
257
00:09:43,593 --> 00:09:46,628
They're set up with pizza,
popsicles and The Lego Movie.
258
00:09:46,630 --> 00:09:47,862
For the next two hours,
259
00:09:47,864 --> 00:09:49,864
♪ Everything is awesome. ♪
260
00:09:49,866 --> 00:09:52,800
Yeah, I've seen that
movie, like, five times.
261
00:09:52,802 --> 00:09:55,303
I should really watch it
with Louis at some point.
262
00:09:55,305 --> 00:09:56,571
I haven't seen a movie
263
00:09:56,573 --> 00:09:59,240
that wasn't for a kid
in forever.
264
00:09:59,242 --> 00:10:01,242
The other night
I actually had a sex dream
265
00:10:01,244 --> 00:10:02,844
about an animated character.
266
00:10:02,846 --> 00:10:05,346
Whoa...
267
00:10:05,348 --> 00:10:06,280
Prince Charming?
268
00:10:06,282 --> 00:10:09,250
The old guy from Up.
269
00:10:11,286 --> 00:10:14,355
And, sadly, it was the only sex
I've had in two years.
270
00:10:14,357 --> 00:10:16,691
Well, if it meant a
whole night's sleep,
271
00:10:16,693 --> 00:10:20,395
I'd have sex with an
animated Ed Asner, too.
272
00:10:20,397 --> 00:10:21,863
You think you're tired now.
273
00:10:21,865 --> 00:10:23,798
You missed the hardest years.
274
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,968
The-the... the picky eating,
the tantrums, the bed-wetting.
275
00:10:26,970 --> 00:10:30,304
Okay, to be fair, I get
all of that with Alan.
276
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:33,975
You guys are a great team.
Hmm.
277
00:10:33,977 --> 00:10:35,710
The only thing
my ex would help with
278
00:10:35,712 --> 00:10:37,578
was driving the babysitter home.
279
00:10:37,580 --> 00:10:39,313
She'd have the kids
in bed by 8:00
280
00:10:39,315 --> 00:10:41,349
and my husband in bed by 10:00.
281
00:10:41,351 --> 00:10:44,018
Oh... that's horrible.
282
00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:45,720
Is she a good sitter?
'Cause we're looking.
283
00:10:45,722 --> 00:10:47,655
Sorry.
284
00:10:47,657 --> 00:10:50,558
Without that jerk of an ex,
285
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:51,959
I wouldn't have Lily,
286
00:10:51,961 --> 00:10:54,262
and even at six years old,
she's my best friend.
287
00:10:54,264 --> 00:10:56,664
I hope I get there
with Louis at some point.
288
00:10:56,666 --> 00:10:58,099
You'll get there.
289
00:10:58,101 --> 00:10:59,634
I hope I stay there with Lily.
290
00:10:59,636 --> 00:11:01,436
I'm afraid that by the time
she's a teenager,
291
00:11:01,438 --> 00:11:03,171
she'll be like,
"Mom, you're 100!
292
00:11:03,173 --> 00:11:05,273
Nobody believes
I'm your sister!"
293
00:11:05,275 --> 00:11:07,241
Okay, how could anyone say that
294
00:11:07,243 --> 00:11:10,745
about someone as pretty,
smart and flexible as you?
295
00:11:10,747 --> 00:11:12,413
(laughs)
296
00:11:12,415 --> 00:11:13,981
You're so sweet.
297
00:11:13,983 --> 00:11:15,583
You don't happen to know
298
00:11:15,585 --> 00:11:18,352
of a single, straight version
of you, do you?
299
00:11:18,354 --> 00:11:21,022
I used to know one.
300
00:11:21,024 --> 00:11:22,990
Are you looking for a date?
301
00:11:22,992 --> 00:11:25,426
I told you,
it's been over two years.
302
00:11:25,428 --> 00:11:27,628
I need a lot more than a date.
303
00:11:34,002 --> 00:11:36,571
♪ Popsicles are awesome! ♪
304
00:11:37,673 --> 00:11:40,241
Okay, I'm gonna go
check on the kids.
305
00:11:40,243 --> 00:11:43,044
I'm gonna wait
here for a bit.
306
00:11:43,046 --> 00:11:44,946
♪ Men. ♪
307
00:11:51,657 --> 00:11:53,290
♪ Men. ♪
308
00:11:53,292 --> 00:11:54,625
Hope you are ready to go.
309
00:11:54,627 --> 00:11:55,860
The ladies just Instagrammed
310
00:11:55,862 --> 00:11:57,395
a selfie
from the limo.
311
00:11:57,397 --> 00:12:00,431
#GirlsNightOut
is on like Chaka Khan!
312
00:12:00,433 --> 00:12:03,100
All right, Louis
is eating his dinner.
313
00:12:03,102 --> 00:12:04,201
WALDEN:
Oh, great. Chaka Khan!
314
00:12:04,203 --> 00:12:07,004
Hey, thank you again
for watching him tonight.
315
00:12:07,006 --> 00:12:08,539
And if anything
comes up...
316
00:12:08,541 --> 00:12:10,341
and I mean anything at all...
you call my cell.
317
00:12:10,343 --> 00:12:11,308
Got it.
318
00:12:11,310 --> 00:12:13,277
Oh, if he wants to play a game,
319
00:12:13,279 --> 00:12:14,712
he likes Chutes and Ladders.
320
00:12:14,714 --> 00:12:16,180
And if he want
to watch a cartoon,
321
00:12:16,182 --> 00:12:17,648
he likes Phineas and Ferb.
322
00:12:17,650 --> 00:12:21,052
And who does he like in the
Cardinals-Rams game tonight?
323
00:12:21,054 --> 00:12:22,620
I know I'm being
a little bit crazy,
324
00:12:22,622 --> 00:12:24,455
but this is the first time
I've left him alone.
325
00:12:24,457 --> 00:12:26,824
Relax, I had five kids,
326
00:12:26,826 --> 00:12:29,727
12 grandkids and
four great-grandkids.
327
00:12:29,729 --> 00:12:31,896
I've done it all.
328
00:12:31,898 --> 00:12:35,566
Except teach them
about birth control.
329
00:12:35,568 --> 00:12:37,635
I don't feel good.
330
00:12:37,637 --> 00:12:39,503
Oh, no.
What's the matter?
331
00:12:39,505 --> 00:12:40,871
I just threw up.
332
00:12:40,873 --> 00:12:43,641
Oh, no.
Oh... yep.
333
00:12:43,643 --> 00:12:45,342
He's got a fever.
(sighs)
334
00:12:45,344 --> 00:12:47,211
I'll bet it was that snot-nosed kid
on the rock wall.
335
00:12:47,213 --> 00:12:49,280
Typhoid Tyler.
Yeah.
336
00:12:49,282 --> 00:12:50,681
I got this.
337
00:12:50,683 --> 00:12:53,384
I worked for Charlie
for ten years.
338
00:12:53,386 --> 00:12:55,920
I know vomit.
339
00:12:55,922 --> 00:12:59,190
Cleaning it up
and inducing it.
340
00:12:59,192 --> 00:13:01,692
I never threw up
SpaghettiOs before.
341
00:13:01,694 --> 00:13:03,394
It's kind of fun.
Oh...
342
00:13:03,396 --> 00:13:04,695
(Berta laughs)
343
00:13:04,697 --> 00:13:06,030
Should we go
to the doctor?
344
00:13:06,032 --> 00:13:07,064
Oh, no, no.
345
00:13:07,066 --> 00:13:08,632
I'm sure it's
just a tummy ache.
346
00:13:08,634 --> 00:13:10,434
I'll text the girls and let 'em know
we can't make it.
347
00:13:10,436 --> 00:13:12,436
Oh, no. Come on.
You go.
348
00:13:12,438 --> 00:13:13,771
You sure?
349
00:13:13,773 --> 00:13:15,806
Yeah, come on, this is
what a parent does.
350
00:13:15,808 --> 00:13:17,141
This is what I
signed up for.
351
00:13:17,143 --> 00:13:18,309
Besides, you took
a half an hour
352
00:13:18,311 --> 00:13:20,077
getting into
those Spanx.
353
00:13:21,213 --> 00:13:23,147
All right. Sorry.
354
00:13:23,149 --> 00:13:24,882
Um... I'll send
pictures.
355
00:13:24,884 --> 00:13:26,417
Danielle said that
if I get her drunk enough
356
00:13:26,419 --> 00:13:27,685
she'll show me her tattoos.
357
00:13:27,687 --> 00:13:31,055
Uh, she's got a bird on her hand
and two in her...
358
00:13:31,057 --> 00:13:34,091
♪ Men. ♪
359
00:13:34,093 --> 00:13:35,726
Walden...
360
00:13:35,728 --> 00:13:37,328
I'm sorry I got sick.
361
00:13:37,330 --> 00:13:38,796
What? Come on, man.
362
00:13:38,798 --> 00:13:39,730
Don't be sorry.
363
00:13:39,732 --> 00:13:40,798
It happens.
364
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,366
I'm sorry you don't feel well.
365
00:13:42,368 --> 00:13:44,435
But you were going
to go out with Alan
366
00:13:44,437 --> 00:13:46,036
and now you can't 'cause of me.
367
00:13:46,038 --> 00:13:48,038
Oh, I'm not missing anything.
368
00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:50,241
You ever seen Alan dance?
369
00:13:52,477 --> 00:13:53,477
All right.
370
00:13:53,479 --> 00:13:54,912
Now, you get some good sleep
371
00:13:54,914 --> 00:13:57,181
and I'm gonna be right here
372
00:13:57,183 --> 00:13:58,315
if you need anything.
373
00:13:58,317 --> 00:13:59,950
Oh, and you know
who else'll be here?
374
00:13:59,952 --> 00:14:02,219
Your new friend,
"Barfy the Bucket."
375
00:14:03,488 --> 00:14:05,089
(high-pitched voice):
♪ I'm here for you ♪
376
00:14:05,091 --> 00:14:07,725
♪ If you're ready to spew! ♪
377
00:14:07,727 --> 00:14:09,627
(laughs)
378
00:14:09,629 --> 00:14:11,195
♪ Men. ♪
379
00:14:11,197 --> 00:14:13,364
(doorbell rings)
380
00:14:17,536 --> 00:14:18,536
Hey.
381
00:14:18,538 --> 00:14:19,770
Laurel.
382
00:14:19,772 --> 00:14:21,038
What are you
doing here?
383
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,306
I bailed.
384
00:14:22,308 --> 00:14:23,808
Didn't Alan tell you?
385
00:14:23,810 --> 00:14:25,509
No, the only
thing I got
386
00:14:25,511 --> 00:14:27,411
was a picture of
Alan twerking.
387
00:14:28,947 --> 00:14:33,484
With a caption that said,
"Alan got his groove back."
388
00:14:33,486 --> 00:14:35,619
Well, when I heard
that Louis was sick,
389
00:14:35,621 --> 00:14:37,188
I thought you could
use some help.
390
00:14:37,190 --> 00:14:38,355
And soup.
391
00:14:38,357 --> 00:14:39,723
Come on, that
is so sweet.
392
00:14:39,725 --> 00:14:41,525
You did not
have to do this.
393
00:14:41,527 --> 00:14:43,994
You look amazing.
Oh, thanks.
394
00:14:43,996 --> 00:14:45,596
Well, I already had
the sitter, and...
395
00:14:45,598 --> 00:14:48,666
first rule of parenting:
Never cancel the sitter.
396
00:14:48,668 --> 00:14:50,835
Well, unless she's banging
your husband.
397
00:14:52,370 --> 00:14:53,103
Too far?
398
00:14:53,105 --> 00:14:54,972
No, uh, "too far"
399
00:14:54,974 --> 00:14:56,407
was starting a Facebook page
400
00:14:56,409 --> 00:14:59,910
called "Tiffany Jones is a
Husband-Stealing Little Bitch."
401
00:15:01,546 --> 00:15:04,281
Uh, do you know what Louis has?
402
00:15:04,283 --> 00:15:05,783
Uh, well, I went on the Internet
403
00:15:05,785 --> 00:15:08,018
and I've narrowed it down
to either the flu,
404
00:15:08,020 --> 00:15:11,121
rickets
or early-onset menopause.
405
00:15:11,123 --> 00:15:12,523
Second rule of parenting:
406
00:15:12,525 --> 00:15:14,024
Never consult the Internet.
407
00:15:14,026 --> 00:15:15,593
(chuckles)
How's he doing now?
408
00:15:15,595 --> 00:15:17,461
Well, he's asleep
409
00:15:17,463 --> 00:15:18,729
and he's doing
pretty well.
410
00:15:18,731 --> 00:15:20,364
Oh, good, because...
411
00:15:20,366 --> 00:15:22,933
I brought this for us.
412
00:15:22,935 --> 00:15:23,901
Oh...
413
00:15:23,903 --> 00:15:25,636
You know,
third rule of parenting:
414
00:15:25,638 --> 00:15:28,505
Kids aren't the only ones
that can drink from a bottle.
415
00:15:28,507 --> 00:15:30,841
♪ Men. ♪
416
00:15:30,843 --> 00:15:32,576
♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night ♪
417
00:15:32,578 --> 00:15:34,445
♪ And the feeling's right ♪
418
00:15:34,447 --> 00:15:37,147
♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night,
oh, what a night ♪
419
00:15:37,149 --> 00:15:39,783
(deep voice):
♪ Oh, what a night. ♪
420
00:15:39,785 --> 00:15:41,552
(whooping)
421
00:15:41,554 --> 00:15:42,554
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
422
00:15:42,555 --> 00:15:43,687
Easy, there.
423
00:15:43,689 --> 00:15:45,122
I pour strong when
the alcohol's free.
424
00:15:45,124 --> 00:15:46,323
I have to cram a lot of fun
425
00:15:46,325 --> 00:15:47,825
into a short amount of time.
ALAN: Mmm.
426
00:15:47,827 --> 00:15:49,493
Kind of like sex with Roger.
427
00:15:49,495 --> 00:15:50,661
(women laughing)
428
00:15:50,663 --> 00:15:52,096
What is it with guys
429
00:15:52,098 --> 00:15:53,697
and their constant need for sex?
430
00:15:53,699 --> 00:15:55,699
Look at Alan here.
He's out with two women,
431
00:15:55,701 --> 00:15:57,568
but I bet even he
wants sex right now.
432
00:15:57,570 --> 00:15:59,803
I do. I really do.
433
00:15:59,805 --> 00:16:01,105
Oh, my God!
Let's dance!
434
00:16:01,107 --> 00:16:02,239
(whoops)
435
00:16:02,241 --> 00:16:03,574
(both whooping)
436
00:16:03,576 --> 00:16:05,242
♪ ♪
437
00:16:05,244 --> 00:16:06,644
Come up here, Alan!
438
00:16:06,646 --> 00:16:08,812
No, I-I'm good down here.
439
00:16:10,181 --> 00:16:11,448
Well, he's still asleep
440
00:16:11,450 --> 00:16:13,217
and he feels cooler,
441
00:16:13,219 --> 00:16:15,019
but now I'm worried that
he might have hypothermia.
442
00:16:15,021 --> 00:16:16,520
Yeah.
443
00:16:16,522 --> 00:16:18,022
You know, one of
the hardest lessons
444
00:16:18,024 --> 00:16:19,690
I've had to learn as a parent
is sometimes
445
00:16:19,692 --> 00:16:21,125
you just
gotta relax.
446
00:16:21,127 --> 00:16:22,259
(laughing):
Relax?
447
00:16:22,261 --> 00:16:23,627
All I do is worry.
448
00:16:23,629 --> 00:16:24,762
And now that
I don't sleep,
449
00:16:24,764 --> 00:16:26,397
I have plenty
of time to do it.
450
00:16:26,399 --> 00:16:28,299
Is he exercising enough?
451
00:16:28,301 --> 00:16:30,501
Is he eating right?
Does he even want to stay here?
452
00:16:30,503 --> 00:16:33,137
I mean, this is the most
terrifying thing I've ever done.
453
00:16:33,139 --> 00:16:35,606
And... this is scarier than
when I bought the big iPhone
454
00:16:35,608 --> 00:16:37,675
and I didn't know
if it would fit in my pocket.
455
00:16:37,677 --> 00:16:39,643
(laughs)
456
00:16:41,780 --> 00:16:43,347
You think
you're scared?
457
00:16:43,349 --> 00:16:44,615
I have a daughter.
458
00:16:44,617 --> 00:16:46,650
I worry about
all the same things you do,
459
00:16:46,652 --> 00:16:48,218
plus penises.
460
00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:49,853
And with you,
461
00:16:49,855 --> 00:16:51,956
you have to worry
about animated penises.
462
00:16:53,625 --> 00:16:55,259
I should have never
told you that.
463
00:16:55,261 --> 00:16:57,261
You should never
tell anyone that.
464
00:16:57,263 --> 00:16:59,797
All right, all right.
What-what's your next date?
465
00:16:59,799 --> 00:17:01,231
Shrek?
466
00:17:02,567 --> 00:17:04,735
No, no, no.
The-the genie from Aladdin.
467
00:17:04,737 --> 00:17:06,203
Or-or maybe you'll
have a three-way
468
00:17:06,205 --> 00:17:08,505
with the Hakuna Matata guys?
469
00:17:09,841 --> 00:17:11,208
Shut up.
470
00:17:11,210 --> 00:17:12,210
Make me.
471
00:17:12,211 --> 00:17:14,745
I could make you.
472
00:17:14,747 --> 00:17:16,480
Oh, yeah?
473
00:17:16,482 --> 00:17:17,815
Mm-hmm.
474
00:17:17,817 --> 00:17:19,550
I'm right here.
475
00:17:25,390 --> 00:17:28,225
I'm so sorry.
What? Why?
476
00:17:30,628 --> 00:17:32,396
You're married.
477
00:17:32,398 --> 00:17:34,565
To a man.
Oh...
478
00:17:34,567 --> 00:17:35,799
That. Uh...
479
00:17:35,801 --> 00:17:36,934
I should go.
480
00:17:36,936 --> 00:17:39,370
No, no, no, no. No, no, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
481
00:17:39,372 --> 00:17:42,139
Here's... okay, the thing
about my marriage is...
482
00:17:42,141 --> 00:17:43,807
I'm not gay.
483
00:17:43,809 --> 00:17:46,010
Does Alan know?
484
00:17:47,178 --> 00:17:49,313
His brain knows,
485
00:17:49,315 --> 00:17:52,349
but his heart may not.
486
00:17:52,351 --> 00:17:53,617
Here-here-here,
here's the thing.
487
00:17:53,619 --> 00:17:54,952
Here's the thing:
Alan is...
488
00:17:54,954 --> 00:17:56,253
he's my best
friend, okay?
489
00:17:56,255 --> 00:17:57,788
And-and he married me
as a favor
490
00:17:57,790 --> 00:18:00,290
so it would be easier
to adopt Louis.
491
00:18:00,292 --> 00:18:01,292
Okay? And-and...
492
00:18:01,293 --> 00:18:03,293
Well, I mean...
the fact that you
493
00:18:03,295 --> 00:18:04,295
married your
best friend
494
00:18:04,296 --> 00:18:06,897
so that you could
adopt Louis is..
495
00:18:06,899 --> 00:18:09,299
actually
very sweet.
496
00:18:09,301 --> 00:18:11,969
So...
497
00:18:14,372 --> 00:18:16,273
...you're not
mad at me?
498
00:18:16,275 --> 00:18:18,742
Hakuna matata.
499
00:18:20,278 --> 00:18:23,113
That's my philosophy.
500
00:18:25,550 --> 00:18:27,851
So...
501
00:18:29,154 --> 00:18:31,188
...can we kiss again?
Yeah.
502
00:18:33,091 --> 00:18:35,169
It's been so long since
I've kissed a man.
503
00:18:35,170 --> 00:18:35,727
Oh...
504
00:18:35,728 --> 00:18:37,895
I wish I could say
the same thing.
505
00:18:38,797 --> 00:18:41,999
Julie, your boobs look
great in that blouse.
506
00:18:42,001 --> 00:18:43,367
I am so jealous.
507
00:18:43,369 --> 00:18:44,802
Thanks to my kids,
508
00:18:44,804 --> 00:18:47,604
mine went from 34B
to 34 "used to be."
509
00:18:47,606 --> 00:18:49,440
I like your boobs.
510
00:18:49,442 --> 00:18:50,274
I don't know.
511
00:18:50,276 --> 00:18:51,508
What do you think, Alan,
512
00:18:51,510 --> 00:18:52,843
should I get 'em done?
513
00:18:52,845 --> 00:18:54,244
Oh, well, I'm no expert.
514
00:18:54,246 --> 00:18:55,412
I-I think they're lovely.
515
00:18:55,414 --> 00:18:56,814
Are you sure?
516
00:18:56,816 --> 00:18:57,948
Oh, my!
517
00:18:57,950 --> 00:18:59,716
You just did that.
518
00:18:59,718 --> 00:19:02,052
Um, you guys, I-I think there's
something I should tell you...
519
00:19:02,054 --> 00:19:03,287
He has nothing
to compare them with.
520
00:19:03,289 --> 00:19:04,488
Here.
521
00:19:07,125 --> 00:19:09,726
You guys are my best friends.
522
00:19:09,728 --> 00:19:10,961
Aw!
Aw!
523
00:19:10,963 --> 00:19:13,030
Okay, okay.
524
00:19:13,032 --> 00:19:15,232
I-I know you haven't
done this in a while,
525
00:19:15,234 --> 00:19:17,201
so I don't want
to go too fast,
526
00:19:17,203 --> 00:19:18,836
but do you want
to go up to my...
527
00:19:18,838 --> 00:19:19,670
Let's go.
528
00:19:19,672 --> 00:19:21,939
Oh.
529
00:19:21,941 --> 00:19:24,741
LOUIS (over walkie-talkie):
Walden?
530
00:19:24,743 --> 00:19:26,310
Can you come here?
531
00:19:27,645 --> 00:19:29,980
He didn't say "over,"
so it doesn't count.
532
00:19:31,249 --> 00:19:32,649
Oh, go check on him.
533
00:19:32,651 --> 00:19:34,017
It's fine.
534
00:19:34,019 --> 00:19:36,086
I've waited for two years,
I can wait a little bit longer.
535
00:19:36,088 --> 00:19:39,022
Thank you.
536
00:19:39,024 --> 00:19:42,025
Oh. Don't start without me.
537
00:19:42,027 --> 00:19:43,727
Or do.
538
00:19:43,729 --> 00:19:46,063
Oh, uh, by the way,
if you want to stay in the mood,
539
00:19:46,065 --> 00:19:48,232
we get all the cartoon channels.
540
00:19:50,535 --> 00:19:52,836
♪ Men. ♪
541
00:20:04,883 --> 00:20:06,550
Walden?
542
00:20:15,860 --> 00:20:17,494
Parenting rule number four:
543
00:20:17,496 --> 00:20:19,596
Sleep is better than sex.
544
00:20:19,598 --> 00:20:21,198
♪ Men. ♪
545
00:20:27,525 --> 00:20:29,926
This is the best night
of my life.
546
00:20:29,928 --> 00:20:32,195
I love you girls.
547
00:20:32,197 --> 00:20:34,931
We should get matching tattoos.
548
00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:36,533
I have a better idea.
549
00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:37,767
Let's go to a strip club!
550
00:20:37,769 --> 00:20:40,337
That is better!
551
00:20:40,339 --> 00:20:42,772
(whooping)
552
00:20:42,774 --> 00:20:45,642
♪ Oh, yes,
it's ladies' night... ♪
553
00:20:47,645 --> 00:20:49,846
This was a great idea.
554
00:20:51,916 --> 00:20:54,884
That is definitely
bigger than fun size.
555
00:20:54,886 --> 00:20:56,386
Make it rain!
556
00:20:56,388 --> 00:20:58,321
Yeah, give him
some money!
557
00:20:59,123 --> 00:21:01,991
Oh, this just keeps
getting better.
558
00:21:06,910 --> 00:21:20,200
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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