1
00:00:00,632 --> 00:00:02,381
Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
2
00:00:02,381 --> 00:00:03,747
Yeah, I see hundreds
of potential parents,
3
00:00:03,749 --> 00:00:05,115
but you two are
different somehow.
4
00:00:05,117 --> 00:00:06,583
I know we can be
good parents.
5
00:00:06,585 --> 00:00:08,452
It is my job to be
a hundred percent sure
6
00:00:08,454 --> 00:00:09,520
before I place a child.
7
00:00:09,522 --> 00:00:11,622
We are not believable
as a loving couple,
8
00:00:11,624 --> 00:00:14,424
and I think that's why Ms.
McMartin wasn't sure about us.
9
00:00:14,426 --> 00:00:17,828
All right, yeah.
10
00:00:17,830 --> 00:00:20,297
We do that in front of Ms.
McMartin, we'll get ten babies.
11
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♪ Men. ♪
12
00:00:23,469 --> 00:00:26,170
Whew, that was fun.
Whew.
13
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That was like
a roller coaster.
14
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Yeah, we went up,
we went down.
15
00:00:32,111 --> 00:00:34,545
There was the
loop-de-loop.
16
00:00:34,547 --> 00:00:36,680
Yeah, they-they say you want
to sit in the front,
17
00:00:36,682 --> 00:00:38,682
but I had a great time
in the back.
18
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Yeah, you know, I'm not sure
about that picture
19
00:00:40,686 --> 00:00:41,819
we took at the end.
20
00:00:41,821 --> 00:00:43,453
I think I was making
a funny face.
21
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Yeah.
22
00:00:45,825 --> 00:00:48,659
Hey, have you ever gotten busy
in a public place,
23
00:00:48,661 --> 00:00:50,661
like a theme park,
before?
24
00:00:50,663 --> 00:00:53,297
I mean, uh, there was one
time in the Chicago airport.
25
00:00:53,299 --> 00:00:56,366
I met this girl
on a long layover.
26
00:00:56,368 --> 00:01:00,337
Let's just say my bag was
never left unattended.
27
00:01:00,339 --> 00:01:02,706
What about you?
28
00:01:02,708 --> 00:01:06,743
Well, if you get me
a hot cup of coffee,
29
00:01:06,745 --> 00:01:10,547
I'll, uh, tell you about my high
school trip to Mount Rushmore.
30
00:01:10,549 --> 00:01:13,584
Okay, please tell me it
doesn't involve four old guys
31
00:01:13,586 --> 00:01:15,485
on top of a mountain.
32
00:01:15,487 --> 00:01:18,755
I went to
an all-girls school.
33
00:01:18,757 --> 00:01:20,891
Coffee, coming up!
34
00:01:22,995 --> 00:01:25,495
Oh, hey.
Hey.
35
00:01:25,497 --> 00:01:27,097
Okay, I don't know
what was going on
36
00:01:27,099 --> 00:01:28,498
up there with
Laurel, but...
37
00:01:32,538 --> 00:01:35,572
Rich, handsome and a master
of the boudoir.
38
00:01:35,574 --> 00:01:38,075
You're everything
I think I am when I'm drunk.
39
00:01:38,077 --> 00:01:39,409
What can I say?
40
00:01:39,411 --> 00:01:42,246
I got a magical tongue, and
I can breathe through my ears.
41
00:01:43,682 --> 00:01:46,683
Were you just sitting down here,
listening to Laurel and me?
42
00:01:46,685 --> 00:01:49,386
No, that would be sad.
43
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I was also couponing.
44
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Hey.
45
00:01:56,629 --> 00:01:58,228
How's my favorite
couple?
46
00:01:58,230 --> 00:02:01,231
My bros without hos.
47
00:02:01,233 --> 00:02:03,267
Ms. McMartin, uh...
48
00:02:03,269 --> 00:02:04,601
What are you doing here?
49
00:02:04,603 --> 00:02:07,004
Well, I told you guys
the state requires
50
00:02:07,006 --> 00:02:10,674
a couple surprise inspections to
check in on Louis's home life.
51
00:02:10,676 --> 00:02:11,909
Surprise!
52
00:02:12,978 --> 00:02:14,711
I am definitely
surprised.
53
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Clearly...
Captain Underpants.
54
00:02:16,448 --> 00:02:17,614
Oh.
55
00:02:17,616 --> 00:02:19,449
Right, yeah, well,
I wasn't expect...
56
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You know, Louis isn't here; he's
actually, he's at a sleepover.
57
00:02:22,721 --> 00:02:25,756
So, I guess you came all this
way to see me in my Skivvies.
58
00:02:27,092 --> 00:02:29,293
Worth the trip in my book.
59
00:02:32,131 --> 00:02:33,430
Instagram.
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Hashtag: he's bringing
booty back.
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Thanks, honey.
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Uh, well, it was, uh,
it was good to see you.
63
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Oh, actually, I can just
talk to you guys.
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Great, even better.
65
00:02:43,909 --> 00:02:45,108
Come on in.
66
00:02:45,110 --> 00:02:46,476
Uh, you know,
I'm gonna run upstairs
67
00:02:46,478 --> 00:02:47,511
and put on some pants.
68
00:02:47,513 --> 00:02:48,946
Walden?
69
00:02:51,216 --> 00:02:52,149
Who was that?
70
00:02:52,151 --> 00:02:54,418
Oh, that was my pants.
71
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Here I come, pants!
72
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Stay there!
73
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What are you talking about?
74
00:02:59,325 --> 00:03:01,091
Oh, hi. Sorry.
75
00:03:01,093 --> 00:03:02,526
What's going on?
76
00:03:02,528 --> 00:03:03,994
Uh...
77
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You're cheating
on me?!
78
00:03:08,233 --> 00:03:10,267
I want half!
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
80
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♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
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♪ Two and a Half Men 12x10 ♪
Here I Come, Pants!
Original Air Date on January
82
00:03:19,196 --> 00:03:24,196
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
83
00:03:24,207 --> 00:03:26,308
♪ Men. ♪
84
00:03:26,310 --> 00:03:27,642
You lied to me.
85
00:03:27,644 --> 00:03:30,011
I never would have
placed Louis here had I known
86
00:03:30,013 --> 00:03:31,546
you guys weren't
actually a couple.
87
00:03:31,548 --> 00:03:33,882
I can explain.
Oh, go ahead, I'd love to hear it.
88
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She's my sister.
89
00:03:36,753 --> 00:03:39,487
Where was that
five minutes ago?
90
00:03:39,489 --> 00:03:42,157
There's no explanation
for what you did.
91
00:03:42,159 --> 00:03:43,758
I may have to remove Louis.
92
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,093
Okay, I-I know
this looks bad,
93
00:03:45,095 --> 00:03:46,761
but our hearts were
in the right place.
94
00:03:46,763 --> 00:03:48,730
Yeah, even if our
penises weren't.
95
00:03:50,534 --> 00:03:51,766
Th-The only thing
that we're guilty of
96
00:03:51,768 --> 00:03:52,934
is putting on
a little show.
97
00:03:52,936 --> 00:03:54,436
A little show?
98
00:03:54,438 --> 00:03:56,671
Every time I see this one,
he acts like he's auditioning
99
00:03:56,673 --> 00:03:57,706
to host the Tonys.
100
00:03:57,708 --> 00:04:00,241
N-No, that's just Alan.
101
00:04:01,778 --> 00:04:02,677
Yeah, i-it's true.
102
00:04:02,679 --> 00:04:04,012
Uh, name any musical,
anybody.
103
00:04:04,014 --> 00:04:05,280
Okay, uh, West Side Story.
104
00:04:05,282 --> 00:04:06,982
♪ I like to be
in America ♪
105
00:04:06,984 --> 00:04:08,450
♪ Okay by me in America ♪
106
00:04:08,452 --> 00:04:09,851
♪ Everything free
in America... ♪
107
00:04:09,853 --> 00:04:11,720
Okay, stop.
108
00:04:13,857 --> 00:04:16,458
Well, excuse me,
Officer Krupke.
109
00:04:16,460 --> 00:04:18,226
Listen, we may
not be gay,
110
00:04:18,228 --> 00:04:19,928
but we are definitely
a stable couple.
111
00:04:19,930 --> 00:04:21,896
Yeah, until the adoption
is final,
112
00:04:21,898 --> 00:04:23,298
and then you'll,
what, get divorced?
113
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:24,332
Are you kidding me?
114
00:04:24,334 --> 00:04:25,633
If this one
has his way,
115
00:04:25,635 --> 00:04:27,669
he's gonna be with me
for the rest of my life.
116
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Longer.
117
00:04:28,905 --> 00:04:30,905
I bought us side-by-side
cemetery plots.
118
00:04:30,907 --> 00:04:32,140
No, he's not kidding.
119
00:04:32,142 --> 00:04:34,142
And he gave it to
me for my birthday,
120
00:04:34,144 --> 00:04:35,510
and I pretended
to like it,
121
00:04:35,512 --> 00:04:37,545
because that's what
loving couples do.
122
00:04:38,715 --> 00:04:40,115
You pretended to like it?
123
00:04:40,117 --> 00:04:41,549
See that?
See, that's real.
124
00:04:41,551 --> 00:04:44,219
And I'm gonna hear about it
for the rest of the night.
125
00:04:45,455 --> 00:04:46,788
Y-You want to take Louis
away from us
126
00:04:46,790 --> 00:04:47,990
just because we don't
have sex?
127
00:04:47,991 --> 00:04:49,290
I mean, I can
honestly tell you
128
00:04:49,292 --> 00:04:50,992
that we have
as much sex as I had
129
00:04:50,994 --> 00:04:52,227
in either of
my previous marriages.
130
00:04:52,229 --> 00:04:53,762
None of that matters.
131
00:04:53,764 --> 00:04:55,630
N-No, of course
it matters.
132
00:04:55,632 --> 00:04:57,265
Because we're
not lying.
133
00:04:57,267 --> 00:04:59,934
We are best friends,
and we are married.
134
00:04:59,936 --> 00:05:01,603
And we do love
each other.
135
00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:04,039
And I'm sorry, but just, you
know, how many people can say
136
00:05:04,041 --> 00:05:06,374
that they are married
to their best friend?
137
00:05:07,611 --> 00:05:10,278
Alan Harper-Schmidt can.
138
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,748
My job is to do what's in
the best interest of the child.
139
00:05:13,750 --> 00:05:15,550
Now I have to reevaluate
what that is.
140
00:05:15,552 --> 00:05:16,785
But him living here...
141
00:05:16,787 --> 00:05:18,319
No, I don't want to hear
anything else from you guys.
142
00:05:18,321 --> 00:05:19,554
I'll be in touch.
143
00:05:21,792 --> 00:05:23,725
I can't lose this kid.
144
00:05:23,727 --> 00:05:26,161
D-Don't go there.
Nothing's been decided yet.
145
00:05:26,163 --> 00:05:27,862
Well, other than
the fact
146
00:05:27,864 --> 00:05:30,765
that you don't want
to be buried next to me.
147
00:05:30,767 --> 00:05:33,068
This is a disaster.
148
00:05:33,070 --> 00:05:34,969
We're gonna lose everything
that we worked for
149
00:05:34,971 --> 00:05:36,971
over one stupid mistake.
150
00:05:36,973 --> 00:05:39,140
It's my chiropractic license
all over again.
151
00:05:41,244 --> 00:05:43,478
Your hand slips
into one butt crack.
152
00:05:45,182 --> 00:05:47,282
♪ Men. ♪
153
00:05:47,284 --> 00:05:49,217
What you drawing?
154
00:05:49,219 --> 00:05:50,718
It's us.
We're the Justice League.
155
00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:52,053
You're Batman.
156
00:05:52,055 --> 00:05:53,188
I'm Batman?
157
00:05:53,190 --> 00:05:54,255
I mean...
158
00:05:54,257 --> 00:05:55,790
I'm Batman.
159
00:05:56,993 --> 00:05:58,059
Is that Superman?
160
00:05:58,061 --> 00:05:59,061
That's me.
161
00:05:59,062 --> 00:06:00,328
Oh, and, uh,
there's Wonder Woman.
162
00:06:00,330 --> 00:06:01,330
Is that Berta?
163
00:06:01,331 --> 00:06:02,530
That's you.
164
00:06:04,134 --> 00:06:06,701
Oh, well, that's, uh, a little
inaccurate, don't you think?
165
00:06:06,703 --> 00:06:09,170
I mean, uh, I wish
I had those shoulders.
166
00:06:10,006 --> 00:06:11,673
And, uh, and
who's that?
167
00:06:11,675 --> 00:06:13,708
That's Timothy; he's Aquaman.
168
00:06:13,710 --> 00:06:15,143
Why can't I be Aquaman?
169
00:06:15,145 --> 00:06:18,146
Because Aquaman can
keep himself afloat.
170
00:06:19,416 --> 00:06:21,082
I drew it
'cause we're a team now.
171
00:06:21,084 --> 00:06:22,784
That's right.
172
00:06:22,786 --> 00:06:24,786
We're a team
that's never gonna break up.
173
00:06:24,788 --> 00:06:28,356
Stay strong,
Wonder Woman.
174
00:06:28,358 --> 00:06:29,891
Can we go to the park?
175
00:06:29,893 --> 00:06:31,659
I don't see why not.
176
00:06:31,661 --> 00:06:33,695
Yes, we have to live
in the moment.
177
00:06:34,731 --> 00:06:37,332
"Gather ye rosebuds
while ye may."
178
00:06:38,201 --> 00:06:40,969
And you ask why
you're Wonder Woman.
179
00:06:40,971 --> 00:06:43,471
Hey, why don't you go
and get your shoes on,
180
00:06:43,473 --> 00:06:44,839
and we'll get
going, okay?
181
00:06:44,841 --> 00:06:46,207
Cool!
182
00:06:46,209 --> 00:06:47,909
You're the best
dad ever.
183
00:06:47,911 --> 00:06:49,811
Oh, my God.
184
00:06:49,813 --> 00:06:50,979
Did you hear that?
185
00:06:50,981 --> 00:06:52,180
He used the "D" word.
186
00:06:52,182 --> 00:06:54,182
I more than heard it, I felt it.
187
00:06:54,184 --> 00:06:55,850
But I am not gonna cry.
188
00:06:55,852 --> 00:06:56,918
That's right.
189
00:06:56,920 --> 00:06:59,254
We got to stay strong
in front of the kid.
190
00:06:59,256 --> 00:07:02,323
We can't let him know
something's going on.
191
00:07:02,325 --> 00:07:05,093
'Cause that's
what a... a good dad does.
192
00:07:05,095 --> 00:07:07,262
I'm gonna go get
my jacket.
193
00:07:08,832 --> 00:07:10,498
I feel so bad for him.
194
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:12,267
Well, what are you gonna
do about it?
195
00:07:12,269 --> 00:07:14,135
There's nothing I can do.
196
00:07:14,137 --> 00:07:16,838
Just gonna throw in the towel
before the first round?
197
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:18,006
What?
198
00:07:18,008 --> 00:07:20,642
Let me put it in terms
you'll understand.
199
00:07:20,644 --> 00:07:23,912
You're crapping your tutu
before the ballet starts.
200
00:07:25,182 --> 00:07:27,115
After all that Walden's
done for you,
201
00:07:27,117 --> 00:07:30,518
you have to help him
keep ahold of Louis.
202
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,453
How?
I don't know.
203
00:07:32,455 --> 00:07:35,857
But if there is anybody
in the world that can figure out
204
00:07:35,859 --> 00:07:39,360
how to keep somebody
in this house, it's you.
205
00:07:40,096 --> 00:07:42,397
♪ Men. ♪
206
00:07:50,807 --> 00:07:52,941
Um, is this
seat taken?
207
00:07:52,943 --> 00:07:54,876
Uh, actually, no, it's...
208
00:07:55,779 --> 00:07:57,579
What are you doing here?
209
00:07:57,581 --> 00:07:58,880
Did you follow me?
210
00:07:58,882 --> 00:08:00,014
No.
211
00:08:00,016 --> 00:08:02,183
But I knew you were here
because of the picture
212
00:08:02,185 --> 00:08:03,551
you posted of
your bruschetta.
213
00:08:03,553 --> 00:08:05,453
This is completely
inappropriate.
214
00:08:05,455 --> 00:08:08,156
And only jackasses
say "brew-sketta."
215
00:08:08,158 --> 00:08:11,659
Just-just hear me out, I need
to talk to you about Louis.
216
00:08:11,661 --> 00:08:13,194
The time to talk to me
about Louis was
217
00:08:13,196 --> 00:08:14,562
before you lied to me
to get him.
218
00:08:14,564 --> 00:08:16,130
I only need
five minutes.
219
00:08:16,132 --> 00:08:17,232
I-I'll even pay
for your dinner.
220
00:08:17,234 --> 00:08:18,600
I mean, if you
really knew me,
221
00:08:18,602 --> 00:08:20,501
you'd know what a
big deal that is.
222
00:08:20,503 --> 00:08:21,970
Fine, five minutes.
223
00:08:21,972 --> 00:08:23,238
Thank you.
224
00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:24,973
Oh, and if you want
anything else, order fast--
225
00:08:24,975 --> 00:08:26,841
the happy hour prices
are about to go away.
226
00:08:26,843 --> 00:08:28,977
What do you have to say?
227
00:08:28,979 --> 00:08:30,878
Look...
228
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,014
Walden is really
a great guy.
229
00:08:33,016 --> 00:08:34,649
All he wanted
was to be a dad,
230
00:08:34,651 --> 00:08:36,651
and he tried everything
he could think of.
231
00:08:36,653 --> 00:08:39,354
I mean, he only married me
because I was his last resort.
232
00:08:39,356 --> 00:08:41,022
I'm like peeing in
a Gatorade bottle
233
00:08:41,024 --> 00:08:42,757
when you're
stuck in traffic.
234
00:08:42,759 --> 00:08:46,628
Nobody wants to do it, but
sometimes it's your only option.
235
00:08:46,630 --> 00:08:49,297
You know what
a last resort looks like?
236
00:08:49,299 --> 00:08:52,300
Like a 33-year-old woman who
devoted herself to her career
237
00:08:52,302 --> 00:08:54,002
because she had nothing else
and then realized
238
00:08:54,004 --> 00:08:56,137
she's not even good at that
because she screwed up
239
00:08:56,139 --> 00:08:59,073
and gave a kid to two guys
pretending to be a gay couple.
240
00:08:59,075 --> 00:09:01,542
I was just named
employee of the month.
241
00:09:01,544 --> 00:09:03,945
Now I can't even use
my $25 Target gift card
242
00:09:03,947 --> 00:09:05,280
without feeling guilty.
243
00:09:06,683 --> 00:09:09,317
You are a good employee
and a good person.
244
00:09:09,319 --> 00:09:12,353
And, if it'll help, I'll, uh,
I'll buy the gift card off you.
245
00:09:12,355 --> 00:09:13,254
Uh, what's fair?
246
00:09:13,256 --> 00:09:15,089
Ten? 15? Ten?
247
00:09:15,091 --> 00:09:18,126
You know,
the worst part of this is
248
00:09:18,128 --> 00:09:20,094
I actually liked you guys.
249
00:09:20,096 --> 00:09:22,130
I put your Christmas card
on my fridge.
250
00:09:22,132 --> 00:09:23,765
Now I don't even know
who you are.
251
00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:25,400
Who are those people
on my fridge?!
252
00:09:25,402 --> 00:09:27,502
We're the same two people
that you trusted Louis with
253
00:09:27,504 --> 00:09:28,770
in the first place.
254
00:09:28,772 --> 00:09:30,104
This whole thing is
a nightmare.
255
00:09:30,106 --> 00:09:31,973
Do you realize
I could lose my job?
256
00:09:31,975 --> 00:09:34,542
I have five cats to support.
257
00:09:34,544 --> 00:09:36,210
I know, and I-I
feel terrible
258
00:09:36,212 --> 00:09:37,912
that we put you
in this position.
259
00:09:37,914 --> 00:09:40,715
Our only intent was to give
a child in need a good home.
260
00:09:40,717 --> 00:09:44,352
Well, I suppose I can't
fault you for that.
261
00:09:46,189 --> 00:09:47,855
Great.
262
00:09:47,857 --> 00:09:49,157
So...
263
00:09:49,159 --> 00:09:50,858
we're done here, we
get to keep Louis,
264
00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:53,227
and I'll give you eight
bucks for the gift card.
265
00:09:53,229 --> 00:09:55,196
I wish it was that simple.
266
00:09:55,198 --> 00:09:58,399
I just don't know
what the right thing to do is.
267
00:09:58,401 --> 00:10:01,202
Okay, well, y-you don't
have to decide right now.
268
00:10:01,204 --> 00:10:03,304
Let's, uh, let's
talk about it.
269
00:10:03,306 --> 00:10:07,041
Um, uh, can I get an appletini,
uh, sugar rim, extra zest?
270
00:10:07,043 --> 00:10:09,911
You don't have to pretend
to be gay anymore.
271
00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:12,814
Oh-oh, yeah, uh,
right, uh, uh...
272
00:10:12,816 --> 00:10:14,115
Uh, make it a mojito.
273
00:10:14,117 --> 00:10:16,584
Skinny.
274
00:10:16,586 --> 00:10:18,920
So, uh, what do you
say, Ms. McMartin?
275
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:20,755
Uh, another
Chardonnay?
276
00:10:20,757 --> 00:10:22,757
Eh, what the hell?
277
00:10:22,759 --> 00:10:24,759
It's not like this week
could get any worse.
278
00:10:24,761 --> 00:10:27,362
I can't believe
I'm doing this.
279
00:10:27,364 --> 00:10:29,063
I can't believe you're
doing this either.
280
00:10:29,065 --> 00:10:30,031
Oh, oh, Alan.
281
00:10:30,033 --> 00:10:31,933
Oh, Ms. McMartin.
282
00:10:31,935 --> 00:10:33,701
♪ Men. ♪
283
00:10:40,095 --> 00:10:43,263
♪ Men. ♪
284
00:10:43,265 --> 00:10:45,432
This is a disaster.
285
00:10:47,135 --> 00:10:48,835
I'm sorry.
286
00:10:48,837 --> 00:10:49,936
Come on, man.
287
00:10:49,938 --> 00:10:52,205
You like her.
Rise and shine.
288
00:10:52,207 --> 00:10:54,240
What is wrong with me?
289
00:10:54,242 --> 00:10:55,642
Oh, no, no,
it's not you.
290
00:10:55,644 --> 00:10:58,445
Uh, although, if I, uh,
if I did have one note, uh,
291
00:10:58,447 --> 00:11:00,680
the beige granny panties
didn't exactly move the needle.
292
00:11:00,682 --> 00:11:04,851
They're nude-colored,
and they are my work panties.
293
00:11:04,853 --> 00:11:06,987
Although your use
of the word "needle"
294
00:11:06,989 --> 00:11:09,623
is anatomically accurate.
295
00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:11,625
I am a grower,
not a shower.
296
00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:15,528
Why do I always make
such a mess of things?
297
00:11:15,530 --> 00:11:17,063
I'm sorry.
298
00:11:17,065 --> 00:11:19,699
Don't be.
299
00:11:19,701 --> 00:11:21,201
The crying's
actually helping.
300
00:11:22,037 --> 00:11:23,236
What?
301
00:11:23,238 --> 00:11:25,572
Um, your weeping
reminds me
302
00:11:25,574 --> 00:11:27,374
of having sex with
my first wife.
303
00:11:27,376 --> 00:11:30,210
How did I get here?
304
00:11:30,212 --> 00:11:31,978
I went to Stanford.
305
00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:34,948
I turned down a job on Wall
Street to help save the world,
306
00:11:34,950 --> 00:11:37,183
and now I'm in bed
with an old guy
307
00:11:37,185 --> 00:11:39,052
who can't get a boner!
308
00:11:40,389 --> 00:11:43,023
Um, actually, that is
no longer the case.
309
00:11:43,025 --> 00:11:44,958
Seatbacks and
tray tables
310
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,694
are in their full
upright position.
311
00:11:47,696 --> 00:11:50,597
Flight attendants,
prepare for takeoff.
312
00:11:50,599 --> 00:11:51,965
Get out.
313
00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:54,734
Oh. Oh, okay.
314
00:11:54,736 --> 00:11:56,670
Um...
315
00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:58,071
I, uh...
316
00:11:58,073 --> 00:12:01,041
I, uh, hope this won't affect
your decision about Louis.
317
00:12:01,043 --> 00:12:04,244
I would hate it
if you held my flaccid penis
318
00:12:04,246 --> 00:12:06,446
against Walden.
319
00:12:09,117 --> 00:12:11,418
♪ Men. ♪
320
00:12:12,854 --> 00:12:14,587
Oh, hey.
321
00:12:14,589 --> 00:12:15,955
Um, you're...
you're still up.
322
00:12:15,957 --> 00:12:18,425
It's 8:15.
323
00:12:18,427 --> 00:12:20,927
Oh, to be young again.
324
00:12:20,929 --> 00:12:22,395
So, uh, what have
you been doing?
325
00:12:22,397 --> 00:12:24,931
Oh, I-I was, uh,
making a video montage
326
00:12:24,933 --> 00:12:27,133
of the time we spent with Louis.
You want to see it?
327
00:12:27,135 --> 00:12:29,269
Yeah. Yeah, great.
328
00:12:29,271 --> 00:12:33,707
♪ Ooh, child,
things are gonna get eas... ♪
329
00:12:37,446 --> 00:12:38,578
That's it?
330
00:12:38,580 --> 00:12:40,847
Yeah, we really should have
taken more pictures.
331
00:12:42,951 --> 00:12:44,184
Where have you been?
332
00:12:44,186 --> 00:12:46,019
Oh, I, uh... I, uh...
333
00:12:46,021 --> 00:12:48,621
I went to, uh,
see Ms. McMartin.
334
00:12:48,623 --> 00:12:51,024
Are you kidding me?
335
00:12:51,927 --> 00:12:54,861
She told us to
leave her alone.
336
00:12:54,863 --> 00:12:58,198
Alan, when people say that
to you, they mean it.
337
00:12:59,367 --> 00:13:01,768
Remember how you're not allowed
to go to Subway anymore
338
00:13:01,770 --> 00:13:04,871
and suggestively ask
for "double meat"?
339
00:13:04,873 --> 00:13:07,607
I-I was just trying
to help us keep Louis.
340
00:13:07,609 --> 00:13:10,110
Okay, tell me
exactly what you did
341
00:13:10,112 --> 00:13:11,578
so I can start to undo it.
342
00:13:11,580 --> 00:13:14,080
O-Okay. Um, I followed her
to a bar...
343
00:13:14,082 --> 00:13:15,715
Oh, God!
344
00:13:15,717 --> 00:13:18,051
This is like the time
that we saw Kelly Ripa
345
00:13:18,053 --> 00:13:20,053
outside the grocery store!
346
00:13:20,055 --> 00:13:21,121
No. No, no, no.
347
00:13:21,123 --> 00:13:23,022
So we-we had a few drinks,
348
00:13:23,024 --> 00:13:25,925
uh, and the funny part is,
um, we ended up in bed.
349
00:13:25,927 --> 00:13:29,796
You had sex with Ms. McMartin?!
350
00:13:29,798 --> 00:13:31,231
No!
351
00:13:31,233 --> 00:13:32,732
No, I did not.
352
00:13:33,835 --> 00:13:37,036
I was unable
to maintain an erection.
353
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,541
This has gone from bad to worse.
I might start crying.
354
00:13:41,543 --> 00:13:43,510
I wouldn't.
355
00:13:45,580 --> 00:13:47,881
♪ Men. ♪
356
00:13:47,883 --> 00:13:49,382
How you doing?
357
00:13:49,384 --> 00:13:51,184
I've been better.
358
00:13:51,186 --> 00:13:52,819
Well, you want
to forget the pain
359
00:13:52,821 --> 00:13:54,521
or you want to forget your name?
360
00:13:54,523 --> 00:13:56,890
Got anything
to help me forget Alan?
361
00:13:56,892 --> 00:14:00,660
If I did, I'd be asking you,
"Who's Alan?"
362
00:14:02,564 --> 00:14:06,266
Listen, don't let
yourself get too down.
363
00:14:06,268 --> 00:14:08,368
It's like
I tell my daughters,
364
00:14:08,370 --> 00:14:10,637
no use crying
until the verdict's read.
365
00:14:10,639 --> 00:14:13,306
I tried to sway
Ms. McMartin.
366
00:14:13,308 --> 00:14:15,074
She won't even
take my calls.
367
00:14:15,076 --> 00:14:16,810
Well, someone
ought to tell her
368
00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:19,746
that you are the best thing
that ever happened for that kid.
369
00:14:19,748 --> 00:14:22,415
I'm just worried about
370
00:14:22,417 --> 00:14:25,418
what will happen to him if
she doesn't let me keep him.
371
00:14:25,420 --> 00:14:28,121
Being a foster kid
makes you tough.
372
00:14:29,191 --> 00:14:30,590
Before he goes, I'll teach him
373
00:14:30,592 --> 00:14:33,126
how to make a shiv
out of a Krazy Straw.
374
00:14:34,062 --> 00:14:35,295
Thanks.
375
00:14:35,297 --> 00:14:36,462
I needed a laugh.
376
00:14:36,464 --> 00:14:38,998
Yeah, 'cause I'm kidding.
377
00:14:41,336 --> 00:14:43,036
I don't want him
to leave either.
378
00:14:43,038 --> 00:14:44,604
He's a good kid,
isn't he?
379
00:14:44,606 --> 00:14:45,872
Yeah.
380
00:14:45,874 --> 00:14:48,174
If I lose him,
all I'm gonna have
381
00:14:48,176 --> 00:14:50,009
is a five-second
photo montage
382
00:14:50,011 --> 00:14:53,413
and a picture of Alan
as Wonder Woman.
383
00:14:53,415 --> 00:14:55,949
Look, we're all
in this together.
384
00:14:55,951 --> 00:14:58,785
Anything I can do for you,
you let me know.
385
00:14:58,787 --> 00:15:00,887
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
386
00:15:02,157 --> 00:15:05,024
You know, if you happen to
know a guy who specializes
387
00:15:05,026 --> 00:15:07,594
in making a father
and son disappear,
388
00:15:07,596 --> 00:15:09,629
you just might want to
keep that number handy.
389
00:15:09,631 --> 00:15:11,865
I do know a guy
390
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:14,300
that could sneak 80 pounds
into the country.
391
00:15:14,302 --> 00:15:17,737
I don't see why he couldn't
sneak 80 pounds out.
392
00:15:19,174 --> 00:15:21,808
♪ Men. ♪
393
00:15:21,810 --> 00:15:23,877
Ms. McMartin is
15 minutes late.
394
00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:26,212
You know, we might be
a fraudulently gay couple,
395
00:15:26,214 --> 00:15:27,680
but at least we're punctual.
396
00:15:29,451 --> 00:15:31,384
We're not the only ones
who lied.
397
00:15:31,386 --> 00:15:34,320
I know for a fact that blonde
is not her natural hair color.
398
00:15:39,561 --> 00:15:41,027
That's her.
399
00:15:41,029 --> 00:15:42,629
Yeah, and she better watch it,
400
00:15:42,631 --> 00:15:44,163
'cause I am
in mama grizzly mode.
401
00:15:44,165 --> 00:15:45,765
Promise me
you won't make this
402
00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:47,300
more awkward
than it already is.
403
00:15:47,302 --> 00:15:48,701
You got it, of course.
404
00:15:51,706 --> 00:15:52,839
Ms. McMartin.
405
00:15:52,841 --> 00:15:54,841
Hello, Walden.
406
00:15:54,843 --> 00:15:56,109
Alan.
407
00:16:00,882 --> 00:16:02,815
'Sup, girl?
408
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,819
Who's here?
409
00:16:06,821 --> 00:16:08,254
Oh, hey, buddy.
410
00:16:08,256 --> 00:16:09,989
Uh, it's Ms. McMartin.
411
00:16:09,991 --> 00:16:10,890
Hi, Louis.
412
00:16:10,892 --> 00:16:12,625
Hi.
413
00:16:12,627 --> 00:16:14,794
Hey, why don't you go
in your room and play, uh,
414
00:16:14,796 --> 00:16:16,829
while the grown-ups
talk for a little.
415
00:16:16,831 --> 00:16:18,164
Sure.
Okay.
416
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,200
You see how
he handled that?
417
00:16:21,202 --> 00:16:22,902
"Let the
grown-ups talk."
418
00:16:22,904 --> 00:16:24,637
Supportive and gentle,
419
00:16:24,639 --> 00:16:27,907
not unlike your delightful
beige work panties.
420
00:16:29,177 --> 00:16:33,012
Alan, let the grown-ups talk.
421
00:16:33,014 --> 00:16:36,115
I've thought about this
a long time,
422
00:16:36,117 --> 00:16:39,686
and nobody wanted this
to work out more than I did.
423
00:16:40,789 --> 00:16:43,189
Please don't do this.
424
00:16:43,191 --> 00:16:44,490
I have to do my job,
425
00:16:44,492 --> 00:16:46,726
and the fact of the matter is
you lied.
426
00:16:46,728 --> 00:16:48,027
You committed fraud.
427
00:16:48,029 --> 00:16:50,396
But we are
legally married.
428
00:16:50,398 --> 00:16:51,564
He is my best friend.
429
00:16:51,566 --> 00:16:52,498
We're-we're good parents.
430
00:16:52,500 --> 00:16:54,067
And-and clearly,
we love each other.
431
00:16:54,069 --> 00:16:55,535
Yes.
432
00:16:55,537 --> 00:16:57,737
The-the only thing
that we don't do
433
00:16:57,739 --> 00:17:00,406
is, well, "love" each other.
434
00:17:01,943 --> 00:17:05,078
But if that's the only reason
that we don't get to keep Louis,
435
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:07,447
i-is because
I don't put my man parts
436
00:17:07,449 --> 00:17:10,450
into Alan's...
mostly man parts...
437
00:17:11,886 --> 00:17:14,020
...then we will have sex
right here in front of you.
438
00:17:15,323 --> 00:17:17,023
I mean... come on, Alan.
439
00:17:17,025 --> 00:17:18,558
Oh, okay.
440
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:21,060
Um...
441
00:17:21,062 --> 00:17:22,261
Guys, stop.
442
00:17:22,263 --> 00:17:23,429
No, I am serious!
443
00:17:23,431 --> 00:17:25,298
I will have sex with Alan
right here
444
00:17:25,300 --> 00:17:28,001
on the living room floor
if we get to keep this kid!
445
00:17:28,003 --> 00:17:29,569
Now, how can you say
446
00:17:29,571 --> 00:17:32,839
that this isn't
a great home for a child?
447
00:17:32,841 --> 00:17:35,408
I know you're upset.
448
00:17:35,410 --> 00:17:36,943
I am, too.
449
00:17:36,945 --> 00:17:38,244
But I've made up my mind.
450
00:17:38,246 --> 00:17:39,246
No!
451
00:17:40,048 --> 00:17:41,814
This can't be it!
452
00:17:42,851 --> 00:17:44,083
I'm ready.
453
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:47,286
What are you doing, buddy?
454
00:17:47,288 --> 00:17:49,088
Whenever Ms. McMartin comes
455
00:17:49,090 --> 00:17:51,858
and the grown-ups start yelling,
I get taken away.
456
00:17:51,860 --> 00:17:54,027
Oh, man.
457
00:17:54,029 --> 00:17:56,262
I'm very sorry, Louis.
458
00:17:56,264 --> 00:17:58,798
What's going on?
459
00:17:58,800 --> 00:17:59,699
She's taking him.
460
00:17:59,701 --> 00:18:01,234
What?
461
00:18:01,236 --> 00:18:04,270
Hey, Blondie, how many people
know you're here?
462
00:18:07,876 --> 00:18:09,375
Berta, it's okay.
463
00:18:09,377 --> 00:18:11,277
And she's not
a real blonde.
464
00:18:14,315 --> 00:18:16,015
Come here.
465
00:18:16,017 --> 00:18:18,951
I want you to know that
this isn't your fault.
466
00:18:18,953 --> 00:18:23,089
You didn't do anything wrong
and you're a great kid.
467
00:18:23,091 --> 00:18:24,690
I really liked it here.
468
00:18:24,692 --> 00:18:27,827
We are, uh... we're
gonna miss you, kiddo.
469
00:18:27,829 --> 00:18:30,830
Me, too.
470
00:18:30,832 --> 00:18:32,398
Here.
471
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,434
No.
472
00:18:34,436 --> 00:18:36,069
T-Timothy's your
best friend.
473
00:18:36,071 --> 00:18:38,204
He'll be your
best friend now.
474
00:18:43,378 --> 00:18:44,944
Bye, Louis.
475
00:18:44,946 --> 00:18:46,813
Bye. Bye, Berta.
476
00:18:46,815 --> 00:18:48,381
So long, kid.
477
00:18:48,383 --> 00:18:49,816
Come on, Louis.
478
00:19:02,063 --> 00:19:04,530
I can't do this.
479
00:19:04,532 --> 00:19:05,498
What?
480
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:07,533
No, the whole reason
I took this job
481
00:19:07,535 --> 00:19:08,734
was to help kids.
482
00:19:08,736 --> 00:19:11,537
No matter how
we got here,
483
00:19:11,539 --> 00:19:13,606
this is the best place for him.
484
00:19:13,608 --> 00:19:14,907
Oh, this is amazing.
485
00:19:14,909 --> 00:19:16,642
Come here, buddy. Oh!
486
00:19:16,644 --> 00:19:19,745
Did you grow while
you were gone?
487
00:19:19,747 --> 00:19:21,380
No.
488
00:19:21,382 --> 00:19:22,548
No?
489
00:19:22,550 --> 00:19:24,717
Get ready for
a mama bear hug.
490
00:19:24,719 --> 00:19:25,985
Mama bear.
491
00:19:25,987 --> 00:19:28,020
Oh, my goodness, thank you.
492
00:19:28,857 --> 00:19:30,089
No more lies.
493
00:19:30,091 --> 00:19:31,124
No.
494
00:19:31,126 --> 00:19:32,558
Unless my boss
finds out about this.
495
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:33,926
Then I totally need you to lie.
496
00:19:35,463 --> 00:19:37,530
Glad to have
you back, kid.
497
00:19:37,532 --> 00:19:39,832
Oh, and, Ms. McMartin,
498
00:19:39,834 --> 00:19:41,601
you might want to stay
away from your house
499
00:19:41,603 --> 00:19:43,369
until I can make
some phone calls.
500
00:19:45,807 --> 00:19:47,406
Okay! Okay!
501
00:19:47,408 --> 00:19:48,741
Let's put your stuff
away, buddy.
502
00:19:48,743 --> 00:19:50,009
Hey, you know what?
503
00:19:50,011 --> 00:19:51,310
You can have this now,
504
00:19:51,312 --> 00:19:53,579
'cause I got
my best friend back.
505
00:19:53,581 --> 00:19:55,014
Technically, I'm
your best friend.
506
00:19:55,984 --> 00:19:58,217
And I never left.
507
00:19:58,219 --> 00:19:59,685
Still, a touching moment.
508
00:20:01,022 --> 00:20:02,622
That was really sweet of you.
509
00:20:02,624 --> 00:20:04,457
I feel good about it.
510
00:20:04,459 --> 00:20:06,692
Today you earned
your Target gift card.
511
00:20:07,962 --> 00:20:08,928
Thanks.
512
00:20:08,930 --> 00:20:10,429
No, thank you.
513
00:20:13,768 --> 00:20:15,535
Oh. Oh, are you...
are you crying?
514
00:20:15,537 --> 00:20:18,838
Yes, but... tears of joy.
515
00:20:25,547 --> 00:20:27,113
Those work, too.
516
00:20:27,115 --> 00:20:29,015
♪ Men. ♪
517
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:36,266
♪ Men. ♪
Wow!
518
00:20:36,268 --> 00:20:37,734
That was amazing!
519
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:38,702
Yep.
520
00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:40,537
Alan may disappoint
sometimes,
521
00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:43,006
but a little blue
pill never does.
522
00:20:43,008 --> 00:20:45,742
Hey, could I ask you
a personal question?
523
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:47,711
What do you consider personal?
524
00:20:47,713 --> 00:20:50,380
I already let you try on
my work panties.
525
00:20:50,382 --> 00:20:53,450
Well... how do I put this?
526
00:20:53,452 --> 00:20:57,008
Ms. McMartin,
what's your first name?
527
00:20:59,184 --> 00:21:05,684
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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