No, I can't come home this time.
Yes, I eat on time.
You don't have to call every week. Understand.
I've an image among my friends.
Yes have got a sem back
You know it. You've seen my result.
And still, you're asking.
Happy? Did you have fun?
Now hang up.
Fine. I am fine. Now hang up.
Hail Lord.
Mom or Dad?
Dealer...for my home.
Asshole.
How many times have I said go smoke in your own room?
Early morning you've turned my room into Delhi NCR.
Listen, bumpkin, this is my room.
Look there.
You had a fight with Chirag yesterday over a blanket.
Since then you've been lying flat here.
And the pollution in Delhi is because you guys are burning weed in the village.
Look mister, no need to be Kejriwal in the morning.
And don't remind me of my village.
They don't shrug your blanket as Chirag do.
Nor does anyone blabber "Slowly Akku" in their sleep like Ankit.
In the village, when a person wakes up
he gets to the open blue sky.
Do you sleep on the road?
I sleep on the terrace, you fool.
And only two things can wake me up.
Crow's poop or Salena's shriek.
Gomez?
Bhaati. Salena Bhaati.
My buffalo.
And her skin glows brighter than Salena Gomez.
Gomez!
I'll be back in a while.
Bro, we're getting tomorrow's bus ticket. Shall we book it?
Why stay another day? What say?
I would rather leave today, but...I've to get a golden bell.
It's a surprise for Salena.
Show me.
I am sorry, Jhantoo.
I know how you're feeling.
I see... and how am I feeling?
Just that we're all going home but you can't.
I can see your pain.
You fool, he isn't sad about not going home.
He's sad because he can't return our 2500 rupees.
It's okay, Jhantoo.
When your guilt becomes bigger then you can return my 2500 rupees.
With interest.
Hey...are you okay?
yes, I am okay. What can be wrong with me?
Weren't you staying?
You said your mom and dad had an argument.
They patched up.
It's not America where every quarrel is settled with a divorce.
Jaat. You know you can sleep all you want in the hostel.
Absolutely right.
But Salena is having her mood swings.
If I don't go home she will screw someone else.
And you, Doremon, you're staying, aren't you?
You were supposed to tutor me.
What happened?
Whenever I try to teach you, you tell me statue.
What can I do?
Over.
Jhantoo, bro
is everything alright?
Are you crazy?
Jhantoo goes home only when he's in the mood.
The entire common area will be empty.
No crowd in the mess.
I won't have to pass my joint either.
In fact, I won't have to go to the bathroom to pee.
I'll pee right here on the third floor.
From the third floor, I'll pee on the fifth floor.
What else do I want?
I'll be right back.
I can't stay here any longer.
The hostel is fine but it's not like the village.
Listen
is father around.
Then say it.
Come on...
One...two...three...
My dear Tesla's Terrorists.
So excited to meet guys in few days for Formula 1 race.
This time we'll try out the Bernoulli's Principle
You know guys, I think all my talents are misused here in the hostel.
Yesterday I showed my friends the North Star
and they started dancing on "Taare Gin Gin".
And they think the Big Bang Theory is a comedy show.
And that Jhantoo...
Yes. He's a real person.
He keeps abusing all day.
Guys, I had something to say.
Get that glitched fixed
because of which I get removed from the Whatsapp group every time.
PS...I've a crush on Alexa.
What a voice, man.
I hope Siri doesn't find out.
Well, see you guy later. Bye.
Hi Dalji.
All good.
What do you have for us today?
Oh, God.
Forget it. Just pass me the salad with some salt.
Take it. This is today's special.
Special?
Did your mother do the cooking today?
Or were you generous to add cottage cheese to the curry?
Or did you forget to add syrup to the mixed vegetables
or did you accidentally add lentil to the water?
What is special today?
Even mid-day meal serves better food, you know.
I know...even I eat there.
Asshole.
Listen...
Yes, brother.
Next time you go for the mid-day meal, let me know.
Of course.
- Do you have my number? - Yes.
You were supposed to stay in the holidays?
Yes, sir.
But you see, mom and dad are going to Vaishno Devi (pilgrimage).
Good. Religion is important.
No, sir. They are going on the pilgrimage.
You see, the house is empty.
So Puja will come home and I will see her.
Hello, sir. Keys.
You too.
Who's got such a long signature?
Donation.
Happy vacation, sir.
Happy vacation, asshole.
Didn't anyone tell you that wheels have been invented for bags?
Okay, brother. Don't forget to write when you get there.
And 50 rupees for this.
I said 30 rupees.
We'll definitely write to you and we'll Paytm it to you.
I'll pay you 50 rupees when I come back.
Fine, you can pay 60.
Take care, Rakhi.
Take care, brother.
Miss me. Don't forget me.
Bye Mukesh Khanna.
Hostel President.
I really had a blast with you guys.
Come soon.
Of course.
Akanksha is my girl!
Mine!
'Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!'
This Bansal has changed a lot.
Yeah, I personally feel we should remove him from the group again.
Let's do that.
Yeah...
One penny in the plate, Edison down the drain.
No one ever come's late in Tesla's terrorists.
Rule no 1. You made this.
Sorry. So sorry guys.
But enough of this. What's the agenda for today.
Okay guys, so here's the plan.
We're going to roast Net Guruji today.
He didn't convert energy to kilojoule and talks about dash charging.
Asshole.
Here you go.
kya hai?
You know what, take this money and buy your favourite sweets.
I'll transfer these next week.
One more sweetmeat?
Extras are only on Sundays...
- What happened? - Nothing.
So Salena, how did you like my gift?
Now, whenever you say yes, I'll know.
You fool, that's going to ring even if she says no.
Are you going to stay with Salena all night?
Here...
We want milk.
Dung in this one. And urine in this one.
I won't pee in a bucket, father.
Salena's pee...
Father, I have to study.
The college says if I don't submit the assignment on time
then they won't return the deposit.
Studying?
When you were young, you used to insist.
I'll milch her father, I'll milch her.
Now milch now.
I'll take you to our fields in the morning.
I just seized a new land.
Come on, son. Hurry up.
This one for milk. That one for the pee.
Now I understand what no means no is.
I'll go take a walk.
Why what happened?
Nothing.
At the hostel, I had a habit of walking after dinner.
No need.
It's not safe outside, dear.
It's 9 o'clock.
What do you mean by not safe? I won't get kidnapped.
- Ankit. - It's only 9 o'clock.
Hello!
Anybody there?
Anybody there who would want to share a cigarette?
Smoke a joint. Roll a joint.
Anybody there?
Ladies and gentlemen, here's presenting...
Dr. Jhantoo Kishore.
Yes.
Ankit, it's been 30 minutes.
Are you okay?
Yes, I am fine.
I knew I made the chicken too spicy.
Is it a bad stomach?
No, mom, I am fine.
Just give me 10 minutes. I am coming out.
What things did he learn from that hostel?
Okay, guys, I am sorry.
But hey stupid is allowed.
Today it's hey stupid
tomorrow, god forbid, what if you call us a dog?
Why would I say that? I am not that bad.
Even I have some ethics.
Look, Bansal, that's not it.
- Aunty told us. - What?
Since you got here you've been skipping breakfast.
Direct lunch.
Breakfast is the most important meal, Bansal.
In fact, poor children should be given a mid-day breakfast
instead of a mid-day meal.
Your idea. Do you remember?
Yes, I remember.
I think Bansal's done that too.
Did what?
Without protection...
third-party app install.
Fuck it...
Ohhh... Sorry.
Father.
Giggu.
It's seven o'clock. Even Selena must be asleep.
But Jhantoo must have woken up now?
Hello.
Hey rascal
finally got some time off from screwing Salena that you're calling me now?
Don't ask too many questions, Jhantoo. You just speak.
What's the matter?
And you, Gol Bahadur DK.
Met your friends, motherfucker?
Say that again, Jhantoo, please.
Can I say you're an ass?
You've grown wings.
That bloody Ankit is calling me.
You guys never even thought of me for the last 17-days.
And now you three are calling together.
So rascals...
You pimp...did you get time from wanking yourself.
Forget about me. What about you?
Are you in the wing or the quadrangle?
What did you do all these days?
What do I say? Rakhi and I watch porn on the projector now.
Daily.
Even our tipping point has synced now.
And yes, DOPA, here's a trivia for you.
There's a beauty spot on Sasha Grey's left thigh.
No, that's a fake.
And...I smoke a joint in the auditorium.
I yell abuses in the corridor. My voice echoes here. Feels like music.
Feels literally music to my ears.
So what about you guys? How is home?
Hello.
You cunts...
No, Jhantoo, it's a lot of fun.
Tell me the truth.
Obviously, mom is such a good cook that I don't even miss cigarette.
Is it true?
Jhantoo, Salena's so crazy about me
that she starts milking at the sight of me.
Be happy.
You've finally find Salena's Bieber.
Come on... Leave them.
Wow...Rupesh, congrats...
In fact, I taught my friends how to search nude pics on Google.
And they loved it.
They thought cream pie is just a dessert.
I taught them to abuse.
In fact, now they abuse better than you, Jhantoo.
And the really bad ones.
Hello.
Hello. Hello.
- What happened? - Hello.
Hello. Jhantoo...
- Can you hear me? - Jhantoo.
Asshole.
Jhantoo bro...I heard you're showing porn in the common room.
How about inviting me too?
By the way, it's not his fault.
This is the atmosphere of an empty hostel.
The wifi speed increases.
But after downloading so many anime videos
who are you going to show your collection to?
You'll even find the washroom's free.
But you won't hear the latest Punjabi music coming from the next commode.
And what if your birthday falls during this period?
You can escape GPL
but you'll have to cut the cake alone.
And thoughts...
Thoughts become so negative that it scares you.
Because there's no one to wake you up.
What if he dies in his sleep?
Where is Kavita bhabhi sitting today?
Get lost!
No, I've finished packing.
Yes the bus is scheduled for tonite.
Where else will I go if I don't come home?
And listen, I want three packets ready when I reach home.
Don't give me the old stuff like last time, or else...
I don't want the old stuff.
Okay, fine. Bye.
Can I finish packing now?
Bye.
Dealer?
Mom.
I meant the sweetmeats.
I've packed some clothes for you from the senior's room
to show that you change every day.
Good. And you? Did you finish packing?
No, I am not going.
What do you mean I am not going?
I am going to Jhabua...I am going home after so long.
Away from this prison. Do you get it?
Yes...you'll have a blast in Jhabua.
We waste so much time at home.
Then we get admission in college with great difficulty.
There's no fun in going home with this loser face.
I'll go home when I achieve something.
Rakhi...
couldn't you have told me if you ran out of weed?
Open Chirag's cupboard, take his bonsai out.
Pull it out from the root and you'll find two packets.
No, that's not...
- Okay. - Go on.
Jhantoo, you asshole!
Stop. Stop.
For a year...
A year I was wearing this broken sandal.
I was going to have it repaired.
But you guys met.
Wait a minute.
You came back because you dreamt that I was doing sex chat with Akanksha.
Don't be crazy.
Are you?
And you came back to tutor me for the exams?
Of course. Who else will tutor you?
And you, mister, you came back
because Rakhi told you that my dick isn't responding
and you got me some pills.
I came because I was getting bored at home.
But did you get me something?
Dickheads, come on. Start narrating your home tales.
You first, Mr. Pandey.
That place is a dungeon that has no secrets...
First I've to make thousands of excuses to get out of the house.
And even if I get out, I've to find a place where no one recognises you.
That's the fucking problem with small towns.
You're more scared of your relatives than the Police.
I took a long way around and reached the station
and bought a cigarette from the local shop
when the shop owner said "Ankit, I heard you made it to the second year".
I thought I'll put out the cigarette when again he said...
"Don't worry, even your papa comes here."
What the fuck do I do?
And you.
You were suppose to tell us the exact date and time of apocalypse.
- What happened? - Don't ask.
I thought my friends would be more mature than me.
But they are just like your ejaculation, Jhantoo.
Very smart.
First, they had a problem with my abuses.
And when I thought of showing them American Pie as a fun activity
they impeached me from the group.
The same group which I founded.
Wait a second.
You thought of showing them American Pie.
Yes. Naked Mile.
You've grown up...
And why don't you say your tale too?
Well at my place we let our hands do most of the talking.
Just add milk, curd, buffalo, father, Bieber.
to whatever they said.
Rest same.
What is Bieber?
My Salena's boyfriend.
And from a different caste.
What's the matter?
This is a boy's hostel. Everything goes here.
That's not it.
We all think we're the main lead in our lives and the rest are supporting cast.
I disagree.
You guys are the main lead in my life.
And I am the Satish Kaushik.
So did you see...
These assholes set out from home like Imtiaz Ali's hero to see the world.
And come back home for peace and quiet.
But after staying in the hostel when they can't adjust at home
they don't have any other refuge to go to nor are they talented like Ranbir.
And Kashmiri girlfriend is out of the question.
So in this case they come back to the hostel.
Kyunki after a roundtrip from home they realise
there's only one warden in the hostel.
But at home, there are two.
If you dirty your home, there's chaos. You've to clean up the place.
But the hostel is a blast.
Hostel belongs to someone else and you can spread all the filth you want.
No one says anything.
One also runs short of money.
But no one stops you from spending money.
And the food's terrible. Awful.
But no one forces you to wash your plate.
In short, the hostel is like a cute girlfriend
who is neither demanding nor complaining.
And also teaches you something new every day.
What's more... a four-year relationship is guaranteed...
At least...