1
00:00:01,915 --> 00:00:03,382
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:03,384 --> 00:00:04,550
Okay, here it is.
3
00:00:04,552 --> 00:00:06,385
This is Louis' first
science fair project.
4
00:00:06,387 --> 00:00:07,319
You're gonna love it.
5
00:00:07,321 --> 00:00:08,520
Wow.
6
00:00:08,522 --> 00:00:10,322
Louis made this all by himself.
7
00:00:10,324 --> 00:00:11,757
Last time I was here,
8
00:00:11,759 --> 00:00:14,660
he got the straw from his
juice box stuck in his nose.
9
00:00:14,662 --> 00:00:17,296
He also got it unstuck.
10
00:00:18,398 --> 00:00:19,732
Uh, check it out.
11
00:00:19,734 --> 00:00:22,301
So, uh, so we'll take
a piece of bread, all right?
12
00:00:22,303 --> 00:00:24,403
Put it in the mouth,
13
00:00:24,405 --> 00:00:26,505
where the saliva will
start to dissolve the bread.
14
00:00:26,507 --> 00:00:28,140
And then it'll travel
down to the stomach,
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00:00:28,142 --> 00:00:32,111
where the acids will break down
the complex carbohydrates.
16
00:00:32,113 --> 00:00:34,480
At which point it will
move past the appendix,
17
00:00:34,482 --> 00:00:36,782
which does nothing.
18
00:00:36,784 --> 00:00:38,851
Yeah, we should rename
that the Alan.
19
00:00:38,853 --> 00:00:41,620
Uh, and then it'll go
to the small intestines,
20
00:00:41,622 --> 00:00:43,255
the large intestines,
where finally...
21
00:00:43,257 --> 00:00:44,590
(imitates flatulence)
22
00:00:47,694 --> 00:00:49,461
Oh, dear God.
23
00:00:49,463 --> 00:00:50,963
Uh, no, it's okay,
it's a Hershey's Kiss.
24
00:00:50,965 --> 00:00:52,097
Okay.
25
00:00:52,099 --> 00:00:55,567
So the reason I came
over is to tell you--
26
00:00:55,569 --> 00:00:57,202
we are ready to start
the final steps
27
00:00:57,204 --> 00:00:59,238
for you to officially
adopt Louis.
28
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,441
Oh, my God, I'm gonna
Hershey's Kiss my pants.
29
00:01:02,443 --> 00:01:05,277
But before the
adoption is final,
30
00:01:05,279 --> 00:01:07,713
I want you to tell Louis
you two aren't gay.
31
00:01:07,715 --> 00:01:10,082
Are you sure that this is
the best time to do that?
32
00:01:10,084 --> 00:01:11,383
I mean, I haven't even
talked to him
33
00:01:11,385 --> 00:01:12,718
about the birds
and the bees,
34
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:14,520
let alone the bees
and the bees.
35
00:01:14,522 --> 00:01:16,855
I know there is never
a perfect time
36
00:01:16,857 --> 00:01:20,059
to tell your son his two dads
aren't gay...
37
00:01:21,327 --> 00:01:23,929
...but it'll be more harmful
the longer you wait.
38
00:01:23,931 --> 00:01:25,864
Yeah, but it's just,
like, h-how do I tell him?
39
00:01:25,866 --> 00:01:28,233
Um, does Hallmark make
a "Sorry, son,
40
00:01:28,235 --> 00:01:30,169
it turns out
I'm straight" card?
41
00:01:30,171 --> 00:01:31,937
You've been a fantastic father
so far.
42
00:01:31,939 --> 00:01:33,439
I am confident
you will handle this
43
00:01:33,441 --> 00:01:34,840
with the utmost attention
and care.
44
00:01:34,842 --> 00:01:35,874
ALAN:
Walden?
45
00:01:35,876 --> 00:01:37,943
Him I'm worried about.
46
00:01:37,945 --> 00:01:39,044
Sorry I'm late.
47
00:01:39,046 --> 00:01:40,212
Uh, I took Louis
to the mall
48
00:01:40,214 --> 00:01:41,447
to get him some
new school clothes.
49
00:01:41,449 --> 00:01:42,881
He's trying them on
right now.
50
00:01:42,883 --> 00:01:46,151
Plus there was a new kiosk
that will bedazzle anything.
51
00:01:46,153 --> 00:01:48,554
Got an iPhone case for my boo.
52
00:01:49,622 --> 00:01:52,057
Now, I'm gonna bedazzle
your cheek with some sugar.
53
00:01:52,059 --> 00:01:53,292
(chuckles dryly)
54
00:01:53,294 --> 00:01:57,329
Alan, as your social worker,
I cannot accept gifts.
55
00:01:57,331 --> 00:01:59,398
And as your "boo,"
hell no.
56
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:02,801
I can't believe
I'm just realizing this,
57
00:02:02,803 --> 00:02:05,170
but the perfect person
to date a social worker
58
00:02:05,172 --> 00:02:06,772
is a needy child.
59
00:02:06,774 --> 00:02:09,141
We were just discussing
that it would be
60
00:02:09,143 --> 00:02:10,943
in the best interest
of Louis to tell him
61
00:02:10,945 --> 00:02:12,578
you two aren't actually gay.
62
00:02:12,580 --> 00:02:14,646
Oh, I agree
100 percent.
63
00:02:14,648 --> 00:02:16,949
I mean, it's not like anyone was
buying either one of us
64
00:02:16,951 --> 00:02:18,584
as a gay man anyway.
65
00:02:18,586 --> 00:02:21,420
Ooh, that top is
fierce, girl. Rawr.
66
00:02:22,889 --> 00:02:25,424
Louis, could you come
in here for a second?
67
00:02:25,426 --> 00:02:26,859
Oh, oh, we're doing
it right now?
68
00:02:26,861 --> 00:02:30,629
(sighs) It will be such a relief
to discontinue this charade.
69
00:02:35,735 --> 00:02:37,503
What are you wearing?
70
00:02:37,505 --> 00:02:41,840
Alan says between business
casual and country club chic.
71
00:02:41,842 --> 00:02:43,142
Now turn around.
72
00:02:46,579 --> 00:02:49,314
He's "bedazzle-ous."
73
00:02:50,183 --> 00:02:51,783
Okay, should we
tell him now?
74
00:02:51,785 --> 00:02:54,286
I don't think
he's gonna believe us.
75
00:02:55,855 --> 00:02:58,657
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
76
00:02:58,659 --> 00:02:59,905
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
77
00:02:59,906 --> 00:03:03,906
♪ Two and a Half Men 12x12 ♪
A Beer-Battered Rip-Off
Original Air Date on Janu
78
00:03:03,907 --> 00:03:08,907
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
79
00:03:08,932 --> 00:03:10,599
♪ Men. ♪
80
00:03:10,601 --> 00:03:12,134
Oh, hey, Berta.
81
00:03:12,136 --> 00:03:14,136
I talked to Louis.
82
00:03:14,138 --> 00:03:16,305
He said you guys told him
you're not gay.
83
00:03:16,307 --> 00:03:17,439
(door bell rings)
84
00:03:17,441 --> 00:03:19,775
Yeah, we didn't want
to lie to him anymore.
85
00:03:19,777 --> 00:03:21,911
So now you're just
lying to yourself.
86
00:03:27,517 --> 00:03:30,119
Lyndsey?
87
00:03:30,121 --> 00:03:32,855
Hi, Alan. Can we talk?
Sure, come on in.
88
00:03:32,857 --> 00:03:34,957
Uh, can I give you
a hand with your box?
89
00:03:34,959 --> 00:03:37,493
Boy, I haven't said that
to you in a while.
90
00:03:37,495 --> 00:03:39,762
I'll say to you now
what I said to you then.
91
00:03:39,764 --> 00:03:41,430
It's easier
if I just do it myself.
92
00:03:41,432 --> 00:03:43,799
I was cleaning out
my house,
93
00:03:43,801 --> 00:03:45,367
and I found some
of your old things.
94
00:03:45,369 --> 00:03:47,403
Oh, look at
this stuff.
95
00:03:47,405 --> 00:03:49,572
Oh, here's a picture from
our Caribbean vacation.
96
00:03:49,574 --> 00:03:52,041
Oh, remember how I got
stung by that jellyfish?
97
00:03:52,043 --> 00:03:56,078
Of course I do-- you made me pee
on you to neutralize the pain.
98
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,647
Seems like you got stung
a lot on that vacation.
99
00:03:59,482 --> 00:04:00,783
Did I?
100
00:04:00,785 --> 00:04:01,750
Wow!
101
00:04:01,752 --> 00:04:02,752
Oh, look.
102
00:04:02,753 --> 00:04:04,019
Wow, my old boom box.
103
00:04:04,021 --> 00:04:07,389
Oh, and it still has that
mix CD I made for us.
104
00:04:07,391 --> 00:04:10,259
"Now That's What I Call
Nasty, Volume 69."
105
00:04:10,261 --> 00:04:11,660
♪ A little bit of Mary ♪
106
00:04:11,662 --> 00:04:13,162
Ah!
♪ All night long ♪
107
00:04:13,164 --> 00:04:15,297
♪ A little bit of Jessica,
here I am ♪
108
00:04:15,299 --> 00:04:17,433
♪ A little bit of you
makes me your man... ♪
109
00:04:17,435 --> 00:04:18,801
"Mambo No. 5."
110
00:04:18,803 --> 00:04:20,402
(turns off music)
111
00:04:20,404 --> 00:04:22,571
How did I ever let you
make love to me
112
00:04:22,573 --> 00:04:24,273
while you sang
other women's names?
113
00:04:24,275 --> 00:04:27,509
Be fair, you used to
scream other guys' names.
114
00:04:27,511 --> 00:04:30,145
Anyway, I didn't come by
just to bring you your stuff.
115
00:04:30,147 --> 00:04:34,283
I also wanted to tell you
that I've decided to move away.
116
00:04:34,285 --> 00:04:35,784
Get a fresh start.
117
00:04:35,786 --> 00:04:36,786
What?
118
00:04:36,787 --> 00:04:38,220
Uh, wh-where's
this coming from?
119
00:04:38,222 --> 00:04:40,656
I've been thinking about it
for a while,
120
00:04:40,658 --> 00:04:42,524
and there's nothing for me here.
121
00:04:42,526 --> 00:04:44,226
I mean, most of my memories
involve a time
122
00:04:44,228 --> 00:04:46,362
when I was drinking
really heavily,
123
00:04:46,364 --> 00:04:47,429
and those aren't pretty.
124
00:04:47,431 --> 00:04:49,431
I mean, the bar
by my house has a drink
125
00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:50,833
called "The Lyndsey Special."
126
00:04:50,835 --> 00:04:52,701
It's a bottle of Merlot,
a shot of vodka
127
00:04:52,703 --> 00:04:55,738
and a scrunchie to hold your
hair back while you throw up.
128
00:04:55,740 --> 00:04:57,840
So where do you think
you're gonna go?
129
00:04:57,842 --> 00:05:00,309
Well, I have family
in Arizona, so...
130
00:05:00,311 --> 00:05:02,478
not there.
131
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,680
Ah, you know, I just,
I can't believe it.
132
00:05:04,682 --> 00:05:07,116
I mean, well, I hope you don't
forget about me completely.
133
00:05:07,118 --> 00:05:09,485
You're a hard person
to forget, Alan Harper.
134
00:05:09,487 --> 00:05:10,452
I've tried.
135
00:05:10,454 --> 00:05:12,121
Hence, "The Lyndsey Special."
136
00:05:12,123 --> 00:05:13,422
Mm.
137
00:05:13,424 --> 00:05:15,357
Anyway, I just wanted
to let you know.
138
00:05:15,359 --> 00:05:17,292
This is gonna
be so strange.
139
00:05:17,294 --> 00:05:18,727
I mean, even when
we weren't together,
140
00:05:18,729 --> 00:05:20,596
it was nice knowing
you were nearby.
141
00:05:20,598 --> 00:05:21,964
Ah, I know what you mean.
142
00:05:21,966 --> 00:05:23,932
Well, this is it.
143
00:05:23,934 --> 00:05:25,000
Good-bye, Alan.
144
00:05:25,002 --> 00:05:26,335
Good-bye, Lyndsey.
145
00:05:26,337 --> 00:05:28,470
(both chuckle)
146
00:05:28,472 --> 00:05:31,473
Are we really not gonna talk
about the 20 bucks you owe me?
147
00:05:33,643 --> 00:05:35,077
I am really
gonna miss you.
148
00:05:35,079 --> 00:05:36,845
I'll miss you, too.
149
00:05:43,486 --> 00:05:44,787
Let's go
to your room.
150
00:05:44,789 --> 00:05:46,121
Okay, great.
151
00:05:46,123 --> 00:05:47,956
Ow!
What's wrong?
152
00:05:47,958 --> 00:05:50,192
I just got stung by a jellyfish
earlier, that's all.
153
00:05:50,194 --> 00:05:52,227
♪ Men. ♪
154
00:05:52,229 --> 00:05:54,163
♪ ...Jessica, here I am ♪
155
00:05:54,165 --> 00:05:56,965
♪ A little bit of you
makes me your... ♪
156
00:05:56,967 --> 00:05:59,301
Yeah, still got it.
157
00:05:59,303 --> 00:06:02,204
Sex is very different
when you're sober.
158
00:06:02,206 --> 00:06:04,440
Now I really know
how long two minutes is.
159
00:06:04,442 --> 00:06:05,874
It was a special occasion.
160
00:06:05,876 --> 00:06:07,509
I wanted to give you
a little something extra.
161
00:06:07,511 --> 00:06:09,478
Well, thank you.
162
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,747
This puts a nice cap
on our relationship.
163
00:06:12,582 --> 00:06:14,216
Wait.
164
00:06:14,218 --> 00:06:16,652
I can't have this be
the last time we make love.
165
00:06:16,654 --> 00:06:19,121
The last time I put
on your panties.
166
00:06:19,123 --> 00:06:21,423
The last time you say,
"No, not there,"
167
00:06:21,425 --> 00:06:23,826
and I pretend
I was just confused.
168
00:06:23,828 --> 00:06:25,360
Look, I'm not saying
I won't miss you,
169
00:06:25,362 --> 00:06:26,862
but the fact is
you're married.
170
00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:28,297
You're about to adopt a child.
171
00:06:28,299 --> 00:06:29,498
That's my point.
172
00:06:29,500 --> 00:06:31,567
The adoption is almost final,
and when it is,
173
00:06:31,569 --> 00:06:33,502
Walden and I will get a divorce.
174
00:06:33,504 --> 00:06:36,872
And I misspelled my name
on the prenup.
175
00:06:37,907 --> 00:06:40,209
We'll live like kings.
176
00:06:40,211 --> 00:06:42,277
Are you really
asking me to stay?
177
00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:45,280
Yes, I mean, we've shared
so much over the years.
178
00:06:45,282 --> 00:06:46,915
We can't just
throw it away like a...
179
00:06:46,917 --> 00:06:48,884
a long-running hit
television show
180
00:06:48,886 --> 00:06:51,320
that still pulls in
a pretty decent audience.
181
00:06:53,123 --> 00:06:55,157
I suppose it is something
to think about.
182
00:06:55,159 --> 00:06:57,192
I mean, for the first time
in a long time,
183
00:06:57,194 --> 00:06:59,128
neither one of us
is seeing anybody else.
184
00:06:59,130 --> 00:07:01,864
Hey, do you need a
bedazzled iPhone case?
185
00:07:01,866 --> 00:07:04,566
Wait, are you
seeing someone?
186
00:07:04,568 --> 00:07:07,269
(scoffs) Yeah, yeah,
Alan Harper has two girlfriends.
187
00:07:07,271 --> 00:07:08,271
(chuckles)
188
00:07:08,272 --> 00:07:09,438
What else do I have?
189
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:10,773
Good credit? Health insurance?
190
00:07:10,775 --> 00:07:12,040
A job?
191
00:07:14,210 --> 00:07:15,677
This is a lot
to think about.
192
00:07:15,679 --> 00:07:16,712
I'm gonna need
some time.
193
00:07:16,714 --> 00:07:18,480
Of course,
take all the time you need.
194
00:07:18,482 --> 00:07:20,282
Okay.
195
00:07:20,284 --> 00:07:21,784
Look, I really do
need to go.
196
00:07:21,786 --> 00:07:23,485
And I really do need
my panties back.
197
00:07:23,487 --> 00:07:24,353
Oh.
198
00:07:24,355 --> 00:07:26,088
♪ Men. ♪
199
00:07:26,090 --> 00:07:27,489
LYNDSEY:
Hey, Walden.
200
00:07:28,391 --> 00:07:29,691
Lyndsey?
201
00:07:29,693 --> 00:07:32,261
Uh, are you coming out
of Alan's room?
202
00:07:32,263 --> 00:07:33,328
Uh-huh.
203
00:07:33,330 --> 00:07:34,363
You drinking again?
204
00:07:34,365 --> 00:07:36,064
Do I need to take you
to a meeting?
205
00:07:36,066 --> 00:07:38,000
No, still sober.
206
00:07:38,002 --> 00:07:41,036
But I should apologize
for sleeping with your husband.
207
00:07:41,038 --> 00:07:42,738
Not the first time
I've said that.
208
00:07:42,740 --> 00:07:43,740
See ya.
209
00:07:43,741 --> 00:07:45,574
So, okay.
(mumbles)
210
00:07:45,576 --> 00:07:47,109
Alan!
211
00:07:48,611 --> 00:07:49,812
Yeah?
212
00:07:49,814 --> 00:07:51,780
Are you having sex with Lyndsey
213
00:07:51,782 --> 00:07:54,149
while you're sleeping
with our social worker?
214
00:07:54,151 --> 00:07:57,820
Yeah, my pimp hand is strong.
215
00:07:57,822 --> 00:07:59,888
No, it's not!
216
00:07:59,890 --> 00:08:01,890
Look, look, this thing
with Lyndsey just happened.
217
00:08:01,892 --> 00:08:04,193
A-And, honestly,
I-I'm glad it did.
218
00:08:04,195 --> 00:08:06,361
I-I really want her
to give us another shot.
219
00:08:06,363 --> 00:08:07,863
Wh about Ms. McMartin?!
220
00:08:07,865 --> 00:08:09,498
Oh, we're not
that serious.
221
00:08:09,500 --> 00:08:11,767
Plus, she doesn't get me
like Lyndsey gets me.
222
00:08:11,769 --> 00:08:13,602
When I try to put
Ms. McMartin's panties on,
223
00:08:13,604 --> 00:08:15,637
she looks at me like
I'm some kind of weirdo.
224
00:08:15,639 --> 00:08:18,373
Kind of like how I'm looking
at you right now?!
225
00:08:18,375 --> 00:08:20,342
Look, I'm gonna see
Ms. McMartin tonight,
226
00:08:20,344 --> 00:08:21,543
and I-I'll tell her
it's over.
227
00:08:21,545 --> 00:08:24,079
She's gonna be upset--
nobody likes getting dumped.
228
00:08:24,081 --> 00:08:25,380
Oh, she'll be fine.
229
00:08:25,382 --> 00:08:27,082
I mean, you've seen
how she looks at me.
230
00:08:27,084 --> 00:08:28,084
That's not love.
231
00:08:28,085 --> 00:08:29,085
That's not even like.
232
00:08:29,086 --> 00:08:30,752
That's-- if we run
into anyone I know,
233
00:08:30,754 --> 00:08:32,154
I'm pretending that
you're my slow brother.
234
00:08:32,156 --> 00:08:33,989
Alan?
Mm-hmm.
235
00:08:33,991 --> 00:08:37,659
I want you to get your penis
out of my business.
236
00:08:37,661 --> 00:08:40,762
Change "business"
to "turkey,"
237
00:08:40,764 --> 00:08:41,997
uh, and it's the story
238
00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:44,800
of how a 13-year-old boy named
Alan ruined Thanksgiving.
239
00:08:46,870 --> 00:08:49,271
♪ Men. ♪
240
00:08:49,273 --> 00:08:50,873
What looks good?
241
00:08:50,875 --> 00:08:52,574
And don't say
my boobs.
242
00:08:52,576 --> 00:08:53,576
Cute.
243
00:08:53,577 --> 00:08:54,577
Funny.
244
00:08:54,578 --> 00:08:56,612
Boobs.
245
00:08:56,614 --> 00:08:58,247
Um, can we talk?
246
00:08:58,249 --> 00:08:59,381
What's wrong?
247
00:08:59,383 --> 00:09:00,415
Is it the restaurant?
248
00:09:00,417 --> 00:09:01,617
It's not
too pricy, is it?
249
00:09:01,619 --> 00:09:03,385
It only had
one dollar sign on Yelp.
250
00:09:03,387 --> 00:09:04,953
N-N-No, it's not that.
251
00:09:04,955 --> 00:09:07,589
Um, although,
$14 for tilapia?
252
00:09:07,591 --> 00:09:09,791
Sounds to me like a
beer-battered rip-off.
253
00:09:09,793 --> 00:09:11,059
Then what's going on?
254
00:09:11,061 --> 00:09:13,328
Here's the thing.
255
00:09:13,330 --> 00:09:14,930
I really like you,
it's just that...
256
00:09:14,932 --> 00:09:17,499
Oh, my God, are you
breaking up with me?
257
00:09:17,501 --> 00:09:19,134
Wow, Band-Aid off.
258
00:09:19,136 --> 00:09:20,136
Seriously?
259
00:09:20,137 --> 00:09:21,137
You?
260
00:09:21,138 --> 00:09:22,138
Breaking up with me?
261
00:09:22,139 --> 00:09:23,472
That?
262
00:09:23,474 --> 00:09:24,973
Breaking up with this?
263
00:09:24,975 --> 00:09:26,174
Hey, hey, there's
no need to point.
264
00:09:26,176 --> 00:09:27,910
I mean we both could
be in better shape.
265
00:09:27,912 --> 00:09:30,178
Oh, there is only one person
at this table wearing Spanx,
266
00:09:30,180 --> 00:09:31,380
and it is not me.
267
00:09:31,382 --> 00:09:33,081
Could you keep it down?
People are starting to look.
268
00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:34,216
Oh, well, they're
probably wondering
269
00:09:34,218 --> 00:09:35,951
why the old man
and his nurse are arguing.
270
00:09:35,953 --> 00:09:38,053
Hey, I am not that
much older than you.
271
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,554
I'm 47.
272
00:09:41,124 --> 00:09:43,558
Great, you just lost
me my senior discount.
273
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,261
I knew dating you
was a bad idea.
274
00:09:46,263 --> 00:09:47,729
Yes, exactly.
275
00:09:47,731 --> 00:09:49,731
Louis and Walden are
the priority here.
276
00:09:49,733 --> 00:09:52,434
You and I should never have
complicated the adoption
277
00:09:52,436 --> 00:09:53,702
with our unbridled
passion.
278
00:09:53,704 --> 00:09:55,037
We should
have bridled.
279
00:09:55,039 --> 00:09:56,371
This was so stupid.
280
00:09:56,373 --> 00:09:57,806
I am so stupid.
281
00:09:57,808 --> 00:09:59,074
No, you're not stupid.
282
00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:00,909
You just let your unfettered
desire get the best of you.
283
00:10:00,911 --> 00:10:02,110
You should have fettered.
284
00:10:02,112 --> 00:10:03,312
You know what?
285
00:10:03,314 --> 00:10:04,246
You're right.
286
00:10:04,248 --> 00:10:05,514
Ending this is
a good thing.
287
00:10:05,516 --> 00:10:06,848
To be honest, I'm actually
a little relieved.
288
00:10:06,850 --> 00:10:08,717
Of course you are, you
just dodged a bullet--
289
00:10:08,719 --> 00:10:12,220
a cheap, middle-aged,
lactose-intolerant bullet.
290
00:10:13,856 --> 00:10:16,058
♪ Men. ♪
(thunder rumbling)
291
00:10:16,060 --> 00:10:17,893
(doorbell rings)
292
00:10:20,063 --> 00:10:21,897
(doorbell rings)
293
00:10:22,865 --> 00:10:24,967
(doorbell rings twice)
294
00:10:24,969 --> 00:10:26,034
What is going on?
295
00:10:26,036 --> 00:10:28,003
I have no idea.
296
00:10:28,005 --> 00:10:31,707
(doorbell ringing)
297
00:10:32,875 --> 00:10:34,543
Surprise!
298
00:10:34,545 --> 00:10:36,511
It's inspection time!
299
00:10:36,513 --> 00:10:38,480
(thunder crashes)
300
00:10:38,482 --> 00:10:40,949
♪ Men. ♪
301
00:10:47,398 --> 00:10:49,199
♪ Men. ♪
302
00:10:49,201 --> 00:10:51,935
Look at these sharp corners
on this table.
303
00:10:51,937 --> 00:10:53,670
No gate on the stairs.
304
00:10:53,672 --> 00:10:55,372
I see a lot of problems here.
305
00:10:55,374 --> 00:10:57,140
A lot of
problems.
306
00:10:57,142 --> 00:10:59,676
A lot of problems.
307
00:10:59,678 --> 00:11:03,079
Believe me,
I see the same problem.
308
00:11:03,081 --> 00:11:05,649
And I would like to help you
get rid of your problem,
309
00:11:05,651 --> 00:11:09,786
even if that means dumping
the problem's body in the ocean.
310
00:11:09,788 --> 00:11:12,155
If you think it's hard
getting me out of here alive,
311
00:11:12,157 --> 00:11:14,157
try getting rid
of my ghost.
312
00:11:14,159 --> 00:11:17,494
Okay, obviously
this is not about the adoption.
313
00:11:17,496 --> 00:11:18,728
This is about us.
314
00:11:18,730 --> 00:11:20,930
Now, why don't we just
sit down and talk?
315
00:11:20,932 --> 00:11:22,165
Look at this.
316
00:11:22,167 --> 00:11:25,235
A weapon in the form of a toy?
317
00:11:25,237 --> 00:11:26,603
Is it loaded?
318
00:11:26,605 --> 00:11:28,538
Yes, it is!
319
00:11:28,540 --> 00:11:29,739
You have to be careful.
320
00:11:29,741 --> 00:11:31,341
You might hurt someone
you thought you cared about
321
00:11:31,343 --> 00:11:32,543
but were horribly deceived by.
322
00:11:32,544 --> 00:11:33,544
Okay, listen,
323
00:11:33,545 --> 00:11:35,945
I understand
that you are very upset.
324
00:11:35,947 --> 00:11:36,947
And I agree
325
00:11:36,948 --> 00:11:39,549
that we should take this
out on Alan.
326
00:11:39,551 --> 00:11:41,785
Your railings on the
deck are too low,
327
00:11:41,787 --> 00:11:43,820
there's no safety
glass on the fireplace
328
00:11:43,822 --> 00:11:46,489
and you have
alcohol
329
00:11:46,491 --> 00:11:47,757
within a child's reach.
330
00:11:47,759 --> 00:11:50,026
We can, we can fix this.
331
00:11:50,028 --> 00:11:51,995
See? All gone.
332
00:11:51,997 --> 00:11:53,096
Ugh..
333
00:11:53,098 --> 00:11:54,297
What kind of wine is that?
334
00:11:54,299 --> 00:11:56,966
Oh, uh, uh,
it's instant.
335
00:11:56,968 --> 00:11:58,168
It comes in a packet.
336
00:11:58,170 --> 00:11:59,369
Just add water.
337
00:11:59,371 --> 00:12:01,137
Uh, it's-it's like
astronaut wine.
338
00:12:01,139 --> 00:12:04,174
And you're upset that
this guy broke up with you?
339
00:12:04,176 --> 00:12:05,675
The only thing
I'm upset about
340
00:12:05,677 --> 00:12:08,278
is the litany of violations
I found here tonight.
341
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:11,147
You have 48 hours
to address these issues.
342
00:12:11,149 --> 00:12:12,282
Keep in mind:
343
00:12:12,284 --> 00:12:15,118
I can stop by anytime I see fit.
344
00:12:15,853 --> 00:12:17,287
Anytime.
345
00:12:17,289 --> 00:12:19,989
(thunder crashes)
346
00:12:22,860 --> 00:12:24,394
Okay, say what you will,
347
00:12:24,396 --> 00:12:25,862
but that exit was cool.
348
00:12:25,864 --> 00:12:27,397
Okay, you think she's angry now?
349
00:12:27,399 --> 00:12:28,965
What do you think
is gonna happen
350
00:12:28,967 --> 00:12:30,533
when she finds out
about you and Lyndsey?
351
00:12:30,535 --> 00:12:33,069
Oh, oh, don't worry,
I'll apologize to Ms. McMartin,
352
00:12:33,071 --> 00:12:35,138
and then tomorrow, when I'm
having lunch with Lyndsey,
353
00:12:35,140 --> 00:12:36,339
I'll tell her we have to lay low
354
00:12:36,341 --> 00:12:37,540
until the adoption
goes through.
355
00:12:37,542 --> 00:12:38,608
No. I don't want you going
356
00:12:38,610 --> 00:12:39,876
anywhere near Ms. McMartin.
357
00:12:39,878 --> 00:12:41,845
But I think I can help...
No!
358
00:12:41,847 --> 00:12:43,313
You've already done
enough damage.
359
00:12:43,315 --> 00:12:45,281
And I'm warning you,
you stay away.
360
00:12:45,283 --> 00:12:46,616
I am a billionaire
361
00:12:46,618 --> 00:12:49,352
and I can buy my way out
of at least one murder.
362
00:12:49,354 --> 00:12:51,054
This is still America.
363
00:12:51,056 --> 00:12:52,689
♪ Men. ♪
364
00:12:53,891 --> 00:12:56,092
So, what looks good?
365
00:12:56,094 --> 00:12:58,128
And don't say my boobs.
366
00:12:58,130 --> 00:12:59,729
Why would I say "my boobs"
367
00:12:59,731 --> 00:13:01,397
when it's your boobs
that I like?
368
00:13:01,399 --> 00:13:02,565
(laughs)
369
00:13:02,567 --> 00:13:04,033
Have you thought about us?
370
00:13:04,035 --> 00:13:05,368
Yes.
371
00:13:05,370 --> 00:13:06,536
I want to give it a try.
372
00:13:06,538 --> 00:13:07,604
Oh, you do?!
373
00:13:07,606 --> 00:13:08,838
Oh, that is so great.
I know!
374
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,341
The rest of our life together
starts right now.
375
00:13:11,343 --> 00:13:12,609
Yes!
376
00:13:12,611 --> 00:13:14,511
Or in three weeks, when
I can see you again.
377
00:13:14,513 --> 00:13:15,513
What?
378
00:13:15,514 --> 00:13:16,646
Oh, well, Walden is worried
379
00:13:16,648 --> 00:13:17,914
about the adoption.
380
00:13:17,916 --> 00:13:19,649
He doesn't want there to be
any complications.
381
00:13:19,651 --> 00:13:21,217
So he thinks I'll screw it up?
382
00:13:21,219 --> 00:13:22,719
No, he thinks
I'll screw it up.
383
00:13:22,721 --> 00:13:24,687
Oh, sure.
384
00:13:24,689 --> 00:13:26,523
So I just think
it's better if we lay low
385
00:13:26,525 --> 00:13:27,557
until after the court date.
386
00:13:27,559 --> 00:13:28,892
I understand.
387
00:13:28,894 --> 00:13:30,927
Is that why we drove
an hour away from the ocean
388
00:13:30,929 --> 00:13:32,395
to go to a seafood restaurant?
389
00:13:32,397 --> 00:13:34,531
Ah, that and...
390
00:13:34,533 --> 00:13:36,166
no corkage fee.
391
00:13:38,469 --> 00:13:39,469
Ooh.
392
00:13:39,471 --> 00:13:41,838
A Pinot.
393
00:13:44,308 --> 00:13:46,176
Oh! Oh, you don't mind
if I drink, do you?
394
00:13:46,178 --> 00:13:49,279
I can honestly say
I've never been less tempted.
395
00:13:49,281 --> 00:13:51,114
Good legs...
396
00:13:51,116 --> 00:13:53,316
mmm, full body...
397
00:13:53,318 --> 00:13:55,018
goes down easy.
398
00:13:55,020 --> 00:13:57,987
They should call this
"The Lyndsey Special."
399
00:13:57,989 --> 00:14:00,356
Cute.
400
00:14:00,358 --> 00:14:02,792
You know, I-I certainly
wouldn't want to do anything
401
00:14:02,794 --> 00:14:04,093
to jeopardize the adoption.
402
00:14:04,095 --> 00:14:06,296
And taking it slow
is probably better for us, too.
403
00:14:06,298 --> 00:14:09,999
Oh! Lyndsey plus Alan
equals "us."
404
00:14:10,001 --> 00:14:11,601
Aw...
(laughs)
405
00:14:12,870 --> 00:14:13,837
Hello, Alan.
406
00:14:13,839 --> 00:14:16,239
(crashing)
407
00:14:16,241 --> 00:14:17,674
Good God!
408
00:14:17,676 --> 00:14:19,642
What-what are
you doing here?
409
00:14:19,644 --> 00:14:22,579
And-and how do you keep making
these dramatic entrances?
410
00:14:23,414 --> 00:14:24,514
Who is this?
411
00:14:24,516 --> 00:14:27,317
Oh. Uh, Th-this
is-is Lyndsey.
412
00:14:27,319 --> 00:14:29,986
Uh, Lyndsey, this
is Ms. McMartin,
413
00:14:29,988 --> 00:14:31,354
our social
worker.
414
00:14:31,356 --> 00:14:35,491
Uh, remember, I told you
about her and the adoption?
415
00:14:35,493 --> 00:14:39,229
Um, uh, Lyndsey
is my cousin,
416
00:14:39,231 --> 00:14:42,966
um, from Cedar
Rapids, Iowa.
417
00:14:42,968 --> 00:14:43,900
What?
418
00:14:43,902 --> 00:14:45,969
So you make out
with your cousin?
419
00:14:45,971 --> 00:14:49,172
I said she
was from Iowa.
420
00:14:49,174 --> 00:14:51,174
Is this why you
broke up with me?
421
00:14:51,176 --> 00:14:52,176
For her?
422
00:14:52,177 --> 00:14:53,409
Hold on.
423
00:14:53,411 --> 00:14:55,111
You're dating
your social worker?
424
00:14:55,113 --> 00:14:56,079
He was.
425
00:14:56,081 --> 00:14:57,213
Till he dumped me last night.
426
00:14:57,215 --> 00:14:58,781
Was it just
last night?
427
00:14:58,783 --> 00:15:00,283
You said
you were single.
428
00:15:00,285 --> 00:15:01,818
Did I say I was single?
429
00:15:01,820 --> 00:15:03,653
Yeah.
Right after we had sex.
430
00:15:03,655 --> 00:15:05,255
Did we have sex?
431
00:15:05,257 --> 00:15:06,556
You had sex with her?
432
00:15:06,558 --> 00:15:08,892
Did I have
sex with her?
433
00:15:08,894 --> 00:15:10,159
You jackass!
434
00:15:12,863 --> 00:15:15,098
(glass shatters)
435
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:16,966
Heh.
436
00:15:16,968 --> 00:15:18,501
Chicks.
(chuckles)
437
00:15:18,503 --> 00:15:20,803
Crazy in the head,
crazy in the bed, am I right?
438
00:15:22,773 --> 00:15:24,574
Oh, Lyndsey... Lyndsey, wait!
439
00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:29,412
I banged both of them.
440
00:15:29,414 --> 00:15:30,747
Ain't no thang.
441
00:15:32,449 --> 00:15:34,751
♪ Men. ♪
442
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,754
Hey.
443
00:15:37,756 --> 00:15:40,490
Oh, hey, did you, uh,
see Lyndsey?
444
00:15:40,492 --> 00:15:41,858
Uh, yes, I did.
445
00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:43,860
Uh, and she was totally cool
with taking it slow
446
00:15:43,862 --> 00:15:44,994
until the adoption is done.
447
00:15:44,996 --> 00:15:46,129
Good. And thank you.
448
00:15:46,131 --> 00:15:47,897
Yeah, you may not want
to thank me just yet.
449
00:15:47,899 --> 00:15:49,165
Um...
450
00:15:50,134 --> 00:15:53,569
Please tell me that
that is your blood
451
00:15:53,571 --> 00:15:55,138
and not powdered wine.
452
00:15:55,140 --> 00:15:56,739
I-It's not my fault.
453
00:15:56,741 --> 00:15:58,775
Ms. McMartin showed up.
What?
454
00:15:58,777 --> 00:16:00,610
She followed me.
She's gone crazy.
455
00:16:00,612 --> 00:16:03,713
No, she hasn't "gone crazy."
456
00:16:03,715 --> 00:16:06,015
You drove her crazy.
457
00:16:06,017 --> 00:16:09,252
You make people crazy!
458
00:16:09,254 --> 00:16:11,354
That-that's a little unfair.
459
00:16:11,356 --> 00:16:12,822
I mean,
I grant you that, you know,
460
00:16:12,824 --> 00:16:14,824
maybe it was a mistake
to sleep with her,
461
00:16:14,826 --> 00:16:16,459
but when a woman has five cats,
462
00:16:16,461 --> 00:16:18,761
she doesn't have
to be "made crazy."
463
00:16:18,763 --> 00:16:19,829
You know what? You're right.
464
00:16:19,831 --> 00:16:21,364
This-this-this is my fault.
465
00:16:21,366 --> 00:16:22,966
I'm the one
who made the mistake.
466
00:16:22,968 --> 00:16:24,167
You are?
Yes.
467
00:16:24,169 --> 00:16:26,169
I mistakenly thought
that you were
468
00:16:26,171 --> 00:16:28,805
a capable,
competent human being,
469
00:16:28,807 --> 00:16:31,040
able to handle
a simple situation
470
00:16:31,042 --> 00:16:35,545
without destroying
the life of everyone around you.
471
00:16:35,547 --> 00:16:36,980
Boy, if I had a dollar
472
00:16:36,982 --> 00:16:39,148
for every time
someone has said that to me.
473
00:16:39,150 --> 00:16:41,417
But seriously, seriously,
I-I will fix this.
474
00:16:41,419 --> 00:16:43,653
(laughing):
Oh. Great.
475
00:16:43,655 --> 00:16:45,021
You're gonna fix this.
Yeah.
476
00:16:45,023 --> 00:16:46,889
I mean, why was I worried?
477
00:16:46,891 --> 00:16:48,157
Have no fear!
478
00:16:48,159 --> 00:16:50,026
Alan is here!
479
00:16:51,829 --> 00:16:53,696
Hey! Hey, everyone!
480
00:16:53,698 --> 00:16:55,198
Don't worry!
481
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,100
Alan's gonna fix it!
482
00:16:58,202 --> 00:17:00,069
Sailors at sea,
483
00:17:00,071 --> 00:17:03,072
throw away your life vests!
484
00:17:03,074 --> 00:17:04,474
You don't need them!
485
00:17:04,476 --> 00:17:08,711
'Cause Alan is gonna
fix everything!
486
00:17:22,993 --> 00:17:24,694
Maybe I do make people crazy.
487
00:17:27,231 --> 00:17:29,532
♪ Men. ♪
488
00:17:33,270 --> 00:17:34,937
Walden?
What are you doing here?
489
00:17:34,939 --> 00:17:38,341
I am on the
"Alan Harper Apology Tour."
490
00:17:39,910 --> 00:17:41,144
Uh, but this is gonna require
491
00:17:41,146 --> 00:17:42,311
a little bit of
audience participation.
492
00:17:42,313 --> 00:17:44,480
When I say "Alan,"
you say "idiot."
493
00:17:44,482 --> 00:17:46,182
Alan.
Idiot.
494
00:17:46,184 --> 00:17:47,917
Alan.
Idiot.
495
00:17:47,919 --> 00:17:49,352
This is fun. Come in.
496
00:17:51,422 --> 00:17:53,322
Wow, this is nice.
497
00:17:53,324 --> 00:17:56,059
And it doesn't smell
like cat urine at all.
498
00:17:56,061 --> 00:17:57,894
So what do you want, Walden?
499
00:17:57,896 --> 00:17:59,729
I realize that Alan--
500
00:17:59,731 --> 00:18:00,930
Idiot.
501
00:18:02,533 --> 00:18:06,202
Look, I-I realize that
he can do some stupid things.
502
00:18:06,204 --> 00:18:08,471
And I'm-I'm sure you've seen
his helicopter dance,
503
00:18:08,473 --> 00:18:10,873
where he uses his penis
as the propeller.
504
00:18:11,742 --> 00:18:13,576
Actually, I haven't.
505
00:18:14,445 --> 00:18:15,745
Neither have I.
506
00:18:17,147 --> 00:18:19,715
I realize how angry
you must be with him.
507
00:18:19,717 --> 00:18:21,017
But that has nothing to do
508
00:18:21,019 --> 00:18:22,685
with the kind of father
I can be to Louis.
509
00:18:22,687 --> 00:18:24,087
I know that.
510
00:18:24,089 --> 00:18:25,054
It's just that Alan--
511
00:18:25,056 --> 00:18:26,089
Idiot.
512
00:18:26,091 --> 00:18:27,557
Ha!
513
00:18:27,559 --> 00:18:29,192
He makes me crazy.
514
00:18:29,194 --> 00:18:30,393
I-I just said that!
515
00:18:30,395 --> 00:18:32,161
In-in fact, I hit a lifeguard
516
00:18:32,163 --> 00:18:34,564
with a patio chair saying that.
517
00:18:34,566 --> 00:18:36,599
Look, Walden,
at the end of the day,
518
00:18:36,601 --> 00:18:38,935
I'm not gonna let my anger
prevent a child
519
00:18:38,937 --> 00:18:40,470
from being placed
in a good home.
520
00:18:40,472 --> 00:18:41,604
Thank God.
521
00:18:41,606 --> 00:18:44,373
I just... I've never realized
522
00:18:44,375 --> 00:18:46,476
how much another person
can mean to me.
523
00:18:46,478 --> 00:18:48,711
That is so sweet.
524
00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:51,514
(sobbing):
Why can't anybody
525
00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:53,583
ever think that about me?
526
00:18:54,751 --> 00:18:57,086
I am such
a loser!
527
00:18:57,088 --> 00:18:59,789
No, you're not a loser,
Ms. McMartin.
528
00:18:59,791 --> 00:19:01,891
Yes, I am!
529
00:19:01,893 --> 00:19:03,759
I thought I hit rock bottom
530
00:19:03,761 --> 00:19:07,130
by dating an old guy
who can't get a boner.
531
00:19:08,832 --> 00:19:12,168
It turns out, rock bottom
is getting dumped
532
00:19:12,170 --> 00:19:14,770
by the old guy
who can't get a boner.
533
00:19:16,507 --> 00:19:18,407
What is wrong with me?
534
00:19:18,409 --> 00:19:19,709
Nothing.
535
00:19:19,711 --> 00:19:22,411
Come on, you're smart
and you're fun...
536
00:19:22,413 --> 00:19:23,880
And, oh, by the way,
537
00:19:23,882 --> 00:19:25,615
you are way too pretty for Alan.
538
00:19:25,617 --> 00:19:27,850
Oh. (laughs)
539
00:19:27,852 --> 00:19:29,585
So are you.
540
00:19:29,587 --> 00:19:30,720
See?
541
00:19:30,722 --> 00:19:32,321
Now there's that smile.
542
00:19:32,323 --> 00:19:33,823
Come on,
now, now...
543
00:19:33,825 --> 00:19:35,892
any guy would be lucky
to be with you.
544
00:19:35,894 --> 00:19:37,627
Oh, you're just saying that.
545
00:19:37,629 --> 00:19:38,828
No, you're awesome.
546
00:19:38,830 --> 00:19:40,530
And what you do for a living,
helping those kids,
547
00:19:40,532 --> 00:19:41,831
changing their lives,
548
00:19:41,833 --> 00:19:44,033
putting your hand
on my leg...
549
00:19:47,104 --> 00:19:48,104
Wow.
550
00:19:48,106 --> 00:19:49,639
(giggles)
551
00:19:49,641 --> 00:19:51,574
I can't believe this.
552
00:19:51,576 --> 00:19:53,809
You're not
the only one.
553
00:19:53,811 --> 00:19:55,211
I don't want you to worry.
554
00:19:55,213 --> 00:19:56,612
I'm not going to let the fact
555
00:19:56,614 --> 00:19:58,948
that we are in a relationship
affect Louis.
556
00:19:58,950 --> 00:20:01,517
Learned that lesson, am I right?
557
00:20:01,519 --> 00:20:02,818
(laughs)
558
00:20:02,820 --> 00:20:05,054
Yeah.
559
00:20:05,056 --> 00:20:07,456
Relationship.
560
00:20:07,458 --> 00:20:08,925
Okay.
561
00:20:08,927 --> 00:20:11,928
I am going to go...
Where?
562
00:20:11,930 --> 00:20:13,696
Where are you going?
563
00:20:13,698 --> 00:20:16,399
To the bathroom.
564
00:20:16,401 --> 00:20:18,434
Oh, okay.
565
00:20:18,436 --> 00:20:19,436
(giggles)
566
00:20:19,437 --> 00:20:21,704
Hurry back.
567
00:20:21,706 --> 00:20:24,407
(singsong):
I'll miss you.
568
00:20:24,409 --> 00:20:26,876
I'll miss you, too.
569
00:20:29,279 --> 00:20:31,547
Ooh, it's a little
chilly out there.
570
00:20:31,549 --> 00:20:34,050
I'm gonna
grab my pants.
571
00:20:34,052 --> 00:20:37,553
And my car keys.
572
00:20:37,555 --> 00:20:40,189
♪ Men. ♪
573
00:20:45,926 --> 00:20:48,294
♪ Take one step left
and one step right ♪
574
00:20:48,296 --> 00:20:51,598
♪ One to the front
and one to the side ♪
575
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:53,466
♪ Clap your hands once
and clap your hands twice ♪
576
00:20:53,468 --> 00:20:54,667
Alan?
♪ And if it looks like this ♪
577
00:20:54,669 --> 00:20:55,869
♪ Then you're doing it right ♪
578
00:20:55,871 --> 00:20:57,470
♪ A little bit of ♪
ALAN: ♪ Lyndsey. ♪
579
00:20:57,472 --> 00:20:58,738
♪ In my life ♪
580
00:20:58,740 --> 00:21:00,173
♪ A little of bit of ♪
ALAN: ♪ Lyndsey. ♪
581
00:21:00,175 --> 00:21:01,608
♪ By my side... ♪
582
00:21:02,304 --> 00:21:03,632
ALAN: ♪ Lyndsey. ♪
583
00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:10,929
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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