1
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♪ Men. ♪
2
00:00:02,047 --> 00:00:04,012
Charlie lived life
to its fullest
3
00:00:04,012 --> 00:00:05,845
and-and gave it
everything he had.
4
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Gave me herpes.
5
00:00:08,149 --> 00:00:09,415
Vaginal warts.
6
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He used my panties
to make tea.
7
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My point is, um, that Charlie
lived life on his own terms.
8
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Blah, blah, blah.
Why can't we see the body?
9
00:00:20,328 --> 00:00:23,696
Charlie Harper
was the love of my life
10
00:00:23,698 --> 00:00:26,265
and a wonderful, wonderful man.
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He slipped on the Metro platform
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and fell in front
of an oncoming train.
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His body just exploded
like a balloon full of meat.
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I know what you said
you wanted, but...
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I really don't think
Pamela Anderson will agree
16
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to swallow your ashes.
17
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I ain't cleaning him up.
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♪ Men. ♪
19
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♪ Imagine me and you, I do
20
00:01:03,905 --> 00:01:06,272
♪ I think about you
day and night ♪
21
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♪ It's only right
22
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♪ To think about
the boy you love ♪
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♪ And hold him tight
24
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♪ So happy together
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♪ So how is the weather?
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♪ Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba
27
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♪ Ba, Ba-Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba, Ba
28
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♪ Ba-Ba, Ba, Ba.
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Lunchtime.
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Here you go.
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Tuna on toast...
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with vodka.
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Oh, don't give me that look.
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It needs to eat.
35
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Oh, is it sulking?
36
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Well, if it doesn't eat,
37
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it gets the hose.
38
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That's better.
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And pick up the napkin.
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Just because it lives in a pit,
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it doesn't have to live
like an animal.
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Thank you.
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And after it eats,
44
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it changes its clothes.
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♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
46
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♪ Ah.
♪ Men.
47
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♪ Two and a Half Men 12x15 ♪
Of Course He's Dead Part 1
Original Air Date on
48
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♪ Men. ♪
Got any good mail?
49
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Uh, let's see.
Uh, electric bill,
50
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cable bill, water bill.
Here you go.
51
00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:29,715
Do you ever
experience shame?
52
00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:31,651
Uh, shame is
a rich man's emotion.
53
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I can barely afford
embarrassment.
54
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Oh, wow.
55
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Something for Charlie.
56
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I-I told you to cancel
his subscription
57
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to the Sex Toy
of the Month Club.
58
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Oh, can't.
He paid for life.
59
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And, uh, January
was butt plug month.
60
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Oh. Oh, it's, uh...
it's from his music publisher.
61
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You okay?
62
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I'm-I'm... I'm not sure.
63
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Look.
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"Dear Mr. Harper:
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"We are holding unclaimed
music royalties for you
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in the amount of $2.5 million."
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Looks like those
children's records he made
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are still making money.
69
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Uh, say the number again.
70
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$2.5 million.
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Apparently, it's been
stacking up since he died.
72
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Like the butt plugs.
73
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Alan, you do realize that money
will go to his next of kin.
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Uh, yeah. That's me.
75
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Why do think I keep going...
76
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What about your mother
and his daughter?
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Oh, you're serious.
78
00:03:47,195 --> 00:03:50,296
Alan, you can't keep that kind
of money secret from them.
79
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:51,630
Why not? I kept from you
80
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that I used your Tesla
to drive for Uber.
81
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Hello.
Yes, I-I just received a notice
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of unclaimed royalties
for Charlie Harper
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that I would like to claim.
84
00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:05,511
Oh, oh, yeah, sure, I'll hold.
85
00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:07,646
What are you doing?
Uh, claiming.
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Uh, yes, yes. Hi.
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Uh, I am, uh, Alan Harper.
88
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Uh, I'm Charlie Harper's
next of kin.
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00:04:13,221 --> 00:04:16,889
Yes, uh, uh, sadly, he-he
passed away four years ago.
90
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Yes, I-I am sorry, too.
91
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Uh, he's irreplaceable.
92
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Uh, anyway, um...
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I guess you can just, you know,
send me the check and...
94
00:04:31,973 --> 00:04:34,306
Uh, death certificate?
95
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,176
Uh, o-okay, uh, is that...
96
00:04:37,178 --> 00:04:40,112
is that necessary
to get the money?
97
00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:42,782
Okay. Uh, how about, uh,
you send me the check,
98
00:04:42,784 --> 00:04:44,884
I'll send you
the death certificate?
99
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,522
Or we can do it your way.
100
00:04:49,524 --> 00:04:51,323
Uh, uh, oh, oh,
101
00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:53,793
and by the way, um, uh,
when you give me the money,
102
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do you notify the IRS,
or is that my responsibility?
103
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Mine! Perfect.
104
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Uh, bye-bye.
105
00:05:01,202 --> 00:05:02,368
Our divorce is final, right?
106
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:06,639
Alan, I neither want
nor need your money.
107
00:05:06,641 --> 00:05:07,907
Oh, I know that, uh,
108
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but could you say that
again on camera?
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O-Okay, okay.
110
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You don't have
the death certificate, do you?
111
00:05:13,915 --> 00:05:15,080
No, but I'm sure my mom does.
112
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How are you
going to get it from her
113
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without telling her
about the money?
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Uh, remember four years ago
115
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how I told you I'd only
be here for a few days?
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I think I can figure it out.
117
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I can't wait for this
to be over.
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♪ Men. ♪
119
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Well, this is a surprise.
120
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,501
You visit so seldom.
121
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I know. I know.
122
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I need to do it more.
123
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I wasn't complaining.
124
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So, how have you been?
125
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Well, uh, uh, it's
funny you should ask.
126
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Um, I've been doing a
lot of thinking lately.
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I'm not giving you
a penny.
128
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I, uh... I didn't
come for money.
129
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Or a place to live or a car.
130
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Or affection or
nurturing. I get it.
131
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Uh, uh, I was thinking.
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You know, um, well, maybe
it's my age, but, uh,
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I'm starting to reflect
on the big questions.
134
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You know, what's...
what's it all about?
135
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:05,464
Uh, why are we here?
136
00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:06,866
What happens when we die?
137
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I know what happens
when I die.
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You get nothing.
139
00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:12,872
Mom, I-I told you,
I did not come here...
140
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Really? Nothing?
141
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:16,275
It's not because
I don't love you.
142
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I just don't want to give you
a reason to kill me.
143
00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:22,181
You mean another reason.
144
00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:31,790
Where are all these
morbid thoughts coming from?
145
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,125
As long as I've known you,
146
00:06:33,127 --> 00:06:35,027
you've never been
much of a thinker.
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00:06:35,029 --> 00:06:39,031
Or a... a doer
or a provider or...
148
00:06:39,033 --> 00:06:43,002
pretty much anything
with "er" at the end.
149
00:06:43,004 --> 00:06:46,205
Maybe I've been asking all
these questions because
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00:06:46,207 --> 00:06:48,340
the anniversary of Charlie's
death is coming up.
151
00:06:48,342 --> 00:06:50,142
So?
- So I was thinking
152
00:06:50,144 --> 00:06:52,945
it might be nice to do
something to commemorate it.
153
00:06:52,947 --> 00:06:56,982
Like what? Snort coke
off a hooker's butt?
154
00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:01,086
Uh, actually, uh,
uh, more like, uh,
155
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,322
make a...
a memorial collage.
156
00:07:03,324 --> 00:07:06,659
A what?
157
00:07:06,661 --> 00:07:08,060
A... a memorial collage.
158
00:07:08,062 --> 00:07:10,896
You know, a collection of
images celebrating his life.
159
00:07:10,898 --> 00:07:13,198
Uh, things like, uh,
his birth certificate,
160
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,134
uh, family pictures,
death certificate,
161
00:07:15,136 --> 00:07:17,136
uh, awards, sheet
music, diplomas,
162
00:07:17,138 --> 00:07:18,737
death certificate, um...
163
00:07:18,739 --> 00:07:20,606
I don't know how much
I can help you.
164
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I-I've got his
birth certificate,
165
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:23,108
a few baby pictures,
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00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,344
the little hash pipe
he made in camp.
167
00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:27,713
No death certificate?
168
00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:28,981
No.
169
00:07:28,983 --> 00:07:30,249
I-I just thought you had it.
170
00:07:30,251 --> 00:07:31,251
Oh. Well, bye.
171
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:36,322
♪ Men. ♪
172
00:07:36,324 --> 00:07:39,725
I'm sorry. I can't find any
record of your brother's death.
173
00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:42,127
You sure?
Uh, newspapers, obituaries?
174
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,862
No, I checked everything
on Charlie Harper--
175
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:45,998
both here and in France-- and...
176
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:49,735
I-I found a bunch
of weird self-shot sex videos,
177
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:52,671
including one featuring
what appears to be
178
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:56,442
the USC men's water polo team?
179
00:07:56,444 --> 00:08:01,313
I also found this crazy rant
about a former employer.
180
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,857
But there's nothing
about his death.
181
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,359
How is that possible?
182
00:08:13,361 --> 00:08:14,827
Did you ever see the body?
183
00:08:14,829 --> 00:08:17,096
There was no body.
The man was hit by a train.
184
00:08:17,098 --> 00:08:18,330
All that was left was a...
185
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,332
a meat smoothie
and a couple of teeth.
186
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,701
Well, how do you know
he's really dead?
187
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,703
Well, of course he's dead.
I have his ashes.
188
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:26,805
How do you know
that they're his ashes?
189
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:29,341
Well, what do you want me to do,
test them for herpes?
190
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:34,246
♪ Men. ♪
191
00:08:34,248 --> 00:08:37,549
♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
little star ♪
192
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:41,120
♪ I always know
just where you are ♪
193
00:08:41,122 --> 00:08:44,390
♪ In a pit below my house
194
00:08:44,392 --> 00:08:47,926
♪ You will always
be my spouse. ♪
195
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:53,932
Oh, boy.
196
00:08:58,272 --> 00:09:00,372
Never put a window in a dungeon.
197
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,575
♪ Men. ♪
198
00:09:10,396 --> 00:09:12,597
♪ Men. ♪
199
00:09:13,766 --> 00:09:16,802
Yes, I am calling
about the $2.5 million
200
00:09:16,804 --> 00:09:19,404
in unclaimed royalties
for Charlie Harper.
201
00:09:19,406 --> 00:09:21,173
Uh, uh, good news.
202
00:09:21,175 --> 00:09:22,607
Uh, I have just received
203
00:09:22,609 --> 00:09:24,442
the death certificate
from France.
204
00:09:24,444 --> 00:09:26,278
Uh, it's in French
and everything
205
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:28,613
so you know it's real.
206
00:09:28,615 --> 00:09:30,649
Oh, oh, sure, I'll hold.
207
00:09:30,651 --> 00:09:33,685
Uh, "cause de décès."
208
00:09:33,687 --> 00:09:37,989
Uh... uh, Le...
209
00:09:37,991 --> 00:09:40,492
train.
210
00:09:40,494 --> 00:09:42,828
Oh, yes, yes, I'm still here.
211
00:09:42,830 --> 00:09:44,529
What?
212
00:09:44,531 --> 00:09:46,064
It's already been claimed?
213
00:09:46,066 --> 00:09:47,632
By whom?
214
00:09:47,634 --> 00:09:49,534
Was it an older red-headed woman
215
00:09:49,536 --> 00:09:51,937
wearing a coat
made of Dalmatians?
216
00:09:53,406 --> 00:09:55,440
What do you mean,
you can't tell me?
217
00:09:55,442 --> 00:09:57,742
A... a numbered account
in the Cayman Islands?
218
00:09:57,744 --> 00:09:59,711
That makes no sense.
219
00:09:59,713 --> 00:10:02,914
FedEx just dropped off
a box addressed to Charlie.
220
00:10:02,916 --> 00:10:05,116
Uh... uh, uh,
I'll call you back.
221
00:10:06,485 --> 00:10:09,588
If that's a blow-up sex doll,
can I have it?
222
00:10:10,790 --> 00:10:13,458
My grandkids need a pool toy.
223
00:10:16,362 --> 00:10:18,263
Cuban cigars?
224
00:10:18,265 --> 00:10:20,131
Charlie's favorite smokes.
225
00:10:21,534 --> 00:10:23,268
Single malt scotch?
226
00:10:23,270 --> 00:10:25,871
Charlie's favorite breakfast.
227
00:10:27,139 --> 00:10:28,673
What the hell?
228
00:10:28,675 --> 00:10:31,276
Looks the knife he used to
chase you around the house with.
229
00:10:33,813 --> 00:10:35,580
Yeah, that's it.
230
00:10:41,387 --> 00:10:44,956
"I'm coming home,
and you're going to pay."
231
00:10:44,958 --> 00:10:46,691
That's got to be a wrong number.
232
00:10:46,693 --> 00:10:48,660
You never pay for anything.
233
00:10:51,063 --> 00:10:52,731
♪ Men. ♪
234
00:10:52,733 --> 00:10:54,232
Walden!
- Alan?
235
00:10:54,234 --> 00:10:56,201
Ms. McMartin, I'm sorry.
Uh, where's Walden?
236
00:10:56,203 --> 00:10:58,436
I'm a little busy, Alan.
237
00:10:58,438 --> 00:10:59,804
Oh, okay.
238
00:10:59,806 --> 00:11:02,641
Uh, are-are you aware
she's reading Cosmo?
239
00:11:02,643 --> 00:11:04,276
It's a how-to article.
240
00:11:04,278 --> 00:11:06,411
Well, it's not
so much "how to,"
241
00:11:06,413 --> 00:11:08,713
as "how to do it better."
242
00:11:08,715 --> 00:11:10,248
Seriously?
243
00:11:11,484 --> 00:11:14,653
Hey. Even Tiger Woods
needs a swing coach.
244
00:11:14,655 --> 00:11:15,820
Listen, can you
245
00:11:15,822 --> 00:11:18,323
just come back in,
like, what, 20 minutes?
246
00:11:18,325 --> 00:11:20,125
Eh...
247
00:11:20,127 --> 00:11:22,394
No. This can't wait.
Look at this text.
248
00:11:23,597 --> 00:11:25,096
Okay, that can't
be for you.
249
00:11:25,098 --> 00:11:26,865
You never pay
for anything.
250
00:11:26,867 --> 00:11:29,234
I think, somehow, some way...
251
00:11:29,236 --> 00:11:31,336
Charlie is still alive.
252
00:11:31,338 --> 00:11:33,038
Okay, this is ridiculous.
253
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,540
There's more.
A package came addressed to him.
254
00:11:35,542 --> 00:11:37,509
Oh, is it something
that vibrates?
255
00:11:37,511 --> 00:11:40,378
'Cause I could really
use some help with this.
256
00:11:41,681 --> 00:11:43,381
He ain't lying.
257
00:11:44,483 --> 00:11:46,651
No. It's-it's-it's not sex toys.
258
00:11:46,653 --> 00:11:48,453
I am telling you,
Charlie is coming back,
259
00:11:48,455 --> 00:11:50,021
and he is not happy with me.
260
00:11:50,023 --> 00:11:51,656
Well, at the moment,
neither am I.
261
00:11:51,658 --> 00:11:52,857
Should I go?
262
00:11:52,859 --> 00:11:54,559
No, no, no, no, no.
We're so close.
263
00:11:54,561 --> 00:11:56,461
Eh-eh...
264
00:11:56,463 --> 00:11:58,163
Walden, it's like you said.
265
00:11:58,165 --> 00:12:00,265
I mean, there was no proof
that Charlie ever died.
266
00:12:00,267 --> 00:12:01,766
All we have is Rose's word.
267
00:12:01,768 --> 00:12:02,867
Who's Rose?
268
00:12:02,869 --> 00:12:04,736
Oh, she's this
crazy millionairess
269
00:12:04,738 --> 00:12:06,071
that used to stalk Charlie,
270
00:12:06,073 --> 00:12:07,572
and then he
married her.
271
00:12:07,574 --> 00:12:09,274
And then she started
stalking me.
272
00:12:09,276 --> 00:12:11,009
Why? Did you
sleep with her?
273
00:12:13,446 --> 00:12:15,046
Alan slept with her, too.
274
00:12:15,048 --> 00:12:16,715
Hey, after 12 years,
275
00:12:16,717 --> 00:12:18,450
everybody's slept
with everybody.
276
00:12:18,452 --> 00:12:21,052
Alan!
Alan, where are you?
277
00:12:21,054 --> 00:12:22,620
Uh, in here!
278
00:12:22,622 --> 00:12:24,556
Oh, for God sakes!
279
00:12:24,558 --> 00:12:26,458
That's my mother. Uh, oh,
Walden slept with her, too.
280
00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:28,960
Uh... you slept with my mom!
281
00:12:28,962 --> 00:12:31,396
No, that was just a handy
in a hotel bar.
282
00:12:31,398 --> 00:12:32,864
I am a gentleman.
283
00:12:34,266 --> 00:12:35,567
We need to talk.
284
00:12:35,569 --> 00:12:37,202
Oh. Who's this?
285
00:12:37,204 --> 00:12:40,638
Uh, this is my son's
social worker, Ms. McMartin.
286
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,741
And you're shtupping her.
How lovely.
287
00:12:42,743 --> 00:12:44,175
Uh, Mom, don't be rude.
288
00:12:44,177 --> 00:12:45,910
Uh, and I shtupped her first.
289
00:12:45,912 --> 00:12:48,046
I really should go.
290
00:12:48,048 --> 00:12:49,581
Yeah. Uh, okay.
291
00:12:49,583 --> 00:12:51,216
Just remember
which step we're on.
292
00:12:51,218 --> 00:12:52,717
Number six:
293
00:12:52,719 --> 00:12:55,720
"finding the little man
in the canoe."
294
00:12:55,722 --> 00:12:57,722
I don't remember you
having any trouble...
295
00:12:57,724 --> 00:12:59,524
Okay, everybody stop!
296
00:12:59,526 --> 00:13:01,726
What are you doing here?
297
00:13:01,728 --> 00:13:04,696
I want to know why you sent
me this hateful e-mail.
298
00:13:06,032 --> 00:13:07,565
Uh, "Dear Mom:
299
00:13:07,567 --> 00:13:09,534
"You were always
a horrible mother
300
00:13:09,536 --> 00:13:11,202
"and a repulsive
human being,
301
00:13:11,204 --> 00:13:12,971
"and I hope you
rot in hell.
302
00:13:12,973 --> 00:13:14,639
"But before you do,
303
00:13:14,641 --> 00:13:17,175
I will have my revenge."
304
00:13:17,177 --> 00:13:20,812
Okay, I don't disagree
with anything here...
305
00:13:21,947 --> 00:13:23,615
...but I did not send that.
306
00:13:23,617 --> 00:13:27,252
Really? Who else would call
me "a horrible mother"?
307
00:13:27,254 --> 00:13:29,254
No, no, it's still ridiculous.
308
00:13:29,256 --> 00:13:30,422
What's ridiculous?
309
00:13:30,424 --> 00:13:32,157
Alan has this crazy idea
310
00:13:32,159 --> 00:13:33,858
that Charlie's still alive.
311
00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:35,427
But then who sent her
that e-mail?
312
00:13:35,429 --> 00:13:36,928
Who sent me this text?
313
00:13:36,930 --> 00:13:39,798
Where did the cigars, booze
and chasin' knife come from?
314
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,533
Wait, what's a chasin' knife?
315
00:13:41,535 --> 00:13:42,634
Uh, it's a regular knife
316
00:13:42,636 --> 00:13:44,276
after two bottles
of scotch and some blow.
317
00:13:46,672 --> 00:13:48,273
Who else would have sent it?
318
00:13:48,275 --> 00:13:49,574
I don't know.
319
00:13:49,576 --> 00:13:51,810
Like, somebody that wants
to freak you out.
320
00:13:51,812 --> 00:13:53,912
Think about it: Who has
something to gain from this?
321
00:13:53,914 --> 00:13:55,947
Who else has a claim
on that money?
322
00:13:55,949 --> 00:13:56,949
What money?
323
00:13:56,950 --> 00:13:58,349
No money.
There's no money.
324
00:13:58,351 --> 00:13:59,350
Alan, will you just tell her?
325
00:14:01,221 --> 00:14:03,822
I don't want to.
326
00:14:03,824 --> 00:14:05,290
Alan!
327
00:14:05,292 --> 00:14:09,494
Turns out, uh, there are
some unclaimed royalties,
328
00:14:09,496 --> 00:14:11,529
uh, from Charlie's recordings.
329
00:14:11,531 --> 00:14:13,164
How much?
330
00:14:13,166 --> 00:14:15,433
Uh, two and a half...
thousand dollars.
331
00:14:15,435 --> 00:14:16,601
Alan!
332
00:14:16,603 --> 00:14:18,570
Million.
333
00:14:18,572 --> 00:14:21,272
$2.5 million.
334
00:14:21,274 --> 00:14:24,342
Ah, the memorial
collage.
335
00:14:24,344 --> 00:14:26,845
That's why you wanted
the death certificate--
336
00:14:26,847 --> 00:14:28,847
so you could
claim the money.
337
00:14:28,849 --> 00:14:31,049
You dirty rat bastard.
338
00:14:31,051 --> 00:14:32,317
What would you have done?
339
00:14:33,719 --> 00:14:36,321
We're wasting time here.
340
00:14:36,323 --> 00:14:39,023
Now, who else could have
a claim on the money?
341
00:14:40,460 --> 00:14:41,793
Oh, God!
342
00:14:41,795 --> 00:14:42,961
Ah, damn it.
343
00:14:42,963 --> 00:14:44,929
She found the
little man without me.
344
00:14:47,266 --> 00:14:48,967
♪ Men. ♪
345
00:14:48,969 --> 00:14:51,636
Anyway, we were thinking
of putting together
346
00:14:51,638 --> 00:14:53,438
a sort of memorial collage...
347
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:55,173
Oh, for God sakes,
will you just tell her?
348
00:14:55,175 --> 00:15:00,078
Um, some money owed to your
father has been discovered.
349
00:15:01,180 --> 00:15:02,847
Really? How much?
350
00:15:02,849 --> 00:15:04,215
Two and a half thousand.
351
00:15:04,217 --> 00:15:07,652
Million.
It's $2.5 million.
352
00:15:07,654 --> 00:15:09,187
Why are you here?
353
00:15:09,189 --> 00:15:12,056
You know what? I've been asking
myself that since day one.
354
00:15:26,005 --> 00:15:27,939
Honestly, I forgot she was here.
355
00:15:27,941 --> 00:15:29,941
Look, anyway,
356
00:15:29,943 --> 00:15:32,277
somebody claimed it
and transferred it
357
00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:34,078
into a numbered account
in the Caymans.
358
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:35,613
And you think it was me?
359
00:15:35,615 --> 00:15:37,649
Would I be living
in a one-bedroom apartment
360
00:15:37,651 --> 00:15:39,384
if I had that kind of money?
361
00:15:48,894 --> 00:15:49,994
I don't have my contacts in.
362
00:15:49,996 --> 00:15:51,356
Was that the same one
or different?
363
00:15:53,934 --> 00:15:55,233
Excuse me.
364
00:15:55,235 --> 00:15:57,302
Wow. You hang a penis
on that girl,
365
00:15:57,304 --> 00:15:58,937
and you've got Charlie.
366
00:16:00,774 --> 00:16:03,074
Thank you. Huh.
367
00:16:03,076 --> 00:16:04,442
Certified letter
from a law firm.
368
00:16:04,444 --> 00:16:06,644
Might mean traveling money.
Stand by.
369
00:16:07,813 --> 00:16:09,147
Oh, my God.
370
00:16:09,149 --> 00:16:10,415
What is it?
371
00:16:10,417 --> 00:16:12,684
Am I seeing that right?
That's a lot of zeroes.
372
00:16:12,686 --> 00:16:15,787
It's a cashier's check
for $100,000.
373
00:16:17,023 --> 00:16:18,356
Who's it from?
374
00:16:18,358 --> 00:16:20,425
I don't know.
Oh, but there's a note.
375
00:16:20,427 --> 00:16:22,393
It says,
"Buy yourself something nice.
376
00:16:22,395 --> 00:16:24,529
Sorry I wasn't there for you."
377
00:16:24,531 --> 00:16:25,897
I don't care who it's from.
378
00:16:25,899 --> 00:16:27,966
Apology accepted.
379
00:16:29,001 --> 00:16:31,269
Is the bathroom in here?
380
00:16:31,271 --> 00:16:33,905
♪ Men. ♪
381
00:16:33,907 --> 00:16:36,341
"Buy yourself something nice.
382
00:16:36,343 --> 00:16:38,343
"Sorry I broke your heart...
383
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:40,445
"and banged your sister.
384
00:16:40,447 --> 00:16:44,315
As I write this, I realize those
two things might be related."
385
00:16:47,653 --> 00:16:49,754
Hmm. Screw my sister.
386
00:16:49,756 --> 00:16:52,123
♪ Men. ♪
387
00:16:53,626 --> 00:16:55,460
"Buy yourself something nice.
388
00:16:55,462 --> 00:16:58,396
"Sorry I shot you.
389
00:16:58,398 --> 00:17:01,466
I didn't know I was loaded."
390
00:17:01,468 --> 00:17:03,868
♪ Men. ♪
391
00:17:03,870 --> 00:17:06,004
"Buy yourself something nice.
392
00:17:06,006 --> 00:17:08,806
Tell your mom I'm sorry
I gave her chlamydia."
393
00:17:12,244 --> 00:17:14,012
♪ Men. ♪
394
00:17:14,014 --> 00:17:16,080
"Sorry I never called.
395
00:17:16,082 --> 00:17:18,316
Buy yourself a nice vagina."
396
00:17:19,685 --> 00:17:22,020
Aw.
397
00:17:22,022 --> 00:17:24,122
♪ Men. ♪
398
00:17:24,124 --> 00:17:26,724
Well, obviously Jenny
didn't claim the royalties.
399
00:17:26,726 --> 00:17:28,493
Why would she send
a check to herself?
400
00:17:28,495 --> 00:17:30,528
Yeah, but you still
don't know it was Charlie.
401
00:17:30,530 --> 00:17:32,297
Oh, who else is going to send
402
00:17:32,299 --> 00:17:35,366
an unemployed lesbian actress
$100,000?
403
00:17:35,368 --> 00:17:37,869
I don't know.
Ellen DeGeneres?
404
00:17:39,271 --> 00:17:41,272
I'm telling you,
Charlie's alive.
405
00:17:41,274 --> 00:17:42,840
Oh, good.
406
00:17:42,842 --> 00:17:44,342
Then I don't have to tell you.
407
00:17:44,344 --> 00:17:47,545
♪ Men, men, men. ♪
408
00:17:55,597 --> 00:17:57,131
♪ Men. ♪
409
00:17:57,133 --> 00:17:58,966
Charlie is still alive?
410
00:17:58,969 --> 00:18:01,637
Yeah, kinda.
411
00:18:01,639 --> 00:18:03,105
What do you mean, "kinda"?
412
00:18:03,107 --> 00:18:05,207
'Cause she "kinda" drank when
she was pregnant with me,
413
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:07,443
and now I "kinda"
can't do math.
414
00:18:07,445 --> 00:18:09,378
Hey.
415
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,480
Hey.
What are you still doing here?
416
00:18:11,482 --> 00:18:14,216
Oh, I accidentally fell asleep
in Zippy's room.
417
00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:16,985
How do you accidentally
fall asleep?
418
00:18:16,987 --> 00:18:20,456
You accidentally wash down
your pain pills with scotch.
419
00:18:23,726 --> 00:18:25,694
What's Fatal Attraction
doing here?
420
00:18:27,297 --> 00:18:30,065
She says that Charlie
is still alive.
421
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:31,900
I knew it.
422
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:32,968
Alan,
423
00:18:32,970 --> 00:18:34,870
if you move out
424
00:18:34,872 --> 00:18:37,639
and Charlie stays here
with Walden,
425
00:18:37,641 --> 00:18:41,009
I believe that we can
keep this going
426
00:18:41,011 --> 00:18:43,245
for another five years.
427
00:18:45,515 --> 00:18:47,382
Yeah, I don't think so.
428
00:18:47,384 --> 00:18:49,918
Uh... so, uh...
429
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,954
what exactly
happened to Charlie?
430
00:18:51,956 --> 00:18:53,188
Yeah, start from
the beginning.
431
00:18:53,190 --> 00:18:55,791
You mean from the pilot?
432
00:18:55,793 --> 00:18:58,427
No, uh, what happened to my
brother after you married him?
433
00:18:58,429 --> 00:18:59,628
Oh.
434
00:18:59,630 --> 00:19:01,897
Well, we had
a wonderful wedding,
435
00:19:01,899 --> 00:19:05,100
and then we flew to Paris
for our honeymoon.
436
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:08,537
We were so happy.
So animated.
437
00:19:12,443 --> 00:19:15,644
We went up
on the Eiffel Tower...
438
00:19:15,646 --> 00:19:17,813
and went down
on the Champs-Elysées.
439
00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:21,049
Ooh!
440
00:19:21,051 --> 00:19:23,619
Afterwards,
we celebrated our love
441
00:19:23,621 --> 00:19:26,855
with a romantic
candlelit dinner at the Ritz.
442
00:19:34,865 --> 00:19:37,866
Of course, I've always known
Charlie was no saint,
443
00:19:37,868 --> 00:19:40,035
but I thought marriage
would change him.
444
00:19:40,037 --> 00:19:41,169
Huh?
445
00:19:41,171 --> 00:19:43,472
I was wrong.
446
00:19:43,474 --> 00:19:45,207
So wrong.
447
00:19:45,209 --> 00:19:46,408
Huh?
448
00:19:46,410 --> 00:19:48,076
Disturbingly wrong.
449
00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:52,681
I ran from the room, determined
to never see him again.
450
00:19:52,683 --> 00:19:54,182
Charlie...
451
00:19:54,184 --> 00:19:56,818
He finally caught up with me
at the train station,
452
00:19:56,820 --> 00:19:58,453
but all I could
think about was...
453
00:19:58,455 --> 00:20:00,055
revenge.
454
00:20:00,057 --> 00:20:03,559
But at the last second,
fate intervened.
455
00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:07,462
So I booked us a cruise home.
456
00:20:10,199 --> 00:20:13,368
We moved in to a brand-new
house in Sherman Oaks--
457
00:20:13,370 --> 00:20:15,804
the good part,
south of the boulevard--
458
00:20:15,806 --> 00:20:17,873
where we could live
as a happy couple.
459
00:20:17,875 --> 00:20:19,374
Wait a minute.
460
00:20:19,376 --> 00:20:21,476
You bought a house
with a dungeon?
461
00:20:21,478 --> 00:20:23,078
And a pit?
462
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,379
Of course not.
463
00:20:24,381 --> 00:20:25,814
I had it remodeled.
464
00:20:25,816 --> 00:20:28,283
The permit process
was just a nightmare.
465
00:20:28,285 --> 00:20:29,952
Next time,
use my pit guy.
466
00:20:29,954 --> 00:20:31,386
He's the best.
467
00:20:31,388 --> 00:20:33,522
Continue.
468
00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:35,390
For the next four years,
469
00:20:35,392 --> 00:20:37,926
we were the happiest
we'd ever been.
470
00:20:37,928 --> 00:20:40,062
I'd feed him...
471
00:20:40,064 --> 00:20:41,396
bathe him...
472
00:20:41,398 --> 00:20:44,066
and, of course,
there was endless
473
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:46,134
magical lovemaking.
474
00:20:46,136 --> 00:20:50,739
Then, a few days ago,
the unthinkable happened.
475
00:20:50,741 --> 00:20:52,307
Somehow, he managed
to make a rope
476
00:20:52,309 --> 00:20:54,576
out of his bowling shirts
and ran away,
477
00:20:54,578 --> 00:20:56,979
disappearing into the darkness.
478
00:20:59,683 --> 00:21:01,984
Th-Th-Th-That's all, folks.
479
00:21:03,286 --> 00:21:05,253
♪ Men. ♪
480
00:21:05,277 --> 00:21:09,277
♪ Two and a Half Men 12x16 ♪
Of Course He's Dead Part 2
Original Air Date on
481
00:21:11,564 --> 00:21:12,630
♪ Men. ♪
482
00:21:12,632 --> 00:21:13,865
Charlie escaped?
483
00:21:13,867 --> 00:21:15,233
Uh, no.
484
00:21:15,235 --> 00:21:16,634
Prisoners escape.
485
00:21:16,636 --> 00:21:19,237
Lovers run away because
they're afraid of commitment.
486
00:21:20,572 --> 00:21:22,540
Any-who, I just thought
I should tell you.
487
00:21:22,542 --> 00:21:26,978
You know, in case he drops by
and guts you all like fish.
488
00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:29,414
Why me? He doesn't
even know me.
489
00:21:29,416 --> 00:21:31,582
Oh, I told him all about you--
490
00:21:31,584 --> 00:21:33,618
how you're richer than him,
prettier than him,
491
00:21:33,620 --> 00:21:35,486
and moved into his house
and carried on
492
00:21:35,488 --> 00:21:37,121
like he never existed.
493
00:21:38,157 --> 00:21:41,059
Thank you.
494
00:21:41,061 --> 00:21:42,427
Hold on, Rose.
495
00:21:42,429 --> 00:21:45,663
If Charlie is alive,
who's in the urn?
496
00:21:45,665 --> 00:21:47,665
Oh. That's Billy.
497
00:21:47,667 --> 00:21:49,400
Who's Billy?
498
00:21:49,402 --> 00:21:50,802
The bisexual goat
499
00:21:50,804 --> 00:21:53,237
who gave his life
that your son might live.
500
00:21:55,007 --> 00:21:57,375
So... so, what are we
supposed to do now?
501
00:21:57,377 --> 00:21:58,609
Wait a second.
502
00:21:58,611 --> 00:22:01,446
Are we really not gonna
talk about the fact
503
00:22:01,448 --> 00:22:03,848
that Charlie was having
sex with a goat?
504
00:22:03,850 --> 00:22:05,683
Well, you didn't know Charlie.
505
00:22:05,685 --> 00:22:08,453
It would have been weirder
if he hadn't.
506
00:22:08,455 --> 00:22:10,488
Well, now that
you're all caught up,
507
00:22:10,490 --> 00:22:12,190
I'll say my good-byes.
508
00:22:12,192 --> 00:22:13,192
You're leaving?
509
00:22:13,193 --> 00:22:14,358
Um, yeah.
510
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:16,060
I'm not gonna stick around
to find out
511
00:22:16,062 --> 00:22:18,996
what he's going to do to me just
because I loved him too much.
512
00:22:18,998 --> 00:22:20,665
Toodles.
513
00:22:24,603 --> 00:22:26,838
Nah. That's just stupid.
514
00:22:30,309 --> 00:22:32,777
No... no, no, no, no,
this is ridiculous.
515
00:22:32,779 --> 00:22:34,712
He's not gonna hurt anybody.
516
00:22:34,714 --> 00:22:36,714
Oh, of course not.
517
00:22:36,716 --> 00:22:38,716
Rose, wait up.
518
00:22:38,718 --> 00:22:40,518
What, you're...
you're leaving, too?
519
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:42,787
Alan, your brother
wasn't very pleasant
520
00:22:42,789 --> 00:22:44,322
if he missed his morning coffee.
521
00:22:44,324 --> 00:22:46,124
How do you think
he's going to be
522
00:22:46,126 --> 00:22:47,992
after four years in a pit?
523
00:22:47,994 --> 00:22:49,827
So you're just gonna bail?
524
00:22:49,829 --> 00:22:51,929
Uh... yep.
525
00:22:53,332 --> 00:22:54,832
Berta, good-bye.
526
00:22:54,834 --> 00:22:57,468
I never really cared for you.
527
00:22:58,737 --> 00:23:00,571
Right back at you, Red.
528
00:23:00,573 --> 00:23:02,540
Walden...
529
00:23:04,009 --> 00:23:06,177
I loved you like a son.
530
00:23:07,513 --> 00:23:10,047
Alan...
531
00:23:10,049 --> 00:23:12,383
good luck.
532
00:23:15,254 --> 00:23:17,655
Well, I-I guess
we should go, too.
533
00:23:17,657 --> 00:23:18,856
Hold on.
534
00:23:18,858 --> 00:23:20,324
We're not really gonna run
535
00:23:20,326 --> 00:23:22,426
'cause of some
crazy woman's story
536
00:23:22,428 --> 00:23:24,729
and some vague text threats.
537
00:23:29,635 --> 00:23:31,502
Okay, this one's
a little more specific.
538
00:23:31,504 --> 00:23:33,437
What does it say?
539
00:23:33,439 --> 00:23:36,707
"You despicable troll.
540
00:23:36,709 --> 00:23:39,811
"You thought you could
replace my ninja awesomeness,
541
00:23:39,813 --> 00:23:41,546
"you lame clown?
542
00:23:41,548 --> 00:23:45,650
"I will deploy my army of
assassins to destroy you.
543
00:23:45,652 --> 00:23:47,819
"I will bring my
bayonets of truth
544
00:23:47,821 --> 00:23:50,688
"to the hexagon of death,
545
00:23:50,690 --> 00:23:55,726
"where I will carve my initials
into your reptilian skull
546
00:23:55,728 --> 00:23:58,563
and cover you in
tiger's blood."
547
00:24:03,435 --> 00:24:07,004
Hard to believe he wrote
children's songs, isn't it?
548
00:24:07,006 --> 00:24:08,439
Yeah, we're gonna
need some help.
549
00:24:08,441 --> 00:24:10,374
Yeah, we're gonna need
a lot of help.
550
00:24:10,376 --> 00:24:12,410
Here, try these.
551
00:24:12,412 --> 00:24:14,378
They won't keep him
from hurting you,
552
00:24:14,380 --> 00:24:16,914
but they will keep you
from feeling it.
553
00:24:18,584 --> 00:24:20,551
♪ Men. ♪
554
00:24:20,553 --> 00:24:22,453
Uh, thank you for
meeting with us
555
00:24:22,455 --> 00:24:24,322
on such short
notice, Lieutenant.
556
00:24:24,324 --> 00:24:26,090
Anything for you, my friend.
557
00:24:26,092 --> 00:24:27,525
How can I help?
558
00:24:27,527 --> 00:24:29,026
♪ Men. ♪
559
00:24:35,087 --> 00:24:36,354
♪ Men. ♪
560
00:24:36,356 --> 00:24:39,274
So, uh, that's about it,
uh, uh, Lieutenant...
561
00:24:39,450 --> 00:24:41,083
Wagner.
Uh, Wagner.
562
00:24:41,085 --> 00:24:42,885
No, not Wagner; Wagner.
563
00:24:42,887 --> 00:24:46,789
Uh, W-A-G-N-E-R.
Wagner.
564
00:24:46,791 --> 00:24:49,458
"Vhatever."
565
00:24:52,195 --> 00:24:55,131
All right, now, let me see
if I got this straight.
566
00:24:55,133 --> 00:24:58,801
12 years ago,
your wife kicked you out,
567
00:24:58,803 --> 00:25:01,971
and then you and your dumb son
moved in with your brother.
568
00:25:03,473 --> 00:25:05,941
Uh, uh, he wasn't dumb
at the beginning.
569
00:25:05,943 --> 00:25:08,677
Uh, he got dumb later on.
570
00:25:08,679 --> 00:25:09,745
What happened?
571
00:25:09,747 --> 00:25:12,581
Uh, well, turned out
it was funnier.
572
00:25:12,583 --> 00:25:13,983
All right.
573
00:25:13,985 --> 00:25:15,818
So your brother then
let you stay there
574
00:25:15,820 --> 00:25:17,720
eight and a half years
rent-free,
575
00:25:17,722 --> 00:25:19,788
even though you claim
that he never liked you.
576
00:25:19,790 --> 00:25:23,559
Ah. Ah, you're not the only one
to point out the illogic.
577
00:25:24,961 --> 00:25:28,597
And this brother of yours
supposedly died in Paris
578
00:25:28,599 --> 00:25:30,533
under mysterious circumstances.
579
00:25:30,535 --> 00:25:31,901
It wasn't all that mysterious.
580
00:25:31,903 --> 00:25:33,769
I mean, he was taking
a lot of drugs
581
00:25:33,771 --> 00:25:36,105
and pissed off almost everybody.
582
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,642
And then you tried
to drown yourself,
583
00:25:39,644 --> 00:25:43,078
but you changed your mind
because the water was too cold.
584
00:25:45,615 --> 00:25:48,651
And then you got into his house
and offered to buy it.
585
00:25:48,653 --> 00:25:52,388
It seemed like a good
idea at the time.
586
00:25:52,390 --> 00:25:57,293
And then you let him and his son
stay there for four more years.
587
00:25:57,295 --> 00:25:58,561
Right.
588
00:25:58,563 --> 00:25:59,595
Rent-free.
589
00:26:00,697 --> 00:26:02,364
Well, when you say
it like that,
590
00:26:02,366 --> 00:26:05,301
it sounds ridiculous.
591
00:26:05,303 --> 00:26:06,702
And then your dead brother's
592
00:26:06,704 --> 00:26:08,871
previously unknown
lesbian daughter shows up,
593
00:26:08,873 --> 00:26:10,673
and then you let her move in.
594
00:26:10,675 --> 00:26:13,342
You can't
write this stuff, huh?
595
00:26:14,644 --> 00:26:17,313
And then the two of you
got married to each other.
596
00:26:19,249 --> 00:26:21,250
Yes.
597
00:26:21,252 --> 00:26:22,351
But you're not gay.
598
00:26:22,353 --> 00:26:24,253
Well, I'm not.
599
00:26:25,288 --> 00:26:27,723
And then you adopted
a black child.
600
00:26:27,725 --> 00:26:30,159
Ah, ah, he's, uh...
he's more Eurasian.
601
00:26:30,161 --> 00:26:31,694
Uh...
602
00:26:33,196 --> 00:26:35,664
Oh, what a sweetie pie.
603
00:26:37,867 --> 00:26:39,702
And the two of you
are now divorced?
604
00:26:39,704 --> 00:26:40,569
Mmm.
605
00:26:40,571 --> 00:26:41,570
But you're living together.
606
00:26:41,572 --> 00:26:44,540
If I leave,
the whole thing falls apart.
607
00:26:45,575 --> 00:26:47,042
Yeah, of course.
608
00:26:47,044 --> 00:26:50,179
Uh, and now the woman
who stalked your brother
609
00:26:50,181 --> 00:26:51,647
and then married him
610
00:26:51,649 --> 00:26:53,649
all of a sudden shows up
and she says
611
00:26:53,651 --> 00:26:56,452
that he's not dead after all,
that she has been keeping him
612
00:26:56,454 --> 00:26:58,854
in a dungeon pit
in the San Fernando Valley.
613
00:26:58,856 --> 00:27:00,122
Ah, uh, Sherman Oaks.
614
00:27:00,124 --> 00:27:03,259
Uh, but the good part--
uh, south of the boulevard.
615
00:27:04,761 --> 00:27:06,028
And then he escaped,
616
00:27:06,030 --> 00:27:07,963
and he sent you cigars
and whiskey.
617
00:27:07,965 --> 00:27:09,999
Oh, and don't forget
the chasin' knife.
618
00:27:10,001 --> 00:27:11,467
Oh, and the
threatening text.
619
00:27:11,469 --> 00:27:12,968
He said, uh,
"I'm coming home,
620
00:27:12,970 --> 00:27:14,536
and you're gonna pay."
621
00:27:14,538 --> 00:27:16,138
I'm confused.
622
00:27:16,140 --> 00:27:19,108
'Cause you said he doesn't pay
for anything.
623
00:27:21,845 --> 00:27:23,212
I think the point is,
624
00:27:23,214 --> 00:27:25,481
is that we need you
to find him becau...
625
00:27:25,483 --> 00:27:28,217
This guy has some
serious rage issues.
626
00:27:28,219 --> 00:27:30,819
Has he tried anger management?
627
00:27:30,821 --> 00:27:33,055
Yeah, but it didn't work.
628
00:27:35,892 --> 00:27:37,893
Okay.
629
00:27:37,895 --> 00:27:40,896
Well, I have
this inscription now,
630
00:27:40,898 --> 00:27:44,566
and so if we find him,
I'll let you know.
631
00:27:44,568 --> 00:27:45,634
Uh, well...
- Thank you.
632
00:27:45,636 --> 00:27:47,102
Uh, really appreciate it.
633
00:27:47,104 --> 00:27:48,404
No problem.
634
00:27:48,406 --> 00:27:50,272
Now, if I can, uh,
635
00:27:50,274 --> 00:27:52,007
offer you a word of advice...
636
00:27:52,009 --> 00:27:53,375
Mm-hmm?
637
00:27:53,377 --> 00:27:55,010
I would consider
wrapping this whole thing up.
638
00:27:55,012 --> 00:27:56,378
Uh, what do you mean?
639
00:27:56,380 --> 00:27:58,547
I mean the whole
living arrangement.
640
00:27:58,549 --> 00:28:01,116
The kids, the girls,
the beach house.
641
00:28:01,118 --> 00:28:05,154
I mean, this whole thing
has been going on way too long.
642
00:28:06,189 --> 00:28:09,091
Yeah, a lot of people
been saying that.
643
00:28:09,093 --> 00:28:11,393
Haters gonna hate.
644
00:28:13,963 --> 00:28:15,764
♪ Men. ♪
645
00:28:15,766 --> 00:28:18,033
We should get out of town
for a couple of days.
646
00:28:18,035 --> 00:28:19,735
You know, go to
a nice resort,
647
00:28:19,737 --> 00:28:21,704
uh, get some facials,
Mani-pedis.
648
00:28:21,706 --> 00:28:23,272
You know, a
guys' weekend.
649
00:28:23,274 --> 00:28:25,140
No... we're not going anywhere.
650
00:28:25,142 --> 00:28:27,276
We got a state-of-the-art
security system.
651
00:28:27,278 --> 00:28:30,446
Nobody gets in
unless we let them in.
652
00:28:35,518 --> 00:28:38,587
What the hell?
653
00:28:38,589 --> 00:28:40,489
"We got a state-of-the-art
security system.
654
00:28:40,491 --> 00:28:42,524
No one gets in unless
we let them in."
655
00:28:42,526 --> 00:28:44,560
Shut up.
No, you shut up.
656
00:28:44,562 --> 00:28:46,428
Hey.
657
00:28:52,802 --> 00:28:54,436
Jake?
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
658
00:28:54,438 --> 00:28:55,671
Oh, my God.
659
00:28:56,774 --> 00:28:58,440
Hey!
660
00:28:58,442 --> 00:28:59,641
What are you
doing here?
661
00:28:59,643 --> 00:29:01,343
Yeah, I thought
you were in the Army.
662
00:29:01,345 --> 00:29:02,711
Come on. Look at me.
663
00:29:02,713 --> 00:29:05,280
Do I look like someone
who's in the Army?
664
00:29:05,282 --> 00:29:06,548
Not on our side.
665
00:29:08,318 --> 00:29:10,919
Come in.
666
00:29:10,921 --> 00:29:13,956
Hey. These are pretty cool.
Where'd you get them? Target?
667
00:29:15,426 --> 00:29:17,126
You get it? 'Cause of the...
there's the circles...
668
00:29:17,128 --> 00:29:19,194
Yeah, no, no, I got it.
I got it. No.
669
00:29:19,196 --> 00:29:20,496
Here's the thing.
670
00:29:20,498 --> 00:29:22,164
It turns out that
your Uncle Charlie
671
00:29:22,166 --> 00:29:23,565
might still be alive.
672
00:29:23,567 --> 00:29:24,900
Oh.
673
00:29:24,902 --> 00:29:28,203
That would explain why
I got a check for $250,000
674
00:29:28,205 --> 00:29:30,606
and a note that said,
"I'm alive."
675
00:29:31,708 --> 00:29:33,876
You have $250,000?
676
00:29:33,878 --> 00:29:36,178
Not anymore. I stopped in
in Vegas on the way here.
677
00:29:36,180 --> 00:29:38,480
Oh, God. How much
do you have left?
678
00:29:38,482 --> 00:29:40,516
Two and a half million.
679
00:29:42,086 --> 00:29:43,519
Oh!
680
00:29:43,521 --> 00:29:46,522
You won $2.5 million?
681
00:29:46,524 --> 00:29:48,090
Oh, yeah.
It's not that hard.
682
00:29:48,092 --> 00:29:51,326
I kept playing craps
because, you know, "crap."
683
00:29:52,896 --> 00:29:55,063
Oh, and I kept
betting on come, because...
684
00:29:57,902 --> 00:30:02,104
Wow. That's... amazing
that you made so much money
685
00:30:02,106 --> 00:30:04,239
with such stupid jokes.
686
00:30:11,214 --> 00:30:12,214
Taterhead!
687
00:30:13,917 --> 00:30:15,317
Hey, Berta.
688
00:30:15,319 --> 00:30:17,219
Oh, look at you!
689
00:30:17,221 --> 00:30:18,954
You look like a grown man.
690
00:30:18,956 --> 00:30:21,056
Really? Which one?
691
00:30:21,058 --> 00:30:23,225
I've missed you.
692
00:30:23,227 --> 00:30:24,893
Berta, what are you
still doing here?
693
00:30:24,895 --> 00:30:26,228
No idea.
694
00:30:27,964 --> 00:30:29,865
By the way, you're out of pot.
695
00:30:31,634 --> 00:30:33,569
Where'd these things come from?
Target?
696
00:30:33,571 --> 00:30:34,571
Ah.
697
00:30:34,572 --> 00:30:35,704
Too late.
698
00:30:35,706 --> 00:30:37,306
I already did that joke.
Ah...
699
00:30:37,308 --> 00:30:38,574
No, somebody
left them here.
700
00:30:38,576 --> 00:30:39,808
You didn't
hear anything?
701
00:30:39,810 --> 00:30:41,243
I heard colors.
702
00:30:41,245 --> 00:30:43,145
No, I-I am telling you,
703
00:30:43,147 --> 00:30:45,647
Charlie is planning
on killing us all.
704
00:30:45,649 --> 00:30:47,549
Okay. It was good
to see you guys.
705
00:30:47,551 --> 00:30:49,551
Wait, Th-that's it?
You're leaving?
706
00:30:49,553 --> 00:30:51,854
Oh, nothing personal--
I just got to get back to Japan
707
00:30:51,856 --> 00:30:53,922
and tell my wife and kids
that we're rich.
708
00:30:53,924 --> 00:30:55,591
You're...
you're married?
709
00:30:55,593 --> 00:30:56,925
Yeah. Didn't I mention that?
710
00:30:56,927 --> 00:30:57,927
No.
711
00:30:57,928 --> 00:30:59,895
Wh-Wh-Wh-Whoa.
You have kids?
712
00:30:59,897 --> 00:31:01,129
Well, they're hers.
713
00:31:01,131 --> 00:31:02,431
She's a dancer.
714
00:31:02,433 --> 00:31:04,333
Uh, let me guess--
a pole dancer?
715
00:31:04,335 --> 00:31:06,301
No, she's Japanese.
716
00:31:14,010 --> 00:31:16,111
Well, see you.
717
00:31:18,748 --> 00:31:20,816
All right, all right, we-we
got to close these shades.
718
00:31:20,818 --> 00:31:23,085
Anybody on the beach will
have a clear shot at us.
719
00:31:23,087 --> 00:31:24,253
Right.
720
00:31:24,255 --> 00:31:26,054
Do this...
721
00:31:29,192 --> 00:31:32,427
Man, it sucks to be you guys.
722
00:31:33,830 --> 00:31:35,597
♪ Men. ♪
723
00:31:37,034 --> 00:31:38,500
Hello?
724
00:31:38,502 --> 00:31:39,868
Judith, it's me.
725
00:31:39,870 --> 00:31:41,136
Oh, hey, Alan.
726
00:31:41,138 --> 00:31:42,671
Isn't it wonderful about Jake?
727
00:31:42,673 --> 00:31:43,939
Uh, yeah, wonderful.
Listen...
728
00:31:43,941 --> 00:31:45,707
Did he give you $100,000, too?
729
00:31:45,709 --> 00:31:47,309
He gave you $100,000?
730
00:31:47,311 --> 00:31:48,977
No. What do you want?
731
00:31:50,013 --> 00:31:51,847
Uh, uh, okay, long story short--
732
00:31:51,849 --> 00:31:54,950
it turns out my brother is alive
and he's out for revenge.
733
00:31:54,952 --> 00:31:56,585
Revenge? For what?
734
00:31:56,587 --> 00:31:58,921
Well, he didn't think
I could go on without him.
735
00:31:58,923 --> 00:32:00,255
He thought I was more of
736
00:32:00,257 --> 00:32:02,024
a supporting character
in his life,
737
00:32:02,026 --> 00:32:04,526
but it turns out
I-I was sort of a co-lead.
738
00:32:04,528 --> 00:32:07,396
Um, a-anyway,
I just wanted you to know
739
00:32:07,398 --> 00:32:09,698
that if anything
were to happen to me,
740
00:32:09,700 --> 00:32:11,700
you were the love of my life.
741
00:32:11,702 --> 00:32:13,835
Oh, Alan, that is so sweet.
742
00:32:13,837 --> 00:32:16,572
Hang on, honey.
I'm getting another call.
743
00:32:25,915 --> 00:32:27,716
She's not coming back.
744
00:32:27,718 --> 00:32:29,484
♪ Men. ♪
745
00:32:31,088 --> 00:32:32,421
Hello?
746
00:32:32,423 --> 00:32:33,889
Bridget, hi.
747
00:32:33,891 --> 00:32:35,324
It's Walden.
748
00:32:35,326 --> 00:32:37,225
Hey, Walden. What's up?
749
00:32:37,227 --> 00:32:40,028
I can't go into detail,
but I just...
750
00:32:40,030 --> 00:32:43,231
I wanted to say that I wish
I'd been a better husband.
751
00:32:44,568 --> 00:32:46,668
Well, thank you.
752
00:32:46,670 --> 00:32:49,137
And I just want to say that...
753
00:32:49,139 --> 00:32:51,039
I'm having sex with John Stamos.
754
00:32:53,610 --> 00:32:54,610
I'm not lying.
755
00:32:56,480 --> 00:32:58,680
Go for Stamos.
756
00:32:58,682 --> 00:33:00,882
Stamos, you're just
a handsome guy
757
00:33:00,884 --> 00:33:02,918
who got lucky on a sitcom.
758
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:05,387
Listen, um, I'm just gonna
set the phone down
759
00:33:05,389 --> 00:33:07,923
so you can listen to me
shish-kebab your old lady, okay?
760
00:33:07,925 --> 00:33:09,124
Bye-bye.
761
00:33:09,126 --> 00:33:11,126
♪ Men. ♪
762
00:33:12,463 --> 00:33:15,297
Hold on, fellas.
763
00:33:15,299 --> 00:33:17,099
Hello.
764
00:33:17,101 --> 00:33:18,600
Uh, Kandi, it's Alan.
765
00:33:18,602 --> 00:33:20,769
Oh, hi, Alan!
766
00:33:20,771 --> 00:33:22,337
I just wanted you to know that,
767
00:33:22,339 --> 00:33:24,473
even though we were only married
for a short time,
768
00:33:24,475 --> 00:33:26,808
you were the love of my life.
769
00:33:26,810 --> 00:33:28,510
Oh, how sweet.
770
00:33:28,512 --> 00:33:31,947
And you were the first guy
I had tushy sex with.
771
00:33:31,949 --> 00:33:33,949
You guys didn't hear that.
772
00:33:33,951 --> 00:33:35,083
♪ Men. ♪
773
00:33:36,286 --> 00:33:37,519
Hello.
774
00:33:37,521 --> 00:33:38,954
Zoey.
775
00:33:38,956 --> 00:33:41,123
Hi. It's Walden.
776
00:33:41,125 --> 00:33:43,025
Oh, Walden.
777
00:33:43,027 --> 00:33:45,327
How are you, darling?
778
00:33:45,329 --> 00:33:47,162
Uh, not so good.
779
00:33:47,164 --> 00:33:49,031
Uh... that's why I'm calling.
780
00:33:49,033 --> 00:33:51,700
I... I just wanted
to tell you that...
781
00:33:51,702 --> 00:33:54,436
I've been thinking
about you lately, and...
782
00:33:54,438 --> 00:33:56,805
I'm sorry about
the way things ended.
783
00:33:56,807 --> 00:33:59,708
Oh, well...
water under the bridge.
784
00:33:59,710 --> 00:34:01,510
Listen, I'd love to chat,
785
00:34:01,512 --> 00:34:03,278
but I'm in the middle
of a coronation.
786
00:34:06,516 --> 00:34:08,617
Of a what?
787
00:34:08,619 --> 00:34:10,185
A coronation.
788
00:34:10,187 --> 00:34:12,154
I married King Rupert
of Moldavia,
789
00:34:12,156 --> 00:34:15,157
and I'm being
crowned queen, so...
790
00:34:15,159 --> 00:34:18,160
You're the queen of Moldavia?
791
00:34:18,162 --> 00:34:19,728
What can I say?
792
00:34:19,730 --> 00:34:21,329
Thank you, JDate.
793
00:34:21,331 --> 00:34:23,565
Shalom.
794
00:34:26,235 --> 00:34:28,437
Darling,
you still breathing?
795
00:34:28,439 --> 00:34:30,072
♪ Men. ♪
796
00:34:30,074 --> 00:34:31,373
Hello?
797
00:34:31,375 --> 00:34:32,741
Lyndsey, it's Alan.
798
00:34:32,743 --> 00:34:33,942
Hi, Alan.
799
00:34:33,944 --> 00:34:35,243
I was just showing off
800
00:34:35,245 --> 00:34:36,885
the beautiful engagement ring
you gave me.
801
00:34:39,182 --> 00:34:41,717
Great. Listen,
I-I just wanted you to know
802
00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:44,186
that if anything
were to happen to me,
803
00:34:44,188 --> 00:34:46,188
you were the love of my life.
804
00:34:46,190 --> 00:34:47,789
Oh, baby.
805
00:34:47,791 --> 00:34:49,825
You're the love of my life.
806
00:34:49,827 --> 00:34:51,093
So, how much?
807
00:34:53,062 --> 00:34:54,863
♪ Men. ♪
808
00:34:54,865 --> 00:34:56,865
Okay, I will say
it one more time.
809
00:34:56,867 --> 00:34:58,600
Resort hotel
till the cops find him.
810
00:34:58,602 --> 00:35:00,802
We can be in Vegas in two hours.
811
00:35:00,804 --> 00:35:03,205
Styx is playing Mandalay Bay.
812
00:35:03,207 --> 00:35:05,540
No, if I let Charlie
drive me out of this house,
813
00:35:05,542 --> 00:35:07,743
I reward his bad behavior.
814
00:35:07,745 --> 00:35:10,712
Yeah. That's only supposed
to happen in show business.
815
00:35:10,714 --> 00:35:11,847
Which we are not in.
816
00:35:11,849 --> 00:35:15,383
Not anymore.
817
00:35:17,654 --> 00:35:20,088
Oh. Hello?
818
00:35:20,090 --> 00:35:22,224
Valden?
Walden.
819
00:35:22,226 --> 00:35:24,359
That's what I said.
820
00:35:24,361 --> 00:35:26,394
Look, I have good news.
821
00:35:26,396 --> 00:35:27,629
We found your boy.
822
00:35:27,631 --> 00:35:28,764
They found Charlie.
823
00:35:28,766 --> 00:35:30,065
Are-are they sure?
824
00:35:30,067 --> 00:35:31,967
Uh, uh, are...
are you sure it's him?
825
00:35:31,969 --> 00:35:33,969
Well, he matches
the description.
826
00:35:33,971 --> 00:35:36,271
Bowling shirt, cargo shorts,
827
00:35:36,273 --> 00:35:38,373
and he's babbling away
incoherently.
828
00:35:39,408 --> 00:35:40,408
That sounds like him.
829
00:35:40,410 --> 00:35:41,410
Wh-Where'd you find him?
830
00:35:41,411 --> 00:35:42,711
In a trashed hotel room
831
00:35:42,713 --> 00:35:44,379
with a hooker in the closet.
832
00:35:44,381 --> 00:35:46,081
That's absolutely him.
833
00:35:46,083 --> 00:35:47,649
Oh, my...
Thank you so much.
834
00:35:47,651 --> 00:35:49,417
This is a huge relief.
835
00:35:49,419 --> 00:35:50,685
Oh, you're welcome.
836
00:35:50,687 --> 00:35:52,053
Uh, see you in the gym.
837
00:35:52,055 --> 00:35:54,356
Okay. Hasta la vista.
838
00:35:54,358 --> 00:35:57,425
I'm telling you,
I'm not Charlie Harper.
839
00:35:57,427 --> 00:35:58,660
Then who are you?
840
00:35:58,662 --> 00:36:00,862
My name is Christian Slater.
841
00:36:00,864 --> 00:36:02,731
I'm an actor, all right?
842
00:36:02,733 --> 00:36:05,200
I was in a bar, and this guy
hands me a drink.
843
00:36:05,202 --> 00:36:07,469
Next thing I know,
I wake up in a hotel room
844
00:36:07,471 --> 00:36:08,637
dressed like a 12-year-old,
845
00:36:08,639 --> 00:36:10,839
with a screaming woman
in the closet.
846
00:36:10,841 --> 00:36:12,007
Yeah, right.
847
00:36:12,009 --> 00:36:13,742
And I'm the governor
of California.
848
00:36:15,178 --> 00:36:17,479
That bitch stole my watch.
849
00:36:17,481 --> 00:36:19,881
♪ Men. ♪
850
00:36:27,352 --> 00:36:29,820
♪ Men. ♪
851
00:36:29,822 --> 00:36:31,455
What do you think
Charlie will do
852
00:36:31,457 --> 00:36:32,856
when he gets out
of jail?
853
00:36:32,858 --> 00:36:35,759
Well, if the past
is any indication,
854
00:36:35,761 --> 00:36:39,463
he'll sober up and reflect
on his past mistakes,
855
00:36:39,465 --> 00:36:41,098
apologize to everyone,
856
00:36:41,100 --> 00:36:43,000
and then do something
even worse.
857
00:36:44,769 --> 00:36:46,637
See, I'm not so pessimistic.
858
00:36:46,639 --> 00:36:48,905
I'm hoping someday
he and I can be buddies.
859
00:36:55,513 --> 00:36:58,148
Good one.
860
00:36:58,150 --> 00:36:59,483
By the way,
861
00:36:59,485 --> 00:37:01,885
when this cigar is done,
so am I.
862
00:37:01,887 --> 00:37:03,620
Yeah, you calling it a day?
863
00:37:03,622 --> 00:37:05,355
Calling it a career.
864
00:37:05,357 --> 00:37:06,456
You're quitting?
865
00:37:06,458 --> 00:37:08,458
I didn't want to rub
your nose in it,
866
00:37:08,460 --> 00:37:10,394
but Charlie sent me
a big-ass check,
867
00:37:10,396 --> 00:37:11,862
so I'm out of here.
868
00:37:11,864 --> 00:37:13,196
Where you gonna go?
869
00:37:13,198 --> 00:37:14,498
Don't know.
870
00:37:14,500 --> 00:37:16,133
Somewhere the sun is bright,
871
00:37:16,135 --> 00:37:19,202
the pot is strong
and the men are stupid.
872
00:37:20,338 --> 00:37:21,872
That's here.
873
00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:25,942
You're right.
874
00:37:25,944 --> 00:37:27,511
I'm staying.
875
00:37:30,749 --> 00:37:31,915
Wow.
876
00:37:31,917 --> 00:37:33,717
Look at that.
877
00:37:36,954 --> 00:37:39,856
Someone's having a piano
delivered by helicopter.
878
00:37:39,858 --> 00:37:42,025
Mmm. That's the kind
of extravagant thing
879
00:37:42,027 --> 00:37:43,593
Charlie would do.
880
00:37:43,595 --> 00:37:46,129
Oh, uh, he had a baby grand
just like that.
881
00:37:46,131 --> 00:37:47,731
It's coming right this way.
882
00:37:49,434 --> 00:37:51,968
You don't think
that it's possible
883
00:37:51,970 --> 00:37:54,638
that the cops got
the wrong guy, do you?
884
00:37:56,541 --> 00:37:58,575
Nah.
- Nah.
885
00:38:19,999 --> 00:38:21,733
Winning.
886
00:38:31,140 --> 00:38:37,640
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
www.tvsubtitles.net