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Previously
on Two and a Half Men...
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I'm not gay.
Does Alan know?
3
00:00:05,741 --> 00:00:07,774
Can we kiss again?
Yeah.
4
00:00:07,776 --> 00:00:09,643
Do you want to go up to my...
Let's go.
5
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Oh...
6
00:00:11,313 --> 00:00:14,214
Walden, can you come here?
7
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It's fine.
I-I've waited for two years.
8
00:00:15,884 --> 00:00:17,751
I can wait a little bit longer.
9
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Walden?
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Parenting rule number four:
sleep is better than sex.
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♪ Men. ♪
All right, Louis,
12
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let's go over
the rules again.
13
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We don't talk to strangers.
14
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Don't climb the rock wall alone.
15
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And?
16
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We don't eat anything
we find in the ball pit.
17
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All right, now,
go have fun.
18
00:00:43,611 --> 00:00:44,777
All right, Alan,
19
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let's go over your rules.
20
00:00:46,548 --> 00:00:49,015
Uh, if I find a wallet,
I have to turn it in.
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Uh, no haggling
over the corn dog prices.
22
00:00:52,087 --> 00:00:53,853
And?
23
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:56,756
No standing underneath the moms
24
00:00:56,758 --> 00:00:58,624
on the rock wall.
The rock wall. Yes.
25
00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:01,027
Oh, great.
26
00:01:01,029 --> 00:01:01,928
What?
27
00:01:01,930 --> 00:01:03,129
Laurel's here.
28
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:04,530
Oh.
29
00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:06,299
So go talk to her.
30
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What am I supposed to say?
"I'm sorry about our date.
31
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,136
"It's just that I prefer
sleeping with a six-year-old kid
32
00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,871
to sleeping with you."
33
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Oh, oh, it's okay. I'm-I'm
talking about my own son.
34
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,544
You know,
maybe I'll just avoid her.
35
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:21,046
If I wanted to avoid every woman
I ever embarrassed myself
36
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:22,915
in front of,
I'd never leave the house.
37
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I'd even have to steer clear
of the UPS lady.
38
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,287
She looked in the window
and caught me...
39
00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:30,756
handling my own package.
40
00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,125
You know,
it's not the things that you do,
41
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,494
so much as the way
that you say them.
42
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:36,896
No, no.
43
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It-It's also the things
that you do.
44
00:01:39,166 --> 00:01:41,300
Okay, you know,
I just wish there was a way
45
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:42,668
to, like,
jump over the awkwardness
46
00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:44,737
and get right
into the conversation with her.
47
00:01:44,739 --> 00:01:46,605
You know what, I think I can...
I can help you with that.
48
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:47,806
Laurel!
49
00:01:49,976 --> 00:01:52,011
Look who's here! And awake!
50
00:01:52,013 --> 00:01:53,512
Hey, guys.
51
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:55,848
I'll, uh... I'll leave
you two lovebirds alone.
52
00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:57,216
I'm gonna go check on Louis.
53
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Hey, remember how we used
to have to pretend to be gay?
54
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Crazy, right?
55
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I'm sorry I didn't call.
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And I'm-I'm sorry
57
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I fell asleep instead
of having sex with you. I...
58
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Will you stop
walking by?
59
00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:16,969
I really am sorry.
60
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:18,203
I'm not mad.
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Though you are now in my phone
as Rip Van Walden.
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I'm sorry, what was that?
I just nodded off.
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So, what you been up to?
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Oh, you know, not much. Just...
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00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:31,950
training for a marathon,
66
00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:34,219
developing an international
photo sharing app,
67
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and I'm writing
a young adult novel.
68
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Wow. Really?
69
00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:38,957
No, I have a six-year-old.
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All I do is come here
and eat food on a stick.
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Well, do you want to... maybe...
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schedule another playdate?
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I would love that.
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I mean, Lily would love that.
Oh.
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Louis would also love it.
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Imagine
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all the... games
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that they would play together.
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00:02:57,310 --> 00:03:01,112
Yeah. And all the, uh, toys
they would play with.
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Toys? I-I hope none
of them are...
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a choking hazard.
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Wouldn't matter to me.
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I don't have a gag reflex.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
85
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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
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♪ Two and a Half Men 12x09 ♪
Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
Original Air Date
87
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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♪ Men. ♪
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Morning.
90
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How's the neck?
91
00:03:30,220 --> 00:03:31,853
Not good.
92
00:03:31,855 --> 00:03:33,555
Yeah. Well, I told you not
to stand under that mom
93
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on the rock wall.
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That's why we have rules!
95
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Yeah, well, wearing underwear
on the rock wall
96
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should be one of those.
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Hey, Louis, are you excited
about your playdate with Lily?
98
00:03:47,771 --> 00:03:48,970
I guess.
99
00:03:48,972 --> 00:03:50,638
"I guess."
100
00:03:52,208 --> 00:03:54,542
You got a cute girl
coming over here.
101
00:03:54,544 --> 00:03:56,077
You should be
popping in the...
102
00:03:56,079 --> 00:04:00,248
Kidz Bop Slow Jamz
and putting some Sunny D on ice.
103
00:04:00,250 --> 00:04:02,717
Do I have to share my Legos
with her?
104
00:04:02,719 --> 00:04:06,087
Of course not. It's a playdate.
You're not marrying her.
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Alan.
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Yes, we should share
everything we can--
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our toys, our books, our...
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sausage links.
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00:04:13,797 --> 00:04:15,329
If I could move
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my neck, I'd give you such
a look right now.
111
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The lesson is
that we should all share.
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Okay. I got to poop.
113
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Whoa! Whoa, what are you doing?
114
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Sharing.
115
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No. No, that's taking!
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That's my job in this house!
117
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♪ Men. ♪
118
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So what's the deal?
119
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Pinched nerve?
Slipped disk?
120
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The official diagnosis?
You're old.
121
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Very funny. I'd like
a second opinion.
122
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All right,
you're also out of shape.
123
00:04:46,863 --> 00:04:48,896
Come on, I'm in decent shape
for my age.
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Eh...
125
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Look, Alan, when you get
to be our age,
126
00:04:53,202 --> 00:04:54,535
you get a little more fragile.
127
00:04:54,537 --> 00:04:55,903
You-you don't
bounce back as easily.
128
00:04:55,905 --> 00:04:57,771
The only thing
that bounces back is that belly
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when I poke it.
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Stop it.
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I used to be
in the same boat as you.
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00:05:03,612 --> 00:05:05,112
Then I found
this awesome new gym,
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00:05:05,114 --> 00:05:06,980
put myself
on a regular workout program.
134
00:05:06,982 --> 00:05:09,416
Now I'm in the best shape
of my life.
135
00:05:09,418 --> 00:05:11,018
Surprised you didn't notice.
136
00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:13,120
Oh. Oh, yeah.
You, uh... you look great.
137
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It's too late, Alan.
The damage has been done.
138
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You should come down
and work out with me.
139
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It's, uh, nothing
but hot women in yoga pants
140
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as far as the eye can see.
141
00:05:21,564 --> 00:05:23,730
Sure, it's a little creepy
if you look right at 'em,
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00:05:23,732 --> 00:05:27,034
but, uh, there are mirrors
everywhere.
143
00:05:27,036 --> 00:05:28,669
Yeah. I guess I could break out
144
00:05:28,671 --> 00:05:31,038
the old headband
and leg warmers.
145
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,206
Great. Hey, uh,
since I got you here,
146
00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:35,943
it's, uh... it's been a year
since your last prostate exam.
147
00:05:35,945 --> 00:05:37,377
Oh, no.
148
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:40,280
If it makes you feel any better,
you get a lollipop afterwards.
149
00:05:40,282 --> 00:05:43,350
Well, I've done a lot more
for a lot less.
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00:05:46,287 --> 00:05:49,156
♪ Men. ♪
151
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:54,461
Aw.
Aw.
152
00:05:54,463 --> 00:05:56,129
It's like the eye
of a hurricane.
153
00:05:56,131 --> 00:05:57,731
It's eerily quiet now,
but in an hour
154
00:05:57,733 --> 00:06:00,901
everything will be broken
and wet.
155
00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:04,704
Well, at least I'm not the
only one who falls asleep
156
00:06:04,706 --> 00:06:07,207
when cute girls
are around.
157
00:06:07,209 --> 00:06:10,343
Aw. Thanks so much
for having us.
158
00:06:10,345 --> 00:06:11,611
I'm very impressed
with this spread.
159
00:06:11,613 --> 00:06:14,280
What kind of cheese is this?
160
00:06:14,282 --> 00:06:16,116
Uh...
161
00:06:16,118 --> 00:06:18,184
okay, I have to confess.
162
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They're Lunchables.
163
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That's the yellow cheese,
164
00:06:22,758 --> 00:06:25,859
but I also have the orange
and the white.
165
00:06:25,861 --> 00:06:29,863
No. No, thanks. I'm gonna save
room for the Fruit Roll-Up.
166
00:06:29,865 --> 00:06:31,764
So tell me,
167
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:34,601
how is it that a guy like you
is not already married
168
00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:37,570
to some-- I don't know--
gorgeous swimsuit model?
169
00:06:37,572 --> 00:06:41,374
Okay, you obviously haven't seen
Alan in a Speedo.
170
00:06:41,376 --> 00:06:43,343
I'm-I'm serious.
171
00:06:43,345 --> 00:06:46,245
You're sweet, you're
good-looking, you're successful.
172
00:06:46,247 --> 00:06:48,548
What the hell is wrong with you?
173
00:06:48,550 --> 00:06:51,851
Okay. I've been told...
174
00:06:51,853 --> 00:06:54,654
that I listen too much.
175
00:06:55,823 --> 00:06:57,757
Which is a common problem
176
00:06:57,759 --> 00:07:00,326
among men
whose penises are too large.
177
00:07:02,230 --> 00:07:05,131
Uh, well, I-I also have this...
178
00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:08,634
this teeny, tiny quirk
where, uh,
179
00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:12,238
I screw up relationships as soon
as they start going well.
180
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,840
Oh. That's encouraging.
181
00:07:14,842 --> 00:07:16,842
Oh, oh. No, no, no.
But don't worry, uh,
182
00:07:16,844 --> 00:07:18,678
'cause this isn't going well
at all.
183
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:21,013
Well, I'm glad
to hear you say that
184
00:07:21,015 --> 00:07:24,016
'cause... I was
about to leave.
185
00:07:24,018 --> 00:07:26,952
Oh.
186
00:07:26,954 --> 00:07:28,888
Mmm, okay.
That-that kind of behavior
187
00:07:28,890 --> 00:07:30,523
can get you put in time-out.
188
00:07:30,525 --> 00:07:34,093
Time-outs don't work on me.
189
00:07:34,095 --> 00:07:36,729
I need to be spanked.
190
00:07:41,435 --> 00:07:45,004
Looks like someone needs
to be sent to my room.
191
00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:52,745
Wow. Look at the Lululemons
on her.
192
00:07:53,546 --> 00:07:55,114
Did I tell you
or did I tell you?
193
00:07:55,116 --> 00:07:56,348
Yeah.
Be cool, though.
194
00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:58,617
Getting tagged as a lurker
is a hard label to shake.
195
00:07:58,619 --> 00:08:00,219
So I've heard.
196
00:08:00,221 --> 00:08:01,787
Oh, oh, check
out the redhead.
197
00:08:01,789 --> 00:08:03,522
Her shorts say "Juicy."
198
00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:05,123
If our garments
are being honest,
199
00:08:05,125 --> 00:08:07,659
mine would say "Aroused."
200
00:08:07,661 --> 00:08:10,250
Ooh, look at the blonde
on the yoga ball.
201
00:08:10,251 --> 00:08:13,098
Mmm, bouncy, bouncy,
bouncy...
202
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:14,700
Lyndsey?
203
00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:16,101
Alan.
204
00:08:16,103 --> 00:08:17,569
How did I not recognize her?
205
00:08:17,571 --> 00:08:19,838
I've got to look
at more faces.
206
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,440
I didn't know
you were a member here.
207
00:08:22,208 --> 00:08:23,342
Herb.
208
00:08:23,344 --> 00:08:25,077
I see they've reinstated
your membership.
209
00:08:25,079 --> 00:08:27,212
The appeals process
was arduous,
210
00:08:27,214 --> 00:08:30,115
but, ultimately,
justice was served.
211
00:08:30,117 --> 00:08:31,883
So, uh, how's everything?
212
00:08:31,885 --> 00:08:33,351
Good. I'm sober again.
213
00:08:33,353 --> 00:08:34,853
I traded booze for exercise.
214
00:08:34,855 --> 00:08:37,989
You know, whenever I want a
drink, I come here instead.
215
00:08:37,991 --> 00:08:40,659
Good thing this place
is open 24 hours.
216
00:08:40,661 --> 00:08:43,061
Well, I'm really happy for you.
You look great.
217
00:08:43,930 --> 00:08:45,330
I also think
you look great.
218
00:08:45,332 --> 00:08:47,232
In fact,
as a medical professional,
219
00:08:47,234 --> 00:08:49,434
my opinion is "wowza."
220
00:08:49,436 --> 00:08:51,703
Thanks. Anyway, I got to go.
221
00:08:51,705 --> 00:08:53,338
It's time for my spin class.
222
00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:55,440
Oh, so, uh...
so you went from a-a room
223
00:08:55,442 --> 00:08:58,376
that was spinning
to a room for spinning.
224
00:08:59,579 --> 00:09:01,279
You know... glug,
glug, glug, glug.
225
00:09:05,986 --> 00:09:07,185
Anyway, great seeing you.
226
00:09:07,187 --> 00:09:08,920
Yeah.
227
00:09:08,922 --> 00:09:11,523
I missed this.
228
00:09:11,525 --> 00:09:12,957
Wow, she looks amazing.
229
00:09:12,959 --> 00:09:14,759
Did you see how flat
her stomach is?
230
00:09:14,761 --> 00:09:16,594
She's always had great abs.
All that dry heaving
231
00:09:16,596 --> 00:09:18,196
gives you a hell
of a six-pack.
232
00:09:18,198 --> 00:09:20,198
So, uh, you two are over?
233
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,667
Oh, yeah. You know,
it's complicated with me
234
00:09:22,669 --> 00:09:24,535
and Walden and Louis.
Plus, you know, I don't know
235
00:09:24,537 --> 00:09:27,171
that Lyndsey and I were
ever really good for each other.
236
00:09:27,173 --> 00:09:29,207
Kind of like me and lactose.
237
00:09:29,209 --> 00:09:30,708
That's too bad.
Mmm.
238
00:09:30,710 --> 00:09:32,343
Mind if I take a crack at her?
239
00:09:32,345 --> 00:09:33,811
What?
240
00:09:33,813 --> 00:09:35,046
You two aren't together anymore.
241
00:09:35,048 --> 00:09:39,484
Maybe the cure for what ails her
is a little Herb-Al essence.
242
00:09:39,486 --> 00:09:41,786
Dude, you already married
my ex-wife,
243
00:09:41,788 --> 00:09:43,921
you moved into my house,
and earlier today
244
00:09:43,923 --> 00:09:45,890
you had your finger halfway
to my liver.
245
00:09:46,892 --> 00:09:48,693
Maybe we share enough as it is.
246
00:09:48,695 --> 00:09:50,795
Okay, I get it. Bro code.
247
00:09:50,797 --> 00:09:52,163
Thank you.
248
00:09:52,165 --> 00:09:56,367
Just so you know, that exam
was no picnic for me, either.
249
00:10:00,973 --> 00:10:02,606
Did you hear that?
250
00:10:02,608 --> 00:10:04,809
I think it was the
kids downstairs.
251
00:10:04,811 --> 00:10:06,644
What kids?
252
00:10:06,646 --> 00:10:08,079
Oh.
253
00:10:08,081 --> 00:10:10,314
You're right.
It was probably nothing.
254
00:10:14,719 --> 00:10:17,788
Oh, wait. What if one of them
walks in on us?
255
00:10:17,790 --> 00:10:19,423
I had a hard enough time
explaining
256
00:10:19,425 --> 00:10:20,991
where milk comes from.
257
00:10:20,993 --> 00:10:23,160
Do you want to lock the door?
258
00:10:23,162 --> 00:10:25,362
Yes.
259
00:10:30,703 --> 00:10:33,771
Mmm. Oh, no, no, no.
260
00:10:33,773 --> 00:10:35,072
What if there's an emergency?
261
00:10:35,074 --> 00:10:36,473
What if they need
to come get us?
262
00:10:36,475 --> 00:10:38,509
What-what... what if
there's a burglar or a fire,
263
00:10:38,511 --> 00:10:41,044
or a burglar who sets a fire
as a distraction?
264
00:10:41,046 --> 00:10:42,346
Oh, no, no.
265
00:10:43,416 --> 00:10:45,849
Not on my watch!
266
00:10:45,851 --> 00:10:47,885
Oh, my God, you're adorable.
267
00:10:47,887 --> 00:10:50,120
But if you can't stop worrying
all the time,
268
00:10:50,122 --> 00:10:52,422
you're never gonna
have sex again.
269
00:10:52,424 --> 00:10:54,625
Oh, my God.
270
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,362
I'm never gonna have sex again.
271
00:10:58,364 --> 00:11:00,731
You're used
to single-people sex.
272
00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:04,067
That's a luxurious four-course
meal at a fine restaurant.
273
00:11:04,069 --> 00:11:06,570
Parent sex is a drive-through.
274
00:11:06,572 --> 00:11:08,038
Get in, get out,
275
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:09,552
hope you don't get anything
on your shirt.
276
00:11:09,576 --> 00:11:10,375
Oh.
277
00:11:10,376 --> 00:11:13,210
Looks like your order
just got supersized.
278
00:11:18,183 --> 00:11:19,783
Walden?
279
00:11:19,785 --> 00:11:22,185
Yes! Coming! Right there!
280
00:11:22,187 --> 00:11:24,254
Oh, God, are you okay?
281
00:11:24,256 --> 00:11:28,024
I'm fine. Good news is,
you finally got my bra off.
282
00:11:28,026 --> 00:11:30,427
♪ Men. ♪
283
00:11:36,523 --> 00:11:38,024
♪ Men. ♪
284
00:11:38,026 --> 00:11:39,525
Morning.
285
00:11:39,527 --> 00:11:41,060
Morning. Where's Louis?
286
00:11:41,062 --> 00:11:42,528
I sent him to take a bath.
287
00:11:42,530 --> 00:11:45,398
Oh, by the way, if you want
syrup on your French toast,
288
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,066
catch him before
he hits the water.
289
00:11:47,068 --> 00:11:48,501
No. No French toast for me.
290
00:11:48,503 --> 00:11:50,203
I'm hitting the gym
a little later.
291
00:11:50,205 --> 00:11:54,173
Oh, uh, by the way,
the beach is that way.
292
00:11:55,209 --> 00:11:56,876
Oh, look at that.
293
00:11:56,878 --> 00:12:00,079
Uh, my fitness band says
that my pulse rate is 87.
294
00:12:00,081 --> 00:12:02,949
Tell me when it
gets to zero.
295
00:12:02,951 --> 00:12:04,450
Yeah, joke all you want,
296
00:12:04,452 --> 00:12:06,953
but this little gizmo tracks
all my physical activity.
297
00:12:06,955 --> 00:12:10,156
So far today, I have burned...
400 calories.
298
00:12:10,158 --> 00:12:11,891
Oh, wow. Did you go for a run?
299
00:12:11,893 --> 00:12:13,426
Nope, never left my bed.
300
00:12:13,428 --> 00:12:15,628
Oh, come on!
301
00:12:15,630 --> 00:12:18,297
So, how was your playdate
with Laurel?
302
00:12:18,299 --> 00:12:21,567
Okay, let-let me...
let me ask you guys something.
303
00:12:21,569 --> 00:12:24,703
When you had young kids, and
they were still in the house,
304
00:12:24,705 --> 00:12:28,274
did you have a hard time,
like... you know...
305
00:12:28,276 --> 00:12:31,844
♪ Bow chicka wow wow? ♪
306
00:12:31,846 --> 00:12:35,481
Oh. Oh, well, Jake walked in on
Judith and me countless times.
307
00:12:35,483 --> 00:12:37,983
Eventually, we stopped
having sex altogether.
308
00:12:39,252 --> 00:12:41,286
Those aren't related.
309
00:12:41,288 --> 00:12:43,022
I just...
I don't know what to do.
310
00:12:43,024 --> 00:12:46,225
It's like, Louis is stealing
your sausage and blocking mine.
311
00:12:46,227 --> 00:12:48,293
Well, sooner or later,
you just get over it.
312
00:12:48,295 --> 00:12:50,629
Uh, but in the meantime,
why don't you take her out
313
00:12:50,631 --> 00:12:52,364
for a romantic night to a hotel?
314
00:12:52,366 --> 00:12:55,000
Oh. I like that.
315
00:12:55,002 --> 00:12:57,136
Plus, people do all kinds
of things in hotels
316
00:12:57,138 --> 00:12:58,270
they don't do at home.
317
00:12:58,272 --> 00:13:01,006
Like pay eight dollars
for peanuts.
318
00:13:01,008 --> 00:13:04,209
I used to love
to have sex in hotel rooms.
319
00:13:04,211 --> 00:13:06,545
Then they caught me,
and they fired me.
320
00:13:09,148 --> 00:13:11,550
♪ Men. ♪
321
00:13:19,726 --> 00:13:22,127
Do you want to work in?
322
00:13:22,129 --> 00:13:23,328
What?
323
00:13:24,263 --> 00:13:25,964
Oh, oh, uh, work in, yeah.
324
00:13:25,966 --> 00:13:27,399
Uh, definitely want to work in.
325
00:13:27,401 --> 00:13:29,134
Why else would I be
sitting here?
326
00:13:29,136 --> 00:13:31,403
Thanks.
No problem.
327
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:36,274
Just, uh, show you
the proper technique.
328
00:13:36,276 --> 00:13:38,844
Mm.
329
00:13:38,846 --> 00:13:40,812
Here we go.
330
00:13:46,953 --> 00:13:48,586
Aah! Oh, aah.
331
00:13:48,588 --> 00:13:50,455
Bum shoulder. Yeah.
332
00:13:51,390 --> 00:13:53,625
Got it the last Iron Man.
333
00:13:53,627 --> 00:13:56,127
The movie, not the triathlon.
334
00:13:56,129 --> 00:13:58,596
I slipped in the lobby
on some artificial butter.
335
00:13:58,598 --> 00:13:59,731
Oh.
336
00:13:59,755 --> 00:14:01,809
There we go,
lighten the load, and, uh...
337
00:14:02,335 --> 00:14:03,768
One time, here we go.
338
00:14:12,812 --> 00:14:14,612
Oh, God!
339
00:14:17,416 --> 00:14:19,884
Nice meeting you!
340
00:14:20,719 --> 00:14:21,986
Hey, Alan.
341
00:14:21,988 --> 00:14:23,554
Oh. Oh, hey,
Lyndsey. Oh, hey.
342
00:14:23,556 --> 00:14:24,789
Yeah, I was just, uh...
343
00:14:24,791 --> 00:14:26,524
I was just doing the,
uh, the fly machine.
344
00:14:26,526 --> 00:14:28,526
You know, working out.
345
00:14:28,528 --> 00:14:30,228
You're really committing
to this workout thing.
346
00:14:30,230 --> 00:14:31,496
I'm impressed.
347
00:14:31,498 --> 00:14:34,065
I know. I haven't been anyplace
two days in a row
348
00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:36,100
since Jersey Boys was touring.
349
00:14:36,102 --> 00:14:39,003
Where's Herb?
Uh, in the office.
350
00:14:39,005 --> 00:14:41,272
He got all excited about
an outbreak of pinkeye.
351
00:14:41,274 --> 00:14:43,908
When kids see pink,
Herb sees green.
352
00:14:43,910 --> 00:14:45,142
Well, tell him I said "hi."
353
00:14:45,144 --> 00:14:46,210
Oh, I don't know
354
00:14:46,212 --> 00:14:47,878
if that's such
a great idea.
355
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:48,913
What do you mean?
356
00:14:48,915 --> 00:14:50,514
Well, get this.
357
00:14:50,516 --> 00:14:52,350
Uh, after we saw you
the other day,
358
00:14:52,352 --> 00:14:55,453
he wanted to know
if it was okay to ask you out.
359
00:14:55,455 --> 00:14:57,321
But don't worry. I told him no.
360
00:14:57,323 --> 00:14:59,790
What?
361
00:14:59,792 --> 00:15:02,193
You have no right
to decide who I go out with.
362
00:15:02,195 --> 00:15:04,161
Oh, come on, Lyndsey.
I mean, how would you feel
363
00:15:04,163 --> 00:15:06,430
if one of your friends wanted
to go out with me?
364
00:15:06,432 --> 00:15:10,668
Shocked, stunned,
like I need new friends.
365
00:15:10,670 --> 00:15:12,336
Look, I am just trying to help.
366
00:15:12,338 --> 00:15:13,571
You just got sober.
367
00:15:13,573 --> 00:15:15,406
I mean, before you move
onto somebody else,
368
00:15:15,408 --> 00:15:17,107
you should probably
get over your breakup
369
00:15:17,109 --> 00:15:18,475
with Captain Morgan.
370
00:15:18,477 --> 00:15:19,777
Are you freaking kidding me?!
371
00:15:19,779 --> 00:15:22,413
If I want to go out with Herb,
it is none of your business.
372
00:15:22,415 --> 00:15:24,748
In fact, nothing I do
is any of your business!
373
00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:26,884
Just stay the hell
out of my life!
374
00:15:30,121 --> 00:15:31,955
Roid rage.
375
00:15:33,959 --> 00:15:36,126
Phew.
376
00:15:38,129 --> 00:15:40,197
♪ Men. ♪
377
00:15:40,199 --> 00:15:43,267
Okay.
378
00:15:43,269 --> 00:15:46,069
This was officially
a great idea.
379
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:48,172
Did you like the way
I checked us in?
380
00:15:48,174 --> 00:15:50,807
Mr. and Mrs. R. Doinit?
381
00:15:50,809 --> 00:15:53,377
Um, I like to go
by my maiden name--
382
00:15:53,379 --> 00:15:55,045
Gettin' Some.
383
00:15:55,047 --> 00:15:57,214
Hey, check this out.
384
00:15:59,618 --> 00:16:02,653
I just walked across the floor
without stepping on a Lego.
385
00:16:04,022 --> 00:16:05,722
Look, there's chocolate
on the pillows,
386
00:16:05,724 --> 00:16:07,791
and it's not even in the shape
of a handprint.
387
00:16:07,793 --> 00:16:10,427
Oh. Get over here, woman.
Uh-uh.
388
00:16:10,429 --> 00:16:12,462
No, no. I've got
a surprise for you.
389
00:16:12,464 --> 00:16:13,864
A surprise?
390
00:16:13,866 --> 00:16:15,398
Mm-hmm.
Yay! What is it?
391
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,867
Oh, I'll give you a hint.
392
00:16:16,869 --> 00:16:22,505
It's lacy, it's new, and you get
to bite the tags off.
393
00:16:22,507 --> 00:16:24,641
If it's big enough
to have tags on it,
394
00:16:24,643 --> 00:16:25,942
I already don't like it.
395
00:16:27,044 --> 00:16:29,679
♪ Men. ♪
396
00:16:32,317 --> 00:16:35,518
Alan, what are you doing here?
397
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,254
Well, I felt bad about earlier,
and I wanted to apologize.
398
00:16:38,256 --> 00:16:39,522
These are for you.
399
00:16:39,524 --> 00:16:41,691
For me, huh?
400
00:16:43,694 --> 00:16:46,429
"Mr. Schmidt, thank you so much
for your generous donation
401
00:16:46,431 --> 00:16:48,031
to the children's hospital."
402
00:16:48,033 --> 00:16:50,700
Um, I-I did not see that.
403
00:16:51,869 --> 00:16:53,803
Is that the pizza guy?
404
00:16:57,908 --> 00:16:59,175
Herb?
405
00:16:59,177 --> 00:17:00,610
Alan, what are you doing here?
406
00:17:00,612 --> 00:17:03,746
What are you doing here, and...
and why are you wearing my robe?
407
00:17:03,748 --> 00:17:06,482
I'll let you guys talk.
408
00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:09,919
Alan, you showing up here
is the second best thing
409
00:17:09,921 --> 00:17:12,922
that's happened to me today.
410
00:17:14,892 --> 00:17:16,425
What the hell, Herb?
411
00:17:16,427 --> 00:17:19,095
Believe me, I had no intention
of going behind your back,
412
00:17:19,097 --> 00:17:21,497
but out of nowhere, Lyndsey
invited me over for dinner,
413
00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,266
and I thought,
"What's the harm?"
414
00:17:23,268 --> 00:17:24,734
Well, then, dinner
turned into dessert,
415
00:17:24,736 --> 00:17:28,938
and dessert turned into,
well, sex with Lyndsey.
416
00:17:28,940 --> 00:17:30,539
This hurts, Herb.
417
00:17:30,541 --> 00:17:32,208
Yesterday you were
tickling my prostate,
418
00:17:32,210 --> 00:17:34,276
and today you're
stabbing me in the back.
419
00:17:34,278 --> 00:17:35,711
Hey, it's your fault.
420
00:17:35,713 --> 00:17:37,012
You made me forbidden fruit.
421
00:17:37,014 --> 00:17:42,051
I was off-limits,
like dancing in Footloose.
422
00:17:42,053 --> 00:17:44,186
Look, I'm sorry
it happened like this.
423
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,622
And, well, if you want me
to stop seeing her,
424
00:17:46,624 --> 00:17:48,557
just say the word,
and it's over.
425
00:17:48,559 --> 00:17:49,792
Herb?
426
00:17:49,794 --> 00:17:51,227
Well, you had your chance.
427
00:17:58,635 --> 00:18:01,070
What do you think?
428
00:18:01,072 --> 00:18:02,905
It's horrible. Take it off.
429
00:18:05,041 --> 00:18:07,676
Oh!
Ooh!
430
00:18:10,948 --> 00:18:13,215
No!
431
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,616
It's okay. Get it.
432
00:18:17,987 --> 00:18:19,688
Okay, babysitter wants to know
433
00:18:19,690 --> 00:18:21,883
if Lily can have ice cream
for dessert.
434
00:18:22,693 --> 00:18:26,128
"Don't care. Getting laid."
435
00:18:27,631 --> 00:18:29,164
No, I just wrote "Yes."
436
00:18:30,601 --> 00:18:33,669
Oh, hey, you know, next time, we
should just get one babysitter,
437
00:18:33,671 --> 00:18:36,972
and then Louis can sleep
over with Lily at my house,
438
00:18:36,974 --> 00:18:40,042
and I can sleep over
with you at your house.
439
00:18:40,044 --> 00:18:42,210
Yeah, maybe.
440
00:18:43,212 --> 00:18:45,080
Wait, wait,
whoa, hold on.
441
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,516
Do you not want there
to be a next time?
442
00:18:47,518 --> 00:18:49,785
I mean, please
reserve your judgment
443
00:18:49,787 --> 00:18:51,353
until after the
first time.
444
00:18:51,355 --> 00:18:53,255
I rarely
445
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:56,424
disappoint a woman sexually
before we have sex.
446
00:18:56,426 --> 00:19:00,662
No, it's just...
all kids have their differences.
447
00:19:00,664 --> 00:19:03,899
But I don't want to talk
about Louis and Lily right now.
448
00:19:03,901 --> 00:19:06,134
In fact, I don't want
to talk at all.
449
00:19:06,136 --> 00:19:08,970
I got better things
to do with my mouth.
450
00:19:10,239 --> 00:19:12,073
Wait a second.
Wait a second. Hold on.
451
00:19:12,075 --> 00:19:14,142
Wait. Louis and Lily
don't get along?
452
00:19:14,144 --> 00:19:15,443
Well, you know how kids are.
453
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,579
One week, they like each other;
the next, they don't.
454
00:19:17,581 --> 00:19:19,647
So Louis doesn't like to share.
455
00:19:19,649 --> 00:19:21,383
Lucky for you, I do.
456
00:19:21,385 --> 00:19:23,718
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
457
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:25,420
Louis does not have
a problem sharing.
458
00:19:25,422 --> 00:19:29,190
In fact, I just talked to him
specifically about sharing.
459
00:19:29,192 --> 00:19:32,427
I'm sorry. Lily must
have made it up.
460
00:19:32,429 --> 00:19:34,829
That's probably it. Okay.
461
00:19:34,831 --> 00:19:36,431
Wait a second.
462
00:19:36,433 --> 00:19:39,200
So you're okay
with saying that Lily's a liar,
463
00:19:39,202 --> 00:19:41,169
but you can't admit
that Louis has issues?
464
00:19:41,171 --> 00:19:43,204
Oh. Okay, hold on.
465
00:19:43,206 --> 00:19:45,940
I think I would know
if my son has issues.
466
00:19:45,942 --> 00:19:47,342
Right, 'cause
you've been a parent
467
00:19:47,344 --> 00:19:48,676
for all of, what, two weeks?
468
00:19:48,678 --> 00:19:51,846
Two and a half.
469
00:19:51,848 --> 00:19:53,548
And fancy you
lecturing me.
470
00:19:53,550 --> 00:19:55,283
The mother of
Lily the biter.
471
00:19:55,285 --> 00:19:57,151
What? Lily's not a biter.
472
00:19:57,153 --> 00:19:59,821
All the other parents
call her "Lily-goat."
473
00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,390
You know what?
This was a bad idea.
474
00:20:02,392 --> 00:20:03,991
Oh, yeah, it was...
475
00:20:03,993 --> 00:20:06,360
baa-aa-aa-aa-aad.
476
00:20:06,362 --> 00:20:08,496
That was a sheep.
477
00:20:09,665 --> 00:20:12,099
And if this is how
you talk to women in bed,
478
00:20:12,101 --> 00:20:14,135
then no wonder
you had to marry Alan.
479
00:20:14,137 --> 00:20:17,605
You will leave my husband
out of this!
480
00:20:17,607 --> 00:20:19,874
You don't even know
what you're missing.
481
00:20:19,876 --> 00:20:22,676
You were about to have
the hottest sex of your life!
482
00:20:22,678 --> 00:20:24,111
Oh, oh, easy for you to say
483
00:20:24,113 --> 00:20:25,913
since you don't have
to back it up.
484
00:20:25,915 --> 00:20:28,282
Oh, you want me to back it up?!
'Cause I'll back it up!
485
00:20:28,284 --> 00:20:30,284
Yeah, back it on up!
486
00:20:30,286 --> 00:20:31,585
Oh, what, are we gonna have sex?
487
00:20:31,587 --> 00:20:33,521
Shut up!
Oh...
488
00:20:35,057 --> 00:20:37,458
Okay, I see where Lily
gets her biting.
489
00:20:45,487 --> 00:20:47,021
♪ Men. ♪
490
00:20:47,023 --> 00:20:50,057
Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.
491
00:20:51,728 --> 00:20:55,563
Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.
492
00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:01,592
Boy, I was angrier
than I thought.
493
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:10,263
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net