Press it.
It's not your wedding night. Don't be afraid. Press it.
Press it, Sunil Narayan.
Go.
No, I can't do it.
Just because you're Sunil Narayan doesn't mean you can't do it.
Look at Zakhir Khan...
With three standup specials
and two seasons of a web series
he's been trying to teach us to be a man.
But no...we want to get screwed.
Did you steal her purse?
No.
Did you say 'I disagree' on any of her comments?
Never.
Then why did she suddenly break up with you?
She said I'm dirty.
Wait. I am sure she meant dirty ass.
You're a dirty ass.
No, she meant I'm filthy.
I don't bathe daily.
I swear the same t-shirt for 10-days.
And I...smell like a guy.
And?
That's all.
And that engineering hostel guys are pigs.
Wow!
So now these girls have a problem that we're sure.
Next, they would want us to be unsure about our future.
Was that her reason to break up with you?
You mean filth.
What kind of a reason is this for a breakup?
Did we ever say that feminism reeks of women?
Did we?
And without bathing, washing our clothes, and drinking alcohol without water
we save much more water than these girls use to bathe for cleanliness.
We can't ruin the balance of society for the sake of love!
Have you seen TV commercials?
Who sells Lux soaps?
Deepika. Katrina.
What do guys do?
Sex.
In the commercial?
Ranveer. Salman. They sell underwear.
Because even they know cleanliness is not important.
It's more important to keep yourself covered.
I beg to differ, guys.
Of course, because no amount of cloth can cover you.
Listen, Bablasaur. This is a men's discussion.
Go to your room and concentrate on your origami.
Shut up.
Sunil Narayan, what she did is not wrong.
Even I have doubts looking at your hygiene
that she's nose-blind.
What?
Deaf, dumb, blind...everyone has a name.
But what about those who have a bad nose.
So I started calling them nose-blind.
But I guess she saw your...
True colours.
Hygiene isn't a choice for girls, it's a mandate.
For them, clean genes are more important than pair of jeans.
You think Akanksha is one of them?
Of course.
In fact, she's a Virgo.
Even he's a Virgo.
He hasn't had sex yet.
Are Virgo's like that?
I don't know. I just made a statement.
Plus her birthday is coming up.
Bina Tripathi, you asked for my ATM card and I complied.
You asked for the pin and I complied.
You asked for a dildo and I complied.
You called me dirty.
I'll bathe outside your room in cold water.
Respect.
Go bathe.
Asshole.
Laundry.
Wait, brother. Wait.
Wait.
Amazing.
I never imagined I'll get a business opportunity in this hostel
and especially in this wing.
It's the miracle of nature.
Here you go?
- Did you count them? - Yes.
How many are they?
10 or 11.
Confirm it once more otherwise you'll blame me later.
11 to my knowledge.
Don't you want to know when you'll get it back?
When do I need it? I mean when will you bring them back?
- As soon as possible. - Okay?
- Do you iron them too? - Of course.
Okay.
I am Santosh, Laundryman.
Not a Parsi.
That's how everyone addresses me.
I am a pass out from this college in Textile.
Everyone else opted for software
and I took up a core job.
I know the dilemma of these monsters.
Filthiness is a religion in the hostel where you don't need to be converted
It automatically applied to everyone.
Look at me for instance.
I take their clothes and soak them in water.
And just dry them without using any soap and return them.
And the best part is
until yesterday whenever I used to ask for clothes
Hey laundryboy, whose side are you on?
They used to tease me like this.
And now look...they gave me clothes to wash.
Akshay Kumar is right.
Women, Babu Bhaiya. Women.
What to do?
It's bad, but it's business.
- Hello. - Yeah.
Don't come over.
Sorry.
I mean you were coming over for the CL201 assignment.
So don't come over, I'll come over to the girl's hostel.
Oh no, that's not possible.
Okay, then. Let's meet at the canteen.
Fine.
Just comb it. Don't you have a comb?
It's in my room...
No.
Sorry, I...am a little irritated with my roommate.
No, it's okay.
I deserve it.
Let me guess, She must have made your room a mess.
Exactly.
Just because she's pretty she thinks she's entitled to anything.
Less of a roommate more of Priyanka Chopra from 'Aitraaz'!
As soon as I moved in I clearly told her about myself.
I am very particular about these things.
But no.
She went sobbing to the warden to snitch on me.
Meaning...you won't tolerate such a person.
Never.
I would rather live with pigs.
And what if such a person is your friend
or boyfriend.
I would break his face.
And friends are a leech.
And the biggest leech of them all lives with you.
See...
He's so different.
I'll be back from the bathroom.
With books...
Who goes to the bathroom with books?
My friend, my buddy, my Chirag.
Let me massage your feet.
Fine, I'll massage your arms instead.
Mr. Ankit Pandey, you need tips from me on cleanliness.
That's why you've been licking my...
I always find a paradox.
What happened?
Listen,
she turned out to be like Anushka.
She just won't let me throw garbage on the road.
I want you to make me like you...
No, like yourself.
Don't worry. I'll do it.
Curses.
Girls are very sharp.
They notice every little thing.
So make sure the entire room is spic and span.
So...
how many out of 10?
Sorry.
She's already impressed.
As I told you.
Now take some tissues.
Offer her one and use one yourself.
Akku...
No, thanks.
Phew...
I can't imagine myself without these tissues.
Most useful invention ever.
Stupid.
Don't tell her what you know.
Make her realise that you know more than her.
No!
No...
The most important invention is chemicals.
Bacteriacides, Vericides, fungicides.
What?
Disinfectants. Phenyl, etcetera.
Look.
You can't see it now.
But if you zoom in...you'll find only 0.1% bacteria.
- In fact... - Ankit.
I am busy after this.
I don't have time for this.
So let's focus on this and finish it.
Yeah, correct. Of course.
Last time I had an error in the runtime.
Akanksha is sharp.
If you haven't cleaned properly she will catch you.
I just remembered something else.
Let's do this later.
But, Akku...
Wait a second.
Akku...
Homerun on the first ball, huh.
I noticed how embarrassed she was feeling.
Girls feel so embarrassed only when they are asked whether she likes the guy.
So Mr. Ankit Pandey, as a thank you
you'll name your first kid Chirag.
- And if it's a boy... - No...
Yeah, I know. Chirag is such a common name.
No, I mean she wasn't embarrassed. She just ran away.
- What? - Yes.
Why? I mean how?
I mean I even did a pedicure for both your feet.
And also taught to make these flowers.
Exactly. I did exactly as you said.
I mean I was completely hygienic.
I even threw the chewing gum in the dustbin.
Chewing gum? Really?
Shall I call her?
What...
Ankit?
Ankit Pandey?
What happened?
It's in there.
Now tell me what's wrong with this picture?
What is wrong?
I am the one asking the questions Bhaati.
It's a dustbin, People throw garbage in it.
Some assholes also throw torn condoms in it.
The guy in 304 uses it as a bucket.
What else?
I mean where else will we throw the chewing gum if not the dustbin.
There is a problem.
Good Jhatoo, tell them.
Upon looking closely I can tell that the chewing gum is still pink.
Meaning there's still juice in it.
It can last for two more hours. I'll go get it.
You stupid boys. All of you come here.
Chewing is never thrown directly in the dustbin.
It's always wrapped in paper or tissue before you throw it.
So it doesn't stick to anything.
And you, Ankit.
You committed this crime in front of Akanksha.
She must be frightened.
She can never forget these visuals.
I won't be surprised if she refuses to deflower you.
Disappointed.
Even after giving so many instructions...
What places had you been?
It took a lot of hard work.
I found a paper in your pocket.
It says "How to differentiate between herpes and"...
Okay, fine.
That will be 7800 rupees.
50 rupees for the clothes.
And rest for fixing the broken motor of my washing machine.
Fine. I'll bring my QR code tomorrow.
Here...
Hold it properly. Or you'll dirty them again.
Girls only look at guys if they are worth looking at
or even worth smelling.
And what do you call those you can't smell?
Forget it.
Cleanliness, hygiene, organised behaviour,
is necessary but not sufficient behaviour for this type.
Even if I put in my best effort to wash their clothes
but they always find one stain with their compound microscope.
Take my wife for instance.
She doesn't let me undress on my own. Why?
So that I don't crease my shirt.
Women will be women.
How will she be impressed by all this?
You're stacking up clothes when you should be undressing them, you pimp.
Chirag, smell these clothes.
I told Sanosh to use the lavender fabric softener.
Really?
Yeah.
Paradise!
- Isn't it? - Look... See...
They are ignoring me.
Forget it, Jhantoo.
When she screws him he'll come running back to this filth.
"Jaat, I need money. Jaat sing me a lullaby."
"Jaat explains gender equity to me."
You're like the hostel dog.
Doesn't matter how clean an environment you give him
he's going to run back to the filthiness he belongs to.
Right?
Haven't you watched Hachiko?
Jaat. Jhantoo.
Listen to me, guys.
You should try it too.
It's a nice feeling.
Look...
Asshole...I'll beat you to a pulp.
Come on, hit me.
I'll shove that DOPA inside you.
These assholes have ruined the atmosphere of the entire hostel.
Yesterday he made me wash my hands after peeing.
Even after I peed.
I said nothing.
Then he made me wash my feet before climbing on the bad.
Again I said nothing.
Tomorrow when I am jerking here
will you ask me to clean the fan?
You two listen to me.
If you two ever want to get in this room
then you'll have to maintain cleanliness like me
Chirag, and your sister-in-law.
You'll have to be a hygiene race.
Otherwise...
- Hello. - Hey, Ankit.
Hi, Akku.
Are you busy?
No, I was heading to the medical shop
to get a jumbo pack of Dettol(disinfection).
Can I get pads for you?
No need.
Okay, okay.
- So menstrual cup. - What?
Excuse me!
No, no, it's okay. You can talk to me.
Ankit, listen.
Let's forget about these assignments.
We'll be copying all the end programs from the internet anyway.
Hello...
Wait a second, Akku. I can't hear you.
Maybe it's a network issue.
Yeah, Akku what were you saying?
Honestly
we're different.
But I am working hard.
I even ordered a new nail cutter.
The old one's been used to its limit.
Ankit...
It's okay.
We're just different people.
This partner thing won't work out.
Ankit, are you fine?
What happened?
Ankit, it's okay, man.
At least you gave it your best.
You know what? If I was her, I would've been in your arms now.
The boy's right.
Don't feel bad, Mr. Pandey.
I never found Akanksha hot anyway.
She's not natural beauty like me.
Okay, fine. Like us.
And look, This is for your own good.
Instead of dumping you in the future calling you a loser
- she dumped you today. - Right.
And girls don't care about hygiene if they want sex.
The only thing she wants is an ultimate pleasure
which makes her close both her eyes.
Right?
Come on, Ankit.
I know what will cheer you up.
We'll all brush our teeth and get a good night sleep.
- Right? - Count me out. I am going.
Where are you going?
Ma'am, the warden from hostel two was saying that you two slept together.
And he told me don't tell anyone.
That bloody Vitthal Rao!
He's outside the gate.
I am right here. Don't worry.
Hey...aren't you DOPA?
Your BDSM material is so good!
I and my boyfriend watch it together.
He's still in there.
Oh shit, my vernier calliper.
Akku.
Ankit, what the fuck?
I want to talk.
- But we talked. - No, we didn't.
You were talking and without a reason.
- I want to know a reason. - What reason?
Don't act stupid, okay.
Warden's coming!
If you don't let me
I'll tell everyone you're a lesbian.
Lesbian Akanksha is cheating on Namomita.
What...
- Lesbian Akanksha is cheating on Namomita - Is someone inside? - There's no one.
Lesbian Akanksha is cheating on Namomita.
Ankit, no need to create a scene here.
I see...
Someone's hiding inside.
Okay.
Just tell me which hostel is it?
Ankit, please go. Please...
Is he a freshie?
He's a freshie!
We're nearly the same height.
Give me two months and I'll grow two more inches.
Come inside.
What are you doing in someone else' room?
Ankit...
this is my room.
You're filthy.
You judged me.
I knew you would judge me.
Especially a guy like you who is so well organised, hygienic, spic and span.
What?
Even in the hostel, you bathe every day.
There's a sheet on your mattress.
And what is with your obsession for tissue paper?
You even throw your chewing gum in the dustbin.
I mean come on, man, give me a break.
For the first time, I saw my roommate in you.
I am so confused.
The other day in the canteen you said you hated Jhantoo.
And they...
Jhantoo is a bastard.
But I was talking about Chirag.
Huh?
I know hippos like to stay in water
but who bathes so many times in a day?
He reeks of lifebuoy (Soap) all day.
And when you said you would rather live with pigs?
Yeah, I would. They are my favourite animals.
They have such cute nose.
You are filthy...
You're a girl and also filthy...
Yes.
I am a girl and also filthy? So?
- No, I... - What?
Should I change?
No?
- Should I change? - No.
I don't want to wash my clothes every day.
I don't want to bathe daily.
I don't keep things in place, so what?
And why is such behaviour expected from only girls?
Why not from boys?
There are more maids compared to houseboys in most households.
These are filthy rules of society
where cleanliness is expected from girls as soon as they are born.
Let them be the way they want to be.
If she's a girl she has to be spic and span isn't any logic.
You know, till class 12 my mom tortured me on this topic.
When I came to the hostel I dreamed of having my own room, my own space
I can be the way I want to be, but no?
I got this Shreya who is the millennial version of my mom.
"Akku...shut the window at 5:30 sharp or else the mosquitoes will come in."
"Akku, keep your cups and plates upside down so that they dry."
"Akku, don't throw your pads and your used condoms directly into the bin."
"Wrap them in a newspaper and shove it up your ass!"
The condom bit was a bit exaggerated.
By the way, I wasn't judging you.
I mean how can I judge you when I'm like you.
Honestly. That Chirag had brainwashed me and I started overthinking.
And...
So what was all that the other day?
That was just a charade. I like you.
I mean...I am just like you.
Actually...I never told anyone, but
last semester I didn't bathe for a week.
Even I am on a 10-day streak. I haven't bathed yet.
I was only joking. I am filthy not a lowlife.
I knew it.
Leave it. You're at Akku.
Do what you want?
But...
I mean...I can do anything...
Can I do this?
Yes!
And this?
You...
can even do this.
And this too.
And this.
You can do this too.
Can I do this?
And this?
Oh no.
"What about us?"
"What about everything we do?"
"We have the time."
"We have the world between our fingers."
"Don't hold back now."
Children can live any way they want at home for ages.
But after coming to the hostel filth becomes their friend.
Take me for instance.
As long as I had a shop on the road
I would put in my best efforts to wash the clothes.
But now even I fell prey to filth.
It's easy to befriend filth in the hostel.
Every befriends it.
And if someone gets kissed in this filth there's nothing wrong with it.
You get emotional hearing the "Purani Jeans" song.
Remember your college days.
But have you ever thought how dirty that old jeans is?
Ankit, are you sure you're not hallucinating?
I knew she was a lesbian.
That is she has kissed him.
No.
So girls are very horny during their periods.
That's how it happened, right?
No.
Then how did she kiss you?