1
00:00:00,914 --> 00:00:02,181
♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:02,357 --> 00:00:04,390
Sex is so much better
with someone you know well.
3
00:00:04,392 --> 00:00:05,858
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
4
00:00:05,860 --> 00:00:08,060
That's why so many
marriages last forever.
5
00:00:13,433 --> 00:00:15,668
But it's true, it's true--
sex is better when you,
6
00:00:15,670 --> 00:00:17,937
you know, you know the
other person's rhythms,
7
00:00:17,939 --> 00:00:19,038
what they like,
8
00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:21,307
which leg they can
put behind their head.
9
00:00:21,309 --> 00:00:23,476
I'm still impressed
you can do that.
10
00:00:24,344 --> 00:00:25,778
Uh, yoga.
11
00:00:25,780 --> 00:00:28,080
When I started, I was
single and I wanted to be
12
00:00:28,082 --> 00:00:30,316
flexible enough to
give myself a...
13
00:00:33,053 --> 00:00:35,121
You know, I, uh, I-I really
would have missed you
14
00:00:35,123 --> 00:00:37,123
if you moved to
San Francisco.
15
00:00:37,125 --> 00:00:38,457
Aw, me, too.
16
00:00:38,459 --> 00:00:40,526
Although maybe I should have
waited to sell the house.
17
00:00:40,528 --> 00:00:42,828
I got to be out of here in two weeks.
Mm.
18
00:00:42,830 --> 00:00:44,263
I could help you
find an apartment.
19
00:00:44,265 --> 00:00:46,365
Unless you want me to
stay out of your hair.
20
00:00:46,367 --> 00:00:48,534
Hey, that's the second
time I said that tonight.
21
00:00:48,536 --> 00:00:51,370
Actually, I really
could use your help.
22
00:00:51,372 --> 00:00:54,273
I mean, unless
you're busy with work.
23
00:00:56,210 --> 00:00:57,643
Oh, I love you, Lyndsey.
24
00:00:57,645 --> 00:00:58,944
I love you, too, Alan.
25
00:00:58,946 --> 00:01:00,246
You want to go again?
No.
26
00:01:00,248 --> 00:01:02,581
You satisfied me
the first time.
27
00:01:03,584 --> 00:01:06,118
♪ Men. ♪
28
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:09,088
Walden, do you
believe in destiny?
29
00:01:09,090 --> 00:01:11,123
I believe in
30
00:01:11,125 --> 00:01:13,392
Destiny's Child.
31
00:01:13,394 --> 00:01:15,995
I'm serious.
32
00:01:15,997 --> 00:01:17,630
Think of everything
that happened
33
00:01:17,632 --> 00:01:18,764
that led us to this moment.
34
00:01:18,766 --> 00:01:21,233
Oh, see, that...
I'd rather not.
35
00:01:21,235 --> 00:01:23,803
I know you don't want to talk
about my relationship with Alan.
36
00:01:23,805 --> 00:01:25,671
No, I don't.
I don't even like
37
00:01:25,673 --> 00:01:27,973
sharing a cab with Alan.
38
00:01:27,975 --> 00:01:30,910
But don't you see? If Alan
and I hadn't been together
39
00:01:30,912 --> 00:01:33,345
and I hadn't freaked out
when he rejected me,
40
00:01:33,347 --> 00:01:35,481
you wouldn't be here
to comfort me.
41
00:01:35,483 --> 00:01:37,516
In a way, I just want to say
42
00:01:37,518 --> 00:01:39,919
thank you, Alan Harper.
43
00:01:39,921 --> 00:01:41,520
Yeah.
44
00:01:41,522 --> 00:01:44,857
Thank you, Alan Harper.
45
00:01:44,859 --> 00:01:48,160
So-So you are
aware that you...
46
00:01:49,296 --> 00:01:50,996
...freaked out a little bit.
47
00:01:50,998 --> 00:01:53,265
You mean when I showed up
to your house at midnight
48
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:56,168
in the rain or when I followed
Alan for 12 straight hours
49
00:01:56,170 --> 00:01:58,471
and peed in a bottle
in my car?
50
00:01:58,473 --> 00:02:02,141
I didn't know you
did that. That's...
51
00:02:02,143 --> 00:02:03,976
Look at us, getting
to know each other.
52
00:02:05,279 --> 00:02:07,079
So-So was that
53
00:02:07,081 --> 00:02:09,181
out of character for
you, would you say?
54
00:02:09,183 --> 00:02:12,151
Well, I admit, I am not
good with rejection.
55
00:02:12,153 --> 00:02:13,719
Who is?
56
00:02:13,721 --> 00:02:15,321
Well, don't worry.
57
00:02:15,323 --> 00:02:18,924
I am never, ever
gonna let go of you.
58
00:02:18,926 --> 00:02:21,060
I believe you.
59
00:02:21,062 --> 00:02:23,295
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
60
00:02:23,297 --> 00:02:23,398
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
61
00:02:23,399 --> 00:02:27,398
♪ Two and a Half Men 12x13 ♪
Boompa Loved His Hookers
Original Air Date on Feb
62
00:02:27,399 --> 00:02:33,399
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
63
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,159
♪ Men. ♪
64
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,360
Uh-oh.
65
00:02:39,864 --> 00:02:41,932
I'll let you know when I'm done.
66
00:02:43,734 --> 00:02:45,001
Okay, once again,
67
00:02:45,003 --> 00:02:48,371
I will buy you another
Lego mini figure.
68
00:02:49,607 --> 00:02:52,442
We don't have to wait
for that one to come out.
69
00:02:54,812 --> 00:02:56,446
Hey.
70
00:02:56,448 --> 00:02:59,249
Oh, you always know
when I've had sex.
71
00:03:00,618 --> 00:03:01,852
What gave it away?
72
00:03:01,854 --> 00:03:04,020
The bounce in my step
or the glow in my cheek?
73
00:03:04,022 --> 00:03:05,755
No, it's probably the, uh, text
74
00:03:05,757 --> 00:03:07,290
I got from you that said,
75
00:03:07,292 --> 00:03:10,026
"Guess why I can't see
my penis right now."
76
00:03:10,028 --> 00:03:11,728
I was bored.
77
00:03:11,730 --> 00:03:14,464
So, uh, how was your little
talk with Ms. McMartin?
78
00:03:14,466 --> 00:03:18,034
You know, about that whole
situation-- you and her--
79
00:03:18,036 --> 00:03:20,704
I just... you know, maybe
I just judged you too harshly.
80
00:03:20,706 --> 00:03:23,840
No, no, I was... I deserved it.
I-I was stupid and weak.
81
00:03:23,842 --> 00:03:27,043
And besides, bitch be crazy.
82
00:03:27,912 --> 00:03:29,346
Yeah. Well...
83
00:03:29,348 --> 00:03:31,214
bitch be my girlfriend.
84
00:03:32,817 --> 00:03:35,886
Oh, my God.
You didn't.
85
00:03:35,888 --> 00:03:38,488
After all the crap
you gave me?
86
00:03:38,490 --> 00:03:41,258
"How could you sleep
with our social worker, Alan?"
87
00:03:41,260 --> 00:03:44,828
"Get your penis
out of my business, Alan."
88
00:03:44,830 --> 00:03:47,831
"That's not what yoga
is for, Alan."
89
00:03:47,833 --> 00:03:50,300
Okay, fine, I admit it.
I-I made a mistake.
90
00:03:50,302 --> 00:03:52,836
I just... I Alan'd
this whole thing up.
91
00:03:54,105 --> 00:03:56,540
My name as a verb. I like it.
92
00:03:56,542 --> 00:03:58,408
So-So how did this happen?
93
00:03:58,410 --> 00:04:01,912
I don't know. I just...
I went over there and then...
94
00:04:01,914 --> 00:04:03,914
she got all emotional
95
00:04:03,916 --> 00:04:06,349
and kept calling herself
a loser and then...
96
00:04:06,351 --> 00:04:07,918
Okay, and then
she started to cry.
97
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:11,188
Oh, crying. She used that
to turn me on, too.
98
00:04:11,190 --> 00:04:14,157
What? No. I-I comforted her
99
00:04:14,159 --> 00:04:17,127
and then one thing led to an...
You're a freak.
100
00:04:17,129 --> 00:04:18,929
Hey, hey, don't call me a freak.
101
00:04:18,931 --> 00:04:20,263
You're the one who Alan'd it up.
102
00:04:20,265 --> 00:04:22,632
You know what,
maybe it'll be okay.
103
00:04:22,634 --> 00:04:24,701
I mean, she only goes crazy
when she gets rejected,
104
00:04:24,703 --> 00:04:27,170
so I just have to keep her
happy for a couple days
105
00:04:27,172 --> 00:04:29,172
until we finalize
Louis's adoption.
106
00:04:29,174 --> 00:04:30,440
See, I just...
107
00:04:30,442 --> 00:04:32,242
I feel bad, 'cause...
108
00:04:32,244 --> 00:04:34,244
I mean, she already fell
head over heels in love with me.
109
00:04:34,246 --> 00:04:36,680
She Walden'd you.
110
00:04:36,682 --> 00:04:38,014
You know what?
111
00:04:38,016 --> 00:04:39,216
Go Alan yourself.
112
00:04:39,218 --> 00:04:42,352
Thanks to yoga, I can.
113
00:04:44,255 --> 00:04:45,822
♪ Men. ♪
114
00:04:45,824 --> 00:04:47,157
This is great.
115
00:04:47,159 --> 00:04:49,492
Lots of natural light,
hardwood floors,
116
00:04:49,494 --> 00:04:50,927
and it's next to a Chipotle6
117
00:04:50,929 --> 00:04:53,230
I can't wait for our first
post-booty burrito.
118
00:04:53,232 --> 00:04:55,398
It's also right
across the street
119
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:56,900
from a really
cute bookstore.
120
00:04:56,902 --> 00:04:59,035
Remember books?
121
00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:00,870
And-and you saw how
big those closets are.
122
00:05:00,872 --> 00:05:02,072
I could live
in those things.
123
00:05:02,074 --> 00:05:03,273
Not a good idea.
124
00:05:03,275 --> 00:05:04,808
I already have
enough people asking me
125
00:05:04,810 --> 00:05:06,610
if you're in
the closet.
126
00:05:06,612 --> 00:05:08,111
People think I'm gay?
127
00:05:08,113 --> 00:05:09,312
That's hilarious.
128
00:05:09,314 --> 00:05:11,881
Can't wait to tell my husband.
129
00:05:11,883 --> 00:05:14,651
So... do you
really like it?
130
00:05:14,653 --> 00:05:15,986
What's not to like?
131
00:05:15,988 --> 00:05:17,320
This place is amazing.
132
00:05:17,322 --> 00:05:19,222
Good. 'Cause I was thinking
133
00:05:19,224 --> 00:05:21,691
maybe instead of visiting,
134
00:05:21,693 --> 00:05:23,593
why don't you
move in with me?
135
00:05:23,595 --> 00:05:24,861
In this dump?
136
00:05:24,863 --> 00:05:26,563
You just said
you liked it.
137
00:05:26,565 --> 00:05:28,465
That was when I thought
it was for you.
138
00:05:28,467 --> 00:05:30,367
But for the two of us?
139
00:05:30,369 --> 00:05:31,434
There's no study.
140
00:05:31,436 --> 00:05:32,836
Where would I write my novel?
141
00:05:32,838 --> 00:05:34,037
You're writing
a novel?
142
00:05:34,039 --> 00:05:36,039
Well, when I finish
my screenplay.
143
00:05:36,041 --> 00:05:38,408
Do you not want
to live with me?
144
00:05:38,410 --> 00:05:40,510
No, of course I do.
145
00:05:40,512 --> 00:05:42,979
But I-I want our place
to be perfect.
146
00:05:42,981 --> 00:05:44,414
Like you.
147
00:05:44,416 --> 00:05:46,616
Uh, and I don't care how long
it takes to find it.
148
00:05:46,618 --> 00:05:48,218
You have two weeks.
149
00:05:48,220 --> 00:05:50,020
Two weeks?
150
00:05:50,022 --> 00:05:51,655
That's-that's plenty of time
to find an apartment
151
00:05:51,657 --> 00:05:54,224
Vampire Hunter.
152
00:05:55,359 --> 00:05:58,228
♪ Men. ♪
153
00:06:01,065 --> 00:06:02,065
There you are!
154
00:06:03,935 --> 00:06:05,035
Hi!
155
00:06:05,037 --> 00:06:06,136
There you are!
156
00:06:06,138 --> 00:06:07,771
In my kitchen.
157
00:06:07,773 --> 00:06:09,306
Holding a knife.
158
00:06:09,308 --> 00:06:10,807
Oh, I'm sorry.
159
00:06:10,809 --> 00:06:12,142
I wanted to surprise you.
160
00:06:12,144 --> 00:06:15,745
Well, I peed a little, so...
161
00:06:15,747 --> 00:06:17,113
good job.
162
00:06:18,149 --> 00:06:19,983
Wh-Who...
How did you get in here?
163
00:06:19,985 --> 00:06:20,917
Berta.
164
00:06:20,919 --> 00:06:22,686
I told her
I was cooking for you.
165
00:06:22,688 --> 00:06:24,321
She said, "Great.
Clean the toilets, too."
166
00:06:24,323 --> 00:06:26,423
Then she grabbed a six-pack
and she went home.
167
00:06:26,425 --> 00:06:29,726
So it's just me and you.
168
00:06:29,728 --> 00:06:30,694
There's no witnesses.
169
00:06:32,297 --> 00:06:33,730
You are so funny.
170
00:06:34,966 --> 00:06:36,833
It's like dating
Jimmy Fallon.
171
00:06:38,503 --> 00:06:40,136
I'm making you
crab cakes.
172
00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:42,138
What...? Really?
I love crab cakes.
173
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:43,206
I know.
174
00:06:43,208 --> 00:06:45,041
You told me the happiest summer
you ever had
175
00:06:45,043 --> 00:06:46,976
was when your family
rented that house in Maryland
176
00:06:46,978 --> 00:06:48,278
and your grandpa
took you crabbing.
177
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,547
I remember when we were there
and he said,
178
00:06:50,549 --> 00:06:53,116
"You know, when you turn 18,
I'm gonna take you to Vegas
179
00:06:53,118 --> 00:06:56,853
and we'll get
a different kind of crabs."
180
00:06:56,855 --> 00:06:58,388
Ah, yeah.
181
00:06:58,390 --> 00:06:59,456
Then he laughed.
182
00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:02,225
Oh, how Boompa
loved his hookers.
183
00:07:03,260 --> 00:07:05,628
Hey, this is very nice,
but maybe next time...
184
00:07:05,630 --> 00:07:07,697
Oh! I also have
your favorite dessert.
185
00:07:07,699 --> 00:07:09,799
Did I tell you
about Gam-Gam's apple pie?
186
00:07:14,638 --> 00:07:17,107
That's not Gam-Gam's pie.
187
00:07:19,176 --> 00:07:21,244
♪ Men. ♪
188
00:07:21,246 --> 00:07:22,445
Hey.
189
00:07:22,447 --> 00:07:24,180
Oh, hey.
Where you been?
190
00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:25,248
Apartment hunting.
191
00:07:28,887 --> 00:07:30,754
Are you... Really?
192
00:07:30,756 --> 00:07:33,022
Oh, my God,
you do hear my prayers.
193
00:07:33,024 --> 00:07:34,157
Don't get excited.
194
00:07:34,159 --> 00:07:35,159
It was for Lyndsey.
195
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,593
Oh. Damn you.
196
00:07:36,595 --> 00:07:38,728
But get this: She asked me
to move in with her.
197
00:07:38,730 --> 00:07:40,630
All right, you got me.
198
00:07:40,632 --> 00:07:41,731
There's no way I'm doing it.
199
00:07:41,733 --> 00:07:43,967
Ah, you're dead to me!
200
00:07:43,969 --> 00:07:47,170
So, uh, how's it going
with Ms. McCrazy?
201
00:07:47,172 --> 00:07:48,671
You know what?
That'll be enough of that.
202
00:07:48,673 --> 00:07:50,006
Oh, sorry.
203
00:07:50,008 --> 00:07:51,608
She might be listening.
204
00:07:52,777 --> 00:07:54,043
No, I'm just...
205
00:07:54,045 --> 00:07:57,881
Seriously, Ms. McMartin is
a genuinely nice person.
206
00:07:57,883 --> 00:07:59,182
I just...
207
00:07:59,184 --> 00:08:01,351
I feel bad about, like,
stringing her along.
208
00:08:01,353 --> 00:08:02,886
Yeah, but you can't
break up with her.
209
00:08:02,888 --> 00:08:04,120
It'll jeopardize the adoption.
210
00:08:04,122 --> 00:08:06,022
I know, but, like, lying to her
211
00:08:06,024 --> 00:08:08,892
just seems cowardly and selfish.
212
00:08:08,894 --> 00:08:10,794
Well, you know what they say.
213
00:08:10,796 --> 00:08:12,095
One man's cowardly and selfish
214
00:08:12,097 --> 00:08:14,097
is another man's approach
to everything in life.
215
00:08:14,099 --> 00:08:15,665
No, you know what?
216
00:08:15,667 --> 00:08:16,966
She didn't take Louis away
217
00:08:16,968 --> 00:08:18,935
when she found out
our marriage was fake.
218
00:08:18,937 --> 00:08:22,839
And she didn't take him away
when you dumped her, so...
219
00:08:22,841 --> 00:08:25,175
Like, she's gonna do
the right thing.
220
00:08:25,177 --> 00:08:26,743
So am I.
221
00:08:26,745 --> 00:08:28,645
Good for you.
222
00:08:28,647 --> 00:08:30,780
You make me want to be
a better man.
223
00:08:32,249 --> 00:08:34,184
Hey, uh, i-is Louis home?
224
00:08:34,186 --> 00:08:35,418
No, he's staying
at a friend's house.
225
00:08:35,420 --> 00:08:38,488
Good. I can watch porn
without headphones.
226
00:08:39,657 --> 00:08:40,790
Oh, I get it now.
227
00:08:40,792 --> 00:08:43,226
I'm in hell.
228
00:08:43,228 --> 00:08:45,495
♪ Men. ♪
229
00:08:45,497 --> 00:08:47,263
Come on, baby.
230
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:49,899
Get off that laptop and
get on top of this lap.
231
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:53,303
I'm trying to find us
a place to live.
232
00:08:53,305 --> 00:08:54,971
Oh! How about this one?
233
00:08:54,973 --> 00:08:56,773
It's got a community hot tub.
234
00:08:56,775 --> 00:08:58,374
Yes, that's great.
235
00:08:58,376 --> 00:09:00,243
Uh, because when
I'm stuck in traffic,
236
00:09:00,245 --> 00:09:02,879
uh, and I look at the
stranger in the next car
237
00:09:02,881 --> 00:09:05,081
and he's picking his nose,
I'm always thinking,
238
00:09:05,083 --> 00:09:07,684
"Boy, I'd like to sit in
stagnant water with that guy."
239
00:09:08,819 --> 00:09:11,855
Okay, no hot tub.
240
00:09:11,857 --> 00:09:14,023
Hey, how about
a two-bedroom loft downtown?
241
00:09:14,025 --> 00:09:15,692
It's got a washer
and dryer.
242
00:09:15,694 --> 00:09:17,827
And no green space
for my herb garden.
243
00:09:17,829 --> 00:09:20,763
Do you even know me?
244
00:09:20,765 --> 00:09:22,866
Okay.
245
00:09:22,868 --> 00:09:24,434
Describe your perfect place.
246
00:09:24,436 --> 00:09:29,072
Uh, it's a
beautiful home,
247
00:09:29,074 --> 00:09:31,808
it's on the beach,
248
00:09:31,810 --> 00:09:33,510
it has a housekeeper
249
00:09:33,512 --> 00:09:34,777
and it's owned
by a billionaire
250
00:09:34,779 --> 00:09:36,346
who doesn't monitor
his change jar.
251
00:09:37,648 --> 00:09:39,516
You're just describing
this house.
252
00:09:39,518 --> 00:09:40,917
Wow, you're right.
253
00:09:40,919 --> 00:09:42,785
That worked out.
Let's have sex.
254
00:09:42,787 --> 00:09:44,153
Alan...
255
00:09:44,155 --> 00:09:46,389
I've made a lot of
changes in my life
256
00:09:46,391 --> 00:09:48,791
and I was excited about
starting all over with you,
257
00:09:48,793 --> 00:09:51,794
but I cannot go through
this same pattern
258
00:09:51,796 --> 00:09:53,830
over and over again.
259
00:09:54,698 --> 00:09:57,000
You love this house
more than you love me.
260
00:09:57,002 --> 00:09:58,568
Oh, I'm sorry.
261
00:09:58,570 --> 00:09:59,570
Was that a question?
262
00:09:59,571 --> 00:10:01,404
Good-bye, Alan.
263
00:10:01,406 --> 00:10:03,840
Oh, come...
This is so unfair.
264
00:10:03,842 --> 00:10:05,441
Until you went to
rehab last month,
265
00:10:05,443 --> 00:10:07,677
you loved vodka
more than me.
266
00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:09,245
And when I've had
too much house,
267
00:10:09,247 --> 00:10:10,914
I don't get naked
in the Walmart.
268
00:10:10,916 --> 00:10:13,583
♪ Men. ♪
269
00:10:20,031 --> 00:10:22,766
♪ Men. ♪
270
00:10:22,768 --> 00:10:24,768
Oh, hey, uh, Berta.
271
00:10:24,770 --> 00:10:27,204
When Ms. McMartin gets here,
can you give us some privacy?
272
00:10:27,206 --> 00:10:28,439
I gotta talk to her.
273
00:10:28,441 --> 00:10:30,140
Oh, God.
274
00:10:30,142 --> 00:10:32,843
When are you gonna stop
proposing to all these women?
275
00:10:32,845 --> 00:10:34,945
Zoey, Kate...
276
00:10:34,947 --> 00:10:36,880
Alan.
Uh...
277
00:10:36,882 --> 00:10:39,216
actually, I'm gonna
break up with her.
278
00:10:39,218 --> 00:10:42,920
If you want, I can pull
together a breakup kit
279
00:10:42,922 --> 00:10:44,988
like I used to do for Charlie.
280
00:10:45,990 --> 00:10:47,891
It's a pint of Haagen Dazs,
281
00:10:47,893 --> 00:10:49,426
a bottle of wine
282
00:10:49,428 --> 00:10:53,464
and the only copy
of your sex tapes.
283
00:11:00,338 --> 00:11:02,272
Hey, Walden.
284
00:11:02,274 --> 00:11:03,474
Hey, Berta!
285
00:11:03,476 --> 00:11:05,709
What's your favorite flavor
of ice cream?
286
00:11:05,711 --> 00:11:07,478
Why?
287
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,012
No reason.
288
00:11:10,515 --> 00:11:12,616
Hey, thanks for coming.
289
00:11:12,618 --> 00:11:14,051
Why are you with me?
290
00:11:14,053 --> 00:11:16,320
Good, good. How are you?
291
00:11:16,322 --> 00:11:18,055
Are you with me
because you're afraid
292
00:11:18,057 --> 00:11:20,557
if you break up with me,
I'll screw up the adoption?
293
00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:23,394
What?!
294
00:11:23,396 --> 00:11:25,696
No!
295
00:11:25,698 --> 00:11:27,064
Come... I just, uh...
296
00:11:27,066 --> 00:11:29,500
Berta, how we coming
with that ice cream?
297
00:11:29,502 --> 00:11:31,301
Please be honest with me.
298
00:11:31,303 --> 00:11:33,670
Okay, to be honest...
299
00:11:33,672 --> 00:11:36,173
yeah, I did think that.
300
00:11:36,175 --> 00:11:37,975
But then I realized
that you would never
301
00:11:37,977 --> 00:11:39,877
ever do something like that.
302
00:11:39,879 --> 00:11:41,078
I was doing that.
303
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,479
I knew it!
304
00:11:42,481 --> 00:11:44,648
This morning,
I was going over your paperwork,
305
00:11:44,650 --> 00:11:46,950
and I literally considered
postponing the final hearing
306
00:11:46,952 --> 00:11:49,086
because I was afraid,
as soon as it happened,
307
00:11:49,088 --> 00:11:51,188
you would leave me.
308
00:11:51,190 --> 00:11:52,589
I would never do that to you.
309
00:11:52,591 --> 00:11:54,658
I was gonna break up
with you right now.
310
00:11:54,660 --> 00:11:57,361
So, you agree.
311
00:11:57,363 --> 00:11:59,930
We shouldn't see
each other anymore.
312
00:11:59,932 --> 00:12:01,331
Here.
313
00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:02,333
What's this?
314
00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:03,700
It's the final adoption forms.
315
00:12:03,702 --> 00:12:05,369
You have a court date tomorrow
316
00:12:05,371 --> 00:12:07,404
and everything's
gonna sail through.
317
00:12:07,406 --> 00:12:09,239
Congratulations.
Louis is yours.
318
00:12:09,241 --> 00:12:11,108
Oh, really?
319
00:12:12,243 --> 00:12:15,179
Oh... oh, my God, thank you.
320
00:12:15,181 --> 00:12:17,514
Ah, you know this is a
321
00:12:17,516 --> 00:12:19,349
"thank you for being
a great social worker" hug,
322
00:12:19,351 --> 00:12:21,018
not a "I want you back" hug.
323
00:12:21,020 --> 00:12:22,820
Yeah, I know.
324
00:12:22,822 --> 00:12:24,888
And don't worry, I'm
not gonna go all crazy
325
00:12:24,890 --> 00:12:26,523
and freak out on you.
326
00:12:26,525 --> 00:12:28,025
Come on, I know that.
327
00:12:28,027 --> 00:12:29,660
I froze your sperm.
328
00:12:33,064 --> 00:12:35,098
♪ Men. ♪
329
00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:37,301
Okay, buddy, here we go.
This is the first time
330
00:12:37,303 --> 00:12:39,369
we're walking into this house
as an official family.
331
00:12:39,371 --> 00:12:40,270
Cool.
332
00:12:40,272 --> 00:12:43,073
Walden Schmidt, Louis Schmidt
333
00:12:43,075 --> 00:12:46,543
and a big pile of Schmidt.
334
00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:49,313
Ah!
335
00:12:49,315 --> 00:12:51,081
Hey, you know, now
that you're my son,
336
00:12:51,083 --> 00:12:53,083
someday all of this
is gonna be yours.
337
00:12:53,085 --> 00:12:55,285
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not
get ahead of ourselves.
338
00:12:55,287 --> 00:12:57,488
So, what should we do
to celebrate
339
00:12:57,490 --> 00:12:59,156
this special family day?
340
00:12:59,158 --> 00:13:01,391
I'm going to play
Legos in my room!
341
00:13:01,393 --> 00:13:03,093
Oh, oh, uh, you mean,
342
00:13:03,095 --> 00:13:05,796
"I'm going to play
Legos in my room, Dad."
343
00:13:05,798 --> 00:13:07,564
I'm going home to get high.
344
00:13:07,566 --> 00:13:10,367
I mean, I'm going home
to get high...
345
00:13:10,369 --> 00:13:12,202
Dad.
346
00:13:14,239 --> 00:13:16,206
Seriously, I'm happy for you.
347
00:13:16,208 --> 00:13:19,443
And I want you to know I'm,
I'm here whenever you need me.
348
00:13:19,445 --> 00:13:20,911
Alan, you're not
getting the house.
349
00:13:20,913 --> 00:13:22,813
Damn it!
350
00:13:22,815 --> 00:13:24,014
This is weird.
351
00:13:24,016 --> 00:13:25,682
Feel like I should be
doing something dad-like.
352
00:13:25,684 --> 00:13:28,485
Like drinking beers outside.
353
00:13:28,487 --> 00:13:30,120
Or grilling something.
354
00:13:30,122 --> 00:13:31,388
You know, something manly.
355
00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:32,623
Oh, perfect!
356
00:13:32,625 --> 00:13:33,724
Uh, I have a nice, thick
357
00:13:33,726 --> 00:13:35,058
Portobello mushroom
you can grill.
358
00:13:35,060 --> 00:13:36,727
I said "something manly."
359
00:13:36,729 --> 00:13:38,195
Well, if you close your eyes,
you'll swear you have
360
00:13:38,197 --> 00:13:39,329
a piece of meat in your mouth.
361
00:13:39,331 --> 00:13:42,633
I'm never closing my eyes again.
362
00:13:42,635 --> 00:13:44,134
Just give me a beer.
363
00:13:44,136 --> 00:13:46,303
So, uh, how's it going
with Ms. McMartin?
364
00:13:46,305 --> 00:13:48,405
She seemed a little standoffish
at the courthouse.
365
00:13:48,407 --> 00:13:49,706
You know, I think
she was just trying
366
00:13:49,708 --> 00:13:50,908
to keep things professional.
367
00:13:50,910 --> 00:13:52,409
There's nothing going on
between us anymore.
368
00:13:52,411 --> 00:13:53,744
Guess it doesn't matter.
369
00:13:53,746 --> 00:13:55,946
We always knew it would
end up like this.
370
00:13:55,948 --> 00:13:57,180
Just you and me.
371
00:13:57,182 --> 00:13:58,715
Couple of cool bros,
372
00:13:58,717 --> 00:14:00,450
couple of chilled brews...
373
00:14:00,452 --> 00:14:02,052
and a couple of grilled 'bellos.
374
00:14:02,054 --> 00:14:05,889
Stop trying to shove
your mushrooms down my throat!
375
00:14:05,891 --> 00:14:08,258
My point is we don't need
anything else to be happy.
376
00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:10,661
Or anyone.
377
00:14:10,663 --> 00:14:11,695
Right, right!
378
00:14:11,697 --> 00:14:13,530
Let Lyndsey move
to San Francisco.
379
00:14:13,532 --> 00:14:15,465
There's no way I'm giving up
all this for her!
380
00:14:15,467 --> 00:14:16,900
I mean, look at this house!
381
00:14:16,902 --> 00:14:20,637
Look at the ocean and the view!
382
00:14:20,639 --> 00:14:22,506
That's why you broke up?
383
00:14:23,374 --> 00:14:24,942
You had a choice between Lyndsey
384
00:14:24,944 --> 00:14:26,310
and this house,
385
00:14:26,312 --> 00:14:28,111
and you chose this house?
386
00:14:28,113 --> 00:14:30,213
Yep.
387
00:14:30,215 --> 00:14:33,283
Okay, you gave up a relationship
with a woman who knows
388
00:14:33,285 --> 00:14:37,521
everything about you
and still wants to be with you
389
00:14:37,523 --> 00:14:40,057
because you didn't want
to leave this house?
390
00:14:40,059 --> 00:14:42,292
Yep.
391
00:14:42,294 --> 00:14:43,827
Okay, as I'm saying
this out loud,
392
00:14:43,829 --> 00:14:46,163
you are realizing what
a moron you are, aren't you?
393
00:14:46,165 --> 00:14:47,764
Yep.
394
00:14:47,766 --> 00:14:50,300
But-but I'm not the only one.
395
00:14:50,302 --> 00:14:52,836
Ms. McMartin is perfect for you.
396
00:14:52,838 --> 00:14:54,771
Come on, you're the one
who said she was crazy.
397
00:14:54,773 --> 00:14:57,541
Yes, yes, but when you really
look at it, what has she done?
398
00:14:57,543 --> 00:14:59,810
I mean, she fell in love
too quickly... like you.
399
00:14:59,812 --> 00:15:01,612
She only wants
what's best for Louis...
400
00:15:01,614 --> 00:15:02,980
like you.
401
00:15:02,982 --> 00:15:05,282
She's inexplicably
drawn to me...
402
00:15:05,284 --> 00:15:07,050
like you.
403
00:15:07,052 --> 00:15:11,121
She did surprise me by cooking
my favorite meal naked.
404
00:15:11,956 --> 00:15:13,190
Sadly, like you.
405
00:15:13,192 --> 00:15:15,325
I mean, at least I-I traded
Lyndsey for a house.
406
00:15:15,327 --> 00:15:16,927
What did you trade
Ms. McMartin for?
407
00:15:16,929 --> 00:15:17,961
Nothing.
408
00:15:17,963 --> 00:15:19,196
It's worse!
409
00:15:19,198 --> 00:15:21,531
I traded her for you!
410
00:15:23,001 --> 00:15:24,701
Oh, my God! We're idiots!
411
00:15:24,703 --> 00:15:25,702
I know. We're gonna die alone!
412
00:15:25,704 --> 00:15:28,672
Worse! We're gonna die
with each other!
413
00:15:28,674 --> 00:15:29,940
Go to Ms. McMartin!
414
00:15:29,942 --> 00:15:31,274
I will! Go to Lyndsey!
415
00:15:31,276 --> 00:15:32,676
I will! I love you!
416
00:15:32,678 --> 00:15:34,611
Oh, not the right time.
Knew that.
417
00:15:37,749 --> 00:15:39,916
♪ Men. ♪
418
00:15:43,554 --> 00:15:44,521
There you are.
419
00:15:49,827 --> 00:15:51,228
Walden?
420
00:15:51,230 --> 00:15:52,562
Surprise.
421
00:15:52,564 --> 00:15:53,797
Oh, I'm so sorry!
422
00:15:53,799 --> 00:15:55,265
I thought you were an intruder.
423
00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:57,534
But how did you get
in my apartment?
424
00:15:57,536 --> 00:15:59,936
Well, I was gonna, um...
425
00:15:59,938 --> 00:16:02,239
rent the vacant apartment
above you,
426
00:16:02,241 --> 00:16:03,774
and then rappel
down the building
427
00:16:03,776 --> 00:16:06,410
and smash through the window,
like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
428
00:16:06,412 --> 00:16:08,445
But then I just looked
under your mat,
429
00:16:08,447 --> 00:16:09,913
and I found your spare key.
430
00:16:09,915 --> 00:16:12,416
Oh! That's for my cat psychic.
431
00:16:12,418 --> 00:16:13,216
Wha...? Your what?
432
00:16:13,218 --> 00:16:14,484
What do you want?
433
00:16:14,486 --> 00:16:16,453
I-I remembered
that your favorite meal was
434
00:16:16,455 --> 00:16:19,156
pan-seared salmon
with orange miso glaze.
435
00:16:19,158 --> 00:16:20,691
Oh, my God,
you made that for me?
436
00:16:20,693 --> 00:16:22,259
No. Uh, I made...
437
00:16:22,261 --> 00:16:23,660
uh, grilled cheese since it's
438
00:16:23,662 --> 00:16:26,063
the only thing
I know how to make.
439
00:16:26,065 --> 00:16:28,532
But the important thing
is I remembered.
440
00:16:28,534 --> 00:16:30,333
Well, that's very sweet.
441
00:16:30,335 --> 00:16:32,235
But... why?
442
00:16:32,237 --> 00:16:34,571
I wanted to give us
another chance.
443
00:16:34,573 --> 00:16:37,374
Oh... oh, I don't know,
Walden...
444
00:16:37,376 --> 00:16:41,011
B-Before you say anything else,
just... listen to this.
445
00:16:41,013 --> 00:16:43,046
♪ When a man ♪
446
00:16:43,048 --> 00:16:45,882
♪ Loves a social worker. ♪
447
00:16:47,685 --> 00:16:49,753
♪ Men. ♪
448
00:16:49,755 --> 00:16:52,622
Hi. Uh, my girlfriend is about
to leave for San Francisco,
449
00:16:52,624 --> 00:16:55,559
and I need a ticket
on the 7:35 flight.
450
00:16:55,561 --> 00:16:57,627
Unfortunately,
there's only one seat left,
451
00:16:57,629 --> 00:16:59,362
and that's in first class.
452
00:16:59,364 --> 00:17:01,131
Oh, how much is it?
$1,100.
453
00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:03,600
Oh, go to hell!
454
00:17:03,602 --> 00:17:05,802
I'm sorry, that was not,
uh, directed at you.
455
00:17:05,804 --> 00:17:08,305
Uh, you know what,
uh, uh, Karen?
456
00:17:08,307 --> 00:17:10,640
Uh, is it possible
that someone
457
00:17:10,642 --> 00:17:12,876
who already has a coach seat
458
00:17:12,878 --> 00:17:15,746
could be bumped for some reason?
459
00:17:15,748 --> 00:17:17,114
Or...
460
00:17:17,116 --> 00:17:19,950
say, if I give you...
461
00:17:19,952 --> 00:17:21,585
ten reasons?
462
00:17:22,820 --> 00:17:26,556
And you give me
five reasons back?
463
00:17:27,759 --> 00:17:29,793
Sir, I cannot accept a bribe.
464
00:17:29,795 --> 00:17:32,562
And I certainly cannot
give you change for a bribe.
465
00:17:32,564 --> 00:17:34,865
You don't understand
how important it is
466
00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:37,167
for me to get this ticket!
467
00:17:37,169 --> 00:17:39,870
I will do anything.
468
00:17:39,872 --> 00:17:41,638
Anything.
469
00:17:42,673 --> 00:17:44,641
Perhaps Karen wants
470
00:17:44,643 --> 00:17:46,743
to get her groove back?
471
00:17:46,745 --> 00:17:49,312
There is one thing you can do.
472
00:17:49,314 --> 00:17:50,314
Name it.
473
00:17:50,315 --> 00:17:52,749
You can give me $1,100.
474
00:17:52,751 --> 00:17:54,818
I just... I just need
to get to that gate
475
00:17:54,820 --> 00:17:56,353
before my girlfriend
boards that plane.
476
00:17:56,355 --> 00:17:58,455
I-I need to tell her
that-that I-I love her
477
00:17:58,457 --> 00:18:01,124
and I was wrong and I want
to spend my life with her.
478
00:18:01,126 --> 00:18:02,959
I'm sorry, you should've
mentioned that before.
479
00:18:02,961 --> 00:18:07,030
We have a special fare
for big romantic gestures.
480
00:18:07,032 --> 00:18:10,333
And it's $1,100.
481
00:18:11,169 --> 00:18:12,602
Fine.
482
00:18:12,604 --> 00:18:14,738
I'll go.
483
00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:19,009
Karen: 1,100.
484
00:18:19,011 --> 00:18:21,945
Love: zero.
485
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:27,417
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
486
00:18:27,419 --> 00:18:28,819
♪ He can't keep his mind... ♪
487
00:18:28,821 --> 00:18:30,921
I also remembered
how you love Michael Bolton.
488
00:18:32,858 --> 00:18:36,493
Michael Bublé.
489
00:18:36,495 --> 00:18:38,628
Oh.
490
00:18:38,630 --> 00:18:39,863
♪ If she's bad,
he can't... ♪
491
00:18:39,865 --> 00:18:41,097
Bolton.
492
00:18:41,966 --> 00:18:43,500
You know any Bublé?
493
00:18:43,502 --> 00:18:45,735
God, no.
494
00:18:45,737 --> 00:18:47,437
Okay, we're done here.
495
00:18:48,506 --> 00:18:49,506
What are you looking at?
496
00:18:49,508 --> 00:18:50,640
Get the hell
out of here, Bolton!
497
00:18:50,642 --> 00:18:51,875
Fine.
498
00:18:51,877 --> 00:18:53,210
I gave up singing
the national anthem
499
00:18:53,212 --> 00:18:54,845
at the Lakers game for this.
500
00:18:57,715 --> 00:18:59,983
♪ When a man loves ♪
501
00:18:59,985 --> 00:19:02,786
♪ Grilled cheese sandwiches. ♪
502
00:19:05,057 --> 00:19:08,024
So, what do you say?
503
00:19:08,026 --> 00:19:09,893
Will you give us another chance?
504
00:19:09,895 --> 00:19:13,296
Walden, this is kind of
the man-woman playbook.
505
00:19:13,298 --> 00:19:15,999
I dumped you, and now
you want to be with me
506
00:19:16,001 --> 00:19:18,201
because you want
what you can't have.
507
00:19:18,203 --> 00:19:20,303
Oh, God, you're so smart.
Let's make out.
508
00:19:20,305 --> 00:19:21,504
I'm serious.
509
00:19:21,506 --> 00:19:23,006
Well, so am I!
510
00:19:23,008 --> 00:19:24,507
Come on, you're kind
and you're generous.
511
00:19:24,509 --> 00:19:26,810
And it... and it's cute
how you turn on the water
512
00:19:26,812 --> 00:19:29,713
in the bathroom so you think
I can't hear you peeing.
513
00:19:29,715 --> 00:19:31,314
Plus, we're good
in bed together.
514
00:19:31,316 --> 00:19:32,716
True.
515
00:19:32,718 --> 00:19:34,384
Although, after Alan,
anyone was gonna look good.
516
00:19:34,386 --> 00:19:36,653
Okay, I will give you,
like, a billion dollars
517
00:19:36,655 --> 00:19:39,122
if you never
bring that up again.
518
00:19:39,124 --> 00:19:40,624
Look, you don't have
to give me money
519
00:19:40,626 --> 00:19:42,626
when you want me to do
something-- just ask.
520
00:19:42,628 --> 00:19:45,762
Why can't you be my husband?
521
00:19:51,335 --> 00:19:53,970
I have to admit, it
would be kind of nice
522
00:19:53,972 --> 00:19:55,972
to have Bolton singing right now.
Oh.
523
00:19:55,974 --> 00:20:00,343
♪ When a man loves a woman... ♪
524
00:20:00,345 --> 00:20:02,345
♪ Men. ♪
525
00:20:08,892 --> 00:20:11,194
♪ Men. ♪
526
00:20:12,329 --> 00:20:14,063
Boarding pass?
Oh!
527
00:20:14,065 --> 00:20:15,932
Here you go, good sir.
528
00:20:15,934 --> 00:20:18,201
This is a Chinese takeout menu.
529
00:20:18,203 --> 00:20:20,803
Okay, okay, um, I do not have,
530
00:20:20,805 --> 00:20:22,171
uh, a boarding pass.
531
00:20:22,173 --> 00:20:24,474
But if you will let me
go to that gate,
532
00:20:24,476 --> 00:20:26,976
I'll do anything.
533
00:20:26,978 --> 00:20:29,779
Anything.
534
00:20:29,781 --> 00:20:32,115
You can't go to the gate
without a boarding pass.
535
00:20:32,117 --> 00:20:34,083
Have you ever been in love, sir?
536
00:20:34,085 --> 00:20:35,785
Yes. With America.
537
00:20:35,787 --> 00:20:38,087
Who I'm here to protect.
538
00:20:38,089 --> 00:20:40,590
That's why nobody gets through
without a boarding pass.
539
00:20:40,592 --> 00:20:42,258
Someone left a bag unattended!
540
00:20:42,260 --> 00:20:43,860
Lyndsey!
541
00:20:43,862 --> 00:20:45,094
We've got a runner!
542
00:20:45,096 --> 00:20:46,529
Lyndsey! Lyndsey!
543
00:20:46,531 --> 00:20:47,497
Alan?
544
00:20:47,499 --> 00:20:49,098
Lyndsey!
545
00:20:51,101 --> 00:20:54,770
I-I-I-I-I love-love-love-love-
love-love you-you-you-you-you!
546
00:20:54,772 --> 00:20:56,292
I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm
p-p-p-p-peeing!
547
00:20:59,973 --> 00:21:06,473
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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