1 00:00:02,570 --> 00:00:05,114 Okay, open on Kimmy and Titus walking down the street. 2 00:00:05,197 --> 00:00:06,240 Titus, looking amazing: 3 00:00:06,324 --> 00:00:07,992 How's your little love triangle going? 4 00:00:08,075 --> 00:00:09,118 Nope. Next topic. 5 00:00:09,201 --> 00:00:10,244 How dare you? 6 00:00:10,328 --> 00:00:11,537 For the last three months, it's been, 7 00:00:11,621 --> 00:00:12,872 "What's the Internet? Who's that guy? 8 00:00:12,955 --> 00:00:14,081 What's Tilda Swinton?" 9 00:00:14,165 --> 00:00:15,416 And I have told you: 10 00:00:15,500 --> 00:00:17,836 "Tubes, the president, and no one knows." 11 00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:20,129 And now you have something juicy happening... 12 00:00:20,212 --> 00:00:21,631 Look, this is not fun for me. 13 00:00:21,714 --> 00:00:23,716 I mean, Logan got into a fight with Dong, 14 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:24,967 because Dong likes me? 15 00:00:25,050 --> 00:00:26,552 Enjoy the attention, woman. 16 00:00:26,636 --> 00:00:28,471 The last time I had two men fighting over me, 17 00:00:28,554 --> 00:00:30,890 I was a table at a Fire Island arm wrestling match. 18 00:00:30,973 --> 00:00:32,725 Enjoy it? I feel sick to my stomach. 19 00:00:32,809 --> 00:00:34,059 I mean, what do I even say to them? 20 00:00:34,143 --> 00:00:35,854 Is that dolphin with a bow on it? 21 00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:37,313 No, you wouldn't say that. 22 00:00:37,396 --> 00:00:39,148 Wait. What? 23 00:00:39,231 --> 00:00:41,526 Kimmy, I wanted to apologize for last night. 24 00:00:42,527 --> 00:00:44,403 I recalled that you said you like dolphins. 25 00:00:44,487 --> 00:00:45,988 Oh, don't worry. He can breathe. 26 00:00:46,071 --> 00:00:47,323 He's a mammal. 27 00:00:47,406 --> 00:00:48,908 [screeching] 28 00:00:48,991 --> 00:00:51,661 - Where would I even put it? - Make it stop looking at me! 29 00:00:52,036 --> 00:00:53,538 [♪♪♪] 30 00:00:54,217 --> 00:00:56,233 Sync and corrections by brayanatsix www.addic7ed.com 31 00:00:59,585 --> 00:01:00,753 [Bankston] ♪ Unbreakable ♪ 32 00:01:00,837 --> 00:01:02,254 ♪ They alive, damn it ♪ 33 00:01:02,338 --> 00:01:03,882 ♪ It's a miracle ♪ 34 00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:05,174 ♪ Unbreakable ♪ 35 00:01:05,257 --> 00:01:06,342 ♪ They alive, damn it ♪ 36 00:01:06,425 --> 00:01:08,386 ♪ But females are strong as hell ♪ 37 00:01:08,469 --> 00:01:09,512 ♪ Unbreakable ♪ 38 00:01:09,595 --> 00:01:10,805 ♪ They alive, damn it ♪ 39 00:01:10,889 --> 00:01:12,515 ♪ It's a miracle ♪ 40 00:01:12,598 --> 00:01:13,933 ♪ Unbreakable ♪ 41 00:01:14,016 --> 00:01:15,100 ♪ They alive, damn it ♪ 42 00:01:15,184 --> 00:01:16,519 [speaking] That's gonna be, uh... 43 00:01:16,602 --> 00:01:19,480 you know, a fascinating transition. 44 00:01:19,564 --> 00:01:20,606 [singers] ♪ Damn it ♪ 45 00:01:20,857 --> 00:01:23,902 Kimmy, I truly regret my behavior, 46 00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:26,028 but I think I reacted that way 47 00:01:26,111 --> 00:01:27,530 because I really care about you. 48 00:01:27,613 --> 00:01:30,032 Well, what would the Care Bears say about how you show it? 49 00:01:30,115 --> 00:01:31,701 It would depend on the bear, Kimmy. 50 00:01:31,784 --> 00:01:33,870 The point is, I overreacted. 51 00:01:33,953 --> 00:01:36,789 I'm just not used to obstacles. 52 00:01:36,873 --> 00:01:38,416 When I summited Mount Everest, 53 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,251 I did it in my daddy's private blimp. 54 00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:41,753 To be honest, I've never even 55 00:01:41,836 --> 00:01:43,546 seen the inside of a public blimp. 56 00:01:43,629 --> 00:01:45,548 [laughs] What can I say? 57 00:01:45,631 --> 00:01:47,258 I'm a bit of a Daddy's Boy. 58 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:49,761 - Is that a thing? - Of course it is. 59 00:01:49,844 --> 00:01:51,930 You've heard of a Mama's Boy, right? 60 00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:53,514 Although frankly I don't see the appeal. 61 00:01:53,598 --> 00:01:56,726 Look, you're my boyfriend. 62 00:01:56,809 --> 00:01:58,185 Dong is just my friend. 63 00:01:58,269 --> 00:01:59,520 But he wants more than that. 64 00:01:59,604 --> 00:02:02,106 He wants to shoop, baby. 65 00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:04,400 - Shoop. - I know. 66 00:02:04,483 --> 00:02:06,110 So I will tell him that I picked you. 67 00:02:06,193 --> 00:02:07,528 You have to do more than that. 68 00:02:07,612 --> 00:02:09,321 You need to cut him off completely. 69 00:02:09,405 --> 00:02:11,908 You want me to tell Dong that we can't be friends anymore? 70 00:02:11,991 --> 00:02:13,325 It's for his sake. 71 00:02:13,409 --> 00:02:16,078 If you stay friends, he's always gonna want more. 72 00:02:16,161 --> 00:02:17,705 Better to just end it now. 73 00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:20,917 And you know what I find helps soften bad news? 74 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,919 A British accent. 75 00:02:23,002 --> 00:02:26,046 The dolphin died on the sidewalk. 76 00:02:26,130 --> 00:02:27,799 [laughs] 77 00:02:28,925 --> 00:02:30,593 [Cockney accent] 'Ello, Dong, me lad! 78 00:02:30,676 --> 00:02:31,719 Poppycock! 79 00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:34,346 I am rather not your friend anymore. 80 00:02:34,430 --> 00:02:35,473 Tea time! 81 00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:36,808 I don't know if I can do this. 82 00:02:37,809 --> 00:02:42,104 [maniacal laughter] 83 00:02:42,187 --> 00:02:43,815 This place is hilarious. 84 00:02:43,898 --> 00:02:45,357 It's so funny 85 00:02:45,441 --> 00:02:48,068 what people who have never been kidnapped think is scary. 86 00:02:48,152 --> 00:02:49,194 Talking crows? 87 00:02:49,278 --> 00:02:50,905 I would have loved to meet a talking crow. 88 00:02:50,989 --> 00:02:53,198 [crow] Death looms over us all. 89 00:02:53,282 --> 00:02:56,619 [laughing] 90 00:02:56,702 --> 00:02:59,079 Did I tell you? I auditioned to be a replacement mad scientist? 91 00:02:59,163 --> 00:03:00,289 He gets a monologue, 92 00:03:00,372 --> 00:03:02,291 and he doesn't have to clean the ladies' room. 93 00:03:02,374 --> 00:03:03,751 Women are disgusting, BT-dubs. 94 00:03:03,835 --> 00:03:06,004 Titus, I'm so excited for you. 95 00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,129 I'm exciting. 96 00:03:07,212 --> 00:03:10,215 Now, who got the role of Kimmy's boyfriend? 97 00:03:10,299 --> 00:03:11,759 I've officially picked Logan. 98 00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:13,385 Okay. Great. 99 00:03:13,469 --> 00:03:14,553 Wait. 100 00:03:14,637 --> 00:03:17,097 Is it gonna be up to me to teach you about birth control? 101 00:03:17,181 --> 00:03:19,517 Probably. But not yet. 102 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,228 On our third date, Logan and I had a mishap. 103 00:03:23,312 --> 00:03:24,647 Can we take this to the next level? 104 00:03:24,730 --> 00:03:25,773 Of course. 105 00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:30,110 [moaning] Oh, my spine! My... 106 00:03:30,194 --> 00:03:32,822 Apparently all the stuff I thought I knew was way wrong. 107 00:03:32,905 --> 00:03:34,615 He passed out for a second. 108 00:03:34,699 --> 00:03:36,951 So I told him I want to wait a while. 109 00:03:37,035 --> 00:03:38,077 Oh. 110 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:39,954 That's why he went full dolphin for you. 111 00:03:40,038 --> 00:03:42,373 I bet nobody's made that rich boy wait for anything. 112 00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,375 Titus, do you think it's weird 113 00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:46,919 that Logan wants me to stop being friends with Dong? 114 00:03:47,003 --> 00:03:48,379 Honestly, no. 115 00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:49,839 There's nothing worse than thinking 116 00:03:49,922 --> 00:03:50,965 you have a shot at something 117 00:03:51,049 --> 00:03:52,466 when everyone else knows that ship... 118 00:03:52,550 --> 00:03:53,592 [Rick] Ladies and gentlemen, 119 00:03:53,676 --> 00:03:54,719 your attention please. 120 00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:56,095 Hold up. Is that Rick? 121 00:03:56,178 --> 00:03:57,680 There is a creature on the loose 122 00:03:57,763 --> 00:03:59,473 in this establishment! 123 00:03:59,557 --> 00:04:01,517 [laughing] 124 00:04:03,061 --> 00:04:07,023 This monster was once my beloved creation... 125 00:04:07,106 --> 00:04:09,734 [both] Brought to life with the electrokinesis 126 00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,819 of my own heartbeat. 127 00:04:11,903 --> 00:04:16,198 Other men of my profession may tell you I am mad. 128 00:04:16,281 --> 00:04:20,953 Am I mad? Am I mad?! 129 00:04:21,037 --> 00:04:22,080 I am mad. 130 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,873 When I auditioned to be Dr. Van Peebles, 131 00:04:23,956 --> 00:04:26,709 you told me, and I don't quote, I was amazing. 132 00:04:26,792 --> 00:04:28,127 But then you cast Rick? 133 00:04:28,210 --> 00:04:29,336 I don't know what to tell you, Titus. 134 00:04:29,420 --> 00:04:32,131 Dr. Van Peebles has to play as straight. 135 00:04:32,214 --> 00:04:35,509 I mean, the show ends with him marrying The Cyclops Bride. 136 00:04:37,428 --> 00:04:38,470 Good show, Rick. 137 00:04:39,055 --> 00:04:40,098 I don't know, honey. 138 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,849 Have you tried talking the batteries out of the remote 139 00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,225 and putting them back in? 140 00:04:43,308 --> 00:04:46,020 Well, don't cry. 141 00:04:47,312 --> 00:04:50,024 Come on, Michael. 142 00:04:50,108 --> 00:04:51,901 Michael? 143 00:04:51,984 --> 00:04:53,111 Michael? 144 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:55,404 Why, he's as gay as I want to be. 145 00:04:55,487 --> 00:04:58,074 We are here today to discuss the terms of the divorce 146 00:04:58,157 --> 00:05:01,452 of Julian and Jacqueline Voorhees. 147 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,829 Thank you for joining me. I know you're both very busy. 148 00:05:03,913 --> 00:05:05,581 - Wait. What? - They're getting divorced? 149 00:05:05,664 --> 00:05:07,750 I have been authorized to assure you 150 00:05:07,833 --> 00:05:09,376 that it's not your fault, 151 00:05:09,460 --> 00:05:10,836 they don't love you any less, 152 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:12,421 grown-up relationships are complicated, 153 00:05:12,504 --> 00:05:13,923 et cetera, et cetera. 154 00:05:14,006 --> 00:05:15,049 Oh. 155 00:05:18,970 --> 00:05:21,305 Great, now if you would initial here 156 00:05:21,388 --> 00:05:24,349 to indicate that you received a hug. 157 00:05:24,433 --> 00:05:28,353 And here to acknowledge that you were comforted. 158 00:05:28,437 --> 00:05:29,480 Great. 159 00:05:30,940 --> 00:05:32,566 Wait, what's the deal with custody? 160 00:05:32,650 --> 00:05:34,359 What is the deal with custody? 161 00:05:34,443 --> 00:05:35,527 [chuckles] 162 00:05:35,611 --> 00:05:37,155 It's funny, 'cause it's true, Xan. 163 00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:40,658 Oh, you're really asking. Hold on. 164 00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,701 You know what? I know it's back here. 165 00:05:42,785 --> 00:05:43,869 It's one of these. 166 00:05:44,954 --> 00:05:47,665 Honestly, Titus, I was just like you. 167 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,333 I was always getting typecast 168 00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:52,920 as the funny gay guy who works at the police station. 169 00:05:53,004 --> 00:05:54,296 That's not even a thing. 170 00:05:54,379 --> 00:05:56,423 Or the sassy best friend who makes up words. 171 00:05:56,507 --> 00:05:57,549 Like "snowbesity." 172 00:05:57,633 --> 00:05:59,177 It's when you don't know if someone's fat or not 173 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:00,511 'cause they're wearing a winter coat. 174 00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:02,638 But then I turned my career around, 175 00:06:02,721 --> 00:06:06,266 thanks to Le Loup. 176 00:06:06,350 --> 00:06:07,392 For realsies? 177 00:06:07,476 --> 00:06:08,519 For realisingtons. 178 00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:11,772 He's tough, but last month, I booked a radio ad 179 00:06:11,856 --> 00:06:13,649 for a paintball range. 180 00:06:13,732 --> 00:06:16,194 The straightest of all weekend activities. 181 00:06:17,361 --> 00:06:18,487 [high-pitched] Okay. 182 00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:22,867 My parents are getting divorced. 183 00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,785 Two Christmases! Yes! 184 00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:27,371 You bitch. 185 00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:29,540 A female dog? The thing that makes puppies? 186 00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:30,916 Nice compliment, Xan. 187 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,585 Why would you tell Jacqueline to divorce my dad? 188 00:06:33,669 --> 00:06:35,880 Now she's stripping our Hamptons house for copper wire, 189 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,297 and I have to go live in Connecticut 190 00:06:37,381 --> 00:06:40,218 with my mom and Roger and their gross babies. 191 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,343 Okay, first of all, 192 00:06:41,426 --> 00:06:42,469 I never made your stepmom do anything, 193 00:06:42,553 --> 00:06:45,139 except for the time she made me make her eat a peanut M&M. 194 00:06:45,223 --> 00:06:46,431 [phone ringing] 195 00:06:46,515 --> 00:06:48,267 Whoa, that's a big phone. 196 00:06:48,350 --> 00:06:51,020 How has my life been ruined by someone so stupid? 197 00:06:52,771 --> 00:06:54,481 Hi, Mom. 198 00:06:54,565 --> 00:06:55,607 Xanthippe, you look tired. 199 00:06:55,691 --> 00:06:56,734 How are your BMs? 200 00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:57,860 Mom, jeez. 201 00:06:57,943 --> 00:06:59,820 Well, there's my answer. 202 00:06:59,904 --> 00:07:01,780 So are you all packed? 203 00:07:01,864 --> 00:07:04,616 Remember, it's colder here than it is in the city. 204 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:06,035 Do you have enough corduroy slacks 205 00:07:06,118 --> 00:07:08,120 with the little waterfowl stitched in them? 206 00:07:08,204 --> 00:07:09,413 What? No. 207 00:07:09,496 --> 00:07:11,249 The lawyer said I don't move until the end of the semester. 208 00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,042 Yes, but I'm going to be putting up my jams that week, 209 00:07:13,125 --> 00:07:14,668 so I'm coming to get you tomorrow. 210 00:07:14,752 --> 00:07:16,420 What? No. 211 00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:18,005 No, you can't do that. 212 00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:19,631 My God, Xanthippe. 213 00:07:19,715 --> 00:07:21,633 The histrionics are not going to fly in this house, 214 00:07:21,717 --> 00:07:23,719 especially around the quintuplets. 215 00:07:23,802 --> 00:07:25,096 And Roger has taken up 216 00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:27,306 mental golfing where he uses his mind 217 00:07:27,389 --> 00:07:29,850 to play some of the world's most famous courses. 218 00:07:29,934 --> 00:07:31,393 So I really hope we're getting 219 00:07:31,476 --> 00:07:32,811 the nice quiet Xan, 220 00:07:32,895 --> 00:07:35,814 the one we knew before she invented teen angst. 221 00:07:35,898 --> 00:07:37,482 [chuckles] 222 00:07:37,566 --> 00:07:39,026 [Roger] Helene, please! 223 00:07:39,110 --> 00:07:41,445 I'm playing St. Andrews, and it's very windy. 224 00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:42,780 This is BS. 225 00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:45,157 The only BS around here is butternut squash, 226 00:07:45,241 --> 00:07:47,243 one of the dozens of varieties of squash I grow. 227 00:07:47,326 --> 00:07:48,577 I hope you like squash. 228 00:07:48,660 --> 00:07:50,579 Also, tomorrow we're playing squash 229 00:07:50,662 --> 00:07:52,164 against the Squashes. 230 00:07:52,248 --> 00:07:53,291 See you then. 231 00:07:54,292 --> 00:07:55,334 I can't live there. 232 00:07:56,460 --> 00:07:58,378 I just need to talk to my father. 233 00:07:58,462 --> 00:08:00,547 He can't say no to his Daddy's Girl. 234 00:08:00,631 --> 00:08:02,007 Oh, see, that sounds like a thing. 235 00:08:02,091 --> 00:08:04,260 But he's at his Captain Phillips fantasy camp until Monday. 236 00:08:04,343 --> 00:08:06,386 I need to stall. 237 00:08:06,470 --> 00:08:07,888 You! You have to help me. 238 00:08:07,972 --> 00:08:09,473 Uh, no. This is none of my beeswax. 239 00:08:09,556 --> 00:08:10,599 I don't want to interfere. 240 00:08:10,682 --> 00:08:12,726 Kimmy, put yourself in my shoes. 241 00:08:14,145 --> 00:08:15,479 Oh, my God! Not literally. 242 00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:17,815 It's like talking to a chicken. 243 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:21,235 Imagine you're 15, 244 00:08:21,319 --> 00:08:24,446 and one day your whole life gets taken from you: 245 00:08:24,529 --> 00:08:27,908 your school, your friends, 246 00:08:27,992 --> 00:08:29,660 your dad's friend who buys you jewelry 247 00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:31,411 if you send him your old retainers. 248 00:08:35,791 --> 00:08:38,043 Okay, Xan. What are we gonna do? 249 00:08:38,127 --> 00:08:40,838 We're gonna make my mom refuse 250 00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,965 to take me back to Connecticut. 251 00:08:45,009 --> 00:08:47,845 Hello? 252 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:49,721 Mr. Le Loup? 253 00:08:52,724 --> 00:08:53,976 Hello. Hi. 254 00:08:54,059 --> 00:08:56,145 Rick Barnes gave me your name. 255 00:08:56,228 --> 00:08:57,896 He said that you work with actors 256 00:08:57,980 --> 00:08:59,315 to help them "ass-pay." 257 00:08:59,398 --> 00:09:00,941 That was Pig Latin for "pass." 258 00:09:01,025 --> 00:09:03,068 Why would I try Pig Latin for the first time ever 259 00:09:03,152 --> 00:09:04,195 right now anyways? 260 00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:05,321 So stupid. 261 00:09:05,404 --> 00:09:06,530 I can't work with you. 262 00:09:06,613 --> 00:09:08,949 - What? - You have no potential. 263 00:09:09,033 --> 00:09:10,534 Get out. 264 00:09:10,617 --> 00:09:13,120 But I rode a bus to get here. 265 00:09:13,329 --> 00:09:15,206 A bus that went over a drawbridge. 266 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:18,667 Fine. I don't need you! 267 00:09:20,252 --> 00:09:22,129 Bye, Felicia! 268 00:09:22,213 --> 00:09:23,255 [glass shatters] 269 00:09:23,339 --> 00:09:26,133 [applause] 270 00:09:26,217 --> 00:09:27,259 Very good. 271 00:09:27,343 --> 00:09:28,386 You yelled. You denied help. 272 00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:29,594 You broke something. 273 00:09:29,678 --> 00:09:30,721 That's your first lesson 274 00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,472 in behaving like a straight man. 275 00:09:32,556 --> 00:09:34,350 Your second lesson... 276 00:09:34,433 --> 00:09:37,436 Is that he is not Le Loup. 277 00:09:39,021 --> 00:09:40,772 - Hey. - Yeah, what's up? 278 00:09:40,856 --> 00:09:41,899 Bye, Felicia. 279 00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,943 I'm gonna break you down, 280 00:09:45,027 --> 00:09:47,363 but by the time I put you back together, 281 00:09:47,446 --> 00:09:49,823 you're gonna be pulling shorts out of the dirty laundry 282 00:09:49,907 --> 00:09:52,826 and eating wings on the crapper without even trying. 283 00:09:52,910 --> 00:09:53,952 Okay. 284 00:09:54,036 --> 00:09:55,204 Training begins immediately, 285 00:09:55,287 --> 00:09:57,622 because tomorrow you have an audition 286 00:09:57,706 --> 00:09:59,541 for Entourage 2. 287 00:09:59,624 --> 00:10:01,001 Entourage 2? 288 00:10:01,085 --> 00:10:02,794 I can't. Those guys are so straight. 289 00:10:02,878 --> 00:10:04,296 Almost too straight. 290 00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:05,423 Like they're compensating for something? 291 00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:07,925 - Yeah. - Two of them are. 292 00:10:11,303 --> 00:10:12,721 Wait, are those former clients or role models? 293 00:10:12,804 --> 00:10:13,847 It begins now! 294 00:10:14,556 --> 00:10:15,891 I'm sorry, Dong, but... 295 00:10:15,974 --> 00:10:17,435 [Australian accent] Oy! We're not mates. 296 00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:20,104 I'm with Logan now. Get off of the barbie! 297 00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:21,772 That's not British. 298 00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:24,358 [Italian accent] This is-a how you talka the British. 299 00:10:24,442 --> 00:10:26,735 I'ma soften the blow by a-talka the British. 300 00:10:26,818 --> 00:10:28,446 Okay, that's good. 301 00:10:35,577 --> 00:10:36,995 I'm so sorry, Hu Zha Qi. 302 00:10:37,079 --> 00:10:38,122 This is your fault. 303 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:39,915 I hope you die, become ghost, 304 00:10:39,998 --> 00:10:41,375 fly around the room. 305 00:10:41,459 --> 00:10:43,627 That make everybody happy. 306 00:10:46,338 --> 00:10:47,881 Kimmy, what are you doing here? 307 00:10:47,965 --> 00:10:49,591 What happened? Where is everyone? 308 00:10:49,674 --> 00:10:51,510 Immigration raided the restaurant. 309 00:10:51,593 --> 00:10:52,719 They took everyone... 310 00:10:52,803 --> 00:10:55,389 Cooks, waiters, dishwashers. 311 00:10:55,473 --> 00:10:56,681 I was out on a delivery, 312 00:10:56,765 --> 00:10:59,310 or else they would have gotten me too. 313 00:10:59,393 --> 00:11:02,562 Thank God Fordham Law school students smoke so much weed. 314 00:11:02,646 --> 00:11:04,273 Dong, that's so scary. 315 00:11:04,356 --> 00:11:07,276 And the owner says that they came here looking for me. 316 00:11:07,359 --> 00:11:09,528 You can't stay here. Go home! 317 00:11:09,611 --> 00:11:11,322 This is my home! 318 00:11:11,405 --> 00:11:13,449 Hu Zha Qi let me sleep on the grill. 319 00:11:13,532 --> 00:11:15,659 If you time it right, it's very cozy. 320 00:11:16,410 --> 00:11:18,787 Hey. 321 00:11:18,870 --> 00:11:19,913 Almost forgot this. 322 00:11:19,997 --> 00:11:21,039 If we don't give you a receipt, 323 00:11:21,123 --> 00:11:22,166 then the whole raid is free. 324 00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:23,959 And if that Dong Nguyen comes back, 325 00:11:24,042 --> 00:11:25,336 you guys let us know. 326 00:11:25,419 --> 00:11:27,338 [with American accent] You got it, chief. 327 00:11:30,424 --> 00:11:32,676 That's it. You're coming with me. 328 00:11:35,012 --> 00:11:36,972 You can sleep on the couch. 329 00:11:37,055 --> 00:11:38,974 Oh, no. Is that my leg hole? 330 00:11:39,057 --> 00:11:40,100 It's okay. 331 00:11:40,184 --> 00:11:41,310 I'm pretty good friends 332 00:11:41,393 --> 00:11:42,436 with the pregnant raccoon who lives in there. 333 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:45,356 Kimmy, I'm afraid I ruined everything between us. 334 00:11:45,439 --> 00:11:47,816 Look, Dong, it's not anyone's fault. 335 00:11:47,899 --> 00:11:49,901 It's just, I have so much fun with you. 336 00:11:49,985 --> 00:11:52,696 Remember when we took the tram to Roosevelt Island? 337 00:11:52,779 --> 00:11:55,491 And we realized it was just one wire holding us up? 338 00:11:55,574 --> 00:11:57,201 We started screaming and screaming, 339 00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,453 and then all the commuters started screaming too. 340 00:11:59,537 --> 00:12:01,621 Because they were seeing it through our eyes. 341 00:12:01,705 --> 00:12:04,542 [laughter] 342 00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:06,544 And we agree on everything, Kimmy. 343 00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:08,253 Like how it's so weird that people 344 00:12:08,337 --> 00:12:10,297 want to "eat local." 345 00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:11,840 Yeah, I don't want to eat a bird I might know. 346 00:12:11,923 --> 00:12:14,051 And what's with all the bottled water? 347 00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:16,970 Why is everyone so thirsty all the time? 348 00:12:17,054 --> 00:12:19,223 "Duh, I've been awake for one second. 349 00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:20,558 I better have some water." 350 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,100 "Oh, I better carry my water with me 351 00:12:22,184 --> 00:12:24,061 while I walk to the water store." 352 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,021 [laughter] 353 00:12:28,357 --> 00:12:31,776 Listen, Dong, I need you to know... 354 00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:33,612 that Logan is my boyfriend, 355 00:12:33,695 --> 00:12:35,489 so you and I... 356 00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,576 will just be friends. 357 00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,661 [sighs] 358 00:12:41,745 --> 00:12:43,955 Okay. Friends. 359 00:12:44,039 --> 00:12:45,374 [cell phone ringing] 360 00:12:47,709 --> 00:12:49,253 Hello, Sugar Walls. 361 00:12:49,336 --> 00:12:50,379 Nope. 362 00:12:50,462 --> 00:12:51,880 All right. Hi. 363 00:12:51,963 --> 00:12:54,216 Listen, my parents are blimping into town tomorrow, 364 00:12:54,299 --> 00:12:56,676 and I would love it if you would join us for dinner. 365 00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,304 Your parents? Boy. 366 00:12:59,388 --> 00:13:00,472 Okay. Sure. 367 00:13:00,556 --> 00:13:01,599 Wonderful. 368 00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,892 So they're landing sometime between 4:00 and 7:00, 369 00:13:03,975 --> 00:13:06,604 somewhere between 45th Street and Bucks County. 370 00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:07,812 - [horse neighs] - Easy, girl. 371 00:13:07,896 --> 00:13:09,189 Okay. 372 00:13:09,273 --> 00:13:10,315 I can't wait for you to meet Mom, 373 00:13:10,399 --> 00:13:11,609 but especially Daddy. 374 00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:12,734 Oh, Kimmy, 375 00:13:12,817 --> 00:13:14,236 I'm so glad we were able to put 376 00:13:14,319 --> 00:13:16,530 all that unpleasantness behind us. 377 00:13:17,948 --> 00:13:19,783 Uh... me, too. 378 00:13:19,866 --> 00:13:21,201 Till then. 379 00:13:21,826 --> 00:13:22,869 Come on, darling. 380 00:13:22,953 --> 00:13:25,038 That's right. Come on. 381 00:13:27,791 --> 00:13:29,334 [Xan] Oh, my God. Kimmy. 382 00:13:29,418 --> 00:13:30,919 This is your apartment? 383 00:13:31,002 --> 00:13:34,256 You're so poor. It's perfect. 384 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,094 Scenario: two straight men attend a movie. 385 00:13:39,177 --> 00:13:40,220 Go. 386 00:13:42,806 --> 00:13:44,558 No! 387 00:13:44,642 --> 00:13:46,143 You leave a buffer seat. 388 00:13:48,186 --> 00:13:50,772 Scenario: you're thirsty. Go. 389 00:13:52,274 --> 00:13:53,317 No. 390 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,235 Straight men don't drink through straws. 391 00:13:55,319 --> 00:13:57,779 It looks like you're [bleep] a leprechaun's [bleep]. 392 00:13:59,573 --> 00:14:01,032 Scenario: 393 00:14:01,116 --> 00:14:02,159 I'm a coworker, 394 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:05,036 telling you a sad story at a bar after work. 395 00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,581 I go, "My wife, she's so sick. 396 00:14:07,665 --> 00:14:10,375 She got Ebola from a toilet seat." 397 00:14:10,459 --> 00:14:11,585 [clicking tongue] 398 00:14:11,669 --> 00:14:13,128 No! 399 00:14:13,211 --> 00:14:15,005 First of all, you're drinking beer. 400 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,798 And straight men never give any indication 401 00:14:16,881 --> 00:14:17,924 they're listening. 402 00:14:18,008 --> 00:14:19,259 They don't even nod. 403 00:14:19,343 --> 00:14:22,887 Now, you listen, stone-faced, like a man, 404 00:14:22,971 --> 00:14:24,139 no matter what! 405 00:14:24,222 --> 00:14:26,475 Elton John just died. 406 00:14:26,558 --> 00:14:29,311 I like acid-washed jeans. 407 00:14:29,394 --> 00:14:31,229 Madonna is overrated! 408 00:14:31,313 --> 00:14:32,772 [squealing] 409 00:14:41,740 --> 00:14:43,783 Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees, 410 00:14:43,867 --> 00:14:45,202 if this is your idea of a joke, 411 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,578 you belong in a Woody Allen film 412 00:14:46,662 --> 00:14:48,539 because I am not laughing. 413 00:14:48,622 --> 00:14:50,708 I am at the address you sent me. 414 00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:52,668 I'm going to ring the buzzer, 415 00:14:52,751 --> 00:14:54,294 but if I get murdered, 416 00:14:54,378 --> 00:14:55,920 for God's sake, 417 00:14:56,004 --> 00:14:58,340 drag my body below 96th Street, 418 00:14:58,423 --> 00:15:00,258 then call the police. 419 00:15:02,260 --> 00:15:03,303 [door buzzer] 420 00:15:03,387 --> 00:15:04,971 Okay, that's her. 421 00:15:10,227 --> 00:15:12,229 [knock on door] 422 00:15:13,438 --> 00:15:14,732 Far out. 423 00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:18,235 You must be Xan's old lady. 424 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,861 Is this a root cellar? 425 00:15:20,195 --> 00:15:23,156 [arrhythmic drumming] 426 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,449 Hey, Mom. 427 00:15:24,533 --> 00:15:26,535 Quick question: is my room in Connecticut 428 00:15:26,618 --> 00:15:28,286 big enough for my drum set? 429 00:15:29,788 --> 00:15:31,164 What is going on here, young lady? 430 00:15:31,248 --> 00:15:32,374 Get in the car! 431 00:15:32,457 --> 00:15:33,500 But my black boyfriend 432 00:15:33,584 --> 00:15:36,253 is coming by with rum. 433 00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,046 What's up, fellow prostitutes? 434 00:15:38,129 --> 00:15:41,299 Where's all the money from the drugs you smoked? 435 00:15:41,383 --> 00:15:42,593 Be cool, man. 436 00:15:42,676 --> 00:15:44,803 Not in front of my mom. 437 00:15:44,886 --> 00:15:47,138 Kimmy, pay Cobra. 438 00:15:47,222 --> 00:15:49,767 Uh, but I don't have any money. 439 00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,727 Then pay him with your body. 440 00:15:51,810 --> 00:15:52,852 [Helene] Oh, good God. 441 00:15:57,399 --> 00:15:59,443 Hey! Hands off my girlfriend. 442 00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:00,985 And you're dating a gay guy? 443 00:16:01,069 --> 00:16:02,112 Sure. 444 00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,364 I told him he could stay in Grandmère's old room in Connecticut. 445 00:16:04,448 --> 00:16:06,199 No, no. I don't think so. 446 00:16:06,283 --> 00:16:07,576 I'm taking you back to the townhouse 447 00:16:07,659 --> 00:16:09,411 and letting your father deal with you. 448 00:16:10,662 --> 00:16:12,664 Even Le Loup can't help me. 449 00:16:12,748 --> 00:16:16,167 I'll never be E's wingman at the vodka release party. 450 00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:25,761 Kimmy, I don't think I can just be your friend. 451 00:16:25,844 --> 00:16:27,137 What are you saying? 452 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,180 I can't pretend I don't have feelings for you anymore. 453 00:16:29,264 --> 00:16:30,474 I'm sorry. 454 00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:32,142 I can't stay here. 455 00:16:33,602 --> 00:16:34,770 But where are you gonna go? 456 00:16:36,313 --> 00:16:38,064 Probably the Mount Airy Lodge. 457 00:16:38,148 --> 00:16:40,108 The commercial says all I have to bring 458 00:16:40,191 --> 00:16:41,860 is my love of everything. 459 00:16:41,943 --> 00:16:43,487 And that's all I have. 460 00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:52,704 [soft laughter] 461 00:16:52,788 --> 00:16:54,623 Hey! Messy Marvins! 462 00:16:54,706 --> 00:16:56,708 No underage drinking on my watch. 463 00:16:56,792 --> 00:16:58,084 Actually, I have a note from my parents 464 00:16:58,168 --> 00:17:01,463 that says if it's over $75 a bottle, it's educational. 465 00:17:01,546 --> 00:17:04,716 What? No. Go do a puzzle or something. 466 00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:07,260 Oh, my God. Classic whoever-you-are. 467 00:17:07,344 --> 00:17:08,804 I saved your life once. 468 00:17:13,892 --> 00:17:16,227 Hey, Kimmy. 469 00:17:16,311 --> 00:17:18,188 I just want to thank you, seriously. 470 00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:19,397 I get to stay in Manhattan. 471 00:17:19,481 --> 00:17:21,399 If you had friends, you'd understand what this feels like. 472 00:17:21,483 --> 00:17:22,651 You're welcome. 473 00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:26,279 It's soda. 474 00:17:26,363 --> 00:17:28,114 I kind of hate Merlot. 475 00:17:28,198 --> 00:17:29,491 Hey, Xan, this is weird, 476 00:17:29,574 --> 00:17:32,661 but have you ever been in a love triangle before? 477 00:17:32,744 --> 00:17:34,287 That Lucite pyramid in Jacqueline's room? 478 00:17:34,371 --> 00:17:35,413 Or are you saying two guys are into you? 479 00:17:35,497 --> 00:17:36,832 Because either way, gross. 480 00:17:36,915 --> 00:17:40,126 A friend of mine told me that he liked me, 481 00:17:40,210 --> 00:17:42,045 and I think I may have screwed everything up. 482 00:17:42,128 --> 00:17:46,800 Well, you know that I've never, like, had a boyfriend. 483 00:17:46,884 --> 00:17:48,593 I mean, I made out with Cheshire a couple times, 484 00:17:48,677 --> 00:17:50,220 and I think he's gonna break up with Gengi 485 00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,055 because she's his adopted sister. 486 00:17:52,138 --> 00:17:53,807 [giggling] 487 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,936 Oh, my God. He doesn't like me. 488 00:17:58,019 --> 00:17:59,229 He's just using me so his parents don't find out 489 00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:01,231 he's hooking up with his sister. 490 00:18:01,314 --> 00:18:03,274 [groans] 491 00:18:05,443 --> 00:18:08,238 [soft laughter] 492 00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:10,615 [Simone] Xan, go open another bottle. 493 00:18:13,201 --> 00:18:16,246 Terry, I'll have a beer drink. 494 00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,622 I'm not working today. 495 00:18:17,706 --> 00:18:19,541 I have an audition for Entourage 2. 496 00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,211 [exhales sharply] 497 00:18:28,926 --> 00:18:30,635 Mm. 498 00:18:30,719 --> 00:18:33,179 Oh, I'll never pass. 499 00:18:33,263 --> 00:18:34,305 [sighs] 500 00:18:35,891 --> 00:18:38,977 "Yo, if her face is half as good as her ass, 501 00:18:39,060 --> 00:18:43,189 I'm gonna greenlight her back nine with my front four." 502 00:18:43,273 --> 00:18:44,691 Oh, yi-yi-yi. 503 00:18:44,775 --> 00:18:46,025 Commit, Titus. 504 00:18:46,109 --> 00:18:47,151 Commit! 505 00:18:50,113 --> 00:18:52,991 "Yo, if her face is good as her ass, 506 00:18:53,074 --> 00:18:55,243 I'm gonna greenlight her back nine with my front four." 507 00:18:55,326 --> 00:18:57,161 Hey, what'd you say? 508 00:18:57,245 --> 00:18:59,581 Me? Nothing. 509 00:18:59,664 --> 00:19:00,832 Wait. 510 00:19:00,916 --> 00:19:02,083 Did you think I was hitting on her? 511 00:19:02,166 --> 00:19:04,628 Yeah, horn dog, I do. 512 00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:06,546 Well, tell your lady 513 00:19:06,630 --> 00:19:09,382 I want to greenlight her chest with... 514 00:19:09,466 --> 00:19:11,134 And bang stuff. 515 00:19:11,217 --> 00:19:12,385 Ew! 516 00:19:14,262 --> 00:19:15,555 I'm passing for straight. 517 00:19:15,639 --> 00:19:17,557 I'm passing for straight! 518 00:19:17,641 --> 00:19:20,560 I'm passing for straight! 519 00:19:20,644 --> 00:19:21,728 Of course you are. 520 00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:24,188 You've always been able to pass for straight, Titus. 521 00:19:24,272 --> 00:19:26,357 The only person you needed to audition for 522 00:19:26,441 --> 00:19:27,859 was yourself. 523 00:19:27,943 --> 00:19:29,027 You mean? 524 00:19:29,110 --> 00:19:30,695 There is no Entourage 2 audition. 525 00:19:30,779 --> 00:19:33,197 [chuckles] There is no Entourage 2. 526 00:19:33,281 --> 00:19:35,074 Oh, thank God. 527 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,536 There is no Entourage 2! 528 00:19:38,620 --> 00:19:40,664 There is no Entourage 2! 529 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:43,750 [cheers and applause] 530 00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:47,128 [laughs] 531 00:19:48,296 --> 00:19:49,464 I can't find my phone. 532 00:19:49,547 --> 00:19:50,757 Dude, come over here. 533 00:19:50,841 --> 00:19:51,925 I'm cyber-bullying Mr. Finkel. 534 00:19:52,009 --> 00:19:53,259 I'm pretending to be his ex-wife, 535 00:19:53,343 --> 00:19:54,761 and he's buying it. 536 00:19:54,845 --> 00:19:58,431 "If you still love me, come over right now 537 00:19:58,515 --> 00:20:00,851 and kill my boyfriend." 538 00:20:00,934 --> 00:20:02,060 [laughter] 539 00:20:02,143 --> 00:20:03,937 Xanthippe, what is going on? 540 00:20:04,021 --> 00:20:05,188 What are you doing here? 541 00:20:05,522 --> 00:20:06,690 I did! 542 00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:09,150 I couldn't really hear in there. 543 00:20:09,233 --> 00:20:10,527 Did your mom not just say, 544 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:12,362 "If you didn't send these texts from your phone, who did?" 545 00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,572 What the hell are you doing? 546 00:20:14,656 --> 00:20:16,908 Mrs. Xan's Real Mom, I'm not a crack whore. 547 00:20:16,992 --> 00:20:18,035 I'm Kimmy. 548 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:19,744 You texted me? 549 00:20:19,828 --> 00:20:22,121 That explains why you spelled "Xanthippe" wrong. 550 00:20:22,205 --> 00:20:24,749 - Z-E-H... - No. Wrong. Stop. 551 00:20:24,833 --> 00:20:25,876 The point is, 552 00:20:25,959 --> 00:20:27,002 we tricked you earlier. 553 00:20:27,085 --> 00:20:28,127 That wasn't a crack den. 554 00:20:28,211 --> 00:20:29,253 That was... 555 00:20:29,337 --> 00:20:30,505 the home of some loser I know. 556 00:20:30,588 --> 00:20:31,715 She's crazy, mom 557 00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:32,841 From the drugs. 558 00:20:32,924 --> 00:20:34,509 I only did it because I thought I was helping 559 00:20:34,592 --> 00:20:35,635 your daughter, 560 00:20:35,719 --> 00:20:38,137 keeping her from having her life tooken away. 561 00:20:38,221 --> 00:20:40,390 I'm sorry, did you just say "tooken" instead of "taken"? 562 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:41,766 Of course not. 563 00:20:41,850 --> 00:20:43,018 But then I realized, 564 00:20:43,101 --> 00:20:44,561 her friends are just the worst. 565 00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:46,604 Simone is a pathological liar. 566 00:20:46,688 --> 00:20:48,147 Jay Z is at my house, but he's really busy. 567 00:20:48,231 --> 00:20:49,273 You can't meet him. 568 00:20:49,357 --> 00:20:50,692 But Xan is a good kid. 569 00:20:50,775 --> 00:20:51,818 I know. 570 00:20:51,902 --> 00:20:52,944 [laughter] 571 00:20:53,028 --> 00:20:54,654 My brother's, like, borderline everything, 572 00:20:54,738 --> 00:20:57,281 and I stole these from his bathroom. 573 00:20:57,365 --> 00:20:59,659 Should we just see what happens? 574 00:21:07,918 --> 00:21:09,377 [laughter] 575 00:21:09,460 --> 00:21:10,503 That's a lie! 576 00:21:10,587 --> 00:21:11,796 I'm super high. 577 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:13,631 I'm, like, seeing colors. 578 00:21:14,632 --> 00:21:18,095 [Simone] Oh, my God. 579 00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:19,470 [Kimmy] After I saw that, 580 00:21:19,554 --> 00:21:20,972 I did some snooping. 581 00:21:21,056 --> 00:21:24,517 I found Xan's report card in her room. 582 00:21:24,601 --> 00:21:27,520 Straight As? AP Latin? 583 00:21:28,438 --> 00:21:31,149 Also, she plays the oboe in band. 584 00:21:31,232 --> 00:21:32,275 Not in a band. 585 00:21:32,358 --> 00:21:33,985 In band. 586 00:21:34,069 --> 00:21:35,946 [soft laughter] 587 00:21:36,029 --> 00:21:37,321 And when I saw this next one, 588 00:21:37,405 --> 00:21:38,656 even I couldn't help but think, 589 00:21:38,740 --> 00:21:41,118 "Man, this nerd is lame." 590 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,370 It's her waterproof birding journal. 591 00:21:45,956 --> 00:21:48,416 You saw a Thick-Billed Murre? Where? 592 00:21:48,499 --> 00:21:51,210 Mom, I don't want to talk about it right... 593 00:21:51,294 --> 00:21:54,047 It was at Turtle Pond. It was glorious. 594 00:21:54,131 --> 00:21:56,507 Mrs. Mr. Voorhees' First Wife, 595 00:21:56,591 --> 00:21:58,718 not only do I think it will be good for Xan 596 00:21:58,802 --> 00:22:00,386 to be in Connecticut, 597 00:22:00,470 --> 00:22:02,555 I think it will be good for Connecticut to have Xan. 598 00:22:05,349 --> 00:22:07,727 I am gonna get you back for this. 599 00:22:07,811 --> 00:22:09,687 I don't care how long it takes. 600 00:22:09,771 --> 00:22:11,648 I will learn everything Connecticut can teach me 601 00:22:11,731 --> 00:22:14,525 about revenge, and I will make you pay! 602 00:22:20,198 --> 00:22:21,950 [knock on door] 603 00:22:25,536 --> 00:22:27,205 Oh, don't you look lovely. 604 00:22:27,288 --> 00:22:28,957 Aww. 605 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:30,625 You also don't look lovely. 606 00:22:30,708 --> 00:22:31,751 That's... 607 00:22:32,961 --> 00:22:34,921 So here we go. 608 00:22:35,005 --> 00:22:36,798 Meeting the parents. 609 00:22:36,881 --> 00:22:38,382 With no obstacles. 610 00:22:38,466 --> 00:22:39,968 Here. 611 00:22:41,302 --> 00:22:42,428 It's like at school, 612 00:22:42,512 --> 00:22:43,763 when I used to run the hurdles, 613 00:22:43,847 --> 00:22:45,431 but they would remove all my hurdles. 614 00:22:45,515 --> 00:22:47,642 That way I almost always won. 615 00:22:47,725 --> 00:22:50,728 Yeah. Dong's out of the picture. 616 00:22:50,812 --> 00:22:52,730 He's not even in New York anymore. 617 00:22:52,814 --> 00:22:54,732 He's not even in the United States. 618 00:22:56,026 --> 00:22:57,652 What are you talking about? 619 00:22:57,735 --> 00:22:59,320 Do you know about the immigration thing? 620 00:22:59,403 --> 00:23:00,697 Oh. 621 00:23:00,780 --> 00:23:02,365 All right, look, I'm not ashamed to admit it. 622 00:23:02,448 --> 00:23:03,783 I called them. 623 00:23:03,867 --> 00:23:04,909 What? 624 00:23:04,993 --> 00:23:06,203 Kimmy, that man attacked me. 625 00:23:06,285 --> 00:23:08,287 And he was in the country illegally. 626 00:23:08,371 --> 00:23:09,413 Daddy said I should tell. 627 00:23:09,497 --> 00:23:11,541 That's horrible! 628 00:23:11,624 --> 00:23:12,750 I want you to leave. 629 00:23:12,834 --> 00:23:14,335 Are you kidding? 630 00:23:14,418 --> 00:23:15,461 Kimmy, I'll allow that perhaps 631 00:23:15,545 --> 00:23:16,587 it was a tad extreme, 632 00:23:16,671 --> 00:23:17,714 but I did it for us. 633 00:23:17,797 --> 00:23:18,923 There is no us. 634 00:23:19,007 --> 00:23:21,592 And there's no such thing as a Daddy's Boy. 635 00:23:21,676 --> 00:23:23,220 Oh, really? 636 00:23:23,302 --> 00:23:25,555 Then what about the 1938 musical Daddy's Boy? 637 00:23:25,638 --> 00:23:27,682 About a sailor who gets off his ship after months at sea 638 00:23:27,765 --> 00:23:29,517 and goes straight to visit his daddy. 639 00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:30,643 Get out. 640 00:23:33,188 --> 00:23:34,397 Unbelievable. 641 00:23:40,028 --> 00:23:41,071 Yikes. 642 00:23:41,154 --> 00:23:42,780 I guess you can forget! 643 00:23:42,864 --> 00:23:44,323 Dong! 644 00:23:44,407 --> 00:23:46,201 Dong, wait! 645 00:23:46,284 --> 00:23:48,119 Kimmy, what are you doing here? 646 00:23:48,203 --> 00:23:49,412 You can't go, 647 00:23:49,495 --> 00:23:50,705 'cause you're not some Daddy's Boy 648 00:23:50,788 --> 00:23:52,916 who tries to dolphin me and then blimps. 649 00:23:52,999 --> 00:23:55,252 I understand all those words separately. 650 00:23:55,293 --> 00:23:56,377 You're kind, 651 00:23:56,460 --> 00:23:57,503 and you're funny, 652 00:23:57,587 --> 00:23:59,672 and both our names mean "penis." 653 00:23:59,756 --> 00:24:01,049 And I don't want to be your friend either, 654 00:24:01,132 --> 00:24:02,592 'cause I like you. 655 00:24:02,675 --> 00:24:05,136 I mean... I like you, like you. 656 00:24:05,220 --> 00:24:07,305 But I'm getting on a bus bus. 657 00:24:07,388 --> 00:24:09,432 Stay! 658 00:24:09,515 --> 00:24:11,226 Logan is out of the triangle. 659 00:24:11,309 --> 00:24:13,394 It's now just a regular biangle. 660 00:24:13,477 --> 00:24:15,146 You mean a line? 661 00:24:15,230 --> 00:24:16,898 We need to work on your geometry, Kimmy. 662 00:24:16,981 --> 00:24:19,817 That's right. We do. 663 00:24:27,075 --> 00:24:28,243 So you'll stay? 664 00:24:28,326 --> 00:24:31,579 I want to, but immigration is looking for me. 665 00:24:31,662 --> 00:24:32,705 So? 666 00:24:32,789 --> 00:24:34,832 It took the police 15 years to find me. 667 00:24:34,916 --> 00:24:38,044 Nothing. Hi. Gilligan! 668 00:24:38,128 --> 00:24:40,421 Kimmy, if we want to date, 669 00:24:40,504 --> 00:24:44,717 just to be safe, we should probably get married first. 670 00:24:44,801 --> 00:24:46,052 A Dong says what? 671 00:24:46,136 --> 00:24:47,511 I know, it's pretty crazy, 672 00:24:47,595 --> 00:24:49,222 but just think about it, okay? 673 00:24:49,306 --> 00:24:53,476 No pressure. But I'm in jeopardy every day. 674 00:24:56,104 --> 00:24:57,605 [lively orchestral music] 675 00:24:57,688 --> 00:24:59,274 ♪ Daddy's Boy ♪ 676 00:24:59,357 --> 00:25:02,360 ♪ I'm just a silly little Daddy's Boy ♪ 677 00:25:03,736 --> 00:25:05,196 ♪ Daddy's Boy ♪ 678 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:09,909 ♪ He's got a daddy that he brings such joy ♪ 679 00:25:09,993 --> 00:25:11,786 ♪ My daddy's tall and sweet ♪ 680 00:25:11,869 --> 00:25:12,912 ♪ Like a candy cane ♪ 681 00:25:12,996 --> 00:25:14,372 ♪ And when we walk down the street ♪ 682 00:25:14,455 --> 00:25:17,708 ♪ We refuse to explain ♪ 683 00:25:17,792 --> 00:25:19,752 ♪ How a Daddy's Boy ♪ 684 00:25:19,836 --> 00:25:21,338 ♪ And a Daddy's Boy's Daddy ♪ 685 00:25:21,420 --> 00:25:25,591 ♪ And a Daddy's Boy's Daddy's Daddy ♪ 686 00:25:25,675 --> 00:25:30,013 [all] ♪ Could love each other so ♪ 687 00:25:30,096 --> 00:25:32,598 And that's how the 1938 musical train wreck 688 00:25:32,682 --> 00:25:35,101 Daddy's Boy ends, mid-song, 689 00:25:35,185 --> 00:25:39,063 as the crew refused to continue working on the production. 690 00:25:39,147 --> 00:25:42,650 Coming up next, an encore presentation of Daddy's Boy. 691 00:25:42,733 --> 00:25:45,028 No! We had a deal! 692 00:25:46,196 --> 00:25:49,490 [lively orchestral music] 693 00:26:09,844 --> 00:26:11,262 [policeman] Well, well, well, 694 00:26:11,346 --> 00:26:12,389 what do we have here? 695 00:26:12,471 --> 00:26:15,225 Two little lovebirds canoodling behind a dustbin, and... 696 00:26:15,308 --> 00:26:17,394 Oh, oh, I beg your pardon, sirs. 697 00:26:17,476 --> 00:26:18,519 [Daddy] My Eldridge and I 698 00:26:18,602 --> 00:26:19,687 were just doing some calisthenics. 699 00:26:19,770 --> 00:26:20,813 [Eldridge] I need to be 700 00:26:20,897 --> 00:26:21,939 my trimmest, officer. 701 00:26:22,023 --> 00:26:23,691 See, I report for duty in Cape May, 702 00:26:23,774 --> 00:26:26,319 in, well, less than 24 hours. 703 00:26:26,403 --> 00:26:27,737 [Daddy] Can you begrudge a father 704 00:26:27,820 --> 00:26:31,282 one last romp with his boy before the Navy ruins him? 705 00:26:31,366 --> 00:26:32,616 [policeman] My apologies to you 706 00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:34,202 and your adult son, sir. 707 00:26:34,285 --> 00:26:37,080 I mistook you for a pair of common street screwers. 708 00:26:37,163 --> 00:26:38,873 [Daddy] Not to worry, my good man. 709 00:26:38,956 --> 00:26:41,959 It's like my grandpapa always told me... 710 00:26:42,043 --> 00:26:44,879 ♪ Listen to the twiddle of the little dickie-bird ♪ 711 00:26:44,962 --> 00:26:46,923 ♪ Sometimes what you think you hear ♪ 712 00:26:47,006 --> 00:26:49,175 ♪ Is not quite what you heard ♪ 713 00:26:49,259 --> 00:26:51,428 [Eldridge] ♪ "Twiddle-dee, twit-twoo" ♪ 714 00:26:51,510 --> 00:26:53,096 ♪ Means "I love you" ♪ 715 00:26:53,179 --> 00:26:54,597 ♪ "Tweet-twoo, twidle-dee" ♪ 716 00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:56,266 ♪ Means "get off of me" ♪ 717 00:26:56,349 --> 00:26:58,059 [Daddy] ♪ "Tweetie, tweetie, tweetie" ♪ 718 00:26:58,142 --> 00:26:59,936 ♪ Means "you're my little sweetie" ♪ 719 00:27:00,019 --> 00:27:01,271 ♪ "Twattie twittie twittle" ♪ 720 00:27:01,354 --> 00:27:03,189 ♪ Means "to your right a little" ♪ 721 00:27:03,273 --> 00:27:05,816 [both] ♪ Oh, dickie-bird, dickie-bird ♪ 722 00:27:05,900 --> 00:27:08,861 ♪ Dickie-bird do ♪ 723 00:27:08,945 --> 00:27:14,200 ♪ Trying to tell you that I love you like the dickie-bird do ♪ 724 00:27:14,284 --> 00:27:16,077 [boy] Extry, extry! Read all about it! 725 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,122 Germany mounts offensive against Poles. 726 00:27:19,205 --> 00:27:21,082 [Eldridge] I must go! 727 00:27:21,165 --> 00:27:22,583 Good night, everybody!