In every f**king idiot's life, there comes a day
when he realises what a f**king idiot he has been.
And that day had come for me.
If Reshma hadn't come into my life,
I would have never realised
that the pit I had fallen into
was dug by me.
F**KING IDIOT
Better late than never.
Reshma told me
that life gives everyone a second chance.
Perhaps, I could get one too.
Anyway, I'd done a lot of stupid things.
Now, it was time to fix everything.
Maybe...
PARADISE
Hey, Kunal!
Hey, Kuna--
Bloody hell!
Buddy, you look amazing!
You don't look bad at all!
F**king idiot.
Look, I've got clothes for you.
- Don't just keep staring... - Hey!
Hey, as***le! When did you start drinking country liquor?
My dad is calling me so late at night.
Hello, dad.
It's your mom, not your dad.
Hello, mom. Aren't you asleep yet?
We were just about to go to bed.
We called you because we were missing you.
Kunal, guess what? I had made your favourite dal-baati today.
Everyone was missing you a lot.
Are you okay, son?
Yes, mom. I'm fine.
What could happen to me?
Wait, talk to your dad.
Hello, son. I've deposited Rs 1 lakh 20 thousand into your account.
Why?
What do you mean?
Look up the fee schedule you sent me.
You have to pay your college and hostel fee, right?
Yes, dad. Sorry, I forgot.
You don't have to remember these things. Just focus on your studies.
You have to become a big merchant navy officer.
Yes, dad.
Are you outdoors right now?
Are you going out after college?
Yes, dad... I had a practical session at college today.
It went on till late. It just got over. We're going back to the hostel now.
Don't you have your practicals in college?
No. It's a merchant navy course.
So, we have to go on a ship on the sea.
Oh, you went on a ship! Wow!
Okay. Focus on your studies, son.
Yes, dad. I'll study well.
I'll call you tomorrow. Okay?
- Okay, son. I'm proud of you. - Bye.
Good night.
F**king hell! I'm in deep trouble, man!
My parents are sending me their hard-earned money for college,
and I'm spending their money on booze!
So, quit drinking.
You d*ckhead, I'm asking you to quit drinking!
My life was so good. I f**ked it up.
Yes, you f**ked it up.
But what's the use of whining now?
Do one thing. Listen.
Take the entrance exam again for the next session and join college.
I can't study now, man!
I must find a job.
Why can't you study?
You have me. You have Kamna. We'll help you out.
Okay, stop f**king around
and tell me where we're going all dressed up in the middle of the night.
- It's a surprise. - What?
It's a surprise.
What surprise is it, as***le? My life is in shambles here!
Stop whining, motherf**ker!
Enough of this bullsh*t!
Both of you have lost your minds.
I need to find a job, not a girlfriend.
Your mixed fruit juices.
Juice?
Just wait a minute. Is this a kitty party?
Drink it.
- What's your problem with juice? - Just drink it, you as***le!
That's enough.
Add 90 ml vodka to it.
- Okay, sir. - Go on.
Anyway...
coming back to the point.
Kamna thinks... and so do I.
That you need someone in your life.
A girl, to be precise.
That's your only cure.
I can find my own cure.
Please don't worry about me.
Kunal, please, we are not here to argue with you. Okay?
We've shortlisted a few girls who would be really good for you.
And you will be meeting them. That's it.
Hey, Tom and Jerry.
If you care so much about me, find me a job instead.
Don't try pimping girls for me.
Hey--
Unbelievable!
No, no, he wasn't my boyfriend. Just a friend.
Mahesh was absolutely right.
To get over your ex, you have to move on with a new love.
And to move on,
I needed to find a girl, and not just a job.
I didn't get the head or tail of it.
Still, I thought
what's the harm in giving it a try!
True love lasts a lifetime.
How do you like the name, 'Kadar'?
Kadar? What do you mean?
If you are serious about this, you will have to accept Islam.
Or my parents wouldn't approve.
Hey, Sophia!
Hi! Hi, Mahesh!
Hey, how are you?
I'm good. How are you?
I'm good too. Meet my friend, Kunal.
Oh, hi, Kunal!
Kunal, this is Kamna's friend.
- Sophia. - Hi.
Aww, you're cute.
Excuse me.
If it weren't for Kamna, I would have pounced on her.
You've got terrible luck.
Let's go, man. Let's find you someone else.
Look around, bro.
Look at her.
Edline!
- Hi! - Hi!
Chocolate.
This is just your trial.
Show me what you've got.
What the f**k!
What's wrong?
I asked that f**ker for a chocolate flavoured one.
This is f**king banana, man.
Don't worry. I'll go and get it. You stay here.
Give it to me.
I'm not in the mood.
Hey!
Hey, 'Idli'!
What a psycho, motherf**ker!
Don't lose hope, tiger!
There is no dearth of girls in Mumbai.
My d*ck is not interested in meeting anyone.
- Enough of this f**king nonsense! - Hey!
Sir, your glass is full. Where should I pour soda?
In my a**!
Bro, you go on.
Kamna!
- Hi! - Hi!
- Oh my God! Oh my God! - How are you?
- I must say you look so good. - Thank you.
This is so nice. You look so good.
It was a gift from Roshan.
Okay, listen.
Please, please suggest me something.
About what?
Okay, tell me.
What attracted you towards me?
Everything.
Wow! What an answer! "Everything."
You need to work a bit harder, Kunal.
Give me some more details.
Okay.
First of all, your curly tresses.
Yeah, I remember.
But you don't want to do it in private?
No, you guys can come over.
And then your lovely smile that drives me crazy.
- Yeah, please. - Okay, okay, so let me think.
I know this amazing place.
- Where? Where? - It's a nice restaurant.
And your nose ring.
- Hi. - Oh! Yeah, yeah!
- Oh, ho, ho... yo, what's up? - Okay.
How much have you had to drink? You can't even walk straight.
Who's she?
Aliya, my best friend.
Hi!
Mahesh, get him some lemonade.
- Man, get me some lemonade. - Anyway, tell me more.
Hey, d*ckhead! Was it fun or not?
Tell me.
Come on, tell me.
- Mahesh, my bro! - Tell me, bro.
I am in love.
What are you laughing at, as***le?
Alright, alright. Tell me.
Serious or a casual fling?
Of course, it's serious.
I don't have casual flings.
The second chapter of "How to f**k up your life" begins.
Let's go home.
Hey, it's the third chapter, not the second.
The second chapter featured your Kamna.
Listen, d*ckhead! If you a say a word about Kamna, I'll f**k you up!
Motherf**ker, I'll throw you in the sea.
- Listen to me. - Spit it out.
Who is going to screw you over this time?
I mean, who have you fallen in love with?
Hey, there! What are you doing here, boys?
What is going on? Are you drinking here?
Arrest them.
Do you feel like throwing up?
Sir, he's going to throw up.
- Want to throw up? - No.
Your Kamna...
Motherf**ker!
If you've decided to fall in love with Kamna now,
then I would rather you die than ruin my love story.
Motherf--
Tell me, sir. Is it fair?
Would a friend try to steal--
Just let me complete, you as***le!
It's Kamna's friend. The curly-haired one.
Aliya.
Aliya?
Not my girl. This one's new. Sir, it's another girl.
- Tell me about Aliya. - I want to see her again.
Kunal, you should propose to her. What's holding you back?
Girls don't fall for your face anyway.
Right, sir?
Right.
- Hello! - Yes?
I can't propose to her.
Why can't you?
What's stopping you?
She's committed to her boyfriend.
Son of a b*tch! You're out of luck.
When your luck is so bad, what can a--
Hey!
- Yes, tell me. - Hey d*ckhead!
I'll pick you up in the evening.
Not today. I'm looking for a job.
Don't you want to meet Aliya?
What time?
Seven o'clock. Be ready.
Alright, see you then. I'll be ready.
As***le!
Hope is a twisted thing.
When Mahesh told me I'd be meeting Aliya,
I saw a sudden ray of hope.
It felt like God had finally taken pity on me.
But when I got there...
things were a bit different.
Alright, guys!
So, we are here for a very, very special occasion.
Today's the third anniversary of our relationship.
Oh, wow! That's great. Congratulations.
- Congratulations. - Did you bring me here for this, as***le?
- Thank you so much! - Aliya!
- Yes? - I need to talk to you.
Yes, tell me.
In private.
- Oh! - After dinner?
Then, we have all the time together.
In private.
Kamna!
I think he's going to propose to me tonight!
- What are you saying? - Yeah, I'm so excited!
At least, hear what he has to say first.
- Aliya. - Yes?
Can we please talk?
Yeah, sure!
Oh, wow!
Some love stories are like those unwanted children
who are killed before they are born.
I was convinced that my love story with Aliya was something like that.
But then...
Enough, Aliya!
I've been trying to talk to you all this while,
but you just won't give me a chance!
What happened, Roshan?
I... I want to break up.
- What? - Yeah!
What?
But, Roshan, it's our anniversary...
Aliya, I didn't even remember that it was our anniversary.
And I called you here today to tell you this!
But you just...
What have I done, Roshan?
You didn't do anything wrong, Aliya. It's just that...
you're very clingy.
Clingy? What do you mean?
Yes, you are clingy!
Aliya, there's something called space in every relationship. Okay?
Do you know anything about space? No!
When I wake up, I'm bombarded with ten "good morning" messages from you.
If I don't talk to you for two hours before going to bed at night,
you don't let me sleep peacefully!
And it doesn't stop at that!
You keep nagging me all day!
"Baby, did you bathe?" "Baby, did you eat?"
I'm f**king fed up with all this!
And on top of that, you want to celebrate an anniversary every month!
"The first time we talked" anniversary,
"the first time we kissed" anniversary,
"the first time we f**ked" anniversary...
Even a Kalnirnay calendar doesn't have so many anniversaries!
Roshan, I'll try my best to change.
I swear to God. Please.
Aliya.
This can't work.
And you can't change.
Okay?
So, you please enjoy your party.
And just to let you know, I'm already dating someone.
- Bloody hell! - Bloody hell!
Bye.
- Roshan! - Yeah, please. Please.
Roshan, wait.
Aliya, wait!
Love is strange, isn't it?
Those who yearn for it don't get it.
And those who have it don't value it.
I wish Aliya loved me so much.
She will.
That as***le doesn't deserve Aliya. You do.
And, buddy, if you have the balls,
you must woo Aliya.
And she will be yours.
Come on, tiger.
Why are you getting so excited?
I haven't wooed her yet. She just had a break-up.
She will be yours. What am I here for?
How?
I'll use the ultimate weapon.
The ultimate weapon?
The ultimate weapon to woo a girl.
They say that true love happens once in a lifetime.
That's f**king nonsense!
If that were true, half the people in the world would die single.
It's f**king love, man!
It's not chickenpox that it can't happen again!
Hey! How are you, Aliya?
Tell me. Why did you want to meet me?
Kamna told me that you liked ice cream.
So, I thought I'd take you out on an ice cream date.
No, Kunal. Not today.
I...
I'm not in the mood.
- So, let's get you in the mood! Get in. - No, Kunal.
- Get in! - Kunal, please!
- Get in! Come on! Wait. - Kunal!
- Are you forcing me, Kunal? - Get in fast!
Aliya, I don't have all day. Get in fast.
- Get in! Hurry up! - Kunal...
- No! - Okay, fine!
Hurry up! I don't have all day.
- Shall we go? - You're so childish!
- Is it true? - What?
That women prefer chocolate over sex?
I don't know about others, but I do.
I hate chocolate.
In fact, I don't like any flavour except pineapple.
Do you like pineapple?
I love it.
Roshan loved it too.
He's gone, Aliya!
Forget about him!
It's not so easy, Kunal.
I know.
What was her name?
Tara.
Were you able to forget Tara?
At least...
At least, did you move on?
How?
When one stops being crazy in love,
one gradually starts to see the difference between love and stupidity clearly.
With time, I could see it too.
Kunal,
can I...
can I hug you?
Can I get a hug?
I... I need it.
Yes, sure.
I swear Roshan is stupid.
How could anyone leave you?
What are you doing, Kunal?
I love you, Aliya.
What?
Yes, Aliya.
- And I'm not like Roshan-- - Please stop it!
I'm sorry. Look, Kunal.
I see you as a friend.
That's it.
And anyway,
I'm not over Roshan yet.