1
00:00:01,575 --> 00:00:03,709
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:05,412 --> 00:00:06,712
I can't believe it.
3
00:00:06,714 --> 00:00:08,113
I know.
4
00:00:08,115 --> 00:00:11,216
Since you let me do it to you,
I had to let you do it to me.
5
00:00:11,218 --> 00:00:12,484
Not that.
6
00:00:12,486 --> 00:00:15,354
Although, remind me
to throw away that cat toy.
7
00:00:15,356 --> 00:00:18,023
No, I meant the fact
that you are cheating
8
00:00:18,025 --> 00:00:20,626
on your husband to sleep
with your social worker.
9
00:00:20,628 --> 00:00:23,228
You just described a fantasy
I didn't know I had.
10
00:00:24,698 --> 00:00:26,965
Naughty social worker.
11
00:00:26,967 --> 00:00:29,501
Show me on the doll
where I should touch you.
12
00:00:29,503 --> 00:00:33,171
Okay, I need to keep
romantically what I do here
13
00:00:33,173 --> 00:00:36,375
separate from what I do
professionally out there.
14
00:00:36,377 --> 00:00:37,643
Even though, in both cases,
15
00:00:37,645 --> 00:00:40,012
I seem to work
with the jobless and homeless.
16
00:00:40,014 --> 00:00:42,347
I think we have a
professional relationship.
17
00:00:42,349 --> 00:00:45,484
You gave us a kid,
I gave you an orgasm.
18
00:00:45,486 --> 00:00:49,254
Well, technically,
both of those are still pending.
19
00:00:52,426 --> 00:00:53,859
But I'm serious.
20
00:00:53,861 --> 00:00:56,294
If we're gonna do this, we have
to establish some boundaries.
21
00:00:56,296 --> 00:00:58,263
I mean, I'm overseeing Walden's
adoption of Louis.
22
00:00:58,265 --> 00:01:00,565
Right, right, I-I really
don't want to mess that up.
23
00:01:00,567 --> 00:01:04,069
It's just that I-I like
spending time with you.
24
00:01:04,071 --> 00:01:05,737
And I--
25
00:01:05,739 --> 00:01:07,706
to my surprise--
26
00:01:07,708 --> 00:01:09,508
like spending time with you.
27
00:01:09,510 --> 00:01:12,210
I'm kind of like
poison ivy.
28
00:01:12,212 --> 00:01:15,614
You don't realize you've been
exposed until you get that itch.
29
00:01:17,584 --> 00:01:20,018
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
30
00:01:20,020 --> 00:01:21,720
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
31
00:01:21,721 --> 00:01:25,721
♪ Two and a Half Men 12x11 ♪
For Whom the Booty Calls
Original Air Date on Jan
32
00:01:25,722 --> 00:01:29,722
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
33
00:01:29,747 --> 00:01:32,848
♪ Men. ♪
34
00:01:34,851 --> 00:01:36,151
Hey.
35
00:01:36,153 --> 00:01:38,019
Oh, what's that?
36
00:01:38,021 --> 00:01:40,922
Yes, I am wearing
the same clothes as last night.
37
00:01:42,359 --> 00:01:44,592
Ask not for whom
the booty calls.
38
00:01:45,896 --> 00:01:48,062
The booty calls for me.
39
00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:50,131
So I assume
you're not gonna stop
40
00:01:50,133 --> 00:01:51,299
until I ask who it was.
41
00:01:51,301 --> 00:01:52,867
A gentleman doesn't
kiss and tell,
42
00:01:52,869 --> 00:01:54,135
but I'm no gentleman,
43
00:01:54,137 --> 00:01:56,271
and it's hard to kiss
a woman from behind.
44
00:01:57,474 --> 00:01:58,940
Alan, okay, who was it?
45
00:01:58,942 --> 00:02:01,042
I banged our social worker.
46
00:02:01,044 --> 00:02:02,544
Ms. McMartin?
47
00:02:02,546 --> 00:02:03,978
Again?
48
00:02:03,980 --> 00:02:05,280
What can I say?
49
00:02:05,282 --> 00:02:07,816
She gave my penis a good home.
50
00:02:07,818 --> 00:02:10,251
I thought this was gonna be
something that you did once,
51
00:02:10,253 --> 00:02:12,787
like manscaping
with a straight razor.
52
00:02:14,191 --> 00:02:16,391
Please don't
mess this up for me.
53
00:02:16,393 --> 00:02:17,826
Oh, no, no, it's
a good thing.
54
00:02:17,828 --> 00:02:19,294
Uh, plus, we-we really
like each other,
55
00:02:19,296 --> 00:02:20,795
And we agreed
to respect boundaries.
56
00:02:20,797 --> 00:02:22,363
You know-- personal life,
professional life.
57
00:02:22,365 --> 00:02:24,432
Okay, and what boundaries
are you respecting
58
00:02:24,434 --> 00:02:26,100
when you're bragging
about having sex with her?
59
00:02:26,102 --> 00:02:28,436
That's just something a man
wants to share with his husband.
60
00:02:30,106 --> 00:02:31,306
Oh, oh, that's
Ms. McMartin.
61
00:02:31,308 --> 00:02:32,607
She's here to
check up on Louis.
62
00:02:32,609 --> 00:02:34,209
It was supposed
to be a surprise.
63
00:02:35,979 --> 00:02:37,111
Wait up, hold on...
64
00:02:37,113 --> 00:02:38,346
She told you this?
65
00:02:38,348 --> 00:02:40,481
No, she didn't tell me--
we have boundaries.
66
00:02:40,483 --> 00:02:43,718
I saw it on her phone when I
was going through her texts.
67
00:02:46,923 --> 00:02:48,489
Hello, Walden.
68
00:02:48,491 --> 00:02:50,425
Ms. McMartin.
69
00:02:50,427 --> 00:02:51,793
Hi.
70
00:02:51,795 --> 00:02:53,628
What a surprise.
71
00:02:53,630 --> 00:02:55,296
Come on in.
72
00:02:58,268 --> 00:03:00,168
Hey, girl.
73
00:03:01,538 --> 00:03:04,105
You are social workin' it.
74
00:03:05,842 --> 00:03:07,141
Can I get you anything?
75
00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:09,110
Like a new boyfriend?
76
00:03:09,112 --> 00:03:12,180
Okay, so obviously
Alan told you about us.
77
00:03:12,182 --> 00:03:13,248
Uh, yes, he has.
78
00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:14,616
Look, I want
you to know
79
00:03:14,618 --> 00:03:17,185
this will in no way affect
our professional relationship.
80
00:03:17,187 --> 00:03:19,921
I am here strictly as your
and Louis's caseworker.
81
00:03:19,923 --> 00:03:21,656
And let me tell you
something right now,
82
00:03:21,658 --> 00:03:23,691
I want to back that case up.
83
00:03:26,263 --> 00:03:29,130
You know, Alan, the lucky thing
is that after I smack you,
84
00:03:29,132 --> 00:03:31,933
there's already a social worker
here to report it to.
85
00:03:33,370 --> 00:03:35,236
So how is everything
going with Louis?
86
00:03:35,238 --> 00:03:36,437
You know, it's good.
87
00:03:36,439 --> 00:03:39,374
Uh, but I have
a couple questions.
88
00:03:39,376 --> 00:03:42,644
Like... like, okay, for example,
89
00:03:42,646 --> 00:03:44,812
what's the best way
to discipline him?
90
00:03:44,814 --> 00:03:47,348
Uh, I believe she
favors spanking.
91
00:03:52,689 --> 00:03:54,956
All right, what do I say
92
00:03:54,958 --> 00:03:57,592
when he asks
about his biological parents?
93
00:03:57,594 --> 00:04:01,629
And how much cheese
is too much cheese?
94
00:04:01,631 --> 00:04:03,598
Okay, how about we just do
one question at a time?
95
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,699
Okay, okay.
96
00:04:04,701 --> 00:04:06,167
There's some cultural
things, like--
97
00:04:06,169 --> 00:04:08,603
should I teach him
a cool handshake,
98
00:04:08,605 --> 00:04:10,238
or does that just make me lame?
99
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:12,240
Good question, bro.
100
00:04:14,711 --> 00:04:16,244
Blow it up.
101
00:04:17,414 --> 00:04:19,113
You know what might help?
102
00:04:19,115 --> 00:04:20,515
Talking to other foster parents.
103
00:04:20,517 --> 00:04:22,250
Actually,
some of my dads have started
104
00:04:22,252 --> 00:04:23,484
an informal support group.
105
00:04:23,486 --> 00:04:25,486
They kick around these kind
of questions every week.
106
00:04:25,488 --> 00:04:26,587
Oh, that'd be
great for you.
107
00:04:26,589 --> 00:04:28,189
Uh, I went to a group
for divorced dads,
108
00:04:28,191 --> 00:04:29,490
and it really helped.
109
00:04:29,492 --> 00:04:32,160
Uh, I also went to a group
for people whose moms died,
110
00:04:32,162 --> 00:04:34,195
but, uh, that was
just wishful thinking.
111
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:38,266
♪ Men. ♪
112
00:04:38,268 --> 00:04:40,201
Hey, buddy.
Berta's gonna watch you
113
00:04:40,203 --> 00:04:41,903
when I go to
my meeting tonight, okay?
114
00:04:41,905 --> 00:04:43,037
Okay.
115
00:04:43,039 --> 00:04:45,039
We're gonna have
a lot of fun.
116
00:04:45,041 --> 00:04:48,142
Remember the last time when we
learned about animals and math?
117
00:04:48,144 --> 00:04:50,244
Yep.
Wow, what'd you learn?
118
00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:52,613
A trifecta is a sucker bet.
119
00:04:53,783 --> 00:04:55,049
And?
120
00:04:55,051 --> 00:04:58,086
Horses run faster when
they poop before the race.
121
00:04:59,222 --> 00:05:01,189
The kid's a sponge.
122
00:05:01,191 --> 00:05:02,557
Good morning.
123
00:05:02,559 --> 00:05:06,680
Speaking of sponges.
124
00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:08,425
I got my first dads group tonight.
Oh.
125
00:05:08,425 --> 00:05:10,650
And before that, Louis and
I are gonna go to the movies.
126
00:05:10,652 --> 00:05:11,685
Then I'm gonna hit the gym.
127
00:05:11,687 --> 00:05:12,719
Oh, you know what?
128
00:05:12,721 --> 00:05:14,120
Why don't we go
to the gym first?
129
00:05:14,122 --> 00:05:15,555
That way,
we can steal some waters
130
00:05:15,557 --> 00:05:17,257
so we can sneak them
into the movies.
131
00:05:17,259 --> 00:05:18,892
You want to go?
132
00:05:18,894 --> 00:05:21,261
Uh, isn't today when you go
to the farmer's market
133
00:05:21,263 --> 00:05:22,862
and bargain for bruised peaches?
134
00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:24,564
I can just go
to the supermarket.
135
00:05:24,566 --> 00:05:26,633
They're all bruised
when you bring a Sharpie.
136
00:05:26,635 --> 00:05:29,536
I want to spend
the day with you.
137
00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:32,606
Oh, great.
138
00:05:32,608 --> 00:05:36,242
You know, it's just that I-I was
gonna head straight from the gym
139
00:05:36,244 --> 00:05:37,711
to the meeting.
140
00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:39,179
So...
141
00:05:39,181 --> 00:05:40,880
if you go...
142
00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,582
Oh, oh, I get it.
Say no more.
143
00:05:42,584 --> 00:05:43,683
Thank you.
144
00:05:43,685 --> 00:05:44,951
You can just drop me off
on your way.
145
00:05:44,953 --> 00:05:47,621
Mmm, what do you want
for dinner?
146
00:05:47,623 --> 00:05:49,589
I don't know.
147
00:05:49,591 --> 00:05:51,057
Who thinks about dinner
148
00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:53,293
when you're still
swallowing your breakfast?
149
00:05:53,295 --> 00:05:55,195
I'll have hot dogs.
150
00:05:56,164 --> 00:05:57,764
Where are you going?
151
00:05:57,766 --> 00:06:01,601
I'm gonna do something
to help me run faster.
152
00:06:03,705 --> 00:06:05,839
♪ Men. ♪
153
00:06:05,841 --> 00:06:07,273
Hey, fellas,
the new guy's here.
154
00:06:07,275 --> 00:06:08,441
- Hey.
- Hey.
155
00:06:08,443 --> 00:06:10,076
Hey, you going to
spin class, sweetie?
156
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,045
Yep. See you later.
157
00:06:12,047 --> 00:06:15,762
Hey, I'm Rick.
158
00:06:15,764 --> 00:06:18,632
Yes, she is,
but that was my wife.
159
00:06:19,735 --> 00:06:21,268
My daughter's 40.
160
00:06:21,270 --> 00:06:23,603
That's way too old for me.
161
00:06:23,605 --> 00:06:25,405
This is Leo,
and that's Jack.
162
00:06:25,407 --> 00:06:27,707
Hi. Hi.
Hey.
Hey, nice
to meet you.
163
00:06:27,709 --> 00:06:29,142
That's, uh, Brian
over there.
164
00:06:29,144 --> 00:06:32,379
Just had newborn twins, so
he just comes here to sleep.
165
00:06:32,381 --> 00:06:34,915
Yeah, you could fart in his
face, he won't even wake up.
166
00:06:34,917 --> 00:06:36,116
Ah.
167
00:06:36,118 --> 00:06:37,184
Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
168
00:06:37,186 --> 00:06:38,552
This place is amazing.
169
00:06:38,554 --> 00:06:40,887
You got a bar,
and the pool table, and the TVs.
170
00:06:40,889 --> 00:06:43,690
You just add some hot chicks,
orange paint and an owl,
171
00:06:43,692 --> 00:06:45,358
and you got a Hooters.
172
00:06:46,628 --> 00:06:48,728
Maybe Heidi can serve us beers
when she gets back.
173
00:06:48,730 --> 00:06:51,698
Why not? That's what she was
doing when I met her.
174
00:06:52,734 --> 00:06:54,467
So, uh, what's
your kid situation?
175
00:06:54,469 --> 00:06:55,635
Uh, I got a boy.
176
00:06:55,637 --> 00:06:56,803
Uh, his name's Louis.
177
00:06:56,805 --> 00:07:04,274
He's six.
178
00:07:04,276 --> 00:07:06,443
Nice. I got
three daughters.
179
00:07:06,445 --> 00:07:08,678
I always wanted a son,
so, uh, we adopted Josh.
180
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,046
Now I got half
a girl's volleyball team
181
00:07:10,048 --> 00:07:11,681
and a boy who wants
to be their cheerleader.
182
00:07:11,683 --> 00:07:13,950
But I love him--
no judgment.
183
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:17,587
My wife and I adopted
a four-year-old girl, Micah.
184
00:07:17,589 --> 00:07:19,923
I also do alarm systems,
in case you're in the market.
185
00:07:19,925 --> 00:07:21,224
Give me your contact info,
186
00:07:21,226 --> 00:07:23,259
I'll put you down
on my weekly e-mail blast.
187
00:07:23,261 --> 00:07:24,594
All the guys get it.
188
00:07:24,596 --> 00:07:25,728
Mark as spam.
189
00:07:27,265 --> 00:07:28,965
That is funny.
190
00:07:28,967 --> 00:07:31,201
Jack's alarm code is #227.
191
00:07:31,203 --> 00:07:34,204
I got three grown kids
from my first marriage,
192
00:07:34,206 --> 00:07:36,639
and Heidi and I just adopted
a seven-year-old girl.
193
00:07:36,641 --> 00:07:38,541
Wow. You must really love kids.
194
00:07:38,543 --> 00:07:41,277
Kids are fine.
What I love is Heidi.
195
00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:43,213
You saw her.
196
00:07:43,215 --> 00:07:45,014
When I was in college,
197
00:07:45,016 --> 00:07:47,717
her mother was in sixth grade.
198
00:07:48,553 --> 00:07:49,986
And if you think about it,
199
00:07:49,988 --> 00:07:52,422
my next wife
isn't even born yet.
200
00:07:54,926 --> 00:07:57,594
So, uh, why did you and
your wife choose to adopt?
201
00:07:57,596 --> 00:08:00,163
My wife is incapable
of having children.
202
00:08:00,165 --> 00:08:01,464
Oh.
203
00:08:01,466 --> 00:08:02,465
Yeah, his name is Alan.
204
00:08:02,467 --> 00:08:04,133
Oh.
205
00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:05,435
A-Although, uh,
206
00:08:05,437 --> 00:08:07,437
he did order boner pills
from China once
207
00:08:07,439 --> 00:08:09,172
that made him lactate.
208
00:08:10,709 --> 00:08:11,908
Uh,
209
00:08:11,910 --> 00:08:13,877
so, anything going on
with Louis?
210
00:08:13,879 --> 00:08:15,778
Yeah, you know,
I have a couple questions
211
00:08:15,780 --> 00:08:17,680
that-that you're
the perfect person to answer.
212
00:08:17,682 --> 00:08:19,315
Why is that?
213
00:08:20,452 --> 00:08:22,318
'Cause I'm handsome? Charming?
214
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:24,854
College graduate?
Top home security specialist
215
00:08:24,856 --> 00:08:26,923
in the South Bay
three years running?
216
00:08:26,925 --> 00:08:30,126
Yes, that...
217
00:08:30,128 --> 00:08:33,129
Louis is also all those things.
218
00:08:33,131 --> 00:08:34,998
I'm just messing with you!
219
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,466
Yeah.
220
00:08:36,468 --> 00:08:39,502
Ms. McMartin told us
your kid was mixed-race.
221
00:08:39,504 --> 00:08:40,803
So what do you want to know?
222
00:08:40,805 --> 00:08:42,972
Uh, do you want to know
how to comb his hair?
223
00:08:42,974 --> 00:08:44,874
Uh, what type of music
to expose him to?
224
00:08:44,876 --> 00:08:46,843
Do I need to teach
him a cool handshake?
225
00:08:46,845 --> 00:08:48,711
So that's-that's actually
a thing?
226
00:08:48,713 --> 00:08:51,307
Yeah, yeah. Here, let me
show you, let me show you.
227
00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:52,016
Oh.
228
00:08:52,017 --> 00:08:54,017
Huh? Huh?
Ooh.
229
00:08:54,019 --> 00:08:55,218
That is cool.
230
00:08:55,220 --> 00:08:56,619
And you just did it
231
00:08:56,621 --> 00:08:58,488
to hand me your business card.
232
00:08:58,490 --> 00:09:00,690
Yeah. If you tell me
that I sent you,
233
00:09:00,692 --> 00:09:02,692
then you get 20% off.
234
00:09:04,062 --> 00:09:06,362
By the way,
have you seen my wife?
235
00:09:06,364 --> 00:09:08,565
♪ Men. ♪
236
00:09:08,567 --> 00:09:10,300
Hey, uh, thanks
for having me.
237
00:09:10,302 --> 00:09:12,602
You know, this is great.
I-I don't think I knew it,
238
00:09:12,604 --> 00:09:14,003
but I needed a place like this.
239
00:09:14,005 --> 00:09:15,905
You mean a place
to get away from our wives?
240
00:09:15,907 --> 00:09:17,307
Preach!
241
00:09:17,309 --> 00:09:19,709
Wait, why do you need a place?
You're married to a guy.
242
00:09:19,711 --> 00:09:22,712
Your only problem is, do I
watch SportsCenter before,
243
00:09:22,714 --> 00:09:24,747
during or after sex?
244
00:09:24,749 --> 00:09:27,817
Uh, actually, it's-it's a little
more complicated than that.
245
00:09:27,819 --> 00:09:28,851
What do you mean?
246
00:09:28,853 --> 00:09:30,053
I mean, well, imagine...
247
00:09:30,055 --> 00:09:32,889
all of the wife
and none of the sex.
248
00:09:32,891 --> 00:09:35,458
Yeah, we don't need to imagine.
We're married, too.
249
00:09:35,460 --> 00:09:37,594
I don't know what you guys
are talking about.
250
00:09:37,596 --> 00:09:39,462
I get all the sex
I can handle.
251
00:09:39,464 --> 00:09:42,899
Which, at my age,
is about once a month.
252
00:09:42,901 --> 00:09:46,536
Can-can I share something
that doesn't leave this room?
253
00:09:46,538 --> 00:09:49,505
Yeah, sure. Oh, these guys know
that back when I was single...
254
00:09:49,507 --> 00:09:51,507
I used to bang his sister.
255
00:09:53,912 --> 00:09:56,379
Okay, here's the thing.
256
00:09:56,381 --> 00:09:58,214
I'm not gay.
257
00:09:59,184 --> 00:10:00,550
I-I married my best friend
258
00:10:00,552 --> 00:10:02,118
so I could adopt Louis.
259
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,419
Really?
260
00:10:03,421 --> 00:10:06,055
Then you shouldn't have any
of these problems.
261
00:10:06,057 --> 00:10:08,391
And yet I have all
of these problems.
262
00:10:08,393 --> 00:10:10,393
I mean, that's why
it's so great coming here.
263
00:10:10,395 --> 00:10:11,961
I get to get away from Alan.
264
00:10:11,963 --> 00:10:14,530
I mean, he wants
to do everything with me.
265
00:10:14,532 --> 00:10:18,067
He ordered a Groupon
for two-for-one prostate exams.
266
00:10:19,704 --> 00:10:21,304
Are your wives that clingy?
267
00:10:21,306 --> 00:10:23,706
Oh, yeah.
My wife just bought golf clubs
268
00:10:23,708 --> 00:10:26,075
so she could ruin golf for me.
269
00:10:26,077 --> 00:10:29,846
My wife's outside waiting
in the minivan.
270
00:10:29,848 --> 00:10:32,682
Yeah, even I have to get away
from Heidi every now and then.
271
00:10:32,684 --> 00:10:35,718
Do you know what
the worst "wife" thing is?
272
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,921
When you forget to ask them,
"How was your day?"
273
00:10:38,923 --> 00:10:40,189
Oh.
No, no,
274
00:10:40,191 --> 00:10:42,125
the worst thing
is when you ask Alan,
275
00:10:42,127 --> 00:10:44,927
"How was your day?"
and he answers.
276
00:10:46,131 --> 00:10:47,563
You know, it's funny--
I-I always thought
277
00:10:47,565 --> 00:10:49,432
being married to a guy
would be different.
278
00:10:49,434 --> 00:10:51,768
In some ways, it is.
I mean, uh... for example,
279
00:10:51,770 --> 00:10:53,569
I imagine that you guys enjoy it
280
00:10:53,571 --> 00:10:55,672
when you walk in
on your wives masturbating.
281
00:10:55,674 --> 00:10:57,206
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah...
282
00:10:57,208 --> 00:10:59,409
Oh, no!
283
00:11:00,412 --> 00:11:02,912
♪ Men. ♪
284
00:11:02,914 --> 00:11:05,448
Hey, there you are.
We didn't get to talk yesterday.
285
00:11:05,450 --> 00:11:11,728
How was your day?
286
00:11:11,730 --> 00:11:15,466
Oh, oh, it was the worst.
287
00:11:15,468 --> 00:11:17,135
but there must have been
30 of us.
288
00:11:17,137 --> 00:11:20,071
30? Wow, that's
an amazing end to that story.
289
00:11:20,073 --> 00:11:22,240
I wish. You know they don't
give you bags anymore?
290
00:11:22,242 --> 00:11:24,275
If you want a bag,
that's ten cents.
291
00:11:24,277 --> 00:11:26,310
Ten cents.
That's outrageous.
292
00:11:26,312 --> 00:11:27,812
That's six bruised peaches.
293
00:11:28,982 --> 00:11:30,581
Uh, anyway, so I-I
went out to the parking lot
294
00:11:30,583 --> 00:11:31,816
and there was a...
Alan, can...
295
00:11:31,818 --> 00:11:33,818
can we just jump to the end?
296
00:11:33,820 --> 00:11:36,154
She agreed not to press charges.
297
00:11:36,156 --> 00:11:40,424
Okay, that is the end to, like,
way too many of your stories.
298
00:11:40,426 --> 00:11:42,793
So, uh, how did your
foster dads group go?
299
00:11:42,795 --> 00:11:44,729
I-I texted you,
but you never answered.
300
00:11:44,731 --> 00:11:46,631
Really?
301
00:11:46,633 --> 00:11:49,100
I... That's...
I must not have gotten it.
302
00:11:49,102 --> 00:11:52,537
Are you sure? Uh, it says
it was read at 7:47.
303
00:11:53,907 --> 00:11:56,774
I guess it was ignored at 7:48.
304
00:11:56,776 --> 00:11:59,477
Dads group was really fun.
305
00:11:59,479 --> 00:12:01,245
Yeah, I think it's gonna be
really gonna helpful for Louis.
306
00:12:01,247 --> 00:12:03,214
Oh, great, great. Uh, when
are you gonna do it again?
307
00:12:03,216 --> 00:12:05,149
Uh... Well, you know,
I was gonna actually
308
00:12:05,151 --> 00:12:06,684
have the guys over tonight.
309
00:12:06,686 --> 00:12:09,220
Tonight? The place is a mess.
310
00:12:09,222 --> 00:12:11,622
And The Good Wife is on.
311
00:12:11,624 --> 00:12:12,857
Mmm.
312
00:12:12,859 --> 00:12:15,359
Well, I do want to meet
the guys, though.
313
00:12:15,361 --> 00:12:18,462
Oh. Well, you know, it's a...
it's actually, it's a pretty
314
00:12:18,464 --> 00:12:20,231
tight-knit group, so...
315
00:12:20,233 --> 00:12:22,366
I don't think people
will be able to open up
316
00:12:22,368 --> 00:12:23,868
if there's a stranger around.
Besides, don't...
317
00:12:23,870 --> 00:12:25,870
don't you and Ms. McMartin
have a thing tonight?
318
00:12:25,872 --> 00:12:28,306
Nope. Uh-uh.
Free as a boner in sweat pants.
319
00:12:28,308 --> 00:12:30,208
No. Come on.
320
00:12:30,210 --> 00:12:33,044
You deserve a thing, so...
321
00:12:33,046 --> 00:12:34,545
here.
322
00:12:34,547 --> 00:12:36,814
Well, I-I do deserve a thing.
323
00:12:36,816 --> 00:12:38,115
Hey, hey--
you only give me money
324
00:12:38,117 --> 00:12:39,350
when you're trying
to get rid of me.
325
00:12:39,352 --> 00:12:42,520
No, I don't.
Here, take more money.
326
00:12:43,523 --> 00:12:45,489
Wait, hold on.
Do you...
327
00:12:45,491 --> 00:12:47,191
do you not want me
around tonight?
328
00:12:47,193 --> 00:12:49,694
No, it's just... it's just...
329
00:12:49,696 --> 00:12:51,395
I had fun last night,
330
00:12:51,397 --> 00:12:53,965
and I want to have fun
again tonight.
331
00:12:53,967 --> 00:12:57,201
I see. And Webster's
defines fun as having
332
00:12:57,203 --> 00:13:00,338
or pertaining to
the absence of Alan.
333
00:13:00,340 --> 00:13:03,140
From the Latin:
hurticus feelingsmus.
334
00:13:03,142 --> 00:13:05,843
Okay, are you really asking
why I don't want you around
335
00:13:05,845 --> 00:13:07,411
while you're talking like that?
336
00:13:07,413 --> 00:13:08,846
Oh, so you really
don't want me around?
337
00:13:08,848 --> 00:13:12,216
Yes, or as defined
in Webster's, affirmative.
338
00:13:12,218 --> 00:13:13,951
Don't take my dictionary thing.
Well,
339
00:13:13,953 --> 00:13:15,786
at least you have a thing.
340
00:13:15,788 --> 00:13:17,321
I don't have anything
for myself.
341
00:13:17,323 --> 00:13:19,957
I mean, every time
I turn around, there you are.
342
00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:23,694
Oh, what? Let's just do it.
Look, oh, there you are.
343
00:13:23,696 --> 00:13:26,030
Well, I'm sorry
if my presence offends you.
344
00:13:26,032 --> 00:13:27,398
If bags weren't
ten cents apiece,
345
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,633
I'd put one over my head.
346
00:13:28,635 --> 00:13:31,736
Listen, I just want
one thing for myself.
347
00:13:31,738 --> 00:13:34,338
One thing where
you're not around.
348
00:13:34,340 --> 00:13:35,840
Is that too much to ask?
349
00:13:35,842 --> 00:13:38,242
Fine. If that's
how you feel, you know,
350
00:13:38,244 --> 00:13:42,146
have your stupid little group
all to yourself in our house.
351
00:13:42,148 --> 00:13:45,783
But don't expect me to wait
to watch The Good Wife.
352
00:13:47,185 --> 00:13:49,045
♪ Men. ♪
353
00:13:55,185 --> 00:13:57,352
♪ Men. ♪
354
00:13:57,354 --> 00:14:00,288
And here's a picture of Heidi
on a nude beach in Cancún.
355
00:14:00,290 --> 00:14:03,658
Whoa. I can
see her can.
356
00:14:03,660 --> 00:14:06,194
And her cún.
357
00:14:10,867 --> 00:14:12,300
Alan?
358
00:14:13,170 --> 00:14:14,769
I thought you had a thing.
359
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:17,172
Well, if you saw my feet
after the paraffin dip,
360
00:14:17,174 --> 00:14:19,274
you'd know I already
had my thing.
361
00:14:20,978 --> 00:14:23,545
Don't worry, I won't spoil
your little party.
362
00:14:23,547 --> 00:14:26,348
You must be the dads
who are part of the group.
363
00:14:27,384 --> 00:14:29,684
I'm the dad who's
not part of the group.
364
00:14:29,686 --> 00:14:32,621
And here we go.
365
00:14:34,358 --> 00:14:36,591
Hey, hey, why don't...
why don't you have a beer?
366
00:14:36,593 --> 00:14:39,094
Oh, no, I'll be in my room.
I can amuse myself.
367
00:14:39,096 --> 00:14:41,730
I have a half bag
of Cheetos and a radio.
368
00:14:48,005 --> 00:14:50,872
Oh, hey, hey, come on, man.
369
00:14:50,874 --> 00:14:54,743
No. Please stay.
370
00:14:54,745 --> 00:14:58,280
Well, when the boss says jump,
I say how... Hi. I'm Alan.
371
00:14:58,282 --> 00:15:00,115
Wow, what a fun way
to meet someone.
372
00:15:00,117 --> 00:15:01,783
Here you go.
There you go.
373
00:15:01,785 --> 00:15:04,119
Oh. Thank you, thank you.
So, uh, so what's going on?
374
00:15:04,121 --> 00:15:06,721
Or-Or should I say whassup?!
375
00:15:06,723 --> 00:15:08,490
You remember
that?
376
00:15:08,492 --> 00:15:10,091
You guys... You guys
remember that? Remember?
377
00:15:10,093 --> 00:15:12,727
Whassup?!
378
00:15:12,729 --> 00:15:17,165
That is the whitest guy
I have ever seen.
379
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:18,800
Wait, wait, is that
all you're serving?
380
00:15:18,802 --> 00:15:21,102
Chips? Not even
in a bowl?
381
00:15:21,104 --> 00:15:22,404
You should be embarrassed.
382
00:15:22,406 --> 00:15:25,040
Oh, trust me, I'm embarrassed.
383
00:15:25,942 --> 00:15:27,742
Look, nobody cares.
384
00:15:27,744 --> 00:15:29,644
Alan seems to care,
and you care
385
00:15:29,646 --> 00:15:31,212
about Alan's feelings,
don't you?
386
00:15:31,214 --> 00:15:33,948
Ooh, I like him.
Two points for the silver fox.
387
00:15:35,319 --> 00:15:37,252
Maybe I'll just, uh,
throw together some nachos.
388
00:15:37,254 --> 00:15:39,554
We're fine. The...
Hey, I don't want you
389
00:15:39,556 --> 00:15:42,257
to go to all the trouble.
See? I'm thinking about you.
390
00:15:42,259 --> 00:15:44,225
It's no trouble.
It's just, uh, chips, uh...
391
00:15:44,227 --> 00:15:47,529
guacamole, uh,
jalapeños and, uh, queso fresco.
392
00:15:48,899 --> 00:15:50,298
My wife's idea
of nachos
393
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:52,767
is just dumping
some salsa on chips.
394
00:15:52,769 --> 00:15:55,236
Well, I'm nacho
average wife.
395
00:15:58,508 --> 00:16:00,141
♪ Men. ♪
396
00:16:00,143 --> 00:16:02,410
So this guy--
I bail him out completely,
397
00:16:02,412 --> 00:16:03,745
agree to marry him,
398
00:16:03,747 --> 00:16:05,580
and guess what we do
on our wedding night.
399
00:16:05,582 --> 00:16:08,483
I-I don't need to hear that.
No judgment.
400
00:16:08,485 --> 00:16:10,819
Nothing.
We came straight home.
401
00:16:10,821 --> 00:16:12,454
Same place we went
on our honeymoon.
402
00:16:12,456 --> 00:16:15,890
The guy has a jet.
How hard is it to go to Aruba?
403
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:16,791
Jamaica.
404
00:16:16,793 --> 00:16:18,626
♪ Ooh, I wanna take you ♪
405
00:16:18,628 --> 00:16:19,694
♪ To Bermuda ♪
406
00:16:19,696 --> 00:16:22,831
♪ Bahama, come on,
pretty mama ♪
407
00:16:22,833 --> 00:16:24,733
♪ Key Largo, Montego ♪
408
00:16:24,735 --> 00:16:26,816
♪ Baby, why don't we go ♪
409
00:16:26,839 --> 00:16:28,839
♪ Ooh, I want to take you
down to Kokomo ♪
410
00:16:28,972 --> 00:16:30,672
♪ We'll get there fast ♪
411
00:16:30,674 --> 00:16:32,707
♪ And then we'll take it slow ♪
412
00:16:32,709 --> 00:16:36,544
♪ That's where we want to go ♪
413
00:16:36,546 --> 00:16:38,780
♪ Way down in Kokomo ♪
414
00:16:38,782 --> 00:16:40,115
♪ Martinique ♪
415
00:16:40,117 --> 00:16:41,950
♪ That Monserrat mystique. ♪
416
00:16:45,555 --> 00:16:46,955
That is my jam,
417
00:16:46,957 --> 00:16:48,823
and y'all are my bitches.
418
00:16:48,825 --> 00:16:51,126
♪ Men. ♪
419
00:16:55,832 --> 00:16:57,165
What the hell are you doing?
420
00:16:57,167 --> 00:17:00,335
I'm just being a fun guy.
What are you doing?
421
00:17:00,337 --> 00:17:03,872
You're about as much fun
as the polyp in Rick's colon.
422
00:17:03,874 --> 00:17:05,540
You're doing exactly what
I thought you would.
423
00:17:05,542 --> 00:17:06,941
You're taking
my friends.
424
00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:08,610
Just like you
take everything.
425
00:17:08,612 --> 00:17:10,478
You took my house,
you took my money,
426
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,081
you even took my old jeans
and turned 'em into cutoffs.
427
00:17:13,083 --> 00:17:15,648
They're called jorts,
and they look great on me.
428
00:17:15,786 --> 00:17:17,552
Okay, you knew I didn't
want you here
429
00:17:17,554 --> 00:17:19,587
and you said you
weren't gonna be here,
430
00:17:19,589 --> 00:17:20,889
yet here you are
431
00:17:20,891 --> 00:17:22,323
with your...
guacamole
432
00:17:22,325 --> 00:17:24,793
and your fresco queso.
433
00:17:24,795 --> 00:17:26,415
It's queso fresco.
434
00:17:26,439 --> 00:17:28,297
You do not correct me
when I'm mocking you.
435
00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:29,731
You know what? You know what?
I think...
436
00:17:29,733 --> 00:17:31,800
I think that the reason
that you didn't want me here
437
00:17:31,802 --> 00:17:32,934
is because you were afraid
438
00:17:32,936 --> 00:17:34,669
that they were gonna
like me better than you.
439
00:17:34,671 --> 00:17:37,205
Okay, I can honestly
say that I have never
440
00:17:37,207 --> 00:17:39,507
had that thought
in my life.
441
00:17:39,509 --> 00:17:41,509
Everything
okay in here?
442
00:17:43,947 --> 00:17:45,780
Well, am I allowed
443
00:17:45,782 --> 00:17:48,116
to answer your
friends, Walden?
444
00:17:48,118 --> 00:17:50,018
I'm sorry you guys
had to see this.
445
00:17:50,020 --> 00:17:52,287
Oh, come on,
we've all been there.
446
00:17:52,289 --> 00:17:54,556
I mean, just a while back,
Jack's wife chased him
447
00:17:54,558 --> 00:17:56,724
around his house
with a steak knife.
448
00:17:56,726 --> 00:17:58,560
Trust me, I was
in no danger.
449
00:17:58,562 --> 00:18:01,763
She couldn't use a kitchen
utensil to save her life.
450
00:18:01,765 --> 00:18:03,798
We can help you
work though this.
451
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,266
That's what
the group is for.
452
00:18:05,268 --> 00:18:06,601
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah,
453
00:18:06,603 --> 00:18:09,103
hey, why don't we
do some role playing?
454
00:18:09,105 --> 00:18:10,905
Okay, you're...
you're, uh, Alan,
455
00:18:10,907 --> 00:18:13,741
and you just
found out that Walden
456
00:18:13,743 --> 00:18:16,077
doesn't want you
around his friends.
457
00:18:16,079 --> 00:18:18,213
Fine. Thank
you, Walden,
458
00:18:18,215 --> 00:18:20,615
for letting me live
here rent-free.
459
00:18:20,617 --> 00:18:23,518
Despite not contributing
anything to this household,
460
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,087
I ignore even your
most basic requests.
461
00:18:26,089 --> 00:18:27,722
Um...
You're not really supposed to use this
462
00:18:27,724 --> 00:18:29,157
to attack.
Wait,
463
00:18:29,159 --> 00:18:30,692
hold on. Hold on,
hold on, hold on.
464
00:18:30,694 --> 00:18:32,260
I'm Walden, and I get off
465
00:18:32,262 --> 00:18:34,095
on making Alan
feel bad about himself.
466
00:18:34,097 --> 00:18:37,665
Well, I'm Alan, and I
get off on everything.
467
00:18:37,667 --> 00:18:39,133
Including the
stock photos
468
00:18:39,135 --> 00:18:41,536
that come from the picture
frames from Target.
469
00:18:41,538 --> 00:18:44,439
That was one time.
The Internet was down,
470
00:18:44,441 --> 00:18:46,875
and-and she reminded me
of a girl I knew in high school.
471
00:18:46,877 --> 00:18:50,044
Yeah, we've all been there.
Sears catalog.
472
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,379
Neiman Marcus.
473
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:54,382
The Indian girl
from the Land O'Lakes box.
474
00:18:55,685 --> 00:18:58,553
Okay, you know what, I'm sick
of having the same fight
475
00:18:58,555 --> 00:18:59,754
over and over again.
476
00:18:59,756 --> 00:19:02,056
You know, why do we
keep doing this?
477
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,325
'Cause you love him
and he loves you.
478
00:19:04,327 --> 00:19:06,661
Also, where am I?
479
00:19:06,663 --> 00:19:09,497
Oh, hey, Brian, I know you've
been asleep for a few meetings,
480
00:19:09,499 --> 00:19:11,866
but Walden told us
they're not actually gay.
481
00:19:11,868 --> 00:19:14,235
I know they're not gay.
I said they love each other.
482
00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:15,703
It's the only thing
that can explain
483
00:19:15,705 --> 00:19:17,672
why they make
each other so crazy.
484
00:19:18,875 --> 00:19:21,976
You chose to adopt this kid
together for a reason.
485
00:19:21,978 --> 00:19:23,645
Why don't you talk about that?
486
00:19:24,981 --> 00:19:27,615
Oh, God, my wife
said the twins are sick.
487
00:19:27,617 --> 00:19:29,150
I got to go.
488
00:19:29,152 --> 00:19:31,519
Back to sleep.
489
00:19:31,521 --> 00:19:34,889
By the way,
not cool about my sister.
490
00:19:34,891 --> 00:19:36,991
No judgment?
491
00:19:38,528 --> 00:19:41,696
I'm Alan.
492
00:19:41,698 --> 00:19:44,899
And I'm always there for Walden
whenever he needs me the most.
493
00:19:46,303 --> 00:19:48,369
And I do look good in jorts.
494
00:19:49,339 --> 00:19:52,907
And my nachos
are restaurant quality.
495
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:57,011
Well, I'm Walden, and, uh,
496
00:19:57,013 --> 00:20:00,415
I've been the best friend
that Alan's ever had.
497
00:20:00,417 --> 00:20:02,383
And also,
498
00:20:02,385 --> 00:20:03,851
I'm not angry about the 20s
499
00:20:03,853 --> 00:20:06,354
he occasionally steals
from my wallet.
500
00:20:06,356 --> 00:20:08,623
I'm sorry I said
I didn't want you around.
501
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,525
I'm sorry I was smothering you.
502
00:20:10,527 --> 00:20:12,026
Oh... Bring it in.
I'm s...
503
00:20:12,028 --> 00:20:13,861
Come on.
504
00:20:15,999 --> 00:20:17,265
Hey, hey...
505
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:18,733
You know where we should go?
506
00:20:19,669 --> 00:20:22,003
♪ Bermuda, Bahama ♪
507
00:20:22,005 --> 00:20:24,872
♪ Come on, pretty mama ♪
508
00:20:24,874 --> 00:20:27,241
♪ To Key Largo, Montego,
baby why don't we go? ♪
509
00:20:27,243 --> 00:20:29,844
Wait, are you really taking me to...
No.
510
00:20:29,846 --> 00:20:33,081
♪ The Florida Keys,
there's a place called Koko... ♪
511
00:20:33,083 --> 00:20:35,016
♪ Men. ♪
512
00:20:40,417 --> 00:20:42,584
♪ Men. ♪
I just want to tell you guys,
513
00:20:42,586 --> 00:20:44,285
I love being
a part of this group.
514
00:20:45,363 --> 00:20:46,996
And we love
having you, Alan.
515
00:20:46,998 --> 00:20:48,865
Oh, well, thank you.
So, as I was saying,
516
00:20:48,867 --> 00:20:50,567
why is it that
I'm willing to take
517
00:20:50,569 --> 00:20:52,202
three hours to make him dinner
518
00:20:52,204 --> 00:20:55,038
and he won't take three seconds
to tell me what he wants?
519
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:57,473
Speaking of three seconds,
can we talk about the sex?
520
00:20:57,475 --> 00:20:59,275
At least you're
having sex, sister.
521
00:21:01,939 --> 00:21:08,439
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net